A Man Is Not Real Until He Is Your Boyfriend

You want to know why your heart gets broken each time a new guy disappears?

It’s not because you’re a fool for believing that good men exist.

It’s not because he’s an evil human being hell-bent on destroying your self-esteem.

It’s not because you will not be able to survive without him. You’ve gone your entire life without him! I’m sure you’ll be fine once he’s gone.

The reason your heart gets broken each time a new guy disappears is because you are SURPRISED when he disappears.

Look at your life. Men disappearing is probably a semi-normal occurrence. Then why act so shocked and devastated when outcome is so predictable?

I’m not blaming you for having feelings. What I want to do is show you how to manage them – to protect yourself from continual heartbreak.

The reason your heart gets broken each time a new guy disappears is because you are SURPRISED when he disappears.

Men may still frustrate you, but I can make things easier, especially if you use online dating as a means to meet men. By mastering this medium and understanding male behavior, you can finally be in control of your own love life, and not a victim of disappearing men.

Yes, it really is that simple.

If you’ve ever been really hot for a new online dating prospect, you’re not alone.

You see a picture, you read a profile, and you start to get excited.

You write an email and he writes back.

Suddenly, you’re flirting like crazy, eagerly anticipating his every response.

There’s wit, there’s sexual innuendo, there’s instant talk about making plans.

Better yet, he seems sincere. He’s a good guy. He’s trying hard. Your phone calls are effortless and frequent. You remember that this is how dating is supposed to feel.

You plan your first date for Saturday night, and you have butterflies beforehand. You know that dates are rarely as promising as the buildup. But, sure enough, when he shows up, he’s as cute as his picture.

You have an amazing evening, filled with easy conversation and laughter. He’s chivalrous, interesting, attentive, and warm. You close the restaurant, end with a goodnight kiss, and a promise to do this again soon.

He texts you the next day to say he had fun, and instantly makes plans for the following Friday evening. You say yes.

He checks in during the week – a call here, an email there – not too needy, not too distant. He’s doing everything just right. It’s almost as if he’s reading your mind!

Friday night rolls around. You play mini-golf and grab two rounds of drinks at a nearby bar, after which you go back to your place and make out on the couch for an hour. In fact, you do a little more than that, but hold a little bit back. All in all, a great night.

He says good night and tells you he’ll call the next day.

But he doesn’t.

You go online and see that he’s checked his email.

You wait for his call, his email, his text. Nothing.

Another day goes by.

And another.

You check him out on the dating site again. He’s online RIGHT NOW and he still hasn’t called.

What the hell is wrong with this guy? He seemed so great, so perfect, so kind, so consistent.

How is he turning out to be like all the others?

If this story feels familiar to you, it’s because it’s familiar to EVERYONE.

And the reason it hurts so badly is simple: our expectations aren’t aligned with reality.

Sandy was a 45-year-old client living in rural Wisconsin. She had seen a really cute guy on Match.com and signed up for my Passion Course to figure out how to get his attention.

I wrote her profile, got her professional photos, and started our weekly coaching sessions. By the second week, the cute guy had already written to her. (This stuff is POWERFUL!)

Soon, they were bantering back and forth multiple times a day, and he started to plot their first date.

But there was a problem.

When the cute guy Googled Sandy’s hometown, he was surprised to learn that she lived 3 hours away. He knew he didn’t want to get into a long-distance relationship, and so, instead of trekking to go on a first date, he emailed Sandy to apologize and wish her well in her search for love.

Sandy was destroyed.

Even though she’d only exchanged a few emails, she’d gotten excited about this cute, successful, articulate, enthusiastic man.

If 9 times out of 10 (in real life), the special guy doesn’t turn out to be all that special, it may be smarter to reserve judgment for later.

She started to picture life with a partner.

She started to dream about this man saving her from a life of loneliness.

As a result of this wishful thinking, Sandy was as hurt by this man’s simple email as she would have been if they’d been dating and broken up.

I shared in Sandy’s pain, then informed her that she could respond in 1 of 2 ways:

1)    She could be devastated that Mr. Right turned out to be Mr. Wrong. She could have that sick feeling in the pit of her stomach and lose sleep over how she’s going to replace him. Or…

2)    She could realize that she’d never even MET this man. They’d never talked on the phone. They’d never met. They’d never slept together. They really didn’t have any relationship whatsoever. As a result, Sandy wasn’t “losing” anything; she never had anything to lose.

Which do you think is a healthier approach?

It’s not that Sandy was wrong to look at all the available signs and conclude that she had special connection with a special guy. Anyone in her right mind would draw the same conclusion.

It’s that, if 9 times out of 10 (in real life), the special guy doesn’t turn out to be all that special, it may be smarter to reserve judgment for later.

This is what I mean about adjusting your expectations to conform to reality.

I’ve had women tell me to chastise men to start following through more, to stop being so nice if they’re not ready for a relationship, to promise to call after having sex.

I hear you, and I agree that men could stand to do hundreds of things better to improve your relationships. However, as you know, I can no more stop men from being men than I can stop the earth from turning.

As such, your lesson, as a woman, is not to wish men acted another way, but to understand how they DO act and prepare yourself emotionally.

Because a man can be really interested in you, sleep with you, act like a future boyfriend for a few weeks, and be doing the EXACT SAME THING with another woman simultaneously.

Or he could seem like a great guy, make a great effort for you, and then realize, when it’s time to commit, that he’s just not ready for a commitment.

The point is that, by getting too excited about a promising dating prospect, you’re emotionally setting yourself up for heartbreak. And you don’t have to.

When you choose to be devastated by a man who is NOT your boyfriend, what you’re really doing is holding onto the loss of your fantasy. You’re not really mourning the loss of a guy you never had.

It’s the difference in feeling between losing a million dollars (devastating) vs. the feeling of NOT winning the lottery at all when you had 4 numbers (mildly irritating).

When you choose to be devastated by a man who is NOT your boyfriend, what you’re really doing is holding onto the loss of your fantasy.

You know when you CAN get excited? When the contract is signed, the ink is dry, and you know, without a doubt, that your dating prospect has become your BOYFRIEND.

Until then, each promising man is not actually “real.” He is merely hope, potential and fantasy.

Remembering this will save you a TREMENDOUS amount of trouble when you’re dating online. No longer will each flaky and disappointing man derail you. You’ll be able to bounce back and persevere instead of quitting. This is what’s going to pay off with a serious relationship in the long run.

Join our conversation (132 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 61

    I hope I’m not being too rude, but I remember when you first started talking about this man, and a few things that you said seemed to raise a red flag, at least for me.
    This is a man who told you that if he has sex with a woman too soon, he sees her differently and loses interest. While I know that a number of men might think this way, if a man I’m dating (or was dating) tells me this, it tells me a few things about him that I consider to be distasteful — especially if he’s the one that attempted or successfully initiated sex and then decides to “judge” me for it.
    It seems that this is what he did to you.
    In general, I believe in waiting until a guy is your boyfriend before sex, but since that didn’t happen (and no judgment on my part, BTW), I think that created the situation that Evan always talks about. Women often learn after the fact that a man wasn’t necessarily interested in a relationship simply because he showed interest in the early going. This is why he tells us to slow down and hold back on that level of intimacy so we can find out for sure if a man is actually interested in us versus just having sex with us.
    I too can vouch for my husband doing all of the heavy lifting in the relationship early on… he always called first, planned dates, initiated contact… I never had to question anything in terms of his sincerity and he never “poofed.” And the best thing was, I just got to sit back and observe his actions to figure out exactly what his interest level was.

  2. 62

    What about a guy who does the disappearing act and vanishes for 6 weeks and then reappears?  I didn’t mind the disappearing act because, honestly, I wasn’t feeling it either and had decided it was better to end things; his disappearing told me that he felt the same.  But now he is back and I’m still not interested.  Do I owe HIM an explanation? 

    I feel that people sometimes just disappear.  I also feel that sometimes giving a reason invites people to think its a negotiation. 

  3. 63

    Trenia #54: The onus is on every single one of us, male or female, to change if we aren’t getting what we want. Otherwise we keep getting the same results, because the world isn’t going to change for our benefit. Sometimes “change” might mean walking away from those who aren’t giving us what we want more quickly than we have been doing in the past.
    On a related note: I can tell you that women have self-defeating tendencies that guys who want to date successfully had better get, or else. The big thing is precisely your tendency to get ahead of yourselves. Many women put a lot of stock in this whole “first-date chemistry” thing, and it doesn’t serve anyone. Either you’re not giving someone who could be great for you a chance (“if I’m not feeling he could be the one for me after one date I’m never going to feel it”), or you are hooked on someone you don’t know all that well.
    And yes, women do the disappearing act too! It sucks to have that done to you whether you are female or male.

  4. 64

    Sarah #47: Good point. Although by now I disagree with telling women that I want to be their boyfriend when I am still not really sure.
    It’s something like interviewing. When I was looking for a position and I was going on interviews, I made it a point to be well-prepared, engaged, and *interested* when on that interview. I made the best impression I could, and this was whether I was sure I really wanted the job or not. It was in my best interest to do so. See as much as possible, I wanted to have the choice as to what job I would take. So my strategy was to get them interested, and then after I could assess how much I liked what they showed me.
    I wonder if that is what is happening in this article. The guy probably was making an effort to make a strong impression, and THEN he was evaluating his feelings. He disappeared because, well, what was he going to tell her, after what he said and did those two dates. For the record, I think his disappearing was poor behavior on his part, but c’est la vie.

    1. 64.1

      I think this is a good analogy, but I also think it’s clear that people can easily take this too far.  Making a good impression and working to make them think you really really want the job are different things.  That employer is whittling down its pool of interviewees and needs to have an accurate understanding of who is really invested in the outcome and who is not.    And women are doing the same.

      People need to be true to their word.

  5. 65

    Evan, you need to tell people that don’t want to see someone again to tell them SOMETHING.  Disappearing is the most evil and cowardly thing someone can do to someone else.  It just leaves the person hanging in mid air, probably with with false hopes and lowered self esteem.  That sucks.

    If I’m not into a guy I tell him that I don’t think we’re right for each other, or I’ve gone back to an old boyfriend.  ANYTHING is better than nothing.  Even a lie is better than nothing.  Knowing that somone is not into you might be painful but in the end it’s freeing because it’s over, there’s nothing really to dwell on anymore.  It’s over and you know it.  But, if someone just disappears there can always be a question, or a worry that you did something wrong.  It can be mind boggling.

    I have always had more respect (I guess that’s the word) for a man who TOLD me it’s over rather than just disappear.

  6. 66

    @ Been There #65,

    If you want to give him an explanation as a matter of courtesy, then you can certainly do that.  But you do not OWE him an explanation.  While I realize that tit-for-tat does not a successful relationship bring, you were not the one to disappear.  If he felt it was better to end things, it’s likely he’s got nothing else going on, so he thought he’d see if he could start something with you again.  I wouldn’t put much, if any stock in it. 

    @ Michael17 #67,

    So how do you resolve the conundrum of a woman keeping her interest in you close to the vest when you impress her? Because as we know, a woman may well be interested but if she’s smart, she’s not going to take a great first date too seriously knowing full well that it means nothing. 

  7. 67

    Claudia 68,
    Evan, you need to tell people that don’t want to see someone again to tell them SOMETHING

    Evan could say that, but it won’t stop people from disappearing and not saying anything. Nothing is going to make a man (or woman) change their behavior, and certainly not anything someone tells them to do. (Especially not a man, lol).
    That’s why the best thing is simply to focus on how we can deal with such behavior if or when it happens, and find the healthiest way to move on.

  8. 68

    Claudia you seem really hurt and I sympathize.

    Ok, after reading the last couple posts I’m confused. Did this guy I’m interested in disappear or not? Or did he disappear and come back? He missed a very important event in my life, gave me a reason and apologized. After that it was nada for a week, then contact.

  9. 69

    Just curious with the posters who shared their sad experiences about the “disappearing” or inconsistent men, have they officiated your relationship to boyfriend/girlfriend status?  Have they professed to be “Yours Truly”?
    If they haven’t, I guess what Evan’s blog would answer any queries about the guy in question.

  10. 70

    starthrower #69: Not sure what your question is. A woman lets on that she’s impressed, but she is smart, she keeps it to herself if she is smitten.

    Many women do what appears to be the same thing I mentioned in my post #67.  I’ve gone on first dates where, going by the woman’s behavior, I was “positive” the woman was into me. The conversation just flowed, with her clearly engaged and asking me lots of questions, and we even were holding hands. When I walked her to her car she offered to drive me to mine. But then I never saw her again, her decision not mine. This has happened more than once. Maybe in each case the girl was acting more interested than she really was, for the reason I mentioned in #67?

  11. 71

    Michael17 #73, This may sound cheesy but her offer to drive you to your car after a first date is most likely an attempt to see what you are driving.   Especially considering that she asked you lots of questions during the date. Baby seats or obnoxious bumper sticks may be red flags for her.  The offer is not a positive or a negative.

  12. 72

    Anita #72…
    Exactly. That’s the whole point Evan is trying to make.
    In my life, all of the “poofs” and disappearing acts came from men who NEVER EXPRESSED THAT WE WERE BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND. And yes, while it’s always disappointing when something that appears to be promising vanishes, the overall lesson I had to learn — and that Evan is teaching here — is that we never had anything to begin with. We were just dating, and honestly, the man does have every right to just walk off without an explanation because we never established anything in the first place.  I say the woman has the same right as well.
    While I do hate it when these men engage in talk about wanting to take trips together, go a particular place on a date or have me meet family and friends, and then never follow through, again, until they’ve specifically professed something to me and stated that we were in a relationship, there’s nothing really to bank on.

  13. 73
    Karl R

    starthrower68 asked: (#69)
    “So how do you resolve the conundrum of a woman keeping her interest in you close to the vest when you impress her?”

    I’m not seeing a conundrum either.

    Let’s assume two savvy daters go on a first date. Both try to make it a good date, because they’d like the other person to be into them, and they’d like the option of having a second date (if that’s what they want). Furthermore, both recognize that the other person is doing the exact same thing.

    The goal (for both of them) is to have the option for a second date. If the man was sufficiently impressed, he will ask the woman out again. If not, he won’t. If the woman was sufficiently impressed, she will accept the invitation. If not, she won’t.

    As a man, I want to know whether the woman is sufficiently interested. When I ask a woman out, I will get a response. (For those of you who are confused, silence is a response which means “No thanks.”)

    Claudia said: (#68)
    “Evan, you need to tell people that don’t want to see someone again to tell them SOMETHING.”

    The people who need to hear this aren’t coming to Evan asking about the polite way to break up. And if you offer advice to people who aren’t listening, you’re just wasting your time.

    Claudia said: (#68)
    “Disappearing is the most evil and cowardly thing someone can do to someone else.”

    Is that really the most evil thing you can imagine one person doing to another?

    If so, you’re shockingly naive. I could not imagine having a partner who was that naive. At some point my fiancée and I will have to deal with one of us suffering from a devastating illness or injury. We can rely on each other to function through crises and tragedies. We won’t have to deal with the crisis -and- our partner going to pieces at the same time.

    If you’re not that naive, than you’re acting like a drama queen. I have Jewish friends who lost extended family members to the holocaust. I have a friend from Eastern Europe whose family suffered attrocities at the hands of both the Germans and the Soviets. I have friends who were forcibly raped. My grandparents were murdered in a failed robbery. I would be embarassed if my fiancée were to describe an act of rudeness as “the most evil thing” in front of anyone who has actually experienced something more worthy of that claim.

    That’s the kind of statement that will drive men away.

    I realize that you’re probably hurting right now, and that it’s probably the pain talking. But at some point I’m going to unintentionally do something that hurts my fiancée. While I’m sure she will let me know when that happens, she won’t be overreacting at that time. You are overreacting.

    I realize I’m being harsh, but you’re sending up a red flag when you say things like that. And when you’re finished being offended at my harshness, you might find it useful to know about the red flag.

  14. 74

    great advice Evan. I think that is key to dating, not getting your hopes up too much. I do this now when dating, but honestly, even if ur not emotionally invested and just have a few dates, the dissapointment is there.  It gets tiring. I recommend people to take breaks and do something good for  themselves, volunteer, go on a trip. etc. helps me 🙂

  15. 75

    I do feel Claudia #68’s pain RE disappearing acts. Disappearing is classless and it is disrespectful IMO too.

    Now I don’t think she really feels that it is worse than other crimes against humanity, but it does suck to be disappeared on. There is actually a chemical reaction in our bodies that somewhat resembles crack withdrawal. 

    MilkyMae #74: I drive a 9-year-old Dodge. Thanks to the woman dropping me off, I have gotten to sit inside a brand new BMW and an Audi though. If a woman is writing me off because of that, then good. I dodged a bullet.

  16. 76

    By the way Karl #76, it does sound that you have seen a lot. Wow.

  17. 77


    thx for your comment and yes only if we allow others to make us feel that way.

    So now, I just gather he is just not that into me …

    and go on find others who will

    I feel calmer than better

    wish everyone love

  18. 78

    Touche, mon ami with what you said about “…there is NOTHING to bank on” with words.  What you described about how men says this and that, based on the feeling of the moment, can be described as an intention.  However an intention is just that; an intention.  Unless he follows up with action, that will cement where you are in his life.  As they say: Action speaks louder than words.
    Otherwise, do try to put things into perspective and hold onto your heart until you KNOW his actions are consistent over TIME. (I mean more than days or weeks).
    By the way, this applies to either gender and in romantic or non-romantic relationships.

    1. 78.1

      And a majority of the time, words mean nothing anyway. They may be spoken just to tell him or her what he/she thinks his/her significant other wants to hear, to pretty much appease. Or sadly, see if he or she can toy around with people’s heart and emotions by giving false hopes. Sometimes words are spoken to either woman or man just to hear oneself talk and see if he or she is naive or gullible enough to believe everything that is being said. In that case, this, in a sense, can basically be a more sophisticated way of calling a man or woman a dumb sucker without him or her realizing it. I don’t believe Nothing a man tells me the first time I meet him especially when he is a stranger. Any man that is already talking about marriage, sex, or anything related when I don’t even know him seems questionable. Not being paranoid, but that makes me wonder if he has an ulterior motive or hidden agenda behind why is he bringing up a serious topic so soon or being quick to jump in a relationship, not giving me or himself a chance to know and learn about each other.

  19. 79

    To those of you who feel a man (or woman) owes you an explanation as to why (s)he doesn’t want to go out with you anymore, when do you feel you are owed this explanation–after one date? two dates? five dates?

  20. 80

      It s not the explanation i d like to have .the reason why someone does not want to go out / have sex with you / anymore  is their reason , they are perfectly entitled to  have their own reason. How about the  manner and common courtesy and respect of other human being  and maturaty of saying : I will call you anymore . It is as easy as this .
    When you step on someone toes by mistake do you have the minimum courtesy to say to this person  that you are sorry or something similar.
    And @ yes men will always be men and yes we can not change what guys do so women have to change our  reaction to them = women have to change …
    I am ready to step up as a woman and try to change  but can men make a little effort too and try to change …
     I do think online totally change the nature of interaction with other human being  people it diminish the sense of reality that people have in their interaction with others  As we continually replace real life with  digita l interaction, what happens to the memories we build for ourselves and the people we serve? More and more, we don’t remember what actually happened to us, but what we’ve encountered digitally. But does it matter in the same way?  Hence more  more people do not even realize what it means to disappear , ignore , not talking to others …  Because it s  not real for then anymore

  21. 81

    @ Laura: you are on to something there and I fully agree…it’s not just about women ‘getting’ men and being more savy. I believe in this modern age, men and women view each other as more disposable due to the seeming ever amount of choices presented online. Men used to cherish and really court a woman.. what happened to those days?

    After experiencing the disappearing act first hand just recently with a guy I was dating to 3 going on 4 months who I really liked, and from reading these posts I feel a lot of empathy for all the women who have gone through the heartache, confusion, frustration, disappointment (shall I go on?)… and every possible negative emotion you can think of in response to having this happen. You can rationalize and mentally understand that you shouldn’t have gotten prematurely attached to a guy who made no concrete promises of being your boyfriend. And, when he disappears, you can recall all the times he showed he ‘wasn’t that into you’, and the times your gut said something wasn’t quite right… but then again, he also did several things that led you to believe he was serious about you. He told you you were special. He was consistent in the beginning of the relationship about his interest. And so, your heart had no choice but to believe him, even though the rational part of you told you you should remain cool, calm, and distant and not plan ahead. As a woman, you can’t help but become attached to a guy you like especially when he shows signs that he likes you back. It is all so confusing when the reality comes crashing down on you the week he doesn’t call/and disappears that in actuality you had way more feelings than he did. That you jumped the gun. And while Evan is right that you can’t change men, you can only learn as much as you can about what makes men tick so you can mentally prepare yourself when dating, I can’t help but mourn the modern state of dating and think that somehow we as a cohort of singles are causing unnecessary emotional harm to each other. 

    Not to bring sex into this, but I also think that women have ‘screwed themselves’ no pun intended, by having no-commital sex with men…  I believe if all women decided they wouldn’t have sex without committment, you would see people take dating way more seriously and this whole phenomenon of men disappearing out of the clear blue after weeks/months of dating would occur less. Of course, this is not going to magically happen anytime soon, but in an ideal world…

  22. 82

    @ Joe # 82.. that’s a good question. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be rejected after a first date with an explanation…Sometimes guys have texted me after a first date, after I texted them to say I had a good time, “sorry I didn’t feel the connection”. That hurts, because I basically complimented the guy, only for him to send me a nice little rejection.
    But if a guy asks me out after that point, it means that some sort of potential exists… that’s usually when I start to entertain the possibility that a relationship (if I also want it) is potentially in the works. Of course until about a month hits, I’m very cautiously optimistic. But still even as early as date 2, I’m investing somewhat emotionally in this guy as early and irrational as that sounds. I don’t think I’m unusual and different from a lot of women on this! So after date 2, if a guy’s not feeling it, I would prefer a tactful, respectful reply as to his desire not to continue. Some guys have said, ‘You are really a great person. But I’m looking for a certain type of woman, and you’re just not that type..” or “I just feel that we have a connection but it’s not strong enough that will develop into a relationship” that has been the least hurtful, because I have an explanation and yet he hasn’t made me feel badly about myself. But then again, if I got a slew of these types of rejection lines, maybe I wouldn’t like it! I don’t know… it is tough. I guess as a rule of thumb though the more you’ve dated a woman the more of an obligation I feel is owed to give an explanation

  23. 83

    Hi Evans, interesting article. Sorry english is not my first language.
    i kind of in same situation. I’ve been on dates with this guy about 6 weeks and everything went great. We met online, and i didn’t have any high expectations at all. The very first date, we seem clicked and we had so many things in common and he was a real gentleman. I have been on dates before, but this was one of the best dates I’ve ever been on. It was just instant attraction for both of us I thought. He lived 45 min away from my place, so he initiated all of the dates and picked my up every single dates and paid every single dates also too. He opened a door for me, made sure i wasn’t cold, rubbed my feet after long day and gave me massage and it was just so sweet. and the stuff he did for me was so sweet and i’ve never had any guy done these things for me before. in fact, he didn’t even kiss me until forth date, and he even asked me if he can kiss me which was super cute of him. He told me he haven’t dated much and he is shy and told him I am the same too. I went to his place many times and spent several nights, but we never been intimate. He respected my boundaries and never really pushed me into sex. The first night I spent night with him, we gave me his bed and he slept in his coach. Next day when i woke up, he made a breakfast. It was so sweet and I knew that i was falling for him. We just really enjoyed each other companies. He goes to school, so he is always busy and last time he texted me was on thursday and I didn’t respond his text and he texted me again on friday saying what up i wanna see you want me to pick me and get together at his place, even though, it was around 8 pm. so we hung out, it was cool and I spent a night there and we just cuddled. But I am a student here and my visa is soon expiring and i was kind of planning to go back to my country, but I wasn’t sure. Somehow along the line, I told him that i am leaving and he looked surprised, but asked me if i could extend my visa and i told him i could. Ever since that, I haven’t heard from him. I texted him asking everything is ok, he says he is busy with school and It has been two weeks. I don’t wanna be too obsessive and never really called, I only texted him once. I emailed him yesterday saying we had a good time and what’s going on and he haven’t replied me back. I know school is started and he is busy and he was saying that he so stressed out and trying go get a good grade and finish up soon. He goes to a very prestigious college and very competitive esp his major. we are in both mid twenties. I really like this guy a lot and I was kind of looking for long term. But if you really like someone you will text or call right. I don’t know. I am so stressed out and very hurt. My feeling is strong all i think is him. I really really like this guy. But if he’s not interested, at least let me know right. I sucks and it really hurt and I am crying literally everyday. 🙁

  24. 84

    I wouldn’t want an explanation after one date, or two, probably not three either (not experienced any letdowns after three dates though).
    It could be anything, he doesn’t like my accent, I look like his crazy ex, he met someone else, he got diagnosed with an STD, he got a promotion and is moving. What do I care? I don’t know the guy.
    PS I don’t do online so I haven’t had to go through a slew of these experiences. That might make me feel differently.

  25. 85

    Well I dated a guy I met online for pretty much a month. Before we had sex told him I did not want friends with benefits and for us not to date other people. He understood. All was good.
    I decided to go online that week. Thinking of deleting my online profile. Looked at his out off curiosity. Low and behold saw he was online the past 24 hrs. That site shows when a person was last online.
    I questioned him about it because we had agreed to not see other people. He said he had gone in there while bored at work and was just deleting kisses. Went on about how he never lied about not seeing anyone else while with me and if we don’t have trust we don’t have anything. I said I did trust him but just wanted to see if we were still on the same page. He was fine with things after that and acted normal again.
    The next week. Noticed I did not hear from him as much. Initiated dates and made plans with him twice. He was happy to see me and we still saw each other.
    After I then pulled back because I did not want to keep initiating and planning dates Through out the whole relationship to see if he would do anything. All I got was 2 texts which he initiated. Afterwards he became flakey after I asked him if he wanted to hang out again. Just once by the way.
    2 weeks later noticed I got nothing at all from him! No contact whatsoever.
    I thought we had sorted stuff out from before. Shrugs. But I guess he was obviously still lying about being online then.

    1. 85.1

      I’m sorry to have to break this to you Aussie, but it sounds to me like this is a relationship that should never have happened to begin with. You brought up being exclusive before he was ready to (one month is not long enough to decide on that). You were going to delete your profile before he was ready to. That was mistake number two. Number three, you asked him about why he was online. Number four, you had to initiate dates and you made the plans. It should have been obvious to you at that point – he just wasn’t into you enough and you pushed things farther than he was willing to go. That’s why he disappeared. Let the men come to you and you can be the one to decide whether you want to be with them, but you have to pace the relationship slowly.

  26. 86

    It could happen after a couple of dates… but how about when he has disappeared after dating consistently for five months? I’m starting to think that as we were hitting the 6-month milestone he panicked and instead of acting like a grown up and talking things through, he chose to disappear.
    Anyway… I’m not surprised anymore, but I still don’t like this Houdini act men pull…

  27. 87

    “Because a man can be really interested in you, sleep with you, act like a future boyfriend for a few weeks, and be doing the EXACT SAME THING with another woman simultaneously.” If so, how can I rely on your, I’m sorry, “theory”, of “looking at his actions”, Evan? When even his ACTIONS don’t prove anything? I think you contradict yourself here when saying looking at his actions can help to determine if he wants to be my boyfriend or not.
    (also: Few weeks is a long time! If he’s acting like a boyfriend FOR A FEW WEEKS how can I not be sure he IS my boyfriend?)
    And what exactly is a “sealed contract”? When he introduces me to his family? We we move together? 
    Sorry my English.

    1. 87.1

      A few weeks are nothing. They are not a long time in the dating world, and they are not a long time in a man’s mind.

  28. 88

    You know when he tells you you’re his girlfriend. I followed Evan’s plan with my last boyfriend and it went exactly how he said it would. After 5 weeks he just started calling me his girlfriend. It’s really that easy.

  29. 89

    Julia, when I said “actions” I’ve actually meant boyfriend behavior according to Evan’s “8 things a man should do to be called your boyfriend”, and they include him calling me his girlfriend…

  30. 90

    I had to smile when I read the scenario that Evan described because this is exactly what has just happened to me.  Except it wasn’t 2 or 3 great dates, it was 5! I understood why my date disappeared.  As our dating progressed I was clear I was looking for a monogamous committed relationship.  I thought that as he was a practising Christian he would understand.  However he vanished. Not very Christian like but I understood he certainly didn’t want a committed relationship with me!
    I totally agree with the advice. You have to align your expectations and reserve judgement because you have only met any date on a few occasions when he is seeking to impress. I harbour no ill will towards my Houdini as ultimately he was just too weak to speak to me honestly.  I urge others in a similar situation to not look back but forwards to the great guy who does deserve you.

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