Does It Appear That I’m Playing Games If I Respond to A New Guy After a Couple of Days?

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I met a guy at a happy hour during the week. We had a great conversation and he gave me his card before he left. He asked me to text him that evening and said that he would text me back. I was interested and so I texted him later that evening at around 9pm. He did text back at 11pm and said “Hey Lynn!!! I had so much fun with you. You are awesome. I’ll be in your part of town tomorrow after work. I’d love to see you again.”

I responded the next morning because I was already sleeping by 11pm. I said I would like to see him but I had other plans. I asked to meet him next week after work. He said that would be great to let him know when. This was a Friday and I didn’t respond until Sunday night. I had to coordinate my weekday evening so I could give a day/time and I didn’t have that ready until Sunday. On Sunday night I told him I could meet him on Wednesday at 6:30pm. No response.

A male friend of mine said that it looks like I am playing games. That I should have met him, and I should try and contact him again and ask for another date.

I am not so sure about this for a few reasons:

    1. I think if this guy believes I am really “awesome” then he will go out with me when I am available.
    2. I don’t think this guy is that into me because he gave me his card instead of getting my number. He gave me opportunity to walk away and if you really liked someone as guy, why would you take the chance to not have her number?
    3. Last minute date that appears to be “convenient” for him because he’s in the neighborhood suggests someone who isn’t that interested in making an effort.

My question for you, Evan, is: Am I reading this situation accurately or is my friend correct? I don’t want to waste time with the wrong guys.

Lynn

As a Jewish atheist dating coach, I’m not sure I’m allowed to invoke Jesus, but what the hell:

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

It’s pretty much the only dating advice you ever need and the easiest way to answer any question.

You’re seeing a guy. You like him. You have a connection. You start texting. Things seem great. He disappears for two days while you’re waiting for a reply from him and acts like nothing’s wrong.

How do you feel, Lynn?

Probably pretty crappy. Relationships are all about communication, and, for some reason, nobody told this guy how to communicate. Instead of being silent for an entire weekend while you awaited his reply, he easily could have kept the conversation going.

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

He could have told you that he was checking his schedule for next week and would get back to you with an answer on Sunday. He could have then continued your conversation using various emojis and misspelled words, like most people do, so you’d communicate throughout the weekend until he got his answer. But nope: that was too much effort. You asked him for a time. He left you hanging without any response for an entire weekend.

So please, allow me to beat this semi-intentional game-playing mindset right out of you forever.

Treat people the way you want to be treated.

He calls you. Call him back. Immediately.
He texts you. Texts him back. Immediately.
He says he wants to see you. Reply to him. Immediately.

That’s what people do for people they care about — they are swift and considerate to respond. All of your points at the end of the email are just self-rationalizations.

    1. I think if this guy believes I am really “awesome” then he will go out with me when I am available.

Maybe. Maybe if he’s got no other options. Or is feeling a little needy. Or horny. Or smitten. But then again, he may just decide he wants a woman with good communication skills who is enthusiastic enough about him to reply to a short text in 72 hours.

    2. I don’t think this guy is that into me because he gave me his card instead of getting my number. He gave me opportunity to walk away and if you really liked someone as guy, why would you take the chance to not have her number?

Maybe. It’s more likely that he’s clueless and not particularly good at dating. Thus, giving you his card is more of an act of being feminine and wanting to put you in the driver’s seat, as opposed to a sign of disinterest. “If she’s interested, she’ll call me,” say beta males everywhere.

You not only have the appearance of playing games, but you think that other people are playing games, even when they’re not.

    3. Last minute date that appears to be “convenient” for him because he’s in the neighborhood suggests someone who isn’t that interested in making an effort.

Huh? He was in your neighborhood. He wanted to see if you could get together spontaneously. This isn’t a man who doesn’t want to make an effort. It is, on the other hand, a woman who is so knee-deep in some “Rules” bullshit that she can’t tell the difference between a nice guy and a game player.

Your guy friend is right. You not only have the appearance of playing games, but you think that other people are playing games, even when they’re not.

You’ve probably blown this one by now, but the next time a guy is enthusiastic about you, try being enthusiastic about him, too. It works wonders.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    John

    Caroline

    I totally agree that both parties would be wise to take responsibility. My main point is that Lynn said, ” I don’t want to waste time dating the wrong man.” Since you mentioned this is a blog that caters to women, I am giving you a view from the guy’s side. In your response, you were making suggestions of how the guy should have responded. That’s not reality. That is the ideal. How can you determine if a man is wrong for you if you dismiss him for making a small faux pas? If a woman’s philosophy is saving time, she will eliminate a man quickly who doesn’t do everything right in the guise of saving time. But ironically that strategy will give you a good chance if remaining single. I speak from experience. A year ago asked a woman out and she agreed. I saw her out in public a few times before our date and one time she saw me in my car. I had country music on my radio. When we were set to go out on a date. She said she changed her mind.   I asked her why. She said that she is not a fan of country music so we couldn’t be a match. That was a year ago. I saw her last week and asked her how her love life was going.   She said she was single. Of course she’s single. Because she rejects guys for silly reasons.   My friends have reported the same types of experiences. I could go on with other stories, but you get the idea. If you think this is an isolated incident, go read the Amazon reviews on Lori Gottlieb’s book ” Marry Him: The Case for Marry Mr. Good Enough.” There are tons of women who talk about how they dumped men for silly reasons and how the book saved them from dumping their current boyfriends for someone “better.” The author of the book could not take her own advice unfortunately. I feel like I’ve said all I can say. I wish you the best of luck on your dating journey Caroline.

  2. 22
    JD

    It’s amazing how much women expect to get away with things that they’d never tolerate from men.

  3. 23
    sonya

    I’m siding with Lynn on this one.

    Idk what is Evan’s definition of playing games is but I don’t consider any of the actions by both as game.

    Asking for a last minute date is not a game. It’s a last minute date. Giving out a number is giving out a number. If he is not open to dating someone  that followed his request to contact him when she gets a time and date then that’s what it means.

    He lost interest. That’s it.

    The only person playing a game here is her guy friend putting stupid ideas in her head.

  4. 24
    mel

    I had something similar, I’m hoping I made the right decision.

    A guy contacted my on a dating site, he was away at the time, but said he will get back to me to arrange a coffee meet-up when he came back in a week. I said “sure no probs”. He did get back to me and then said something like “meet next week?”, minimal discussion, that’s pretty much all he said. So I said “yep, that sounds good!” and then didn’t hear back for another five days telling me when he was free for the weekend! It was two day before the weekend, I filled up my weekend by then. So I felt he wasn’t really keen, so I said “Thanks but I have other commitments and all the best”.   He wrote back, asking for a second chance, but basically said his week had been filled with extracurricular activities and business. So I was like thinking to myself “Really? You didn’t have two minutes to spare during the week to tee up a time”. So I just said “no thanks”. I’m wondering if I was too harsh? But honestly if you are unable to communicate and tee up a time a day or so later then I am not so keen.

  5. 25
    Chad

    I believe I speak for many men out there when I say this.. When it comes to a woman like this, it doesn’t matter if she even looks like Tara Reid back in the 90s… What a headache… God I hate women like this, no common sense at all yet on paper probably an education and a decent job..

     

    Ohh he messaged me when he was in the area wanting to see me? “What kinda slut does he think I am?” Ooh he gave me his number instead of asking for mine.. This isn’t a beta male thing, I’ve been a bartender for many years. Over that time I befriended a girl or two … So this one is to the guy giving the advice. Giving a girl your number allowing her to contact you, is an excellent way to do it. Now if she doesn’t want to or doesn’t feel feel comfortable she doesn’t have to give a FAKE answer… If your that stuck up that you judge him for giving you his number… You deserve what you get.. Go for that extremely direct alpha male that WONT ever take no for an answer! Yeah that’s what happiness is all about!

    So this woman gets semi offended when even though he appears to like her he doesn’t wanna wait around for 72 hours for a response to a text? All the hail the thy queen! shit like this makes me wish I was gay

  6. 26
    A Man

    As men, we know you’ve got a bunch of guys orbiting you at any moment, and if we come off needy at all, we can be filtered out pretty quickly. It’s generally not a good idea for us to show an enormous amount of interest unless if you’ve shown us a lot first, unless if we feel a strong enough energy where we can kiss you or something… which isn’t going to happen over text.

     

    Also, the more you follow the Rules, the more game men are going to have to learn, and the more unpredictable we’ll become in order to adapt to you.

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