Am I Crazy For Wanting To Dump The Amazing Man Who Bores Me?

603 Shares

Dear Evan,

A little history…I’m 28, divorced with two young kids, they live at home. He is 37, divorced with one teenage kid that he sees every other weekend. Here is my dilemma…. I can’t figure out if I’m attracted to him or the fact that he’s a good guy.

You wait and pray for there to be a good guy left on this earth and finally one comes along and you find him boring or at least not challenging.

What is that? Am I crazy?

He is completely into me. Calls, writes me letters, texts, takes me out, does family outings, asks about my day, washes my car, is clean, is fit, responsible, understanding, compliments me, etc, etc. We’ve been dating two months. We don’t get too much opportunity to spend alone time so we’ve only slept with each other twice. It was okay, not mind blowing or anything. I’ve had much better, but I’ve had much worse too. He’s relatively attractive but not my usual type or taste.

Am I being picky? Any other woman would think he is a great catch. I think so as well but just…I don’t know why I can’t get into him.

He’s completely fallen for me, thinks I’m strong, independent, beautiful, good mom, etc. wants to make me happy and for me to be his “girlfriend” and I can just tell the L word is coming along any day now. I can just tell and trust me, I’m not wrong on this.

Another bit of history…

So he usually gets involved with psychos that latch on to him. That is – the complete opposite of me. I like my space and I don’t care if I never see you again. Guys come and go but my family, especially my kids, are forever. It’s one of the mottos I live by. I don’t need anyone to take care of me. A guy in my life is “nice to have” but by no means a need. I think I’m a challenge for him, which is fine. But on my side of things it’s too easy.

From experience, happily ever after doesn’t exist. Sure everyone puts their best foot forward when they’re dating but who’s to say he’ll stay like that? Am I just jaded and not giving him a real chance? Or is just the reverse that I’m just not into him? Then the dilemma becomes do I let this great guy go and regret it afterward?

Can you give some advice on this? I have no idea what to do.

Thank you.

Diana

Dear Diana,

I can only imagine that thousands of women were reading your post and nodding along at the familiarity of your situation.

It’s pretty much the human condition. The people we want don’t want us. The people who want us, we don’t want. When there’s a rare exception to that rule, we call it love.

As I see it, you’re asking a few separate questions here. Let’s break them down separately, so hopefully you can find a little clarity — or, more likely, validation, for how you feel.

Question 1: Am I crazy?

No, Diana. You’re not crazy. You may be confounding to men, but you’re definitely not crazy and definitely not wrong…. Attraction is not rational. We can break it down to its elemental components, but that thing that you feel, which draws you to a man? It’s not a choice. No more than the base attraction a man has to a woman when he sees her across a crowded room.

There has been a great deal written on this, and there’s an entire industry designed to explain to “nice guys” how to attract women. In fact, it’s been turned into such a science, that you might want to take a look at it. Check out more from one of the original masters, David DeAngelo. DeAngelo puts into plain words what you just feel in your bones: confident, decisive, witty, and somewhat unpredictable men are the most attractive. Yes, it helps if he’s cute. Sure, it helps if he has money. But the attitude that plays the best with the most women is generally some version of “cocky and funny.”

Nice guys don’t finish last. Nice guys without any balls finish last.

Of course, most women outgrow men who are so cocky that they are unable to forge bonds with a woman. But the desire for a man with a little swagger never entirely wanes. I wrote about a man’s passion and proficiency just two weeks ago. In short, a guy doesn’t have to be a jerk to do well with women. He just has to be a man.

And while I hate to keep on referencing old blog posts, some of them apply specifically to this theme, especially this one, which says:

Nice guys don’t finish last. Nice guys without any balls finish last.

Which brings me to your next question.

Question 2: Am I being picky?

Let’s see… By your admission, he “calls, writes me letters, texts, takes me out, does family outings, asks about my day, washes my car, is clean, is fit, responsible, understanding, compliments me, etc, etc.”

So what do you think? Are you being picky? Or is there something more to dating and relationships than what someone does for you?

How about how someone makes you feel?

How about how you feel about him?

I think those two things are the essence of any relationship. And I think they get lost when we start focusing on checklists.

I speak from personal experience when I mention that I have broken up with some of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. I recall a brief relationship back in 2003. She had everything on my checklist — smart, silly, cute, good family, stable job, etc. What she didn’t have — what I really needed at the time — was a backbone. I just got the sense that I’d win every argument for the rest of our lives because she was such a pushover. And that wasn’t something I either respected or was attracted to. I broke up with her for a woman who was like a Sex and the City character come to life. All New York brass and Jewish sass. After a few months of phone calls, I flew to the East Coast to go on a four-day make-it-or-break-it date.

You can guess what happened next….

Exactly as I pulled away from the darling girl who would have done anything for me, Miss NYC pulled away from me. When pressed, she said I had 90% of what she was looking for – but didn’t feel the necessary attraction to start a long-distance relationship.

Your independent “I don’t need anybody” attitude is counterproductive. With it, you will get exactly what you’re asking for. Nobody.

And, in retrospect, I’m almost positive it was because I thought she was God’s gift to man. I kissed her ass. She walked away.

Much like you’re going to do to your guy at any second.

So… Question 3: Do I let this great guy go and regret it afterward?

Needless to say, I can’t tell you what to do. You can’t force attraction. But you know that great guys don’t grow on trees.

I think the X-Factor is that you’re a 28-year-old single mom. This means that you’ve been married, so you don’t feel the need to do it again. You’ve had two kids, so you don’t hear the ticking clock. In other words, you have nothing about which to panic. You can afford to be picky. Suitors will continue to line up well into your 30’s.

BUT…

Your independent “I don’t need anybody” attitude is counterproductive. With it, you will get exactly what you’re asking for. Nobody.

If that is your goal, keep pushing away the nice guys and letting the bad boys take their shots. You’ll find them attractive, but they generally won’t want to stick around with a single mom who has all your responsibilities.

As for what you should do with this guy, it sounds to me like your mind is already made up. Therefore, you have my blessing to dump him. Staying with him when your heart’s not in it is doing neither of you any favors.

Just recognize that you’d actually like this guy more if he pulled away more and cared about you less.

A bit ironic, isn’t it?

Join our conversation (165 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 41
    AJ81

    Interesting posts and very good read. I’m a 33 year old guy, failed marriage (rushed into) with a daughter. I’ve started dating a 31 year old woman who is amazing in every way to me. I used to be the bad guy in relationships and never had any difficulties in picking up women or casting them aside. Maybe I’ve grown up a lot since those days, but now I’m looking for that deeper something that is more fulfilling and less stroking my ego. So for the first time I’ve opened up a bit and let myself get close to this new lady in my life and it’s been awesome for a year, so I thought. She isn’t happy and doesn’t get the rip your clothes off passion with me. The irony is that she said she feels content and happy with everything except that part. Her previous relationships have left a lot of damage to her emotionally, but in the back of her mind she still craves the bad boy with whom the excitement is whether he’ll leave her. Part of her also desperately wants the nice guy who will care for her deeply. We’re taking things slow right now to see if it will all work out in the future. I want to be there to support her (she has a lot of insecurity issues), but the more I try to support her the more she takes her troubles out on me and it really does start to wear you down. I’ve reached the stage where I really feel that the best thing for her is if I walk away which goes against everything I want to do. Ladies if you find a guy you’re happy with then just remember what makes you happy with him. Otherwise you may turn around one day to find him gone because you’ve made him think you’ll be happier without him. Guys if she seems unhappy then try talking about it, try working on it, and if you can’t change it then you have to walk away for the best. I think this post wasn’t to give advice to other people but maybe to give it to myself. Nice guys don’t finish last if they run in the right race to begin with.

  2. 42
    Confused

    I gave up hope of being in a non platonic relationship at all so, I am just myself. Laid back I guess. When I cared about all this stuff I couldn’t even get 1 date cause I pretty much bored them, apparently. I just focused on them cause this is how I see it:

    If you actually care about what I do or think you would ask. That’s what I do. Every question leaves her the option, or left her the option, to reciprocate. I feel like an asshole when I just talk about myself for no reason. If that makes me a boring guy I don’t care. I love being myself.

    The funny and ironic part is that I have lots of hobbies I’m passionate about. I am a completely different person when I sing, draw, or whatever else I like doing. The fact that they never took the initiative to reciprocate allowed their assumption of me to become a reality.

    She should let this guy go so he can find a woman who puts him on a platform as well so, they will be equals. This female seems to want a man to disrespect her and ignore her by playing mind games. Too old for all that nonsense. Get real or get lost.

    When I was losing motivation and basically started telling women exactly what I was thinking I respected the ones that flat out RECIPROCATED. I had no respect for the females that were two faced and acted nice to get a favor. (As if I wouldn’t notice it lol) These same females would back stab me and slander my name when I was not around.

    When it turned out a female I was really secretly crushing on was doing this it really hurt. If she stays with this dude and he gives her something from the heart, while secretly planning to break up, he is going to be destroyed inside. Women like this is why I don’t care about this stuff anymore.

  3. 43
    reymundo

    28, divorced with two young kids, they live at home.

    are non-starters. sorry but most guys want younger women, never married, no kids.

    so go ahead and do whatever until kids are older, say going to high school with lots and lots of activities.  so that will be 38 divorced with two teens living at home. will that reality be better than what your profile now?

    make your choices, but choose wisely for the long-term.

    1. 43.1
      MHL

      I never had problems dating when my children were younger.   While it will turn off some men, it is not a deal breaker to others.

  4. 44
    Agreed

    This was an amazing article. Thank you

  5. 45
    MHL

    Two and-a-half years ago I had “had it” with serial monogamy. I had had it with cheaters. I had had it with men I gave 110% to who couldn’t be bothered to do something nice in return. I had even had run-ins with abusers. It was time to make a change.

    I decided to do something different: POWER DATE. I dated like crazy over the summer. I went out with some men multiple times. Others, were one date experiences. (Their choice, not mine.)   I had no allegiance to any one person at one time because I wanted something authentic.

    I was honest. I told the men I was looking for my next relationship and would not have sex until I was monogamous. I also dated a variety of men — men who were my type and were not my type. I met a lot of nice men on both sides of that statement. I looked at it as “auditioning for the role of my next boyfriend.” It worked.

    I believe that if you think all men (women) are jerks, you’ll look for any trait that makes him (her) look like a jerk. I chose to believe that despite my experiences with jerks — and I had many of them — I’d look for the good in people. (That’s not the same as putting on blinders.) You see what you look for.

    At the end of the summer I found the man I would marry two years later.

    Does he fit my ideal list? No, not on every point. I had to make some concessions.

    I’m active and can easily work out for an hour. He’s morbidly obese but not afraid of a good workout. He’s just not consistent.

    I love deep conversations. He’s not so much into that. I’ve learned to talk to others when I want that “deep” conversation I crave.

    I like to discuss issues. He was used to women who picked fights. (One actually came after him with a knife and tried to stab him.) I had to train him to respond and not to react. It took awhile, but he finally realized that I hate, hate, hate to yell and to be yelled at. It hurts me deeply. Now, if an   issue arises, we can discuss it. Fortunately, we’ve rarely had anger issues with each other.

    He loves Sci-Fi. I sometimes think I’ll scream if I have to watch another space flick.

    HOWEVER — and this is big — we have the same relationship values. He treats me like a queen. I treat him like a king. We love the same way. He’s intelligent. We laugh together. We have similar interests. He makes me feel good about our relationship. This is huge.

    I actually added a comment about him on this site more than two years ago under a different avatar. (I don’t remember any of my login info and had to create a new one.) I went out with eight men from June through September. I did not accept every opportunity to date. When I went out with HIM, I knew I wanted to pursue the relationship further. I broke it off with the other men and focused on us.

    And, this is the irony, he got on POF to delete his account because he was ready to give up. Then, he saw me. He knew who I was because we had been in the same places together but we had never spoken.

    My profile was unique. There was none of the “I want a man, not a child” B.S. I saw on other women’s accounts. (To me, that sounds like nagging before the conversation begins.) I highlighted my personality. I posted current pictures. I focused on what I was looking for. Many men responded. I’m average looking to some, below average looking to others, and some think I’m cute. I’m not a traditional beauty, by any stretch of the imagination. Authenticity is attractive to many more men than you realize.

    And, wait for it…wait for it….

    We were both in our late 40s. (We are now in our early 50s.)

    I know the OP is feeling bored. I’d say, change your perspective and then make a decision.

    I have two theories about someone being boring. First, men cannot read our minds. If we take the initiative and suggest fun activities, many times they’ll follow. Boring is as boring does. Some people are more skilled at jazzing it up than others. If you’re bored, take the initiative and see if he follows.

    Second, sometimes two nice people are just not compatible. Pure and simple. It’s okay. Move along, if that is the issue.

    There are a lot of jerks and psycho gals in the world. It’s true. On the flip side, if   you look for good you’ll find it. It may take time to find that nice person who “does it” for you, but he/she is out there. In the meanwhile, work on yourself to ensure that you’re a good partner because, in essence, all of us have baggage.

    While I made concessions, there are no deal breakers here. We’ve worked through all the new relationship issues. From the get-go, we formed a good team.

    I’m glad we found each other. Had I based my decision to date him based on physical attraction alone, I never would have gone on that first date.

    That is all. Carry on.

     

     

  6. 46
    Anonymous

    Sounds like I could have written this myself. However I was attracted to mine. It’s only been two months for this person so true colors have not shown yet. I don’t think it’s a question of “am I into this guy” rather than maybe a gut instinct. After a few months my “Prince Charming” started getting mean. Showing signs of total narcissism. Now I’m stuck in a toxic cycle of narcissist abuse. Mental and emotional.   Then he turns into Prince Charming again to woo me back. I’m not saying all nice guys are narcissists. But in my generation of dating it seems common. And my guy is 37 as well.

    1. 46.1
      Karmic Equation

      Why are you still in your toxic relationship with your narcissist?

      To flip that on end…think about it this way, what kind of person stays in toxic relationships with men they deem  to be mean and selfish?

      Women shouldn’t be complaining or explaining about being in relationships like these. She should be questioning herself in why she hasn’t left the loser yet.

      That would yield better and more meaningful results than “trying to make the relationship work because she loves him.” Love is NOT a good enough reason to keep a relationship going if your partner is a bad partner.

       

      1. 46.1.1
        Christine

        I think your questions were rhetorical but I’ll answer them anyway–the women who stick with those relationships are the ones with false hope!   When I was with a narcissist, he also knew how to turn into Prince Charming again, so I wouldn’t leave.   Those moments filled me with false hope that maybe, just maybe, it could work after all.

        To all those women out there, please do me (and yourselves) a favor and leave, as I finally did when I had enough.   And do it sooner rather than later, before you get even more emotionally attached and it becomes harder to leave.

  7. 47
    Cosibella

    When I read  “So he usually gets involved with psychos that latch on to him.”

    Hmmm.   Really?

    Be careful.   He could be a bait and switcher.   Playing Mr. Perfect first.      Then, once he’s certain of your attachment, very gradually switching and stopping doing all the nice things.   Slowly managing your expectations down.   Before you know it he’ll be unrecognizable and calling all the shots.   If he’s one of these types he will be VERY GOOD at   finding   a way to make you attached to and dependent on him.   Addicted even.   It happened to me and I started out with the same indifferent attitude you did.   Never happened to me before or since.

    With theses types, once he has you where he wants you – then you become a toy to play   head games with for his own gratification.   And you’ll wonder how on God’s earth you ever got to this place.

    Some people are like this.   They play very effective psychological games with people for sport.   It makes them feel important and powerful.   They’re good at it and have done it over and over again.   Maybe he does just have bad luck with women and ends up with ‘psycho’s’.   But then again he could have something to do   with that ‘psycho’ behavior.

    This is pure speculation of course and you sound like the kind of person who would kick him to the curb as soon as any gradual   rot starts to set in.   But just wanted to present the possibility of this outcome.

  8. 48
    Silvercloud

    I don’t think you’re a bad person or necessarily looking for a man that will mistreat you simply because you aren’t into this particular guy, nice as he is….there are lots of nice people in the world and we don’t necessarily connect with all of them in a profound way.   I wonder though, if you are as independent as you say, why you are agonizing over this so much…if you really are okay with being alone and he isn’t doing it for you, why the hand wringing about letting him go to someone who will actually be able to truly care about him?   She’s out there you know…contrary to what some people here claim, in my experience, nice guys usually do find partners that love and appreciate them.   Also, maybe you should figure out whether you want to be with a guy long-term before you introduce him to your kids and go on “family outings” together…you should consider the impact on them of your casually bringing potential partners into your life…

  9. 49
    Jane bird

    Any guy who describes all or any of his exes as ‘psycho’ is not someone who (a) is capable of understanding people, women, or grasp the idea of self-respect. (b) nor does he have any respect for people he chooses to build a relationship with (c) he blames the othe party without taking any responsibility or wondering what he could have done better to make things work. (d) how he will probably describe you once you dump him to his next victim.

    I find it really rude above all and shows a lack of insight, or any attempt at trying to learn, grow, better oneself after failure.   It’s like watching a cucumber on calculus listening to him.

    Any person  who describes someone they once had an intimate relationship with as ‘psycho’ (aka i have no idea what happened in my last relatioships. None if it is my fault. It’s failure is due to someone else’s deficiencies. I havent thought about it, nor do i care, next.) is either, still not ready to be in a new relationship, and or has little or no hope for improving or solving problems. Relatiosnhips are hard. Love is complex and beautiful. They take time to build, create, establish. They are forever a work in progress. This guy will never grow is my guess.

     

    Which is fine, if that’s what you are looking for in a lifelong partner, or plan on using him as a hatrack in the years to come.

    Otherwise, i’d keep looking.

     

    1. 49.1
      Karmic Equation

      A guy can be the nicest of guys, doing everything the woman wants. And she can still be a psycho.

      My bf dated was engaged to one. From the few things he’s told me about her, I suspect she was cheating on him — She constantly accused him of cheating; I also had a bf who constantly accused ME of cheating, when I was very suspicious of HIM cheating — so I strongly believe when you’re a stand-up person who doesn’t cheat but who has a partner who accuses you of cheating, that’s a tell-tale heart scenario. They’re accusing you to alleviate the guilt they feel for having cheated on. And they’re accusing you so that if you’re spending all your time defending yourself, you’re not spending anytime looking at THEIR behavior.

      Anyway, just as there are women who almost consistently choose “bad boys” to date, there are men who consistently choose “psychos” to date.

      The fact that you blame the guy for your behavior is a classic psycho defense.

      Similar to the way men who are abusers blame their women’s behavior as the what provoked them to commit abuse.

      If a person is predisposed to being an abuser or a psycho, it doesn’t take a whole lot to set them off. OTOH, for people who are NOT predisposed to being an abuser or a psycho — usually it takes an act of god (e.g., some sort of brain trauma or brain disease) to make them one.

    2. 49.2
      ScottH

      I describe all of my exes as psycho or crazy.   My ex-wife has BPD.   My first gf after divorce was a classic commitment-phobe.   She even told me she had a fear of relationships but I didn’t understand how someone who was dating and actively looking for a relationship would be afraid of one.   It made no sense to me so I kept trying.   Talk about a crazy woman.   My 2nd gf after divorce also gave me signs that she was a commitment-phobe after a couple months of dating and she eventually cut and ran.   She turned on a dime.   So yes, IMO, it can be “all their fault.”   What could I have done to make things better?   Beats the hell out of me when they’re the ones who are kooky.

      My current gf of 5+ months seems to be the first normal one.   I started to wonder if there were any.   I’ve even thrown some curveballs her way to see how she would react and she passed with flying colors, better than I could have hoped for.

      As far as not having self-respect, there is a fine line between maintaining self respect and sticking in there being hopeful and working on the relationship.

      1. 49.2.1
        Karmic Equation

        The BPD gal was certifiably crazy. lol

        I’m not sure I could categorize a commitment-phobe, man or woman, as “psycho”, though. That’s a little strong.

        That said, if people think men who are offered casual sex, but refuse it, as “crazy”, then it would make sense for those people to consider a woman who is afraid of commitment as “crazy”.

        Other than that, crazy and pyscho are adjectives for women who key cars or boil bunnies, and the stuff in between. IMO anyways.

  10. 50
    betteralone

    I’m so glad I’m not dating in this world, all that bullshit is not for me haha

    1. 50.1
      say it

      well just grow up.

      Relationships can be difficult. Avoiding them to just be alone is immature if you ask me.

  11. 51
    Anya

    Hey guys, I’ve just started dating a guy who is really nice but he is just so uninteresting and boring. I am making a conscious effort to get to know him but if I’m bored now after about 5 weeks, what will it be like in 5 months, let alone 5 years!

    He does exactly the same as Diana’s man. He’s sweet, buys flowers, even wrote a song and bought a website for me. Now I feel trapped! Or should I say obliged to stay with him.

    I’m 45 young at heart with a sense of fun. Sagi. But I fear I will always be on my own cause the ‘right’ guy just doesn’t seem to come along. It’s a tough one isn’t it?

    1. 51.1
      Jason

      Youre selfish. The guy you THINK you want isnt out there. Just appreciate the guy and stay safe or live in a world of confusion and hurt knowing that you didnt APPRECIATE the guy you have now. Trust me on this. Now go get your boring safe man and make a REAL effort to get to know him. Make him feel comfortable that you arent out to judge him but you want him to open up more. Or reget it forever.

      1. 51.1.1
        Adreana

        She is selfish for being honest with herself? For wanting a guy that makes her happy? Sorry, but relationships aren’t charity work. If she stays with him she will end up resenting him, and he will feel awful about himself.

        If you are ok having a relationship with a   boring  woman kudos to you! Just because you gave up on the possibility of an exciting, loving relationship doesn’t mean the rest of us will…

        If a GROWN man hasn’t learned to open up and be fun by 5 weeks , he probably never will. Time to be realistic instead of hoping the frog will turn into a prince someday.

  12. 52
    Jessa

    women like this dissappoint the hell out of me

  13. 53
    Bart

    Am I the only one who challenges Diana on what she brings to the relationship? If you live an interesting life, you will meet interesting people. From the beginning you will be attracted to the fact that your lifestyles match.

    Diana praises her boyfriend for ‘writing letters, washing her car and taking her out for dinner’.  That sounds really boring, and I mean ‘that sounds really boring for her boyfriend’. Where is the fun stuff in your life that you share with him? If you have nothing to share apart from your life as a mother around your children, than don’t expect men with more interesting lifestyles to be attracted to you.

    In my own dating experience I found this mindblowing: women with boring lifestyles who expect to find an interesting man.

  14. 54
    Katey

    The best way to tell if someone is right for you is to judge your own reaction to a phone call from them. After many years with the right kind of guy, you will still feel excited to see them calling.

    If after only a few months with someone you don’t want to answer their calls or feel suffocated (despite them being really lovely), then he’s not for you. No matter how much he washes your car or plays with your kids, you need to look forward to his calls & snuggling up to him.

    I’ve been married & am older and wiser than I used to be. I wish someone had given me this advice a long time ago.

  15. 55
    Nissa

    It surprises me that women are not recognizing this for what it is: women aren’t interested in men that lack confidence. In spite of the fact that they do like these men and are drawn to those men’s ‘nice’ qualities, they can’t get past the lack of confidence.

    Men are attracted to confidence. Women are attracted to confidence. Insecure, needy people tend to overdo giving to make the other person like them. That’s not being nice. It’s being needy, and it kills desire every time, no matter the gender.

  16. 56
    Nikki

    I love my nice guy but he is not intimate nor is he passionate. I can’t hold a deep conversation with him without him quickly shutting down. We’ve been together for 2 years, I’m still holding on because I’m so attracted and drawn to him. Its rare for me to feel so drawn to a person. I have a 7 yr old son from a previous relationship and they just don’t bond like he bonds and loves his 2 children from a divorce.   I take care of his as my own as he works 12 hrs 6 days a week. It hurts that he doesnt care for my son in the same way. He’s so good to me and he’s so intelligent. How he can’t hold an intellectual conversation or even start one is beyond me. I’m very eccentric and artistic and we don’t share the same interests other than our future goals, and hobbies. We are both quiet but i need someone to help me open up, he never tries. Being with him is as awkward as being with a group of friends and they suddenly leave me alone with the quiet guy in the corner whose been checking out my friend. I don’t feel interested nor do I feel he’s interested in me. But then again, he is the nice guy. He bought me a new truck, proposed, knocked me up, and is in the process of buying us our first house. He’s a catch, right?

  17. 57
    Sarah

    So I’m 22, and you have all successfully horrified me lol.

    1. 57.1
      say it

      lol. You are still young.

  18. 58
    Catherine

    Diana, suitors will continue to line up for the rest of your life, never mind into your 30s. Once you work out what is really good for you, what you really want and need and who you really are – and you bring that authenticity to all your encounters, sit back and relax: those suitors will keep on coming…

  19. 59
    Stars

    I’m just 21 and all, sorry, but I really find a lot of the comments disturbing so I just had to say something.

    Yes, even if you have children and are older than 30, you do have the right to be happy and choose the man that can provide this.

    However, realistically, your options tend to narrow down as most men may be more hesitant considering the amount of commitment necessary to enter a relationship with you. No that doesn’t mean your hopeless or less popular, it varies from person to person. Mosylt of the time, it may just be harder to find a committed relationship, but hey, you don’t really need to waste your time on guys who aren’t willing to take the commitment. Not really a loss.

    Another thing, there is NO perfect guy. Guys aren’t a check list. Don’t seek out a man who is this and that. Find a man you’re attracted to and makes you happy and work hard to make it work out. Above anything else a relationship requires people who care about making it work.

    Note: it is not your mans responsibility to make you feel a certain way.

    Wait. Is that contradictory to what I said? Eh, not really. When I say that I mean, change your mindset. Thinking this way leads to resentment. Always know that you have the capacity to control how you respond to things. Sometimes, your boredom stems from the fact that you no longer feel “you”, so give yourself some alone time. Do your own shit. Have a life. Do things that don’t bore you. Invite him to do things you like, but he may be hesitant to try. You might end up really happy.

    If not…

    Well, maybe you should rethink the relationship. Don’t give up till you tried everything. Don’t throw in the towel till you’ve lost all hope. Do throw the towel if he’s not willing to work on the relationship. Do self evaluate. Do be honest with him and tell him your concerns. Learn how to say things. Never just be honest. Say what you think in a way that respects him. Don’t force him to change. He is a man, not something that exists for your convenience. He will change on his own accord when he realizes that he should.

    Patience.

    Sometimes patience is all we need. My guy used to talk me down when he’d get mad. But when he realized that I wasn’t letting him get to me, and that I understood well that he had anger management issues. He ended up respecting me even more, and changing because of it. He no longer does that. Because I remained level headed at his worst moments, he felt I deserved the best of him. No you don’t have to do what I did. This is just me, I have longer patience than most. And 0 fucks to give when someone’s being immature. My point is just…man will change for the right woman. Not for the perfect woman, but for the woman they want. No need to force him and constantly badger him, why are you not like this or that. Or worse! Compare him to another guy. And yes, it is still bad to yell at him and show your disappointment at how he used to be this and that. Tell him your problems in a nice way, because this is more effective.

    Oops don’t hate. I’m not saying all the responsibility should be on the shoulders of women. He needs to work too. If he ever hits you, please leave. If he doesn’t respect you, leave. Etc etc.

    Know who you’re with. Is he mature or immature? Understanding how far he is into maturing can also help in understanding how to handle him. Always seek to learn more. Like us, men constantly change too. The man you fell for on the first date, may not be the guy your dating months later, that’s not necessarily bad, but it is important to notice.

    Love. Just love. Stop hating so much. Stop being so judgemental. Start listening, start understanding. Lower your pride some, to make way for love.

    1. 59.1
      Kanga

      At my age – I wouldn’t let a man get away with an angry outburst that had him talking down to me. I married a man with anger management problems at 21 and thought that with less pride, more patience and letting him know he couldn’t get to me would see him respect me more…. lol…. He changed alright – into a silent brooding passive aggressive man with seething anger underneath.   Good luck and I honestly mean that. I hope he really has changed for your sake.

  20. 60
    Klynn

    Omg. Going thru the same. I was cheated on after 21 years by my highschool sweetheart, 3 states, far far from family and 2 kids. FF to good guy I should commit too? And I just can’t. I do wish he would back off. And I’ve said this, but he doesn’t. How long do I give that?! Until I can’t stand any more? Be patient for 3 months, 6 month, years? I was a  patient supportive wife. I’m running around finding myself and scared I’ll b upset later in life…..

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *