Want the Man Who Wants You!

Want the Man Who Wants You!Have you ever dated a man who fulfilled every quality on your mental checklist?

*      He’s tall.

*      He’s cute.

*      He’s intelligent.

*      He’s successful.

*      He’s funny.

*      He’s kind.

The feeling you get when you’re around this guy is amazing; you might even call it love.

In fact, let’s call it love.

Yes, let’s say that you are completely in love with this amazing man. To you, he is virtually flawless. And who am I to argue?

There’s only one nagging issue:

This man doesn’t love you back.

Time to let go of that man who has a hold on you, even though he doesn’t make any effort to make you feel special. Until you do, you’re emotionally hung up, and preventing yourself from finding true love – the kind where a man actually GIVES to you.

There’s no reason to wait for something that’s not happening.

The man who doesn’t love you the way you love him is WORTHLESS.

Don’t feel alone. Your condition is universal. Thousands of songs have been written about unrequited love, and they all have the same unhappy ending.

I’m just asking you to think about YOUR unrequited love.

Maybe he’s a co-worker whom you’ve had a crush on for the longest time.

Maybe he’s a friend who you’ve secretly been falling for.

Maybe he’s even your boyfriend – the man who’s been with you for 6 months.

Doesn’t matter.

The man who doesn’t love you the way you love him is WORTHLESS.

You KNOW you’re not getting as much love as you’re giving, but you put up with it anyway.


Because, to you, it beats the alternative: breaking up with him, feeling sad, and going back to the dating pool once again.

So even though you’re with a man who is essentially using you, you’re okay with it. Or you blind yourself to it, and pretend it’s not happening.

Oh, it’s happening.

Every day you spend with a man who doesn’t love you as you love him, you’re playing it safe, you’re playing it scared, and you’re wasting your precious time.

Somehow, you would rather give your love to a man who has no intentions of marrying you …than to free yourself up to search for the man who WILL one day marry you.

Doesn’t that sound just a bit “off” to you?

Sorry, but life is too short to spend getting the short end of the relationship stick.

It’s like a guy pining for that same woman who thinks of him as “just a friend” – spending years getting close to her, in hopes that one day, she changes her mind about him. If that man were your best friend, you’d tell him to move on to a woman who appreciated why he was amazing, instead of steadfastly waiting for her to recognize that he’s been the man of her dreams all along.

I love John Hughes and Judd Apatow movies, but that sweet, nerdy guy usually DOESN’T get the class princess, and should probably find the sweet, nerdy girl who thinks he’s amazing, wouldn’t you agree?

And that’s the unfortunate part about dating – it often creates a power dynamic that is unhealthy. You undoubtedly recognize it.

You like the man who is more unavailable. You respect him more. He’s more challenging. And yet you never know where you stand with him.

When you find the guy who instantly communicates to you that you’re the woman of his dreams, it’s way too easy. He bores you. He’s not challenging enough.

It works the same way for men. The woman who declares her love on date 1 will scare the hell out of him. The woman who makes him work for it a little bit will be the one who wins his heart.

As a result, you have this push-pull dynamic in dating where you’re supposed to be available, but not too available. Flirty but not too easy. Authentic but not saying everything on your mind. Relationship-oriented but not pushing for commitment too soon.

No wonder dating is so difficult!

You’ve probably heard that old adage that tells women to find a man who loves you more than you love him.

The idea behind this is not to create an unequal relationship where he praises the ground you walk on and you have absolutely no respect for him.

No, the idea behind “find a man who loves you more” is really about ensuring that he’s truly devoted to you.

And, if you’re like many of my amazing women clients, you always end up with really impressive men…who don’t make a really impressive effort to be devoted.

Sorry, but life is too short to spend getting the short end of the relationship stick.

My client, Melissa, is a thirtysomething doctor in South Florida. She came to me two months ago, burned out on dating, frustrated by Match.com, confused about what role she played in all of the frustrating results she was getting.

She kept ending up with attractive, fit, charismatic men who didn’t make her feel attractive, didn’t make her feel safe, didn’t make her feel loved.

Two months into coaching, she’s got a new boyfriend. They met on Match and have been together for about a month. He’s already cooked her dinner, brought her chicken soup when she got the flu, and stuck by her when her father had to go to the hospital.

Yet THAT’s the man that you very often lose respect for: the guy who treats you well, the guy who is emotionally available, the guy who earnestly tries to win you over.

He’s devoted, in every sense of the word.

It’s clear, from his actions, that he feels like HE’s the lucky one – and he’s doing everything in his power to prove to her that he’s worthy.

THAT’s the man you want in your life.

Yet THAT’s the man that you very often lose respect for: the guy who treats you well, the guy who is emotionally available, the guy who earnestly tries to win you over.

It’s not nearly as exciting as the man who keeps you on your toes because you never know where you stand. His very UNavailability is part of what makes him so attractive.

But boy, is it unfulfilling to invest so much time in a man who doesn’t give you the security you deserve.

The moral of the story is NOT to find some wishy-washy guy who puts you on a pedestal. Believe me, I appreciate it if you’re uncomfortable finding a man who loves you more.

Feel free to take off the last word if you want.

Just promise me you’ll “find a man who loves you”…not just a man whom you love.

It’s possible – but it takes an effort to do things differently. You’re not alone.

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  1. 91

    @Margo #87,

    My tone was harsher than I meant for it to be when I responded to your post.  I apologize for that.  I didn’t mean to be so contentious.

  2. 92

    Starthrower, no need for apologies. I didn’t take your post as hostile in any way. You were just telling it like it is. 🙂

  3. 93

    Hmm! I would like to see less critiquing of others opinions and more of your own!
    I am a 50 something single white female and am constantly being pursued by younger men.  Men with morals, integrity and excellent salaries are available in all age groups.  I don’t want a fling, but am looking for that person that I am attracted to on all levels:emotional, physical and intellectual.  There are some real jerks in the dating world, and there are some real psychos, and there are some real losers, and there are some really great guys out there for those willing to sift through the dross.  Sometimes you just can’t tell the difference until you get to know them, and the outcome is not always pleasant.  Just because someone wants you, doesn’t mean you want them.  The real challenge is in knowing the difference and discovering that person that wants you and that you want; that is matched morally to you and that wants to be loved and love.  There are some men that just want to be “playboys” and there are some women who consistently move from one short term relationship to another, having no intention of becoming a LTR.  You can’t tell the difference with them sometimes either, until getting to know them.  You can feel that your time is wasted, but I choose to think of my time as well spent, because I am looking and seeking the one that is right for me.  Yay!  I am making the effort to go out with different types of men to discover that one.  And he is willing to meet with me to discover if I am the one for him.  Isn’t that what dating is supposed to be about anyway?

  4. 94

    In my case, more than once, once I started responding to guys who were acting like they were into me or want me, once I started showing I liked them, they stopped being into me and gave me the cold shoulder, which is frankly even more painful for me…

    Juniper @ 91 brings up something that’s been brought up and brought up by ladies, and not just in this thread.  Yet it continues to go unaddressed …

  5. 95

    Now you know what it is like being a guy! Every male experiences of responding to women/girls (yes, this goes all the way back to middle school) who were acting like they were into us, and then get shut down. Turns out we weren’t responding to interest. We read too much into whatever they were doing. No doubt in Juniper’s case she is misreading these men.  Yes, it does smart.  You have to  get used to it or resign yourself to being single aeturnus/aeturna.

  6. 96

    Perhaps a better title for this blog post would be “Don’t Want the Man Who Doesn’t Want You!”

  7. 97

    I agree with much of what Evan is saying, but I have to challenge this a bit. I had been with one guy for almost 5 years that wanted to marry me (and called me since our break up) and he put me on a pedestal.
    At the same time, though, there were a number of red flags. I eventually realized he was critical at times of me and my friends and just had no ambition. He also carried a lot of financial debt. The final dealbreaker involved a relative of mine and he was upset that I wouldn’t agree to what he wanted.
    So right now, I’m just going to date for fun, I will state what I want and don’t want. And if the guy doesn’t want it or can’t compromise, that’s fine.

  8. 98

    reading he topic i can confirm its true. i have been in a relationship with someone who had other friends which were ladies he is very kind and helpful to everyone. He left his e-mails open and I read loving messages to a few women with such romantic words he has never used for me. he know sI have read them and feels awful but assures me he loves me. I can’t get rid of the messages from my head but find it hard to make the break. this is the third time I have lived apparantly a double life with men carrying on behind my back,     I think its now time to ditch men completely they can never be trusted but how do I  get through the break?

  9. 99
    khushboo patel

    Excellent post Evan……I have just realised my mistake……will b following what u have suggested….

  10. 100
    Tell Me Something new

    So, I met him in the summer of 2013 and he lives pretty close as he’s in my area code. I’d crossed him a few times on my path and initially thought that he looks like a volatile man and that he wouldn’t be suitable for a relationship. In other words, I wrote him off, but still thought that there was something attractive about him.

    Anyway, we got talking when we bumped into on another one day and it didn’t take him long before he started using sex in the subject if conversation.

    We became ‘friends’ minus the benefits, although he did keep coming round to my place trying to initiate sexual contact, only to be blown off time after time – I’m not talking blow jobs here Evan, I’m talking about two letter word called NO.

    So things were pretty bad sometimes, as he seemed to have a bad attitude towards me and I can’t even beging to articulate half of the nasty abusive things said and the way he treated me. It was awful, I was low, was already in therapy for other reasons, but I hadn’t socialized for almost 4 years due to moving into a new area and life circumstances – plus I’m guessing that I must have spiritual/psychological blocks of some sort.

    Any how, it was pretty much hurting and helping at the same time as I could feel my strength of character transforming by having him in my life – as if I was subconsciously becoming more of whom I needed to become on a personal level, as he doesn’t give a f* what any one thinks where as I ovelry cared to an anxiety.

    I didn’t think that would ever have sex with him, but did after 6 1/2 months – although he thinks its 7 for some reason. I WASN’T looking for a relationship or any commitment at any point, but still had feelings for him, so defiently couldn’t do friends with benefits – hell no and happily told him so. The best scenario from the situation was to major spiritual life lessons and I knew that from the onset.

    So we slept together less than a handful of times… one time he left his coat and knocked in the morning, so I told him that I don’t value friends with benefits so need to spend time on my life now and he may as well do his own thing.

    He went and then came back – can’t remeber what was said, but thought, well he can’t say anything really as I’m entitled to live my life without anyone crossing my boundaries.

    I happily tidied my has and thought to myself, well this is finally the end of it after X amount of time and expereinces, but he came back round on the night and was showing me a ton more respect.

    We had many bad experiences from my perspective and of him being disrespectful, but decided that I really want to cut him out now as its a new year and have so many new plans so can’t afford the time and being in his presence only takes me back to what I’m trying to move on from.

    I told the last time we were busy ‘connecting’ that this was it and that I want to move on with my life and he went off in a strop and said that he can’t win and not to moan when there is a car at his on Saturday – meaning someone else.

    So, thats the point where it ended last, and there was a car, and I’m secretly glad deep down inside, but needing to repair a brocken ego and thinking over stuff.

    I realised in my own mind that I was feeling bad for so long because it was my bodys way of promoting him to move away from him, but also felt some level of attachment to him as he had positive traits also, such as he was funny and got me socialized again, plus I have a’lot more attitude and won’t take any crap off others now. Its as if he forced me to change the dynamics in my own psychology where I was fearful to make those personal changes, so never been more freere and authentic, even though my ego is slightly hurting inside and rements of feelings are still left over.

    Nevertheless, I know now that I have no unfinished buissnes left with him, plus other issues from my past have been resolved thanks to that expereince. And he said that he won’t knock again, so I’m going to spend the next 1-2 years bettering every aspect of my life, so I can become the most high value version of myself as refuse to ever be treated so poorly again, and genuinely aspire to find what the woman in this article found. Although I don’t feel ready for it yet so will probably be on my own for the next 3-4 years.

  11. 101
    Tom Powell

    I’m sorry, I can’t begin to tell you how worthless this is. How badly are you degrading men? Think about it, This can happen in the inverse, but we don’t call women worthless, I fail to see how this is a solution to any problem people are searching for. If someone doesn’t love you, you cant blame anyone. Tell yourself that you need to respect people wishes, and that even if they are your dream partner, that doesn’t mean you are theirs. I’m not saying it’s your fault if they don’t love you, but let’s be honest, people have other things in mind. Don’t be hard on yourself, but don’t be hard on them either, they may not be missing out on anything, and in the future, maybe you wont either. Some things, as heartbreaking as it is, aren’t meant to be. But maybe, if someone’s friendship is there, that might be all you need from them, if you ever think its too much to be friends with someone you love, then you need to change your definition of love. You cannot love someone who doesn’t love you back, you may admire whoever you want, but in the end, its better to have a friend you admire, than someone you love, but will never be loved by.

    People aren’t alive to find a partner, people are alive to have fun. One of those things happens inside the other, ill let you figure out which way around…

  12. 102

    I’m getting really hurt by a guy who said he loved me but his actions showed me I wasn’t a priority. It was so confusing because when he was with he was very present, but he was in control of when we met and spoke, I’m so drawn into this pattern. We just broke up as he wants to work on himself and change his pattern and see what happens. He says if I meet someone else he’d be fine with it he has cut his emotional ties until he sorts himself out but he may be able to offer me something but he’ll need time. In the meantime I see no sign of emotion that he misses me, he has an amazing life and travels everywhere having lots of fun. I’m a smart strong successful woman who’s now in trauma care because this stuff has triggered me inside, and still I stick around waiting for him to come back, taking the crumbs. I saw Evan say in a YouTube clip that we all think we are the exception to the rule, he meant it in the context of looking for our right guy but I think it applies here in a different way. I think I don’t see my guy objectively, I think I see that it’s the sweet guy who deserves all the time he needs to gather his thoughts. He’s not so bad? If I saw a friends guy behave like this of tell her to kick him out of touch but there’s a barrier when I think of telling this guy. I’d feel guilty, I’d feel sad like I’d betrayed him. My father behaves the same way, the penny drops! I’ve put up with this and thought my efforts at enabling negligence to be noble and necessary. Time to shift a few patterns?! I think so! Thanks Evan.

  13. 103

    So true Evan. The unavailable men are the ones that break our hearts and could never love us more. I am so over these types of men.

  14. 104

    The man who doesn’t give you the treatment you deserve or security can be charismatic and all-talk to a default.  I had an experience like many women it seems with this type of man, and found out that he was disrespecting me on social media because he was surprised that I was still attracted to him and wouldn’t leave him considering how he treated me.  It was a double-blow and hard lesson.  But I didn’t forget the humiliation, nor the pity I got from our mutual friends.  For some reason, he ended up looking like a stud even though he lied to me and used me.  Trust is the foundation in relationships but you have to keep looking for mutual respect and love to be there in clear sight.

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