Both Men and Women Prefer Dating Younger

Both Men and Women Prefer Dating Younger

Add this to the annals of studies that confirm things we already know anecdotally.

A piece in Time Magazine cites numbers from the Are You Interested Facebook app that concludes that, among 35,942 users ages 30 to 49, a woman was five times more likely to show interest in a man who was five years her junior, rather than one who was five years older.

Men’s preferences are shaped not just by looks but by fertility, which is why many have 35 as a cutoff.

Similarly, among 26,434 men ages 30 to 49, 42% wouldn’t even consider a woman if she was older than him. However, if contacted by an older woman, men wouldn’t necessarily turn her down. The data shows that a man is only 22% less likely to respond to an older woman than a younger woman if she initiates contact.

This is the exact same observation I make in Finding the One Online. Namely, that if you look at a typical 40 year old man’s search preferences, it will generally read 27-35. And if you look at a typical 40 year old woman’s search preferences, it’ll generally read 35-45. However, men’s preferences are shaped not just by looks but by fertility, which is why many have 35 as a cutoff. And while women will write 35-45, they will almost always prefer a man her age or younger.

There are WAY too many exceptions to this for us to fight about, so please, let’s not. Let’s just agree that women, like men, prefer dating younger, that men are receptive to emails from all sorts of women, and that both genders are equally driven by youth and beauty. The difference is that women also care about money, career, education and height, which makes their dating pools shrink proportionately.

Read the full article here and share your comments below.

Join our conversation (318 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 211

    After reading the responses here.  I don’t see the message getting through to anyone.  People will do what works for them.  I am no better.  I see American women insisting that all older men are fat and out of shape and that women are better at keeping themselves in shape.  That’s not the reality I see every day.  I see far more out of shape 30 to 55 year old women than out of shape 30 to 55 year old men.  But then, this is a military town.  Many active duty and retired military like myself.  Even if we aren’t in peak condition, we tend to be in better shape than the women.
    And because younger men love to date, but usually not marry older women, that provides an easy escape from reality.  I see many American women stating stuff like Ges who has the attitude that a guy older than her is unappealing, and thinks all women think like her.  But they don’t, especially from other countries.
    Also this false notion that younger women only date older men for money…but then brags that 27 year old’s alter their profile to say 38 and of course it’s because he’s after true love…right?  It couldn’t be the bad economy and a young guy trading his youth for money?  Couldn’t be that he’s got student loans that need to be paid.  Couldn’t be that he is striking out with women his age, for some valid reason, and he finds older women easier to deal with.  It couldn’t be simply because older women treat him better…could it?  Oh it could?  Oh, well then I guess a younger woman might find older men appealing for the same reason, right?
    My preference, at 50, would be a women no younger than 38, but no older than 43.  Arbitrary numbers not set in stone.  And a good thing too since I was introduced to a former Brazilian model who is now 27, whose slightly younger first husband, also American was a complete ass and chauvinist pig, which is why she moved back to Brazil.
    I am also talking with a 37 year old Filipino Nurse living and working in Vancouver Canada.  She prefers guys 5 to 15 years older than herself, though she did step outside of that once when she met a man 5 years her junior and had a son with him, but he too did not treat her well after the first initial few years.  In her experience guys 5 to 15 years older treat her better.
    Both are Adventists, which I am also, which makes it hard to find a good mate, especially for men, and especially for older men.  And yet I find these two.  The nurse wants me to move to Canada, but I have 2 more years of schooling.  Have talked with her off and on for several months.  Just met and am getting to know the 27 year old Brazilian.  Funny thing is, I have more problem with her age than she does mine.  Both women have their own money.  They don’t need a man for his money.  Good thing since I am a student.  And yet they are still interested.
    I guess in the reality is that if you are a fisherman, and trying to catch a Bass, but only Perch are biting, you can have Perch for dinner, or move to an new location and hope you catch a Bass there.  The one option that seems the least likely is that the Bass will suddenly start biting in the first location.
    I think it’s funny in a way that I have the same problem that some women in this age range say they have.  Men in their preferred age range don’t show interest, but people above and below that age are interested.  I get older women interested but I’m not.  And, women younger than my preference are interested.

    1. 211.1

      I don’t have to many “numeric” preferences.  I couldn’t care less about height, I never looked at income on and I put a 20 year age span in my profile.  10 years plus or minus my age.  The biggest number that concerns me is mileage.  I don’t want a long distance relationship.  My limit on miles is 50, then I changed it to 35, because so many guys 100+ miles away were writing to me.  The guy I am seeing now lives 48 miles away, and even that is stretching things a bit, but I guess that’s just something to learn to live with, work out etc. 
      However, I think we are entitled to our preferences.  I don’t get the height thing at all, but if a woman want a man to be taller than her, she is entitled to that preference, and I don’t understand the vitriol directed at women for that preference. I think its a big exaggeration that ALL women want tall men.  I have stated many times that I don’t care about height, and I have been called a liar on this board for it.  I have also been told that I am holding out for a gorgeous, rich, athlete, and I NEVER said anything REMOTELY resembling that, but  for some men, their narrative is that EVERY woman wants a 6 foot tall athlete, and that’s their story and their sticking to it.   Then they give some anectdotal story about how this girl said this thing to that guy and blah, blah, blah, and there you have it, proof that EVERY American woman is like this.
      Same with age, if a man wants a younger woman and that’s his preference, he’s certainly should be badgered for his preference either.  However, it’s very rude to go on an insulting rant that older women are useless and worthless.  Just say that’s your preference.  Your younger woman will eventually become older.  Not older than you, but older none the less.  These men who say women are worthless after a certain age, how long do they think they can keep trading in for a newer model ?
      Both people might have a harder time if they are going to be pulling out measuring tapes and check birth certificates instead of looking at the PERSON, but they are still entitled to that preference.

      1. 211.1.1

        I don’t buy into older women having no value.  I don’t buy into the notion that a 20 year old always has ore value than a 30 year old and a 30 year old has more value than a 40 year old.  For me, at 50, a 40 year old has more value than a 20 year old.
        I stated in another post that while I am always attracted to younger women, the age range i prefer stays the same in relation to my age.  At 37 I would be attracted to women up to about 10 years younger, so 27.  At 45 it would be down to about 35.  Ages not set in stone.  But a woman who has the most value to me is younger, and yet not drastically different in age, in my opinion.

      2. 211.1.2

        Good post Sparkling Emerald  #211

        Rusty LH   All the best with your Brazillian model and your long distance contact in Canada . Im glad your preference is working out well for you

        Im always amused guys who post on Evans site, which is designed to uplift women in the dating area, who taut the benefits of younger foreign women.

        Im foreign but Im not originally from an economically depressed country. 

  2. 212

    Most of the comments in this thread deal with the experiences of, and women’s perceptions of, men who want to date younger women. I’m running into a different issue with my online dating experience. I am a DWM, 54, in Los Angeles, interested in dating women my own age. My posted range is 48-55, but what I’m finding is that >80% of the women in this range are looking for men up to 10 years younger. They’re not interested in a contemporary. This seems like a recent thing – and I wonder what’s behind it.

    1. 212.1
      Peter 51

      Nick, They are looking for sex. Toyboy is not that old  a term either even though its already dated.

    2. 212.2

      I really don’t get that either.  I wonder if it’s just a PC thing (I hate that term BTW), of women thinking “Well if men can get younger mates, so can I”.  Thing is, in a couple, only ONE person in the pair can be younger.
      At my age, (59) I don’t think a 5 year gap in either direction is a big deal.  Before my OLD subscription ran out, I put 10 years plus or minus my age, as my preferred age. Even THAT wasn’t set in stone.  If I met a guy 11 years older than me, and we were a good match,  I would give it a shot, but the very few men that I did meet that were more than 10 years older than me, were very old ACTING.  Moved slow, talked slow, low energy levels. 
      In my younger days, I always gravitated towards older, and generally refused to date younger until I got in my upper 20’s, but then only by a year or two, and my second husband was about 2 years younger than me.  Didn’t seem like an age gap at all, at 32 and 30.  He left home at 17, I at 18, we both had been on our own a long time and were very independent, so with our similarity of life experiences, we were essentially the same age. 
      When I was doing OLD, I got a couple of hits from college age kids.  Ewwwww.  I don’t get the cougar thing at all.  (And since I ignored these kids and never met them, they could have all been fakes, or they could have just been pranking around with their college buds, or whatever) 
      However, to each their own.  People are entitled to their preferences.  People are entitled to pursue their preferences.  If they get that sweet, youngster, well then good on them.   If they could just pursue their sweet young thing without coming here and saying derogatory comments about worthless old hags/disgusting ole men that would even be better.

    3. 212.3
      Karmic Equation

      Women are just as visual as men. Most just won’t cop to that. I will since status, money, degrees are NOT what attracts me 🙂
      I’ve dated younger than me since I divorced 8 years ago. One man was 6 yrs younger (for 6 yrs), another was 13 yrs younger (for about a year); currently just broke it off with someone 17 yrs younger (about 10 months). My dating profile however lists men 40-55. I’m 47. Men as young as 20 contact me. Most of those cubs are not unattractive and think middle-aged women are easy scores [rolls eyes]. I delete those messages. But it was really tough saying no to a 21 yo who was betting looking than most movie stars and a 26-yo who looked like Channing Tatum. But I said no nonetheless. lmao
      I’m more active than men my age and look a lot younger than my age…and since I’m not attracted to status, which is what most men my age have, but rather to looks, I have a tough time finding men my age attractive. The few that I DO find attractive, e.g., who look great for their age, are off dating real 30-somethings not a 40-something woman who looks 30-something 🙂
      That’s just a long way of saying, do you look good for your age? In LA, I think many women do the P.S. (plastic surgery) thing. So they’re looking for younger men BECAUSE that’s the reason they got P.S. in the first place.
      If you want to date your peers, and you’re average looking, you might want to expand your geographic area for dating. I had one date with a man (I live on the East coast) whose last relationship was with a woman in Santa Barbara. He was alright looking for 50. But he did the photoshop thing or used predominantly old pics of himself in his profile. 3/4 of his pix were very attractive. One not so much. I wrote that off to it being at an unflattering angle. When I met him, the unflattering angle shot was what he truly looked like. [sigh] I tried.
      By all means shop your pictures. But you should add current pix of yourself. And if you don’t like the current pics of yourself. Hit the gym or do P.S. Online dating is a photo-first impression, so you have to play the game as it was designed.
      And FTR, while I’ve started writing P.S. as an option for both men and women, I’ve never done it myself. I just have good genes 🙂 In my youth my oily skin made me acne-prone, but that same oily skin is keeping my face unlined now. I have contemplated lipo, but haven’t pulled the trigger on that 🙂

      1. 212.3.1

        I look at things from a different perspective. It amazes me the number of women who will admit that they don’t find older men attractive, or even men their own age attractive. To me, you seem to be like spoiled kids whose parents allowed them to eat sweets instead of healthy food. Now you are hooked on the sweets and don’t realize the damage that awaits your future.

        First let’s get back to the fact that you don’t find your peers attractive. I have news for you, men are no different. If you think younger guys don’t prefer beautiful women their own age or younger, you are nuts. What they find attractive in older women is the fact that you are easier than their peers. You may not think you are easy but he looks at it from the perspective of how much harder it is to get a girl his age in bed. They hold the power in a relationship with you because they know you want them. They know the score. They know their youth holds value. They expect you to be far more generous with your money, and most older women are compared to the younger girls. They also know that your beauty has an expiration date.

        So what the future holds for most of my sisters who choose to be Cougars is a life of loneliness once you can no longer hold off father time. When your beauty fades, so too will any interest by the younger guys. They know this so they have little desire to marry you. Those that will marry you aren’t upper crust in their age brackets. They are desperate because girls their own age are going after the upper crust guys, or older guys.

        so what is going to happen is you will get to a point where guys younger than you won’t be interested at all, and the better guys in your peer group will be taken. Then you will be one of those invisible 50s women. That’s not far off.

        So to the Cougars, I say Haenguneul bileoyo!

        I prefer guys I know genuinely look at me and love what they see. I love to be around guys who truly want to be around me, and don’t just see me as an easy lay, or less work than a girl their own age. I don’t want the rejects from an age bracket, I want the upper crust, and like it or not, when you go younger, you are getting the guys who struck out with women their age, or are too lazy to put in the work to win the girls their age, or lack the confidence to get girls their age. You can deny it all you want but it is true.

        1. kathleen dennis

          So it sounds like you have no experience at all dating younger. Im curious how old you are . How did you arrive at such opinionated broad generalizations of doom?
          I treat anyone I date whether younger or the same age as me as an individual.  Individuals have different motivators and different reason to be attracted to another.
          Ive heard many men say its so easy to get laid by women these day. To make the claim that a guy is only with an older woman to get an easier lay is absurd, and insulting to women .

    4. 212.4
      kathleen dennis

      Nick Im curious what website you are talking about.
      I noticed that on Match my age peers of women in LA CA are in fact looking for their own age and younger more so now than before

      I think whats behind it is the rise in womens economic power. Women dont have to be with a rich older dude as they may have had to in past decades. Also as a woman of 55 I attract younger men who are definitive they dont want children and dont want a woman with children . Women who are strong successful and attractive can choose a younger guy  just like guys used to. As I mentioned previously Helen Fisher PHD Anthropologist and Author expects this pairing of younger men older women to increase.  
      Some women may be looking just for sex but I think thats probably the minority. 

      1. 212.4.1

        Kathleen:  My experience on OKC is that 90% of Women in their 50s or older express a greater interest in Men younger than in Men older. For example:  a 55 year old Woman interested in Men 45 to 57.  

        1. kathleen

          Sounds right Malcolm. On OKC I get buried in messages from 20 somethings everyday .  Most all the messages I get are from younger men on that site.

          On very few men have an interest in women over 50 ( unless they are 80) and this seems specific to Match so I don’t use that site anymore 

        2. JennLee

          I don’t think the pairings will increase that much. Men who have a lot going for them are still going to choose younger women, or at most, a woman the same age.

      2. 212.4.2

        Jenn Lee 

        Of course exceptional men (or women for that matter) can have their choice of whomever they want. My understanding is that anthropologist Helen Fisher expected pairings of older women younger men overall were likely to increase.

        Im sure George Clooney was excluded from that expectation  

        1. JennLee

          My understanding is that anthropologist Helen Fisher left herself a lot of wiggle room in that statement. What kind of pairings was she talking about? What has increased drastically is younger men dating older women for short term, while she thinks it has a chance of going long term.

          When it comes to marriage, things are somewhat static.

          Most men I know prefer women their age and younger. As you note, many women now prefer men their age or younger. That does not equal drastically higher marriage pairings of older women with younger men. What is more likely is many more people married to somebody very close in age.

          What is also happening is that many men are forgoing marriage. As one of my friends put it, he’s not in a hurry to get married. If what he is looking for comes along, he will get married. if it never comes along, he won’t get married. He doesn’t feel the need to get married just to get married. He does enter into short term relationships with older women, but he says that is not what he wants long term, so it ends when the woman pushes for something more permanent. Men are very comfortable having short term relationships with women who aren’t what they want long term. It’s something I’ve never understood about men. I’m not comfortable sleeping with a man I don’t see a possible future with.

    5. 212.5

      Younger men are hotter, fitter and women can easily have sexual relations with younger attractive men.

  3. 213
    Miriam Tier

    I am a 63 year old widow, in Australia.  I am currently (for the past 5months) dating a man 14 years younger.  This was a surprise to me, but it is wonderful….I am not afraid that he will die suddenly, and sexually things could not be better.  

    The he only downside is wondering what the future holds….. 

    1. 213.1
      Karmic Equation

      Enjoy the present, Miriam. Don’t ruin it worry of the future. The future will take care of itself 🙂

    2. 213.2

      Enjoy Miriam !!! Im happy for you!  Enjoy the present because none of us know what the future may hold. There are no guarantees.  


  4. 214
    Karmic Equation

    @JennLee #212.3.1
    “I don’t want the rejects from an age bracket, …”

    Perhaps for some women that is the case, but it’s not so with me. My bf who was 13 years younger? He has women handing him their number unsolicited (He told me about this after the fact–I even knew one of the women!) In his 20’s he kept soft harems. Before we became an item, on a Friday I saw him easily pick up a woman (and presumably went back to her place on a first date as I saw them leave together) and knowing him, I sincerely doubt they were having tea in her kitchen. Two nights later, I saw another girl come in, they chatted, an hour or so later they both disappeared. The guy who’s 17 years my junior owns his own business, extraordinarily handsome and gregarious. He’s way above his peers in success, ambition, and looks. He’s obnoxiously intelligent to boot. Both far from the rejects/dregs/castoffs from their age peers whom you think hit on older women. 
    You are correct in that many young men who hit on older women ARE the castoffs. I get plenty of messages from those in my inbox. Delete.

    “…I want the upper crust, and like it or not, when you go younger, you are getting the guys who struck out with women their age, or are too lazy to put in the work to win the girls their age, or lack the confidence to get girls their age.”

    And here is where we disagree. You believe because you want your peer or older that you’re getting the “upper crust”. I say that when I date someone my age or older, that’s shooting fish in a barrel for an attractive woman. If I wanted a bf tomorrow, all I have to do is find a 55 yo whose looks I can tolerate, who will treat me well. And most WILL treat me well because I’m the prize for THEM. They’re lucky that someone as young as I am (compared to them) and as attractive, secure, and drama-free as myself is interested in them.
    “They [young men] are desperate because girls their own age are going after the upper crust guys, or older guys.” 
    Change the gender in the sentence and you’ll understand better what I believe is happening when women date older, if they’re truly not “attracted” to older.
    “[Older women] are desperate because [men] their own age are going after upper crust [women] or [younger women]”… and that’s why older women will date much older men…imho, of course.
    “I have news for you, men are no different. If you think younger guys don’t prefer beautiful women their own age or younger, you are nuts.”
    I’m not nuts. I go into these relationships with eyes wide open. I’ve already put an expiration date on them before I start. That is the ONLY way to have any kind of relationship when the woman is older than the guy. I’ve seen some blogs from Evan about older women having children with younger men (38yo with a 23yo); older women dating younger men (35yo and 20-something) wanted exclusivity. Those women are nuts. When she’s hitting her geriatric years, he’s coming on middle-age. When we might need a man the most, he’s off having his own mid-life crisis. Can we say horror-show?
    That said, short-term, fun relationships with younger men, are just what they are…FUN. Yes, feelings grow, but if a woman is smart, she’ll love but not fall in-love with the guy. That’s when tragedy strikes. And knock on wood, while breaking up was hard to do, the end of my last three relationships did not cause any undue devastation. Pain yes. Devastation no. The fun was worth it.
    As a smart, strong, successful woman, there is very little ANY man can provide to me that I cannot provide myself. I own my own home. I have a great 6-figure career. I enjoy going stag to parties, dinner out, to the movies, company events, etc. I live a contented life where I want for nothing. 
    There are two things which I cannot provide myself: sex and relationships. I do need men for those 🙂
    Most women compromise on looks to get the committed relationship she wants, and she “grants” sex to the lucky guy.
    I compromise on “committed” relationships to get looks so that sex is not something I “grant”, but something I enjoy (and look forward to) doing. When the sex life is satisfying, a lot of relationship issues seem easier to work out. And when you don’t want to work out the issues, ending a relationship with a younger guy makes sense. Very convenient, I must say.
    I don’t feel that “being in a relationship” defines me as a woman. Having already been married, I don’t feel any pressure to marry. A man has no “relationship-power” over you if you don’t need a relationship with him. Therefore, a man who’s looking for a relationship does not automatically make him “upper crust” or morally superior than a man who isn’t. 
    If you look at those “older” men the way I do, it’s not very flattering, I must admit. Some men MUST offer relationships to get any sex. Because if they didn’t get relationship sex, they wouldn’t be getting any sex at all. Unfortunately for the “average” looking guy who is “older” than I am, that’s how I perceive his need for relationship. It’s his one and only way to get regular sex from a quality woman. And since men can’t impress/buy me with his “money”, “status”, or “success” the only things that attract me to men are good looks and confidence. And unfortunately, the men my age or older I’ve been dating are either not as good looking as their pix or not as confident as I need them to be to jump start my attraction.


    1. 214.1

      Karmic, you and I define upper crust differently. A guy who kept soft harems is not upper crust. He’s a player. Looks is only one factor in determining if a man is upper crust. A man can be less good looking and make less money than your 13 years younger boyfriend, and be more upper crust, in my opinion.

      1. 214.1.1

        He would be uppse crust as far as ‘commitment” is concerned. Not for passionate flings like Karmac enjoys.

  5. 215

    In that book the case for settling for mr. Good enough,the author set about explaining why when men and women too like dating younger. She explained it as in when a long time married couple is together they still sorta see eachother as when they were younger and got together. When people are single and 40 plus they are wanting to feel the rush of attraction like when they were younger so they tend to gravitate twords younger people who do that for them. Also I think long time bachelors are notoriously picky and are allways sabotaging themselves. Like if they lucked out and found a 25 year old who would have them theyd say it didnt work becauss she was too immature and partied too much. Well duh. Also an issue when guys get a certain age and want kids it kinda perverts the whole process of finding someone. Instead of naturally falling in love with someone and it leading to a family it starts with a man looking at a woman’s age and fertility and then trying to force himself to love her while mainly focusing on hee breeding abilities instead of whats in the heart. While it works out for some others cant pull it off because its a backwards process.

  6. 216

    I think the thing with the long time older bachelor suddenly deciding he wants a family is instead of falling in love with someoneand it leading to family they have to find a woman of an age to easily give them a child and who wants them too and then he has to force himself into loving her. In oot herwards the main thing is to find a good breeder first and foremost. While this falls into place for some for others it doesn’t because it kinda perverts the whole process and its so much easier when people are younger and your peers are pretty much all fertile. As for preferences in people men and women liking younger I think that tends to happen because when people are single they haven’t known that persen when they were younger and they’re having to face their own age. If they had been married many years and known the person younger they might not notice the changes. When I was 20 though I was never attracted to middleaged men but I guess some are. I dont care what people do and it is what it is. 

  7. 217

    So true! When someone is 40 they just came out of their thirties and often still look like a thirtysomething. But when people get in later forties they look more mature and closing in on fifty . And even though some people age well and dont look their age the actual number I think starts to creep the younger people out.

    1. 217.1

      Our culture, which is obsessed with youth and beauty, might some day again realize that character and wisdom are more useful qualities. But I won’t hold my breath. 😏

  8. 218

    The other day I was just joking to my mother that at 51, she’ll have better success than me at online dating than me (27 yrs). 

    1. 218.1

      Funny thing is this might well be true !

      Its ridiculous isn’t it how easy women have it in online dating, if you come to think of it.
      How many 50 yr old men can find partners more easily than their 25 yr old daughters? Perhaps not many in the whole world. But its amazing that most 50 yr old women could find partners more easily than their 20 something sons in the prime of their youth ! Amazing contrast. 

      1. 218.1.1

        What those older women can get more easily than men is sex. A committed relationship is quite another story.

        1. kathleen

          Starthrower… So you put down all older women on a website when Evan is always encouraging of all women ? How old are you? Why do you have a need to disparage 
          older women?   

        2. JenB

          I can only imagine the horrors of easily getting sex with good looking younger men.

          Speak for yourself.

        3. starthrower68

          I don’t care who is having sex with good looking younger men as long as it’s not me, as I don’t plan to have sex with a man I’m not married to and at this point I don’t see that in my future.  Give me your numbers and if any hot younger guy hits on me, I will be happy to refer him to any of you ladies who want one.  

  9. 219

    Evidently you have not seen the comments of many men who visit this site.  I don’t make these rules.

    1. 219.1


      Why would I be impacted by the comments of men who don’t date older women, when i can just ask the younger guys Im involved with? 
      These guys are articulate bright and successful.  


      1. 219.1.1

        Why? Do you not have wisdom that a younger woman has not yet gained? Have you not learned things that younger people have not had the opportunity to learn yet? What you seem to miss is that many of the older guys were once those younger guys, and they know how they think, the lies they tell. the games they play. It’s why we are here on this blog. Evan is a 40+ guy who knows how men think, and yes, even younger men. He was one, once.

        Could you not be a good counselor to an older man who is being played by a younger woman? Oh make no mistake, those younger women are articulate, bright and successful, too. And they can mess with a guy’s mind. Are you saying that you would not have some wisdom to pass along to that older guy? I know I would.

        If you want to DATE younger guys, have fun, but don’t be surprised when at some point you can’t fight father time anymore, and all you have is a string of past lovers who wouldn’t marry you. The younger guys I know are honest with me because they know I don’t date younger guys. They admit that they are always aware of the woman’s age an the fact that her beauty has a shelf life. It will expire, and they are aware that an older woman’s beauty will expire before he is ready for it to do so. Also, others admit that older women are better because they don’t push for marriage, and that is gold to some of these guys because they don’t want to get married anytime soon, if ever.

        1. kathleen

          Jenn Lee   Its hard to grasp what you have written but I do get that you are warning older women that younger guys won’t marry them. Thank you for the warning 

          I was married for decades. I don’t want to be married again . I understand what commitment is . Ive found men of all ages to be pretty honest with me when you ask clarifying questions

          The younger men that Ive dated have told me that the women they date aren’t looking for a commitment from them. They don’t want more children and they aren’t looking to get married. Their lives are pretty vibrant.

          No older guys have asked my advice on dating so I certainly wouldn’t push my belief on them. 

          I think women like me include younger men to have more to choose from and its interesting that some women find that threatening in some way so that they put down those women.


        2. JennLee

          Threatening? Hardly. Putting down other women because they choose to date younger men? Hardly. Grow a thicker skin Kathleen. I simply have my opinion and my opinion is reflected by reality.\. The vast majority of younger men don’t want to marry older women. Most don’t even want to marry a woman a single year older. And, news flash Kathleen, this site is about finding long term relationships, preferably those that result in marriage. So what does being a pin cushion for younger men have to do with the subject?

          Like I said, a woman looking for marriage is better off not dating younger men. I have no problem with simply being open to it, but then, it is easy to get hooked on candy and then when the real meat and potatoes comes along, woman might not be open to it. Plus, the guy her age or a bit older might assume she is just a cougar and not serious enough about relationships for him to bother with. Like it or not Kathleen, there are consequences for our decisions. Enjoy your “not serious” guys. Some of us will stick with guys who actually want more from us than easy sex, and money.

      2. 219.1.2

        I have younger men “hitting” on me online, and I am not the least bit flattered & I usually just delete.
        I think it’s just a case of them “cougar hunting” because “we don’t tell, we don’t swell, and we’re grateful as hell”.
        I was communicating with a man 13 years my Jr.  (I try to stay withing 10 years either way).  He listed his smoking status as “trying to quit”, but due to the AYI website being difficult to navigate on my computer, we were already corresponding before I realized that.  Well, he told me he was on the patch and would really like to meet me, so I said we could see about that after he was on the patch for a month.
        As we were corresponding he asked me how I felt about him being a “younger man” and how my friends would feel about it.  I told him I don’t care what my friends would think and that I was alright with his age.  (it was a tad on the young side, but he listed that he didn’t want children, so I thought I would take a chance) 
        Then he wrote back that he LIKED older women because they were less drama and better in bed. 
        I didn’t write back to him after that.  It confirmed my suspicion’s that in most cases younger guys chase older women just to check off another item on their sexual bucket list.  NO THANK YOU !

        1. JennLee

          less drama is code for she will put up with BS that a younger woman doesn’t have to put up with and usually does not put up with.

          better in bed is code for easier to get into bed.

        2. EmeraldDust

          JennLee –
              You’ve hit the nail on the head.  Funny thing is, I guess younger men assume that older women are so lonely and horny that we will hop in the sack with any man who tips his hat our way, and be grateful for whatever crumbs he deems us worthy of being tossed our way.
              However, since I’ve gone off my BHRT (bio-identical hormone replacement therapy) my libido has been tamed down to a very dull roar.  It’s not that I couldn’t enjoy physical intimacy with a man, but it’s just that I am not frantically in need of it like in my younger days, when my hormones were raging, and there were eggs inside of me, screaming to become babies. 
             So yeah, if I  met a man, and felt a strong emotional bond with him, he seemed to be emotionally connected with me and expressed a desire for an exclusive relationship with me, we seemed to be compatible, I would be very open to and would enjoy physical intimacy with him.  But these young dudes who think I’m going to rip off my clothes and ravage them because I’ve “hit the wall” or whatever – – – Pfffffffffttttttt.

        3. Gabri'el

          You lost me here Emerald, how did his comment confirm what you expected? What did you expect? And what’s your opinion of older women who contact younger men… because I get that all the time

        4. SparklingEmerald

          Gabriel asked “You lost me here Emerald, how did his comment confirm what you expected? What did you expect? And what’s your opinion of older women who contact younger men… because I get that all the time”


          Hi Gabriel – Well I said his comment confirmed what I “SUSPECTED”.  Anyway, my suspicians were just about younger men in general, not about him in particular.  He was 13 years younger a tad outside of my typical 10 year either way range (and my TRUE preference is up to 10 years older and no more than 5 years younger) but I listed 10 years in either direction on my profile in order to cast a wider net.  The e-mail exchange seemed to be going well, I was more focused on his smoking as I had been writing to him for a while before I realized he was “trying to  quit”, so we delayed meeting until he could see how it went with his patch program.

          Anyway, when he made the “good in bed” comment, that confirmed what I suspected about younger men in general contacting older women, so I dropped all communications with him. Not that I have anything against sharing a bed with someone with whom I am in a committed loving relationship with, but I certainly don’t want to meet with someone who ONLY considers me as “low hanging fruit”.

          As for older women who contact younger men, I really don’t know since I don’t do that.  In fact, I didn’t contact men online, of any age,  I chose from the ones who contacted me, so I can’t speak for women who contact younger men.

          Since older women contact you all the time, how do you feel about that ?  Do you respond ?  Do you meet them face to face ?  Would you consider an older woman for a serious relationship or just a roll in the hay ?  What age group of women do you contact on line.

          Anyway, this is all just curiosity for me.  I’m  happily out of the game now and with an age appropriate man (8 years older than me)

        5. Gabri'el

          Hi Sparkle I am glad that you have found someone, and WOW! This is an old post, I forgot all about this question. Too bad Kathleen wasn’t around at the time or I would have asked her about why older women contact younger guys. Because honestly, I feel like it is the reverse situation… At least for me. I feel they are contacting me just for sex (which I know should be a great thing for a guy, but I was raised in a really religious environment, so I still struggle with if I should continue to wait until marriage before having sex), I asked you because when I ask my friends about this they always just say I am crazy for turning it down, God or not (it took them a long time not to believe I was gay for always refusing sex with hot girls as early as high school) lol.


          Anyway, I am currently living in Europe, so it may be more a European thing than an American thing. If Kathleen does respond I am curious about the age gap between her and her younger men; because if a 40 year old man contacts a 55 year old women, I can understand that, with them age is just a number, both are mature, but I am in my early 20s, and the older women who mostly contact me are always between 45-50. Even if she is super hot for her age (which I would say about 80% of the older women who contact me are) I always feel so intimidated, most of these women are very high up in the corporate world making over 600,000 Euros/dollars a year, and I am just a kid whose parents are paying for him to be a exchange student in Europe.


          I have no issue with age personally, but I don’t contact anyone over my age online, there are many attractive older women, but as JenLee said, I wouldn’t marry any of them, and if we were in the states… I would not “openly” date any of them because no matter how hot she is, I would be too embarrassed to be seen out in public kissing someone who looks like they could be my mother.


          Anyway, to answer your questions, I usually don’t reply, because when I did, they would try to convince me to at least meet them. The few times I did, the women would pick me up driving a Rolls Royce, a Ferrari, or some other ridiculously expensive car, then she would choose some really expensive restaurant (I mean like 100 euros a plate),  they would tell me about all these places they have traveled, all the things they have done, while I was eating raman that week until my parents sent me more money. I use to model so I am use to women of all ages being attracted to me, but back in the states most older women never acted upon it if she was over 30 unlike here in Europe, and they surely were no where near as wealthy. I guess it’s just too intimating. One offered to take me on a European cruise (she wanted to pay for everything), but I always felt like I was a nice purse of something for her to show off every time she introduced me to her friends.


          Anyway… The only older woman I would marry is Karmic Equation, then she would probably divorce me a week later because we would have a fight about how I’m washing dishes wrong! (^_^)

        6. Kathleen


          You asked me why older women contact younger guys… Most all women who date younger guys are approached by the younger guys. I never initiate contact with younger guys. Men in general come after me.

          I can understand if you are intimidated by older women just as I was with older men when I was young . The guys who approach me are confident and smart . Overall they seem mature for their age. I had a relationship with a guy for 5 years who was 13 years younger. Ive had one relationship recently with a guy who was 28 for a couple of years  He actually knew me better than most other men .  I don’t want to be married again so Im jus open minded  based on the individual.

          Again Im open to men my age The 2 men my age I was interested in weren’t open to a relationship so I cut things off with them.

          If older successful women are aggressively pursuing you I would presume they have a great deal of masculine energy, which is fine, but its similar to older men pursuing young girls







      3. 219.1.3

        I am not really emotionally involved in who can or can’t get younger men.

  10. 220

    I also did not disparage older women.  I am one.  If I had said that older women were useless and should be put out to pasture, you might have a point.  But again, there are a lot more comments on this blog bemoaning that men are seeking younger women than the reverse.  I may not like it (which is irrelevant), but it is what it is.  I didn’t say older women never get a committed relationship, but I’ve seen enough comments to lead me to believe it ain’t that easy. I get it though. It’s a hot button issue. People get riled up and think there’s is insult where there is none.

  11. 221
    Peter 51

    My first wife was 5 years older than me. Parting after 28 years had nothing to do with age difference. (Childrearing). My second is 34 years younger. That doesn’t have much to do with age difference either. As time goes on, the difference between those who avoid temptation and those who fall grows. The pool shrinks and one tends to be choosier. (I was never a person for one night stands, so quality mattered). Single women over 50 aren”t very interested in marriage anyway. In the past some  Orthodox Churches wouldn’t marry women over 60 as they couldn’t bear children. There’s no record of serious revolt. Perhaps there were enough toy boys? FWIW in NW Europe from about 2200 to 1800 the average age of marriage for men was 28-39, about where it is now. For women it was 21 to a 30 year old in hard times to 25 plus to a 28 year old easier times. Women preferred established men. Illegitimacy rates were very low so promiscuous One Night Stands were not the order of the day. Celibacy was in. On the other hand, there is the term, The Merry Widow. There were many widows who inherited their husbsns’ property and sometimes trade. Perhaps they kept toy boys? Chaucer’s Wife of Bath, a widow, was pretty racy.

    1. 221.1

      Peter 51  .. Good for you for finding quality mates regardless of age. Like you Ive found that age hasn’t been as big a factor as say attachment style is . Lucky for you there isn’t a stigma or derogatory words thrown at men who are with someone younger.
       I agree that many women in their 50s may not want marriage. I broke up with a BF who was 10 years younger because he was rushing me about marriage.
      Interesting history lesson. A change in economic times is having an impact it seems.   

      1. 221.1.1

        Yes Kathleen, economic times have changed.  I know some guys I’ve met who even admit that they want to marry well established older women for their money, assuming that this is better than shacking up for a few years because this way, he doesn’t leave empty handed.  This is going to be much more likely with a younger man than a man her age or older.  Their goals for marriage are likely to be much different.  The same of course can be argued when the man is much older than the woman.  Is she marrying for love or wealth/stability?  Most older women are quick to tell you that is 99% likely that it is the latter.


        Think Prenup, and insist on it.  Protect yourselves, and I would advise men who are marrying women to do the same if he is the one with the assets.  If the other person is in it for love, a prenup should be no problem.

        1. Henriette

          Wooaah, @Rusty!  Guess what…?  We agree!  Pre-nups for everyone, male or female.

          Not only do pre-nups help (alas, not fool-proof, but useful nonetheless) protect assets, but they force couples to have those tough conversations about married finances before they say “I do.”  A woman can easily nod and say, “of course I’d never try to take half your hard-earned money if we were to divorce” but you might see a different response when you ask her to make that legally binding.  A man might smile and say, “sure, if you stay home and raise the kids, I consider that a Real Job and if we were to split, I’d make sure you were compensated in a way that reflected that.”  But request that he sign to a dollar amount and he might sign another tune.

          See, @Rusty?  We share lots of common ground 🙂

    2. 221.2
      Peter 51

      Kathleen. Thanks. However, there was a type. 34 should be 24. Sorry about the history lesson. i immediately take the helicopter view on most things. It is NOT an advantage.

  12. 222
    just wow

    These posts make online dating look REALLY unappealing. “I want A,B,C,and D and I’ll drop B but he/she must have E and F but he/she has to be this age and make this amount of money has to be a 9, 10, etc, etc” Little talk about what I bring to the table and even less about any traits that actually sustain a long term relationship while claiming that I actually want one. If this is the reality of online dating thanks but no thanks!

  13. 223

    Today I read that Madonna and Sean Penn are thought to be sleeping together, almost 30 years after divorcing.  However, this rumour was summarily dismissed because it’s well-known that she prefers younger men and he prefers younger women.

    I understand that this is only celebrity gossip but I found it hilarious that two people who were once married are now each “too old” for the other.  What kind of world have we created!?

    1. 223.1

      Yes its ironic but this seems the norm in my age group. I get messages everyday from guys my age or older who list their criteria range limit younger than me. When I say Im not in their age range they say Im “hot” so they just seem delusional. Yesterday I got a message from a 71 year old who I was too old for LOL .  The worse site for this is Match.

      With these ageist men, I think its a reflection of their own fear of aging because most look in bad shape and seem unremarkable

      At least I don’t have to put up with this from younger guys 🙂

    2. 223.2

      That really is hilarious! Actually I think those two shouldn’t reunite because they didn’t seem good together when they were married–nothing to do with age!


  14. 224
    Karmic Equation


    “Anyway… The only older woman I would marry is Karmic Equation, then she would probably divorce me a week later because we would have a fight about how I’m washing dishes wrong! (^_^)”

    Hmmm….Let me see if I can summarize properly:

    1) You are model handsome

    2) You’re in med school

    3) You’re sensitive as well as thoughtful (as evidenced by your posts)

    4) You do dishes

    5) You’d marry me

    Where do I sign???

    <3 <3 <3

  15. 225

    To Karmic Equation,

    You just looking at income is sad and pathetic. Are you lazy? Do you not want to work? Why should a guy make a lot of $ for you. Do you make a lot of $? Make something of yourself and make your own $. And yes that’s shallow. The only thing I can see I like about you is you are under 5ft which for me is very sexy.

  16. 226

    What!!!! Hell no! 100 1000 times NO for me. I will never date younger guys never. I prefer older guys( maximum 9-10, minimum 2-3).

    I strongly dislike relationships in which women are older. I don’t understand those women. Some even are the age of mother to their bf(40-20). It is really stupid. You are too much older. You should know the right thing to do& what to avoid. You are more mature. Put love aside! Use your brain! ‘I don’t care what other talk about us. I love you.’ this is what teens do. Not over 40!

    Do you think he will always be loyal to you? Most men are not. Even the same age or even they have younger gf, they will likely to taste the new dishes. So if you are too much older than him, think about it.

    For your sake…..

    I respect all.

    1. 226.1
      Karl R


      If you prefer older guys, that’s fine.  Most of them prefer younger women.

      If you don’t want to date younger men, then you don’t have to.  It might make finding a good partner a little harder for you, but probably not.

      If you dislike (other people’s) relationships in which women are older, that’s your problem.  In general, those couples are not seeking your approval.

      According to the best data that I’ve found, 21% of men and 16% of women cheat on their spouse.  Therefore, most men are loyal.  I can find no evidence that husbands who are younger than their wives are any more likely to cheat than husbands who are older than their wives.

      I’m curious about your assertion about marrying an older man being “the right thing to do.”  I am not aware of a single world religion that prohibits younger men from marrying older women.  Can you tell me which religion prohibits it?  Or are we just supposed to take your word for it?

    2. 226.2

      Wow, woman. For only dating the “mature” ones you’re such a child.

      Perhaps that’s why you exclusively date such older men. Child looking for a daddy figure perhaps?

      My man is almost seven years younger than me and it’s the happiest, healthiest relationship I’ve ever had.

  17. 227

    I am 53. For most of the 22 years I’ve been divorced, I was raising a child and running a company.  Whether or not anyone I dated turned into a relationship that lasted more than a few months really didn’t matter to me. My daughter rarely met any of the men I dated, and I didn’t talk about them when she was around because I knew they were just passin’ through, even if they pleaded for more.  I don’t date younger men.  I prefer men my age or older – sometimes lots older, esp in my 30s when I was working through some father abandonment stuff.  (The oldest two back then were 31 and 28 years OLDER than I was.  There were benefits and drawbacks in each case.)

    Since my daughter graduated college, I’ve been looking for someone who pleases me and to whom I am desirable.  What a surprise to discover that while I wasn’t paying attention, I’ve become invisible! In the last decade, I went from being extremely successful, very fit, very pretty, very wealthy to being fairly average, for a long list of reasons (some of them my fault, some of them “acts of God” type stuff).  Sure, I can rest on some impressive laurels, but who cares?

    So after 5 solid years of trying to find someone I like well enough to keep, and who likes me in return, I’ve decided to…give up. Online dating has been fraught with all the issues dissected in these posts. It’s all true.  I’ve decided to take up weight lifting again, spend more time traveling, leave behind all online dating sites, smile at any attractive men I see, and just live my life.  I have an apparently unusually high sex drive, but I am loathe to invest that energy in whatever temporary partner I may scrounge up. It’s too much drama to disentangle their emotions or mine or both.

    If I find someone, OK. If I don’t, it will have to be OK.

    Part of being older is being wiser, one hopes.

    Wisdom seems to indicate that at this stage of the game, I should make it all about me now and if any interesting partner shows up, hurray!  And if not, well, them’s the breaks.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *