Is My Guy Shit Testing Me?

Pretty woman looking at his man on a date

I am currently seeing a guy, for just over a month now (we just recently slept together), and he’s been very disclosing about what he’s looking for. He’s also very up front with his past relationships, what he won’t tolerate in relationships, and so on and so forth. Charles is a Type A guy, successful businessman who demands a lot of things from the people around him. He does not take any crap from people, and is bluntly truthful. We have been very honest throughout our courtship, any questions he’s got, I’ll answer. I’m not one to pry normally, and perhaps that is to my detriment a little bit. I have been called confusing, and been told by this man that he does not know quite where he stands with me. We know a decent amount about our past relationships, my past engagements (yes, “s”, as in 2), and our recent dating history. He is very affectionate, even in front of his roommates/friends, introduces me to new people if we run into them, takes me on dates, usually calls every night, but is insanely busy overall.

In all of his honesty, Charles seems to be almost testing me, and seeing what my reaction will be to certain things. Here are a few examples: sharing about his exes (I realize there’s a reason they are exes, that’s not my concern), talking about past sexual experiences (again, not a jealousy issue), letting me know that he doesn’t find it “appropriate” to continue speaking with someone you previously dated, when he’s involved with someone, and that he will not tolerate anyone who does that. He also will lets me know if someone from his past pops up, FB messages him, texts him, what they want, etc., makes jokes about our future “60 years down the road” (exact quote), and asks me if anyone from my past has contacted me recently.

I have no issue being honest, but I wonder if I’m getting set up! There are others, and of course more details that I could share, but I’m beginning to think him sharing and letting me know that he is expecting these things is his way of testing me. Is this something that guys do? Is Charles testing me with these things?

Thanks, Donna

This is probably my confirmation bias as a male dating coach who listens to women all day long, or as a man who dated 300+ women, but this sounds a lot like the things that women do to test men. And, like you, I don’t like it one bit.

It’s in the asking of the question that the person issuing these shit tests ultimately fails.

No one wants to get hurt.
No one wants to waste his/her time.
No one wants to invest years of falling in love, only to find out that you’re ultimately incompatible.

So what do people do? Little shit tests like this to try to gather information in advance.

In addition to what you wrote above, I’ve heard all sorts of similar tests:

    1. So…where do you see yourself in five years? (To ensure he wants marriage and kids.)
    2. So…how many people have you slept with? (To ensure he’s not an immoral slut.)
    3. So…what kind of car do you drive? (To ensure he’s successful and stylish.)
    4. So…have you ever cheated on anyone before? (To ensure he’s not that kind of guy.)
    5. So…are you in touch with any of your exes? (To ensure he’s emotionally available.)

Understand, the ideas behind these questions are actually quite reasonable. It’s in the asking of the question that the person issuing these shit tests ultimately fails.

His answer will tell you far more than I can.

Because if you’re asking these questions, you’re only indicating that you’re afraid, insecure, and mistrustful that you can’t gather information organically over time. Which is why you resort to “interviewing” your date to find out if he/she gives the “right” answers to your questions.

The problem is that it’s awkward. It makes a partner feel like a piece of meat. He/she knows she’s being tested, and probably doesn’t enjoy it.

So I can’t speak to how other people handle things, but as a direct communicator, I’d come out and say it. “Hey, I’m getting the sense that you’re “testing” me on issues of communication and fidelity. Do you want to tell me about issues you’ve had in the past with women? Because these questions feel a bit uncomfortable and inorganic to me.” And then let him speak.

His answer will tell you far more than I can.

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  1. 21

    Could someone (or, more than one) please define, “shit test” for me?   I’m not actually sure of what it means…

    1. 21.1

      Great Question.   I think a shit test is when some one manipulates or tests someone by acting shitty.    Ninety percent of the time, people shit test by not talking so this guy may be blunt or rude but he probably isn’t  shit testing.   Also, people don’t usually realize they are acting shitty.    It usally a response to some other slight.   For example, a date orders an appetizer you don’t like.   So instead of ordering another appetizer  or speaking up  like an adult, you  try to make your date feel crappy about his actions.

    2. 21.2
      Karmic Equation

      I term any behavior shit testing if the behavior is designed to elicit a response with which you will use to judge a person.

      Example of a shit test given by a guy: Opens passenger side door to let you in (gentlemanly) — however, he will judge you if don’t then slide over to open the driver door. You open it, you’re unselfish. If you don’t you are selfish.

      Example of a shit test given by a woman: Gushes to new bf about what a great Christmas present her first bf gave her. And expects him to get jealous or to give her a similarly extravagant give. And then judges him if he DOESN’T get jealous or doesn’t give her a similar extravagant gift. The guy gets jealous or buys her an extravagant, she now knows how much he likes her and that she can manipulate him. If he doesn’t do either, she knows can’t control him. Most likely, she’ll move on to a more malleable guy.

      In the case of Buck, his shit test was a “brisk walk” to teach “lying, unfit” women a lesson since he knew they were unlikely to keep up with him.

      So shit tests are shitty tests GIVEN to another party not, shitty behavior on the part of the tester, imo.

  2. 22
    In Not Of

    And we wonder why we can’t meet anyone.

  3. 23

    Run for the hills! I understand someone discussing their preferences and maybe issues they’ve had in the past but words like “tolerate” bother me. These are early   signs of someone very demanding and controlling. We get these warnings but ignore them.

  4. 24

    It’s fine to maintain contact with exes but layout boundary. Who you want your bf or husband cyber sex with his exes or talk about their past sexual encounters. I was so confident that my guy wouldn’t do such thing. After a honeymoon fever, people get bored. 3 to 4 years later, what you gonna do when you discover your husband is more intimate with his exes emotionally? You gonna play everything in your head and you gonna say that aha moment “Now, I understand. No wonder why my husband was…towards me because he is still in love with his ex.” It will sting you. It will insult you to the bone.

    Don’t settle for less. Don’t negotiate. It’s better to be single than wasting your life away for ONE man.

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