My Live-In Boyfriend Doesn’t Contribute Equally To Our Joint Expenses, And I’m Starting To Resent Him

My Live-In Boyfriend Doesn’t Contribute Equally To Our Joint Expenses

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We’ve decided to rent a place together. We have been living together for 4 months. He rented a room in a house previously and I rented a small house with my two children. Now we are renting a small house together. With his child support, truck payment, etc…. it leaves him only $600 to contribute to the household. That leaves me to contribute the rest, which is about $3000. That is just rent, food, utilities. I work two jobs and he works one. He says he wants to help but is unable. He is trying to find some extra jobs, on the side, but not very hard. He doesn’t cook or clean either. He is the nicest, most wonderful man I know. He treats me nice, he never expects anything from me. I am starting to resent him though. I don’t know if I am right or wrong to feel resentful. Even if he made more money he says he won’t pay half because, in all fairness, I get child support and he shouldn’t have to pay half. He says he will pay a third. I can’t help feeling he is treating me like a roommate and not his woman. If he is a real man shouldn’t he want to work together to build a life? He tells me everyday how much he loves me, he brings me flowers when he can. He never yells at me or criticizes me. Should I just keep paying and just let him pay what he can? He never goes out or spends foolishly on himself. He really doesn’t have enough.

Money is a big topic on this blog.

We’ve talked about how some women take advantage of good-hearted low-earning boyfriends.

We’ve talked about how some women expect men to make more money, even if they make a good living independently.

We’ve talked about how some women refuse to even reach for a check.

These are all arguments I’ve made for equality. In this day and age, with women earning more college degrees and masters degrees, it’s anachronistic to expect men to ALWAYS pay and ALWAYS earn more.

But Lisa’s question really cuts to the heart of women’s issues around money. What happens if you’re dating a man without skills, without ambition, and without the desire to be a better provider?

This is not about who earns more. This is about two things: what’s fair and what you’re comfortable with.

This is my client’s worst nightmare – even though I can’t see any of my clients dating a man with a truck payment and $600 to spare each month. So let me begin, Lisa, by expressing my admiration and sympathy to you. You fell in love with a man based on what’s in his heart and not in his wallet, and that says a lot about your character.

The question is whether it’s enough.

My answer to you will be a gender-blind one, because that’s the way we need to begin to look at financial issues. This is not about who earns more. This is about two things: what’s fair and what you’re comfortable with.

Objectively, this arrangement isn’t fair. But then, in a gender-blind society, who said things had to be fair? I made about four times what my wife made when we met. Would it have been fair for me to ask her to split our rent in half? No, it would not. We split it based on our means to pay. I could have resented the fact that I made four times more than her, but I chose not to. I wasn’t with her for her money or ability to split costs. I was with her because of how I felt in her presence.

These days, my wife doesn’t work at all. She stays at home with the kids, goes to Mommy and Me classes, swimming classes, MyGym and Disneyland, all of which I pay for. Do I resent her? Not one bit. This is what she wants to do, and I’m fortunate to have the means to allow her to do it. This is the bargain we struck as a couple. This is the bargain any woman can strike with a man, as long as she doesn’t resent him for earning less or being a stay at home dad.

I’m guessing every reader here had the same initial reaction to your email, “Lisa, you poor girl! Dump him!” I can see where that impulse comes from, but I don’t think it’s acknowledging your deep feelings for your boyfriend. You’ve spent two years with him. You say that he’s the “nicest, most wonderful man” you know.

In order to salvage this relationship, a few things have to happen.

First, you need to have an authentic conversation with him. You need to start by acknowledging how much you love and appreciate him. Then you need to acknowledge that you’ve been feeling a little bit of resentment. You’re not proud of it, but you’re owning it.

Next, you can break it down for him. You contribute five times more to the household than he does, even though you only make X dollars more. Even though you appreciate his pre-existing payments, that’s imbalanced and is a serious burden for you to carry alone. Get his acknowledgement of this fact.

What you’d like to do is sit down and do a budget of how much each of you makes and would like to pay the rent and bills proportionately, whatever that means. This would include how much money you make from child support and would exclude how much he pays in child support. We’re talking about take home pay only.

There’s nothing wrong with marrying a poor guy if you have the means to support him. There IS something wrong with marrying a poor guy who doesn’t have a sense of fairness and appreciation for your efforts.

If it still comes out to $600 for him and $3000 for you, you can suggest a work around. He can sell his truck and buy something cheaper, if that’s possible. You can go to Mint.com and look at how to better balance your budget. But the one thing that is going to have to change is how much he contributes to the household in non-monetary ways. He’s gotta do 50% of the cooking and 50% of the cleaning at a bare minimum to ease your burden as the primary breadwinner.

Make it clear that you don’t resent him because he makes less than you. Not everyone can have a high paying job. The reason this feeling is building up inside is that you feel taken for granted. And if the roles were reversed and he was paying $3000/month AND doing all the cooking and cleaning, he’d probably feel resentful, too, no?

His reaction to this conversation will tell you whether you have a relationship worth preserving. There’s nothing wrong with marrying a poor guy if you have the means to support him. There IS something wrong with marrying a poor guy who doesn’t have a sense of fairness and appreciation for your efforts.

Please come back and let us know how that conversation goes.

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Comments:

  1. 151
    Laurie

    Evan,

    I love your advice usually. But I was surprised to read that you make 4x what your wife makes, and now she doesn’t work at all? Excuse me? She stays home with the kids. That’s work. You should calculate how much it would cost you to put two kids into daycare five days a week. Her time spent with the children is priceless. Your comment demeaned her position, making it sound like she’s a dependent as well. Someone has to watch the children, and it’s hard work. You need to rephrase what you wrote… it’s very revealing about how you consider the role of a stay-home mom.

    This does not sound  like your normal self! Usually you are better than that!

    1. 151.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I’m pretty tired of the thought policing around here. You have no idea what I think and are willfully reading negative things into a simple statement.

      A job is universally considered what we do for money. Going to “work” is what we do when we go to an office and work for money.
      My wife does not have a job. She doesn’t work for money.

      Nowhere did I say that I don’t value my wife’s massive contributions to my life or my kids’ life. I have never remotely minimized it. This is only YOU grabbing a word “work” and assuming a whole bunch of bullshit things about me. So just stop. You’re wrong.

  2. 152
    Natalie

    Red flag….run!  Are these two considering marriage?  If so, this is not a suitable relationship for LW and she needs to find a man that will contribute more to the household and her needs.  It sound like LW is settling and not considering all of her needs as a woman.  After I divored my ex I too found a man that was loving and very nice but did not have a job and struggled to get on his feet.  I had a child from a previous relationship, received child support, and made $7000 month not including child support.  After 7 months of dating we found out we were pregnant.  I paid the bills while he went to school and worked 2 jobs although he complained and later was fired from one.  Then after our son was born he tried to move in his mom into our home.  I have never asked him to financially provide for my daughter who is not his child but in some ways I find that is wrong.  If you are going to have a committed relationship to a man or woman that has children they all come as a packaged deal regardless of whether they receive child support or not.  If a man will not accept the financial responsibility of a child that is not his but says he love you your child is an extension of you… he can accept the responsibility of you but not your children and helping around the house???  Sounds like you are a rebound relationship and need to run,  he is extremely selfish and needs to change, or he is a freeloader.   I would also question why he would get in a relationship with a woman that had 2 kids if he had no way to support them?  Yes, we cant help who we fall.in.love with but we also cannot expect for others to clean up our messes.

  3. 153
    cashito

    It seems we are not been honest here. No that the guy is lazy or something, except he is not making much as the lady. Every relationship has gotten it own flaws. Turn the table around and see if your husband would have complained, if he was contributing more money than you. Be yourself, love him as much as you can. Besides cooking and raising the kids, can you tell me there is no other chores in the family. For exactly how much they spend within a month is not necessary, but as to they are able to afford. We all got our different financial lifestyles. I will advise you try to encourage him to work on his professional career now that you can support more,  so he too can have a lot to offer. If you kniw he really loves you, don’t listen to internet and book advices because that will really screw your marriage. Gender equality is good but it brings about in-balances in relationships. Play your role and encourage him as a lovely wife.

  4. 154
    'Ria

    You grow up and face the realities of the issue:
    Which are basically two things:
    #1 A Man will never, ever pay for anything for a child whom he’s not the biological father of. 400 Million years of evolution have ensured that.. if you force the issue too hard her’ll leave you.
    #2 More seriously and practically you have higher earning power than he does. The earning power balance between men and women is actually reversed..
    #3. You have asymmetric earning power and most likely never actually discussed  how expenses would be allocated before you moved in.
    #4. Reseenting him won’t magically increase his earning power or solve the problem.. it will just make you both unhappy.

    Have a listen to this podcast: PW 437: Talking about money to learn how to do it properly.
    Pay no attention to it being a poly community resource.. if you can’t get it right in one relationship, then you can’t get it right in three or four at once in the same house… So the people speaking in this episode quite likely have their shit together.
    Just skip straight to 9 minutes in to get to the actual topic… the show has a standard format and the rest of the segments won’t be relevant to you.

    1. 154.1
      JustAnOlderMan

      LOL

      Sorry but I brought many things for my GF kids many times and I never ever complain about it. I was proud of those kids and whatever they wanted I got them if I could.

  5. 155
    AJ

    Love this advice. I’m in a somewhat similar situation to Lisa, not as many factors, but similar and I’ve been wondering how to approach the situation with my boyfriend because I AM feeling the resentment starting to rise, and I don’t want that. Mentions of ‘how things are’ seem go unnoticed, so I knew it was time to sit down and have a heart to heart. I’ll be using the advice here.

    Our situation is that he was living with a relative about 60 miles from me, and would come on the weekends to my house due to my job and animal responsibilities. I didn’t mind feeding him, doing most of the cooking, and letting him spend the weekends since he was spending the gas and mileage to get to my house.

    Now, however, he’s taken a job in the area and although most of his stuff is still at his old place, he is physically in the area 6 days a week. He’s still had an attitude of me buying all the food, paying all the utilities, paying all the rent, splitting meals out, etc. I’ve been putting my foot down, but it’s turning into CONSTANTLY putting my foot down and I’m getting pissed!

    He does earn less than me….but after rent, our take home is almost exactly the same. Meanwhile, I’m working 3 jobs, at work for 8+ hours a day 7 days a week for a little extra spending money, and he still has his weekends off, goes off to have fun with friends and is not seeking any other part time work, yet still acts like I’m this bottomless pit of money that can feed him all week because he’s “broke” even though he just went off playing all weekend….

    Anyways, otherwise, we get along great and we’ve had a good relationship. He accepts me for myself, and I really appreciate that. We’re going to have to sit down and have this talk though, and I think the advice here is exactly what I was looking for. I didn’t want to come across as accusatory, and I wasn’t sure how to deal with the disparity in income – this is helpful advice!

     

    1. 155.1
      Lucy

      Leave him he sounds like his a baby  if he really loves you he would take care of you even if he makes less money

  6. 156
    Tom

    im a 50 year old male I lived with a 45 yr old woman in my new home while she placed hers for rent..she never contributed to household bills save for $150 week and food once a fortnight when her 2 teens would stay the week…the food she bought was mostly junk stuff for the kids and if I ate something I wasn’t supposed to id get told it’s the kids food..I did all the housework with rare instances where she would quickly clean the wet areas and toilets..I even had to clean after her kids esp the girl who had a nasty habit of not wearing sanitary pads so she would bleed thru her clothing and instead of putting them in the laundry basket we provided in her bedroom she put them back into her draws by the end of the week the kids draws were full with soiled underwear..mum knew and did try to correct the problem without cleaning the draws herself however she gave up quickly when kids were unresponsive to change..of course after a few years resentment built up on all sides and as a result she began cheating in preparation to secure a new partner prior to breaking up..within a few weeks of our break she entered into a new relationship with a 56 yr old wealthy obese man who is much like her in that he doesn’t do housework..ironically I was abused and insulted for many things but the one that hits home was her insulting me about my slight weight increase which was no where near obese like her new man..her final words were ” your not worth the financial convienienc and I can’t believe I had to pay you rent ”  incidentally It was her idea to call her small contribution rent…

    i just wanted equality has we both earned similar wage and she was accumulating rental income as well which she invested for herself and kids and we both had free time to do household chores..

    im left feeling  had I just let her have a free ride and not complain bout household chores or the uncleanliness of her kids that we would not have begun to resent eachother nor would she have cheated.. @50 I’m devastated as this is my second time in a row being cheated on and my first wife was of the same character..beginning to wonder if all women are alike though I know that’s not the case.

  7. 157
    ShivaD

    Tom – I am baffled how you put up with that. After treating you like a doormat she left you? I think you need some self-esteem boosting or therapy as no one should allow themselves to be used like that. Def read this nlog more – even though its geared towards women everyone can learn from it. I really feel for you and truly hope you take that experience and learn from it without becoming bitter. This letter and thread make me want to add kids as a dealbreaker. I’m just not sure if I want to have a mate who has child obligations, particularly when I don’t have kids. It would really depend on the circumstances surrounding the kid (i.e, was the baby a product of casual screwing? How many kids vs # of mothers?), the age of the child, and dynamic with the mother. O
    ne thing that was a major red flag for me was that he CHOSE to pay $1600.00 a month and not be in his kids life and clearly has no interest in being involved with her kids. If she loves him thats her business I just seriously hope she doesn’t have a kid with this guy. Thats like the 3rd and 4th babymommas who always act surprised when he doesn’t stick around – did you not learn from the 1st two?

  8. 158
    sss

    Thats bullshit. Shes already getting money from the previous father. And she wants money from this boyfriend as well? So shes gonna get money from two guys instead of one?

  9. 159
    Simon

    The big red flag for me and its hardly been mentioned is this guy has moved away from his 3 kids and no longer sees them. That is not the actions of a wonderful man. No man would willfully move away from his kids and even if there are extenuating circumstances there is never ever a reason to give up on seeing your kids. This man is certainly not wonderful and I suspect deep down Lisa knows this but the relationship is great because it’s still early days but the chickens will come home to roost eventually. No man who gives up on his kids is a wonderful man and Lisa should have ran a mile when she found out.

  10. 160
    fff

    im sure if the guy was the one complaining, so many of you would be saying “thats the way it is”…but it seems women want equal rights, well, think of you payin $3k a month & him $600 a month justified

  11. 161
    Lucy

    Well I think his not a real man a real man takes care of his girl even if their not his kids what the hell  he needs to except the whole package !!! And even if u get child support that money is for the kids and he doesn’t need to worry about that money at all grrrrr this dude is not a man he sounds like a kid a teenage kids you gotta take care off I would kick him the hell out because sounds to me his using you….

  12. 162
    Rob

    wow this has me all heated up. If you are in a relationship and decide to get a place together, speak about living arrangements and expenses upfront. This will help avoid disappointments. #2 nobody is trying to get rich off the $600 you have left over. When his stupid ass figures the mortgage light electric cable and all the other bills he should either man up and get another job or b leave. You are making him to comfortable by the sweat of your brow and you will resent him. But be direct and up front about it because finances can be a major source of stress in a relationship. If he doesn’t want to pay his part cut off on the entertainment a while if you can. Cancel cable, wifi and all the extras and if he’s a little boy who likes his toys he will definitely pay for those. These men child piss me off. Stop being a victim of child support and tell your ex NO.

  13. 163
    Alexis

    Been there. Worse feeling ever. Too many guys are looking for a hand up. Yes you are being taken advantage of. Really what does he provide you? Not enough. Single is way better. Wait til you find a partner who would never expect you to carry him and can carry his own weight without needing you. So sorry. I feel your pain.

  14. 164
    JustAnOlderMan

    I am on disablity I receive about 850.00 a month yet I pay 500.00 to her. I cook most of the time and do most of the housework. She work 8-10 hours a day. When she get home there is Hot Dinner for her on the table a hot bubble bath for her which is just right when she is done eating. While she sit in the tube I massage her feet. Later she get a full massage which usallay last 2 hours for her. We’re both were happy until she had to move to England for the company. I found another place to rent a room for 5o0.00. If I were her just kick the fool out. seem to be ungraceful about things…OH yes she had 2 kids I took care of as well..

  15. 165
    Jess

    I knew a man wrote this lol

  16. 166
    420

    Love stinks

    1. 166.1
      420

      we are mostly here because we googled a broke man, so it seems to be a trend. I’m tired of his bs, same time I don’t want an std, his package is decent, and I get decent not great oral. So I’m hanging 4 now.

  17. 167
    Jerrin

    Omg if he is really the great guy u say he is then yes you should bite the bullet. i am married to a man who pays absolutley nothing. i pay the rent, the bills, the groceries, EVERYTHING along with putting up with him screaming at me daily and calling me names because a large portion of my money comes from survivor benefits from my ex husband. he says since i dont work for that money its not technically mine and it should be used to support him also. if he was maybe just a little bit nice to me and didnt yell or picked me a flower once in a while, id be a happy camper. long story short, if u have a good guy who loves u and shows u that he loves u, dont let finances come between u. cherish what u have, theres women like myself who would love to find a man like yours.

  18. 168
    Michael Wilson

    if you dont like the arrangement ask him to move out simple then you would not even get $600 extra in your pocket you would get nothing, then see how well you get along, the thing is this the mistakes people make in realtionships is basing a relationship on money and bills, really, first let me give you all some extra insight into what a lot of you need to soul search about, money is not real and if money is causing you resentment in life you wont go forward you will go backwards, because its only a matter of time before the arguments start with money, sounds to me its all greed when is it that the cost of living each week comes to $3,600 really??? most politicians earn that much a week,

    this whole story is absurd and sounds like a winge,

    I REPEAT STOP FOCUSING YOUR LIVES AROUND MONEY DO THINGS THAT YOU WANT TO DO STOP WORKING FOR MONEY START WORKING ON THINGS IN LIFE BECAUSE YOU ARE HAPPY TO DO THEM

     

  19. 169
    Reebirt

    Child support should be off the table. It’s not for boyfriend to count. It’s for the kids. That is what wrong. If mom puts some towards household expenses, that’s her business. The fact that boyfriend is nicle and diming her income is a clear sign that he is a free loader playing off her emotions. Child support is for the kids – mitts off! Maybe the children can join sports, or go to movies, or go on vacation or go towards education – NOT FOR FREE LOADING BF TO DEDUCT. This is just another example of abuse. He can’t afford the lifestyle he is trying to Weezer into.

  20. 170
    larry henry

    I’m in a situation where we made an agreement that she was going to contribute $300 per month and I would take care of the rest it’s a year later and nothing she’s even moved her sister in who contributes nothing. So I’m basically taking care of my girlfriend her daughter and her sister. My girlfriend had 2 jobs and still expects me to give her money for gas and to pay her phone bill. Very frustrated

  21. 171
    Chris

    It will never work, me and my girlfriend have been together for 2 years next month. It began with her helping with as much as she possibly could to the gradual less…less…less, Until finally she has no job at all and hasnt for the past 6 months. We have a 5 year old daughter and a 11 month old daughter. I work an easy 60-70 hours per week every week and I have to, if I want to maintain the life I have and my daughters have I have no choice. Of course I could turn off the cable, of course I could turn off the internet try to use a little water and electric as possible but I dont have the heart to explain to my daughters why they cant watch their cartoons or why Im being strict on the lights. I work and I make it but with all of the bills and my Child Support its not an easy task. She sees me tired, working all of the time, coming home and cant even make it to the bed Im out on the couch. Still, she does nothing to help. I will honestly tell you I was madly in love with her when we first met, with her not helping me, it has made me to the point that I cant stand to be around her. I cant stand to even carry a conversation with her. I dont want to hear her excuses or what she feels are problems. If your with someone there suppose to be a partner not someone that sucks the life out of you. I cant stand this woman and Im getting to the point to where I dont want to come home after work but I do for my girls. I hope this doesnt happen to you but please find a solution before its to late.

  22. 172
    Erin

    Hi

    When 2 adults live together, wether it be 2 mates or a couple the rent is usually shared 50/50. Doesn’t matter if there are children living in the home… they are not rent payers.

    Yet the utility’s could be split 4 ways as there are 4 consumers in the house.

    As far as housework, everyone needs to contribute.

    All the best in sorting this out:)

    1. 172.1
      Carla Wong

      I could agree with that too. I am still thinking she needs to pay her children’s stuffs not her boyfriend.

  23. 173
    DeeGee

    Inequality in contribution was a large part of what ended my marriage.
    This was back in ’87 through ’95.
    She worked full-time while we dated, but then quit her job after we got married (against my wishes).
    During dating she acted like the perfect girlfriend.  After marriage she changed dramatically, she refused to do almost anything around the house.
    I worked a full-time job and a part-time job.  I cooked two to three of my own meals every day.  I did the dishes and laundry at least half of the time.  I did house cleaning at least half of the time.  I did almost all of the yard work and maintenance.
    I tried getting her to go with me for counseling for the entire duration of the marriage.
    After nine years I just ran out of steam and couldn’t do it any more and filed for divorce.
    Unfortunately I lost more than 50% of everything, of which I owned almost everything before the marriage.
    The bad thing is that sometimes there are no red flags, or we just don’t see them, and sometimes you don’t see the problems coming.
    I took it as a learning experience though, and since then have worked to make myself a much better person.
    It is a gamble every time we get into a relationship.

  24. 174
    Fed up

    This has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with sex. Men cannot adequately care for young children. Men and woman parent differently. Women are more empathic, and with children who cannot talk, empathy is the only way they communicate. Women are more verbal. This is how kids learn to talk and regulate emotions. It’s different once the child is over three.

    Funny how the all ten research showing moms and dads parent differently means dads are essential and moms can’t replace dads, but means mothers are disposable and mean nothing.

    I owe my husband sex. But he has no responsibility to help pay my medical bills from pregnancy or delivery. Maternity care is an unnecessary luxury. Single, presumably sexually active, men shouldn’t have to pay for it, and in the event of a divorce a man has no obligation for maternity costs from children born within the marriage.

    Oh, but sex is a right and men have needs. Men feel loved through sex and woman get their needs met in other ways. Because a woman’s feelings, sexuality, and well being are laid abusive excuses for not satisfying men. Men don’t want sex. They want sexual servitude. These days men want to dominate sexually.

    You can’t dominate the willing. I mean obviously you can rape a willing woman if your going to be brutally violent about it, but that leaves lots of physical evidence that’s hard to hide. So a man has to find another way. If I hear one more story about how men hate pity sex  because it’s horrible and rapey I’m going to smash something. Making it horrible and rapey is the entire point. How else can the man be dominant and manly?

    Yeah yeah don’t get too excited it’s not rape. I can still say no.  Then there’s no sex at all. And I have to fend off  bozo following me around calling me a cunt bitch and whore for 45 minutes.

    This marriage crap gets old.

    And then you come on here and pretend not to be a bigot and act like it’s something unusual for a woman to marry a man for his character. I used to think most men didn’t hate women and think they were justified in exploiting and abusing them. I used to think my husband was a freakish out lied.

    Then I find crap like this…<just assume    I’m sneering while I type this> It speaks well of your character that you didn’t marry a man for his money…because all women are gold whores and you’re the rare exception.

    THIS is the attuide you have when you coach women? Well it explains a lot. All men think abuse is justified because all men think women are stupid and evil.

    Oh excuse me, it’s only 99.99%. I’ve only met one man in 35 years who didn’t do this at least to some extent.

    Here’s some advice for your clients.

    1) Do not live with a man no matter what.

    2) Have kids as a single mother by choice and a man can hold you hostage with what matters most.

    3) If you insist on having a sexual relationship try to become a lesbian.

    Otherwise that you end up with some guy who thinks pregnancy doesn’t count for anything. Is “gender neutral” meaning you can pop a pain pill and an antidepressant and be back to work 12 hours a day at 2 weeks postpartum because mothering, breastfeeding and secure attachment aren’t important for babaies and if not, well you better appreciate his generosity cause it’s gender neutral.  Oh, and don’t stain his sheets with your lochia or complain about after pains. It’s not gender neutral. And then he gets to insult you as a woman for being a woman because women are gold diggers who don’t line a man’s characters. Blech. Just skip it and do it on another your own. It’ll end up being your mother or mother-in-law who supports you while you care for the kids, or watches the kids while you work most of the time anyway.

    1. 174.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      TL;DR: You are unhappily married, so all other women should be, too.

      I hope you have the courage to leave your husband and explore what it’s like to be happily married. You deserve it.

    2. 174.2
      Carla Wong

      totally agreed!

  25. 175
    Jeneane Parson

    I am in the same boat and it has been 17 years.  I was in the process of buying my house when I met him.  We dated and when I finally moved in he was here constantly so I said move in and we can share expenses.  He was into that.  All was well for 10 years.  Both of us sharing household expenses and I was nice enough to exclude certain things I felt he should not be responsible for.  Well he was laid off for two years after 13 years of living together.   It was not his fault so I paid the bills but I expected him to pick up with the cleaning and fixing up the house which I had no issue paying for everything except labor.  I found out during this period he is extremely LAZY plus he started to criticize my  spending to fix the house up. I am writing this b/c I just said I am buying a portable dishwasher.  I work full time he works sometimes now and he had the nerve to say where is that going. This is a man who redid countertops and cabinets.  My kitchen is in need of updating and I don’t have the money to hire someone at this time.  The comment about the dishwasher just threw me.  So instead of yelling at him I am typing this.  Thanks for being here so I can vent.  I am in a quandary at this point in my life and just am at my wits end with him.

  26. 176
    Patty Walport

    Just another lorder boyfriend who wants to live free, I’m sick of those types

  27. 177
    Carla Wong

    I actually just dumped my boyfriend who has two kids. We know each other for about a month, we were fucking buddy to begin with later he was gone! he was hanging out with other girls. Three days later we contacted each other and he apologized to me for being stupid.

    He was nice guy and we didn’t have any argument at all. He is so poor and couldn’t afford to buy food for him and his sons and pay rent. I came to his house for sleep over enjoying our evening and I left in the morning and didn’t come back to his place until late at night.

    First time, he invited me to eat in his place so I expected some nice dinner and it was rice and one can of tuna and one can of corn mixed all together. I was shocked! It hurt seeing him and his son eating rice with tomato sauce only or sometimes slices of ham for sandwich with rice.

    However, I still like him and stayed with him because I am not a materialist girl. In stead of cooking at my place and eat by myself, so I cooked in his place so with the food that I cooked we all eat together.

    A week ago last Monday he gave me the key to his house so I won’t wait him in the cold. Last Monday he shopped food for his sons. Last Tuesday, I bought pizza because I was craving. I baked the pizza, his eldest son cut the pizza in half and brought it to his room without asking permission! I ended up eat not even close to one fourth!! I was so upset!!

    Last Saturday, we didn’t have any food left for eat, so I said let’s go to supermarket. I only wanted to buy vegetable not spending my money for his sons. He not even asked me if it is okay to grab stuffs for his sons! he just grabbed all including pack of razon! it cost close to 8Euro. If I have money to spend I really don’t mind, but the fact I don’t have job and he knew! due to my student visa. At the end of cashier register he pretended like an idiot and ignored the cashier register when she constantly said how much we need to pay for all stuff. I couldn’t stand seeing this so I used my credit card thinking that I can pay for next month. But I was pissed!

    I asked him nicely, why I ended up paying for all stuffs and came to surprise he said “do you expect me to pay those?” I was like ..  speechless. I told him that I couldn’t pay those food in which those are for his son and also pack of razon for his son, 16 years old, he was so mad at me! saying that “Hey, they are my children! so don’t bring that up with me!”

    I told him his sons is his responsibility not mine! he said “I can’t believe you saying that! I gave you my key to my house and now you tell me that my sons aren’t your responsibility!” “So what are we?” “So you want to separate bills of my sons and ours?” “Is that what you want?”

    He asked me to pay his rent and I asked him why me the one who have to pay his rent while I also need to pay my own rent. He said that I have been coming to his house every night and have the key to the house so I am responsible immediately. I was shocked!

    He told me everything should be divided into half such as rent, utilities, wifi, gas, and I am responsible to put food on the table for them! He said the rent is 475 Euro/month while I saw the lease agreement is 380Euro/month. He said that he doesn’t need someone to cook for him nor his sons, they can eat tuna out of can and no need to use the stove and water. He said he didn’t switch the light on in the evening, didn’t use heater, nor didn’t shower with hot water so basically all electric in the house was on because of me. He asked to pay half for every shit around the house. He told me he hasn’t pay rent and he needs to pay it otherwise they will get eviction, but why I am responsible to pay him just because I was mostly in his house every night ….

    I asked him nicely what about your children then?! why do I pay half in everything while your sons also eat! using internet, using heater in his room, using gas for hot water, using light in his room so why I have to pay in half!

    I dumped him immediately! end story … I live in my place paying my own place having my privacy eat what ever I like why in the earth I have to feed three mouths and they are not even mine. Beside, I barely know this guy at all .. just because he gave me the key .. doesn’t mean I am responsible for what he didn’t have in his life.

    In this case, I would say I am seeing what he’s side … but I am not sure why did he need to find another job so he could or she could get more money? here the thing …. if they are not ready financially why she wants to have more children. Having one life is quite difficult already! now having two children … why?

    So I assumed maybe one day she wants to have another child with him as well .. I could be wrong … anyway this is not my problem, but she needs to understand that she has no right to put pressure him beside he is not his husband yet. If the guy wants to marry her than he should share half with her. That just my opinion based on my experiences as well.

  28. 178
    Tierra

    My suggestion is that you both go back to separate living arrangements. Things are just going to continue to decline. If you want to salvage the relationship, just let him know this living arrangement is not working out.

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