If The Lust Has Faded, Should I Dump My Great Boyfriend?

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Hi Evan, I stumbled across your blog while looking for advice. It’s been really helpful for me so far! I have read what you’ve written on passion and chemistry, and I know you get a lot of questions on this topic. I am 27 and have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is the kindest, most compassionate guy I have ever known. He treats me like gold and is just the coolest, most gentle person who understands me completely and is always there for me. I feel safe and calm when I am with him. He makes me so happy and when we are together we have so much fun and I am always so happy I feel like I’m on cloud nine! He really does feel like my soulmate and I feel so lucky to have met someone like him. I love him very much and have a strong feeling that I always want to be there for him and make him happy. There is just one little problem…

I don’t feel that same passion and lust for him as I did when we first met. I am not super excited and giddy around him anymore. I used to want to jump his bones anywhere and everywhere, even in the supermarket. But that feeling has faded and now when we are doing everyday things together like shopping or cuddling on the couch I feel more of a peaceful comfort and warmth with him. Don’t get me wrong, I still find him attractive. I still love to be physical with him and we are constantly touching and kissing and cuddling. It’s just not that exciting anymore; it feels more comforting and warm and loving rather than lustful. I don’t think about him every second of the day anymore, don’t get butterflies in my stomach when I see him and don’t feel nervous, giddy or weak in the knees anymore. When we are together doing ordinary everyday things I don’t feel that intense lust anymore, but rather a warm comfort and joy. This makes me so confused. I love him so much and want to stay with him. I cant imagine being with anyone else. Isn’t a relationship or a marriage supposed to have that intense lust? Would I be wrong to stay in a relationship where the lust has faded? Marisa

 

Marry him.

Like, right now. Lock it in.

You’re in a dream relationship and you’re trying to find cracks in it.

That’s like inspecting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel to see where Michelangelo colored outside the lines.

Just reread what you wrote above:

“He makes me so happy and when we are together we have so much fun and I am always so happy I feel like I’m on cloud nine! He really does feel like my soulmate and I feel so lucky to have met someone like him. I love him very much and have a strong feeling that I always want to be there for him and make him happy.”

 

This is what it’s all about, Marisa. And it’s not like you’re turned off by him:

You SHOULDN’T feel butterflies with the person who will be there until you die.

Don’t get me wrong, I still find him attractive. I still love to be physical with him and we are constantly touching and kissing and cuddling. It’s just not that exciting anymore; it feels more comforting and warm and loving rather than lustful. I don’t think about him every second of the day anymore, don’t get butterflies in my stomach when I see him and don’t feel nervous, giddy or weak in the knees anymore.

This is exactly what healthy relationships should be like. You SHOULDN’T be nervous around your best friend. You SHOULDN’T obsess about the man you’ve loved for 3 years. You SHOULDN’T feel butterflies with the person who will be there until you die.

That’s what happens at the beginning — and, to make sure you feel normal — this feeling wears off within 18-24 months in most relationships, according to Dr. Helen Fisher, author of “Why We Love”.

Which is why, as a dating coach, I spend most of my time telling women to find the relationship that feels EXACTLY like yours does, Marisa!

You’ve hit the lottery and you’re worried about paying taxes on it? Really?

Just know that the “exciting, shiny new car” that you bought last week will, in two or three years, just be known as “your car”.

That’s how things work. They’re exciting when they’re new and comfortable when they’re old. People who chase that exciting new feeling are the ones who are either perpetually single, perpetually trying to “trade up” in relationships, or prone to cheating because they feel that the grass is always greener.

Perhaps Barry Schwartz, author of The Paradox of Choice”, said it best in Lori Gottlieb’s “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.” To paraphrase:

…what you should do when you’re dating is attempting to find the “6” with whom you can spend the rest of your life.

At some point, you realize you shouldn’t marry a “10”, so you go for the “8”. But once you fall in love with the “8”, over time, once you get accustomed to him, he turns into a “6”. Once the bloom is off the rose, you start to think you can do better than your “6”, and you break up with him, only to find another “8”, forgetting of course, that in a few years, he, too, will become a “6”. So really, Schwartz advises, what you should do when you’re dating is attempting to find the “6” with whom you can spend the rest of your life.

My wife did that.

You’ve done that, Marisa.

And I can assure you, when you sit back and watch all the lustful couples break up while you’re growing old with your soulmate, you’re not going to have the second thoughts you’re having now.

Instead, you’re going to wonder how you could have ever thought your life would be better without this man by your side.

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Comments:

  1. 81
    Riley

    Thanks Evan! I’m in the same boat, with a guy for almost 3 years, best boyfriend I’ve ever had, loves me for who I really am, prefers me without making, doesn’t mind my neediness or little pudgy parts of my body, funny, protective, caring, even told me he wants to marry me someday soon when he has enough money for a ring, but even though he was all that I got worried because we didn’t have as much lust as we used to, we still have our physical moments every now and again, but they’re not as frequent as when we first started dating. He lives nearby now so we spend everyday together after work cuddling, having dinner, shopping, ect. But because of the less frequent lust and lack of feeling the need to talk to him while I’m away made me fear that something was wrong, not as sexual as it was but much more loving, glad to see I’m not alone!

    1. 81.1
      Riley

      Nerdiness* not neediness

  2. 82
    Justaperson

    I’m gonna hit you with some reality here.   You don’t deserve him.   At all.   If he is this good to you and you still consider dumping him, you don’t deserve him. You don’t truly love him either.   A person in love would never have to ask that question.   You remind me of those girls that leave good men and go after the bad boys to get that excitement back only to end up in an abusive relationship with a loser.   I honestly wish I knew your boyfriend cause I would tell him to drop you like a hot potato.   You don’t love him truly.

  3. 83
    Alina

    Marisa, that’s okay what you feel. Passion is a cyclic thing. The most wonderful thing is that you’ve had the spark in the beginning. Everything’s gonna be alright. Don’t worry. Stay alone for sometime, fall in love with yourself, discover new places and don’t get crazy about the lust «What shall I do if I lose my lust?»
    Attraction is uncontrollable. That’s the magic. That’s why it’s such a fantastical feeling. Don’t push. Relax.

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