I’m In a Relationship With the Woman I Cheated With and I Want to Go Back to My Ex.

In a Relationship With the Woman I Cheated With
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Evan, I’ve read a few of the posts and responses and can’t quite seem to find the answer I’m looking for, or similar situation, so figured I’d ask you straight up.

I dated a girl for 2 years and felt I was in love with her, yet, couldn’t quite pull the trigger – get the ring, get married and start a family. I felt the pressure, I pushed it off but it continued to hang over me like a dark shadow. It seemed that it became the only thing my girlfriend cared about. Whenever I would give her a gift, surprise her with dinner or a show, it seemed that she was disappointed that it wasn’t a ring and a proposal. We talked about it, again and again and again, but seemed to make no progress.

Then it happened, I met a girl through friends that I really seemed to click with. She, too, was in a relationship and neither of us wanted to cheat on our gf/bf because we cared so much about them and everything that we had built up with them. The need not to cheat didn’t last long – 30 days or so later, we found ourselves alone – the first wrong move – and then one of us leaned in for a kiss and it happened. We slept together, we had sex and it was amazing. It felt like a release on both our parts. We agreed that it wouldn’t happen again unless we both felt that it was time to end what we had.

We kept our promise, but both ended our relationships and 2 weeks later got together and a year later we’re still together. Lately however, in fact for the last few months, I’ve been thinking a lot about my ex. I did early on too, but lately even more. The songs, the restaurants, the friends, the activities, our places, etc., all the same experiences but with a new girl, doesn’t seem to remove the ex from my memory. I then began to think of how I’ve changed and opened myself up to change and if I had been this way perhaps the last relationship would have worked out. – I say to that, perhaps the last relationship didn’t provide me with the atmosphere to get to where I am emotionally today – so I see both sides of it. I find that the thoughts that I continue to have is making it increasingly difficult to move forward.

On top of it, I feel riddled with guilt that I cheated and that I’m still with that person. Am I with that person because I indeed love them, or with them because I feel guilty and responsible for their relationship ending as well and have a need to be in it. How do I distinguish which it is and if I’m in it because I’m in love and not feeling responsible? But the cheating part seems to be tearing me apart. At first it felt like relief and it was exciting to be with someone new and different but then I realized that I was open to different things with this new girlfriend and that they aren’t that different from one another, which is why so many experiences seem so much alike.

I’m hoping you can help me move forward. Stay in, get out, go back, distinguish, remove the guilt, be happy and alive with the not so new. I don’t feel a need to cheat, but I question whether I should be in this relationship, or with my ex, or on my own. In the end, I just want to move forward, somehow and for both of us to look in the mirror and know that we’re in the right place – together or not.

Thanks for the help.

Jamie

You fucked up, dude.

I’m sympathetic to you — in the way I’m sympathetic to any human being who made an indefensible decision and now regrets it — but I’ve got nothing for you.

You just learned, the hard way, what most people figure out independently:

  •   There is no perfect relationship.
  • There is no sign from above that’s telling you to pull the trigger on marriage.
  • Marriage is a choice to do loving actions every day for a partner; it is not based on those giddy feelings from the first few months.
  • The grass is not greener on the other side. Even if it seems like it is because your new partner is cuter or smarter or funnier, that same new partner will come with some downside that your previous partner didn’t have — like ego, selfishness, emotional unavailability, etc. Every relationship involves tradeoffs.

I’m not sure if you’re looking for absolution or advice. I can tell you that your letter sounds like my wife’s first husband, who cheated on her and later married the person he cheated with. I’ve never talked with him and have no idea if guilt forced him to stay in the relationship. I will say this, however: his loss was my gain. No matter how great his current bride is, I’ll bet he realized that he screwed up and couldn’t do better than his first wife. And that by staying with her, he’s trying to prove to her, to himself, to the world, that he’s not such a bad guy, and that he didn’t cheat because of a mere “fling.” I’m sure it’s complicated, since you don’t even know why you’re doing what you’re doing.

Let your ex go. Your guilt is with you for life. You can’t fix the past, but you can make better choices in the future.

Anyway, here’s the advice part, Jamie.

1. Let your ex go. She can’t trust you. Nor should she. You were willing to break her heart to cheat with another woman, and now you’re willing to leave the other woman to go back to her.

You’re probably not an evil guy, but you sure are selfish, and don’t seem to recognize the consequences of your selfishness until after the fact.

2. Your guilt is with you for life. You’ve earned it. You don’t get to wish it away. Like my wife’s ex-husband, you have every right to rebuild your life, but you have no right to sweep away the destruction you wrought when you cheated on your devoted two-year girlfriend for an entire month, and then dumped her. Hopefully this guilt serves a constructive purpose in the future about the meaning of fidelity — if not with this girlfriend, then a future one.

3. You can’t fix the past, but you can make better choices in the future. If you have no intention of marrying this girl, break up with her. Not to slink back to your ex, but to free your current girlfriend to find the man who wants to marry her.

Any woman that marries you despite your checkered history is willingly marrying a cheater, and therefore overlooking a LOT in order to trust you with her entire life.

If you stay with her, you have the benefit of hard-won wisdom — specifically the idea that no matter whom you marry, you’re going to have to make some compromises.

And so will she.

Any woman that marries you despite your checkered history is willingly marrying a cheater, and therefore overlooking a LOT in order to trust you with her entire life.

Whoever does this, appreciate her, cherish her and hold onto her.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Zanele

    I found out my bf of 4 years 9 months had been cheating on me for the last 2 years + with this girl he is with now. we dated in Feb 2012. moved in together in July 2013. bought a car.. the girl was his next door at his home they started datinglate 2014. younger than me and yellow bone. she had not been working he did everything for her until she found a job he would drop me off work in my car and quickly rush to take her to work also and he didnt care that my friends saw him… my colleagues. . Everyone that knew us. he would snap about petty things. fight over a remote control at night and leave d house…same month we broke up he didn’t come home a week earlier on his birthday they spent it at the hotel.

    The day I found out i packed half of his   things and took them to his home. he became arrogant when he called me so I took all of his things. that was the last I saw of him. a month later after christmas holidays he tried to be a hero bu taking care of me financially… buying me… payong for car service putting money on my accoubt but always refusing to talk abouy what happened.   they stayed at a hotel for a few days then at his house while they looked for a flat now that stay at a flat.   I realise that he never invested in us. he was just there but was always busy with friends and never did family things with me except the first 2 years we started dating he was not working when we dated… he moved with me when I found a flat and bought a car to make life easy for us..   when he started making real money that’s when he started cheating. and he left so easily because he could buy her everything and he never did much in our flat. i got more money from him after he left me than I ever did when we were together. but I stopped depending onhim when I realised it was really over.. when I realised I could never forget why he did even if he wanted to come back d which he has never asked to. he did indicate we could see each other at hotels… have lunch… I realised he was trying to turn me into her. what they used to do together. I stayed away from him when I finally accepted him for his cheating self.

    So I say let your ex go infact don’t even call or text her. let her forget you. you were a bad memory in the end. don’t remind her of the hurt you put her through just when she is getting better.

    It’s been 5months for me… I used to park on the side of the road and cry..   lock my office and cry.. I slept with a towel crying the whole night. I lost 9 kg already all my clothes don’t fit me but I sleep well at night now and i no longer call him everyday like I used to. I deleted his number.he is the one that called yesterday to check how I was doing with my daughter. I couldn’t even find anything I can talk about with him. like nothing.

    So do what you do best. if your current girl friend is boring you now. find another her who is willing to cheat with you. but don’t go back to your ex to confuse her and turn her life upside down just becasue yours is now boring you.if this no longer applies to your life now. to whom ever it can help then

  2. 62
    Cathryn

    You’re too immature for ANY relationship.

    Complaining about your significant other to a person of the opposite sex is a no-no period, in my book.   You probably weren’t ready for either relationship.

  3. 63
    Sam

    The man I loved so dearly did this to me 6 months ago after 6 years of being together. I cant tell you how painfull it has been. At times I hate him and at times   my heart breaks into pieces, Remenbering all the memories we made. He went back to his cheating ex gf, who hurt him. I wasnt perfect but I gave him all the love I had.    I built him up in my head as the most amazing person in my life and ended up not being that. I know that if he would have loved me he would have never hurt me. He went off with her and I hope he is happy, I really do. He Was a bad man, not a bad person. He has not reached out to me since it happened. Just vanished like smoke. As for me, Ive given myself time to cry if I need too, I cry everyday so far. Its not as painfull as the first few months but its getting better. I know One day Ill find someone   who will love me…….

  4. 64
    Bridigitte

    Hopefully your ex has healed and moved on. Being cheated on will cause her to be less likely to trust other men-you have caused unrepairable damage to her.   Live with it, hope it makes you feel as shitty as she did when she found out you were cheating. The replacement girl is fooling herself if she thinks you won’t cheat on her, you already want to by trying to go back to your ex.   You are a selfish and cruel person.   No honor in your behavior and lack of concern for others.   You deserve to lose them both!

  5. 65
    Rutendo Gwese

    Im in this situation , but on the opposite side.I was going out with my ex boyfriend for almost two years now. Everything was great until a few weeks back when he found out his father had passed away and he was devastated. From then we would have fight after fight over even the smallest things. I recently just found out my ex had been talking to a new girl whilst we were still together and he even had the audacity to tell me her name and that he wants to be in a relationship with her , so we broke up. Now after that he would do the little spying on me like opening my instagram stories and all that until eventually i posted an amazing picture of myself and he unfollowed me. I dot want to lie it did hurt that he had unfollowed me and would not see how amazing my life is without him. It had been long distance for the past six months because i had to leave for school and now i am about to go back home. I am absolutely terrified of the reality that we are no longer together. Everyone knew us as THE couple and we have a lot of circles in common , which is making this even more difficult to digest. AND as much as he was an asshole i still really loved him and want him back but he has obviously moved on…it really hurts!

  6. 66
    Brian

    You really fucked up bad. Truth is not only did you mess up one woman(first gf if she knows you cheated) but you messed up the next gf as well. You cracked under pressure and used cheating as an excuse to run from wedding bells. I get it im a man and i did it after 8 yrs with someone. But in my defense it was really a toxic relationship from the start and i needed an out. Bad excuse at the time but the end result better for both. The difference is you could have held off for a long time because if she really loved you she would have waited even if she still pressured you just like mine did even tho it didnt. Now the new gf. Woman dont cheat and start a new relationship with the person the cheated with unless they feel they found a better match. Someone who they are emotionally more in tuned with than their previous bf. If you dont feel the same as the new gf and you feel guilty im going to say you fucked up. But dont stick it out with new gf out of guilt because she risked her old relationship. Tell them both the truth and how you feel. And just an fyi. Im currently on the other end. My gf of almost 5 years and i split. I moved half way across the country to be with her and her family. We have a 3 yr old together and im like a father to her other child. Everything was great until 2 months ago. I recently discovered shes been cheating on me with a co worker we both work with. She will not admit it to the day she dies. I have the evidence but nothing to show the actual deed going on. Def emotional cheating and when that happened she went cold on me. I accused her of cheating and she wanted to split. Maybe because i caught her and she didnt know what else to say. But the end result is were split and she doesnt want to make it work. The day we split and ever since for the last month shes been spending A LOT of time with the “friend” i accused her of cheating on me with. What does that tell you. Def something physical going on and even hurtfully public flirting on fb. She said im a great man and an awesome father and the perfect partner. But yet she doesn’t know what she wants. If i didnt accuse her she would have been cheating behind my back to see where that relationship would go. Point of this story. I will force myself to never take her back. She crossed the one line a partner should never cross and risked a whole family for it. What this all boils down to. If your ex gf cheated on you because you kept asking to get married would you accept that answer and still take her back???

  7. 67
    Joe Lacek

    You dont have to live with the guilt forever. Jesus will forgive you, it’s one of the greatest gifts and reasons we have His salvation. You can be forgiven.

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