Why Does He Keep Sexy Photos of His Old Girlfriends?

Why Does He Keep Sexy Photos of His Old Girlfriends?

I’m engaged to be married to my fiancé. We’ve have been together for 2 years now. My issue is that I want to completely trust him, but he makes it very hard for me to do so.

When the subject of past relationships comes up, he always has a different response as to the number of partners he has had and the seriousness of the relationships.

Also, I’ve found many nude or nearly nude photos on his computer of women he has dated. He also never deleted any women’s phone numbers in his phone after months of us dating. When I asked him why, he said it’s because he doesn’t want to answer when they call.

After we were already engaged, a woman he had a short fling with sent him a provocative photo which he then forwarded to a friend, I guess to prove the fact that she was still not over him.

I don’t feel in the least intimidated about these women, because I’m very secure in myself and in my appearance, but it bothers me that he even would go so low as to associate with and actually sleep with them.

I know this is just the bad part of our relationship but this is basically the main negative. He is, however, the man I fell in love with and actually thought was my soulmate very early on in our relationship.

What do you think? –Evelyn

Dear Evelyn,

I think I need a little more information about you and your fiancé to be able to give a thoughtful and well-informed answer.

I’d like to know how old you are, how long it took until he proposed, what his past looks like, how many women he’s been with, whether his parents are still married and whether he’s the type of person who prides himself on being a devoted husband and father.

There is a very valid explanation for why some men lie; their girlfriends can’t handle the truth.

If he’s very young, proposed very quickly, has a history of cheating and/or deviant behavior, and is getting married despite his lack of belief in the institution, you may have some major issues to confront.

However, without that, all I can do is insert myself in his shoes to address your insecurities about him.

(By the way, this is what I do on every single question. I ask myself: would I do what her boyfriend is doing? If I’d do it, it’s not that bad, because I know that I’m a normal guy and good husband.)

So, you’ve asked him a number of times how many partners he’s had.

You know how many times my wife has asked me? Zero.

You know why she’s never asked me?

Because it’s irrelevant. The past is the past. If I’m 100% loyal and devoted and will be by my wife’s side until the day we die, what difference does it make if I was with 10 women or 100 women? That’s right. None.

Your insecurities are the reason that this topic keeps coming up, Evelyn. And because your fiancé knows you can’t handle the truth, he doesn’t tell you the truth. If the truth is that he’s slept with 100 women and this freaks you out, there doesn’t seem to be much value in telling you, is there?

If he has to put up with the third degree for admitting his humanity, it’s just easier to tell you what you want to hear.

I’m not defending a man who is a congenital liar, by the way.

I’m suggesting that there is a very valid explanation for why some men lie; their girlfriends can’t handle the truth. The truth is that he has a checkered past. The truth is that he likes porn. The truth is that he still finds other women attractive. This doesn’t make him a bad man or a bad partner. It makes him human. And if he has to put up with the third degree for admitting his humanity, it’s just easier to tell you what you want to hear.

Next, you’ve found nude photos on his computer of women he’s dated.

And how, pray tell, did you find such photos? Did they print themselves up? Was he using them as his wallpaper for his desktop?

Or did you get on his computer and start snooping through his files, only to discover that he has a past?

Once again, he wasn’t waving these nude photos in your face: you dug for pay dirt and you hit it. Congratulations. You got the “truth”.

Finally, you seem know which exes he has listed on his phone. How exactly do you know that? It couldn’t be because you looked through his phone, could it? Because I certainly don’t know who’s on my wife’s phone and she doesn’t know who’s on mine.

All in all, Evelyn, you claim that you’re not intimidated by these women, you’re secure with yourself, and you’re happily engaged.

I think your actions indicate otherwise.

Stop snooping, start trusting, and get on with your life instead of worrying about the past.

If you can’t trust your fiancé, you shouldn’t marry him.

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Comments:

  1. 181
    mary

    Wow I really dislike your response. Her fiance is obviously keeping stuff from her.. hurtful stuff. If they are getting married he shouldn’t have anything to hide. My fiance knows all of my passwords and accounts, and I know all of his. Unfortunately there are so many women that are manipulated by their significant other lying. He should respect the women he has agreed to marry enough to tell the truth and not keep naked photos of them.

    1. 181.1
      Grace

      I agree 100%! Not only is it disrespectful, trust me–if he can hide secret photos, he is hiding more. It’s never all it seems.

      If a man is deceitful in one way, he is deceitful in other ways.

  2. 182
    Amber

    My husband has kept emails, photos and keepsakes of his last couple of girlfriends. A number of those photos are naked and very explicit emails. on principal I don’t have an issue with him having contact with his ex girlfriends as I have stayed in contact with a number of old high school, not recent boyfriends. both of us view porn together and seperate as a way to keep our own sex live interesting, does he view those photos and those emails and remembers his time with them, or is it simply another way to spice things up.

  3. 183
    Nacy

    If he’s in a relationship and engaged why does he still need to keep contact with his past? The moment a man say’s “move in with me” OR ” Be my wife” all ties of the single life should be gone.

    If you’re in a relationship for 4 years and he’s keeping his ex’s sexual pictures, why is he with you? Why is he looking at other females? He know’s he can have them, so why waste the other persons time?

    The man gives the female a reason to be insecure, she sure will carry that. She will have doubts, if he’s respectful, THERE is no reason why she would feel insecure.

    1. 183.1
      Karmic Equation

      Nacy,

      If a man “makes” a woman insecure, she should dump him.

      Why would a SECURE woman stay with a man who so obviously disrespects her or their relationship?

      “Making” him get rid of the pictures doesn’t get rid of the disrespect. It just gets rid of the pictures.

      So either the woman has a problem. Or the man has a problem. Either way, the woman should leave because this is a bigger problem than “just pictures of an ex.”

  4. 184
    Lisa

    I would never ask a man how many women he’s been with its not relevant to me.  I don’t answer the question if asked either.  I think how many relationships have you been in is a totally valid inquiry but I read this as Evan did that she was asking about sex. As far as the nude pics look lots of guys keep pics of exes and he probably still fantasizes about some of them in his alone time or even with you.  We all do that.  Think of it as similar to him looking at porn.  I have pics of exes that are dirty and trust me I have zero desire to get back with them!  Finally I also keep exes in my phone to avoid answering if they text or call or allow me to block them.   I am friendly with a lot of exes too.   And it is very possible the girl who sent the nude pic had no idea he was dating you as they had not spoken recently.   I think you are overreacting and maybe you have other reasons to not do so.  But what you lost here is pretty normal!

  5. 185
    Chiquituno

    She has a reason not to trust. 1. His stories about his past are not consistent. 2. He forwards a provocative photo of an ex to a friend.

    There is nothing wrong with having photos or phone numbers of ex’s. If you are still emotionally attached.  Otherwise they are gone whether or not you are in a new relationship or not. Why would you keep them otherwise? Photos are to keep memories alive, and ex’s phone numbers are to keep possibilities alive. If he breaks up with his current fiancé (or later down the line when the marriage goes south) he can reminisce with photos or he hasn’t lost their numbers so he can reconnect with them. Purely selfish and  keeping his options open. It’s not about her being jealous, insecure or not trustworthy. I’ve seen this, experienced it, and it is HE who needs to show honestly and trustwothyness. I bet he shows his untrustworthyness in other areas as well, maybe finances. I don’t agree with Evan. The BF is showing major signs of shadiness, non-availability, egotism, and emotional immaturity and I wouldn’t marry him.

  6. 186
    Jeanne

    Man I love your blogs Evan !!

  7. 187
    Glori

    This was kept from me also and I wasn’t snooping . Don’t marry this man ,  it will get worse ! He is a sick puppy and it has nothing to do with trust , it has all to do with respect… Think twice or you will be sorry because it’s not going to go away no matter what he says . It’s a disease , seriously .  ~~Good Luck~~

  8. 188
    Anon

    I agree in the sense that her finding the pictures of exes being a little too sneaky. No matter the reason. In her defense I also know its a little concerning to find those photos. I came across some with my husband because I was using his computer to pay  a bill once and saw a site pop up in his history. He made a profile of the chick using her photos because he was mad at her. He would also check the profile regularly because he made it out that she was bi and wanted to see pictures of other women. When I found out I deleted the profile and told him that if I even discovered another profile like that I was done. (we were newly married after dating for 2 years) Now he is back to being best friends with the chick again and although I don’t like it he hugs her and has kissed her but claims its like a sisterly kiss. (I believe its only been on the cheek but lets face it I don’t like being around them together after knowing he has those pictures.) I am a firm believer if you have photos like that then you have some attraction to the person. So she has right to be concerned but if she that concerned she shouldn’t marry him. If I knew before I was married I probably would have cancled my own wedding.

    1. 188.1
      Karmic Equation

      Anon,

      You’re married now and you’re not demanding that they end their friendship, which is quite good of you.

      However, I would suggest that if it bothers you that they kiss each other when greeting, you should just tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and could he please not do that?

      Ask nicely and matter-of-factly, not with accusation or anguish.

      See how he reacts. If asked reasonably, he should acquiesce with a minimum of fuss.

      If he over-reacts, hmmm, then something isn’t right.

      1. 188.1.1
        Anon

        I have told him how I felt and he says he has always done that. He thinks it’s ridiculous that it bothers me. He swears up and down its only friendship so its either I live with it or pack up our kids and divorce him.

        1. Karmic Equation

          I’m sorry to hear that, Anon.

          Not sure how you asked him, but if you asked him in a less than matter-of-fact way and more in an accusatory way, then he probably reacted to that with “You can’t tell me what to do!” kind of attitude. Understandable, but not very mature.

          However, if you were calm and simply said, “Hon, can you do me a favor? It makes me really uncomfortable for you to kiss your former lover in front of me. So, can you please just shake her hand when you greet her? I’d really appreciate that.”

          If you were calm like that, then, unfortunately, your man values “his chick” more than he values you.

          Why would you want to stay married to a man who doesn’t value you as much as a former lover? A man who would rather hurt or offend you than a former lover? Maybe the problem is that she is not a “former” lover and you kind of know that deep inside.

          There’s some things that need to be fixed in your relationship for it to become healthy.

          Divorce is an option if counseling is not. And even if you had counseling.

          If you make a reasonable request — asking him to not kiss her in front of you is reasonable, whereas asking him to end his friendship (if that had been all it was) would not have been — and he refuses to comply and instead belittles your feelings, you have to not be a doormat.

          Decide what are acceptable solutions to you and act with decisiveness. Don’t stop yourself from doing what is right out of fear.

          Good luck, honey.

  9. 189
    Julie

    So, that means it’s cool if I keep pictures of my hot exes then, right?

  10. 190
    Julie

    Guys, I have it. I have the answer.

    Let’s just do away with monogamy altogether. Well all be so much happier!

    Think about it:

    If one bf was stressing you out, you could just go hang out with your other one and vice versa.

    I mean, everyone cheats anyway, so we might as well just stop the monogamy thing.

    1. 190.2
      Michelle

      That’s really really ironic  if you think about it. You see, men will never agree to this because they already do it with their side chicks and their mistresses,  if they agree to this, then women become equal and get to do it too !!! how is that possible??!  no no no no no !! only men can be that side cheaters “legally” gazing at other women …  and women just have to take it! God forbid you should look at another naked man !!  Great answer … lol.

  11. 191
    Rachael

    When your man tells you, “You are the most beautiful woman in the world” but you know he has ex’s saved in his spank bank his words don’t mean a thing!  If a man or woman is sharing private pics of ex’s RUN because you are next.  When a man watches porn, talks to ex’s, has pictures of other women, etc. it sends the message that his woman isn’t the one, she’s just the one who’s conveniently there.  If you value something, you keep it safe.  You don’t put your valuables in a position where they would be stolen or damaged.  The same is true with relationships.  Friend-ing it up with ex’s, and taking in all they eye candy the “net” has to offer is leaving your doors unlocked.  If he isn’t securing his doors to potential threats, why should the woman?  If he isn’t holding the relationship as sacred then why should she?  Being friends with your ex’s is also known as having in your back pocket.  Looking else where is looking else where, this means you aren’t fulfilled in your relationship.  These behaviors send 2 messages, (1) I’m not really settled down because I’ve got in the pocket and I’m still looking.  or  (2)  I’m not settling down, I’m just settling for less than what I really want and I’m going to supplement my needs with all these other things.   Most women aren’t satisfied with either.   Saying I DO is a “meant” to be a life long commitment.

    If you are buying a used car do you take the salesmen’s word that it’s in good shape or do you check it out for yourself?  This was the snooping…..   a car is on average a 5 year commitment, not a lifetime.    Enough of the “Boys will be Boys”  Men are still under the impression that it’s a man’s world…..This isn’t the case.

    Now on the other hand is you and your partner have been open and agreed to the set terms and expectations of the relationship and both parties are happy with it then good for you.  But on average, this isn’t the case.   BTW in the modern age, everyone should be tested for STD’s and require the papers upfront before they get their business on.

  12. 192
    s

    Whether she “snooped” or not is irrelevant. Moreover, there is no snooping in marriage. You are now sharing your life with someone, that means your money, your home, yes even your precious phone. This is the nature of marriage as it was intended, a union between you and another human, not between you and your phone or you and porn (which is cheating by the way and very unhealthy for the brain and penis, contrary to what this moron who is purporting himself as an expert would suggest).

    Further more, any man who found dick pics on his wife’s/fiancee’s phone or computer would be furious.

    But by all means, if you want to be in a crappy, marriage with little to no sex because you have disrespected your partner and broken his/her trust, keep you exes pictures and your porn.

  13. 193
    kris sharp

    I disagree 100% with Evan for the first time. My psychologist (30 yrs in practice, author, marriage specialist), who is on the psych.national board for electronic and social media and how psychologists are learning to handle these newer type issues, gave my spouse and I basic guidelines to follow to preserve our marriage in this day of social media, and he has seen many relationships fail due to social media.

    1. No friends of opposite sex on social media unless coworkers, mutual friends, or relatives.

    2. No hiding passwords from each other (also applies to bank accounts, emails, etc) because innocent people have nothing to hide!

    3. No messaging or reconnecting with exes or being friends with exes on social media

    For obvious reasons, we didn’t even bother to ask about nude pics of exes!!! I can tell you what his answer would be! Would be waaaay to embarrassed and have way too much class to even bring that up, as it is so blatantly disrespectful to do to your spouse.

    Also, I have to agree with Licensed counselor and relationship expert Bob Grant, who has written several great books, including The Bonding Code, when he said the best predictor of the future behavior of someone is past behaviors, and he said this was also what the FBI teaches in their training on human behavior. Meaning, people rarely change. If he was a sex addict in the past, he probably is now!!

    Kris

  14. 194
    Grace Mauberret

    Once a cheater, always a cheater. Especially if the cheater is a sex addict.

    Cut your losses now.

    1. 194.1
      Johnny

      100% true and usually they’re narcissist.

    2. 194.2
      Michelle

      I agree with this -do not waste another 3 to 4 years figuring it out  when you could be finding somebody else .

  15. 195
    FG

    # Kris  193

    The NSA loves you! My emails, my laptop, my passwords? MINE!
    Old friends of the female persuasion? I have some. I might have lunch and catch up. Recently went out with a friend and her fiancé. Another one is my only MD friend. Very useful to keep an MD friend. 🙂
    My business or personal bank accounts? Not your purview.
    Might mention in passing the really BAD idea of only having a mutual account. Should one spouse pass away (accident or the like), the accound is locked down until probate ends.

  16. 196
    FG

    As to other concerns expressed herein, “I only have eyes for you” is a song lyric expressing a moment in time.  Not a promise for eternity.
    If women believe that we are not or should not be attracted to other women, spectacular, sexy, dressed to kill, brilliant or whatever quality they may have in our male eyes, you will be sorely disappointed. Or the testosterone level of your partner is zero, which likely means that your sex life is dead.
    Feeling different levels of attraction for a variety of other women is normal. ACTING on that attraction si where we draw the line.

  17. 197
    Johnny

    These are both very defensive responses. The person who claims to love you, especially your fiance, should have ZERO reservations of sharing info with you upon request unless YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE.

    “Once again, he wasn’t waving these nude photos in your face: you dug for pay dirt and you hit it. Congratulations. You got the “truth”.  OMG this is hilarious. You should have added the “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” tag line to the end of that comment.

    “Finally, you seem know which exes he has listed on his phone. How exactly do you know that? It couldn’t be because you looked through his phone, could it? Because I certainly don’t know who’s on my wife’s phone and she doesn’t know who’s on mine.”

    So what if she looked through his phone, if he has something to hide, what’s wrong with that? I would show my phone in a second because I have NOTHING TO HIDE. Her fiance sounds like a textbook narcissist who can’t let go of his past relationships, like they’re trophies that feed his ego. As if to say, his “current love of his life” is not suffice. As for the nude pics his ex sent him, while in a current relationship (engaged for that matter), are you kidding me!? If anyone thinks that’s “ok” or “normal behavior” to you’re dirt-bag, period. Sounds like a womanizer to me.  That’s the problem with relationships today, no commitment. No wonder women don’t trust men and so many couples are “trying marriage” only to fail months, years afterwards. I have a friend who just got divorced from a guy after being married only two years. He would txt three to four girls (former friends and new acquaintances) , exchange pics, etc. and at first  she trusted he wasn’t doing anything. Once she saw the phone bill and asked to see his phone, he became defensive and started gaslighting. She later confirmed he was indeed cheating on her. Affairs don’t start in the bed room, they start with conversation. Also, how you behaved in your past (bad habits/red flags) are good indicators of how you’re going to behave in the future with someone. Old habits die hard for some people, so knowing someones past is not a bad thing, it’s behavioral research. The best thing is to also pay attention to how they currently live/behave. If someone’s behavior is a “red flag” to you and your standards in a relationship, listen to your head and avoid them. I believe the rise in popularity of social media in our culture has severely contributed to the rise in people being unfaithful and simply sexually deviant. Narcissists are feeding their egos such as Evelyn’s douche-bag fiance.  If you were enough for him he wouldn’t have pics of girls on his phone and he wouldn’t allow other women (ex’s) to be txting. Trust me, I’ve experienced several girlfriends go through this with their guy and it ends up destroying them and their relationship. Unless you’re both into looking at pics of women (rare) then he shouldn’t be doing it.  My advice, kick his ass to the curb, he’s not right for you and he doesn’t’ respect you or the relationship.

     

     

     

     

    1. 197.1
      Michelle

      Love your reply …

  18. 198
    Lola

    I totally disagree with most of the women making comments here. The thing that Evelyn has to realize is that he proposed to her, he’s her fiancé. You don’t do that if you still want to play the field.

    It is not a big deal for a guy to have pictures of his exes on his computer. Not any more than it is for him to have photo albums and other mementos from past relationships. To me, deleting all the photos, or throwing away photo albums is actually a bigger warning sign than someone keeping them. That shows paramount disrespect for what those women meant to him. Now saying this, there’s a difference between the photo albums being in the closet or on a coffee table. If they’re out for everyone to see, it doesn’t feel like the past.

    Also, when it comes to digitalization. A bunch of photos on a computer probably won’t last forever. Computers need to be replaced at least every ten years. My experience has actually been every 3, so that’s when your legit opportunity to convince him not to transfer all those old files to his new computer will come.

  19. 199
    Molly

    My intuition is that this couple is young and that the engagement happened quickly. It seems fairly obvious she snooped his computer and phone. She probably did this because she did not give herself enough time  to know him before committing. I would get out now. Their path as a couple seems to be headed towards a bad end.

     

     

  20. 200
    Ashlyn

    I wasn’t too fond of the response to the posed question.

    Sure, if you don’t trust him, don’t marry him. But sometimes it takes time and effort to build trust. Especially if either party in the relationship has done anything in the past to betray any trust that was once there.

     

    The asker knows that there are exs names in her finances phone. To me, there was no indication in any of her previous comments to her snooping. I’m pretty sure, in fact, that she mentioned an ex sent him an explicit picture, which means she may have seen it pop up and she asked him about it instead of being suspicious or he may have even have told her about it.

    My point is, insecurities are definitely nasty, but there’s nothing wrong with having them. Especially if your significant other is willing to work with you to either get rid of them or make you feel more comfortable about them. He most certainly shouldn’t dismiss your concerns, but you have to be open and honest and communicate with him about it. Because otherwise how does he know that he needs to make adjustments in order to make you feel more confident and trusting.

    1. 200.1
      Michelle

      Why is it OK to have nudes of an ex ?  it’s past, delete them !

  21. 201
    Adynasty

    What she doesn’t realize is if her intuition is screaming at her to check his phone and computer, there are already signs this dude is up to no good. This is not insecure. She knows something is off already. If you have to look to confirm your gut, you already know the truth. Cut him loose. Move on. Stay single. Wait for a guy that makes you feel safe.

  22. 202
    Michelle

    Keeping nudes of exes is a mistake , so is sharing them when you’re absolutely engaged to somebody else .  I don’t care how she found out about it .  It’s called integrity and trust and men have to play along with the same rules as women even though they are different .

  23. 203
    Elaine

    I agree with some points I.e your intuition tells you  when you cant trust them. Trust your intuition.  Evan, you may well be right that men dont like jealous mistrusting women. So to keep it simple, if you trust them you dont feel the need to ask. But if your instincts tell you something, get out.  I have a new partner who I thoroughly trust, but if he was keeping nude photos of exes…thats crossing the line. Contacting exes without telling me? Crossing the line. Hed have to go. And I had an ex that I just didnt trust and I snooped and caught him out. In hindsight, you do need to have proof when theyre denying everything but since I got away from him, im soooooo glad im not dealing with his lies and cr** any more. The first time my instincts tell me I cant trust him, im outta there.

  24. 204
    Tiffany

    Umm hello people.  I don’t have nude photos of my ex husband…when I moved on.  I moved on.  Why would I keep photos or videos of him and I being sexual or something as intimate as his naked body.  That would mean that I miss his body or his sex and I would never do that to someone I supposedly love now.  Porn (of OTHER people) whatever.  But someone I was married to….that I still talk to? Really.  How is this ok?  Keep those memories in your head (if you must) and move on with a fresh slate. Give the person you love the respect and dignity that your ex is not something you are still thinking about or keeping memories of, especially such intimate ones.

  25. 205
    Trini

    I have lots of pictures of females I messed with in the past, those are my trophies and whenever I feel like wanking I look at them.

  26. 206
    Penny

    Found this out of the same curiosity. My husband has photos, during sex who he dated. And I dug them up after finding just a few samples. I looked through emails, dates, and the list of ladies riding the carousel. Wish I hadn’t,I’d be such a nice, easy going woman instead of the stressed out bitch I’ve become. Because ignorance really is bliss. Especially when you can’t discuss much on an emotional level, keeping the conversation civil. It’s turned into hell. Gained so much weight, been kicked into walls, pushed to the floor. Gets better. I’m too embarrassed to speak to anybody. He wants every damn dime he’s ever spent on me. I’m keeping track in a book. I look like hell. In a nutshell, a couple years ago I didn’t look like hell, weighed a great deal less, and I was smiling and singing and had good old belly laughs. I can’t remember how it felt much anymore. I just know I feel like a broken, shell of a person. I don’t care if his photos and porn make him human. That’s horseshit for one thing. If he needs it, it’s not like I’m going to take it with me when I leave. Next time you meet an untrusting bitch, nag, whatever name you choose for a snoop like me, remember to be honest up front. The worst is the “can’t handle the truth horseshit” of course we can’t handle that kind of truth, that’s where honesty gives us the opportunity to at least choose whether or not we go any further in a relationship.

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