Andrew Sullivan posted this piece last month and I thought it was worth sharing.
In no particular order:
1. Mixed-race singles are viewed as more attractive by other ethnic singles, giving them a comparative advantage in online dating. “Asian-white women, who were viewed more favorably than all other groups by white and Asian men, and Asian-white and Hispanic-white men were given “bonus” status by Asian and Hispanic women. … This “bonus effect,” which the researchers said was “truly unheard of in the existing sociological literature,” goes against the long established “one drop rule” amongst American sociologists. Usually applied to people with partial African descent, the rule essentially states that multiracial people even who are even a small part non-white are viewed simply as part of the lower-status (non-white) group.”
I’ve had many ethnic clients who felt that they were being discriminated against and I find it heartening to know that they are appealing to broader groups, instead of being dropped lower in the social caste system because of the color of their skin. America is changing – in a good way.
2. I’m very big on getting the order right on relationships. When to meet from online dating (about a week), when to become boyfriend-girlfriend (4-8 weeks), when to have sex (after you’re boyfriend-girlfriend), when to move in (1 1/2 to 2 years), when to get engaged (2-3 years) and so on. These aren’t just my personal feelings; they are mere reflections of what big data tells us about relationships en masse. Well, sure enough, a new study shows that people who don’t consider normal relationship milestones are more likely to break up.
As always, just because you fucked a stranger on the first date, moved in two weeks later and are happy together twenty years later doesn’t mean that this is a prototypical healthy relationship paradigm.
“Think of the college couple whose relationship began as a random hookup, the couple who moved in together so that they could pay less rent, or the couple who chose to elope on a whim rather than have a formal wedding. These are couples who, often without realizing it, slid through relationship transitions that could have been planned out, discussed, and debated. The data show that couples who slid through their relationship transitions ultimately had poorer marital quality than those who made intentional decisions about major milestones. How couples make choices matters.”
As always, just because you fucked a stranger on the first date, moved in two weeks later and are happy together twenty years later doesn’t mean that this is a prototypical healthy relationship paradigm. Instead, it’s like the proverbial clock that is right twice a day.
3. Finally, another study points out what should be obvious: people who break up other couples (called “poaching”) are less likely to have stable relationships themselves. Really? You mean that if I convince another woman to cheat on her boyfriend with me, that may be an indicator that I have no moral compass and that she exhibits a lack of integrity and poor-decision making abilities? Sure enough, that’s what the numbers show.
“Being poached by your current partner, the researchers conclude, is both fairly common (10 to 30 percent of study participants reported their relationship began that way), and “a reliable predictor of poor relationship functioning.”
Man, I love it when actual studies verify the same thing I’ve been observing anecdotally for a decade. 🙂
Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.