My Boyfriend Won’t Stop Talking About His Ex-Girlfriend!

I am dating this guy I really like. We have been dating since November of last year. 

We both believe in being up-front about things so he made it a point to tell me he wanted to take it slow because he has rushed into relationships in the past. We do have sex and it is great!

The main issue I have with him however is that he talks about his ex-girlfriend a lot; I feel like he is still hung up on her. She is a drug user and he knows he’s better off without her, but is still drawn to her. Should I bail on this relationship or talk to him at length regarding this issue?


Dear Lerene,

You’re probably asking the wrong person.

I’m serious.

I’m one of those people who doesn’t see anything wrong in dredging up the name of ex’s for one simple and obvious reason: THEY’RE EX’S!!! There’s a reason I’m not with them and whether they dumped me or I dumped them, it amounts to the same thing: the case is closed.

And if I’m in a committed relationship and I want my girlfriend to really understand me, she needs to hear my crazy stories. This is my history, this is my rocky path, this is my life. The mere concept that I shouldn’t mention how crazy this ex was, or how devotedly misguided I was to another ex, is silly. But again, I’m not pining for them, putting them up on a pedestal, or talking to them four times a day. I’m sharing a very important part of my past, like talking about the way I was in high school, or my deceased father. These are the facts; I hope you choose to accept them.

To my girlfriend’s credit, she is a virtual Rolodex of Evan’s ex- stories. And it doesn’t faze her in the least. Because she knows it has nothing to do with her. And I know, when she gets emotional or vulnerable when sharing the pain of her failed marriage, that it has nothing to do with ME. She doesn’t miss her ex-husband. She misses the innocence, happiness and security that she felt when she was in that relationship. As a result, I do everything I can to make her feel special, including not getting jealous if she talks about the good times she had before the marriage fell apart.

While it may not feel good to know that your guy has latent feelings for someone else, as long as you don’t think he’s going to act on them, you should probably get over it.

This is all about removing your ego from the equation and looking at the facts in front of you. You didn’t give me many details so it’s really up to you to decide:

Is he talking about her because he wants her back? Or is he saying that he really cared about her, but she was fatally flawed? Because those are two different things. While it may not feel good to know that your guy has latent feelings for someone else, as long as you don’t think he’s going to act on them, you should probably get over it.


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  1. 61

    I’m not listening to any man talking about an ex. If he wants to relive the past….possibly because he can’t let go, then he can go and talk to a counsellor.
    There is a difference between sharing experiences, and talking about relationships that no longer matter. I keep reading that men live in the present, so LIVE in the present and stop talking the past. 🙂

  2. 62

    #60- yes you should question your relationship. And if you decide to have a threesome, don’t let it be with one of his exes for crying out loud!

  3. 63

    I just got dealing with this same situation. Each date little it’d bits would come up, the. After a few more dates lots more it’d bits then lengthy conversations. My best advice, too is that you can’t change these guys. Yeah sure they will stop, for awhile about their exes, but only temporarily.

    It really was a buzz kill, he ruined our relationship with the comparisons of his wife to me, and even her daughter to my son. Whatever. I told him goodbye, go hire a therapist,I don’t want to nurse anyone that lives in the past.

    I think some guys talk about their exes to turn us off. To build a wall so we cant see them, just their exes, I started feeling sorry for his ex, felt like I knew her better than him. What a drag,he was a cool guy except for the ex talk.

    Goodbye ex talker.

  4. 64

    I agree with Angel #61. I don’t see anything wrong with mentioning an ex every now and then, or even remaining in touch after a break up. Sometimes people are better off as friends and it doesn’t mean you aren’t over it/want the person back, especially if it’s been years.

    But if she comes up EVERY SINGLE TIME you’re together, that’s a red flag to me especially when you’re working on building a new relationship. I found myself in that situation expecting it to change. It didn’t. I understand where he may have been coming from but he didn’t respect how I felt about it. He pretended to and would go back to it. Plus he seemed like he may have been emotionally unavailable, another red flag. So I had to let him go.

  5. 65

    I have fallen for this man who was engaged and his fiancé cheated on him. He’s been single for a year. I was single for 6 years. We’ve been together for 4 months. He talks about his ex and other exes allllllllllllll the time.
    Initially I asked him not to, and then I had to adapt as he wasn’t able to share enough. I’ve told him to go for it, that it will be hard for me, but that I want him to be able to talk freely.
    I was getting on the treadmill yesterday, and he told me that his ex had a step counter and that she had walked 18 km at work in one day. I just said really, got off the treadmill and went and poured myself a glass of red. I don’t need to know trivial information like this. At all. What’s the use of it!!!!!
    I didn’t tell him how angry and hurt I was. Some stories have been of a sexual nature and I’ve asked him to stop. I don’t want to talk about my past with him, because there are parts of my past that I am not proud of. It’s embarrassing when he meets my friends because he talks non stop and brings up stories about their life together. I need to talk to him and ask him to find a happy medium. Every time he talks about her, it pushes me away. Sometimes I’m okay with it though, especially if he’s bagging her, or if I am feeling strong! I don’t want to feel this negative energy about her. I feel like I could write a book about her because I know soooooo much. It’s so rude, inconsiderate and inappropriate. Sometimes I’ll come straight back with an ex story, just to give one back, ha.:)
    What’s the saying? Don’t talk about your ex or I’ll be your next! Or focus on your next! Ex files. Should stay in the past. I know too much. My mind gets clouded and weary from your pain. It’s enough now.

    1. 65.1

      I’m having a similar problem. I’ve been living with my bf for nearly a year and we had a row the other day about how much he talks about his ex’s. I have discussed with ex partners our previous relationship history (at length) but never have I felt so hurt before. He is still in contact with all his ex’s via fb and they often share personal memories, which wouldn’t ordinarily phase me. However since my bf insists on relating many of our experiences or conversations to past (positive) memories of an ex I have become very sensitive. For example, we could pass a road sign and suggest we go visit some nearby attraction, he asked, “had I not been there?” I said no and it might be nice to take a picnic and spend a day there together. He tells me ‘we’ took my children there once (I’m not bothered at this point, I love his grown up kids and love hearing these stories), I do wonder which ‘we’ he means but let it pass. When finished telling about the day he goes on to say what a wonderful time of his life that was and how much his kids loved his ex (not their mum but still not phased). This is where he goes on to tell me about other wonderful days they had together, about how much she made him laugh and the times they had with friends and trips they took, times they got drunk and ended up being naughty somewhere they shouldn’t. About her family and how much he loved them and misses them if only she hadn’t run off with someone from work. How she had cheated on him but he still asked her to marry him. The next conversation will be about his ex wife, who until I complained still referred to her as his wife. Someone will say something funny on TV and he will tell me a story of his ex wife’s brother who did or said something funny (I’m enjoying the story until..) Then it turns into her ex employer or the great parties they attended at his friend’s, who I only just met this week (no pressure) where his wife (forgets the ex) started snogging his best friend (female who has been his on/off lover also ((I know details)) and it was so funny. His ex was the only woman he wanted to marry, then a couple of sentences later jokes about how he will never marry me because he’s never going there again. With every story I feel….less somehow. I’m not going mad, not being unfair, never been the jealous type . He isn’t present with me. I told him I didn’t do these wonderful things with you, I’m not resentful of you having these memories but I want to be special to you too. He didn’t comment and I’m not sure he understood. I’m worried I’ve damaged our relationship and frankly part of me is glad I’ve finally said something. I didn’t mention that I accidentally came across naked kinky pictures of him and his last ex gf when we were moving who is much younger than me. I feel sad and not good enough and that I can’t give him what he needs. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest

  6. 66

    i hate it when my boyfriend starts to talk about her ex-girlfriend. it really shows that he is not over with his past. he usually thinks about her. i feel was just a rebound. until such time i let him choose if who is worth for him, me or his ex. he choose me but i was bother if i was really meant to be choose for. i cant help myself thinking about his ex or his past. but when i read this site <a href=””>can`t stop thinking about</a> i do now understand and realize that theres no need for me to think about her past. for her ex is just a portion to his past and i am the present, i should be take as a whole and be focused.

  7. 67

    I dated a guy who constantly talked about his female room-mate. She was 10+ yrs older than him, a neighbor whose lease ran out same time as him and they wanted to save $ so got a 2bed apartment together. She worked nights and was hardly there at the same time as he was, so he said it was great – almost like living alone. Purely platonic. But he talked about her ALL THE TIME. It was ridiculous. We would be shopping and he would say things like, “Julie would love this, I should buy it for her”. He would call and text her to see where she was and what she was doing so we could go join her or would start chatting with her while I was sitting there. He told me her relationship problems with her exes and her current BF, her health issues, her job, her income, her family history….EVERYTHING! She was a horrible, narcissistic, depressed b—- who made sure to tell me all the time how my BF would do anything for her. She would tickle, kiss, and hug him in front of me. She would also call him names when she was in a bad mood and treat him like a slave, sending him on errands, yelling at him like he was a child if he didn’t do something the way she wanted it done. I got so sick of hearing about this selfish jerk and being forced to hang with her that I asked him, is there something going on with you and Julie because you talk about her waaaaaay too much and something is not right here. He acted indignant and said they were friends, period, how dare I ask that, he would NEVER be interested in her, they are just being good friends and room mates. But he continued to talk about her, on and on and on for another month. So I asked again. This time he got mad and accused me of being jealous of her because she was “so hot”! WTH? Um, no, not jealous and hello, she was not hot in the least. One MORE month of chatter about this chick and I was done. Confronted him one last time and would not let him make me feel bad about asking! He finally admitted they had been F-buddies on and off for a couple years! She had wanted more but he just used her for drunk sex and something to do when bored. She had known it but had hoped that would change so now she was bitter, in her mid 40s, no kids, no more attention from a young guy, and no ring in sight or ever likely from anyone. No wonder she was such a shit to me. So sometimes it’s not just “ex” talk you need to be careful about. I’ve found there really is a difference: you can talk about an ex in a frank open way, tell stories about something you did together like a trip, just talk to express what’s happened in your life. Then there is ex talk that is indicative of a still existing desire to stay connected whether sexually or emotionally. In this case I think he really was just too stupid to see that he was staying way too close to a toxic person, and she was desperately trying to hang on to the attention he once paid to her that was fading because of me. She was so pissed he never cared about her except as FWB. I think quality and quantity are the words to keep in mind when a BF/GF talks about their exes (or anyone else of the opposite sex for that matter). If you feel something is off, you could be right. I should have trusted my gut and saved myself months of stress.

  8. 68

    I wanna ask the person first, is it okay to tell you my history? Do u care to listen? Do u wannahear it?or as simple as do u mind? And if anyone talks about ex overtime without even an anemic attempt to ask your permission is a sure sign of disrespect. Remember what it feels like when we are in a classroom and the topic is boring? We cannot tell the teacher to stop because we respect her. So jeannie, think about it. If he doesnt give a damn on how youre gonna react or feel about the the past, he sure doesnt and will not be with u in the future. You will end up as sponge. And that is going to mess u up.coz u had sex.
    A lot of men would want u to hear their ex to either lure uwith the money they spent, make u feel theyre the victim, or boosting their ego by telling how beautiful the ex was.

  9. 69

    I just read this whole blog and there are very interesting points. I generally do not agree with discussing an Ex, unless it is done respectfully and in the spirit of I care about you and I have learned from the past or relating stories without the agenda of making comparisons or keeping you at arm’s length. I dated a man for 9 months who had many qualities that worked well for me AND who divorced ‘the only woman he had ever loved.’  He shared some things about himself that apparently I and Sandra were the only ones he had ever told.  So, I thought we were building trust and that I was important to him. However, he spoke about their special times at points when WE were having a great time or about to become closer because we shared something important. I was patient, but truly, the behavior damaged my confidence in our growing relationship. For example we were in New York City, glowing happy, about to see a show and a man came up to us and asked if we were movie stars.  It was exhilarating. He then said, ‘This happened to Sandra and me! She has been compared to Darrell Hannah.’  He also made a point to drive me by their first house and pointed out the screened in porch where they shared morning coffee in the sun. They share teenage children, so he was on the phone with her a lot and his voice was like honey. I saw a therapist at the time and recounted numerous stories and how I felt.  She told me it didn’t mean he didn’t care about me. Her feedback made me question my instincts that he had not moved on or he wanted to keep me from getting close. I have also had loving boyfriends and special experiences, but never shared those stories because frankly, why? Did he need to know about the times I was happy and in love? – I was with him and wanted to be present and let him know he was special and we were building our own memories  – every time he talked like that, a piece of me crumbled.  The last straw was when we were at a music festival and he described how beautiful a woman’s physique was who was lying on the lawn and then later with a grin, said another woman was flashing him. When I talked with him about it, he made me feel like I was crazy and unreasonable, that ‘it was over with Sandra, but we will always be connected due to the children.’ It ended and the overwhelming feeling was relief. So, my thought is to trust your instincts, communicate how it feels, and if you get the – “What, that’s crazy, you’re insecure or unreasonable” – then walk…..

  10. 70

    This post has really helped me. Seeing my bf talking about how bad his past relationships/exes were and the elaborate stories of how they used him had really made me insecure. I agree with Evan that people do need to talk about past relationships because it does shape what you do with your current one, I just wish my bf wouldnt keep on bringing up the same old story over and over again of how they all used him.
    But Evan is right, its like talking about a father who has passed on or what you did in high school. What a great analogy that is.

  11. 71

    As I see no one minds hearing about ex BS, I do, I don’t care what he has done with ex’s, nor will I tell him what iv done with my ex’s, I have never ever shared that with any boyfriend, or my present husband, I find all this sharing past love, and love making very odd, but we are all different.
    None of my ex’s have ever shared anything about their ex’s ether.
    Im looking at this site and others because my friends new husband is still after 3 years talking about his ex non stop, every commercial is about her some how, every tv show is about her some how, he still calls her by his ex’s name in bed.
    I have told her this is not normal , but after viewing all your comments, wow im in shock that anyone thinks this is acceptable.  where is the respect for one another feelings & why spend precious time on earth sharing past relationships with your new relationship.
    If you have a need to express your ego maybe do it with a friend, not a new love.

  12. 72

    I don’t, and will never, understand the need to perpetually mention an ex. When it comes to talking about the vital parts of a relationship, yes, sometimes those things have to come up. But to mention them regularly and habitual stories involving them, that’s so horribly disrespectful to the new girl. The fact that this girl is a “rolodex of his ex stories” says a lot about him, and nothing good. Clearly he can’t focus on his present with her if she knows that much about his past girlfriends.

    1. 72.1

      I prefer not to talk about an ex at all. But, then one woman I dated asked and I said I preferred not to talk about it, so this only made her want to dig and dig. She wouldn’t let up. What is it with women sometimes? If you talk freely about your past, it’s a problem. If you don’t want to talk about it, you must be hiding something.

      Truthfully, the past is the past and is better left in the past. Worry about the here and now.

  13. 73

    I disagree with everyone for this reason. If you can’t shut up about your x, then you are not over them, then you konw you should not be dating. If you put them in the past, leave them in the past. How can you allow your new relationship to grow if everytime you with the new person, the old x names has to be brought up. You are stalling the growth of your new relationship and it is also not healthy in God eyes. It does not allow you to emotional connect with your new spouse without using them as a shoulder to cry on over an X. If all your emotional connect is primarly based on someone giving you a shoulder to cry or ear to rant in over your x, then how are you really connecting emotionally with your x. Before you go dating and moving on to someone new, you should have packed away all the stuff that reminds you of your x or got rid of it. Stop calling you x, YES, stop. Often people keep in contact with their x to keep the door slightly open incase they want to start things up again. You got to cut connection with them so that you seek new emotional love from a new partner. leaning on a x for emotional support is only allowing you to be HALF EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE, to your new partner and that is not fair.  For example, for the past month I been seeing this guy, his x calls all night and all day, NON STOP. Every time we are together, he is sure to bring her up and often it is the same story. We talk about many things but SHE always has to be apart of our dates in conversation or through him checking his phone and making comments about her text message. This is a 50 year old man carrying on this way.  I asked him once, would he like his daughter to date a man that keeps her in the shadow of his x? and he said, “no, no way” and so I said, “why are you doing it to me?” Now I know some people may accuse me of being insecurity, but please no that I’m not. Because we both came out of relationship, one in which I was married and got separated and still clearly show I’m over my husband (it was my decision to separate), also I’m a very attractive women, in which me and the new guy can’t go out anywhere, without guys trying to still me off of him. I also have my own car and house, everything he has and even got it going on more than the x and behave better with him than her. It is a matter of respect that I have problem with his x always some how having her presence on our dates. Now I finally spoke to him and he finally confessed that it is going to take some time and that he is falling in love with me and if I can wait for him to get over her. he also admitted to using me in a way to get over her, which pissed me off. After this confession of his, I have decide to pull away from him and really be no real part of his life anymore, even though I grew feelings for him, and fell in love with him. So why did I decide to get away from him? Because his constant emotional rollercoaster and discussion about his x is BAD for my self esteem and does allow us to grow without her present. I love myself to much to walk in another womans shadow and if a man loves you, why would he expect you to accept that anyway. Another thing, the guy i was seeing up until today, even kept talkign to her on the phone about them being apart, while I’m sitting at the table and on a date with him. This happened several times. But when I asked him to speak to me in a store, I always like to shop in where she works, he refuse to. He said he wanted to act like he didn’t know me, since she was there cause he doesn’t want confusion. Notice, her presence is allowed to be aknowledged by him, while on our dates but my presence is not allowed to while she happens to be in the same place somewhere.  Any girl that put up with a guy rambling on all the time about his x, is already setting the relationship for her to be ON HIS TERMS AND the one compromising. He will not take you seriously in the future if you accept that. It is also emotional abuse for a guy to keep doing that, cause it attacks your self esteem and security in the relationship.   Also it is emotional abuse because they are the “stronger gender’ so they think they can and do not need to worry about any confrontation  with the woman, in which they can’t gain control over.  If a woman did that, the man would say something not so nice to her about ranting on about her x, but if a man ranting on about his x, the woman would choose her words wisely before approaching him about not liking it and he would feel he is intitled to gaslight her or say “I don’t want to argue, you are insecure.” which is just a way to convince her that she is taking things the wrong way, when he is disrespecting her. He is basically telling her, “I will say what i want in the relationship and about any x, when ever I want, and how much I want, and I don’t care how you feel about it.” Now ladies do you want to be with a guy like that?  I don’t, that is why I hit the road once I see it is a pattern. Within 3 weeks I know whether he is holding on to his x. Also a man should of told you he wasn’t over his x and still in touch with her alot, before he even considered moving things to being serious in the relationship or sleeping with you. So he wasn’t completely honest either.  think about it.

  14. 74

    I do believe that you have to be able to talk with your current partner about your experiences, be it people or otherwise, to learn about each other. That includes exes.
    What is NOT acceptable, is that person using you as a therapist for unresolved issues. I experienced that with a man I foolishly got involved with that was ending things with his ex. He told me that it was over but of course there is so much to sort through after 20 years with somebody, and looking back I realize I was literally his door mat. For a while I tried to listen to him but I did eventually feel brought down by his whole situation and felt like he just was not over her.
    Confirmation came for me when he brought her up right after we had sex. Talking about those things with your current partner only work for the good when you actually have closure and resolve on your past.

  15. 75

    I would just like to know how old this post is…I don’t see where, but I would still like to add my two cents worth anyways. Probably not that anyone cares, lol but here it goes…I kind of want to disagree  this guys advice. We all have a past yes we do…but really…is it necessary to bring it up ALL the time when you have heard stories like a million times. It’s one thing to be open and to have a moment and another to drag it on for months and months…do I really have to pretend to stay interested that long? lol. I don’t gab about my ex’s 24/7 I feel it’s disrespectful….I have a husband who will sit and talk about them a lot…( I pretend to care btw ) lol because I really don’t want to hurt his feelings I’ve heard too many of the stories of how many he’s had…which ones…and how many of them are my “friends”…blah blah…oh and some he talks pure crap…but is friends with them the next day…I really don’t get it to be honest. I let him Gab though…because that’s all he does. lol. Like more than me (a woman) haha. Im half way picking by the way…and half way serious. His is not really an (emotional gab btw) But it does annoy me and it’s hard to say anything to our men cause they do get defensively mad…so I leave it alone…but it does bother me…because I really don’t care lol. Not in the sense that I don’t care about him, I love him to death but that doesn’t mean I have to care about hearing about all the women he slept with. I mean we have been married now going on 3 years. You kind of just go a long with it and get use to it after awhile…I have learned that most guys do it…I wouldn’t leave a man for doing it though…I just some times find it disrespectful…while at the same time trying to respect his past…its really difficult for me. There’s no happy medium here.  So I most the time sacrifice my own feelings for his because I’ll love him forever and ever and he knows that.

  16. 76

    I am educated by all of this and now…I am heartbroken. This thread has snapped me out of what could have been a colossal waste of some precious YEARS of my life.  My man for the past year is, clearly, still deeply attached to his past in an unhealthy way.

    I have been falling in love with a man who was married for (brace yourself) 25 years.  He has been divorced for (again, brace yourself) TEN years.  He still uses the dreaded “we” to talk about things.  “We” have a flood out here every spring, “we” made that garden for the kids, “we” have hiked that trail already (god if that doesn’t say it all)…

    He still lives in the house he built with & for her.  I’ve been sleeping in “her” bedroom.  Regardless, I am a confident woman, pretty for sure, wicked-smart & independent.  And get this: he & I are so lovable and happy, we have great sex, laughter & we talk of the future.  We’re like teenagers and marvel at the bliss to have “saved” each other’s lives just by the powerful chemistry we have for each other & how similar we are.  It’s fun and deep and warm and true.

    BUT.  He talks about her too much.  He uses “we” (I’m not his “we”. Ugh, deflated).  His attachment to his past & how frequently he talks about it is A CANCER to this love.  Boys, men, see this as a formal announcement: SHUT IT DOWN. SPEAK NOT OF “HER” or “WE”.  Do you want LOVE again? Or do you want to be a miserable Woody Allen type, jacking off to a memory?  If you are suddenly inspired to barf-up a lovely memory from your past relationship?  Just DON’T. It’s like holding back a fart in bed.  Do it to maintain the respect for your partner & sexuality of the moment.

    This is gonna hurt. But I’m don’t have time to “work through” someone’s shit.  I want fun and sex and love and laughter. I’m moving on to a greener pasture where I can be part of a man’s “we” stories.

  17. 77

    I went through a similar issue, at least early on in my relationship.  However, after listening for a while, I figured out that while he cared about her, he really wouldn’t want to get back together with her because they had fundamentally different goals and approaches for relationships.  For instance, she’s the big spender, he’s more frugal.  She thought the man should provide everything financially while the wife stays home.  The list goes on and on.  So now, I’ve really gotten over it!  I’m not saying either she or my boyfriend are more “right” or “wrong”.  But it’s clear to me that no matter what, their relationship goals were just too far apart for them to work.

    Well, to answer Evan’s question about what your guy thinks about his ex, you obviously first have to hear what he has to say about his ex.  So I wouldn’t quash that kind of talk too quickly, but first observe, and figure out why he’s doing it.  Those discussions can actually be very helpful in assessing your own compatibility with him.  Hearing my boyfriend’s stories about his ex taught me a lot about him I otherwise wouldn’t have learned.

    On the other hand, if your boyfriend talks about his ex because he’s still pining away for her, that is also valuable information to have, so that you can make a more informed decision about whether to stay or leave!  If that is the case, I’d rather have a guy show me that upfront, so I know what I’m really dealing with and that I should walk away.  Painful as that might be, I’d prefer that to a guy silently and secretly pining away for his ex, while I live under a false sense of security with the wrong guy who doesn’t want me as much as I want him. I’ll always take the painful truth over the pretty lie.

  18. 78

    There are many issues of men talking about their ex’s to a new girlfriend or wife.

    When it happens early in the relationship to discover what each has been through, it gives all of us insight as to what is and is not tolerated.  It also gives the new interest some time to try and explain what what happened in the relationship to help the other get through the issue.

    When it happens over and over and over…there is a big problem going on.

    To begin with, it brings that other person(s) into the current relationship.  There is not just two people in that relationship, there are 3, 4, 5, etc.

    It also becomes a drag on the new relationship, as the receiving end of the relationship has to hear over and over about this ex, that ex…

    Personally I think that person is not a very mature individual and maybe should not be in a relationship until they become more mature and learn to get over past relationships and not hold on to them for an eternity.  They keep their current relationship stuck in the ex mode thus not allowing it to go forward.


  19. 79

    I would let him go. If he is not over her then he cannot move forward with you and mentally meet your needs. If he was not ready for you, then he should have done the selfless act of not bringing you into “their world”. There is a difference between sharing your past stories (maybe even for therapeutic reasons) and being hung up. Know the difference sweetheart. Be with someone who’s mind is on you.

  20. 80
    Joe Keller

    If you really care about your current partner, limit your references (to your ex) in front of them. They might feel like you are comparing them to your ex. Theres nothing wrong w telling yr partner what you learned from a past relat. but what gives a current relat. value is what it means to the two people involved in it in the NOW. Making constant references to an ex does mean the person hasnt gotten over it. This suggests therapy w someone other than the current partner is needed. They arent there to hear excessive whinging. Let go of your failures, embrace that which works. Some sharing of the pain is acceptable but once yr in a new stable relat. I suggest dropping the topic.

  21. 81

    I think there’s a point of no return when you start feeling like you are a part of a love triangle. I think ex talk is fine to a certain extent. Talking about an ex “all the time” means to me that you aren’t over it. Happening to me right now. Whenever I think I’m not going to hear about her, he brings it up. I thought we were going to have a nice time together a couple nights ago but I had to hear about his ex for two hours. For god’s sake. She’s not truly in the past. Now if it was a once in a while conversation talking about past experiences, no problem. But I don’t sit here and cry about my exes. I also had a boyfriend in the past that talked about “Julia,” for an entire year! I can’t think about him without thinking about “Julia.” He even showed me a picture…why? This other woman who broke his heart? Ok…leave me out of it! He kept pictures and letters from exes and I didnt have a problem with it. But “Julia…” Barf! I guess my values are that if it’s over you don’t need counselling from your current partner. Your current partner shouldn’t have to think about your ex as a part of you. But stories and insights, a run in with the ex, even if they’re friends! But talking about them endlessly becomes like Pavlov’s dogs. Every time I think about that ex I think “Julia,” and it’s happening to me now.

  22. 82
    CALISHA Johnson

    I don’t agree with that at all. I think when people do this  they are still, upset, hurt, mad, angry, in love or whatever you want to call it. A person speaks about whatever is on their mind and apparently the ex when’s the spot.  I personally did not want to hear my man talk about his ex unless it related to their children. No one wants to be with an angry person.  Most women/men talk about their exes as if your some therapist or something. Completely ignoring the fact that you have a new person,a different person in your life. It’s insulting. Also it distracts a couple from really learning one another because one is stuck in the past. Save the past for the interview that two people should have before dating seriously and having sex. Find out your likes and dislikes at that moment. That was the mistake I made amongst several.

  23. 83
    Magdalena A

    My boyfriend talks about his ex quite often. He’s even brought her up right after sex, remembering what her body was like. Lately he has been bringing her up during fights. He said I wasn’t a tenth of the woman that she was. It seems that he does this to spite me because I’ve made it clear that I don’t like it. When I asked about her he said it was between them, none of my business, and that he still loved her. Later he said that he didn’t mean it and he was just upset. He didn’t seem upset when he said it though. My boyfriend has not had contact with his ex in 12 years. I’m only his second relationship. He has said that your first love is hardest to forget, but it makes me feel like our relationship isn’t as important. I can’t relate because I hardly even remember my first long term boyfriend. He was only with his ex for 6 months and I don’t think he’s over it.

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