I Think I Just Met My Soulmate. How Can I Know If It’s Real?

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First let me say, I am in no way shape or form a “creeper” or some sort of “sick-o”, and I have no desire to be with a woman that’s 30 years younger than me. I was married for 20 years then our marriage ended quite suddenly. I am very content being single and I’m not or at least thought I wasn’t, looking for another. My kids keep my life full enough.

With that said, I have to ask you about something that happened last night at a campfire with some friends and family. I happened to be sitting by a 19-year old girl (I’m pushing 50) that I know through family and friends. We’ve always been able to talk like a dad would to a daughter, just about this and that, or anything that might come up.

We were looking at each other while discussing the way the sparks were floating up in the air, when suddenly something happened that has never happened to me with any woman in my life. The same thing happened to her, at the same time. I was looking into her eyes talking, when, and this is going to sound really stupid, the rest of the activities and people around us…like…disappeared. There were no other noises but me talking. Ok, this is really going to sound like I’ve lost my mind because I don’t quite know how to explain it…then…it was like I was “in her mind” or somehow “connected” to her. Her eyes got big, as did mine, and I was so freaked out that I quickly turned my head and looked at the fire.

Here is how the conversation then went…she spoke first:

Her: Wow !!!! What was that?

Me: I have no idea

Her: My God, that was weird. Ha ha… We just had a “moment”. Ha ha…

Me: I know, I felt it too, that’s why I turned away…it like freaked me out. So you felt that too?

Her: Yeah, it’s like…I just looked into your soul.

Then we both got up and joined the rest of the party.

Evan, what the hell happened there?? It kept me up all last night, woke me this morning…it was so heavy on my mind. I was married for 20 years and had other serious relationships prior to that and I NEVER felt anything like that with any of them. Is that supposed to happen before you get married? Is it common? Maybe that’s why my marriage failed. LOL.

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m asking here. I have no desires to be with this girl…that’s what she is, a girl. But now I’m wondering…have I missed out on something all my life? Does this happen to other people? Is the term “Soul Mate” real? Is it possible to find someone to connect with like that (who’s not 30 years younger)? If so, I’d put myself back into the market and search the ends of the earth to have a feeling like that again. Even though it only lasted about 3-4 seconds, it was the most…I can’t even name the feeling…”fulfilling”??? feeling I’ve ever experienced.

Any insight from you on what happened last night would be most welcome.

Brian

What’s with these May-December romances? That’s 3 letters in a row!

I appreciate your mostly self-aware email, Brian, because it illustrates that the deception of passion knows no boundaries. Men and women, young and old, get caught up in a feeling and then want to chase that feeling to the end of the earth.

Chemistry is a real thing. Except instead of viewing it as a “feeling, I’d encourage you to view it as a junior high school science class. It’s literally CHEMISTRY. Dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, pheromones — all of these chemicals course through your brain when you have a moment like you had. It’s the same chemicals that stimulate the pleasure centers in your brain that get activated when you do drugs. I’m no drug expert, but meth, cocaine, ecstasy… the reason these are pleasurable is because of the surplus of these hormones staying in your synapses for longer. Yes, drugs are an artificial high, but what a high!

Men and women, young and old, get caught up in a feeling and then want to chase that feeling to the end of the earth.

For some reason — probably because it’s natural — we don’t think of the physical/chemical part of things when it comes to chemistry. We just get caught up in the drama and fantasy of what that feeling meant. Instead of the accurate, but disappointing, view that it meant that your brain was flooded with hormones, you came to the conclusion that this MOMENT you experienced was emblematic of something more.

Could this have been the soulmate connection you were looking for your whole life?

Sorry to say, but probably not. That doesn’t diminish that wonderful feeling of connectedness you had, but whatever meaning this moment had for you is not in any way a reflection of anything deeper.

It was just a magic moment.

If you want to experience it again, here’s all you have to do:

Find a willing partner and stare into his/her eyes for two minutes straight, without laughing.

Could this have been the soulmate connection you were looking for your whole life? Sorry to say, but probably not.

Doesn’t matter who it is, you will have some form of that feeling again — a deep intimacy that you never experience with strangers simply because you don’t allow yourself to.

I know it sounds crazy, but you can actually INDUCE those feelings and chemicals by being real, authentic, vulnerable and connected — to ANYONE who is willing to play along.

Try it. You’ll see. And maybe you won’t be so seduced by the meaning of such moments in the future.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Unknown

    ” Soul mates are for real”
    If u have had someone whom u never really gotten that far with yet haven’t forgot them them after 15 years there’s a connection there or was n the heart n mind can’t seem to forget even as long or as much u have forgot!’…it is the whole reason y I looked up on this n found this article as well as others n they all make perfect sence to me when u know now or even years latter that they exists it is possible to be infinitely into someone’s mind heart it’s like knowing them better then they know them selfs it’s liking looking at them without looking at them you don’t actually need to look in someone’s eyes to feel that connection when it’s in ur mind ur spirit ur heart it’s like they all focus n come in one accord on one thing so they examine n filter n determine what exactly is that one thing person that u seek look at n it’s like looking into a microfine glass at the species ur examining which is the other person n so began to know what type of blood line n food they need n what’s exactly in side them n how much in take of food they can have n so become like a mother n no one else can take that place of knowing them so much so that when u don’t even look at them you still know exactly what they graving n what kind of good they like n what is it they need n what their thinking of n what’s best for them so it’s no longer only a thing of looking into their eyes n getting high it’s a caring looking out for them basis n winning them to help then even if it’s to lose them that’s reall n caring n the heart n mind can still think of then as such a home base or child with out looking into their eyes!…I hope you got my point about not having to have to stare in the eyes but the heart even after the eyes have been stared into n may have never been stared into again the after mate of that effect that can last a lifetime on also know what’s in those windows of soul as to the soul it’s self n never fidgeting that bit precisly the eyes alone!…

  2. 22
    Adam

    Spot on! After twenty-one years of marriage, the euphoria associated with my wife is genuinely derived from investing daily in the quality of connecting. Quite noticeably, as we neglected investing in each other, the connection diminishes, and for whatever reason, we found other people, friends, or family to connect with. Mind you, the disconnect was slow, almost perceivable, and yet, I was aware of it. You just sense it, and after a year, the marriage fell apart.

    Since then, in my dating ritual, I can look past the initial ‘chemical’ connection, see the friendship and focus in on creating more in-depth associations, dialogues, and ultimately, the vetting processes-is she someone I enjoy her company, someone I wish to spend more time with. The ‘falling in love’ syndrome that most people undergo, isn’t a viable excuse to chase the relationship carrot, at least, not for me. Should I do that, all the reasons I chased her in the first place could easily be toppled by the most simplistic dysfunction on her part-she chews her food with her mouth open, or farts, or even unwilling to engage in french kissing. Pick an excuse, chasing the ‘soul mate’ syndrome, they eventually crop into the picture.

    So, yea, I can certainly relate to the ‘feeling’, however, a successful relationship requires each of us to manage our hearts, not let them lead us, less we fall in love with ‘chocolate’, eat it all the time, and get sick, or worse, become a diabetic. It’s just common sense to vet a relationship when that ‘feeling’ kicks in.

  3. 23
    Maya

    As first,sorry,I’m not native English speaker. I didn’t read all comments,but there is a thing that I’m absolutely positive about. There IS such a thing as a Soulmate. I have find mine. The life brought to us that we can’t be together. And I am not a sick-o as well. That thing,with your eyes,I don’t know if it’s a sign of “mating”. Being someones soulmate is not an “instant” feeling,love at first sight or something. It’s an intense feeling of belonging to other person wherever he or she is. Whatever he does. As long as he loves you. And you didn’t have to ask him,you,occasionally,don’t even know where he is. But you just know that he loves you. You know…
    I have to live with this permanent feeling of love for him every day,he is a part of me. I have a boyfriend,a wonderful guy I love. We had big relationship issues in past. We was separate,but still together when I started a relationship with my soulmate. It lasted over a year. We haven’t had sex,but it was perfectly real and magical. I left him,but we never broke up for real. That’s what people call complicated. One day I will be again with my soulmate (maybe never,who knows). And that day,I will love him strongly as I love him now,as I loved him for all this years. But I won’t be happy leaving my current boyfriend broken-hearted for my own happiness. I feel guilty for loving someone else. Unintentionally,but still wrong. It’s not something I choose. But I can choose to do the right thing.

  4. 24
    J.H.

    A 19 year old woman is not a girl.

    She’s fair game, sexually and legally.

  5. 25
    ISREAL GOD

    Hello everyone, I have taken the time to read all comments here as I find the whole idea of soulmates a fascinating subject…my take on soulmates : I believe that true happiness is found within ourselves are spirits and bodies are soulmates . one had to be completely whole in themselves and love themselves wholly in order to truly love, and besides waiting on another for your happiness is like waiting on love in a bear cave that’s facing North, yeah Luke that’s gonna happen , I believe what you have to do is keep heading west and hope and pray that a Friend and Chosen Lover finds you and you them . Blessings and Beginnings to you All!

  6. 26
    reham

    Thanks evan…i had such a moment with a younger guy…and since then i became obssesed with him…although i know that we are not a good match…you explained what happend to me perfectly

    .you gave me hope…to feel that again with someone more fitting …thanks again

  7. 27
    celia

    I have experienced the limerence effect several times in my life and misconstrued it as real love. .that is until I read many books on the subject.   True love to me..means staying with someone through arguments disagreements and such.   Not giving up when times get tough. Keeping score and judging is not real love. Love is the sours and the sweets.   That’s real love and is only discovered in hindsight.

  8. 28
    Katja

    I have experienced this aswell. Even though i have to disagree in Why it happened. I believe in the chemical explaination but i have hade this with the same person, in Two diffeent occasions far from each other and Ee basically could not stop staring at each other . We looked so Deep into eachothers souls for minutes at a time and it was definitly something Else Than just one moment. We didnt know eachother and didnt talk but Everytime we looked at eachother we couldnt stop staring.

  9. 29
    special

    Soulmate, someone with whom one has a special, almost spiritual connection.
    Soulmate do really exist.

  10. 30
    Cora

    When I was 17 I was traveling alone (backpacking) in southeast asia. I had a travel partner but he got homesick and left me a bit early. The trip lasted 30 days – my mom was a travel agent and for some insane reason let me travel the world by myself at that age. I almost died a few times but it was AWESOME – all due to the people I met. On the trip one day – I was at a train station in Singapore and I walked past a man who was sitting on a bench. He had long, semi-curly hair – at least 20 years older than me. I smiled and he did too – and something indescribable happened – much like what was described in the letter above. Personally, I do agree with Evan in that this is chemically-related to our hormones – but I believe there is more to it. I can stare into the eyes of a man next to him and feel nothing. There was something more to this man. We ended up speaking, traveling together and becoming as close as two people could be – considering he was Italian, older and traveling a different path in life. We formed a strong friendship and stayed in contact for years – always felt a real love for him. Sometimes these intense attractions are sexual, more primitive in nature – this was a real innocent love for each other – and it always stayed that way. Sadly, I lost contact with him as of now…maybe I will do another search for him. I think this is not only chemical – I believe sometimes there is a spiritual aspect to it – something you both recognize in each other in such a brief fleeting moment. I don’t know if I’ve ever had that type of pure loving connection in that way with anyone since …but I have had an intense intense connection with someone that is more primal and sexual, to be honest. I am currently dealing with it. I was attracted to this man (also 15 yrs older) the first time we met due to his intensity, his passions and his similar travel history and adventurousness. After that we would lock eyes and it was so intense – it is difficult for me now. I spent the last four months randomly having him pop into my head and then block it out and move on. But this morning I went in to school (college) and he was the first person I saw as I entered – and everyone around us faded. He locked eyes with me so intensely for what seemed like so long – I feel like I cannot take it anymore. So I contacted him. I’ve never had this before. I am single so this is sort of fun…and i just want to see what is really going on. If this is one sided ….wow I will be shocked and embarrassed but oh well..,life is short.

  11. 31
    Cora

    I’m posting again. After reading more of the comments – something hit me. I have had this one other time. The fact that it left my mind does make me sad – but I was thinking more in terms of a different type of attraction. I mentioned in the previous comment about a traveler and a deep connection. I had this with ONE other single person in my life. He too was years older and it was when I was in the military and he was visiting the base – he was directing some commercials (Army of One). Anyway, this man – when he spoke – he did so from his soul. When he looked at you – he looked deeper than most. He was the most sincere, humble person I have known in my life time – awe-inspiring to everyone he knew. He was such a positive light to others. I was so drawn to him – forget all the eye contact – I’m sure that happened but it wasn’t an intense insane experience. I knew I wanted to know him better and to have him in my life – I was just drawn to his love of the world and each breath he took – he felt it – he lived it – he lived in the moment. We too stayed in touch longer than anyone in my life. He knew me better than any family member ever has. The connection was not just hormones – it was a soul connection like others mentioned. I recognized something in him – so beautiful and so pure. I loved this man so much. He too – he was 20+ yrs older. He was a best friend to me. He was so loving. It was innocent – it wasn’t fatherly – it was just real human to human soulful love. He changed my life forever. Sadly, the one man who loved life more than anyone I have ever know – he died a few yrs ago after having a triple organ transplant. I traveled far across the country to see him before he died. I miss him so much. Sometimes there is much more to a connection than hormones. Our bodies and our subconscious – I think it is deeper and smarter than we know or understand —– if we take chances and step outside of our comfort zones to explore these things – life can become so beautiful.

  12. 32
    M

    I wanted to replay to this post as I am struggling with the same “problem” myself. I have never had it with anybody in my life- prolonged gazes and the the inner feeling of just knowing the other person, like communicating with eyes only. And one magical gaze when everything faded away and i felt warm fuzzy feeling and inner voice: “i know, i love him, i just know and cant help it”. There are times this man tries to avoid me and vice versa but i cant get him out of my mind, i’m afraid never. It has been going on for several years now. Sometimes i feel him thinking about me, talking to me, missing me. Other times i feel and see him ignoring me. I know, it’s crazy and maybe i should be diagnosed but as i have never felt it with anybody else in my entire life (and i’m already 40) it does make sense (though both of us are in relationship). It is crazy but these gazes, espescially the one i described, i will never forget and him also as he pops in my mind every now and then with varying intensity. But as he does not take any action it’s just hopeless…:(

    1. 32.1
      H

      It’s not crazy at all, but if you think you need to be “diagnosed”, I am sure many will be glad to oblige. With a little luck and the right dope, they’ll even “cure” you.

      Or just hang around here, whete fifty is considered “old” and over the hill, ready to be buried.

      Good luck.

       

  13. 33
    nevets

    Evans right about the chemicals, but is wrong on not attributing the other factors unassociated with the chemicals.

    Sit in a Ferrari, feel the rumble of a V12, and fly down a road. Great feeling.

    Replicate it with a steelbox that rumbles and moves fast. Same thing? Not quite.

    You feel the rush and thrill the same, but hey, knowing you’re in a 250000 supercar that looks like heaven, is all there has to be said.

    That’s why when you see someone REAL hot, and they meet eyes with you, and connect its on a different level than say, an average looking person. – We know the difference. Its the stakes at play.

    The reward is sex/dates/time with someone SEXY AS HELL.

    Baseball – Same pitcher, same crowd, same close game. But add World Series, and every Pro pitcher will tell you, its somehow different.

    Same chemicals going through your brain, but knowing, is the human game changer.

    The article about the guy who locked eyes with a 19 year old, I would say had a sexual attraction for her. Even just a tiny bit, if not a lot. History tells us that old men do not mind young women as young as 14. Nvm 19. Occums Razor right?

    He’s probably just in the know that modern society frowns upon this, and is a decent guy to know that him pursuing a 19 yr old wouldn’t be good for HER.

    Be honest. That guy, that girl, bon fire, no one else around, no society to uphold morals, they’d be F*cking after that eye gaze.

    Evans right about the chemicals in relation to the person that triggers it sometimes is meaningless. In the dating,sexing community this is called Buying Temperature.

    Aka. Someone hotter than you can work up your person of desire, get those chemicals flowing, and when that hotter someone leaves, they’re susceptible to levying some of those chemical feelings on you, given the timing, and circumstances.

    Eg. Girls settling for uglier guys at nightclubs and Guys settling for uglier girls at a strip club****

    *P.s. guys are never approached by attractive females on the scale of a strip club.

     

  14. 34
    Rebecca Brockway

    Excellent post EMK!

  15. 35
    ScottH

    I did the 2 minute eye gazing thing you mentioned with my previous gf, not because of any suggestions but because we just did it.   It was magical and when I talk to others about why I miss her, I frequently mention staring into her eyes.    It was so intimate, so powerful.

  16. 36
    ET

    Horny old man. Gross! A 19 year old? That’s disgusting.

  17. 37
    lily

    Yes, I had that magical moment with one person in my life. The first time  I saw him he catched my attention – there was something ( I wouldnt call it love at first sight) better describe it as a connection which lasts approximately 5 sec. and   anything else was hidden around us in my mind. I never felt that before with someone. Also I wouldnt say this was because of physical chemicals because we were placed  too far away to each other.

    He approached me and after talking for months, I found out that hes has the same way of thinking, the same interestings and  no one ever  was able to trigger  such intense feelings in me   like  he did  . Could that be random? Again, never had that bond before with someone.

    nevertheless we didnt come together for reasons but I think soulmates mustnt become a couple and are mainly there to to get to know yourself or to develop on a higher spiritual level.

    It`s just crazy beacause I had that magic moment before we get to know each other.

    Science please explain that!?

     

     

     

     

    1. 37.1
      H

      “Science” knows squat about that (or about anything of consequence, really).

      Lucky you for having experienced it.

       

       

  18. 38
    Kelli

    Sometimes love can be surprising. I had no instant connection with my future husband (though I liked him as a person). Long story short, I got drunk & married my boss at a desperate point after our abusive relationships. I was bitter & bored at first, but as we got over our issues & truly opened up, we started connecting & are still in love. We didn’t find soul mates- we GREW compatible because we both believe in compromise & appreciating our differences! Be compromising, appreciative, flexible, & open-minded if any of you really want a “soul mate.”

  19. 39
    H

    Interesting (or not really)… If the difference in age were smaller, people would be all “go for it!”, “it’s once in a lifetime experience!” And so on.

    Yes, there’s a big difference in age, but they are both ADULTS. She is not a child. He is not a decrepit old man. They are adults. Period. And such an experience definitely is once-in-a-lifetime (if ever) thing.

    I know he said he wouldn’t want to be with her, but I doubt he’ll ever forget this experience; and why would he?

    Oh, and BTW: since when is (not even) fifty “December”? What is seventy or eighty, then? Late April?

  20. 40
    Jasper

    Instead of saying that these experiences are ‘just chemistry’, we also have the equally reasonable option of saying that ‘chemistry’ is way more profound and mysterious than it might seem.   Maybe chemical events in brains are the means by which people sometimes have soul-to-soul experiences.

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