How to Make a Guy Call Instead of Texting You

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I’ve been on record for saying how much I dislike texting. I even found a chart to tell you when to text and when not to text.

But texting MUST be the icing; it can’t be the cake.

The real issue is that texting is ubiquitous and it’s not going anywhere soon. Instead of using it as a way to say hi or let you know he’s running late, it becomes a crutch for real relationship communication. These days, there are men who use it as the ONLY way of keeping in touch. There are women who use it as the ONLY way of having a serious discussion.

These are inherently flawed strategies. A first-person piece on CNN.com concurs:

“A short text in the middle of the day to let someone know you are thinking of them is a sweet gesture. But if you imagine that sending a daily barrage of texts, such as “driving to work, heading to lunch, or just left a meeting” is a romantic way to show you are thinking of your partner, think again.”

To clarify – if these texts are used in ADDITION to phone, email, and actual dates, they’re fine. I text my wife to ask her to pick up something from the grocery store when she’s out. She texts me from the kitchen to tell me she loves me. But texting MUST be the icing; it can’t be the cake.

Yet that’s what’s been established. Men collect phone numbers online. They text five women at the same time. They never pick up the phone to make a true connection, because they want to keep their options open. And women complain that men aren’t stepping up to the plate.

They’re right in one regard – texting is a shitty form of communication. But it’s not HIS fault if the texting persists; ultimately it’s yours. If you accept that he only texts you, never calls you, never asks you out for a proper date, you’re tacitly CONDONING this behavior.

What incentive does he have to step up to the plate if he can get away with a minute of phone foreplay? Why SHOULD he call? Why SHOULD he plan dates? Really, if he can text you, on Friday night at 10: “Come over, I miss you,”. And you DO IT?! There’s no reason for him to spend more time, more money, more energy, or more emotion on you. He’s having his cake and eating it, too.

You want a guy to treat you like a serious relationship candidate instead of part of a harem? Insist on being treated that way.

“Thanks, cutie! I turn off my cell phone at night, but you can call me on my landline after 9. Talk to you then!”

“Aw, Jeff, you’re adorable. But if you want to see me, you’re gonna have to try a little harder. You have your phone in your hand. I have my phone in my hand. Press the little green dial button and see what happens!”

You want a guy to treat you like a serious relationship candidate instead of part of a harem? Insist on being treated that way.

“Glad to hear you’re having a great day, Brad. You know what would make it even better? If you were to hear the dulcet tones of my voice. 🙂 Hit me up tonight after I get back from the gym, okay?”

If the guy doesn’t respond, ignores your requests for phone time, and treats the phone as if it’s only a means to text, you know what you do?

You cut him loose. No emotion. Matter of fact.

You seem like a good guy, Alan, but I’m not looking for a texting buddy, I’m looking for a boyfriend. And since all you’ve done is text me twice a week for the past six weeks without any increased effort, I’m going to take that as a sign that you’re not that interested in a relationship. No hard feelings. I wish you the best of luck in your search. Take care.”

Don’t be afraid that you’re losing your potential boyfriend. You’re not. You’re freeing yourself of the burden of waiting for an indifferent man to show you he cares. If he cared about you, he’d WANT to call you, WANT to see you, WANT to commit to you.

The texter has already shown his stripes. All you’re doing is calling him on it.

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Comments:

  1. 81
    Sparkling Emerald

    I have been debating weather or not to keep my land line.   I think I’ll keep it, ONLY for the fact that it doesn’t receive texts.   So when a guy asks for my #, I’ll give him the land line because “the reception is much better”.   I won’t give out my cell phone # until he is the habit of CALLING me 🙂
      

    1. 81.1
      jackie spero

      You are smart! sparkling!

    2. 81.2
      moon

      good idea!   give him a time window to call….if he doesn’t, dump him.

  2. 82
    SparklingEmerald

    I just recently starting making this part of my the pre-meet in person e-mail exchange.
    I will ask a series of binary questions such as
    Limericks or Haikus’s ?
    Ginger or Maryanne ?
    Talk or Text ?
    Of course, the only answer that matters, is the last one !
      

  3. 83
    Amy

    Oh my god everything you’re saying is exactly how I feel. Thank you for this.

  4. 84
    Max

    It has been an interesting discussion. I personally don’t like phone calls. I don’t know why, but it seems to me it is rather typical for introverts. We tend to prefer non-realtime medium, like e-mail. I wouldn’t normally text either except for quickly checking some details, e.g. if someone is running late. Of course, I’d call, if the other party prefers phone calls. I am not that socially awkward. But I know I’d probably be somewhat uncomfortable deep inside, which could be sensed and could create a wrong impression. Therefore, ideally I’d prefer to start with e-mail conversations to ensure we could hold an intellectual conversation and then move directly to meet each other in person. This is just me. But if a similar preference is common for most introverts, then pushing for phone calls early in the relationship may cut out a lot of good candidates as introverts make a substantial part of population.   

  5. 85
    Melanie

    What about those of us ladies who find phone calls awkward and uncomfortable?

    1. 85.1
      moon

      why do you find them uncomfortable?   how do you feel in person?   in person is the real test.   if it doesn’t work in person….then what’s the point?   do you just want a virtual relationship?   you have to look deep inside yourself for those answers.

  6. 86
    Niya

    If a man values a woman, he will dial her number. Point blank! Forget about staying with the times, men have so many options nowadays and woman have to step up and put these men in their place or move on to the next one. I’ve had shy men call me that’s because they valued the date

    1. 86.1
      moon

      i agree. i put my foot down right from the beginning with texting…I refuse to do it unless we’ve gone out three or four times on real dates.   these men need to learn how to talk.   that’s what being human is all about.   i am all for texting once you get to know each other in person….in addition to phone calls, dates and/or emails.   getting to know each other is a process and many guys under 40 have been brought up with instant gratification as the expected norm by video games, sports and sex on demand.   their brains have been rewired from when they were a little boy.   if he doesn’t want to talk….dump him.   he’s not worth it.   he’s emotionally unavailable.  

      1. 86.1.1
        Niya

        Moon, you should write a book. You have wisdom a lot of woman don’t know or have. Share it with the world honey 😉  

  7. 87
    moon

    I go dancing….and I tell these online guys to meet me where I dance.   It’s a public place, lots of people around.   Works well…if no attraction/connection…they leave and I dance with other guys, lol.   No pressure. No worries.   People used to meet at dances and other public venues in the good old days.   This tactic still works if you want to just cut to the chase without all the communication portals.     Because in the end…it’s all about physical and mental attraction and many many people love to hide behind texting, email and phone calls.

    1. 87.1
      Niya

      Great dating strategy. I will use that on my next date 😉  

  8. 88
    Ifyouseekay

    Had a real bf and we had to be long distance, instead of making up to me with more phonecalls or video because we’re away, he just texts me sometimes once or twice a day bcz he says he’s always busy or in bad mood of something. Then i met someone online, physically and everything way better than my bf, this great guy never skipped a day without calling me whenever he can even when he is out with his buddies or working he let me Know his schedule and availability. Had to test him for a year if he’s consistent till i finally agreed to let him come and travel to japan all the way from germany to see our chemistry. The rest was a fairy tale, of course i broke up with the bf who never make phonecalls and he tried to changed my mind. But i fell inlove more with the man who never make me wonder when to talk bcz he shows better signs of being into me despite the distance. Now after two years of long distancce, he’s finally moving to japan and we’re currently planning on our marriage.

  9. 89
    Kim

    Oh my goodness! I can’t believe I fell for this,for over a month. This guy messaged me on Okcupid, lives close and we even talked on the phone. He canceled our first meet an called me because he didn’t want me to take it personal, I said I didn’t we all get sick st some point. Wow this was an eye opener after planning on seeing him this weekend, he said I was demanding, because I wanted to chat more. He opened up about the fear of getting hurt again, and I revealed my reason for feeling the same. Now he maybe he’s not sure of me, but he comes off like a picture hound, I’m the one who sends the pictures. I told him that I’ve sent enough to tied him over until he sees me for real. Ha! Well I guess it’s time for me to say after over a month it was fun while it lasted handsome, love the pic’s, though I’m looking for a dating buddy not just a texting buddy. I guess he didn’t want to go out for his birthday after all.

  10. 90
    Kim

    Oh my goodness! I can’t believe I fell for this,for over a month. This guy messaged me on Okcupid, lives close and we even talked on the phone. He canceled our first meet an called me because he didn’t want me to take it personal, I said I didn’t we all get sick st some point. Wow this was an eye opener after planning on seeing him this weekend, he said I was demanding, because I wanted to chat more. He opened up about the fear of getting hurt again, and I revealed my reason for feeling the same. Now he maybe he’s not sure of me, but he comes off like a picture hound, I’m the one who sends the pictures. I told him that I’ve sent enough to tied him over until he sees me for real. Ha! Well I guess it’s time for me to say after over a month it was fun while it lasted handsome, love the pic’s, though I’m looking for a dating buddy not just a texting buddy. I guess he didn’t want to go out for his birthday after all. Thank Evan!! And to all who commented! I have more insight now and a level of confidence with having this knowledge..

  11. 91
    Rebecca

    Dear Evan Marc Katz as result of this certain article I have cut loose many guys who couldn’t be bothered after I asked. Anyways a man who I meet online who I was playing email ping pong asked me out I simply said if he really wanted to take me out he will need put more effort in and call me. To my surprise he did he said he loved chasing women and was unattracted when they chased him so now to any man who wants to date me I will do this to see who is serious no more excuses for just accepting messages . I felt empowered by doing this and saw he really listened. He said he will call again tomorrow so we shall see but if he does I’ll know I found a good one and that I’ll only mirror not matter how I feel for a man and will keep my options open until one is my bf. Thankyou Evan 🙂 no more wasting time on men to just text

  12. 92
    Kay

    I’m honestly exhausted. I come back to this post and comment thread every time a new man throws his phone number at me in his second message telling me to text him.

    I always counter with “I usually don’t have my phone on me throughout the day” or “Call me old fashion, but I’d love to hear your voice and get to know you voice-to-voice,” give my number and ask them to give me a call after 6pm any evening.

    Every single instance has gone one of two ways:

    1. He ignores my request/invite to call and proceeds to text me. I don’t respond. They text again days to a week later. I don’t respond. They gonbackward and turn to email or messaging and ask how I am. I never respond. They never contact again.

    Or

    2. They text one evening. We share a few friendly, get to know you texts. Somehow they toss in a comment about “wishing they were right there next to in the couch watching a movie/eating dinner/listening to music” or whatever task I’m doing. Mind you, I’ve neither met nor spoken to the man, but they seem to immediately believe I will invite them into my home. I send back a lighthearted, “one day, perhaps you can be!” They never text again and I have yet another strangers phone number in my phone.

    It has come to the point you can’t even get to a phone call or a date.

    I just received three texts massages and three photo in a row from a man I very clearly and politely asked to call me after 7pm

    Like… Come on, dude. Come. On.

    Exhausted.

     

    1. 92.1
      Lin

      Don’t be to nice. If you want them to call, just tell them : Call me. End of story . You are the catch, but don’t wait for miracles either. No call no party his loss. But to be honest if he does, wont change a thing if he is a jackass ….

  13. 93
    Kay

    My bad. I just got an email update from him. He said he “Sent a text, but didnt hear back so wasn’t sure if I got it.” He then wrote his number again and told me to text him. He told me to “ONLY text because he has his girls (daughter) and through the week.”

    He actually used those words, “Only text me…”

    I told him I have plenty of time to speak this weekend if that works for him and to give me a call anytime Friday through Sunday to chat voice-to-voice. I am by no means naive enough to believe he will or “can.” He’s ignoring my preferences and attempting to force me to text with him for a reason. Even if he truly is a divorced man and sharing custody, one can find a way to speak in private if one truly wants.  He could have taken a few minutes and called during his work day. He could have offered to call on the weekend when his “girls” aren’t there. He is attempting to force me to text with him. The reason why I shall not  waste my time or energy worrying about further.

    Moving on.

  14. 94
    Kits

    Why I Agree: I just ended the 2nd relationship in 10 months where I met the guy on a social media app, it grew in to a romance on the “line” app, all through texts, then I found they were both hiding their marriages. End of story. Never again (both were long distance).

    Why I Disagree: Given this article is tuned toward “If you want the guy to call you”, this is not so much of a disagree, but I’m interested in a new guy, and we text more than call because we are foodies and zip food pictures back and forth. Our calls have been awkward, and texting helps us both (I think) flirt, and feel comfortable when others are in earshot. That said, when I feel we need to up a notch- I’m definately following this article’s advice. I don’t want a 3rd offender (It’s another LDR),

  15. 95
    Josie

    Hi Kits-

    Why the focus on LDRs?   They seem to be the common denominator with your problems as of late.

    Just an observation…

  16. 96
    Kits

    Josie, you’re right! It’s because every guy I come across is married, married, married. Even when I’m hit on, and flirted with, there is a dang ring on their finger! Something about me shoots out vibes to married men, and not single ones. I’d never entertain such a thing- so I don’t know what it is. I’ve had to resort to social networks and online dating, but then they are out of state, and it’s obviously not such a great filter…

  17. 97
    Katt

    Love this ! Its absolutely true

  18. 98
    DizzyBritches

    I love this post!   Thank you for some reassurance that not every guy has lost his mind on the subject! And yes,   a text message is inferior to a phone call.   Always. Unless you’re lost and need directions to your date’s house. I would go so far as saying that text messages are only the teaspoon of vanilla that goes into the icing.

  19. 99
    Nisha

    I have found this post and everyone’s comments to be interesting. I honestly prefer texting. It is easier for me with work and then after work taking care of my daughter. There is hardly time to talk on the phone except for maybe 5 mins or less. Or waiting until my daughter is sleep but by then I’m tired an want to sleep myself. I have started asking men to call me if we are texting extensively but I   honestly am doing it mostly because I feel I am supposed to and believe that is how dating should work. I enjoy talking on the phone every once in awhile and when time allows especially if  conversation is good but I’m comfortable either way as long as there is variety—texting, calling and face to face. I wonder though if many of you are older than me because I primarily talk to everyone, friends and family, via text except my mom. Texting does not affect my relationship with them… I’m 31 and have been texting since I had a cell phone. I joke that I use my phone for everything except phone calls. I like the example responses to request calls though and have been using them more just to add variety for when I would like to speak on the phone. Please don’t think I’m emotionally unavailable because I’m not. And I would argue that men are not texting to be elusive but rather it’s just easier with gym, meetings, kids, etc. If you want to talk on the phone, just tell them. If they don’t call, let them go…

  20. 100
    Kitsa

    I can kinda see your point. I’m dating a full custody single father of 4, who is an elementary school teacher. He literally has 0 time where he can talk sexy with me. We have to text it. He’s mobbed with people day to night. I told him to call me early on, and our relationship halted. Texting lets us be the people we are without editing our comments. I’m also dating the guy I referred to above who’s a pilot, and same thing. He can literally never call during the day without gobs of people on him. Plus, we text recipes and talk about them later. He does call after he’s in the hotel room, or at home. But, I’m talking to a third guy who has no excuse, and I’m lowering the Katz boom on him today. No more pen palsies.

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