What Makes a Man Attractive to Women?

a handsome musician holding a guitar
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Let’s just say that if I could bottle and sell this, I’d be one rich dude.

All the men in the pick-up artist (PUA) community have tried to turn it into a science. Depending on whether you’re reading David DeAngelo, Neil Strauss’ The Game, or The Mystery Method, you’re going to hear various versions of the same themes. You have to be cocky. You have to have a sense of humor. You have to keep her off-balance by putting her down and showing her you’re in control. This blog post isn’t about arguing these points, although I think there’s definitely something to the first two.

But one thing I rarely hear from men who advise men is something I hear all the time from women.

Show me a man who is PASSIONATE and PROFICIENT at what he does.

Those are two separate ideas, so let’s not conflate them.

Passion is all about effort and energy and devotion. It’s about living, breathing, and embodying something. It’s about being so immersed in a subject that one can’t tell where it begins and you end.

A writer who comes home from his day job to squeeze in two hours of creative thought before meeting his girlfriend for dinner? Passionate.

A swimmer who wakes up at 5:30am every day to train for the Olympics? Passionate

Those weird kids that memorize the dictionary for the national spelling bee? Passionate

The flip side of the passion coin are people who are truly gifted but squander their gifts due to indifference, fear, or laziness. For example:

The musician who wants to be in a band, but refuses to answer ads to audition.

The entrepreneur who has an amazing business idea but won’t share his idea to begin developing it.

The woman who would love to be a party planner but won’t apprentice on the side to learn the craft.

Notice the word “but” in each sentence. “But” is merely an excuse that we believe is reasonable. When you remove the “but,” no excuse is reasonable. Unreasonable people are the one who move mountains.

Reasonable people can always find a reason to say “why not.” Such people don’t command respect.

Passionate people do.

Except in one instance. There’s a type of passionate person who, despite their love and drive, fails to inspire others around them. This is the passionate person who’s not very skilled.

Hate to say it, but just ‘cause you love doing something doesn’t mean you’re good at it…. Los Angeles is filled with actors, writers, and musicians who are passionate but not particularly gifted. I remember meeting a 40ish woman who still thought she was going to be the next Julia Roberts. I recall an incomprehensible short story that a friend was trying to submit to Playboy. Lack of talent is not a crime, but rarely is it attractive. Lots of quality individuals have dreams that exceed their talents.

So what we’re left with is this basic formula:

Passionate + Bad = Delusional and Sad

Dispassionate + Good = Boring and Disappointing

Passionate + Proficient = Sexy and Inspiring

Ask women (and I have) what is it about a rock star that really gets them? It’s that combination of passion and proficiency. It’s the confidence exuded by someone who gets up on stage and performs, knowing that he can successfully entertain a crowd. Rock stars and athletes are just the most visible entertainers we have. But look around at people you find attractive in day to day life.

The guy who plays guitar at campfires.

The woman who gets the crowd on its feet on karaoke night.

The guy who can rewire the TV to have stereo sound.

The woman who can whip up a Thanksgiving dinner to remember.

You can talk all you want about tall, rich, cocky guys with big egos and fast cars.

But people who love what they do and are good at it are always attractive to women.

Join our conversation (39 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 21
    Rachael

    Hmm.

    Having taken many dance classes with my husband, I have to say that there’s nothing sexier (and hence, to me, more masculine) than a man who can dance – and is willing to do so.

    In my opinion, of course. Your mileage may vary.

    (We tango. We also swing, waltz, foxtrot, cha cha, rhumba, and samba. And we’re both under 40….)

  2. 22
    JuJu

    Rachael and others,

    it’s a value judgment. Which is what the post I originally replied to also stated.

  3. 23
    Rob

    Nice post. It is so true. Ever since I followed my passion and purpose my success w women skyrocketed.

    You are pretty off the mark about one thing though. About 2 years ago I attended a seminar with some of the other instructors from Love Systems, The Mystery Method and RSD and there was an emphasis on following your passion and purpose.

    This is definitely not a new concept. In fact, it is a really old one and dating science has since gotten far more advanced.

  4. 24
    Anonymous

    I think women and men are the same. Everyone wants to live the ritz life, be the hero, and have fun. Why would you want anything else? Would you want a man who sleeps in the basement, gets fat, and mopes about how he was born poor so there’s “structural” discrimination against him, and this is why his fantasy writing career won’t take off? Hell no! Or if you’re a man, how would you like a woman who’s cute, rich, fun, vivacious, and funny? Of course that’s what everyone wants. It’s just basic business sense though, to get that good deal you have to have something to offer!

    Being cocky is just a way of saying that you have the “ritz” going on in your life. Having humor just means you’re fun. But they’re just ways of faking the real deal, and it’s best just to be what you want, and be your own hero, than fake it. I think Evan’s advise to be passionate and proficient about something is great advise for women and men, because maybe it’s not always easy to have the grand life, but that definitely puts you on the right road. In fact, I’m around a lot of rich girls, and that’s one of my major turnoffs about them, they’ve got the trust fund mentality going on, so you know their life will just slowly rot — many of them are proficient, but not passionate, so they’re just so boring!

  5. 25
    Anonymous

    Another way to say it is in the words of Terry Pratchett: “people need fantasy to be human.” This is why many women crush on rock stars, because it’s the fantasy life! The reality is that a lot of the world is really soul-crushingly ordinary, and no one wants that. I’ve noticed that men who have something to offer, and joke or flirt with girls, they just pick up girls like flies. And women, well, lots of shy pretty women no one notices, but the outgoing lady who has something to offer (looks, intelligence, or for most men, preferably both) always has a boyfriend if she wants. I read that about 50% of the U.S. population are introverts and of course being introverted is seen as undesirable in U.S. culture, so this probably explains why the dating experts encourage people to joke and be cocky, so they don’t just sit in the corner and look pretty and be lonely like many women and men do today.

  6. 26
    sharon

    Astute observation, right on target.   I’m happy it was applied to both men and women as well
    Also, what I’ve noticed in my life, is that “passionate + proficient” men LOVE “passionate + proficient” women!   It’s the quality I find unbelievably sexy and I’ve had men tell me is the #1 thing (aside from my smile :D) that attracts them to me. And the great thing about it is, you can’t “game” it – you can’t pretend to be proficient at something you’re just awful at.   You can’t talk your way out of something you just can not do.   What an equalizer.
    And if I’m honest, if I look back at the relationships that have failed and where I nose-dived it was in this area and this area alone.   My height never changed. My looks never changed. My hair never changed (okay, I did cut it. OMG! ;)) My personality, inherently, did not change. What changed was I started to lose either my passion, or get lazy doing the things I really loved – or a combination of both.   It’s terribly powerful to get this on a personal level because then it’s in my hands to take stock and move on, lesson learned.   I can’t control the other person, what they do, or what they say.   I’m clear I’m 190% responsible for myself and my happiness.
    So now, I’m in a committed, exciting, fun, REAL relationship with a man who has these two qualities down pat. I can’t say if we’ll end up getting married, have babies etc etc. I can say he’s a fantastic man who I love having in my life, around me, and inspiring me, and loving me and making me laugh! I love to get his love, all aspects of it.   In return, I give it back a hundred fold.   And this is a guy, who two years ago, I would not have really given the time of day because he didn’t fit my idea of what my type was.
    Who knew I could be so wrong about what I thought I needed? It took a blind date for me to get out of my own way. 🙂
    Stay passionate at what you love, and what you’re good at. And if you’re not “good” yet, get good.   Mastery is rare in this self-indulgent, instant-gratification climate. It’ll set you apart, in a good way. It certainly makes me stand up taller and enter a room confidently, not particularly caring who likes me and who doesn’t.   I’m clear of the effort I’ve put into my own life.
      

  7. 27
    josh

    Search for “How to be an attractive man” (A.Kisiel) on amazon.com
      
    Pretty good common sense advices and tips

  8. 28
    Pavlo

    @Meggie
    You mean you dumped him/ didn’t give him a chance because he had a great idea and passion to build his dream home?

    Come on, is that the real reason?

    If you couldn’t find a good reason to be with him at the time, either you didn’t deserve him or the two of you just weren’t meant for each other. Or perhaps you’re too fussy, or the the type of woman who has an impossible-to-meet ‘checklist’ for every guy she dates.

    Good thing you broke it off then and not after he’d built his dream home.

  9. 29
    Joshua

    This is truly the crux of a passionate man.

    I become absolutely absorbed in my works many times in college, and I have noticed that the higher absorption I delve into, the more of an audience of women I receive. There is something inherently sexy in a man with a brow of sweat laboring tirelessly over something.

    To give an example:
    I was sitting with a female friend of mine in the library; she working on her homework and I working on a novel I was writing. She noticed my frantic  scribbling  (I draft in pen and paper, I find it to be more intimate and thus more creative.) and asked, “what are you doing?”. I replied, “I’m working on a book, but this part, I just can’t seem to get right. I continued, without much thought in how she had stopped working, and sat there watching me for a solid 10 minutes. I let out a loud puff of frustration and ripped the pages out, throwing them into the garbage can. Looking up at her, I caught her staring at me; she blushed big time, and scrambled to act as if she’d been doing her work. From then on, she showed a real interest in what I was up to on a daily basis, whereas before this we would merely see one another in passing and a family style dinner.

    And to another example:
    I fancy myself an amateur scientist, I enjoy writing out equations and attempting to crack the secrets of the universe – I believe it will be an amateur who will make the truest discoveries in this day and age and so I read vigorously and hypothesize equal. One day, another girl had noticed me, again, scribbling away in my book; it was probably a real sight since I was writing so quickly it was audible, only to abruptly stop and chew the butt of my pen, rub my head, and continue.

    Again, I paid no mind, only catching that feeling of someone watching; nothing worth me stopping my work. Again, I let out a puff of frustration, but this time I merely looked up (I was fairly pleased with my progress on the hypothesis this time.) What did I see? Six girls were huddled around me, 6 girls were in the class. I looked around at them, “Uh, yes?” the first girl who had been looking at me during this said, “what’re you working on?” I said it straight, “I’m working on a new theory. Basically, if we work within a gravitational medium, how would the weight of celestial objects effect gravity itself? Assuming the thought as a plane (or a string) then would expansion of the universe have a factor of the destruction of super-massive objects. Think of it like a sheet, you pull the sheet taught and put something heavy in the middle so the sheet stretches and sags. If you remove the object, the sheet is now stretched by that force.”

    And you should have seen their faces.

    Herein lies the issue. How can I date? I can’t do what I do and do a good woman justice. I can’t have that many labors of love.

    You desire what you can’t have. Women desire passionate men because the REALLY passionate men are too busy for them; they can’t have the obsessed worker, so they settle for the guy with a fairly consuming hobby.

  10. 30
    Brent

    Here we go again…another “diet” of HOW TO FOR DUMMIES advice. How many look at all the mixed messages and advice in weight lifting, diets, blah blah blah and are more confused as ever? Women DONT like passionate men because they are some kind of stalker or TOO AGGRESSIVE. This advice bullshit is exactly that. My advice is STAY AWAY from them because they eventually bash you, tell you how you dont fit into their Prince Charming molds and that you are not the bad boy….its all bullshit men…..its best to stay away and be FREE! Notice how the woman are telling YOU what YOU NEED TO DO…yet you are not allowed to say to them ANYTHING. Its a one way street men……you will be owned if you dont stop giving her what she wants…..HOWS THAT FOR PASSION? What a fucked up unrealistic article

    1. 30.1
      john gentile

      spot on my friend 🙂 nobody else has the decency, intelligence, or hell…just plain COMMONE SENSE to know that this is all bullshit. women are just stuck up pricks nowadays and the real advice is this…STAY MGTOW. quit trying to change yourself at every female whim.

  11. 31
    Karl R

    Brent, (#30)
    Thank you for serving as the bad example.
      
    Ladies,
    There are a few women who have been posting on the blog regularly who make the following complaints/comments.
      
    1. Evan’s tells women to change in order to get better results.
    2. Women get confusing mixed messages about dating/relationships.
    3. Women should just forget men and enjoy their freedom.
      
    If you find yourself agreeing with those women, look carefully at what Brent said.
    Brent (#30) makes all of the same arguments, but he makes them for men instead.
      
    Does Brent sound like he’s happily enjoying his freedom from women? Of course not. If he were happily enjoying his freedom, he wouldn’t be here telling us how Evan’s advice is wrong.
      
    Based on his own statements, women aren’t particularly attracted to Brent, and he is frustrated by that. But, he doesn’t want advice on how he can change in order to improve his success. Instead, Brent wants Evan to tell women how they should change so Brent can become more attractive to women.
      
    Ladies,
    How many of you feel motivated to change your behavior just so Brent can become more successful at dating? Most of you are barely willing to change your behavior in order to make yourself more successful. None of you are willing to change in order to make Brent more successful.
      
    If Brent wants to be more successful, he can change himself. Or he can stay single (which many of you may see as the better option for women in general).
      
    So if  you complain that men aren’t told to change in ways to make dating more successful for you, why would men feel any more motivated to change for you than you are to change for Brent?
      
    Do you think men should change for you because you’re a good person? Brent sees himself as a good person. (He clearly doesn’t identify himself as a “bad boy”, even though he believes women like bad boys better than him.) Based on his attitude, do you feel that he’s a good person?
      
    If Evan can’t even convince Brent to change in order to make Brent’s dating life better, he’s certainly not going to convince you to change in order to make Brent’s dating life better. And if Evan can’t convince you to change in order to make your dating life better, he’s certainly not going to be able to convince men to change in order to make your dating life better.
      
    Brent asked: (#30)
    “How many look at all the mixed messages and advice in weight lifting, diets, blah blah blah and are more confused as ever?”
      
    I’m confused as to where you found anyone (besides yourself) talking about dieting and weight lifting in this thread.
      
    Brent asked:  (#30)
    “This advice bullshit is exactly that.”
      
    Evan’s advice:
    1. Find some interest that you are passionate about.
    2. Become skilled at it.
      
    I’d recommend people follow that advice just to enjoy their lives more. You find it to be “bullshit”. Did you have something better to do with your time?

  12. 32
    Gender Envoy

    The Mystery Method? That’s so 2007.
    PUA culture has moved away from indirect methods towards the more common sense methods of Sasha Daygame or Mode One in recent years.

  13. 33
    Tim

    Great looks come first: A man needs to have a convetionally handsome face, good face/head structure. A man must be tall and have a great physique: Not skinny, or chubby but not too muscular either..a nice fit broan and lean physique.

    Then comes confidence..lots of it. The ever elusive charm, intellect and also being great in bed and rerably well endowed.   A man must also have a lot going in life. He has to be succesful and have a great lifestyle.
    In short we men have a very little room to have imperfections. We must be impressive in every aspect of life in order to be considered attractive by women.  

    I hope this didnt come across as judgemental or pointing fingers at women for being shallow. It is what is. Men and women are vastly different. Women are more selective and are meant to find very few men attractive. I can accept that.

    1. 33.1
      Tomas A

      @Tim (#33):
      I’d say the importance of looks vary from f**k all to “a part of the 200 piece puzzle.” I see couples where the guy is average at best and the girl is stunning all the time, and at the risk of sounding like a douche I get hit on left and right. That might not sound like much, until you learn that I’m a 320 lbs guy with more chins than a chinese phone book, and my face is nowhere near “conventionally handsome.” I get comments all the time about how I look like Chumlee from the TV show Pawn Stars, and I don’t think he belongs in the “conventionally handsome”-category. I’m tall, about 6’4″, but that’s about it.  
      I also didn’t get any attention from women until I started going out with the sole mission of having fun. I also have a real passion for singing, and I’m blessed with a really great voice (or so all my pro musician friends keep telling me), and when I worked up the courage to show that to people around me the snowball really started rolling.  
      I’ll agree that you need confidence, at least enough to stand up for yourself, believe in your own skills and use them to achieve something. When it comes to charm I’ll quote someone who commented on an online article about picking up women – “It’s a learned trait. Conscious or not, you learn it.” Of course there will be some variations, and things like personality type and the nack for picking up social skills might mean the difference between truly mastering the art of seduction and being a happy amateur, but I’d say most people can improve at least a bit.
      Intellect … As long as you’re smart enough to learn from your mistakes and not f**k up in normal social situations I’d say that’s enough. Also, a “great” intellect can often lead to analysis paralyzis, i.e. your intellect tells you that a specific approach “should” work and when you fail you either crack or keep refining a method that ultimately proves to be faulty because you perceive yourself as smart and therefor “should” be able to figure it out.  
      Great in bed? Yeah, but again – learning. “Well endowed” …? Really? Not stereotyping at all here, I see.
      “A lot” going on is fairly relative, but a man should definitely have a purpose in life and work toward it. Great lifestyle I’ll agree on. A man should have his sh*t together, and even if he’s not off to climb mountains in the weekends he should take care of himself both physically and spiritually.

  14. 34
    Beverlee Carrell

    I totally disagree with this information…….When I was in high school this applied.   Then hopefully your grow up and a man with manners that looks at your spirit as equal to his and keep his nose in his own business.   This is class and I am finding it sadly missing from the modern man.   Just simple manners are hard to find.   Of course women have decided to be rough and tough and mannerless also.   We all need a makeover.   The old style southern man had charm and class. Has it disappeared?

     

  15. 35
    andrian007

    After reading all the comments above, I realized one very important lesson: If you just be yourself, pursue your own hobbies, interests and passion without ever feeling the need to impress or attract anyone, life is so much simpler.

  16. 36
    Chris

    Man it’s sad that I’ve enjoyed my job and hobbies but have yeo meet any women that wanted anything to do with me. I’ve seen massively obese people and disabled people that have better luck with women than I. I don’t know what to do anymore other than just mind my own business and die quietly.

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