12 Rules To Keep A Man

Saw this video on a friend’s Facebook page and wanted to share it with you.

It made me think two things:

1) While we can quibble with the messenger, the message is pretty spot on. Much of it – apart from the appearance stuff – can be read in Why He Disappeared, in fact.

2) I should start making YouTube videos that get 100,000 hits.

What do you think of this guy’s “rules” and are there any with which you disagree?

(By the way, comments that list the equivalent rules for men and what’s wrong with men will be summarily deleted. That’s not the point of this post. —The Management)

Join our conversation (97 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 81
    "Doris"

    I said  (#66):
    “someone who refuses to do something without logical reasons is not necessarily close-minded at all.   They might very well be using their intuition, which is far better at sensing and predicting dangerous situations than the conscious (logical) mind can.”
    And then Karl responded (#70):

    ” In that case, tell your partner that it seems  risky to you, you want time to think about it, and you’ll discuss it later.
    Before you discuss it, take the time to  educate  your conscious mind to the point where you can give a logical reason to back up your decision.
    Intuition is a great tool when you  need  to make an uninformed decision quickly. It’s a poor substitute for taking the time to make aninformed  decision.
    And if a person  refuses  to educate themselves on a matter that’s personally important to them … is it possible to get  more  close-minded than that?”

    Karl has used the analogy of trying foods as an analogy for trying varied sexual practices.   This is not a valid analogy.   Generally speaking, trying new foods (provided basic sanitary practices have been used in preparation) has very little chance of physically or psychologically harming an individual; alternative sexual practices (or any physically robust or intimate experiences) carry a much great risk for harm.   If I said that as a 120-lb. woman I do not like playing full contact football, there would likely be few people who would question my preference, even if I hadn’t tried it.   I don’t need to try everything to know that something will not be pleasant for me.

    A person doesn’t have to justify their preferences.   Though we can change them over time, our preferences contribute to our unique self.   For example, I like the colors green and pink.   I cannot give a logical reason why l do.   I just know that I prefer these colors.   Friends of mine who love me accept me for my unique preferences such as these.

    There are many preferences that we all possess.   While I agree that it is good to be open-minded, it is also important to own one’s own preferences.   I fear there is a lot of mental “bullying” going on with men using arguments such as Karl’s (above) and preying upon women’s general tendency to want to please men in general and their individual man specifically.   There is such a thing as overdoing it in relationships; it’s known as co-dependence.

    I’ve heard this subject of “women need to please their men” come up a lot in the media.   I think it is rather funny because, ultimately, the only person who is responsible for one’s sexual fulfillment is oneself.   The mind is a powerful sex organ and people throughout the ages have managed to find sexual outlets, with most of them acceptable within their culture’s mores.   I understand that people can bored with the same-old, same-old, but, really, if you have to run the gamut of all the aberrant sexual practices within the first year of your relationship, what does that leave you for the rest of   your relationship?   It seems to me that a man who gets bored easily is a man that will be bored easily throughout the duration of a relationship… and that doesn’t bode well for a long-term, stable match.

  2. 82
    Margo

    Bravo, Doris! 🙂  “Mental bullying”  is definitely the word for  the type of mindset  you describe. When presented with a woman’s aversion to a certain sexual technique or position,  and subsequent refusal to try it, from what he posted it isn’t enough that she discuss it with him. She has to negotiate and compromise on it, or he considers leaving her. That is the kind of relationship that I want no part of.

    This type of  mindset is  selfish and unreasonable.  In addition, as  you posted, Doris,  it is also a  significant risk to establishing a healthy, long-term, loving relationship.  

  3. 83
    Karl R

    Gem said: (#80)
    “Example: On the show: Sex and the City, Carrie was dating a politician who wanted her to urinate on him.”

    By now you’re getting all the way into sexual fetishes. Based on what I’ve gathered talking to friends who have sexual fetishes, they’re not inclined quit engaging in them for the rest of their lives. In their view, it’s not far from asking one of us to voluntarily enter a sexless marriage.

    I doubt my friends are representative of all people with fetishes, but I suspect there are at least a significant portion who feel the same way. If you are in a relationship with a politician who wants you to pee on him, you have three choices: (1) fulfill his fetish, (2) allow him to fulfill his fetish outside the relationship, (3) end the relationship. If I was in that situation, I’d pick 1 or 3, depending on the particular fetish.

    Leaving is always a valid choice. Making someone change to fit your preferences is not. This thread is titled “12 Rules to Keep a Man.” If you decide he’s not worth keeping, or you create a situation where he decides to leave, then we’ve gotten outside of the topic of the video.

    Doris said: (#81)
    “I fear there is a lot of mental ‘bullying’ going on with men using arguments such as Karl’s (above)”

    Leaving is bullying? Having been bullied repeatedly while growing up, I would have been delighted if the bullies had chosen to leave.

    If one partner strongly  prefers to do things that the other partner is completely averse to, I’d call it sexual incompatability and break things off.

    I wouldn’t call it bullying.

    Margo said: (#82)
    “When presented with a woman’s aversion to a certain sexual technique or position,  and subsequent refusal to try it, from what he posted it isn’t enough that she discuss it with him. She has to negotiate and compromise on it, or he considers leaving her.”

    Compromise can take a lot of forms. The compromise could be her suggesting a different technique or position which I agree to.

    I’m not interested in a relationship where my attempts to  add  variety to the sex involve  me making one suggestion after another  while the woman vetoes them. It doesn’t feel like a partnership to me. If you don’t like the man’s suggestion, make a different suggestion. That’s negotiation. Is it really that horrible for you to come up with an idea?

    If you’re clever, you can win  the negotiation  every time. When he makes a suggestion that you don’t like, make a suggestion that he likes better than his original  suggestion. Both of you will feel like you won.

    Doris asked: (#81)
    “really, if you have to run the gamut of all the aberrant sexual practices within the first year of your relationship, what does that leave you for the rest of  your relationship?”

    Is this really a common problem for you in your relationships?

    99% of the time, you’ll have a partner who is alot closer to mainstream … even when he/she is being experimental. The only exception I personally know is a plain vanilla IT geek who is dating a fetish queen. And he knew what he was getting into before the first date.

    I find it likely that my fiancée and I will end up debating which pose to try out of the kama sutra at some point in the future. I don’t think either of us will end up suggesting that  we involve farm animals “just for the sake of variety.”

  4. 84
    Helen

    Karl R #79, you set up a false dichotomy when you write: “You seem to be viewing this as being entirely about power and control. And that attitude is the antithesis of negotiation and compromise, either inside or outside of the bedroom.”

    Negotiation IS about power and control.  We negotiate for resources  and goods, which are the means  by which we have any measure of power and control  in human society.

    If someone says “No” to someone or something, and the other person keeps pushing them to try to change their mind, that is HARASSMENT.   Doesn’t matter if it occurs in the  bedroom, barroom, or boardroom.  People don’t need to justify their answer “No.” My hubby has certain things he doesn’t like that I  can’t  always understand – but I accept it, and don’t try to keep pushing him. He respects me the same way.   If either of us felt the need to “negotiate” to get the other person to cater to our every pleasure despite the other person’s discomfort, and couldn’t respect the  answer “no,” you can bet we wouldn’t still be married.

    If a woman keeps saying no to a man about something that makes her uncomfortable, and he  chooses to make that  a dealbreaker, then all the better – for  both of them.  

    Doris and Margo: Amen, sisters.

  5. 85
    Annie

    I tend to agree with Karl on this one, but I’m not sure I would use the words compromise?

    In many way’s, discussing the reason why you may not like something, can often help you to find another way to achieve the same result. So you aren’t so much as compromising as gaining a deeper understanding of each other and how to please each other.

    I do agree with the ladies though, that one does need to ultimately accept No for an answer on many things. IE if I date a guy who hates chick flicks, then I accep the “no” he won’t go, it’s really not a big deal.

    I guess at the end of the day, the more Dealbreakers you have(where you must say No  ), the more difficulty you will have if finding a partner.

  6. 86
    Gem

    “Negotiation IS about power and control.  We negotiate for resources  and goods, which are the means  by which we have any measure of power and control  in human society.”
    Negotiation CAN  come from a place of  power and control in a relationship or in dealing with business, but it can also come from a place of love and respect where both partners want the best for each other and want to find a happy medium which will be mutually satisfying.

    The latter is what I want from partner and I want to give. I think that’s the point Karl is making.

    “If someone says “No” to someone, and the other person keeps pushing them to try to change their mind, that is HARASSMENT.”  

    If my partner and I could not find a happy medium on something, after I openly tried to negotiate, sexual or otherwise, and he kept badgering me to wear me down, Yes, that would be Harassment. And it would be disrespectful and would show that he didn’t have my best interests at heart.

    No one is suggesting a woman do that. The point is to be open enough to have the discussion, maybe try something new, and if possible compromise and negotiate a solution where both partner’s needs are met. If that model doesn’t result in a solution, respecting the limitations of each other is in order.

    But Karl is right, if someone KNOWS they will not be happy unless they have “X” in their life, and there is no way to find a compromise, then that person may leave. It could be you, it could be him, and that’s life.

    Loving each other is about trying to prevent that, and find solutions when possible.  

  7. 87
    Margo

    “But Karl is right, if someone KNOWS they will not be happy unless they have “X” in their life, and there is no way to find a compromise, then that person may leave. It could be you, it could be him, and that’s life.”

    Gem, information on what both people need should be revealed to each other before a relationship is entered into. That way, both people can be confident they can have their sexual needs met and no one has to end the relationship over sexual preferences.

    As long as both people love each other and are trying to please each other sexually, both parties  should be able to get over when the other one  vetos a sexual request.

  8. 88
    Jadafisk

    “By now you’re getting all the way into sexual fetishes. Based on what I’ve gathered talking to friends who have sexual fetishes, they’re not inclined quit engaging in them for the rest of their lives. In their view, it’s not far from asking one of us to voluntarily enter a sexless marriage.”
    That being said, the fetishist has to consider their realistic options as well. There are some sexual desires that are unlikely to be satisfied for free by anyone the person is remotely attracted to and able to get along with, who resides within a reasonable location radius, who is as equally motivated to satisfy them and is about equally as incompatible with others who refuse to engage in the fetish. There are people who will spend the rest of their lives alone because if they have a partner, that partner *must* diaper them while they mewl and shake a rattle during at least one out of every four sexual encounters. If the significant other won’t do it… someone else may not either, depending on what it is.

  9. 89
    starthrower68

    I’m sure I will catch flack on this, but all of the libertinism out there has cheapened and depersonalized sex.   Sex is a good and wonderful thing in its place but its not really an elevation of the human spirit in this day and age.   My viewpoint is not popular, I know.   It’s a good thing I don’t care about being popular. :o)

  10. 90
    SS

    No flack from me Starthrower68. I understand what you’re saying completely.
      
    Guess I’m not popular either!

  11. 91
    Margo

    I’m with SS and Starthrower on this one. Sanctity and love in marriage should always come first.

  12. 92
    Annie

    @89

    I tend to agree with you Star on that. It seems to have lost it’s connectivity component and is almost a false form of intimacy with the way some people approach it.

  13. 93
    TraciT

    I LOVED this and as a female was not offended AT ALL! The guy was sooo spot on and hilarious. I really enjoyed hearing his point of view. I haven’t read any of the other comments, but I think that it should be said that just almost all of the guy’s points can also apply to men, not just women. As a woman (yes, single…haha), when I was hearing the rundown, I have to say that I would want a guy to take heed to a lot of those things too. Shoot some of those points can apply to platonic relationships as well! The only question I had/have is that if you’re a female that already does at least most of those things in her relationship(s) and it still doesn’t work out, what then? Is the answer really as simple as “he wasn’t the right guy”? If that stuff is really all that it takes, then wouldn’t the relationship just keep going? I have a hard time understanding how decent women still get dumped by decent guys, haha. Maybe there isn’t a simple answer, haha.

  14. 94
    Grace

    I think he is point on for all of his rules.   He’s funny but correct.   Evan covers many of these same points.

  15. 95
    Missy

    Love It !!!

  16. 96
    judy

    Loved the video.
    Yes, I no longer hang out much with single women because their advice doesn’t help much.
    But certainly, I enjoy the company of my male (and female) colleagues who are in
    relationships.   We have teased each other to death (tease = playful talk, not necessarily sexual) and often, some of their feedback is extremely useful.
    Listening to the men is a great idea.
    I think the video was spot on.   Would have preferred less swearing but well.

  17. 97
    Fagan O'Reilly

    I think he’s spot on.   Plus he’s funny.

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