(Video) The Illusion of Chemistry


You’ve seen me write about it, but here’s what it sounds like when I do it live. As always, your comments are appreciated.

Join our conversation (16 Comments).
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  1. 1

    Really makes me sad though. I met someone last year who was nice, but not wow. But as we went out, I really came to like and appreciate who he was, and fell for him. He, on the other hand, though I was great, enjoyed spending time with me, etc. but wasn’t “feeling it”. In his words, “even murkier is when you think you should feel something and don’t, and wished he could say more but lack of feelings is hard to put your finger on.” And that its not something you can rationalize, you can’t choose whom to love, but that it comes from the heart. Meanwhile, in the past, he’s fallen for a multi-married femme fatale, and another time for an alcholic. Go figure trying to figure it out.

  2. 2

    So, so true! I agree 100%. The men I’ve had the most chemistry with are dust in the wind. My current boyfriend… still here! We have a connection that goes way beyond chemistry. I see the actual person and not the by-product of “chemistry.” This has been more real than anything I have ever experienced. No matter what happens, I will never look at chemistry the same way again, and I would not bet the success of any relationship on it. Thanks, Evan!

  3. 3

    Thank you for sharing this video Evan. I think most of my life I’ve been with men who I had strong chemistry with, but at the end I broke up the relationship because I was not getting what I needed. I know there should be some chemistry there, but it’s not the basis of a relationship. What advice would you give a chemistry junkie who wants to give up this pattern to find a good healthy long lasting relationship?

  4. 4
    Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach

    Evan – great video on chemistry! I talk with my dating coaching clients about this demand for instant chemistryand they just insist on it and must have it. I have found that this type of chemistry can relate to the “bad boy syndrome” which some women succumb to as well. When a client says to me, “He’s got to have that twinkle in his eye,” that’s the tip off she is looking for a man who is “interesting” which usually translates into emotionally unavailable, aloof and trouble. Thanks for making this so simple and clear!

  5. 5

    I think you make a good point for any person that is basing their whole relationship on any single trait- it’s not a good plan. I factor in chemistry just like I factor in personality, character, hobbies, etc. It’s a piece of the puzzle for me, a crucial piece, but not the whole thing.
    The ability to leave people alone, even if you have good chemistry with them, when they are not otherwise a fit is what trips people up.
    This is actually why i think a list is a good plan: if you’ve already given thought to and decided what your dealbreakers are ahead of time, you will hopefully be able to stick to that despite whatever chemistry you are feeling for the new person that comes along.

  6. 6

    As a client of Evan’s, I can tell you that is EXACTLY what dating coaching did for me. Broke me of chasing chemistry first and foremost above everything else.
    You sound like me. And I think I’d still be chasing it if Evan hadn’t given me new tools and a new outlook on men. I would’ve been the LAST person to think I need dating coaching because there’s never a shortage of men in my life. But Evan gave me the criteria in which to weed out the ones that would cause me pain in the long run and how to go for the ones who were truly boyfriend material.
    I’m eternally greatful to Evan as my dating coach
    (sounds like an ad I know..but I just love what he’s done for me THAT much).

  7. 7
    Isabelle Archer

    Stupid question but…how do you know if you like someone if you are not following “chemistry”? Or are liking and chemistry two different things?

  8. 8

    I think it’s important to define what you mean by chemistry. If it’s a lightening bolt of electricity and lust that overrides everything else, not good. But if it’s mutual sexual attraction combined with a genuine liking for each other, then you might have something. Since it takes a bit of time with dating to get to know someone, too great a reliance on chemistry can be very disillusioning.

    I would be very interested to hear from men on this subject!

  9. 9

    If I don’t watn to go to bed with her i wont go out with her. Period. but htere are plenty of women who make the cut. 🙂

  10. 10
    Karl R

    Ruby said: (#8)
    “I would be very interested to hear from men on this subject!”

    I think men have an easier time with this, because men’s judgment is primarily clouded by attractiveness and sex (which are easier to separate from more important criteria). If my relationship makes sense without those two elements, then I’m probably pursuing a worthwhile relationship.

    I realize that my judgment is clouded by looks and sex, so I try to evaluate the relationship by other criteria:
    How does she treat me?
    Do I trust her? Can I confide in her?
    Do I respect her opinion?
    Do we have similar values?
    If a guy had her personaltiy, would I like him?

    I can answer most of these questions by observation, not just by feelings. That gives me greater objectivity.

  11. 11

    Karl #10

    Thanks! I ask this because I think that a woman might date a guy she’s not really attracted to, if he’s nice, hoping to become more attracted over time. In general, I don’t believe that a man will do this. Sounds like you and Joe are confirming this, although your criteria are a bit more strict than his!

  12. 12

    @ #5

    The problem with lists is that they become Santa Claus wish lists that are impossible to fill. Often with qualities that don’t go together in the same person.
    Otherwise I agree with you. Having a realistic idea of what you want starting off will help you avoid many mistakes and get what you want.

  13. 13

    In general, men are more aware that their “judgment is clouded by looks and sex.” Even the fair-minded woman who would go out with a nice guy who initially does not turn her on is unlikely to go out with the same man if initially his exterior actively turns her off. There is much research showing how it actually works, though little if any formal evidence that women make more relationship mistakes due to “chemistry.” Maybe the problem is that it’s often harder for women to tell if they are physiologically attracted, unless so attracted that it’s basically mind-altering.

  14. 14

    Chemistry? For a man?…..simply put,…, when, blood starts flowing to certain parts of the his body….

  15. 15

    I really liked this video.. because i am definitely one of those people that always say… there was no chemistry.   But what about if you kiss them… and it didn’t feel right?   LOL or is there a rule to kissing… like a 5 strikes you out rule? just a thought.

  16. 16

    So how do you have sex with a man that you think is smart and nice but you don’t have that feeling of excitement and passion for him. Evan, are you telling me to have sex with a man I feel that way about? That sounds like I would be forcing myself to do so.

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