What Do Men Get Out of Looking At Other Women? (And Why Do Men Cheat?)

What Do Men Get Out of Looking at Other Women? (And Why Do Men Cheat?)

Dear Evan,

What is it that men get out of looking/gazing at beautiful women, nude or otherwise?

I have read on other websites that men actually get a chemical “high” in their brain when they see an attractive woman and that is why they are so drawn to look at other women even when they are in love with another. I’m wondering, from your perspective, what you think it is. Are men sexually “turned on” when they see a beautiful woman naked and automatically fantasize about having sex with her or is it more of just plain old admiration for the beautiful female form with no arousal? And, if it is sexual arousal, does that happen only in seeing a naked woman (magazine, strip joint, porn) or does that happen when you see a beautiful clothed woman as well? I have always been very curious about this as I think it is very different for women. –Cat

Dear Cat,

Thoughtful and provocative question, and I’m going to attempt to tackle it even though I’m no therapist, historian or biologist.

First off, I want to acknowledge that everything you wrote, in my estimation, is true.

Men, regardless of relationship status, get a chemical high in seeing attractive women.

Men can appreciate the female form, either clothed or naked.

Men, regardless of relationship status, get a chemical high in seeing attractive women.

Men are aroused by images of clothed or naked women (but not as much as you’d think.)

What I’d like to add to all of those ideas is that none of that should affect your relationship…unless you make it affect your relationship.

In other words:

GOOD men, regardless of relationship status, get a chemical high in seeing attractive women.

GOOD men can appreciate the female form, either clothed or naked.

GOOD men are aroused by images of clothed or naked women (but not as much as you’d think.)

Without covering the entire landscape of debates about DNA or evolution or propagation of the species, here’s my take on the whole thing:

Men, since the beginning of time, were designed to spread their seed.

Because monogamy lowers the chances that our genes will survive, men are not, by nature, monogamous creatures. We choose monogamy because we deem that it’s more beneficial to have love, stability, and a nuclear family than to have lots of children running around with our eyes. But make no mistake, monogamy is a choice, not a natural state.

Men can watch porn, fantasize about other women, and still be great husbands and fathers.

Anyway, in my estimation, the male sex drive has nothing to do with kindness or personality or compatibility. It is entirely based on physical attraction, which we feel instantly with the release of dopamine, serotonin, and testosterone. This is why men can know if they would sleep with you in less than five seconds.

As far as what’s physically attractive? I think it’s largely based on societal reinforcement. Most men, for example, agree that symmetrical faces with small noses and certain hip to waist ratios (thin waist, wider hips) are considered attractive. Naturally, there are some men who like older women or heavier women or women with one leg. There’s a lid for every pot. Still, a lot of men still want to try on the same lid, who just happens to be 20-30 years old, have stunning features and is built like a Barbie doll. Moving along…

Next, I’d like to assert that a man’s sexual tastes and feelings of attraction don’t disappear because he is in love with another woman.

His intense feelings for his girlfriend may lessen his desires to look elsewhere for sex. But once those intense feelings of chemistry go away (as they usually do after 18 to 36 months – just long enough to conceive and raise a young child), his attraction will still spike every time he sees an attractive woman, in some form or another.

The more self-aware men understand this intellectually, and relegate those spikes of attraction to what they are – biologically programmed bursts of pleasure. We give ourselves doses of this pleasure when we’re walking on a beach, when we’re at an outdoor concert, when we’re at parties, and especially when we’re on the Internet. I’ve heard that 30% of the internet is porn, and if this is the case, it should be no surprise.

Men crave variety. This is normal. It’s all about whether he acts on this desire.

Men can admit attraction to favorite celebrities, and still be great husbands and fathers.

Men can watch porn, fantasize about other women, and still be great husbands and fathers.

Men can go to bachelor parties, go to a strip club, and still be great husbands and fathers.

I know this because I’ve done all of the above and I know I am not alone.

And since the value of my marriage is far greater than the value of sleeping with a stranger in Paris, I remain faithful, even though I’m attracted to other women everywhere I go. It would never even occur to me after 300 dates and nearly 10 years as a dating coach that there’s anyone out there who’d make me happier for the next forty years than my own wife.

That doesn’t mean in some alternate universe that I wouldn’t like to be able to have my cake and eat it, too. That’s essentially what alpha males do – get married and keep sleeping with other women. John Edwards, Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, Kobe Bryant – we can probably make a list of most politicians, athletes and rock stars.

Men would be perfectly content having missionary sex with a new woman every night.

So why do men cheat?

Because they’re perpetually attracted to new women.

Because they’re high profile, rich, ambitious men who are desirable to these women.

Because they’re so important that they don’t think the rules apply to them.

Because they travel a lot and are frequently exposed to temptation.

Because they don’t value their wives as much as the thrill.

Because they don’t rationally calculate the value of their losses. So Tiger sleeps with a waitress in a Denny’s parking lot and he loses a half billion dollars, his wife, his kids, and his golf mojo. Somehow, I don’t think he considered that with his pants around his ankles.

This is just a long, roundabout way of saying that, in general, men want variety.

I recall a study that said the exact same thing.

Men would be perfectly content having missionary sex with a new woman every night.

Women would be perfectly content with the same man forever, as long as he mixed it up in the bedroom a bit.

The results didn’t surprise me in the least.

Once again, I am not defending men. I am explaining men. Not every single man on the planet. Some men only have eyes for their wife. Some men are attracted to other men. Some men couldn’t conceive of having sex with a woman he didn’t love.

These are perfectly normal men, but they are also exceptions.

So even if we establish that men are driven by sex, it’s far from the whole story, as evidenced by the 50 million married men in the United States.

Simply put, men want love, too. Even if we still like to look elsewhere.

It’s far better to understand and accept these qualities in men than to shame them, insult them, or tell them that they’re wrong for being this way.

As long as he treats you well and doesn’t take action on his desires, you’ve got a good man whose desire for you is stronger than his real sexual impulse to be with someone else.

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  1. 361

    My man admits that he looks at other women, but it seems like he is not looking her way and he is not really looking at her.  He thinks I am cheating on him because I get along with guys more and his friends check me out or look at me, so he thinks I am cheating on him.  Sometimes he looks at other women to make me jealous.  He said when I get a lot of money then I am going to cheat on you with money and he said that you are probably happy that I am his friend not him and it was him not his friend.  He has told his friends that he is the only one that gets to sleep with me not them and he is jealous of them because they check me out.  He has jealous issues with me and other men.  Sometimes I can’t handle it, so men cheat because they are jealous too.  The werid thing is that Dustin admits that he looks at women, but every man looks at women.  Men are different than women.  Men are wired to look around at other women.  It is weird that Dustin admits to it because I have never had a man be that honest with me.  It is truly weird that he admits everything to me. I am happy that he admits everything to me.  He is very honest and loyal to me too.  If they are not honest then don’t be with that guy.  You need a honest man, women.   

  2. 362
    Virginia Porcho


  3. 363

    Men deceive women and twist women’s minds into thinking that men cannot control their thoughts or their actions.   Truth is your husband wants you to be there for all his needs and be able to brag to other men that he is  has a good wife and  children of course of which he was able to  produce.   He wants his wife to take care of their little family,  cook, clean, wash clothes, run errands,  work a job,   Or maybe he even helps with the work and kids but he still wants to warp his wife’s mind into thinking all men have to be allowed to look and desire other women, he wants to still desire young women,   He loves the ball games  he not only watches the ball players,  he loves looking at the sexy  cheerleaders and fantasizes being  a young man again and  being able to perform sex wild sex with her.  Just because wives are there sitting beside them does not mean his mind is on his wife.   Men are great liars.  Husbands tell their wives,   Honey I love you,  she is just a child.   Truth is he does not want to loose the good wife he has but would love to have a secret fling and fantasizes over beautiful young women.  It does not matter if he is watching a movie on TV or the computer,  or if he sees beautiful women at a shopping store or at the grocery,  or driving by houses and see pump women  in tight jeans, tight stretch pants, short shorts,  whether she has blonde hair or dark hair or red hair makes no difference. If she is built sexy,  he wants to look and secretly fantasize.  Your man will notice young women at the job where he works,or if  his work requires him to travel,  he may notice young sexy women and like what he is looking at.  These men who are saying it’s a chemical reaction,  should not be looking I order that the chemical does not get stirred up.
    The fact is men and women have a chemical reaction to someone who. Attracts them,  not just men.   The fact is when you marry someone,  committing your love and your body only to that one person,   The turn our head and your eyes away quickly whenever  you see an attractive young woman or not young guy. Turn your head and keep walking.   If you are at a gas pump. Pumping our gas, turn your back and look the other way,   If there are other attractive young guys and gals all around,  look at the gas pump, look down at the ground.  If walking  into a grocery store or shopping center and sexy  young  woman is walking toward you or a hot  young guy is walking passed you and you feel a chemical reaction taking place,  walk over away from them,  look away.  If you go to a restaurant,  look around for a table away from sexy women and me if possible,  or  sit with your back turned to them.    If it’s to crowded,  get take out,  drive to a nice private area and enjoy scenery.  By scenery, I mean,  nature,  not other women and men.
    if you know you are easily attracted to other women and men,  avoid as much as you can.  Whenever you can’t avoid it,   It is easy to look the other way, and turn your head and walk on by.   Don’t give I to temptation to look as you walk by,  or turn around and look as they walk by you.  If  women and men fight temptation long enough and hard enough they can overcome the temptation to look and lust.   If  a husband or wife tells you not to be upset with their lustful nature,  it’s because they have a adulterous mind.  They don’t want to stop lusting and fantasizing and they are not faithful to our marriage.    There are other ways of committing adultery besides bodily sex.    If a man or woman looks at another woman or man body and feels a desire for him or her. They are already committing  adultery in their mind and heart. They have betrayed their marriage vows.
    both women and men feel chemical reactions to men and women.  But we must fight to keep those feelings down,  stay away from women and men who attract you.  If your friend has  a wife or husband that arouses the chemical in you,  stay away,  plain and simple.
    When you say, I do and place a ring on the persons finger and declared your love for them, prove it, stay away from all others.     Yes there will be situations you may be caught in for a few minutes but avert our eyes away from who attracts you.   Spend a lot of time with your family. If you have a good family.   If you have an adulterous husband or wife,   I will tell you now,  you don’t deserve to be treated that way,  they are not a good husband or wife and don’t let anyone deceive or warp your mind into thinking it’s ok for your husband or wife to be that way,   It’s absolutely not.
    if your husband or wife who avoids being attracted to other men and women and tries hard to keep  a close relationship with you,  then you are extremely fortunate.  I have counseled many, many people and couples over a period of  30 years.  My sincere advice to couples is , keep your word and our promises to our spouse,  the vows you made in the beginning.
    if you are married to a man or woman who cannot keep their eyes off other men and women,  they are not a true husband or wife.   Men who tell their women they can’t  are deceivers and adulterers.   You don’t need a man or woman like that in your life.

    1. 363.1

      The auto correct on my iPad kept changing words in my comment I made before this one

    2. 363.2


      You have exactly zero right to tell men what to look at, just as men have zero right to tell a woman what to look at. The difference between us is, that I won’t tell you what to look at. Didn’t do that with my wives (yep, all three of them, all long term-10 years plus), didn’t do that with any of my girlfriends. Know why? Because, apparently, I’m a lot more secure than you are; secure enough to know that looking isn’t cheating, and I don’t cheat; not in a marriage, not in any exclusive relationship. If I feel the need for someone else, I leave the relationship  first. But, I’m a man; damn right I look; and if I don’t at least glance at a really attractive woman, better check my pulse, because I’ll probably be dead. My partner is allowed to look all she wants, as well; why should I need to pretend that she isn’t a sexual being too, with her own desires and fantasies? After all, if at the end of the day she’s in my bed, not that of whatever hot guy caught her eye, why should I worry? It’s my job to make that (with me) the place she wants to be, because after all, she’s both comfortable and happy there; it’s her job to make that (with her) the place I want to be, for the same reason. It’s called “trust”.

      I don’t know what kind of “counselor” you are, but you seem to me awfully judgmental to be counseling anyone about much of anything, honestly; least of all sexuality, with all its complexity and nuance.

  4. 364

    Evan, thank you for this article.  It’s exactly what I needed today and I’m so thankful I came across it.

  5. 365

    hi i am a widow,and i met a guy 5 years ago, he used me for sex,and foolishly i allowed it to happen we are now finished as i told him when i was drunk what i thought of him he said i am finished with you,but i feel so bitter,as i no he cared for me,but he was so withdrawn could not show any feelings i really tried but got so fed up got drunk and dont no what i said to him, but he said its finished

  6. 366

    Men can go to strip clubs and get lap dances and still be good husbands?  Essentially participating in a form of paid foreplay with a woman other than his wife?  I wonder how many men would still think this was ok if the stripper was their wife grinding all over other men naked.  Is she still a “good wife”?  If the answer is no or it would be unacceptable then why is there a double standard?  Why are men so selfish in an area meant to be reserved for his wife?

    1. 366.1


  7. 367

    I am one of the rare individuals who, when looking at another person, does not notice if they are attractive or not. I could hardly care what a man or woman looks like; instead I try to get a ‘vibe’ from them. This is probably due to many years of not wearing glasses (only when necessary, take off afterwards), and instead of judging people on what they look like, because they look like a blurry blob with vibrant colours, I have developed a fairly efficient ‘vibe’ sense. I get a feeling for the person by observing other things, such as their body movements: hands, arms, legs, torso, and listening to their intonations, attitude, how they form their sentences and what words they use. Many people size up a person by the clothes they wear, and how they look; their facial appearances, body, weight, height… But, you can tell a lot about a person, initially, simply by using other strategies that do not focus on the physical aspects (well, besides ‘body movement’ but body movement is in the realm of physiology…) of an individual.

    My observances have been mostly correct (I always give a benefit of doubt because you never know that someone might just be wearing a mask in public). It is a development of other senses, primarily intuition; however there is a development of rational observance as well. Think of it like this… because your brain cannot accurately process the way someone looks, due to the bad eyesight, your brain has to grab resources elsewhere. It’s not just the brain; if you are naturally an individual who has a lot of willpower, not easily tempted, and find pursuit of higher goals such as the tempering of the mind, and spirit, you will find that focusing merely on an individual’s appearance is base.

    In any case, after such observances, people like me would say, objectively, everyone is attractive. Everyone objectively has good qualities concerning their physical appearance. It is the neutral stance. The difference is we do not dwell on the way someone looks because we understand we need the full picture for an accurate representation of an individual. We can never like someone with missing information. A face and body is like the cover of a book; not much is represented. What matters is what is operating within. The old adage… A person will appear less savory when the baseness comes forth. It is the individual’s choice to enjoy the baseness or step away.

    I would wish that society threw away the shackles of base consumption, and that includes lustful temptations, but alas, it is not the way yet. What is the way to bring forth a new age? Perhaps a complete social engineering of society inside a blacksmith’s forge.



    1. 367.1

      “Perhaps a complete social engineering of society inside a blacksmith’s forge”


      Spoken like a true idealistic malcontent. Good luck with remaking society in the supposed perfection of your own image. The more practical among us deal with what is, not what we wish might be; it is, after all, just possible that the existing order might work better for most people than the “utopia” we envision would. 🙂

      The older I get, the fewer things I’m absolutely certain of; but I’m pretty sure I don’t know it all about everything, and I’m also pretty sure every other human being is in the same position.

  8. 368

    First of all I am a Christian. I don’t believe porn is okay and studies are finding out that young men are losing the ability to have an erection from the over stimulation and fantasizing from it. It is requiring more and more stimuli to get hard as a result.

    I had a 42 year old I dated that made me feel like I was the only woman on earth. He always made me feel secure and confident while we were together and he expected the same in return. Did he notice other attractive women? Of course he did, but his focus was on me and I never knew it. He built and nurtured our relationship. And he didn’t believe in porn to my surprise.

    Well we split over other issues.  Marriage was not in the cards and our kids didn’t get along….

    Now I date a 55 year old. He seems to adore me and want marriage. But he also loves to play the part of the stud when we are out. He talks to much younger women because they’re cute. He smiles at them. He snaps pictures on the beach and has almost been beaten up by their 20something boyfriends. He constantly reinforces his attraction to other women and then starts in about marriage. Which relationship do you think I was happier in?

    The first guy didn’t love me like the second…yet I felt more secure and loved by the first. I guess my point is, yes men and women are wired differently. But God does not condone lusting and coveting other women. And disrespecting the one your with by constantly reinforcing your attraction to others isn’t going to build trust or respect. My boyfriend did not want me doing the things he did..he admitted that it would make him insecure as I am 12 years younger and college educated. So, he should not have been doing all that to me. That wasn’t nurturing our relationship …to constantly tell me how much he desired others all the time. It damaged it. Now, I just feel like I’m who he settled for. I don’t feel sexy or attractive to him anymore it all. I feel like it’s a job instead of his choice to sleep me because he can’t cheat or he will lose me.

    So, I know we all get attracted to others but I disagree that it’s healthy for a relationship to keep sticking that in your partners face. Jesus said if you think it..you’ve already don’t it. And porn encourages the idea that women are just good for one thing ……and to lust, which is a sin. This same guy I’m with has also had extreme issue with round the clock porn and infidelity issues. I wonder why? Considering that all the sites are now connected to locals in the area that want affairs…Ashley Madison…XDating…etc. So tempting yourself with it ..Will lead to no good.

    Now, I’m struggling with marrying this guy that’s there for me and truly loves me, yet has done so much to ruin My self esteem that our sex is a chore. And btw, he stopped the porn and his erections have improved.

    Anyway, something to think about…


  9. 369

    Dear writer, I would like to point out that men can be attracted to other women as well as women can be attracted to other men. Now, going to a strip club or watching porn so you can wack off fantasying about that objecyfied woman is actually giving in on hour lust. I don’t go masturbate in the bathroom when I see an attractive men. This is giving men the right to be a jerk.

    1. 369.1
      Karmic Equation


      Men aren’t women with penises.

      Just because YOU (a woman) don’t masturbate if you see a hot guy, doesn’t mean men won’t.

      Just as men don’t suddenly find an unattractive woman attractive because he finds out she drives a Lamborghini.

      You can’t measure a man’s love with the same measuring stick that you use to measure your love for a man. That way lies headaches and heartaches.

      Most men show their love by what they DO for a women. Most women like to be TOLD how much they’re loved. This is why most women will fall for the silver tongued player, who knows how to seduce her with words (such as false promises and flatter) — and not for the guy who offers to watch her dog when she’s on vacation or to help her fix her computer.

      Learn to hear a man’s love language instead of insisting that the man learns to speak in yours. It’s a LOT easier to appreciate a man when you understand HIS love language. And women, in general, are better at language, spoken and unspoken 🙂

      The key to happiness in a relationship, imo, is for the woman to be FLUENT in all five love languages. Then she always notices when a man is “speaking love” to her.

      You can still have your “primary” language (mine is quality time, and my secondary love language is physical touch). However, being fluent in all the languages really really helps overcome a lot of misunderstandings caused by the couple speaking in different love languages.

      That said, just as communications are always easier when both parties speak the same verbal language, it is much easier to have a relationship with a man who either majors or minors in one of your love languages.

      1. 369.1.1
        Suzy Q

        both men and women masturbate and one third of porn consumers are women so I’m not sure what “he’s not a woman with a penis” has to do with anything. You’re on a tangent that has nothing to do with her point. The fug does 5 love languages have to do with watching porn?

        I think personally think Graziela is missing out by having such strict views on porn, both in losing out on a decent partner just because he indulges in porn but also the fun in using it as part of a mutually satisfying sexual relationship between consenting adults. But that’s just me and that’s her right. But I’m not sure communication skills are the biggest issue here.

        1. Sheeple

          You’re porn statistic is wrong. And btw mist women that DO watch porn aren’t doing it for themselves…they’re watching it to make their asinine s.o. happy. The other half are the same ones who are suddenly ” bi” and “like porn”

          The women or girls who’ll do anything men consider “hot” like watch porn, be with other women, etc. most ” bi” women aren’t even really ” bi”.


          See: tattoos, bi, cutters,  misfits, tramp stamp, nose rings, lip rings, body piercings, etc

  10. 370

    Sorry, but no. A man cannot go to a strip club and be a good husband. You say you know this because you’ve done it all?  If you’re going to a strip club, then you are NOT a good husband, so stop kidding yourself. A good husband takes his vows seriously!!!! Nowhere in your marriage vows did it say “I promise to go to a strip club and get a disease, and bring it home to you” Get the F*&@ out of here!! In marriage there needs to be RESPECT and you are NOT respecting your wife if you are allowing someone else to rub their body all over yours!!!

    1. 370.1

      You cannot be a “little” married, a “little” pregnant or having just a “little” sex.

      Either you are or you aren’t. Intentional sexual touching or accepting being sexually touched by another person is having a “little” sex. Sorry boys, even the best rhetoric an attorney can muster can’t alter these facts.  LOL




  11. 371

    did any of you think for one second that he maybe looking because he can fantasize about her? He knows he can dream about doing her anyway he likes because it won’t happen,were as if he were to look to you would he be able to fulfill those fantasies? How many of you are down for doggie or anal? And the reason he don’t ask is because he knows you will belittle him by call him a pervert or a bad father ( when if the shoe was on the other foot you scream that society calls you a slut for your perversions) so maybe instead of  focusing on your insecurities maybe focus on both of your insecurities and come to an understanding that God intended you to be two pieces of the same puzzle different but beautiful together.

    1. 371.1

      I completely disagree with you. I have done that and more to and with my partner and it didn’t stop him from searching garbage women online.  And if these men who cannot fulfill their needs because their women are too rigid, why don’t they fantasize about their women actually going through with it?!

      1. 371.1.1

        Unfortunately, some men will always look at other women and not be satisfied with what they have got.  Look at how many married men purchase Playboy and similar magazines.
        This is something that the woman needs to look for when she is dating him, and if she does not want a man who does that, she needs to not get involved with him.

        1. Pol E Anna

          Looking at other women =/= not being satisfied necessarily. Sorry but I just can’t buy that.

  12. 372

    im not gonna lie this article pissed me off, why because he really thinks like an educated pig. So men look , so do women and want variety, their not built to be monogamous no no you are right on that one…they are innately selfish this why they cannot do monogamy not because they want variety please, I could screw a different man every night if I didn’t have a standard or only thought of self gratification…this I need to plant my seed and I need to drop an egg…crock of shit! All these excuses for the man boy cause that’s what it’s really about. Good men are not the exception and they’re not finishing last anymore. If your fantasizing about other women and watching porn you are not a good husband, there are plenty of other ways to bring that fire into your bedroom, again it goes back to self serving… Shit like this guilt trips women into thinking they have to tolerate less an what each good, committed person deserves, a honest, faithful in mind, body and spirit partner. If women started on a path of thinking like this type of man we’d all be whores not worth a shit, we would never get that pass of “oh she’s biologically not designed to be faithful, she has to share her eggs with as many men as she can” and ” she masturbates to the hot neighbor, but she’s a good mother and wife” after all it’s just the neighbor and just a fantasy.

    1. 372.1

      THIS IS SO GODDAM TRUE. You are 100% correct and accurate. WOMEN WHO FALL FOR THIS SHIT are stupid! And brainwashed and can’t think for themselves. 

      They hear something on TV OR in a blog and rather than think for themselves, follow along.

  13. 373

    Oh, and one more thing……..

    Men think they are God’s gift to women?

    Then ask her How many times does she fake it so your ego doesn’t get hurt-because you obviously do not know how to please a woman?……..

    Just sayin…..

    1. 373.1

      This made me smile. 🙂

      “Then ask her How many times does she fake it so your ego doesn’t get hurt-”

      I’m seeing a transitional man who possessed the qualities I couldn’t resist– chiseled abs, quads, hamstring, calves, compelling in the most powerful, irresistible way and hot brain 😉

      Sex was fluid. Sensational. There will be no doubt in any man’s mind. And yet this man asked was it good for you too?

      Btw, I’m the initiator when it comes to sex. I say what I want, when I want it. The freedom comes from life lessons, being in transition, living today.

      This need for validation did you have an orgasm? I don’t get, I said. I want to know if you enjoyed it since it appears you only want me for sex, he said in a banter pouting.  Smh. That’s another post. 🙂

  14. 374
    Pol E Anna

    There’s a new show on Starz called the Girlfriend Experience, about a $1,000/hour escort.

    I suggest that women who are furious and ready to call it quits over their man glancing at another woman once in a while or occasionally indulging in porn and masturbation watch a few episodes of this show.

    You might get a new perspective on the definition of infidelity and what makes a bad husband/partner.

    No this is not a spam post plugging the show. 😀


    1. 374.1

      Sounds like you have a woman who has issues with you. Everyone masturbates. If they say they don’t, their lying.

      Porn, tv, magazines- all are promoting women as sexual objects. In Africa, it is the norm for women to be topless. Men pay no mind. Looking and gawking are a learned behavior. Cognitive behaviorist can reteach an appropriate behavior.

      I just wish men could be gentlemen.

      And yes, I know all too well about infidelity. Why he did it? He got bored when I left him because he is a lazy man who could not take care of his family or himself. He lied to me for 16 years. Probably has happened 3,4 times. Playing games on the Internet. If he won’t talk, I do not know what I lack. But he still looks at other women. How does she know what you like if you do not tell her?

      Communication is a 2 way street. Tell your woman what you like. You may be surprised that she would do anything for you if she loves you. Anything.

      Im gorgeous. I try to keep things spiced up. Not a lot I haven’t done for him. Yet some men are never satisfied.

      Why do I stay? Marriage is for life. My dad taught me not to give up. And I am no quitter.


      1. 374.1.1
        Pol E Anna

        I am a woman and I am heterosexual.


        I am sorry for what you went through. No one should ever have to deal with a cheating partner.

        But I think you know that men who watch porn do not all cheat.

        1. Christina

          Very true about the porn.

          And thanks. (:

      2. 374.1.2

        This happened to me same thing. He’s a sex Addict. You’re lacking NOTHING Hun. He could be with the most beautiful, adventurous, sexiest, hottest, smartest, thinnest, richest, biggest breasted, best body, supermodel perfect woman and he would STILL CHEAT!


        It’s not you.

        You live life ONE TIME! You have one shot….you are not a prisoner. Your mom taught you WRONG! You don’t stay loyal, you don’t stay married, you don’t stay miserable for the sake of someone else who does NOT DESERVE IT!

        Your mom is WRONG! THINK For YOURSELF, you need to use you brain, your feelings, your independence as an individual. Your life IS YOUR LIFE!

        You’ve it how YOU FEEL it should be. Nit how someone else tells you it should be!


        We do not have the right to impose our beliefs on other people and expect them to confirm to our wishes.

        You are not a sheep, a dog, an idiot or an imbecile. 

        You control your own thoughts period. Your mom or whoever it was who ” taught” you can do as they wish with their lives and their beliefs. Yours are yours and yours alone and no one else’s to have say so.

        Know this.

  15. 375

    I know what makes a bad husband.

    One who cheated and then lied for 16 years. Still lying. My father taught me marriage is for life. And I am no quitter.

    Simply put….stop the crap excuses.

    You look. It is disrespectful to the one who is giving their life to you. Your partner. Your friend.

    Is this how you want your son to treat women?


  16. 376

    Let’s go a step further. What about the very-married men who actively pursue any woman who doesn’t have a man near her conventionally just out of view and earshot of his wife?

    I’ve been around the block a few times meaning, I’m older now and have been there, done that. Worked in  male dominated industry and married.  This {leering, strip clubs, any opportunity to objectify and pursue women) is getting to be the norm, not the exception. Men have devolved and become uncivilized. . It’s starts with looking at other women. When they realize they can get away with that, they actually strategize to get away with more. Can’t tell you how many times I have been cornered, propositioned and groped (and more). I’ve had more fights with men in semi-hidden places than I’ve had with anyone in a public space. They are always POd when we don’t comply and will go out their way to ruin us after that final event. And no, it doesn’t matter if we are married/single/ hot/ugly short/ tall, etc. etc.or any other irrelevant variable they try to use later as a reason for their actions. The only motive is they want to engage in sex with your body.

    Women are not objects, yet you objectify them every time you engage  with women outside your marriage for purely selfish sexual reasons,which includes leering and being sexually touched by them. Just because you have managed to gaslight your own wife, Evan, doesn’t mean you can BS the rest of us.

  17. 377
    Evan Marc Katz

    Jane, you’re making a lot of faulty assumptions here:

    “What about the very-married men who actively pursue any woman who doesn’t have a man near her conventionally just out of view and earshot of his wife?”

    That’s terrible. Married men shouldn’t “actively pursue” ANY woman EVER – regardless of the proximity of his wife. I have never even suggested that. This is a slippery slope argument that doesn’t serve your purpose because any objective reader will then see your logic in a dimninished capacity. It’s sort of like having a glass of wine at dinner vs being a full fledged alcoholic. So, to be crystal clear, turning one’s head to notice another attractive party is a FAR cry from a married man cheating on his wife. No one is making the argument you’ve suggested I’m making.

    “This {leering, strip clubs, any opportunity to objectify and pursue women) is getting to be the norm, not the exception. Men have devolved and become uncivilized.”

    You have it backwards. Men are evolving and becoming MORE civilized. You can pick up Steven Pinker’s book, The Better Angels of Our Nature, for more proof. Or you can just go on the internet. There has never been more awareness of women’s issues – wage gap, objectification, double standards, YouTube videos, hashtags, liberal leaning blogs calling out any and all incidents of sexism, and there has never been a generation of men who are more attuned to these issues than the current one. The mere suggestion that we’re getting worse, not better, is designed to augment your argument, but actually diminishes it, because it’s untrue. I am more evolved than my father. My father was more evolved than my grandfather. And so on. Your anger doesn’t change that.

    “Can’t tell you how many times I have been cornered, propositioned and groped (and more). I’ve had more fights with men in semi-hidden places than I’ve had with anyone in a public space.”

    100% unacceptable. Full stop. The one thing you’re right about is that men want to “engage in sex with your body.” It’s terrible that there are so many men who blur and erase the line between showing interest/making the first move and being aggressive and threatening.

    “Women are not objects, yet you objectify them every time you engage with women outside your marriage for purely selfish sexual reasons,which includes leering and being sexually touched by them.”

    Once again, you engage in a bit of hyperbole to make your point. And, once again, I will acknowledge a piece of your point – men DO objectify women as sex objects. I’ve long said that men look for sex and then find love. In the act of pursuing sex, they realize, “hey, I think she’s cool, too.” But it begins with something primal. No guy stands at a party and looks at a woman, thinking, she looks really nice, grounded and easygoing. I’ll bet she’ll be a good mother. And this is our disconnect and you can stand to learn something:

    This is NORMAL. Go to Wikipedia. Scroll to the biological basis of love. Read the piece about the first phase of love, as described by Helen Fisher. It’s called LUST. Lust is driven by testosterone. Men – especially young men – are FILLED with testosterone and see the world in a different light than you do. So you can complain all you want at “how men are,” but in expecting them NOT to be lustful and driven by sex, you are, in essence, denying reality. It would be like wanting the sky to be a different color because you don’t like blue. The vast majority of men eventually learn to control their impulses, lose testosterone, gain respect for women, etc, etc. The bad apples don’t. You make a big mistake when you conflate normal men who appreciate other women’s beauty with ALL men and sexual assaulters. Looking is not leering. Making conversation to make a woman laugh is not akin to infidelity or assault. You really need to separate the two and see more nuance in the situation.

    “Just because you have managed to gaslight your own wife, Evan, doesn’t mean you can BS the rest of us.”

    Gaslighting means that I’m making an argument that would imply to my own wife that she’s going crazy. In fact, we have a ridiculously happy marriage, incredible communication, and are on the same page with everything except for when to go to bed and how many things we should store in our attic. My wife – growing up with 2 brothers – actually likes and understands men and doesn’t see us as this uniformly monolithic threat to women – even though she’s been cheated on multiple times and was inappropriately touched as a teen. I suggest you try to adopt her attitude instead of attacking ethical happily married men who love and respect women and devote their lives to helping them making healthier relationship choices.

  18. 378

    Maybe this new generation of young men ( my 17 yr old daughters gen) is shifting. But yours is rife with problems when it comes to how to honor women. And if the media has its way,this next one up will be disturbed too.

  19. 379

    I’ve read through a number of the responses and not once have I seen this issue raised: leering, ogling behaviour is not only deeply uncomfortable for the partner of the person doing it, it is also disrespectful – and can border on harassment – for the woman on the receiving end.

    This is where sexual harassment begins, where you have generations of men who believe it is their god-given, evolutionary right to ogle women, and who are enabled on by a society saturated in images that objectify women. It starts with the thing Cat’s husband is doing – staring all night at a woman (how must she feel about this creepy behaviour?) – and often expands to catcalls, whistles, touching, groping. I don’t have a single female friend or relative who has not been ogled, touched, or harassed in this way, and I have friends and relatives living on several continents.

    So please, men, whatever your convictions about your right to assess and judge the bodies of women, remember that you don’t have the right to make them (or your partner) feel uncomfortable. Be discreet in your assessments, if that is what you choose to do every time a woman passes you by, and take this lesson from women: no matter what you say about us being less turned on by men’s bodies, about not being visual creatures like you are, in reality we LOVE the bodies of well-toned and good-looking men, we are just as likely to have our heads turned when a gorgeous male creature comes into view. Yet, somehow, the vast majority of us have the ability to admire men without resorting to that awful, objectifying behaviour so common among men and which violates not only the person you’re responding to, but also the person you’re with.

  20. 380


    I think most women understand your explanation of men. I logically know what you are saying is rational and shouldn’t bother women so much. I think as women we are just predisposed to FEEL so much, that the hurt we feel we do t know what to do with it. My husband is an excellent provider, he comes home to me every night. But when we go out I almost have a nervous breakdown. He stares at everything coming and going. Front, back, up and down. He makes comments and want to fantasize having athreesome with them when we get home. He says it’s only for fun. I feel he is trustworthy physically, but he has shattered my self esteem. Looking and appreciating sexual beauty is fine with me. I just think women don’t understand how to give men the freedom to be who they are without feeling hurt and less than. Especially a we get older. When do women get to be who they are… Sensitive creatures that with just a little consideration to their feelings would gladly give men everything they need to be who they are.. Guilt free.. Thank you Evan for who you are!

  21. 381

    I disagree completely with this article! When men marry, they are committing themselves to that one person.  Why should it be considered ok to accept other women into the relationship? After all isn’t lusting after other women already committing adultery in one’s heart already. I think loyal,  good hearted women deserve loyal good hearted men. If the man chooses to be unloyal with his feelings,  he’s not worthy of you. Eventually he will give in to his disloyal desires who after longingly looking at the cake doesn’t get tempted to take a bite.

  22. 382

    This is such crap.

    Men always think everything is about *them*. Typical article written by a guy who, frankly, sounds smug.

    Quiz for the author ~

    Did you know MANY women (including myself) get sexually aroused by hot men when we see them in public? It’s true ~ guys do not have exclusive ownership of this trait.

    Would you like to know what thoughts go through your wife’s head were she to watch a male stripper 10x as hot and endowed as you?  Didn’t think so.

    Would you be ok with your wife watching porn everyday & masturbating to it, especially if the guys in said porn are hot with huge dicks? I love porn with hot guys in it and I never fail to be amused when it “bothers” some boyfriends … okayyyyy … so it’s “normal” for a guy to go to a strip joint or watch porn, get aroused as hell but still be a great partner?  Guess what, clowns, women too are capable of same.

    I am so tired of this “men will be men” bs when most women today have the same carnal desires. Not all of us have these built in limitations that you allude to. Not all of us need 46 minutes of foreplay.

    Please grow up and quit contributing to this commonly held nonsense that men are visual and women are not. Stereotypes like that make me livid.

    As an aside, a friend of mine asked me about beast implants one day ~ her live in boyfriend kept nagging her to get them and even offered to pay for them. She began to feel sh*tty about herself. I told her to go home that night and tell him if he were willing to surgically enlarge his penis to please her then she would be happy to get the boob job. 🙂


    1. 382.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I’m not smug. If anything, I was answering a common question as honestly as I could. The fact that you don’t like my answer or disagree with it says nothing about the quality of the answer itself; it speaks more about you. So quickly:

      a) Did I know many women get aroused by hot men? Yes. I went on 300 dates, am happily married for 8 years and have been a dating coach for women for 13 years. I know lots of things about women that you might not expect.

      b) Would I like to know what thoughts go through my wife’s head while she watches a male stripper 10X as hot and endowed as I am? Not really. But she has gone to bachelorette parties with hot male strippers at least 3 or 4 times since I’ve known her. I just never thought to ask her what was going through her mind. Maybe I will on the drive to dinner tonight.

      c) Would I be okay with my wife watching porn and masturbating to it every day? Every day? Doing anything every day seems like a bit of an addiction to me. But if she did it in moderation? Fine by me. I’m no hypocrite.

      d) Thus, all of your anger at me is misplaced. The original question was about why MEN act the way they do. The fact that a percentage of women (including you) do the exact same thing doesn’t change my answer at all.

      e) Finally, I didn’t say that women aren’t visual – merely that men are MORE visual. That’s like saying that men are taller. Are ALL men taller than ALL women? No. But on the whole, yes, men are taller, stronger, more visual, more aggressive, more likely to cheat, more likely to fight, more likely to rape, more likely to wage war – all because of a little thing called testosterone, which we have more of than you do. Your anger at stereotypes doesn’t change the fact that they have a basis in truth.

      1. 382.1.1

        Evan are you sure men are MORE visual? Or is just more accepted for men to ACT on it?

        TBH it seems like a silly argument. Does it really matter who is more visual?

        The issue is respect. One needs to respect that their partner will continue to find other people attractive and not take it personally, and one in a relationship needs to understand that they should be wary of actions that make their partner uncomfortable. If you can’t find a middle ground and compromise, move on. Isn’t it a lot simpler than we’re all making it out to be?

        1. Adreana

          “Evan are you sure men are MORE visual? Or is just more accepted for men to ACT on it?”

          YES! My belief is women and men are equally visual , although many men ( and women) want to bite my head off for saying this.

          The difference is women are usually more subtle when “checking out” other attractive men and are more sensitive and attuned to their partner’s feelings.

  23. 383


    this is an amazing article. I think you’ve done an excellent job and it has given me a fresh perspective. I know I’ll be reading it again to refresh myself!

  24. 384

    I think this has more to do with culture and society rather than nature. I believe women and men are not that different, neither of us are monogamous by nature,we chose it, the difference is that society expects women to stay  virgin until marriage, so we are raised thinking that having sex before marriage is bad, and anything regarding women sexuality is a taboo and its is, thats the reason more women dont even know their own sexuality, they are clueless while society expects men to more sexual and have lots of sexual partners. Since I learned more about my sexuality and how good sex is, I can say I think like a men, I am in a relationship but when I am out with my boyfriend, I still look at another men, I still have sexual fantasies about other men, I still wish I could hook up with every handsome men I meet just like men do with women but I chose not to do it even though I want to because I value more my relationship and I love my partner.

  25. 385

    so I just got engaged a week ago. My man is ten years older than me. I’m 30 he’s 40. He treats me like the world does everything to make me happy and show me that I’m special, but ive recently noticed that everywhere we go and there’s a woman he seems to look down towards her ass. I finally brought it up to him he swears he’s not checking them out. That he only has eyes for me. So every time I see him do it I just laugh and he says to me “whats funny’? my response is your funny. so I started doing it to him looking at guys and letting him noticed that iv’e turned my head because someone has caught my attention, now he laughs and I don’t even ask him what’s funny. sometimes hell see me look and say oh he’s you type. I just reply with no your my type. Its amazing how they can make us feel like shit but the moment we do it they feel the way they make us feel.

    I feel that any man who really loves a woman will have no eyes for another woman same for us women. Men don’t know a good thing when they have it until it’s too late. I think men that can look at other women with their spouse being present or not being present isn’t really in love and need to stay single and be the pig that they are. Men have no respect for the woman that they say they love. but please men never forget pussy makes the world go round as much as you guys look is the amount that a woman has the chance to get laid. It’s way easier to get laid being a woman than a man. You men have to work for it we don’t never forget the power of the pussy the control we have on you men. we say who we fuck and when we fuck and that’s what goes down

  26. 386

    point blank don’t do what you don’t want done to you don’t make people feel how you don’t want to feel

  27. 387

    I don’t know. In reading this I can’t help but think we’re talking about the unenlightened. If we want to behave like cavemen and act like we have no sense, then this hits the nail on the head. We’ve been programmed to think that it’s “biology” and therefore OK since we’re nothing more than animals who can’t control ourselves. Look to the elite Agenda 21 and the systematic break down of the family, and deliberate dumbing down of the human population. Don’t you think there may be a reason TV has gotten vulgar at almost every turn? Women never wearing any clothes, or what could be called clothes? They have been successful! Look around, they have you accepting all this as OK, because it’s just our animalistic nature. The people in control of this world think we (the 99%) are all worthless pieces of shit and we have fallen right in line with their plan. They laugh at us with a snarl on their face not hiding how much they hate the scum of the earth (us) and cackle with all their cronies while reading articles like this because they see they are winning. They can’t stand sheep! Even though they are the ones who create them.

    1. 387.1
      Lisa Siwanowicz

      Yes, bdoll. You are correct. Hopefully this will all be over soon. Best wishes.

  28. 388

    Of course said by a man.   Just an excuse to behave like a teenage boy…not a man.  Women want to believe their man because they are afraid to lose their man.  Find a adult mature man not a man with the mind of a  teenage boy that doesn’t want to group up and blame women are insecure if they disagree.  Find a man that know how lucky he is to have you.

  29. 389

    I’m a guy.  Maybe I can give somewhat of an insiders perspective.

    90% of the time, I see a beautiful woman walk by and I won’t even notice.  8% of the time I notice how beautiful they are but my superego keeps me from checking her out.  So about 2% of the time I have the opportunity I am checking a girl out :/

    Anyways.  Funny thing is, this above post still seems right to me.  In reality, among men I must be in the bottom 10% in this category.  About 9 of 10 of my male friends comments one day to the next about a girl he works with or a woman he saw on the street, or on a woman he just saw I was completely oblivious to.

    If I could make a real test among the different male friends I have (I’m in my twenties), I think I would find probably no correlation between this factor and whether the guy is a prick.  I mean I know guys like Gandhi who will still offhandedly mention how beautiful they think a woman is or even something about her body (let’s not get into his relationship with his nieces).  However it’s more the length a guy talks about it and the flavor of it.  Then you have the really egoistic guys who- besides having every conversation about women ( by itself not so odd) you hear how they laugh off a girls “problems” with them, which they feel better about because they’re cheating on her anyways >< This is punctuated by the guy explaining his role-play sex with the waitress, or with his imagination of what her sister looks like.

    So, in conclusion, there must be something else going on.  I don’t know, the factor of checking girls out by itself doesn’t seem to explain jerks to me.  On the other hand, you might add it to a list of thinks that should make you suspicious.

    One last note:

    I don’t know where you ladies all meet such horrible men.  I’m a man and some of these stories show some pretty horrible and superficial men.  I mean, I’m not saying I’m not superficial haha but yeah.  I suppose I have had a few friends with a real sense of chauvinism and an ego.  I couldn’t even stand it after a while.  Maybe they just spend all of their time trying to have sex with another different woman and can’t even stand to make another male friend (yeeesh, to think how often this might be the case).  They’re not my friends anyway.

    By the way this is all coming from a guy with a pinup girl tattooed on his arm.

  30. 390
    cynthia Rivera

    We women can be just as open minded. A weak minded individual can fall for stupid ability to be tempted by the physical. A strong individual fines what he or she already has more intriguing then any stranger or something they can not touch. If this is how men that consider themselves to be good husbands think..its disappointing.

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