Your Dream Man May Come Back to Haunt Your Dreams

Your Dream Man May Come Back to Haunt Your Dreams
As a dating coach for smart, strong, successful women, I don’t talk about it much, but here’s my dirty little secret:

I LOVE coaching men.

20% of my clients were men until 2010 and I have a completely different connection with them than I have with you.

With you, I’m the man who can translate male behavior to you.

With men, I’m the man who can show him how to be the man that YOU want.

And that’s a lot of fun – and a serious responsibility.

As a dating coach for smart, strong, successful women, I don’t talk about it much, but here’s my dirty little secret:

I LOVE coaching men.

Mostly, I deal with nice guys who need a little bit of “edge” to do better with women. By showing these guys how to tap into their masculine energy and take control, they almost immediately start showing better results in their love lives.

Right now, I’m only working with one man – and he’s the guy who inspired today’s post.

Last week, he was telling me how he had lunch with his “fantasy” girl.

She’s 17 years younger than he is. She’s very attractive. She’s creative. She’s bright. She blogs. She speaks frankly about whatever’s on her mind. I can completely see why my male client – Thomas – is interested in her.

But it troubles me that every week, Thomas brings up this woman and refers to her as his “fantasy” girl. I almost fear that in saying it, it may become true.

That somehow, the existence of this high-maintenance, narcissistic, Gen Y diva will completely skew Thomas from choosing a real life partner.

I ask him to tell me if he ever dated anyone close to his fantasy girl. He shares a story about an exotic, younger European model type that he was with many years ago.

That was the closest to this fantasy girl he’d ever gotten.

“Whatever happened to that relationship?” I ask Thomas.

“She was the craziest, most toxic, explosive, nightmare of a woman I’ve ever met,” he replied.

I smiled. I like it when things play out predictably to make my point.

We promptly went onto to remove all of the “fantasy girls” from his Favorites list. No more bleach blondes with misspelled profiles. No more Russian models seeking sugar daddies. No more Latinas with tight shirts and tramp stamps.

Thomas is a 48-year-old lawyer who needs a real partner who wants a family.

The man of your dreams is NOT the one of your fantasies.

And when I held his previous experience up in front of him, he knew he was going to make the exact same mistake again: chasing attraction and sacrificing things like kindness and sanity.

So, please, take a second to look at your life and tell me whether you’re chasing an illusion.

Because I’m willing to bet that whenever you had that magic feeling in the past, all it did was allow you to ignore how selfish and toxic he really was.

Please don’t let that happen again.

This reminds me of a quote from a charming movie my wife and I saw a few years ago, called “500 Days of Summer”. In it, the lead character is chasing a fantasy girl, while his best friend has been happily married for years.

When the lead character asks him about his wife, he takes a moment before saying:

“Robin is better than the girl of my dreams. She’s real.”

The man of your dreams is NOT the one of your fantasies.

It’s the guy who calls you when he says he’s going to call you, the one who introduces you to his family, the one who is already planning for your future.

Once you get this, the rest is actually quite easy.

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  1. 31

    @Tash, Nicole,

    My g/f is Russian and 24 years younger than me. On the other hand, we knew each other for years before we dated (she was my landlady). I speak Russian and I am planning to move to Russia, she speaks no English, where the divorce laws happen to protect both party’s assets prior to marriage. Only post marriage gains are divided. Pity, she might be wealthier than me (lots of real estate). I can’t seize her assets through divorce. My business is in Russia. I think the deed will be done by January. (Except marry in January in Russia?)

    There’s not a lot of data but the US Census Bureau did a study about 10 years ago on foreign born spouses and found a much lower divorce rate amongst international couples (perhaps due to the Catholic Philipinas in the survey). My brother is married to a Malaysian. Another friend is married to a Punjabi. Both marriages are coming up to 30 years. If anything, they had fewer ups and downs because they anticipated the need to work through problems and forgive differences.

    The UK Office of National Statistics report on age difference in marriage ( This time folks, I have the link:…/age-differences-at-marriage-and-divorce.pdf ) is clear see figure 8; the older the husband in the age gap, the lower the divorce rate, the older the wife, the higher the divorce rate. However, there was a peak in the middle of the range for men two years older than their wives. General advice to reduce risk of divorce: avoid small age differences, go for an older man, at least 10 years older. This was not survey date. It was census data. It’s definitive.

  2. 32

    I am ashamed to admit I got sucked in yesterday by the reruns of Millionaires Club with Party Stanger on Hulu. It was a good reminder to be grateful for who I am and what I have.

  3. 33

    Yes, I meant “Patty Stanger”. My Smartphone second guesses me all the time.

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