You Think You Attract The Wrong Men, But You Don’t

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If you’re single, you’ve probably gone through hell in the dating world.

Investing your time in guys who don’t follow through after a first date.

Wasting months on men who don’t want anything more than a casual relationship.

Taking years to wait for a man to propose when he was never really going to.

Yes, as a dating coach, I am very fluent in the way you can allow your optimism to override your realism when it comes to love.

And yes, it’s true. Loving and losing can hurt far more than never loving at all.

And after all of those false starts and rejections and disappointments, it would be very easy to come to the conclusion that, dammit, you just seem to attract the “wrong” men.

Except it’s not true.

What if I told you that in my 15 years of single adulthood, I went out with a lot of women who were, let’s just say…highly emotional.

After all of those false starts and rejections and disappointments, it would be very easy to come to the conclusion that, dammit, you just seem to attract the “wrong” men.

Girlfriends who left me at weddings, restaurants and holiday parties.

Girlfriends who told me I was a sociopath.

Girlfriends who threatened to beat up people with candlesticks.

Girlfriends who sent me anonymous hate email.

Seriously. And this is the stuff I can share with you in a blog post!

Anyway, once upon a time, one of my friends was listening to one of my dating horror stories and offered her diagnosis:

“You’re clearly attracted to crazy women. You must really love the drama.”

It was a reasonable conclusion to draw. After all, I did have a disproportionate number of stories about highly emotional women. But when I thought about it, she was wrong.

I didn’t like drama.

I didn’t like crazy.

I craved stability and normalcy and unconditional love and support.

That’s when it dawned upon me:

My problem wasn’t that I was attracted to crazy women…

Yes, I was attracted to women, and yes, a certain percentage of them were going to be crazy. That’s not surprising.

The real issue was how much time I’d invested in these women, hoping that they’d suddenly become calm. That’s where I was guilty. I continually put myself through roller-coaster relationships with insecure people, hoping that they would work themselves out.

They never did.

The wrong men never work themselves out either.

Thus, the problem isn’t that you’re attracting the wrong men. That’s just a myth.

The truth is that you don’t ATTRACT the wrong men, you ACCEPT the wrong men.

The truth is that you don’t ATTRACT the wrong men, you ACCEPT the wrong men.

When you’re dating a man who has been with you for five years and never proposed, the problem is that you ACCEPTED HIM.

When you’re dating a man who is verbally abusive, and shuts down when you attempt to reasonably communicate with him, the problem is that you ACCEPTED him.

When you’re dating a man who has addiction issues, employment issues, and emotional issues, the problem is that you ACCEPTED him.

I’m not encouraging you to be intolerant of men’s flaws. I’m telling you that if you think you ATTRACT flawed men, you’re incorrect.

You attract lots of men.

By your definition, 95% of them are going to be the “wrong” men. As such, you’re never going to stop attracting the wrong men.

What you ARE going to do different is to stop ACCEPTING them.

Stop accepting unacceptable treatment and justifying it because you “love” him.

Stop spinning your wheels, waiting by the phone, walking on pins and needles in fear he’ll dump you.

Stop investing your emotions in men who refuse to give you the love, security, and consistency that you deserve.

Finally, stop beating yourself up for attracting the wrong men. That’s a waste of time.

If you consistently find yourself in relationships with liars, cheaters, addicts, leeches, or commitmentphobes, your job isn’t to get them to stop lying, cheating, drinking, mooching or committing. Your job is to leave.

At a certain point, it’s not his fault for being fundamentally flawed.

It’s your fault for thinking that your chemistry is powerful enough to change your broken relationship. Remember, most men are the wrong men. The problem is that you give the men these men a free pass because of your chemistry.

You’ll never stop attracting the wrong men, but starting now, you can stop ACCEPTING the bad behavior of the wrong men… and save yourself years of heartbreak and pain.

Finally, you’ll be open to receiving the quality of love you deserve.

But it starts with you.

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Comments:

  1. 141
    Fallon Franklin

    Seriously beautiful article. Thank you.

  2. 142
    L B

    This is like an awakening for me! A guy who I’ve been dating for over three years on and off   has just told me he’s met an old friend. I’ve been suicidal  in my grief as finality of the relationship sunk in. I’ve tried, in vain, to help him curb nicotine addiction, excessive alcohol and gambling. All I wanted was for him to propose. While he spent time   with me   the ‘problems’ went away but time spent on his own they immediately reappeared. This article has saved me! Good Luck to her and him..perhaps she can cure him…

  3. 143
    Jackie

    I am older, divorced after 28 years of marriage, have been dating some. The problem is I don’t seem to attract very many men. I have a friend that offered to “make sweet love to me , no strings” his words. I laughed (he texted me that …) He thought he was doing me a favor. I replied and told him that I want a relationship, not casual sex. He knows that, He does not want another relationship except to have his needs met. Clearly he is not my answer to prayer. The sad thing is, I crave physical and emotional intimacy right now and that had me consider for a brief second his offer. It would not have filled either of those needs in reality. My ex husband and I slept in separate rooms for the last 5 years of marriage. I have been divorced for 2. Because I my religious beliefs I do not feel right having random sex. I then begin to question everything. Its because of my weight, because my hair is gray, because I am 56 and 40. I am stuck, but I enjoyed your blog and will not accept anyone saying to me that I have attracted the wrong men anymore

  4. 144
    ASHANTI

    WOW THANK YOU ! I REALLY NEEDED TO SEE THIS!!

  5. 145
    Luba

    Spot on!

    Thank you and Amen!

  6. 146
    Dia Susngi

    Woooowwww Amen. I love this article. It’s so true.

  7. 147
    Susan

    Women are also given the advice to lower our standards, so we’re being advised to accept the wrong men and ignore red flags, because if we don’t we’re being too picky.

  8. 148
    TIne

    Sorry, I love most of what you write, but I really attract mostly bad guys – since many years I don’t go out after them, I take it so slow that I haven’t had sexy times since forever, I let them talk and show their true colors, but unfortunately all, ALL the guys who showed a bit of interest in my person where dark souls, a couple of them belonged in jail or hell. Since several years I have learned that it’s my responsibility to be completely turned off by commitmentphobes, very negative people and predators, and I accept that and am completely and immediately turned off by red flags, but it strikes me why all my life only this kind of guys wants to know me better. Many years ago someone told me that “I have eyes that ask for love” but in fact I don’t ask for anything in particular, that’s just my face :/

    My history proves that I am not a doormat (not since age 25 at least) decent self-esteem (with high and lows) I set my boundaries, my life is not OK because of circumstances (illness) but my soul is. I guess this eyes thing really screws me over. Apart from getting an eyebrow tattoo to look like Angry Birds I don’t know what else to do…

    1. 148.1
      Susan

      TIne  I can relate to what you’re saying and it’s not your fault at all.   I’ve had the same problem and it’s annoying when people say it takes two to tango.   You can meet different kinds of people in different places, but find out they all have the same bad personality type, regardless of their appearance or the walk of life they are from. I once read an article that predatory types can pick out victims even walking down the street by the way they carry themselves.   The only useful advise I’ve found is abusers often target women who are alone or they know to live alone etc., so don’t let anyone know this if you don’t know them well, and they also target women who seem like they won’t call the police.   I personally think the reason I’ve gotten targeted is I live alone, I’m very petite and seem easy to dominate because of my size and I seem like I have things like money someone from a lower economic status could take.   I still haven’t worked out how to repel these kinds of people.

  9. 149
    Valentina Rao

    Well, I have learned to repel them after they get a bit closer, when I suspect a guy is “one of those” I show very conservative views (like I want to get married at some point, won’t take anything less) and I mention very calmly and cheerfully at some point in the conversation that I won’t accept any crap from anyone, and they usually disappear like creepy ghosts in the sunlight. It’s very lonely though, no one except for those wants to know me better. Thing is, I am highly sensitive and I am not going to change my personality (I couldn’t even if I wanted to) and I guess that is mistaken by weakness by predators. What I do now is cut my losses and try to think as little as possible about these guys (one just “came out” yesterday, this is why I was reading articles here) and try not to get depressed seeing that’s all I get in this life.

  10. 150
    Susan

    While it’s true sometimes women accept the wrong men, what about women who actually do attract the wrong men?   My entire life I’ve attracted narcissists, abusers etc.   The last date I went on the guy showed up drunk, which I had no idea he was going to do, I stayed in well lit, public areas and even brought a friend on the date and he still spent the entire time trying to grope me in front of my friend.   A week before that a guy who had dozens of mutual friends on Facebook told me “every woman should be raped once” and he would “like someone to watch.”   No, those are seriously the wrong men, and I attract them in droves.   I’m surprised I haven’t been murdered yet.   It’s not because I dress protectively and I make it clear I won’t hook up and want a relationship.   The only conclusion I can come to is it’s because I’m really short and thin and tiny like a child and look like I can’t protect myself or defend myself.   These men do not respect me or care what I say.   They are predators, looking for an easy target.   Nice guys don’t show interest in me.   I want a boyfriend but only these types are attracted to me.   I also don’t drink, party or do drugs.   I probably seem naive because of it, but I’m not.   And it’s not where I am meeting them, because I’ve met them all over the place.   I even was violently sexually assaulted by someone I thought was a friend and had known for 26 years, who seems like a nice guy but has a dark side he hides.   How does someone who looks like a victim get a good man?

  11. 151
    MzLibraLv

    I seen the signs of potential issues, but chose to ignore them.   Two years in the same situation….not a good provider.   I truly need to learn to STOP accepting things that I see as a deal breaker because he has a few good qualities.   The price our heart pays for companionship is not worth the pain.

  12. 152
    Bk

    The reason why I searched for this it’s because I thought I was a victim of attracting wrong men but I realised that I accepted them, I’m 28 and divorced last year since then I have been doing in and out in “relationships” bcz I feel like 1 I always attract men who want to be very controlling and no one ever accepts and believe when I say I’m not dating anyone except u so relax,   when I don’t answer my phone they wud always think I’m with someone else. So everyone spend a lot of time looking for the wrong thing that I do of which they never get one to a point that one wud come to my place fuming at 2 am thinking that when I don’t answer calls I’m with another man whereas I’m sleeping alone or decisided to work at night as I’m an attorney by profession,  so I always lived a life of explaining that no I was in court, I had a meeting I couldn’t be on whatsapp, I dosed off after a long day. So I always live a life of explaining, explaining bcz I accepted that no one believes when I say I’m alone they want me to be on a video call to see what I’m doing at night so now I’m not going to be Accepting anyone like that anymore bcz I have them time and chance thinking that one day he will understand that that I don’t lie  

  13. 153
    Emz

    This could not have come at a better time after finding my partner of two years cheating on me. I’ve had various disastrous relationships and I had got to the point at 45 after this last time where I felt totally unlovable, I just couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong or why I kept attracting the wrong guys!! And now I realise thanks to this article that when I looked back the signs were there and I absolutely accepted behaviour that I never should have. There is something about second guessing oneself in the face of someone’s behaviour esp if they are able to create you to feel wrong.. This is now what I must trust implicitly that it doesn’t matter if they think I’m wrong for not accepting it (and the words over sensitive or unforgiving come to mind) I am going to stand by my convictions, if I do not like it and they are unwilling to change I have to 100% know my worth and walk away. After all the inevitable always happens and I get hurt so why not get out before that. From now on I ask only once for them to consider my feelings and change and if they cannot respect it I’m D.O.N.E .. Thank you so much to God and for everyone’s comments here too as it’s helped along with this article I’m a changed woman

  14. 154
    Meagan

    Wow, I’ve read through a lot of articles on the subject trying to find some answers to help me move on from bad relationships. None of them have ever resonated with me the way this article has. Amazing.

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