Can A Wandering Eye Strengthen Your Relationship?

A new study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology indicates that dating someone with a wandering eye isn’t necessarily such a bad thing. Pressuring them not to look might lead to more problems than actually allowing them to look.

Researchers found:

Just as people want jobs they cannot have, salaries they cannot earn, and cars they cannot afford, people may desire attractive alternatives more and desire their current relationship partner less when they are placed in situations that limit their ability to attend to attractive alternatives.

The study also concluded that people who were prevented from gazing at attractive members of the opposite sex were actually more likely to remember them, not less. Read the study here. Has a wandering eye affected your relationship? How did you handle it?

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  1. 31
    chris prophman

    if you reward honestly with punishment, your husband will never be honest.
    Guys have a problem with looking more so than women. there are reasons why this is true but not justification for doing it.
    first lets explain the reason so many men have this problem.
    1. during youth our culture encourages the lack of sexual self restraint in men, while at the same time discourages women.
    2. men are biologically designed to plant seed in many women so this sex hyper system has a tendency to get out of hand easily when allowed to.
    3. the sex drive chemical hormones that seperate men from women are higher in men than women and need more control.
    4. there are more women dressed sexually in the public than there are men to bait the eye.
    So how do we fix this?
    1. masturbation and sex spikes the testosterone which sex charges and feeds the brain addiction. so even though it lowers the liklyhood of prostate cancer, it throws gasoline on the flame. If you think only impure thoughts are capable with masturbation you are mistaken; musterbation and sex are the same thing.
    2. even hamburger commercials show sexual things to trigger the addiction so secular tv is a no go. you may not even be aware of the implanted suggestion. internet, secular movies. avoid public areas where secular dress is expected, because women dress has become so sensual most modest women dont realize how sexual they are to men and their affect. a bikini is legal underwear, do not think God will just judge the drug addict, the drug dealer is just as much to blame
    3. if you are not feeding the spirit in you, you are being fed by the world, because we live in the world. read the bible daily and pray daily.
    If you remember these three things your man will be able to maintain himself.

  2. 32
    Sparkling Emerald

    Chris Phropham – 31
      “avoid public areas where secular dress is expected, because women dress has become so sensual most modest women dont realize how sexual they are to men and their affect.”
      Not sure which country you live in, but in the US, which is where I’d say most of this blog readers live, “secular” dress is expected in most areas.  Also, not all of us are religious, and I prefer not to have my morality informed by a book that condones death by stoning for “impure” women, and that advocates  taking a wife by capture after a war, after killing off the little boys and the non-virginal women. Oh yeah, and forcing a rape victim to marry her rapist.  Not my idea of family values.

  3. 33
    chris prophman

    sparkling emerald
    Yes, I understand your reluctance to invest in moral text perscribed for a culture thousands of years ago. There is no need to defame the old test, most of us, including Christ pointed out the crudeness of their harsh times.
    I am however discussing the new test (which is Christ), which despite its time period, still holds value for this culture. Most of the people responding to this blog are having problems with their men because of the wandering eye; the new test is very different than the old and addresses issues that trouble us now.
    Christ spoke against looking at other women with lust.
    Christ said instead of eye for an eye, turn the other cheek
    Christ said love your enemies
    Christ said forgive everyone 
    Christ said to show you love him and whorship him, by loving others
    Christ said feed and clothe the poor
    Christ those who live by the sword die by the sword
    Christ said he who has not sinned cast the first stone
    Christ said be harmless as doves
    Christ said to only have one wife
    Christ said to give to those who ask or would barrow
    Christ said not to judge others
    Christ said if something causes you to sin cut it out from your life.
    Christ spoke against greed and the church hypocrites who perverted the church with it.
    Christ even rebuked beating servants when slavery was just part of political world.
    so which one of the things Christ said exactly bothered you so much that you believe it is not a good staple of morality?
    The way I see it you are using the faults of men with in the bible and time era, where war and slavery was an issue to excuse you from christ when he did not condone this. You are throwing the baby out with the bath water.
    In the bible, only Christ is the only example. He did not own slaves, fight in wars, rape or anything you judge him by. He did not come here and address everything we would address as far as politics and slavery, since his purpose here was not to make a perfect society but to inform people if they want to live forever after their bodies die they could.
    Those who accept his death as payment for their crimes against God by loving Christ will live forever.  
    Yes I live in the same country you live in but understand that men need a chance, to behave the way women want them to. The wandering eye is an addiction, fed at every turn. If you stop feeding the addiction, you can over come it. If you continue, you will never be able to.
    This addiction is a chemical addiction like any other. watching women, on internet, sex in movies, porn movies, sex on tv, girl magazines all feed this addiction.
    sex and Masturbation, sex charges a guy by spiking libido chemicals way way up. also the mental state invoked to gain a mans arousal also must tap into this area for the desired affect. although married people can not rule out sex, the more you feed this sexual addiction the greater the impulse will be to be drawn to anything related in nature. 
    women walk around today, near naked or suggestively so. A sex charge guy will not be able to resist. You can not compare a womens ability to refrain to a man because in most cases he is more sex charged due to daily masturbation, multiple times a day, sex fed media all day long, higher testosterone levels, and more eye bait due to womens attempt to solict attention from single hot guys.
    so we can level out the playing field with men and women buy reducing places you go to or at least stop feeding the addiction, with masturbation and sex media.
    I could not stop staring at women and would justify myself anyway I could.  once I stopped masturbating, and sex media, I feel peace going somewhere because the impulse is not there. It takes a while before it really kicks in but hey, It works. However bad your man is, I am far worse and this is the only thing that seems to be working for me. 
    So you see a problem, but you are unwilling to use the tools that have worked for others, because of prejudice formed by old test people.
    I am being honest with you now. I am telling you, your answer is in Christ. Cut off the fuel source and replace it with new test. If it can help me, it can help anyone. also be understanding during this transition, it can be very difficult at first.

  4. 34

    @Sparkling Emerald,
    It’s fascinating how people can cherry pick the only facts that buttress their preconceived bias. Perhaps you’ve never read the new testament. For a start, you should read John 8:2-11

  5. 35
    Sparkling Emerald

    Kyth – 34
       It’s fascinating how you are also cherry picking bible verses to buttress you bias also.
       I was raised religious, believed for a long while, when I got old enough to start forming my own opinions, I discovered that I didn’t believe the religious upbringing I was conditioned to believe in.  You aren’t going to convince me to believe again by throwing cherry picked bible verses at me.
      Neither will Chris P’s long winded lectures that if women would just pray and read the bible, their seed propogating men will magically stop looking at other women.

  6. 36

    #31, 33 wow interesting read. What about Apostle Paul though?
    Paul said that a woman should not speak in public, and if she has questions, she should ask her husband at home for an explanation
    Paul said that a woman must wear head covering as a symbol of man’s dominion over her
    Paul said that a slave should remain a slave and not want to be set free
    Paul said that it is preferable for people not to marry
    And this is just off the top of my head. There is so much more along the same lines in his epistles, that a good portion of modern-day church still lives by, as indicated by the advice you give in your posts.
    I will be the first to say that every one of us has his or her own spiritual path, and far it be from me to discourage others from following the path they’ve chosen. But I am honestly racking my brain trying to understand why you decided to proselytize on a dating/relationship blog. Especially considering that the absolute majority of the blog’s readers have already read, seen and heard everything you’re saying here. Some of them actually follow these teachings to some extent. Others don’t, and they have their own reasons why. Your longish posts aren’t going to change that.
    I am not going to comment on #31, because the mind boggles. I don’t have cable TV, I dress fairly modestly (though I will admit that I do not own a full-body bathing suit and never will), and I still find this post a combination of weird and insulting. I specifically liked the part about how men should shun something that they know prevents cancer, because it feeds the sex addiction(?). as someone whose close relatives have/had cancer, I’m honestly at a loss for words on that one.
    FTR, I notice attractive men, women, children, animals, and plants and encourage my partner to do the same. I look at it kind of the same way as Helene #28.

  7. 37
    Jim Ficher

    Women are worse than men when it comes to self-control. They just don’t have as much temptation.
    The same women complaining are the ones dressing like street walkers and still get upstaged by someone better looking.
    If men have to control their staring, women have to control their jealousy.
    Women like to cry all the time. Women have all this talk about being rude, but forget it’s rude to control people.
    Goldie has the right idea, If you feel like men are taking a dump on you, take a dump on yourself first before your man can, or help your man take a dump on you too lol
    And that Chris guy, Why would I want to have less sex or fun time with myself and watch less porn just to make my woman grow up and relax?

  8. 38

    Wow, it is interesting to see how divided the opinion on this subject is. I truly think it comes down to confidence and security with a person.  I have no problem with a guy in my life looking at others, as long as were open and have fun with it.  If you make it a serious issue, it becomes a secret they have to hide from you because men and women alike will look.  It does not mean you want to be with that other person more. 
      It may be my own opinion but if you get jealous or upset (not including the creepy guy staring) then maybe the relationship isn’t as strong as it could be. He/She should make you feel secure enough to know at the end of the day your the one they want to take home. 

  9. 39
    Vintage Candy Queen

    I have been dating a guy for nearly 5 months now and lately I have become a little frustrated with him always commenting on other women, this wouldn’t have bothered me as much if I was amongst those receiving the comments, compliments and stares but I am hardly ever complimented.


    I am not the insecure type nor the jealous kind normally but it actually is just offputting.


    I have had cancer and due to that I have scars that make me feel a little self conscious and with him paying so much attention to other women as apposed to me is really hurting me.  

    He has been through 3 failed marriages so he doesn’t want to get married again.  In a way I understand where he is coming from but I feel done in.


    He tells me how hot the ladies at his company is and how his ex wife told him that she wouldn’t have been very comfortable about it had they still been together… This makes me think that he is constantly on the look out for someone new and that he will never really allow me into his life.

    I love him and would do anything for him…

    I don’t think he feels the same way about me…

    If I had to tell him how I feel he would probably tell me it’s not him but something inside me that makes me feel like this…

  10. 40

    This is BULLSHIT!!! Must of written by a male!! True love= loyalty !!I love my husband with all my heart. I never have the heart, mind and soul to desire or admire any others men ever. When you find your soulmate, there’s no other that you want.  No one can catch your attention. Those guys or just straight up asshole and jackasses!!!

  11. 41

    No, it cannot strengthen the relationship for both.  In my case my boyfriend of 3 years has had a wandering eye this whole time and while I understand the need to look at others occasionally or glance, he does it for extended periods of time and he’s completely unapologetic for it.  It causes many fights and this is why sometimes I dread going out with him because I already know.  I don’t know why I stick around and tolerate him, maybe because I’m afraid to be alone but I am more attractive than he is anyway so he should be careful because I have more options than him, but I choose not to exercise them.  So while it may strengthen the relationship for one partner (being him), it is actually weakening my sexual desire and commitment toward him, I think well if he’s going to look than its ok for me to go out and do what I want at some point

    1. 41.1

      That’s how I am starting to feel – like it’s not enjoyable to go out anymore, even when I’m dressed to the nines, I’m beginning to feel that my looks or who I am to him just isn’t enough.  And my desire and commitment to him is beginning to die.  I’ve been on many dates, and a few serious relationships, you can definitely get the feeling/intuition when someone just notices another female because they’re within a few feet of them and there’s no feeling of (my goodness, what is he like when I’m not around? Insecure feeling) or when the stares are a little too long.

  12. 42

    Women will never truly understand what chemicals flow in a man’s brain until they experience it themselves (which will never happen) – hell, we need better understanding ourselves. We can’t control it without this understanding and this type of “behavior modification” needs to start early, and we just don’t teach it to men in our society (or boys, where it really needs to start). Face it, if women don’t ogle men naturally, because of less ogling-causing hormones than what men have, then women are afraid to ogle men – either because of the unwanted attention they will get right back, or because of the slut-shaming that comes with it. I believe that this does cause problems in our society, not only in relationships, but in general when men allow themselves to get so jacked up with this ogling/porn watching/beer commercial consumption/yoga pants staring that they feel the need to take action … that’s when the real problems start IMO

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