Am I Selling Out For Not Dating Within My Race?

Dear Evan,

I just read your post on the difficulties that Asian men have in dating interracially. You don’t address racial dynamics much on your blog, but I have a question for you: I’m a very attractive, westernized Asian female in my early 30’s. Fun-loving, outgoing and attract all kinds of men easily. According to a number of studies and also, based on my own observations, most Asian women have a preference for white men over their own and aren’t likely to consider blacks or Hispanics.

To be blunt, I’m convinced most Asian women seek out white men because a) they are generally seen as more desirable catches by society b) they want their children to have as many advantages as possible in life – infusing some “European” blood in the mix will increase the odds that they will have more physiological advantages. However, I’m a little different: though I have dated white guys, I deliberately don’t gravitate towards them because I can’t let go of that Utopian ideal in which one day people truly will be “color blind.” As much as possible, I try to give the “other race” category more of a chance. I suppose it’s my own twisted way of trying to contribute to a more just world.

But, it’s a bit more complicated. I kinda feel guilty about the fact that I’m not attracted to Asian men. Dating white men makes me feel like a sell out! And so, I opt for “other.” Thus, in the end, I still haven’t escaped being prejudiced in some way. A truly open minded person wouldn’t discriminate the way I would. Anyways, here’s my problem: As I reflect on my dating history, I’m keenly aware of the fact that in my past I twice rejected white guys who were perfect complements for me (and handsome, to boot). The “other race” categories of guys that I had the hots for, all in some way had the same psychological issues that I had, and so what drew us together also pulled us apart.

I’m now in my 30’s and still single. White men love me. Just accept one and – ta-da- this grueling thing called dating will be over. They won’t understand me the way that a minority, “other race” person would, but they will probably be more devoted. But why do I feel so defeated in accepting this idea? It’s as if the gravitation pull of the natural dynamics of interracial dating is just too strong for my feeble attempts to want the world to be different than what it actually is. I am simplifying things here, but this is the gist of my issues. I’m sure there is a non white guy out there who could also be devoted to me, but, hey, the clock is ticking and I don’t have forever to wait for the perfect guy. Please Evan, give me the blunt truth on where my blind spots are.


Dear Lily,

A few years ago, I got a call from a journalist from an Israeli newspaper called Ha’aretz.

It wasn’t so much of an interview as an assault. It kind of went like this:

“What’s wrong with Jewish men?!”

“What’s wrong with Jewish men?! They’re screwing up an entire generation of our religion. They’re mamas boys with God complexes. And they refuse to settle down with nice Jewish girls. As a Jewish man, what do you think is wrong with Jewish men?”

To this highly biased and subjective question, I tried to give the most objective answer I could:

“I don’t entirely disagree with your assessment of Jewish men. But I think that the larger issue is that Jewish women are largely the same way. Highly intelligent, highly accomplished, highly demanding, highly unrealistic in their expectations. This creates friction when both the man and the woman have the same strengths and weaknesses. The only difference is that Jewish men are willing to sacrifice a Jewish wife in return for happiness. Jewish women are more likely to try to insist upon Jewish husbands.”

(For analysis of a different, but similar interview, please click here)

And it’s true. My six best friends from college are Jewish. My four male cousins are, too. NONE of us married Jewish women.

Not because we didn’t want to, per se. Hell, I was on JDate for nearly 10 years!

The reason I didn’t marry Jewish was simply this:

a) We make up 1.8% of the population.

b) We’re kind of difficult. And for a 40-year marriage, I wanted easy. Lots of others come to similar conclusions. In Judaism, the intermarriage rate is over 50%.

I’m not endorsing this necessarily. I’m just pointing out that the phenomenon is real and trying to draw logical conclusions from the statistics.

To parallel this to your situation, Lily: you want to stay within your race. I get that. I had a Chinese client in Los Angeles last year and an Indian woman in New Jersey who felt the same way. But they didn’t just want an “Asian” or “Indian” husband; they wanted a first generation-American whose parents were from the same exact caste/region as her parents. That narrows their opportunities considerably as you can imagine.

Life is about tradeoffs.

For some people, staying within the tribe is more important than anything.

They will marry one of the ten men in their city who qualify demographically and make the best of the situation. They may have to compromise on wit, kindness, looks, money, compatibility and 50 other things, but at least they’ll have little Jewish/Asian/Indian babies with 100% pure ethnic blood. That is their prerogative.

It’s the content of the character that matters most, not the color of the skin.

Folks like me, who have dated people of every race and religion, have come to the conclusion that it’s the content of the character that matters most, not the color of the skin. And while I may have been looking for a Jewish woman because it would be easier for her to understand me, I wasn’t willing to give up my Catholic girlfriend who turned out to be the greatest person I’ve ever known of any religion.

Many Jews would have given her up.

And a disproportionate number of them are still single.

As a dating coach, my loyalty is to YOUR happiness, Lily. I have no vested interest in keeping races pure for ideological reasons; only an interest in helping people find compatible partners.

If dating a man just like you NEVER seems to work and feels like putting a square peg in a round hole, I’d highly consider a relationship with someone slightly different, where the pieces might not look the same, but they fit together perfectly.

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  1. 91
    Katarina Phang

    Ok Lily, let’s make it clear here: it’s true people will MAINLY be attracted to the opposite sex with equal level of attractiveness (unless of course you’re a rock star…then no matter how ugly you are you can pick any super model you like).
    I’m open to any race as long as I find them attractive.  My last 3 relationships are with white guys, the last two are exceptionally handsome and masculine and tall (lucky me!), so yeah obviously I have something for (tall) white HANDSOME guys (ok well to be honest, throw me a handsome guy of any race any day, I’ll be happy).
    However, do I find most white people -men and women- attractive?  NO.  Hardly.  That’s why I find Stacy’s remark that white people are in general better looking than Asians and they’re better stick to their own race so not to stain their superior attractiveness is a total delusion of grandeur.  And as such it’s offensive.  But then again I perhaps don’t have a say in what people PERSONALLY find attractive or unattractive, so I digress…  But that’s my personal feeling on the matter.
    So very attractive Asian guys will only date very attractive women -white or otherwise- and since they are very attractive the probability for them to attract attractive (8 as you say) white females are far higher than most Asian guys (which is the same for white guys too: if they are not that attractive, they are unlikely to attract very attractive Asian women -the requirements are still the same, whatever race you are).  So, in that way you see more 10 Asian guys date 8 white women, it’s because they have that option, not because they are less attracted to equally attractive Asian female.  I bet they’ll have no problem to  date very beautiful Asian women if they happen to meet one (again, my Asian best buddy who is a sucker for blond is actually so smitten to a Chinese girl who is a model).
    Most people are average, so yeah most white guys who are attracted to you -and me- are average as most guys of any race.  Unless you are living a high society lifestyle in which you only mingle with creme de la creme (rock star, models, millionaires, actors), then don’t expect these people will find you that easily.  That really is the straightforward, most logical explanation to your “dilemma.”

  2. 92
    Katarina Phang

    Lily, personally I’m into guys with strong masculine traits like height, body size, etc…  That’s more easily found in white guys than Asian, that doesn’t mean however there are no Asian guys who look like that.  It’s just harder to find.
    Physical attraction is first then other things develop: there you infuse character, personality, personal achievements, ect… into the equation.  I can’t be with anyone from any race (that includes TONS of white guys) whom I’m not attracted to.
    So, no, having more good-looking kids isn’t my main concern, who I’m attracted to is and yes that eventually includes character, personality, morals, etc (all my lovers are decent human beings, it’s a MUST).  I won’t just settle with any white guy just because I want half-white kids!!  Hell no. (gasp)  I’d rather be with an Asian guy I’m crazy attracted to (and that’s possible believe it or not) than with any white dude.
    Sure, in the end, I agree with you, as I said most people of ANY RACE are average.  The stereotype of slender, soft skinned Asian women can easily be debunked too if you really want to.  It’s all generalization, though stereotype/generalization reflects a reality to some/a great extent (hence, the generalization that Asian guys are mostly slender, short, etc..)
    My problem with Stacy is not that she prefers to stay within her own race but the deluded belief that white people are generally more attractive than Asians and as such it’s a downgrade for them to marry Asians (and an upgrade to Asians to marry white), while the reality is an upgrade to BOTH in terms of the attractiveness of their offsprings.
    It’s her condescending way of saying “why can’t I stay within my own race so I can have better looking offsprings the way you want to marry us for the same purpose?” is very offensive and delusional because it’s not based on objective reality (as majority of people will agree, in this case).

  3. 93

    Katarina #93
    According to you, Asian women are exceptionally beautiful- but Asian men are not? Asian women are desirable and feminine, but Asian men are not desirable and not masculine? Would you not say that you are just affirming Stacey’s position? A mixed ( half asian/white) male would, in fact, be acquiring some of the positive physical traits that you are mentioning from the european side.
    Again, I have no problems with Stacey’s honesty. At least she is defending her own race. It is one thing for an Asian woman to want to be with a white man because he is a person of character, but to reiterate the common stereotype that they are more masculine, etc…than Asian men is just plain mean.
    Think about this from an Asian male’s perspective: which is more hurtful? the White woman who doesn’t want him because she wants her kids to look more like herself, or the the Asian woman who doesn’t want to date him because she wants her children to be more beautiful?
    Also, your point of view that Asian women are more beautiful comes from a narrow perspective as you are obviously comparing good looking Asians with not good looking white women.  There are plenty of ugly asian women with bad skin. A  lot of them may be slender, but they are also boyishly shaped and without womanly curves.  There are good looking/bad looking people across all racial groups.  Also, if Asian women are so beautiful, why are they one of the fastest growing demographics for plastic surgery?
    I’m glad you think so highly of your place in the dating totem pole, but please, don’t denigrate your own men on your climb to the top.

  4. 94

    Good discussion everyone.  Just wanted to throw in my 2 cents.  I’m a 30-year-old Asian woman who was born and (mostly) raised in North America and consider myself very Westernized.  I agree with some of the previous posts, in my experience, as an above average (in looks, personality, education) Asian woman in a North American metropolis, I had many guys interested in me and in turn I’ve dated a variety of men in the past.  I always thought I’d end up with an Asian guy who is very Westernized as well.  Turns out the man of my dreams was not Asian but an outgoing white guy (ok, I admit he is tall, dark and handsome!).  Yes, looks attracted me, but he also shared all of my values (regarding family, religion, money, education etc).  Yes, there are cultural and language barriers when dealing with certain older family members, but we do the best we can.  We are now engaged and looking forward to starting our family soon – hoping to have a few mixed beautiful “mutts”.  🙂
    Lily, I guess I just wanted to say that you can’t help who you click with – whichever race that may be for you.  There will be trade-offs likely but just follow your heart and be with the one who makes you laugh everyday.  Life is too short to care about what other people think.  Good luck in your search.

  5. 95
    Katarina Phang

    Lily, I don’t get what you’re saying.  You mean the position to think that marrying a white guy is an upgrade or a downgrade which is the politically correct one?  My position is certainly not based on political correctness, but my honest opinion based on objective reality.
    We’re attracted to whomever we’re attracted to.  We can’t help it for the most part.  You’re just overanalyzing things.  Love isn’t about logical analysis, it’s about what your heart says for the most part.
    What does your heart say?  Who are you attracted to, physically and emotionally?  So you’re not attracted to Asian men but you don’t say if you’re (not) attracted to white guys.  It seems to me you’re just trying to apply excessive logic and ideal to matter that mostly concerns the heart and emotions.  It sounds like you’re just trying all you can to deny your very own attracted-ness to white guys, that you are NOT dating white men for whatever utopian ideal you hold sacred.  That’s pretty strange to me.
    Follow your heart and to hell with “fairness,” “justice,” “equality”, and what not.  It’s about what you want/need, not about you changing the world.  Leave it to the Gandhis and MLKs of the world. 🙂  Color blind or not, it’s only one of the many issues you’re going to face in relationship and most likely it’s not the most important one so don’t get bogged down by non-issues.  Where you and I live, color isn’t really such a major issue.  Whoever thinks it is is stuck in the stone age.
    No, I still think Stacy is off the mark.  As a general rule, most white and asian are average looking.  The mixture between the two races is what makes the offsprings more desirable for 80-90% mixed marriages -compared to their respective pure blooded parents-, NOT the whiteness as Stacy and yourself tend to believe.  That’s hogwash.  If that’s true we’ll see how beautiful/handsome most white white people are which is not the case.
    Even the white guys I’m attracted to are not easy to find (maybe like 1 in 1000 at least?).  You can say in general I find white guys more attractive if you like but that doesn’t deny the point that most white (and asian or other race) are not attractive as per my personal standard of attractiveness.  And as for myself, I find many (again, not saying ALL) Asian women very attractive for reasons I cited above -that again perhaps contributes to the more feminine attributes to the Asian race (like soft skin) which is not quite conducive to the guys, unfortunately- and I can see why white and men in general of any race find them so too.

  6. 96

    Katerina Phang – you stated it perfectly, so I don’t need to. Especially your 2nd-to-last paragraph in #96.

    But really, people. This discussion is mostly taking place among people who clearly haven’t had children yet.  Believe it or not, when you do have kids, their attractiveness is not going to be the most important factor, not by a long shot.  Besides, you shouldn’t be thinking about marrying only for the purpose of what your kids will look like – good grief.  Then you’re treating your husband (or wife) basically as a tool.

  7. 97

    Your position is the politically correct one and Stacy’s is the one that is more in line with reality.  There are plenty of people in the world who feel that are marrying up when they marry white.  And there are plenty who don’t. Those whose views are not PC are just silenced.
    A lot of racially mixed children are beautiful, but most are just average.  There is  longing in all of us to want the world to be more fair. When we speak highly of the importance of  character and personality it really warms our hearts.  When we see a beautiful mixed race person, we want that to be an affirmation of the wonderful results that happen when we live in a color blind society. But the cold, hard truth is that most of us, consciously or not, will evaluate our potential mates’ value based on superficial traits to one degree or another.
    Let’s say a  black man states that he prefers delicate, lighter skin women, but unfortunately most women in his racial group don’t fit the bill, so therefore he is generally more attracted to white or asian women.  Could you not conclude then that he thinks white or Asian women are more beautiful?
    If an Asian woman states that she prefers big strong men, but unfortunately most men in her racial group don’t fit the bill, but a lot of white men do,  could you not conclude that she thinks white men are more attractive?
    I don’t think Stacy is being condescending.  She is just stating a truth that does exist and is confirmed by your preference for big, strong men.

    1. 97.1
      It's you

      It is not “the truth” that white men are the best and most desirable. Maybe it’s YOUR truth. But like all things in attraction and relationships, you only speak for yourself.

  8. 98

    Asiangal post #97 hit the nail on the head. She spoke about the personality of her man while the other posters really went on only about the physical attributes. Good on you Asiangal.

    When choosing a partner it is not always about looks but other important things like having shared values in terms of religion, money, education etc.

    Stacy #11, You have made some valid points. But I do think your post came over a bit condesending to a few of the readers. People of mixed heritage are not as socially excluded as you may think. Look at the number of mixed race people on the televison, they are a well sought after group.

    If you choose to exclusively date within your race, all power to you but just try and not put down another race to justify your dating preferences. I am reffering here to the last part of your #11 post where you mentioned Asian women as being submissive.

  9. 99

    I don’t think white men are a particularly attractive bunch. As I had originally stated in my question to Evan, I am more attracted to Black/Hispanic/Mixed men. So I agree with you that white does not equal better. However, white men are attracted to men in droves. Cant’ step out the door without tripping over some white dude wanting to ask me out. Maybe it’s simply the lack of challenge that’s making it unappealing.   Without dragging this out further, you are entitled to your opinion and Stacey is to hers. Whether or not your opinion is the objective one is debatable.  But I do have to admit that you did say one thing that does resonate with me : “Leave it to the Gandhis and MLKs of the world.”

  10. 100
    Katarina Phang

    Detha, obviously the personality match is assumed.  None of us will settle with anyone only based on looks.  We’re not talking about it only because we were focusing on physical attraction -which is the very subject of the discussion here- which is the basis for most modern relationship, without which there is no possibility for a sustainable relationship.  If you’re not into someone, there is no desire to find out about his/her character, personality, religion, etc.

  11. 101

    This post did take a turn in a direction perhaps unintended by the OP: to discussing the attractiveness of one’s children in racial contexts. Most of you (Goldie is an exception) don’t have children yet, so I’d like to offer some perspectives as a mom of miscegenous children:

    1. When you have children, you might be amazed at how LITTLE you care about their attractiveness. By far, the two most important things you will find yourself always caring about are: 1) their health, and 2) their intellectual development.  The only parents who constantly harp to me about their kids’ looks are fathers who worry that their teenage or 20-something daughters are TOO pretty, and thus attracting the wrong kind of attention (in their minds).

    2. Parents don’t worry about looks too much because they know looks don’t, ultimately, matter that much – not even in matters of romantic pursuit. At the time my husband proposed to me (11 years ago), I would rate myself a 4 and my elder sister an 8 in appearance.  My parents said that they always knew I’d get married first, because I had the more sparkly, happy personality; even though all our relatives acknowledged how beautiful my sister was.

    3. You will love your kids no matter how they look, no matter the color or softness of their skin, the texture of their hair, their facial features, or indeed their beauty or lack thereof.

    4. Though I’m open to most types of familial arrangements, I do think it’s an advantage to children to have two parents in the home (different OR same genders).  So if it’s important to you that your children are well cared-for, it’s much more important that you choose a spouse who is loyal, kind, and dependable; and will stay with you for a long time; rather than focusing on attractiveness.

  12. 102

    Helen @103,
    Thank you for pointing out that this post has taken on a course that was not intended. This issue is more than just about physical attraction. I just feel more understood by non white men, hence my greater attraction to them. Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than being appreciated for my mind. So when a white guy comes along and starts the usual drool about my “soft clear skin, youthful looks, feminine delicate appeal etc. etc..” it really does turn me off.
    I don’t have any particular theory that any racial group or certain racial mixes are more attractive physically than others and I’m certain I will love my children no matter how they look like. And I hope more people continue to date interracially. I’m simply observing that a lot of other people out there have preferences that are more Eurocentric. I’m not looking for a mate based on looks, but I’m looking for a certain connection.
    My problem was that I have given all kinds of guys a try and the ones most interested in me for marriage all happen to be white. Kind, decent men of character, but for whatever reason, I didn’t feel that strong connection. ( not “hot chemistry”, but just a strong pull toward that person. The guys that I have had a strong connection with- there were problem too-being too similar can have it’s challenges.  My question to Evan was, what to do? The gold standard answer was ” choose someone based on their character, doesn’t matter the package”. But I’m not so sure all dating dilemmas can be so easily dismissed.

  13. 103
    Katarina Phang

    Lily, if you’re not attracted to white men, then go for the “other” whom you’re attracted to.  Or better still, just be open to any guy regardless of race who comes to you and see how you match to them.  You’ll be surprised sometimes that some people do marry outside the race they deem desirable. (I used to know a blond Dutch who was into Asian girls who ended up marrying another blond).
    I just don’t understand why you think Stacy isn’t PC while others who disagree with her is PC, while you yourself in fact agree with my assertion that most white people are not attractive (like with any race) -and even worse, you’re not even attracted to white guys!!.
    Why does it bother you so much that white guys are attracted to you because of your natural feminine qualities (mind you every guy -or girl- I know from any race always compliments on how beautiful/soft my skin is)?  I think you should be grateful instead of being turned off. As for myself, I’m enjoying the adoration.  I thrive on it.  It makes me so happy in my own skin and that’s, as Helen said, soooo sexy!  It makes me so irresistible to so many guys, white or otherwise.
    And why does it bother you so much that many Asian women are eurocentric, while you yourself blatantly dismiss Asian guys as not attractive to you?  I think you think too much. 🙂
    Yeah this discussion has taken a pretty pedantic twist on how attractive one’s offsprings will be with the right mixture of genes simply because someone so adamantly purported, without any basis, that a mixture with Asian blood will dilute the attractiveness of her white tribe.  You and I have Asian fathers -and no white blood-, but we are so much in demand in the dating market, what does it tell her?

  14. 104

    From what I gathered from your original post, I understood it as you where worried about dating white guys (which I took it as you were attracted to them) because of what society perceives as more desireable. Is this not really an issue then if you’re not attracted to white guys in general?
    You are attracted to and connect to better with people of other races partly because of the similarities. There isn’t anything wrong with that. That is your personal boundary and it is up to you whether or not you want to push that or not. No answer is wrong. Let’s be real. No matter what race you are.. the majority of guys you will come across won’t meet your standards. Isn’t this what Evan talks about all the time? So you keep dating till you find someone. Since this is the reality of it, then isn’t the mismatch of white guys honing after you and the “other” guys not working out just part of the whole dating debacle? So I don’t see the need to be annoyed at white guys coming after you nor worried that sticking to “other” guys will end up badly because of too many similarities. You’re just still not meeting the right guys. That’s how I take it at least.

  15. 105
    Katarina Phang

    Luxe, precisely.  It’s really that simple, yet she makes it like rocket science. 🙂
    I’m reading it the way you do too: that she’s actually attracted to white guys but very conflicted/guilty about it because it makes her just like many other Asian women -a “sell out”-.  She wants to be attracted to Asian men but she is not. She even went on endorsing Stacy’s position with her bitter anti-Asian undertone (racist to others): Asian women “throwing themselves at white men” (we really don’t have to, they’re flocking to us as even Lily herself attests!) and men who are mainly attracted to them “are seeking submissive women.”
    It almost sounds like self-loathing to me the way she’s agreeing with Stacy so strongly (sorry, Lily).

  16. 106

    Lily and Katarina: I share Luxe’s viewpoint that it isn’t really about race. It’s about difficulties finding a compatible mate, which troubles everyone, not just minority groups. 

    More on that point: the comments Lily and Katarina are getting about their looks – have you ever stopped to think that it is because you are objectively beautiful, not because you are specifically Asian? And that you would hear compliments from guys even if you were a different race but with the same level of beauty?  After all, I’m Asian, get admired by white guys, and only hear those comments occasionally – because I’m not a beauty queen. 🙂 Instead, the comments I get are “smart,” “charming,” and “fun” – comments I’ve never associated specifically with being Asian.

    I think that race often only becomes a big deal if you make it a big deal. The more color-blind you are, including about yourself, the more you’ll project that image in everything you do and say; and the more others will pick up on your cue about how to behave around you. 

  17. 107

    I agree with others, Lily, that you are over thinking this! I understand, because I tend to over think things too. But I’m not quite sure I understand why you don’t just stick to what you prefer. I think we are all confused because in your OP you said that you give “other” races a chance as a way to contribute to the world, correct? That made it seem that you weren’t really attracted to them, just giving out ‘pity’ dates. But in your subsequent posts you say that you indeed are attracted to “others” more than whites or asians. In that case, why not just ignore the whites and asians you are not attracted to? I’m sure there are lots of guys of the “other” races that would be a great match for you! Stop complicating matters with guilt or worries about society.

  18. 108

    I really appreciate all the feedback and varying points of view, especially luxe @107.  I had started reading Evan’s post about a month ago and his answers always seem to point in the direction of “like the people who like you back”. Coupled with the fact that I just turned 31 and the family pressure is on…which got me thinking… why don’t I just accept one of those nice white guys who are always after me? If I found one that I was drawn to, then sure, why not, but thus so far I haven’t.
    Re Katarina’s comment that I was genuinely attracted to white guys, but feel guilty about it; I thought about this and I would say that this is not the case. If  a very attractive, westernized Asian male was to show interest in me, I would be interested, but unfortunately, this doesn’t happen much, so the chances are slim.  I happen to be physically attracted to buff men with darker skin. The White Man/Asian Woman combo is so common, that the ordinariness of it makes it seem so boring.  If the hordes of white men after me were subtracted from the equation, my situation would but just as Luxe describes- just dating and trying to find a fit.  Though I am conscious not to be too picky, as I am not getting any younger -but hey, with my lucky youthful Asian genes, I will certainly get a lot of mileage 🙂
    As Evan has stated earlier, he is not running a PC blog here. People should be free to express their point of view. Even if someone’s point of view differs from mine, I still appreciate the truth.

  19. 109

    As a black chick who has practically dated the rainbow (including Asian dudes), I agree with Evan when he says to choose the one who you like who likes you back.
    I’ve done the whole “date within the race to prove a point” thing. I’ve also done the “try to further world peace and tolerance through dating” thing. I’ve run from guys who seemed to fetishize me as their “Nubian Princess” while completely ignoring the heart and mind of woman beneath the chocolate skin, and I’ve been bored silly by guys who reminded me more of my second cousin than the man of my dreams. I don’t regret any of those relationships because they taught me some important life lessons that I would not have learned otherwise. Plus most of them were great kissers 😉
    Now I go for the guy who makes me feel good. The guy who makes me feel happy when I’m with him and happy when we’re apart. The guy who cherishes my heart as well as my physical attributes. The guy who keeps his word and honors his commitments. The guy who makes me feel safe and adored.  This guy could be any race or ethnicity, but I’ll never know until I give him a chance.
    So no, you’re not selling out. You’re investing in your future happiness. I wish you the best of luck and love!

  20. 110

    As an East Indian woman raised in the states, I can say I tried so long to find the “right Indian man”.   My friend suggested dating outside of your race, and …….voila! All of the qualities I was looking for in an Indian men were right there in a white man that I met.   I can confidently say my relationship with the white man I’m seeing is the healthiest I’ve been in. He cherishes me, respects me and treats me as an equal.

    Why should respecting yourself and being happy make you a sell-out?  I tried dating within my race, but I was unhappy and mistreated. No thanks. 

  21. 111

    BTW, I’m not saying that all white men treat their women as well.  I know there are good Indian men and not so good men in other races.

    But, a guy that makes me happy is standing right there in front of my face.  He just happens to be white. 

    1. 111.1

      Indian men marry more from stats

      1. 111.1.1

        Which stats by US census the Indians who were born in India and live in US ( mostly came for MS)  out marriage is 7% for men and 5% for women while for those born in US our marriage is 34% for women and 27% for men.

        1. yeahright

          wrong, go to Asian nation its weird to even consider Indians Asian, because they’re not Mongoloids, Indian women are the least likely to marry out, this trend is the same in Australia, the UK, and Canada, they’re only 1 million Indians in America and half of them are male, don’t drag Indians into your garbage, Indian men statistically cohabit and use white women for green cards also, they aren’t quiet and boring like Asian men, except for the Brahmin caste, the rest of the Indian racial groups have no problem, but even Brahmin men date out more than their women. I hate Mongoloids, they include Indians with their negative Asian stereotypes, but then consider Indians sh/tskin third worlders when comparing countries.

        2. nope

          The 5th generation Indian Men in the UK marry out twice as much as 5th generation Indian women and the 27% of Indian men in America who were raised there only shows the Indian men and white women percentage, the other 11% marry Hispanic and Asian women there, Indian men also marry Hispanic women twice more than vice versa, which means the men still marry out more than the females, its just that in America, they’re more races to choose from, in the UK, there is only white(British, Eastern European, Irish), so there is of course going to be less Indian men with Hispanic and Asian women in the UK than America.

  22. 112

    @Katarina Phang #87 – you are definitely spot on about mixed Asian-white kids becoming top models/MTV VJ’s/actresses in Asian countries due to their looks – hailing from a South East Asian country myself (now residing in Australia) you’d be surprised at the mixed race kids they have as VJ’s/DJ’s on MTV Asia back overseas.

    Having said that I married my husband (who is white and Australian of Greek descent with blond hair and hazel eyes and as European looking as they come) not because of his race or because I wanted to “infuse European blood” into our kids but due to our shared faith (we met through a Christian dating website) and similar outlook on life’s goals and shared values. Though I have seen young Asian immigrants here throwing themselves at older Caucasian men here in Australia – some with Australian men as old as their fathers – to get their green card, others because of the reasons the OP stated above.

  23. 113

    Complex issue, skimmed.
    But Stacy, you cannot control AF/WMs dating and call it them throwing themselves at “your “men. No matter how you judge–none of your business! And you think you can sway it by your hostility–haha.
    As for OP–you’ll find a shift towards being colorblind the longer you remain single.
    I used to wonder the same things–sexist Asians, Amerasian people were the best looking–don’t think so anymore, not attracted to certain cultures much–a lil shift there, and now, after dating Waspy types, I think, as an AF, and hearing a few racist statements come out, I might feel cut off from that culture too–there is a race blind spot with Caucasians.
    And age–I’ve shifted back and forth, used to think dating younger was a dead end but older men often have sexist ideas. My exes chose me and we did have a lot in common, but, they never asked for a commitment either and all of them got serious  with white women–I don’t get upset by that, as our relationships ran their course. I think culture comes into play the older I get.
    A few AM are attractive to me but they prefer non Asians too–which does not other me, as I was curious about differences too.
    Basically, I think it’s the person, race is not an issue.I have a certain type, whatever their hue. I still have a concern dating men of my ethnicity being related to me–they look like a relative, but other Asians attract me more because this is not the case.

  24. 114

    an Asian woman asking a white man for advice about only being attracted two white man.  Yeah, like we don’t already know the answer. 

  25. 115

    As an asian guy, I dont know how some of these ladies who have posted cant find so called “westernized asian males” and think that we prefer white females?? I have yet to meet an asian male that would turn away an attractive quality asian girl.
    I think some of the ladies that have posted maybe overrate themselves. On the other hand I meet plenty of asian ladies who only date white males. These woman in my experience will quickly turn away high quality man (be it asian, latino, black, etc), in favor of white man that is maybe just average (as judged by other woman, not me).

    I wouldn’t call these women “sell outs”, my view is do what makes you happy. But I do not empathized with their “plight” of be judged as “sell outs”. For what ever reason, at disproportionate amount of asian females have bought into this ideal of a “white prince charming” that will sweep them off their feet.

  26. 116

    Andy #118, as an Asian woman married to a white man but who dated men from multiple races before that, I can tell you it’s just a matter of statistics; not our trying to avoid or favor certain types. In fact, based on statistics alone, I disproportionately “favored” Asians, Blacks, and Hispanics; not whites, during my dating years.
    I looked up the statistics for my hometown. 95% Caucasian, 4% Black, 1% other races (including Hispanic, Asian, and Native American). In other words, Asians make up <1% of the population where I live - and where I live is surrounded by towns that are even more all-white.
    Don't assume that just because an Asian woman is with a white man, she is deliberately favoring whites. It's a matter of simple statistics: there are quite possibly 100 times more white men than Asian men in many parts of the US. If she were with an Asian man, THAT would be more of a statistical anomaly!
    In fact, couldn't one make the argument that it is racist to assume that an Asian woman MUST be with an Asian man, and vice versa? There are so few of each that it's extremely unlikely, based on probability, that such a match would occur by random assortment. We all know it's not perfectly random, but even then, the numbers are overwhelmingly in favor of one of them ending up with a white person.

  27. 117

    Asian women have hurt the asian community, and the many generations of all asians in the world. Thanks to your ignorant white cock sucking, our children will be in more danger of being mock, hurt, and humiliated by others. White people treat asian people like shit. And any asian girl who dates that sort of white guy (which is many of them) are just plain the worst sort of people. They hurt and steal from us and you willingly sellout. How will you pay for your sins against me and my people you twinkie.

  28. 118
    New York J

    I’m an Asian man and I think it’s sad that both Jews and Asians who only want to marry outside of their groups are basically saying that their fathers, mothers, brothers and sisters are not good enough for them.  I hope their relatives and friends will return that kind sentiment.

  29. 119

    To the Indian women that say Indian men are chauvinistic, have high expectations, etc, etc: LOL. Go on living in your delusional world. There are plenty of women, both in India and in other countries around the world, that are much more beautiful than the vast majority of westernized Indian women, that are not only willing to give Indian men a fair chance, but prefer them exclusively. It also happens that we are the richest, most educated group in the USA. More than Jews. (Who I love btw)

    1. 119.1

      Delusional world? Not every Indian man is chauvinistic, but I have seen some who refuse to allow their daughter to become a veterinarian because he didn’t want his daughter to become a dog doctor. I have experienced first hand, my father hitting me (and I had just graduated from college) to prevent me from leaving home in order to go to a grad school program. So yes, I’m a little wary of dating Indian men because I cannot and will not live in another home where the man is the head of the house (which is a typical Indian household mentality), and I have no say in my life decisions.

  30. 120

    I Google-searched this topic and came across this article.  Well-written and spoke to me. I’m having some inner turmoil on this too; my situation is somewhat different; I’m a Hispanic guy whose family originally hails from South America, to be specific.  Although I did have Hispanic friends as a kid, most of my close ones growing up happened to be non-Latino; this is due in part to being raised in a suburb where there weren’t too many Hispanic families.  As an adult, I have mostly dated Hispanic ladies, but these relationships ended going nowhere – they would soon part ways with me; I sure didn’t initiate this; I wanted to keep seeing them.  I have, in recent years, discovered that there are more “Americanized” Hispanic women of South American ancestry who strongly prefer to exclusively date white guys.  I have to admit that sometimes this ticked me off, especially since some appeared like potential compatible gfs and/or wives; we shared alot in common (I’m into alt rock music, all-American themes, college grad, working out, participating in road races, wine tastings, etc..) as well as possess that shared ethnic heritage from South America; I would’ve loved to cap a night with a fine Latina lass at a restaurant intaking a couple of pisco sours or glasses of Malbec wine.  I’ve noticed that a few of these women would literally boast about their white bfs or husbands, like they were deities and not regular human beings.  This “superiority” issue actually has its roots in Latin America and is transported here; not all Latinas think this way, but some sadly do; there’s a self-loathing courtship and mating expression in Spanish utilized among non-white Hispanics, which is “mejorar la raza”; it translates to “improve the race”; these women, who have these inferiority complex issues (the “I can never marry some indigenous looking guy; heck no; he has to look as European as possible, and after we get married, hopefully our kids will look like their father) subscribe to this phrase.  Most of these women tend to carry themselves with certain arrogance whenever they have to converse with male Hispanic colleagues at the office or other venues.  The ladies, among this self-loathing bunch, who really make my blood boil, are the ones that loudly talk about how “proud” they are of being Hispanic and how great their ethnic heritage is; wow, talk about hypocrisy.  They “love being Latina” but would scoff at the idea of entering a romantic relationship with a decent, college educated, white collar professional who happens to be a fellow Latino.  Shaking my head.  Some may point to the fear that Latino guys, no matter how Americanized, cling on to certain cultural aspects of machismo.  I for one can’t stand this very Old World concept and feel that each woman should aspire to pursue their goals in life; I’m pretty sure I will not look into blocking a future wife’s path to her career success.  I’m certain there are more Hispanic American males like me who can’t stand machismo attitudes either.  The odd thing is that I’m attracted to white women (I won’t lie) as well as Asian females and ladies whose ancestry originates from India and surrounding nations.  I have gone out with a couple of Asian ladies but nothing long lasting unfortunately materialized.  Many years ago, I asked out a white undergrad during my college years; I was turned down.  It’s weird – part of me thinks – wow, if I start asking out white women and maybe even develop good relationships, won’t I be considered a “sellout”?  At the same time, “my women” never wanted to develop anything long-term with me anyhow.  I’m definitely getting older and thought (when I was a kid) that I’d be married by now, with a great wife and kids.  I think I may have to consider expanding my dating options. Reading everyone’s comments here has been interesting, to say the least. Evan, thanks for sharing the insight you have as a Jewish male; I’ve noticed more and more Jewish males who enter inter-ethnic relationships, and yes, sometimes to the chagrin of older Jewish relatives.  Your words put this trend into perspective, culturally speaking, and clears things up for me.  I wasn’t sure why this was occuring since (I grew up with Jewish friends) it’s been my understanding that the Jewish community highly encourages their men to marry women of the same faith.  One of my friends actually met his wife through JDate; he did date women of other religions when he was single, but he had this steadfast focus on only marrying a lady of his faith which he did.

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