Why Doesn’t My Boyfriend Tell Me That He Loves Me?

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I have been dating a guy for over eight months now. At the start he told me he was looking for a long term relationship.   He has yet to tell me he loves me. For his birthday last month, I signed the card “love”. He gave me a thank you card after and signed the card “love”. He does talk about me being in his life in the future. So why hasn’t he told me that he loves me? I thought it was the man who was supposed to tell the woman first.

Sabella

Dear Sabella,

This reminds me of my list of 10 Secrets About Men:

Saying “I love you” is a major step in a man’s life. That’s why we wait for you to take that step first.

Yes, it’s a joke, but like most jokes, it’s wrapped in a great deal of truth. So why would a guy not say that he loves you?

Let me count the ways:

1) He’s not expressive. Men aren’t taught to share their feelings, blahblahblah. Do you buy this for even a second? I don’t. Everybody knows that women want to hear “I love you.” So what the hell is they guy waiting for? Armageddon?

2) The Chump Problem, My Why You’re Still Single co-author, Linda Holmes, nailed this one in our 2006 book. Essentially, by saying “I love you” first, you’re risking that your partner will not reciprocate, thus making you feel like somewhat of a chump. You, Sabella, took the risk, and here you are asking this question. He, on the other hand, already KNOWS you love him, which is why he’s not risking anything by reciprocating. This leads us to the unfortunate conclusion that:

3) He doesn’t love you. Or perhaps he’s not sure if he loves you. Either way, at this point, your feelings are stronger than his. This has to sting a little bit, but that’s the risk you take when you declare your love first.

Then again, that’s the risk anyone takes when taking any bold action. A guy can go to a bar and gawk at cute girls, but until he risks being rejected and feeling foolish, nothing’s gonna happen. High risk, high reward. That’s the stakes of the love game.

So what does this mean for you? Well, first of all, you learned a valuable lesson: it’s not the man’s job to say, “I love you” first. Especially if he doesn’t mean it. After all, it’s a bit of a dated cliché that a guy says “I love you” in order to get laid. These days we sleep together way before “I love you.” Thus “I love you” instead marks a turning point in the relationship. “Are we serious? Or are we just passing time?” A man who says “I love you,” willingly!, is indicating that he’s serious about a future. …

Ultimately, Sabella, you can’t twist a guy’s arm to say those three magic words, nor do you want to. Better for your boyfriend to make a statement by NOT saying it than to tell you what you want to hear. You don’t need a false sense of security from a guy who’s on the fence. Just know that every month that goes by without a reciprocal “I love you” is another month you’re investing in a very risky stock.

Just know that every month that goes by without a reciprocal “I love you” is another month you’re investing in a very risky stock.

It’s up to you when it’s time to sell.

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Comments:

  1. 41
    Lucy

    I can’t imagine being in a romantic relationship for 3 YEARS with someone you are unsure loves you. Seriously. Why bother?

  2. 42
    waiting

    He has never said he loves anyone before, he believes that if you love someone that you should marry them – and thats the person you are going to be with for life… He does everything else apart from say that…I have given him an a time limit so when thats up will see…

    everyone is different.

  3. 43
    Anamika

    Your Article makes great sense.  Most of the time i come across Guys who say the ‘I love you’ too fast or too soon. And majority of times it is said to get the girl to share the bed.

  4. 44
    Melli

    I’ve been with my guy  for 2 1/2 years and he still doen’t want to tell me he loves me.  He drunkenly said it 1 yr in and then took it back.  He’ll say to me “I show you I love you” and I buy it!!! He hates when I say it to him, tells me I don’t have to say it.  I’m in that relationship that “talks in terms of the future, but doesn’t plan one”.  I think i’m done, I don’t know how much longer I can wait around for someone not to be scared.

  5. 45
    Mee

    be patient maybe your boyfriend is scared of losing what? you guys have. My boyfriend hasnt said it because he says love is forever and he doesnt want to speak to soon. Hes probably not ready, dont pressure him into something he doesnt want to do or isnt ready 4 yet. Wait for him he’ll come around i garantee it. =))

  6. 46
    gj227

    I’m struggling with a lot of the same issues I’ve been reading about here.? My guy is sweet and caring and supportive, he wants to be with me all the time, he makes plans for vacations and dates, he talks about the future like it’s assumed we’ll be together, and I’ve met his family and?his friends…but he doesn’t tell me he loves me, and it’s been almost 8 months.

    I was so upset about it this past weekend, I almost broke up with him, just to be done with the angst and misery.? I have been pretending that everything is fine for quite a while, and finally, these past couple of weeks, I just couldn’t do it anymore.

    Last night, I asked him point blank, “Do you love me?”? I figured the worst thing that could happen is he would say no, and I would at least be able to move on…Actually, the worst thing is being told that?your guy?is ‘falling in love with you,’ but that he doesn’t want to rush into anything,?as if it’s a painfully slow process you have to patiently babysit.? I feel like I’m being instructed to keep going even further with this painful holding pattern, risking my time being wasted and my heart being broken…again.

    I guess I should be happy to receive this partial positive as an answer, but I’m not.? It’s too much like my relationship with my ex, an epic failure that was characterized by the wait and see approach to every question…particularly when it came to love and committment.

    And for those of you who are wondering if I said it to him, yes, I’ve blurted it out a couple of times now, and I’m pretty sure he heard it at least once…so, no, I don’t think he’s waiting to hear it from me.?

    At least I finally spoke up that it’s bothering me.? I could have simply broken up with him rather than risking such a difficult conversation.? Now, the foundation is laid for me to break up with him in a few weeks.? I haven’t set up an ultimatum or anything, but he knows I’m not? happy, and it shouldn’t come as any great surprise if I can’t live?with these terms indefinitely.

  7. 47
    se2010

    I stumbled across this post while googling “why he won’t say I love you”.     I found the comment section even more helpful than the article itself.   Now I don’t feel so alone and crazy for wanting to hear those three words.

    I’ve been dating a man for eight months now.   I adore him.   I couldn’t hold back the words three months in.   He didn’t return the sentiment and I felt crushed.   But I reasoned with myself that three months was actually quite soon and I should give him at least twice as long to fall in love with me.     I wasn’t ready to lose him and figured that IF i really did LOVE him, it shouldn’t be conditional.   So… no ultimatum yet.  

    Now, I’m sitting at the eight month mark and still no words of affection.   He doesn’t even say “You’re beautful”,  “pretty”… or any other such physical compliment.   I’ve heard he likes my feet, my hair and of course my tatas.   But… what about my face?     Am I being unreasonable here?     I even got “You know I “L” you.”   Yes, he used only the letter “L“.   What gives?   He’s not fifteen years old for crying out loud.   This man is in his forties.   Give me a break!
    I’ve started to feel like we’re best friends rather than lovers.   Honestly, I have enough friends.

    I told him that I need to hear it… and maybe a few compliments thrown in for good measure.   He said, “I’m sorry, I’m just cold.   That’s how I am.”   “Well, I just have self respect… that’s how I AM.”   I’m not going to put up with the “cold” bull***t any longer.     Yes, I’m angry!   I’m angry because I’ve just wasted eight months rather than three.   My time is precious.

    I think we all have to decide for ourselves.   Just how long are  we going to wait?   When truly, honestly… deep down we know beyond a shadow of doubt that  IF it were TRUE,  we wouldn’t have to  beg to hear it.   He would be dying to tell me.     Although I’m forty now and time and my looks  are slowly  running out, I know there is someone out there  capable of falling  in love with me.    Someone who doesn’t think his d*** would fall off he says  so.   

    1. 47.1
      chocolategirl

      I love love love your comment! My boyfriend is the same exact way and I am 30 and he is 36.   I cant deal with it anymore, he wont even say I look great on a certain day if I dress up.

  8. 48
    Karl R

    se2010 said: (#47)
    “I even got ‘You know I “L” you.’   Yes, he used only the letter ‘L‘.”
    “I told him that I need to hear it… and maybe a few compliments thrown in for good measure.   He said, ‘I’m sorry, I’m just cold.   That’s how I am.’ ”

    Either one of those statements would make me strongly consider leaving. And I agree that the first one sounds particularly immature.

    se2010 asked: (#47)
    “I’ve heard he likes my feet, my hair and of course my tatas.   But… what about my face?     Am I being unreasonable here?”

    Maybe.

    I don’t know you, so I’ll have to engage in some speculation. I’ve dated a few women who were below average attractiveness. This tends not to be an issue for me, because I’ll focus on specific features of theirs which I do find attractive. And some features may not matter to him. I’m not into feet, so you’ll never hear me compliment a woman about her feet.

    If you expect him to lie to you, I’ll have to say that’s unreasonable. If you’d like him to be more generous with the compliments, that seems a bit more reasonable.

    Giving compliments is a learned habit. It makes my girlfriend feel good about herself when I do it, it improves the relationship, and it doesn’t cost a thing.

  9. 49
    Kenley

    Se2010,
    Before you right this guy off, read Five Love Languages — or something like that.   The basic point of the book is that people express love in different ways.   The way you express love just may not be the way he does.   If he treats you well in other ways, perhaps that’s what is going on.      He has a different way of saying I love.   The problem is if he is speaking a language you don’t understand, you will misread it.
    Unfortunately for me, I read this book after I broke up with a boyfriend, but it helped explain soooo many things about his needs and my needs.   And if I knew then what I know now, I would not have been so annoyed with him for not navigating the world the way I do.
      

  10. 50
    starthrower68

    Kenley,

    While I think that is a good book to help us understand others, I must respectfully disagree that SE should stay any longer.   When a relationship becomes more upsetting and frustrating than edifying and uplifting, it’s time to let it go.   I suspect SE’s fella was/is quite satisfied to keep the status quo.   It requires nothing of him.   If he says he’s cold, that is not likely to change.   Evan has said time and time again that if a woman doesn’t like what’s going on then she should leave the situation.   Now, that having been said, we all have different thresholds of tolerance for things.   Sadly, for SE, it could very well be that said bf might just all of the sudden warm up and be openly emotional with a different woman.   It sucks, it’s not fair, but it is what it is.   If I were SE, I would make a clean break and move on to a man that is crazy about her.   If a man is truly over the moon about a woman, he will make sure she knows.

  11. 51
    Kenley

    The question is does he ACT like he doesn’t love her.   I’d prefer to have a guy who never says those words but demonstrates that he does over and over through his deeds and overall treatment of me versus one who says he loves me all the time and treats me like crap — which we know happens ALL the time.    The question she needs to ask herself is   HOW does he treat her, not just does he simply say words that can be hollow if not followed up with consistently loving behavior.   What if she is so focused on the words and overlooking the behavior.    That’s all I was suggesting — nothing more nothing less.    It would take her a day or two to read the book and get new insights.   I guess if I adored someone, one more day wouldn’t make a difference.   It’s not as if she said the guy was cheating on her or belittling her and doing anything bad.   Frankly, I think the fact that she says she needs to get out there and get a guy because her looks are fading suggests to me that perhaps she is a tad bit insecure.   When a woman is insecure, a man can never do enough to make her feel content because when you don’t love yourself, you don’t really believe that other people can love you.   She’s got to do it herself.   She’s got to believe the only person in the world who HAS to love her is her and getting love from anyone else is a delightful bonus.   Just my two cents.

  12. 52
    cynthia

    ive been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. he has said he loved me on his own like 5 times. he isnt affectionate or he does not express his feelings. in order to get a i love u back i have to say it and sometimes he doesnt even tell me he loves me back. i feel like he is just use to me. we dont go out much anymore he sees me almost everyday and he just boxes himself in my room and watches tv. he doesnt communicate with his friends or his family much. a friend of mine wanted us to join her at a park for a bbq and he wasnt interested. hes always been the quiet type. i need advice on ways to change things around, he is not a approachable guy he has a temper so its not like i can just talk to him. i have been thinking alot on just disappearing and having no contact with him for a few days but before i do leave a email expressing my thoughts and feelings. i know i can do way better but just the thought of having to start over with someone new is exausting.

  13. 53
    helpme!

    i have been dating a guy for a year, and told him i love you.   he was in a very serious relationship prior to us dating, and he told me that he rushed to say it the last time, and does not want that to happen again.
    a lot of the time when im with him, i feel the urge to say “i love you” but i dont because when i told him, he did not say it back, and said saying i love you is very serious to him.

  14. 54
    Karl R

    helpme! said: (#53)
    “i have been dating a guy for a year, and told him i love you.  […] he did not say it back, and said saying i love you is very serious to him.”

    Do you wish to continue dating this guy if he does not love you?

    If you don’t, then you should  do the following:  Tell him that you love him, and you understand that he might not feel the same way about you. Then tell him that you don’t want to continue to pursue the relationship with him if this is completely one-sided.

    If he loves you, he should take the cue and tell you. If he doesn’t, leave the relationship.

    You can’t make him love you. You (presumably) don’t want him to say the words if he doesn’t mean them. You want some clarity as to where you stand with him. Since you’ve been dating for a year, the guy should have some clue about how he feels towards you.

  15. 55
    helpme!

    KARL K – thank you for your insight. Your advice was very helpful, however, i feel as though that will take an awful amount of courage to say – seeing as if he doesnt say it back its over.   we have NO relationship problems other than this one thing.
    a lot of my friends are surprised to hear that he has yet to say it, since we are so close.   what if he says he is just not there yet, but knows that deep down, he can feel those feelings towards me? then what?
      
    🙂

  16. 56
    Karl R

    helpme!, (#55)
    If your boyfriend doesn’t love you after being in a relationship for one year, than an extra five or ten years won’t change that.

    You need to learn whether he loves you or not. (Which is why you need to discuss it with him if he doesn’t say “I love you back.”) Then you’ll know whether another five years would be anything more than a waste of your time.

    1. 56.1
      Zuma

      Good advice Karl. I will take it myself. This whole issue is so much more than 3 words. Ok so we all have different love languages. If you love someone in one language, learn how to translate into words or another language! Or what they need to hear. Otherwise it’s an excuse and a cop out. Declaring feelings like that is serious to everyone, not just men.

      This issue has led to my relationship going downhill. I find myself consciously holding back my feelings. He stonewalls. Getting resentful. Don’t love me but want me to babysit your misbehaving teens? I don’t think so anymore. Forget about sex. Knowing he won’t say I love you is a complete and total turnoff. At this point I’m not sure I want to hear it. Everything happens for a reason, sometimes we never learn what that reason is.

  17. 57
    helpme!

    Yeah your right. I tried to bring it up today, but the timing was off.   He is finishing up school an hour away from where i live in toronto, so the next time he comes in i plan to bring it up.   i assume skype is not the way to talk about this or on the phone…

  18. 58
    dragonflygirl

    Wow, I am amazed at how many people out there are feeling just like me.   I have been with my bf for a year now and are yet to hear the I love you from him.   I asked him one time when we were about 5 months into the relationship at that point he wasnt there yet.   He almost “jokes” around the issue by saying things like “i must love you because i cant stay mad at you” and he often refers to my love for him… by asking me to do something for him and saying ” since you love me so much ” He did slip one time a couple months ago as we were both driving away with our windos rolled down he said “see you later babe, love you”   but as far as him just telling me he loves me, he doesnt. He has no problem telling his mom, grandma, grandpa, kids, even his long time best friend, he tells them he loves them like the words are going out of style,   which is why I feel so confused… if he doesnt have a problem telling the people in his life that he loves them then why does he not say it to me?   We have been together one year this month.. we live together and have a great time together….. seems like he should know by now…

  19. 59
    Abby

    My boyfriend hasn’t said I love you after 2 and a half years. But there are reasons why I can understand why he hasn’t. I have done some wrong things in the relationship, and I regret them (not anything like sex with another guy, more like lying about talking to an ex more than once, and not telling him about it. I;ve done this more than once, and for bad reasons) BUT i fully regret them and have tried so hard to prove my trust.
      
    And I understand if he wanted to break up with me for it. But he didn’t.
      
    Now correct me, but if he’s STILL With me after this, it means something. RIght? And if he says, he didn’t think he could love me he wouldn’t be with me.
    But 2 and a half years?
      
    None of it adds up.

  20. 60
    Abby

    Oh, and he never compliments me. He talks to me like I’m one of the guys, doesn’t hug, hates to kiss, and you may be asking…is he gay? no definently, not. he loves sex. and you may be asking, are you stupid still being with him? the answer. possibly.

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