How to Make a Guy Call Instead of Texting You

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I’ve been on record for saying how much I dislike texting. I even found a chart to tell you when to text and when not to text.

But texting MUST be the icing; it can’t be the cake.

The real issue is that texting is ubiquitous and it’s not going anywhere soon. Instead of using it as a way to say hi or let you know he’s running late, it becomes a crutch for real relationship communication. These days, there are men who use it as the ONLY way of keeping in touch. There are women who use it as the ONLY way of having a serious discussion.

These are inherently flawed strategies. A first-person piece on CNN.com concurs:

“A short text in the middle of the day to let someone know you are thinking of them is a sweet gesture. But if you imagine that sending a daily barrage of texts, such as “driving to work, heading to lunch, or just left a meeting” is a romantic way to show you are thinking of your partner, think again.”

To clarify – if these texts are used in ADDITION to phone, email, and actual dates, they’re fine. I text my wife to ask her to pick up something from the grocery store when she’s out. She texts me from the kitchen to tell me she loves me. But texting MUST be the icing; it can’t be the cake.

Yet that’s what’s been established. Men collect phone numbers online. They text five women at the same time. They never pick up the phone to make a true connection, because they want to keep their options open. And women complain that men aren’t stepping up to the plate.

They’re right in one regard – texting is a shitty form of communication. But it’s not HIS fault if the texting persists; ultimately it’s yours. If you accept that he only texts you, never calls you, never asks you out for a proper date, you’re tacitly CONDONING this behavior.

What incentive does he have to step up to the plate if he can get away with a minute of phone foreplay? Why SHOULD he call? Why SHOULD he plan dates? Really, if he can text you, on Friday night at 10: “Come over, I miss you,”. And you DO IT?! There’s no reason for him to spend more time, more money, more energy, or more emotion on you. He’s having his cake and eating it, too.

You want a guy to treat you like a serious relationship candidate instead of part of a harem? Insist on being treated that way.

“Thanks, cutie! I turn off my cell phone at night, but you can call me on my landline after 9. Talk to you then!”

“Aw, Jeff, you’re adorable. But if you want to see me, you’re gonna have to try a little harder. You have your phone in your hand. I have my phone in my hand. Press the little green dial button and see what happens!”

You want a guy to treat you like a serious relationship candidate instead of part of a harem? Insist on being treated that way.

“Glad to hear you’re having a great day, Brad. You know what would make it even better? If you were to hear the dulcet tones of my voice. 🙂 Hit me up tonight after I get back from the gym, okay?”

If the guy doesn’t respond, ignores your requests for phone time, and treats the phone as if it’s only a means to text, you know what you do?

You cut him loose. No emotion. Matter of fact.

You seem like a good guy, Alan, but I’m not looking for a texting buddy, I’m looking for a boyfriend. And since all you’ve done is text me twice a week for the past six weeks without any increased effort, I’m going to take that as a sign that you’re not that interested in a relationship. No hard feelings. I wish you the best of luck in your search. Take care.”

Don’t be afraid that you’re losing your potential boyfriend. You’re not. You’re freeing yourself of the burden of waiting for an indifferent man to show you he cares. If he cared about you, he’d WANT to call you, WANT to see you, WANT to commit to you.

The texter has already shown his stripes. All you’re doing is calling him on it.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Sparkling Emerald

    Kathleen 52
    I would NEVER ask a guy those questions, on a second date or any other date for that matter.   If he had any important feelings for me, he would let me know.   I would find a coy way to NOT answer the question if he put it to me, without first telling me how HE felt about me.  
    I don’t know what my date number “cut off” is for disappearing if the guy hasn’t been forthcoming with his feelings towards me.   I guess if I start having strong feelings for someone who hasn’t expressed strong feeling towards me.   (either by words or actions)
      
      

  2. 62
    Joe

    So Kathleen, you know how you feel by the second date–if the guy is game and answers your questions affirmatively, you’re willing to have the preacher set to go for Date 3?

  3. 63
    Selena

    All I’ve ever known how I thought/felt about a person on a second date, is that I was attracted enough to them to go ON that second date. 🙂
      
    I think it’s ridiculous to try to get someone to pinpoint more than that after only spending a few hours together.

  4. 64
    WhatsGoingOn

    Statistically speaking, women tend to know how they feel about a man earlier than he does.   From personal experience,  the range of 1-3 months (average, 6 weeks)  that  Evan advises  has  been fairly reasonable.   Assuming you see each other regularly like twice a week, if a guy is still wishy-washy after 3 months, then he is probably not that committed to you.   Doesn’t make him a bad guy, just not the right guy for you and you should just cut him loose.

  5. 65
    Kathleen

    Joe #63  
    By saying I know how if feel on date 2 , it means for me I know if it was fun, easy I liked his company and if I want to see him again for date 3   . (Evans advice if Im remembering that correctly)
    I don’t have attachment to any outcome until he asks to be my boyfriend and i don’t assume anything. Ive been watching his actions for the last few weeks and he’s done everything right and Im seeing if he’s right for me . During that time Ive eliminated other guys who have shown they aren’t relationship material (such as avoidant texters )    Im looking forward to seeing him this Sat for date 3 but ….no…… Im not lining up a preacher…. Im just going to observe if he moves things closer to a relationship.
    I didn’t ask those   Steve Harvey questions but I asked people in this forum what they thought of them so appreciate the input  
      
      
      

  6. 66
    Gina

    When I was in my early twenties and inexperienced with dating; I felt so disempowered when a guy text me, and just took whatever communication was offered because I thought maybe I was in the wrong.
    Now at 32, for instance I am online dating and when a guy asks me to either call or text them or vice versa, I am blunt and say that I prefer to talk to someone on the phone I am getting to know — I am old fashioned.   If they have issues with that I know they are not what I am looking for.   If there is a balance between texting and talking on the phone fine – but you know when a guy is playing you and just texting to do the bare minimum.
    It was funny because I received a first email on a dating site with a guy that you can easily see as a blanket email, because he included his phone number saying that I could call and text him in the first ever message.   I guess he is sitting back now just waiting, and waiting, and waiting for those calls to come in.

  7. 67
    josavant

    Isn’t this one of those things where it depends on individual preferences? There is nothing inherently  wrong about texting, and it could be used to advantages or disadvantages compared with other communication modes for either gender. Basically, if you don’t want to be texted, don’t text, and don’t look for texts. You can tell the person you’re interested in that you prefer emails or phone calls, and if they don’t honor that, you might not want to be with them anyway.

  8. 68
    starthrower68

    Hmmm since I hate to talk on the phone I guess I would have to pay closer attention.

  9. 69
    Nicole

    I think texting is lazy and in my experience, I was definitely getting the texts as an e-tether or from someone who wasn’t actually single and was trying to initiate some side action (never proven, just a strong hunch based on some behaviors from several people that I stopped responding too).   I had been contacted on two occasions by the same man, and he claimed he wanted to chat but when I gave him my number, he immediately lept into lame texts.   B/c if I don’t know you, you shouldn’t be calling me baby and I’m going to assume 10 other women got the same message, and you are being lazy in not remembering my name.   
    I did say, I don’t know you, and I’m not looking for a texting buddy and it did make him step it up with some phone calls.   He still was dragging things out and then decided after asking me to brunch that I needed to send him cell phone pics before he’d schedule anything (and yes, the pictures he’d seen online did show my figure so it just came across and crass and entitled).   
    That was immature and crass to me b/c I wouldn’t send pictures to ANY stranger and it’s not like he had everything I was looking for either but I didn’t think meeting in person was an awful way to decide whether to continue communicating.   
    Whatever.   I also don’t trust texting b/c it’s a good way for a cheater to play around, and my spidey senses go off by people who claim they are “too busy to call” when I do’nt even know them.   B/c if you are too busy to call you are too busy to have a girlfriend b/c what kind of woman would date a man who just wanted to pop up when he wants to pop up.
    Look, I’m young enough the emailing is very comfortable for me but I don’t think it’s how you get to know anyone.   I email and text people I already know well, and I still don’t see it as a substitute for real conversations.   
    Once you know someone, that might be a nice supplement but it just feels lazy and/or shady coming from a stranger.  

  10. 70
    Karl T

    Nicole,
    All of the issues you speak of with these past men and texting are not totally attributable to texting being bad.   The same thing could have happened in plenty of other forms.   I am not a big texter at all, but if 2 people are ok with it then it is NOT necessarily ‘LAZY’.   Do you always put down other people’s preferences just because YOU don’t like them?   Now if you suddenly run into a cheater who actually calls you, will you then start to dislike and not trust phone calls???
      

  11. 71
    Nicole

    @Karl T, I’m going to say that you are lazy since out of all of the people on this thread who said they didn’t like texting, you clearly only read (or felt the need to criticize) my answer.
    Different strokes for different folks and I’m sure I differing opinion on texting isn’t the only thing I’d dislike about you.

  12. 72
    Sparkling Emerald

    My favorite form of communication is face to face.   I actually had an “almost relationship” where I felt like I was being “phone tethered”.   This guy loved to call be several times a day, but RARELY made plans.   He would allude to vague plans, like we’ll do something towards the end of the week, plans, if they were ever made, changed at the last miniute etc.   I prefer the phone to be used to make plans, follow up or firm up plans, etc.   E-mail and texts are fine for “I’m thinking of you texts throughout in between dates, but without ACTUAL face to face time, ALL other communication could be a tether.   I’m not looking for a phone pal, e-pal, text-buddy.   I don’t want a relationship in cyber-space, I want a real world relationship.
    Your preferences may vary.  

  13. 73
    nathan

    I think Sparkling Emerald’s point is most apt here. All the back and forth about phoning vs. texting isn’t really going anywhere. Being together in person is always going to trump the other two, and probably whatever other technologies develop. And it seems to me that whatever you choose to do, it should be aiming you in the direction of meeting. And sooner rather than later. To me, all this stringing along stuff is most likely to happen when you see someone very little in person. It doesn’t matter much whether it’s texting or phoning going on, the big issue is that the “relationship” is virtual. Obviously, the rules are different if we’re talking long distance connections, but in general, I’d put a hell of a lot more stock in how much actual time a person wants to spend with you – and the quality of that experience – than on the chosen mode of contact in between. And those two together are important. A “great time” once a month doesn’t make a relationship, nor does a lot of time with someone that feels bland. This isn’t to suggest that what happens in between isn’t important, but I get the sense that at least a few here are basing their entire response to dates based on what form of technology they use.

  14. 74
    Karl T

    Nicole #72,
    I replied to your thread not because you dislike texting, but because you actually put down and judge other people who are ok with texting.   You’re extremely judgmental.   You really think people who text more than talk are lazy? That’s nuts.   
    We can all see how you so easily pass judgment on others.   You dislike me, but you don’t know me.   Others who text more than talk are lazy.   I hope others make assumptions about you and then we’ll see how you like being pre-judged.  

    1. 74.1
      Lisa

      Hi,
      I think that when you let a man know that you prefer talking and he continues to text only for the next few days, that he is lazy as hell.   However if you prefer text that that’s great.   It may actually work in your favor and leave the man wondering if he is still in your good graces-leading him to try harder.

  15. 75
    Joe

    I strongly suspect that most of the people here who have problems with texting do so in the early stages of dating, when they feel they ought to be getting to know someone and feel they can’t do it by text.   You can’t really get to know someone by phone either.   The only real way is in person where you can see them and their actions.
      
    In 6 months of dating my GF I don’t think we’ve ever had a phone conversation.   We knew each other and saw each other many times in person before we started dating, so we didn’t need to “get to know” each other by phone.   And we see each other at least once a week.   Some days we only text a little, some days we text a lot.   It’s an easy way to communicate without necessarily having to take time out of one’s busy schedule, or having to come up with something to talk about on the spot.

  16. 76
    Rochelle

    THANK YOU for this post, Evan.    I like texting sometimes and I realize spending time in person is best.   But away from that, texting   cannot be my only form of communication for a relationship. And men especially from dating   sites love to text.   If they ask me for my number, I’m assuming it will be a phone call, not a text… I want to hear their voice (and see if I even like how they sound. lol) And I attempt to put a stop to it from early on and have them call me.    Often they will call but then some resume texting so I   keep finding ways to cut the text conversations short. Then they end up calling again.      This post gives me great insight   on how to improve communicating my needs more clearly that I’m not looking for a text buddy and without sounding like a nag. perhaps they won’t resume texting as much now.   So again thank you for this. 🙂

  17. 77
    milo

    I prefer in person / texting.

  18. 78
    Danielle

    I guess I’m old school but I feel like texting is very impersonal … it’s okay for occasional chit chat but not for actual conversations.   If a man ever asked me out on a first date via text, the answer would be “no”.    If he cannot call me up and ask for a proper date the right way then there won’t be a first date.   

  19. 79
    Nicky

    ” change is inevitable, growth is intention”.   I agree so much with how you condition someone to treat you, is how you’ll be treated.   I was in a relationship with a man who at the beginning treated me great.   Towards the middle and end not very well.   I was no longer a priority and that is because I took whatever behavior.   Yes love is treating someone well but if you accept bad behavior no matter how much the person loves you,   they will show you bad behavior.   Great post!!!!!

  20. 80
    karly

    ha ha ha ha, this blog made me laugh so much!! Lol and more:-)) So true, it worked on a guy, who calls me his girlfriend now. Lots of work to do with him still ( there are still some communication issues..), but hopefully, I will work them out;-)

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