How to Make a Guy Call Instead of Texting You

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I’ve been on record for saying how much I dislike texting. I even found a chart to tell you when to text and when not to text.

But texting MUST be the icing; it can’t be the cake.

The real issue is that texting is ubiquitous and it’s not going anywhere soon. Instead of using it as a way to say hi or let you know he’s running late, it becomes a crutch for real relationship communication. These days, there are men who use it as the ONLY way of keeping in touch. There are women who use it as the ONLY way of having a serious discussion.

These are inherently flawed strategies. A first-person piece on CNN.com concurs:

“A short text in the middle of the day to let someone know you are thinking of them is a sweet gesture. But if you imagine that sending a daily barrage of texts, such as “driving to work, heading to lunch, or just left a meeting” is a romantic way to show you are thinking of your partner, think again.”

To clarify – if these texts are used in ADDITION to phone, email, and actual dates, they’re fine. I text my wife to ask her to pick up something from the grocery store when she’s out. She texts me from the kitchen to tell me she loves me. But texting MUST be the icing; it can’t be the cake.

Yet that’s what’s been established. Men collect phone numbers online. They text five women at the same time. They never pick up the phone to make a true connection, because they want to keep their options open. And women complain that men aren’t stepping up to the plate.

They’re right in one regard – texting is a shitty form of communication. But it’s not HIS fault if the texting persists; ultimately it’s yours. If you accept that he only texts you, never calls you, never asks you out for a proper date, you’re tacitly CONDONING this behavior.

What incentive does he have to step up to the plate if he can get away with a minute of phone foreplay? Why SHOULD he call? Why SHOULD he plan dates? Really, if he can text you, on Friday night at 10: “Come over, I miss you,”. And you DO IT?! There’s no reason for him to spend more time, more money, more energy, or more emotion on you. He’s having his cake and eating it, too.

You want a guy to treat you like a serious relationship candidate instead of part of a harem? Insist on being treated that way.

“Thanks, cutie! I turn off my cell phone at night, but you can call me on my landline after 9. Talk to you then!”

“Aw, Jeff, you’re adorable. But if you want to see me, you’re gonna have to try a little harder. You have your phone in your hand. I have my phone in my hand. Press the little green dial button and see what happens!”

You want a guy to treat you like a serious relationship candidate instead of part of a harem? Insist on being treated that way.

“Glad to hear you’re having a great day, Brad. You know what would make it even better? If you were to hear the dulcet tones of my voice. 🙂 Hit me up tonight after I get back from the gym, okay?”

If the guy doesn’t respond, ignores your requests for phone time, and treats the phone as if it’s only a means to text, you know what you do?

You cut him loose. No emotion. Matter of fact.

You seem like a good guy, Alan, but I’m not looking for a texting buddy, I’m looking for a boyfriend. And since all you’ve done is text me twice a week for the past six weeks without any increased effort, I’m going to take that as a sign that you’re not that interested in a relationship. No hard feelings. I wish you the best of luck in your search. Take care.”

Don’t be afraid that you’re losing your potential boyfriend. You’re not. You’re freeing yourself of the burden of waiting for an indifferent man to show you he cares. If he cared about you, he’d WANT to call you, WANT to see you, WANT to commit to you.

The texter has already shown his stripes. All you’re doing is calling him on it.

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Comments:

  1. 42
    Karmic Equation

    Hi Ruby,

    When I wrote “you” in my post #39, it was meant to be “generic” you not “specific” you so I apologize if there was any misunderstanding about that 🙂

    If a man is only texting you late at night or for last minute meet ups, then of course he’s looking for action. However, I will say just because a man is looking for action doesn’t mean he’s not looking for a relationship. That would be equivalent to saying a woman who’s looking for a relationship isn’t looking for sex. It’s not binary. It’s just that goal of dating is diverges along gender lines. It is what it is. Getting angry at men or giving their behavior a label that justifies our outrage at that behavior is ultimately not productive. Just accept that men are looking for sex. They accept that women are looking for relationships. Most men resist getting into relationships fast the same way many women resist getting into bed fast. Opposite sides of the same coin.

    Ultimately, as Chance #19 alluded to, you cannot really gauge a guy’s interest by whether he calls you or not, particularly in that after-first-date-but-before-exclusivity phase. You gauge it by how many actual dates he wants to have with you. Do you have a good time on those dates? Are you building a connection on those dates? If yes, don’t stress that once you’re out-of-sight, you’re out-of-mind, because that IS what the real problem is…and you want those phone calls to reassure your that he hasn’t forgotten you amongst his other options.

    If you’re a “smart, strong, successful” woman, you need to be confident that you’re difficult to forget. If a man is really interested, he will call you when he feels like it. If he does have other women that he’s dating and he doesn’t reach back out to you for a week or three, if you’re dating other men, you won’t stress about that. If you feel like it schedule him back into your dating schedule when he calls. If you feel insulted, then ignore his calls. Simple. You’re in control.

    There are plenty of fish in the sea for us women as there are for men.

    If your clock isn’t ticking, enjoy dating for it’s own sake. Don’t attach any outcome to it, not even phone calls. We women build emotional connections by TALKING, men by DOING. So talking on the phone bonds YOU to HIM more than HE to YOU, so you could be setting yourself up for a broken heart if things don’t work out.

    Until a man becomes your boyfriend, don’t stress about the phone calls or lack thereof would be my suggestion. Stress about how often he’s making actual dates with you. That is the real gauge of his interest.

  2. 43
    JGirl

    Haven’t read all the comments, but of course I have to put my two cents in.   I have no problem with texting…EXCEPT when it is used as the only form of communication and if a man wants to ask me out he’d better darn well pick up the phone!  

  3. 44
    JGirl

    Ruby (#27)..OMG!   You are RIGHT ON!   I just broke off a 4 month…whatever… with a man like that!   His ‘night night’ texts, which I thought were just for me, actually went out to about 5 or 6 women (one of them texted me and told me my response to him (which was just ‘night”) went to her too for some reason!   
    Out of the blue the other night he texted “I’m thinking of you”…but funny is he does type my name “Hi J….”…the second text is “I’m thinking of you”…whatever the case is, he probably does do this tethering thing and the first woman who responds is it….he also was constantly texting when we were together.   One time he handed me his phone and asked me to google something…a woman.. “Rachel from POF”   texted “hey baby..what’s happening?”   I responded..  

  4. 45
    Julia

    As for men texting late at night at first. My strategy and suggestion is just to show you have boundaries and would love to see them at a normal time of day. You don’t have to tell them off or ignore them. Understand that men want to have sex with you, let them know that you aren’t that easy (in a flirty manner) and put the ball back in his court. If he wants to see you, he will do it on the terms you give him.

  5. 46
    Kathleen

    Is there a way to “reply to all ” on generic texts ? I haven’t found a way but that would be fun.
      
      

  6. 47
    Karmic Equation

    @JGirl 45
      
    Do you send all your texts with the person’s name? Who does that? If you’re in someone’s cell, your name pops up automatically next to the text, unless it’s someone new you’re texting…or someone whom you don’t text frequently so you suspect they don’t have your name saved. So the fact that he didn’t have your name wasn’t the clue in that you were one of many…
      
    What should have clued you in is the frequency of his responses to your texts…and how often when you texted him, he wouldn’t respond either at all or until the next day. That would be a better clue in that he was otherwise occupied.
      
    During the dating-but-not-exclusive phase, it’s much more prudent to recognize you may be one of many and not the only one, and act accordingly.

  7. 48
    JGirl

    Karmic:
    My clue was the text from another woman…and I agree, there were times when he would respond and times it would take a while.   But he also had a habit of texting even WHILE on a date!   He always said it was to post on FB or to “mom”…but…now I wonder.
    I agree..with your last paragraph…of course I didn’t expect to be the only one from the get-go….never do.
      
      LOL..my biggest clue was when I jokingly asked him how many women he was dating (this was after 2 months of seeing each other 2 – 3 times per week)and he said ‘a few, but you are my first choice”.

    1. 48.1
      moon

      he told the other women they were :his first choice: also, lol. guaranteed.

  8. 49
    JGirl

    Karmic:   He does sometimes type my name in his text:   Hi J or Hey J..what’s going on….but I don’t read too much into it any more.   With anyone.

  9. 50
    Karmic Equation

    JGirl,
      
    Lol. I’m going to think about my own habits. The only time I ever typed my bf’s name into a text was when I was PO’d at him. lmao.
      
    Other than that, it’s “Hey baby” or “Hi honey”. I guess my player dude that I was dating (and I knew he was playing, I was ok, since I wasn’t looking for a relationship, just fun) — was polite. Rarely did he text in front of my face, so he didn’t lie to me about what he was doing. But he’d disappear into the bathroom often though. But if I was over at his place, he never texted and in fact would get angry with me if I played games on my phone, because he didn’t trust that *I* wasn’t texting other people. Far from being upset by that, I always thought it was funny. If I got petulant it was because I was really into playing my game and he stopped me. And I hated that.
      
    Players have their uses. They are great as transitional people. Fun but no emotional investment required. You just have to make sure that you don’t get attached to him. I don’t get attached through sex, so I can play with players and without being singed. I find it a challenge.
      
    Yeah, don’t worry about the texting or calling. If he’s making the effort to spend time regularly with you on dates — doing non-sex things, movies, shopping, walking in the park, like that, that’s the better gauge of his interest and a better way for you to get to his heart. Because sex doesn’t bond men to women, it bonds women to men. Same thing with talking. It’s the non-sex activities that make him fall in love with you, if that’s your goal.

  10. 51
    Kathleen

    So…. J Girl   #49
    What was your reaction to him saying you were his top choice of several after you had invested 16-24 dates with him ?   That seems a little …ummm …indecisive on his part  
      
    I heard Steve Harvey say that on the second date ask him 2 simple questions …
    !   what do you think of me?  
    2. what do you feel about me ?
    He said the second answer will say it all.    I haven’t tried this and wonder what Evan would say about this. Seems to me It might sort out guys more quickly   I know how I feel by the second date. I bet they do too   

  11. 52
    JGirl

    Karmic..you got that!
    I’ve learned that actions speak louder than words.   Many people say stuff..and well, as soon as they leave they forget what they said.   Doesn’t mean they were lying, they may have felt it when they said it but in reality it’s ‘out of sight..out of mind”

  12. 53
    Ruby

    JGirl #45
      
    Your guy doesn’t sound all that smooth, so you figured it out! But as the other dating advisor mentioned, we women tend to assign special meaning to these little texts and don’t realize we may be one of a few (or more). And as EMK mentioned, a man who takes the time to pick up the phone and call probably isn’t calling other women. Texting is just so quick and easy.

  13. 54
    JGirl

    Hi Kathleen (52)
    I felt like I got punched in the stomach.   Although I didn’t think I was the only one, I wasn’t expecting to be part of a harem!   I politely asked him to leave, told him I needed some time alone to think.   Then I backed off..and cut him off as well (no sex).   It didn’t seem right.   
    Funny…when we finally ended it once and for all, he never remembered saying that..he grinned, but never apologized.
    I’ve never asked the questions, but the guy I just met a few weeks ago volunteered the answers and actually asked me.   LOL

  14. 55
    Karmic Equation

    @Ruby 54
      
    It’s so interesting, the perspectives of you and the other women in our age group. I definitely skew young on the texting.
      
    I’m sure most of you gals want to have fights face to face. I actually like fighting by text. Not because I’m non-confrontational, cause I can drama-up with the best of women, but because I can choose my words carefully to type into a text rather than spew out something I’d regret. As well when I fought with my player dude, he’d out-loud me and just would yell louder and over me, so wouldn’t hear me.
      
    Once I slam out of his condo, he then has to call or text. I refuse to answer his calls, so he texts…and since we both have equal volume in texts, I can have my say and he HAS to listen, because you can’t have a one-way text conversation. That gets boring fast.
      
    I’m sure that this is a special case, and most people don’t fight that way. But I’ll be honest, having the fights “in writing” helped me review our relationship over time and was really interesting on how we resolved our issues.

  15. 56
    Chance

    Kathleen said (#52):
    “I heard Steve Harvey say that on the second date ask him 2 simple questions …
    !   what do you think of me?  
    2. what do you feel about me ?
    He said the second answer will say it all.    I haven’t tried this and wonder what Evan would say about this. Seems to me It might sort out guys more quickly   I know how I feel by the second date. I bet they do too”
      
    I might feel that it is either a shit test or that she’s really insecure (in reality, it’s probably both).   Truth be told, I would likely think a little less of her than I did before she popped those questions.   Besides, most men just feel that they want to have sex with any woman that they’re on a second date with.   They may, or may not, develop a real connection at a later time.   What he says in response to the questions are of little importance, and highly dependent on how much of a smooth operator he is.
      
    Bottom line, I think you have to assess all of the facts (most importantly, what are his actions?) when determining if he is truly interested.

    1. 56.1
      moon

      If you have to ASK these questions, lol….it spells trouble.   Men’s ACTIONS speak for themselves.   If you don’t know the answer to these questions, he isn’t that interested in you.   if you have to ask him these questions, he IS NOT into you.   the end.  

  16. 57
    JGirl

    Chance..LOL..yep.   
    If we are even on a first date..sex is on the mind.   Isn’t that all part of a relationship?   It’s when that is the ONLY part of a relationship … that’s when there is trouble.
      
    As to my guy .. who really never was and now has no chance of being..he was older than I am, acted like he was 17 and lied about his age to attract young women.   Soooo…texting wasn’t his only issue.   

    Older, younger..everyone does it.

  17. 58
    Karl R

    Kathleen, (#52)
    I agree with Chance (#57). Those two questions sound very insecure. At best, the man will be aware of Steve Harvey’s advice and recognize that you are following a script.
      
    Kathleen said: (#52)
    “I know how I feel by the second date.”
      
    How do you feel about being asked by the man, “How do you feel about me?”

  18. 59
    Kathleen

    J girl # 55    Sorry to hear that especially the grin but no apology   We’ve all had learning experiences that make us cringe 😉  
    Thanks Karl and Chance for your input . I think thats why Ive never   actually asked those questions, including last weekends second date !   He has continued to line up the third date and phone me every 1-2 days so the actions speak for themselves.
    The only guy that ever asked me the “feel about me” question was emotionally clingy … so Karl   point well taken!!!   

  19. 60
    JGirl

    I agree with the “feel about me” questions also Kathleen…I can sense how someone feels by his actions.   And yeah..the last catastrophe was very cringe worthy, but I learned a lot…about myself, about some men and about what I want and don’t want..and it was fun while it lasted…

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