Why Attracting The Wrong Men Isn’t The Real Problem


This is the second video based on the questions YOU wanted answered in my big survey. Last week, I shared with you the revelation that men are about feelings, not just looks. And that the reason a man will want to marry you has everything to do with how he feels when he’s around you. Make him feel good, and he’ll want to say. Make him feel bad, well, you know the rest.

That idea was not to say that you’ve done anything wrong — you might be the sweetest, most loving, perfect girlfriend ever. I just think it’s surprising to women that men are really driven by their feelings — namely, how they feel around you.

Which is a perfect segue to today’s video, in which you will definitely find yourself nodding your head. After you listen to what I have to say, I’m confident you are going to save yourself YEARS of wasted time in the future.

You Don’t Attract the Wrong Men. You ACCEPT The Wrong Men.

What happens when you find yourself incredibly attracted to a man? Well, there’s the feeling of chemistry and everything that comes along with it — the obsessive highs that come with wanting to be with him, the joy of feeling incredibly connected, and, what you may forget, the willful blindness that allows you to overlook his flaws.

That’s one of the most miraculous things about chemistry: it allows you to focus only on the good and ignore all the bad.

This was incredibly apparent to me when I read your questions in my survey and received hundreds of comments from women attributing your relationship failures to attracting the wrong men. First of all, let’s get one thing straight…

MOST men are the wrong men. If you were an average woman, you’d be able to be with an average man and be content. Since you’re an above average woman — smart, strong, successful – your standards are going to go up accordingly.

By this point, you’ve forgotten the third rule of chemistry: it allows you to focus only on the good and ignore all the bad.

So if, by your standards, 95% of men are the WRONG men, it makes it that much harder to find ANY guy to date, and makes each new man who does qualify seem all the more important. Once a guy passes through your strong chemistry filter, he’s in.

By this point, you’ve forgotten the third rule of chemistry: it allows you to focus only on the good and ignore all the bad.

Which is why you can have incredible chemistry and end up in a TERRIBLE relationship, where he doesn’t call you, doesn’t sleep with you, doesn’t compliment you, doesn’t make you feel safe, and doesn’t commit to you.

But you stick around because of how strong your rare FEELINGS are. You’ve now discovered the real secret to why you’re in dead end relationships:

You don’t attract the wrong men, you accept the wrong men.

If you consistently find yourself in relationships with liars, cheaters, addicts, leeches, or commitmentphobes, your job isn’t to get them to stop lying, cheating, drinking, mooching or committing. Your job is to leave.

At a certain point, it’s not his fault for being fundamentally flawed.

It’s your fault for thinking that your chemistry is powerful enough to change your broken relationship. Remember, most men are the wrong men. Men with chemistry are the ones who break through, but you give them a free pass.

You’ll never stop attracting the wrong men, but starting now, you can stop ACCEPTING the bad behavior of the wrong men… and save yourself years of heartbreak and pain.

Join our conversation (116 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 21
    Karl R

    sayanta said: (#19)
    “I think a case of a guy not giving off some kind of sign, however minute, of being bad in the first 2 or 3 dates is very VERY rare.”

    If you go that far, you’ll probably rule out everyone … even the good men/women. Everyone has something wrong with them.

    My little sister has been estranged from our parents for over 15 years. She’s been happily married for 10 years. While I agree that it’s a yellow flag that shouldn’t be ignored, it doesn’t necesarily mean that the person is incapable of a lasting relationship.

  2. 22


    that was just an example just to throw something out there- I’m not talking about people having nothing wrong with them, but just the intuitive feeling that someone wouldn’t make a good b-friend for you

  3. 23

    Jackie #20-

    Re: your first line… for real?

    How ru defining bad?

  4. 24

    I had filled out the survey and one response to a question was that I felt I had settled during my life. This today makes me feel like you listened, it is another way to say it.
    Thank you.

  5. 25

    Evan, I appreciate your answer.

    You’ve written it yourself. Women are the ones who pay for dating/related forums and writings. Their side gets told. The truth is not that men do shitty things to women in the dating/relationships arena . The truth is that *people* do shitty things to each other in the dating relationships arena.

    Your point, that these women have control over who they allow into their lives is golden and was extremely well put.

  6. 26


    Wow, that sounds like one ugly scene that you are witnessing. What type of dance is taught in that class?

  7. 27

    sayanta #19 wrote
    And even if a guy does behave perfectly- women have been known to ignore past behaviour (e.g. he s estranged from parents… )

    I don’t think I’ve read anything this extreme in this comments section since one woman kept insisting that people who had never been married (divorced or not ) by a certain age were damaged goods who were likely to be unsuitable for LTRs.

    Sayanta, you may have had wonderful parents growing up or parents who are decent enough to hang around despite parents being able to annoy adult children the way that they can, but not everyone has had that experience.

    Some parents are physically abusive, sending their kids to the hospital. Other parents are mentally abusive, telling kids such ugly things that they spend their lives getting over it.

    Why would someone being estranged from a person who did those kinds of things to them be worthy of a “sign”? Do you think that they would be less suitable as partners because they choose not to be around someone who caused them large amounts of pain?

  8. 28

    Sayanta #19

    But I think we get all kinds of messages from people early on, and some may be negative. We just don’t always know what they mean….do you end a relationship at the first inkling of a potential problem?

    I also wondered about the 95%. If that many men are “bad”, and even some of the ones who do jump above the 95% are “wrong”, that seems to leave a very small percentage of men. Then again, I suppose that’s true, given the number of relationships that actually end up working out…are all these men actually “bad”, or just wrong for a particular woman?

  9. 29

    I love how people are jumping on that one line of mine “estranged from parents”- and ignoring the rest of what I’m saying. For Chrissake- I threw that in under “e.g” -for example, is what that means for those who don’t know. My point was that certain things that shouldn’t be ignored very early on, do get ignored. That’s it.

    Steven- I’m not going to rehash the details of my personal upbringing here, because- well, that’ll take up the whole blog, and of course, it’s no one else’s concern. You’re absoutely right that some people have been through so much pain that it’s impossible for them to have contact with their parents. Am I saying they’re not worthy partners? No. Am I saying that they may not be the right person for me? Yes. Since I am the one who made the above comment, so naturally I came up with examples that suit me personally. This is not because I think that they’re not loving, open-hearted human beings (look at Oprah!). But you need more than love and respect in a relationship: you need shared values. And someone who’s been estranged from their parents (again, using that example ONLY because everyone’s jumped on it) probably has different ideas and issues regarding ‘family’ than I do. This won’t be a problem if you don’t want kids, but I do, and again, since I’m the one who made the comment, I’m using examples that suit me personally.

    Ruby- I think you may be missing my point. Intuition is the key word here. I realize that some people think intuition is New-Age bullcrap. I can only shrug my shoulders at that. Yes, I do believe everyone has intuition, but not everyone uses it- and the more likelihood of having an intense relationship with someone (i.e, a guy you’re interested as opposed to a same-sex member you’re chatting with on the Starbucks line), the more likely it is to kick in.

    But intuition is also hard to explain in left-brained terms, so all I can say is, you can dsitinguish early on between ‘petty’ problems and dealbreakers.

  10. 30

    oh- didn’t mean to italicize everything! Sorry!

  11. 31

    Thanks Evan,

    I just pulled the plug on one of those horrid “mixed message” guys… you know the guy you’re sleeping with that says he’s thinking about you (after not contacting you for a week at a stretch), but then calls himself “a lousy friend” for not keeping in touch! Ouch! I asked myself: Why am I putting up with that?

    I just emailed him a nice, short “thanks, be happy, good luck” note and have decided that there are too many handsome successful guys that are looking for exactly what I am… and this ONE dude is not my be all end all. I saw your video yesterday and this morning, I just woke up and realized that I need to accept the right people into my life.

    Personally, I am not looking to get serious right away with anyone, but I do have a standard of treatment I want from a man. If he falls below that equator, it’s my acceptance that’s the problem, not his behavior… I get it now! Thanks!

  12. 32

    Evan’s statement that we “don’t attract the wrong guy, we accept the wrong guy” was truly an “aha” moment for me. WOW! Yes, I was blinded by the chemistry that I had for this particular guy but like Rachelle mentioned about the guy she was with, he only did just enough to keep me around. Finally I had to let him ago because I finally realized that I deserved so much more than what he was willing to give me which was close to nothing.

  13. 33

    Unfortunately, not accurate. Plenty of women attract the wrong men. Dress trashy and only the bad men will be likely to approach. Or put little effort into appearance and only hypersexual men (often bad) are likely to approach.

  14. 34

    so…….. WHAT ABOUT THE CHEMiSTRY PART? DO i go for someone i don’t have chemistry with?????? this question has been eating at me for a few months (ever since i became singLe again- YES, EVAN, i LEFT THE “WRONG MAN”! WOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!). i reaLLy want to make sure my next choice is the “RiGHT” choice. i do nOt want to hurt Like i did and i’m READY for “THEE one.” no more messin’ around! : ) not to brag, but i have a sLew of men pursuing me, i find myseLf intrigued with the ones that seem to have somethin’ eLse goin’ on, Like, perhaps a GiRLFRiEND or the fact that they don’t have the quaLities i reaLLy WANT in a man…
    do i go for the dorky one who i’m not physicaLLy attracted to? but has Lots of interesting things to taLk about?
    p.s. you are theeeeee BEST!

  15. 35

    Bravo Evan. Not only have you given me an AHA moment, but gave my self esteem a little adjustment. As women we can sometime get caught up in the chemistry and believe that love will cure all. The truth is, a relationship is about how YOU feel (as well as your significant other). If it doesn’t feel good, all the chemistry, love, etc., will not cure it. Chances are, the more try to make it better, the worse it will get if the other person is not putting in the effort. I am three months out of such a relationship and am just beginning to realize how exhausting it was. I have learned my lesson and won’t fall for someone that does not make me feel good in the relationship again! Thanks a bunch!

  16. 36

    Juliette #33

    I don’t thing chemistry in and of itself is bad. Chemistry that blinds you to the fact that you’re not being treated the way you’d like is bad. Chemistry in combination with a man who treats us well is the key.

    Sayanta #29

    I think this is an example of what you’re getting at: I’ve had a couple of men tell me that they weren’t really looking for anything serious, but they really liked me, so they were “open to seeing where things go with us”. In the past I would have given them a chance only to be told a few months in, when things were stagnating, that “I told you I wasn’t looking for anything serious” (conveniently leaving out the “seeing where things go” part), but now, as a result of reading this blog, I’ve learned that “not looking for anything serious, but being “open to seeing where things go”, is code for “things are probably not going anywhere, but I’ll string you along for awhile while I get what I want”. I now know that these sorts of comments raise a red flag for me.

  17. 37

    Ruby #36-

    Second paragraph- that’s right- that’s along the lines of what I was thinking…

  18. 38
    Karl R

    Steve said: (#26)
    “Wow, that sounds like one ugly scene that you are witnessing. What type of dance is taught in that class?”

    I’m not certain what difference the style of dance makes. The man knows several styles of dance: a couple types of swing and a few country western styles. The woman probably knows a few styles as well.

    In the social dance scene, most people are involved because they love dancing. However, some men and women learn to dance in order to meet potential dates. The people who are out hunting dates tend to stick out like a sore thumb. Ironically, the single people who are dancing because they love to dance tend to end up dating a lot more than the single people who are only dancing because they’re trying to get dates.

    The man and woman I mentioned earlier (#17) are both trying to meet dates.

  19. 39
    Beth Vesel

    You don’t attract the wrong men you accept the wrong men. I don’t know why but when I read that statement I just burst into tears. It’s been nearly 3 months since I attracted who I thought was the right man–chemistry, treating me well, unselfishly & then somewhere he got derailed and so did I. Until you made that distinction detween attracting and accepting I couldn’t get out of knowing that a man is into me and cares about me & yet can’t give me what I want. The fact is that he changed–not me and though I attracted him he has rendered himself unacceptable by his selfish behavior, mixed messages and unloving and uncaring actions. If I only have two things to chose from–him or myself I chose myself.

  20. 40

    I am loving these new videos! Keep em coming!

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