A Father’s Advice: Know Your Worth

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I wish I wrote this myself, but since I didn’t, I figure I can share it.

What the author, Dr. Kelly Flanagan, is talking about are the qualities that make a man a good husband.

In a nutshell, a good husband treats you right. It’s not about what he looks like, what he does, or what he believes. It’s how he treats you.

Evaluate men on their performance as boyfriend instead of their external characteristics and you’ll have one happy life.

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Comments:

  1. 41
    Ruby

    Tom10
      
    “I happen to think that dating is a complex game which needs a lot of skill and awareness to navigate successfully. Simply “being you” just won’t cut it so I’m not sure of the usefulness of advising someone that it will.”
      
    Having high self-esteem should definitely be part of anyone’s arsenal in terms of having the skills and awareness needed to navigate dating. That’s basic, and the all the other stuff can be learned when a girl is older.
      
      

  2. 42
    starthrower68

    And last time I checked, it seems to be the consensus here that self confidence is an attractive quality.   A healthy level of self esteem would seem to be part of that. Unless we’re now supposed to believe you should be confident and dislike yourself at the same time?  

  3. 43
    Scott

    I tell my D16 she has a big brain and she can do anything she sets her mind to and works hard to accomplish.   I tell her she is great and I am lucky to get to be her dad.   We go on Dad-daughter dinners.   I thought I was helping her feel good about herself.   I hope I am not encouraging her to feel overly entitled.

  4. 44
    Girl in the midwest

    I re-read the letter, and I think the dad is not over-doing it.   I especially like the sentences beginning with “I don’t care if …”   So I agree with everyone who says that girls need their dads to tell them these things, and he’s being a good dad.   However, in my opinion, there should be a huge asterisk saying: you only have a right to ask this from a spouse if you hold yourself to the same high standards.
      
      
    For example, the father says to the daughter “…as long as he was raised to value the sacred and to know every moment of life, and every moment of life with you, is deeply sacred.”   The daughter should expect this from her husband if she values every moment with her husband too.   You know, the goose-gander thing.   It can’t be only one side give give give.  

  5. 45
    Girl in the midwest

    @starthrower68
      
    I agree with you that confidence and self esteem are really attractive and important in life as well, not just in dating.   I think true confidence and self esteem need to have substance behind it.   If not, it’s just like me telling myself I am awesome when I am shitty.   Sort of like printing money with no additional wealth to back it up.   The dollar will just depreciate.
      
    What I said doesn’t conflict with what you said, I’m just adding to it.   I think it’s an important part that people forget sometimes.

  6. 46
    starthrower68

    I am lousy when it comes to relationships with men unless its strictly platonic or professional.   I am a good parent.

  7. 47
    Tom10

    bluewoman #39
    “If you do not believe me, then ask those in successful long term marriages.”
      
    I believe you.
      
    starthrower68
    “self confidence is an attractive quality…Unless we’re now supposed to believe you should be confident and dislike yourself at the same time?”.
      
    As I don’t have children I’m probably out of depth discussing parenting with someone who does. You seem like a loving mother and I don’t mean to cast aspersions on anyone’s parenting techniques so I’ll refrain from saying too much on the topic.
      
    I accept (and stated in post #15) that high self-esteem is critically important. Girl in the Midwest explained it better than I did. Basically I have a friend who drinks too much which turns women off – then he complains that women don’t accept him as he is. I feel it’s his responsibility to drink at a level that the women he’s attracted to find acceptable, not their responsibility to accept him as he is. The same goes for weight issues, unemployment, mental health issues, personality, dress sense etc.
      
    Once the individual has addressed these issues and developed their self-esteem they still need to be realistic on who they can attract. When I read comments here from people who are looking for someone they will simply never manage to attract, I always wonder why their expectations are so out of whack with their reality. That’s where Peter’s comment about valuing your worth correctly applies. I just wondered if parenting has something to do with it.
      
    It’s my *personal* belief that I don’t deserve anything or anyone unless I work for it — i.e. I have no expectations. That doesn’t mean I see myself as worthless or dislike myself – like Girl in the Midwest I base my self-worth on how I behave and what I achieve, not just on being me.
      
    Ruby #41
    “all the other stuff can be learned when a girl is older”
      
    Fair point.
      
    Scott #43
    “I tell my D16 she has a big brain and she can do anything she sets her mind to and works hard to accomplish.”
      
    So we’re in agreement then.

  8. 48
    Lia

    I do not see pride and arrogance as one and the same with high self-esteem.   I do not believe that those who are arrogant and believe they are better than others and are entitled have true self-esteem.   So when a father reminds his daughter that she is enough I do not see that as a bad thing.   He is not telling her – to hell with others only you count – he is telling her that her worth is an intrinsic part of who she is.
      
    How is this a bad thing?   How does this in any way lessen the value of others?   How does that set her up to be selfish?   If her worth is an intrinsic part of who she is then it is an intrinsic part of others as well.   He reminds her of this, that others are worthy of interest also.
      
    He writes about her future mate and that it doesn’t matter how much he makes, whether he plays golf, how he votes, the color of his skin, his religious background… how is this setting her up to pass up good guys?   She doesn’t need to marry a doctor or athlete, a lawyer or captain of industry… what she needs is the man who sees her worth and she needs to see his.   
      
    I would like to ask if there are any married men commenting here.   If so, is your wife aware of her value?   Does she know that she is more than her education level whether it be high school graduate or PhD.   Does she know that she is more than the size of her breasts or her butt, that she is more than the number on the scale or the number of years in her age because no matter the number she is who she is at her core?   Does she know YOUR value?   Does she know that you are more than the amount of money you can earn or your level of education?   Does she see you and accept you as you are?
      
    High self-esteem does not mean that we don’t strive to stay in shape or make more money, it does not mean that we don’t want to do the best we can in work or relationships, it just means that we don’t do these things in order to fill the vast emptiness that comes from not understanding our true value.   And it is this emptiness that will never be filled from the outside

  9. 49
    Ruby

    Tom10 #47
      
    “I feel it’s his responsibility to drink at a level that the women he’s attracted to find acceptable, not their responsibility to accept him as he is. The same goes for weight issues, unemployment, mental health issues, personality, dress sense etc.”
      
    But many, if not most, of these issues have LOW self-esteem at the core. If you want to be fit and healthy, you’ll exercise, give up smoking, drinking to excess, and unhealthy eating habits. You’ll work hard, and try to form good friendships. If you’re taking good care of yourself, you’re going to feel better and have a better outlook and happier personality. That’s why I said that self-esteem is basic. If you fell good about yourself, you’ll not only have higher expectations for how you want to be treated, but you’ll treat others better too, and be a better partner. Women have higher rates of depression than men do, and I think that low self-esteem is one of the reasons.

  10. 50
    Star

    Amazing letter. My father wasn’t around to give me any kind of advice as a child, although he is sort of there for me now I’m a grown woman, but the advice in that letter is what I am starting to live by in my heart.
    There are some shitty pieces of work out there. A woman needs to know deep inside herself that she is worth love, kindness and respect. Too many women accept and put up with much less, because they don’t know any better, and the men who treat them badly because they just can.
    If more women had a father to tell her this stuff, there certainly wouldn’t be as much need for dating coaches, that’s for sure.
    Of course men need to be treated with respect too, but a woman who loves and respects herself, and brings out the best of her feminine qualities, will undoubtably be the kind of woman most men would feel good with.
      

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