You Think You Attract The Wrong Men, But You Don’t

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If you’re single, you’ve probably gone through hell in the dating world.

Investing your time in guys who don’t follow through after a first date.

Wasting months on men who don’t want anything more than a casual relationship.

Taking years to wait for a man to propose when he was never really going to.

Yes, as a dating coach, I am very fluent in the way you can allow your optimism to override your realism when it comes to love.

And yes, it’s true. Loving and losing can hurt far more than never loving at all.

And after all of those false starts and rejections and disappointments, it would be very easy to come to the conclusion that, dammit, you just seem to attract the “wrong” men.

Except it’s not true.

What if I told you that in my 15 years of single adulthood, I went out with a lot of women who were, let’s just say…highly emotional.

After all of those false starts and rejections and disappointments, it would be very easy to come to the conclusion that, dammit, you just seem to attract the “wrong” men.

Girlfriends who left me at weddings, restaurants and holiday parties.

Girlfriends who told me I was a sociopath.

Girlfriends who threatened to beat up people with candlesticks.

Girlfriends who sent me anonymous hate email.

Seriously. And this is the stuff I can share with you in a blog post!

Anyway, once upon a time, one of my friends was listening to one of my dating horror stories and offered her diagnosis:

“You’re clearly attracted to crazy women. You must really love the drama.”

It was a reasonable conclusion to draw. After all, I did have a disproportionate number of stories about highly emotional women. But when I thought about it, she was wrong.

I didn’t like drama.

I didn’t like crazy.

I craved stability and normalcy and unconditional love and support.

That’s when it dawned upon me:

My problem wasn’t that I was attracted to crazy women…

Yes, I was attracted to women, and yes, a certain percentage of them were going to be crazy. That’s not surprising.

The real issue was how much time I’d invested in these women, hoping that they’d suddenly become calm. That’s where I was guilty. I continually put myself through roller-coaster relationships with insecure people, hoping that they would work themselves out.

They never did.

The wrong men never work themselves out either.

Thus, the problem isn’t that you’re attracting the wrong men. That’s just a myth.

The truth is that you don’t ATTRACT the wrong men, you ACCEPT the wrong men.

The truth is that you don’t ATTRACT the wrong men, you ACCEPT the wrong men.

When you’re dating a man who has been with you for five years and never proposed, the problem is that you ACCEPTED HIM.

When you’re dating a man who is verbally abusive, and shuts down when you attempt to reasonably communicate with him, the problem is that you ACCEPTED him.

When you’re dating a man who has addiction issues, employment issues, and emotional issues, the problem is that you ACCEPTED him.

I’m not encouraging you to be intolerant of men’s flaws. I’m telling you that if you think you ATTRACT flawed men, you’re incorrect.

You attract lots of men.

By your definition, 95% of them are going to be the “wrong” men. As such, you’re never going to stop attracting the wrong men.

What you ARE going to do different is to stop ACCEPTING them.

Stop accepting unacceptable treatment and justifying it because you “love” him.

Stop spinning your wheels, waiting by the phone, walking on pins and needles in fear he’ll dump you.

Stop investing your emotions in men who refuse to give you the love, security, and consistency that you deserve.

Finally, stop beating yourself up for attracting the wrong men. That’s a waste of time.

If you consistently find yourself in relationships with liars, cheaters, addicts, leeches, or commitmentphobes, your job isn’t to get them to stop lying, cheating, drinking, mooching or committing. Your job is to leave.

At a certain point, it’s not his fault for being fundamentally flawed.

It’s your fault for thinking that your chemistry is powerful enough to change your broken relationship. Remember, most men are the wrong men. The problem is that you give the men these men a free pass because of your chemistry.

You’ll never stop attracting the wrong men, but starting now, you can stop ACCEPTING the bad behavior of the wrong men… and save yourself years of heartbreak and pain.

Finally, you’ll be open to receiving the quality of love you deserve.

But it starts with you.

Join our conversation (211 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 21
    sassysophia

    Hi,  
    I totally agree that it’s to accept.   And this is what I tell ALL men: ” I accept what you tell me”, which of course they love and feel safe, so they do. And then I decide if it’s right for me!   So for instance I was out on a first date with a guy and we were getting along really well with lots of chemistry.   So I asked, “Are you dating now, what are you up to?”   And he said and I quote: “I have significant others.” OTHERS did you catch that.   He explained they could all see who they wanted but they really only chose to sleep with him and have threesomes.   I said, Thank youfor letting me know I appreciate that, however, it doesn’t work for me.”   And so that was it for me; no convincing, so pleading, no hoping, no I’ll change him.   He said, “Wow I’ve never gotten such a banal response.”   I said I’m very accepting.   At may age (47) I don’t waste my time thinking I can change anyone.   And I stick to that.”   Now fortunately he was forthcoming. And many are not.   So ladies take your time, investigate ALOT, all the while having your checklist of morals and values at the forefront.   If you don’t have common values (regardless of waht he says, look for how he acts and if words and actions match) then what’s the point.   I protect my self-esteem like a pitbull protects it’s master.Oh BTW he kept after me for 4 months.

    1. 21.1
      L

      I wish all men were so forthcoming.   if that’s what they’re looking for, fine.   Just don’t waste my time!

      1. 21.1.1
        Han

        I know right! Why does there always have to be a grey area? I wish everything was black or white.

    2. 21.2
      DeeGee

      sassysophia said: “we were getting along really well with lots of chemistry.

      “Chemistry” is hogwash.
      You don’t know hardly anything about a person on (or after) the first date.
      Most people put on fake fronts (best behavior) and you have no idea what they are really like.   That’s why people should date for many months before commitment.
      The only “chemistry” you would have on a first date is whether he met some fantasy in your head about whether you thought he was good looking enough, funny enough, etc.
      If “chemistry” were a reliable indicator of a person and their personality type, then Evan wouldn’t have blog posts such as “Learn How Chemistry Has Always Led You Into the Wrong Relationships…”, and women wouldn’t keep choosing men who are bad for them.
      I’ve never met a man who uses “chemistry” as any indicator for whether a woman is date-worthy.   Women are passing over a lot of possibly great relationship by buying into some fairy-tale in their imaginations about “chemistry”.

       

      1. 21.2.1
        SparklingEmerald

        DG said “I’ve never met a man who uses “chemistry” as any indicator for whether a woman is date-worthy.”

        —————–

        This is just a difference in semantics. They don’t call it “chemistry” but men base their dating and relationship decisions a woman’s physical attractiveness.     Men AND women both decide who is date-worthy and/or relationship worthy based on physical attraction.   (aka chemistry)

        You can’t base a relationship on “chemistry” (or physical attraction ONLY, but you can’t have a relationship without either)   Why lead someone on if there’s zero physical attraction ?   It doesn’t matter how smart, funny and kind someone is if the attraction isn’t there.   Set them free to find someone who will be crazy about them !

    3. 21.3
      Renee

      Some times men will continue after you when you say no. You become a challenge. Then he wants you more. My ex husband was mentally ill. And his “crazy” showed through all the time. It took him threat ending to kill me in front of a witness to leave and actually get help. Most people didn’t believe he was abusive time me. I needed that witness for some to believe me. Even though many people had experienced his “crazy”. But everyone gave him a pass and said I should be sympathic to him. I did it for 30 years.   I choose to live and had to hide. Even so he still found ways to hurt me physically and mentally.

      The next guy interested in me was a really nice guy. But after a year of knowing him and a few dates, he showed his true color. He believed in every conspiracy theory out there. Like the earth is flat not round. And getting was appalled I didn’t just fall in line with his thinking. He still is around but I don’t g of out with him.

      Then a guy from my high school got in touch with me. I thought great I know him we should have the same value. Buy so many things he says is off. And I can’t say what he said wasn’t correct. He gets really mad. And all we do is text. He never calls or Skype. He lives 2 hours from me. He has promised to come see me 5 different times and has always cancelled for some lame reason or another. Cancelling for Christmas this last weekend is the last straw. Now least week Carrie Fisher has a heart attack on a plane. And he insisted she is dead. When I looked it up. She was still alive but critical. So she died today. He writes to me, see she did die the press was just sitting on the story. I wrote back, she died today! He writes, what difference does it make whether she died today or last week. His sources were still right. I DID NOT RESPOND BACK TO HIM. He has a serious pride issue!

       

  2. 22
    starthrower68

    @ Sassysophia #21,

    Amen sister.   Amen.

  3. 23
    Cristal

    I’ve been reading all your posts since day one. It’s been rather enjoyable, but seriously. this is the pick-m-up that I needed!
      
    Thank you.

    1. 23.1
      Katarina

      Me too 😊 I’ve been reading Evan’s blogs since 2012.

  4. 24
    SJZ

    As Maya Angelou said “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time!” As  quoted  by Gem #16. If only I could truly believe that and remember when something happens that is a big red flag. I always give them the benefit of the doubt the first time but, maybe even that is too much? I guess relationships are a lifelong learning experience.

  5. 25
    Kate Candy

    Great post and comments, but there’s one flaw in the argument.   Here it is from Evan’s original post:  You attract lots of men.

    Most women do not attract lots of “datable” men.   You meet one or two and if those one or two reveal themselves to be too flawed to continue, it’s difficult to go back to being alone and waiting for someone else to be even marginally interesting enough to make an effort for.   When I say marginally interesting, I mean clean, unmarried, not abusing substances, healthy, employed and able to carry on a conversation.

    To continue the relationship, I’d want educated, ambitious, attractive, emotionally intelligent, fit and interested in getting to know me better.   

    And then to be comfortable in a relationship, I’d want the guy to be monogamous, witty and passionate.

    Passionate seems to be the most difficult item on the list.

    Instead, my friends and I (and we are all attractive, educated, non-substance abusing decent folk) all end up with people we hope will change into our fantasy guy.   We hope that they will find a job that they can love so they’ll stop being depressed.   Or we want them to stop drinking so much or start exercising.   Or we hate when they shut down and hope through careful and loving modeling that they will open up and become communicative.   Basically, this is all a waste of time.   The guys slouch very slowly forward, grumbling and passively aggressively withdrawing.

    I have friends who are married.   They are miserable.   They were able to “shotgun” a guy who loved them but was happy just living together into proposing.   Now, my friends bear the majority of the responsibility for childcare, housekeeping, money management and maintaining extended family relationships.   My friends’ husbands make little time for the relationship, deciding once in a while to curtail their hobbies to spend a few hours with the family.   My friends’ marriages would be in serious trouble if my friends’ parents withdrew their emotional and financial support.   My friends are all less than what they were when they got married while their husbands are now more educated, higher up the corporate ladder and physically healthier than prior to the marriage because my friends have poured all of their energy into their husband and relationship.   My friends “love” their husbands, but they wistfully examine their lives and wonder how they’ve ended up where they are.

    So many of us think marriage is the end game.   We rate men according to their ability to commit and since there are not really that many fish in our private oceans, we do compromise and then work hard in first the relationship and then the marriage.   

    We women really need to stop giving our power over to men.   We need to realize that maybe we are not what men want.   Maybe they want their hobbies, substances, harem of women or sports more than they want the relationship that a woman wants.   

    Evan, is it true that women think marriage is the end game and men see marriage as a way to get more support to continue growing towards the destiny that they’ve chosen?

    1. 25.1
      S. a. m.ey

      Kate, you could and I say should proliferate this info about your friends marriages. It was cogent and it is a warning to other women.   Very good.

    2. 25.2
      ebet

      Kate, you strike me as extraordinarily thoughtful and incisive in interpreting the dynamics of your circle. I’ll be brief and simply make two points for general anthropological consideration.

      First, it may be a useful experiment to reflect not on sex (what some mistakenly call “gender”), but on economic demographics and discrimination, given comparative lifetime wages between the sexes along the life stages of each; as well of course as bias, suppression and intimidation. Would it not make sense that a segment that is disadvantaged, inevitably finds itself reliant on the “protection’ of the more economically successful segment, and comports itself accordingly, especially with the compromises of child-rearing? Thus the model of a compliant, sacrificing, easy-going wife.

      It’s instructive to note that as women age, and their usually older male suitors generally decline before they do, those who are economically robust typically want nothing to do with marriage and the rigors of nursing, now holding the economic & actuarial upper hand, finally having the leisure to concentrate on themselves as men always have. The advent of “cougars” presents a very interesting wrinkle in this respect. I suggest in your reasoning – follow the money.

    3. 25.3
      Henriette

      @Kate: No doubt it’s been years since you posted these comments but I do wish you’d come back and continue to take part in the discussions on this site. Your insights are valuable and your voice is unique.

    4. 25.4
      L

      i’m not anti-marriage but you’re 100% correct that this is what a lot of marriages turn into.   We need to do a better job in the initial “planning stages” of determining what we want our marriages to look like.   It starts from the minute we meet a potential Mr. Right.   Don’t give your power away and stop with the acrobatics trying to win your guy.   It should be a collaboration not slavery.

      1. 25.4.1
        Henriette

        Most people focus on attracting a mate and don’t think much of what the 40+ years after that, living together, would look like…   You’re right that we’d be wise to keep in mind that the goal should not be to catch a good spouse but rather to create a long-lasting, healthy relationship.

    5. 25.5
      Marie

      Kate,

      i couldnt    agree more with what your saying ! Excellent ! To add women need to connect to values that are important to you, and set behavioral expectations. If a man is numb – then act accordingly, the key is very simple, which is overlooked, called “basic common sense”   and this pertains to ALL aspects in life!

    6. 25.6
      Lynn

      I see the SAME exact thing Kate. I came across this article because I got mixed signals from yet another guy.   They seem interested but then the follow through is absent or weak at best. I keep staying positive that I will find the match that is meant for me, but for now I see exactly what you describe as for my married friends and then for myself and wonderful single women that I know.

      1. 25.6.1
        Malika

        Hi Lynn:

        ‘They seem interested but then the follow through is absent or weak at best.’

        You just described my dating history from my teens to my early thirties. You get the whole cake in the first couple of weeks or if you are lucky months and then they withdraw and you get the odd crumb from them which make you hope they sooner or later go back to offering the cake again. If you feel strong, you walk away from the crumbs only to then be emotionally unavailable for months (or sometimes years)  from men who might be able to give you the cake  on a consistent basis. When you are finally over the crumb giver you meet another guy and  it’s wash rinse repeat.

        I didn’t break the pattern until two years ago after a dating situation which went from delirious to awful in the course of two months. And from then on, thanks to Evan, i learnt to become a bit more emotionally detached and to walk away the moment i saw shenanigans that were not boyfriend material  (sudden blow-ups, ‘I don’t think i’m over my ex yet but can we still see each other on my terms’, random appear-disappear-reappear patterns that  do Skinner’s intermittent reinforcement theory proud, constant observations of the top 10 things that are wrong with me).   It has not lead to a relationship yet, but it has made me avoid the fate of Kate’s friends up until now.

         

        1. Emily, the original

          Malika,

          You just described my dating history from my teens to my early thirties. You get the whole cake in the first couple of weeks or if you are lucky months and then they withdraw and you get the odd crumb from them which make you hope they sooner or later go back to offering the cake again.

          Yeah, mine, too. You’re on cloud 9 for a while, but then he proves to be elusive and slips through your hands. However, the guy you’re not interested in always proves himself consistent. You mentioned Skinner’s intermittent reinforcement theory. I read somewhere that the guys you aren’t interested in are interested in you because you are, without realizing it, giving him partial positive reinforcement. Sometimes you’re flirty and open, sometimes you’re distracted and remote. You aren’t doing it intentionally. He’s just not someone who’s on your radar screen. Whereas you jump every time the guy you really like shows up, even if he disappears and reappears. So he gets bored because you are too eager and have no boundaries. I thought it was an interesting theory.

        2. Lynn

          Malika and Emily the Original,

          Yeah, I totally give up.   I have gone about attracting my perfect match, good partner my whole life.   I never settle, and I don’t want someone for money or as a trophy or whatever other shallow or needy reason people stay with the wrong person.   It is because of this I believe is why I will most likely be single for the rest of my life.   I don’t even know if that relationship we all are wanting actually exists or can exist for life.   It seems like it was all an illusion from what many of us were lead to believe, growing up. We all thought we would be appreciated and valued by men for being; healthy, intelligent, responsible, talented, fun etc.. women but I have seen little evidence of that.   It’s not like the romance movies either where at first the shitty guy doesn’t appreciate what he has and then suddenly he realizes it and finally steps it up. That does not happen in real life.   What happens?   The men are clueless as to why their women left them or they don’t care about what you have to offer. Most men want to do whatever they want, like little boys, and not have to take the time and effort to actually care about any one else. It’s like its too much work for them and it’s not worth it for them to try because they would rather be selfish and noot share their life with someone, then compromise as a good partner would need to as part of a couple.   I tried for up until now, to give the benefit of the doubt and make excuses, but I just had the last straw and this rant is my final conclusion.   🙂   Good luck out there people!

        3. DeeGee

          Lynn said: “I don’t even know if that relationship we all are wanting actually exists or can exist for life.

          I agree with your summation.
          You should read/watch all of Alain de Botton’s videos on “Romanticism”.   He explains how that time and movement has ruined modern relationships.   Unfortunately, movies and books all push romanticism, and that gives everyone who believes it totally false information and hopes on who and what their partner would or could be.

          See:
          How Romanticism Ruined Love
          https://youtu.be/jltM5qYn25w

          And search Alain’s channel “The School of Life” on YouTube.
          I find his information very enlightening and valuable.

        4. DeeGee

          Lynn, Malika, Emily… “They seem interested but then the follow through is absent or weak at best.

          I think some of this is also “chemistry”.
          It has been shown in many studies that the initial chemistry that is felt by both men and women upon meeting someone new that  they are attracted to, that the chemistry only lasts for a short time (typically maximum six months).   And depending on how the other person reacts to  their chemistry for you, it may only be a short time before it has worn off, and they are no longer really interested.

          To give you an example, I met a woman  about three months ago  on a dating site.   She lives close and we agreed to meet for a coffee.   I was attracted to her and she  was attracted to me as well.   We decided to see each other again, and have been seeing each other every week or two now for about three months.
          On our second and third meetings, I mentioned that I was interested in more if she was as well.   She told me that all of her prior relationships started as friends for at least one to two years before they turned romantic, and that she would only repeat that same sequence with any new man in her life.
          So she even refused such things as holding hands on our third date while we walked through the park.
          She even told me that she thinks I am a great catch and that she is worried that some other woman will grab me up before the one to  two years that she wants to be friends only before any real dating.
          Needless to say, three months and six+ dates later  and I could no longer care less if we saw each other again.   I no longer have the initial attraction that I felt for her.   And I don’t feel like wasting my time for one to two years while she decides what she wants to do.
          It is stupid and pointless for anyone to actually believe that every relationship that they have is going to mirror any previous relationships.   Everyone is different and has different timetables.

  6. 26
    Sayanta

    Kate

    Last paragraph. I’ve wondered too. There are obviously relationship-oriented men like Evan and Karl R. I’m not an expert on male thought but observation and experience have told me that men like them are in a small small minority.

    Men in foreign countries like India are marriage-minded, but it’s more of an image thing, meaning they do it because it’s what’s ‘done.’ and a lot of them have lonely sad wives.

    So men and women are at odds from Step 1. The majority of men, deep down, don’t actually want to be in a relationship, but they do it because of societal pressure. Women want marriage. We’re not going to change men, so the only thing to do is find a purpose other than a relationship and put your energy into that. I mean, what else CAN u do?

    Btw- your friends’ marriages sound like nightmares. Def would rather b single than live in that.

    1. 26.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Sayanta,

      I think it’s hard to say – in a country like the U.S. where 95% of men choose to get married – and over 50 million are currently married – that men don’t actually want to be in a relationship. You’re letting your emotions and frustrations override the facts. The fact is that the vast, vast, vast majority of men want to be in a healthy, long-term relationship. If you don’t see it that way, you’re not looking at the big picture.

      What men don’t want to do is be in a relationship with a woman who is difficult. Or negative. Or selfish. Or jealous. Or unattractive. But pretty much every guy wants a woman who enhances his life.

      I’m glad you brought this up, especially in the wake of all the Rori readers. There’s a big misconception out there. Men DO want to get married; the question (that you can consider and control) is why wouldn’t they want to marry YOU?

      1. 26.1.1
        Krystal

        Thanks for this comment! It really hits home :).

      2. 26.1.2
        Emily

        Yes, many men do want to get married. “They want a woman who enhances their lives”

        That’s the key right there. They want a woman who enhances them. I have found very few who want to give that same degree of love and dedication back to the woman.

        Yes, they will get married. Then they will treat that woman as their personal slave. Her energy and vitality is drained away until she is a shell of a person, while he goes on with his life feeling successful because he has a wife.

        She will ask for what she needs, and he will tell her she’s crazy or nagging. She will be silent about her needs, and they go unmet and she is miserable. The woman cannot win.

        There are a few men out there who really want to be in a relationship. Not HAVE a relationship, but BE IN ONE. But they are rare, and there are millions of women searching for them and fighting over them.   

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          I agree that there are many people (men and women) who are poor relationship partners. I agree that men may even be “worse” given that 2/3 of divorces are initiated by women. But “very few men” who want to be in a relationship? Out of the 50 million married men, do you have inside knowledge that most of these men don’t want to “be in” those relationships? How many millions of men are “rare”?

        2. Feilks

          I completely agree with you Emily – society still models, though most mediums, a world where men are the heroes and women are their devoted supporters.   Until this changes, men will continue to see themselves as the ‘achiever’ and their partner as simply another acquisition on their path to greater things, something to tick off on their list.
          Men are not out there looking for women they can support and uplift to their own full potential.   Those who marry are largely looking for someone physically more attractive then themselves (to make it worthwhile committing), nurturing and easy-going to have their offspring.   Once the children come along, the woman is only useful as long as she continues to do 9/10ths of the work.   Men see great potential in themselves, but only breeding and need-satisfying potential in their partners.   They want partners who are sweet, biddable and accepting of any and all flaws in their men, while having none themselves.   Normal emotions (like Evan calling women ‘crazy’) are seen as a huge flaw that they generously accommodate by ignoring their partner’s emotional outbursts, while self-congratulating themselves on being the bigger person – without examining the source of their partner’s frustration.   A bit like getting a dog and forgiving it if it nips you when you stand on its tail.
          Some men in the dating pool do crave relationships, but from personal experience, they seem to seek out women far more successful in all aspects of life than themselves, and there’s a huge ‘mother’ element there, where again, they just want someone to stroke their ego and tell them, despite their substance abuse, lack of employment, low self-esteem and self-inflicted health issues, they’re still fantastic.   Or they can’t find anyone to sleep with, or they need someone to take to their friends’ weddings.
            Those few, wonderful men who want AND OFFER what so many women want and offer nowadays in terms of intelligence, career achievements, sense of humour, empathy and financial stability are indeed snapped up quickly, and by the 1% most attractive females in the population – and those women tend to still fall into the ‘sweet’, biddable, pliable category or else they find themselves the victims of cheating.   As women become more interested in themselves as people rather than living through their families, and start wanting their own careers, their own hobbies, to be the heroes in their own stories, men fall away, unable to relate – and in many cases – meet up to the standards of those women who want an EQUAL.
          The word ‘entitlement’ is bandied about a lot by feminists to the point it’s become annoying as hell, but it’s very appropriate for the way men are programmed to look at their lives as more important than those of their female partners.   I am hoping this will change in younger generations as women having equal power becomes the norm, and hopefully our young people will have a future where relationships are on an equal footing, without one gender or the other benefiting at the detriment of the other.   However, for women in their 30s, 40s and older, good luck.
          I take heart that being single has no real downside, when the alternative is substandard misery.   Women are told by dating coaches to ‘lower their expectations and find something attractive in a ‘good’ man’ – while men’s dating coaches tell them how to manipulate more attractive women into their beds.   Why should women have lower expectations?   To avoid being ‘alone’ (aka not with someone who doesn’t love, respect or support them?).   How 1953.   Being in a relationship was sold to us as the ultimate goal, but it’s not.   Not today, not the reality that exists.   Not when there’s so much else out there to do, see and experience.   Human company and intimacy is important, but I’m yet to find a woman who can’t get ‘intimacy’ when she wants it, and company is only worthwhile if your partner is present, not grunting at you while watching TV with a beer in his hand.
           
          If an equal partnership with an attractive mate is a pipe-dream, there are other ways to lead a fulfilling life, and likely, have more fulfilling physical experiences as well (while keeping open to that one amazing guy per million who is worth all the effort that most of us are happy to put in).

        3. Russell

          I do believe after reading your post that you are likely going to be much happier being single.   Nothing wrong with that.   Many of us find it to be preferable.   For a large percentage of the population, that is likely to become the new normal.

           

          “but it’s very appropriate for the way men are programmed to look at their lives as more important than those of their female partners.   I am hoping this will change in younger generations as women having equal power becomes the norm, and hopefully our young people will have a future where relationships are on an equal footing, without one gender or the other benefiting at the detriment of the other.   However, for women in their 30s, 40s and older, good luck.”

           

          Not likely.   The younger generation, both men and women have become even more focused on self, and that isn’t likely to reverse course.   If anything, it is likely to increase.

           

          A psychiatrist once told me that everyone is the star of their own SOAP opera.   So it helps to remember that this is also true for the other people around you.   While you are the star of your own SOAP opera, you are only an extra in the other person’s personal SOAP opera.   He said that keeping that in mind does help you to learn to take the focus off of yourself enough to make sure that the other person’s needs are being met.

           

          Also, while you lament older men being worthless, it might surprise you that most women aren’t any better.   Which of course why many of us are just fine with being single.   For me, I really am OK with being single, but what is evident in your post is that you are angry that this seems your best option.   Just relax and go with it.   Enjoy each day for what it has to offer, and don’t focus on what you don’t have.   No matter what you do have, even if it is the perfect relationship, there are thinks you won’t have.   So just focus on the great things.   For me, when I am single, I revel in the fact that I can do guy stuff all day every day without having to answer to anyone.   I do what I want without somebody filling up my schedule with what they want to do.   Frankly, I see very little down side to that, and the little that there is, gets outweighed by the enormous upside.

           

          I think you like the idea of men, but you don’t really like men as they are, so being single really is likely to be much more preferable for you, and more rewarding.   I believe this is true for many women, and is going to increase, so as I said, I think being single is likely to be the new normal for many people.

           

           

          It might also help you to understand that most of what men are is biological.   Nobody is teaching s to focus on our own achievements.   Nobody is teaching us to look for a woman who meets the needs we want met.   It simply is what we want.   If what you thought was true, out mothers would have convinced us to marry that sweet girl down the block.   We would be much more open to being set up on dates.   But no, we simply want what we want.   No coaching or social pressure needed.

           

          Nobody taught you to prefer a guy with a six-pack and broad shoulders, with a model good looking face, nice teeth and mesmerising eyes.   Nobody taught you to prefer men with good educations and jobs over unemployed or under employed men.   You just find these things attractive without any social pressure needed.   It’s biological instinct.   And why would men and women look for different things in a partner?   Because for eons, the roles were different and meant to compliment each other, not mirror each other.   Like it or not, men don’t look for women that bring the same things to the table that he does.   They look for women that bring to the table what he doesn’t have.   The more different you are than us, the more interesting you are to us.   This does not mean you can’t be a modern woman who has a career.   It does mean that you have to find a way to BE what the man wants, and if you aren’t, there is simply no reason for him to enter into a relationship.

           

          But this highlights what I and many men see.   Many women became the men that they want, and they are very angry when the men aren’t interested.   Like I said, we aren’t looking for mirror images of ourselves.   We are looking for hat we are not.   Which might also explain why those unsuccessful men you mentioned are the ones who are more interested in the very successful women.   Maybe that is the new normal for men adapting to this new age.   Men who are successful will continue to act as successful men have always acted, and there will always be beautiful women out there who are the kind of women that these men are looking for.   But, unsuccessful men will be the ones who adapt to compliment the modern successful woman.

      3. 26.1.3
        Sul

        So , the man can do anything they want , but the woman must be perfect for   he to want her !   She must be attractive,   funny , not difficult , sweet , intelligent , nice to be around … what else . This is all BS , so the man can have a retarded without voice at home and keep flirting others , they can go out with friends   to bars and the sweet , not jealous , perfect loyal wife must be at home like a slave , waiting for her king   to arrive . The slave female must satisfy her man and be very sweet , easy to be around , no jealous, funny ,attractive… what else??? What a big BS for this time where women can work and can say what they want and live how they want … but sorry men can be rude , jealous , not so attractive but they CAN because they are men !!!

    2. 26.2
      Evan Marc Katz

      Sayanta and Mercedes and anyone else who asks me a question on here that wasn’t answered:

      My sincerest apologies if you felt ignored. I choose the questions based on whether I feel it merits a response, and how passionately I feel about responding. I can’t respond to every comment any more than I respond to every email I get asking for dating advice. Thanks for understanding and being wise enough to a) not take it personally and b) not think I’m evading you because I don’t have an answer.

      Believe me, I always have an answer; I simply don’t always have the time or desire to get into a back and forth with you. I’m sure you understand.

      Best,

      Evan

      1. 26.2.1
        Fat40

        Why are you calling women “crazy”?

        stop it, it’s offensive

        if women were really that “crazy” their would  be way more men getting murderd by their partners. Though, that’s not what’s   happening is it…

         

         

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          Yes, if the only metric of crazy is MURDERING someone, then you’re right. I have never met a crazy person – woman or man.

    3. 26.3
      Henriette

      Honestly, @Sayanta, I think most men I know very much want to be in a relationship.     But they want to be married to a woman who is young, slim, sexy, needy-enough-to-make-them-feel-masculine, independent-enough-to-not-drive-them-mad, someone they can’t get out of their head no matter how hard they try, someone who shares their interests…   In other words, I think most men are looking for a partner but don’t prioritize the traits that are most important in creating a happy marriage: kindness, respect, excellent communication skills, willingness to apologize, etc.

  7. 27
    Laine

    Evan #27 You have summed it up succintly.

      I notice that many women who write here seem to judge things about the guy from how he behaved in the past. People change, Nothing is set in stone. I think if we all were able to live in the present more and make decisions on current behaviour, life and relationships would flow more smoothly.
    Women   can and in many instances  overananlyse every nuance to death:)

  8. 28
    Sayanta

    Emk

    Well, I won’t say that emotion isn’t playing a bit of a role in my statement. But you’ve overlooked what I’ve said about image. A lot of career minded men know that being married enhances their image in a company- and most want children. Obviously being married fulfills both those things in a convenient way.

    Women would like emotional expressiveness and comfort in their dealings with men, but that’s not how the majority of men roll. To be with men, we need to curb our emotions or we’re ‘crazy.’ The only option is to ‘play it cool’ 24/7. No one’s winning here.

    I don’t think my advice to women to look for purpose and fulfillment outside of men is negative. If anything it’s beneficial to women.

    I’m flattered that you responded to me, Evan. But it’s interesting that you didn’t say anything to Kate

    My response stemmed from her comment

  9. 29
    Jadafisk

    Sometimes, however, the “wrong” men make their romantic intentions the clearest when it comes to approaching women, and they approach more women on average. If a woman has a traditional perspective when it comes to who makes the first move in particular and what defines a “real man” in general, she may experience the effect of masculine qualities that she sees as positive occurring along masculine qualities that are percieved as negative in regards to the acquisition and subsequent maintenance of happy long term relationships.

  10. 30
    Jadafisk

    Also, what about what Kate said about about women who don’t have a lot of prospects to begin with and experience a dearth of  quality  AND quantity in potential romantic partners?

  11. 31
    Francesca

    Most of last year was a dating disaster for me. I had a list of qualities I wanted, and I think most the people I dated on that last year had those qualities and every single one of those relationships ended badly.
    At the start, I thought they were great, seriously. They did tick the boxes. One guy would never prioritise me over his work, Another liked to point out physical flaws, but never himself had any flaws, Another was simply in a different life stage. All of them ended in tears.
    Then in December while getting drunk at the pub with my girlfriends I held hands with one of the guys I went to college with. Not any guy of course, one who’d had one of the worst reputations for drinking, and random shenanagains, I had known of him 2 years in advance of meeting him. He was wrong for me, he drank too much, he knew everyone, and was clearly out of my league. Yet he buys me flowers, he kisses my head, he writes me poems when I’m feeling sad, he shows me off to his friends and family and indulges whims to wish upon stars. Yes we do clash sometimes, but we both compromise and muddle through.
    How was I to know that he would become this knight? Especially when the others were so awful?

  12. 32
    Sayanta

    Francesca

    I’m glad you’re happy but I really really hope he doesn’t drink too much now ( you used present tense). I’ve never heard of a relationship with an alcoholic ending in marital bliss.

  13. 33
    lux aeterna

    Francesca #33, that’s a lovely story! I really hope it works out. It gives us all a bit of hope that some men mature… eventually!

  14. 34
    Sarahrahrah!

    Great article!   It subtly refutes the “Law of Attraction” nonsense that I’ve seen   in the comments many times.

  15. 35
    Blue

    Evan,

    Hit the nail on the head…again.   I get to ACCEPT what I wish to have in my life.   I wonder if that is why my well is so empty at the moment as it relates to the dating choices I currently have available.  

    None.

    Open and listening.

  16. 36
    Michael17

    Well, I have a couple of thoughts on this: We do have some control over whom we attract. A woman who keeps herself up nicely, who lives a healthy life and has a cause she is passionate in will *attract* a more desirable guy. As in the guy would not be interested in her if she were not living as she is now. Furthermore, if she understands men and doesn’t do things early on that cause guys to run, this great guy is a lot more likely to stick around.

    To put this another way, the great guys who otherwise would not have asked her out, or would have not been that interested, or who would have dumped her, would ask her out AND would be devoted partners if the woman grows and changes.  

    So Evan, I disagree with you in that some women do indeed attract great guys, and some women do not. Now she will also attract the less desirable guys too at least as much as before. But she has a much better chance of attracting and keeping a great guy, if she were to hold out for one.

    My observation though, is that women are usually the ones who decide in the beginning whether the relationship is a no-go, and that you tend to make bad decisions. Seems that many of you have a list that is way too long, but then you throw it out for a guy who doesn’t meet any item on that list, including some big ones, if there is “chemistry”. I do agree with the taking responsibility for the choices.

  17. 37
    starthrower68

    Hehe, Blue, you’re not the only one with an empty well.   Oh well, dating is what it is.

  18. 38
    Michael17

    Kate Candy #25:  I’m confused by what you wrote. You say that for you to get involved with a guy, he has to be healthy and employed. And yet you mention you and your friends in relationships with guys who drink too much and are unemployed.

    When we men end up with the drama queens, it’s because we overlooked the girls who are a lot more level-headed in favor of the really “hot” ones. When women end up with the “losers” though, it’s often because you overlooked the nice guys in favor of the ones where there is a lot of “chemistry”.  

    I guess I’m wondering–where and how are you meeting these guys?

  19. 39
    Francesca

    @Sayantaand lux aeterna

    Thankyou for your lovely comments. I actually don’t think he’s an alcoholic or ever was. He’s a very social creature, very aware of his reputation and very defensive about it where I am concerned. When we are out with his friends he always comes up and asks me to ask him to stop if I am uncomfortable. He hates it when someone judges him before meeting him.
    I’m pprobably fooling myself, but I’ve seen him be silly, pick me up and not let me down, but he’s never say mixed alcohol and transportation.

  20. 40
    Kate Candy

    Michael17,
    I think you’re absolutely right about how a woman can attract men.   I especially relate to how being passionate about something will attract guys.   And I think that you should be the kind of person you want to attract.   

    I have friends who are dead ringers for certain popular actresses.   One of them hasn’t dated anyone in 8 years.   Does she have too high of standards?   She wants a guy who is physically attractive and on par with her earning power and education.   She might be too picky, but she is very social, has a wide circle of friends, loving family, travels yearly.   I think she should attract lots of guys.   I think she should be beating them off with bats.   But she only meets guys once in a blue moon.   In fact, in the years that I’ve known her, less than a handful of guys have shown interest.

    Another friend, who is a girl that everyone notices, has a history with substance abusers.   She didn’t want the “bad” boys per se, but they were gorgeous and pursued her.   She is now in a relationship with a guy she loved from afar for a couple of years.   The guy is very good looking and charming, and although he is committed, he is unemployed, and has been for over a year.   He is in his forties, never been married, been engaged twice.   My friend wondered if she should break up with him because she thought he was too flirtatious with other women, I agreed, saying she should give him 6 months, and um my friend kind of dumped me.   Ouch.   I don’t have anything against the guy, I really don’t, but I know my friend wants children and she’s in her early 40s.   And this guy has a history of being with women who finally get tired of his failure to “grow up.”

    So my point is that even attractive women do not attract many “datable” guys.   That’s what makes this relationship thing so frustrating.   

    And here’s the secret: When men say they want relationships, it seems to me that they are looking for something very specific.   And that specific thing?   Family-friendly.   My unmarried attractive, interesting friends, and myself included, have serious family issues.   The woman who is close to her family is quick to say states that she will not become a mom unless the guy does all the work.   My parents are very angry people and I have cut contact after begging them to enter into family counseling.   My other beautiful friend is from Appalachia and worries how people will view her blue-collar, hard-drinking relatives.

    So, this is why I said Evan’s comment “You attract lots of men” is not accurate.   When I say I’m attractive, I mean, when I dress a certain way, coif my hair, wear makeup and put myself out there, a guy will notice.   He might ask me out if I set up torches along the path because I have a very interesting job and hobbies, but these superficial things are not going to get a guy to marry you. What gets a guy to marry you is creating the fantasy that his life will be a whole lot easier, better or happier because he’s married. And some of us attractive women are not the fantasy girls.   My friends who “played the game,” are married, and they are very tired.

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