What You Can Learn From a Real-Life “He’s Just Not That Into You” Situation

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I am 41, divorced with two kids. Three months ago, I met someone, 38, no kids, never been married. We exchanged phone numbers, went out a couple times and ended up having sex on our second date. He has always been upfront with me about not wanting a serious relationship, which I agreed to because frankly, even though I’ve been divorced for two years I don’t feel that I’m ready for that either. He is the first guy that I’ve dated, let alone had sex with, since the divorce. Things seemed to be going pretty well, we were seeing each other a couple times a week, had a few incidents where I did things he didn’t like, one time I went to his house unannounced and he told me to never do that again. So we’ve had a few conversations about honesty, and about what each of us wants this relationship to be. I thought we came to an agreement, he told me he has gone out with other women since I came along and that he wouldn’t mind if I dated other people. He says he hasn’t had sex with anyone else, and if he did he would tell me and break it off with me. And he would expect me to do the same.

The last time I saw him was on a Wednesday almost two weeks ago, I called him the following Saturday at 10 p.m. and he was at a party, said he would call me later. Well, he did call at 4 a.m. and left me a voicemail saying he was sorry he didn’t call earlier, that he would’ve invited me but I wouldn’t have had any fun because it was mostly a bunch of guys.

So on Monday I sent him a text asking what he was doing, and he never responded. By Thursday (a week since I’d seen him last) he still hadn’t called so I called him and he did the ‘answer the phone and hang it up to make it look like a dropped call’ game twice before he finally answered the third time. When he did answer he was pretty rude, said I read too much into things, that he’s been busy and that’s the only reason he hasn’t called me. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I told him that he could’ve at least had the courtesy to take two minutes out of his suddenly busy life to call me to say he wouldn’t be available due to being busy. (I don’t know what is keeping him busy, he never elaborated.) He did agree that he was pretty inconsiderate of my feelings, but never said anything about calling me again or anything. The conversation ended with me telling him to give me a call when he could find the time.

All I ask for is a little honesty, if he doesn’t want to see me anymore for whatever reason, just be a man and end it with a little dignity. Is that too much to ask? It’s not like we had only gone out a couple times, we spent a fair amount of time with each other and I thought that if anything else, he would always be a friend. But now I feel like I have to try to avoid him, I told my friend that if he shows up at the bar when we’re there I will leave, she says I need to just hold my head up and pretend I’m not hurt if I do see him. I guess I just want a little insight into the mind of a 38-year-old man that behaves like a high school kid. It is really frustrating, a setback to the confidence and self esteem that I did have before I met him, which wasn’t much to begin with. I see now that he was only using me for sex, that he either met someone else or is just done with me. I would be curious to know how many other women my age have been in situations like this. It makes me want to just give up on men altogether.

Charlene

Dear Charlene,

Don’t give up on men. But please, for your own sake, read this very closely. Maybe print it up and put it on your bathroom mirror, where you can practice smiling in spite of what you’re about to hear.

Ready?

Okay.

He’s just not that into you.

But you already knew that. So let me continue with something that might not be as obvious….

Men do what they want. Unless they have a gun to their head or are trapped under a fallen boulder, they’re going to call you if they want to call you, and treat you well if they want to treat you well, and commit to you if they want to commit to you. This is the entire premise of He’s Just Not That Into You in 50 words.

Thus, if a man is not treating you the way you want to be treated, you have two choices — stay or go.

But you refuse to go. Instead, you stay and complain about how poorly you’re being treated.

Yet you realize that no one can treat you in any way that you don’t allow yourself to be treated.

Dump the guy and he can’t treat you any way.

Stay with him and he can treat you how he’s treating you. Trying to convince him to call you more, care about you more, and see you more is a futile endeavor. You can see this.

And thus, Charlene, despite your good intentions and big heart, you’re a classic enabler.

You allow him to walk on you and then act surprised when he walks on you.

So here’s what I want you to understand:

He WAS honest with you. You are the one who is not being honest with herself.

Sorry if that sounds like a bit of a verbal bitchslap, but the truth hurts.

He TOLD you that he didn’t want a relationship. He TOLD you he was seeing other people. He TOLD you not to come over unannounced, and, in not calling for two weeks, he pretty much TOLD you he wasn’t interested. You could quibble that it would have been nice for him to call you, or maybe write you a note on letterhead, officially establishing his lack of interest. But is that really necessary? In what culture is “ignoring someone for two weeks” a sign of passion?

As to how you’re not being honest with yourself…at the beginning of your question, you wrote that you don’t want a serious relationship. And so what did you do? You got attached, you called him, you texted him, you surprised him at his place, you started getting angry when he didn’t invite you out. Doesn’t exactly sound like the behavior of a woman who is happy as a casual dater, does it? Sounds to me like a woman who has feelings, in spite of the fact that she doesn’t want to have feelings.

You know who sounds like the honest casual dater? Him.

For the record, I don’t think what he’s doing is cool. A very simple conversation could have saved you a lot of pain. But people don’t care about others’ pain as much as they care about their own pleasure. Which is why he’d rather avoid the uncomfortable break-up conversation and keep texting you at 11pm to ask if he can come over to sleep with you. Asking him to give up this privilege of having a sexual relationship without making any effort is foolish. It would be like expecting a homeless man to give back a $20 bill he found on the street.

Listen, Charlene, your last paragraph smacks of passive victimhood. And all I’m trying to do here is smack you out of it. So please don’t get angry with me for merely stating what everyone else can see. Get angry at yourself for allowing this jackass to treat you like crap – and vow to never let it happen again.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    jean

    why don’t women start to think more like men…..

    “I’m just not that IN to HIM” and move on as quickly as it started.

  2. 22
    Kari

    How shall I put this? I’m fed up with references to “He’s just not that into you…” Women aren’t that difficult to break up with, we want you to say you’re done if you’re done so we can move on. Men on the other hand do the dance of interest (replete with feather headdress) to attract a woman then freeze them out instead of simply telling them it’s over. So for all the men out there if you aren’t interested, say so. Let’s face it, if you are trying to use someone for sex, you could just find someone who only wants sex. If you trail after women who want more, don’t be so surprised when they want more than sex. It’s not just a “woman thing” to expect something out of a relationship, so if you’re not interested don’t waffle around hoping your girl will just disappear, just tell her you’re not interested. While you may have a scene where she tells you off for whatever, but it’ll be over with less drama and pain for all concerned.

    1. 22.1
      Dina Strange

      They don’t want to pay money to prostitutes, and for some its just their ego. They rather have sex with someone who “likes” them, even though it means lying to them.

      But i agree with everything you wrote. It would be nice if men explained their reasons. But if he doesn’t, you know you just dodged a major non-communicator, and good for you.

      1. 22.1.1
        angel

        Exactly. I think sometimes that for *some men, they recognize that they can open a free profile and find willing women that they only have to spend $20 on at a local chain restaurant, who will likely offer them regular sex at a lesser cost vs. a prostitute. Honestly, I can’t even fault them for it when they’re very up front about it and have willing participants. I also think that a man who has disclosed a casual mindset to a willing participant, will technology tether them (with occasional calls/texts/messages) to keep them interested should they want to put them back into rotation. Stressing *some men.. it’s important to listen very carefully to what they’re saying and to their actions, which makes forums and content like Evan’s so helpful to inform and remind women that if a man is saying he’s not looking for anything meaningful or serious, you’d better believe him if you are!

    2. 22.2
      Janie

      I think sometimes there’s also an element of wanting to leave us as an option for more sex later on. So they don’t want to eliminate that possibility by officially breaking it off/saying they’re not interested. However, we women usually want the involvement to end cleanly so we can deal with it and move on, because we’ve developed *at least a little bit* of emotion for them. Whereas some guys (usually younger ones with raging hormones) even go so far as to think, once they’ve hit that, so to speak, they’ll always have some sort of rights.
      Sorry if I anger anyone, but I know that fortunately not all men are like this.

    3. 22.3
      Edi

      Wow!!! spot on comment, I agree with you!

    4. 22.4
      Marie Laveaux

      Having dated a guy who was giving me all the ‘wrong’ signals when we had date no. 2, like, where would you want to live?   Could you live on my boat like I do?   How do you like the idea of living on my boat?   We’re so compatible.   You’re just the perfect woman for me.   Then you have sex – and it is great sex – and then you find out that all the words were just that:   words.   And, after an all night of great sex, he finally tells me:   “I’m just not that into you”.    I was totally thrown off guard.    I called him on the misleading behavior and ‘baiting’ me with the indication that he was actually asking me about living arrangements.   I’m 65 and he is 64.   I’m financially stable and he is still working (but can retire when he wants to).   At this age I told him that he needs to be aware of his behavior and to not lead someone on.   He took responsibility for his actions.   Said he would watch that behavior in the future with other women.   So, in my book I scored a ‘WIN’ on communcating to a guy whose ego was just leading him on and giving the wrong impression right from the start.   I felt a great sense of accomplishment by calling him on his behavior.   He said he learned and whether he heeds my advice or not, I stood up for myself and called him on how he treated me.

      On a funnier note, we came up with the idea of handing out a ‘card’ – half serious, half joking – an actual card that says:

      ****************************THE CARD***********************************

      Dear ____________(name of person)

      Even though we had (fill in the blank) i.e., a great dinner, sex, shared a lot of intimate thoughts and it is only our _________(fill in the blank here….first, second, third date), you do need to know that “I’m just not that into you”.    From this point on, your decision to not see me again or to remain in contact is totally up to you.    I am giving you this card because it seems that even when I tell a _________(fill in the blank) woman or man “I’m just not that into you”…..they don’t actually HEAR IT.   So, here it is in writing, believe it.

      Sincerely,

       

      ________________(Your signature)

      *************************************************************************

      This way for the men who are unable or unwilling to repeat what they told a woman or man right off the bat – I’m just not that into you – and the woman or man just doesn’t understand or want to believe it, the card says it all.

      The only big rule is you can’t just slip this in their pocket as they are leaving your place or their purse, you must HAND IT TO THEM IN PERSON.

      This all started as a satirical joke, but now I think it may be a good idea.

  3. 23
    hunter

    to Kari,

    …..some women think they can handle the, ‘I want sex only,’ approximately, 90 days into the relationship, some women want more…

  4. 24
    verbosity

    You know, reading this I am reminded of the stories ladies tell about the ‘nice guy’ pursuing her…He’s trying too hard, he’s a wimp, not interested because of it. Interesting.

    That said, both sexes need to realize the reality…most people prefer to avoid conflict in dating. Therefore, If a man or woman is interested, they will ACTIVELY contact the other, trying to see them. If the man or woman is not interested, he/she will not call, or will call a few days later with some lame excuse, but not trying to see the person they are calling. And why this passive aggressive (arguably deceptive) behavior? No one wants to be the bad guy/girl and drop the hammer on the other. The whys are varied. Simply put, this is the reality.

    With this reality in mind, here are some guidelines…

    If he/she doesn’t call back within 24 hours, drop ’em. It isn’t much effort to leave a VM to say you are buried, want to talk but can’t till tomorrow.

    If their primary method of communication is text/email, drop ’em. My experience is if someone of either sex wants to be with you, they make the effort to talk. In other words, you don’t matter enough to them to merit calls and actually interacting. Drop ’em.

    The basic premise behind the above is that people who genuine like and care about you will make an effort to talk to you, see you, and actively show you their affections. Therefore, if you do not receive the effort (from either sex), walk. Don’t worry, there will be another man/woman along in 10 minutes. Always is.

    1. 24.1
      Eva

      I’m 100% in agreement with what you just said! If, someone doesn’t call, they aren’t interested, period.

    2. 24.2
      JennLee

      Agree completely. The truth is that it our own fault if we allow ourselves to be led on. We do it willingly, because we only do it for somebody who we think is too special to close the book on. So we make excuses for them, and accept their lame excuses. If we have a more special guy we think we can get with, we will be less forgiving, and make them commit or get lost, so we can pursue the more special guy.

      But let’s stop kidding ourselves. We women do this just as much as men do. We have 3 guys very interested in us, and we rank them, then try to get the top guy to commit. Meanwhile, we keep the other two waiting, but we don’t “drop the hammer on them,” because we want them around in case the top guy flakes out on us. And while we do this, more often than not, the #@ or #3 guy wants a commitment. One we are not ready to give unless the better guy or guys show no promise for a solid future together. But often they do, and that lower tired guy ends feeling just like this. He made his intentions clear, and asked for a commitment, or made it known that he wanted a serious relationship. When we finally tell him we can’t give it to him, he wonders why we didn’t just tell him that before he spent all of that time pursuing us. So the truth is, if he is not actively trying to get you to commit, he doesn’t think you are that special. Oh, he doesn’t want you to give up on him altogether. No, he wants to keep you on standby in case the woman he thinks is special doesn’t commit. We really do have to decide what we want. Do we want the guy who is so special, that he likely won’t see us as special, or when the honeymoon is over, he will start bedding other women, like Tiger Woods? Or do we want a woman who thinks the sun and moon rises and sets in our eyes. These are two separate groups of men, and as much as we want some to be in both categories, the almost never are.

      When you drop money on the lottery and lose, do you get mad at the lottery, or do you get mad at yourself for even thinking you had a chance to win? Aren’t you actually mad at yourself for not spending that money on something worth while?

      1. 24.2.1
        Tom10

        @ JennLee #24.2
        “Do we want the guy who is so special, that he likely won’t see us as special, or when the honeymoon is over, he will start bedding other women, like Tiger Woods? Or do we want a woman who thinks the sun and moon rises and sets in our eyes”

        Nice analysis Jenn; I see dating the same way. So which choice are you going to make? As I/men face the same predicament. To date up or date down, that is the question.

    3. 24.3
      Kathy

      love your reply

  5. 25
    hunter

    to verbosity,

    “Don’t worry there will be another man/woman along in 10 minutes, always is.”…..You must be very attractive….us regular, plain, average, people, we fantasize about meeting someone new, every 10 minutes….

  6. 26
    DeAngelo

    This is a case of not so much is it a crappy guy ,but she made a crappy decision short term decision expecting long term results. Then whats so sad you will have women like her going out spreading toxic information saying hte men are dogs and blah blah blah but all the red flags were there in the beginning, she just chose to ignore them. Now her feelings are hurt.

  7. 27
    Charlene

    To DeAngelo
    I am the person who wrote the letter to Evan. I have been “lurking” on this blog since then, and have learned alot about myself just by reading all the different posts. I can relate to many of the issues. I don’t know what type of woman you think I am from reading about one issue I had with one person, but I can guarantee that I am not spreading nor did i ever spread toxic information about the person I was writing about, and I guess you could assume from the last part of what I wrote (that I’m about to just give up on men altogether), that I continue to think all men are dogs, which I don’t. Obviously I was very frustrated at the time I wrote, and mostly just venting.

    For the record, he did call me back about six weeks after he told me he was getting back with an ex girlfriend. I did start seeing him again and we were together up until about two weeks ago. When I have time I will write about that and what has happened since then.

    1. 27.1
      Cindy

      What? I thought you said you weren’t going to do that? LOL.

  8. 28
    Aimee

    I want to add to Sanya’s comment about sleeping with a guy on the second date. The virgin/whore dichotomy – that women are either respectable and relationship-worthy (virgins) or easy and untrustworthy (whores) – is something that all men have built into their DNA. Some see it in a black and white way, and some do not, but all men categorize women into these two categories to some extent, consciously or not.

    If you sleep with him easily, he assumes you sleep with everyone easily, and doesn’t see you as relationship material. And so even if you *feel* like having sex with him, you have to hold off. But you only want casual sex anyway? You don’t want a relationship? Fine. Hold out for 6-8 weeks and then start a casual relationship with him. He will have the potential to become a boyfriend because he doesn’t see you as trashy, and YOU can make the choice to keep him at a casual level if that’s what you want. Your dating karma and your self-respect are preserved.

    You will never, ever have that choice if you sleep with him too soon. It goes back to what Evan says about too much “being yourself”… if it isn’t working for you, you have to change it. It’s not about fair or not fair, it’s about cause and effect. You feel bad about yourself? Pretend you think you’re great. Be an actress – emulate someone you know who has great confidence. Fake it till you make it. You *are* a slut deep down inside? Me too, girl, you have NO idea. But no man gets the benefit of my unleashed inner slut unless I’m in a relationship with him – a committed relationship in which he’s in love with me. Until then I bat my eyes at any sexual advances and say, “I barely know you, that isn’t something I do with just anyone!”

    Men are formulaic. Follow the formula, and you will get the desired result.

    Aimee

  9. 29
    Rachel

    NO JUDGMENT HERE, but if a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, take that at face value. Men are pretty simple, that way. And if he gives mixed signals, don’t take it as a sign of commitment. It is a fact that women tend to get emotionally attached once they have sex, but guys don’t. Most of the time. (We won’t cover the subject of cougars, here). Therefore, getting intimate right off the bat will more often than not end in heartbreak. The guy was just following his biological imperative to spread the seed (and you let him), but the woman was following her biological imperative to nest (and he didn’t let you). That being said: I have had two long relationships (several years long) which started with very early intimacy, so rules can be broken. The difference, though, is that the guy made clear early on that he wanted to be serious and manogamous.

  10. 30
    Barbie

    This site has been an eye-opener for me. My situation is almost identical to Charlenes. I can see now that I hotly pursued the last two men I have had relationships with. Both gave me “The Speech” – about not wanting a commitment. Guess what? I did not listen. I thought that if I lured them with sex, and saw them frequently, spending time together would turn him around. Well, it does not work. I married the commitment-phobic. The 32-yr old bachelor with his own house and nice lifestyle. We are both unhappy. He is distant and still behaves in his single-day ways. He is happy to do chores around the house, but emotionally he is NOT THAT INTO ME!!! We are two strangers living together. Ladies. Please read what Evan has to say. Its hard. Its the truth. He is not saying it will never happen to you. He is saying that the right guy will always be there. He will prove it to you by spending more and more time together – not less and less. If you have to chase him, is it worth it?
    Thank you Evan, your words have been unbelievably helpful. I now see what I am doing wrong. Taking the wrong guy and trying to make it right. If its right, it will happen. Time for me to move on!

  11. 31
    Letta

    I am so sick of that “he’s just not that into you” trendy saying.  People don’t want to hear that – that is obvious.  We want to know what we can do to get them to be into us or what we are doing wrong to keep them from being into us.  Stop with the stupid, sophmoric “in style” phrases and give us some advice we can USE!

  12. 32
    realitycheck

    Reality check:
    He’s a COWARD.  A sad sack, inconsiderate, passive-aggressive coward. And as a society, we give men (and women when the shoe is on the other foot) a sorry ass excuse for being rude by saying “He’s just not into you”  so it’s ok if he doesn’t have the social fortitude to pull his special, delicate, cowardly head out of his rear and simply say he’d like to excuse him self from any further relationship. Pathetic.

    1. 32.1
      Maria Hill

      I totally agree. It’s fair for both sexes, girls or guys to not be “into” someone. That’s just part of dating…and even in marriages. But having a healthy discussion to end things would help ease a lot of unnecessary pain and heartache. While they might not have truly like you in the first place, once certain bond has formed a simple discussion could help both parties get closure and move on. I am sure in Charlene’s case she can stop wondering, calling and texting if he’s just up front and tell her it’s over.

  13. 33
    Karl R

    realitycheck said: (#33)
    “we give men (and women when the shoe is on the other foot) a sorry ass excuse for being rude by saying ‘He’s just not into you’  so it’s ok if he doesn’t have the social fortitude to pull his special, delicate, cowardly head out of his rear and simply say he’d like to excuse him self from any further relationship.”

    Nobody said his rudeness was okay.

    I think it would be more polite if he did what I did the last time I decided I wasn’t interested in a serious relationship with a woman.

    1. When I decided that I wasn’t interested in a serious relationship, I immediately told her that the relationship wasn’t going to go anywhere in the long-term, but I enjoyed her company in the short-term.

    2. I reiterated this a couple of times as we continued to date, to be certain she wasn’t operating under some delusion that I had changed my mind.

    3. When I met someone that I was interested in dating long-term, I let her know and broke the relationship off.

    But Charlene’s boyfriend didn’t write asking how he could become a more courteous dater. Therefore, Evan’s advice was directed at Charlene, not her ex-boyfriend.

    Letta said: (#32)
    “We want to know what we can do to get them to be into us or what we are doing wrong to keep them from being into us.  Stop with the stupid, sophmoric ‘in style’ phrases and give us some advice we can USE!”

    I doubt you’re the woman that I wasn’t into. But I’ll explain why I wasn’t into her, so you can determine how useful that advice would have been.

    This woman was younger than me, and was substantially less mature than the other woman her age I’d dated. She was above average intelligence, but not close enough to my level for me to truly see her as my equal.

    What would you recommend that this woman do so I would be “into her”?

    In my opinion, there wasn’t a damn thing she could do. And that’s precisely what “He’s just not that into you” communicates. You can’t do a damn thing, so stop trying to find out what you could do differently.

    But you don’t want to hear that USEFUL piece of information.

    1. 33.1
      Eva

      I agree! So true. There are different reasons why a person is not into another one. However, no matter there reasons when someone isn’t into you, there’s nothing you can do but move on to someone who is. That being said, someone compatible with you.

  14. 34
    Ruby

    Karl #34
     
    I think the problem we ladies have is that men continue to date women they claim they are not into, so even if you tell someone you’re not interested in a serious relationship, she may read that as not interested for the time being. She may think that if you keep seeing each other, eventually you’ll come around, that you must like her a lot or you’d stop seeing her, right? That’s where the confusion happens, and believe me, many men might say they are not looking for a serious relationship, but they’ll give other signals indicating that they ARE. I’ve even had a guy tell me he wanted to have a long-term CASUAL relationship with me (yes, I declined). If you’re not really into someone, why date them? (yeah, I know, SEX). But why not just be friends, or move on? Because in general, I think it’s harder for women to do the casual thing than it is for men. Women perceive this type of behavior as selfishness.
     
    As far as the woman you were dating goes, was she hurt anyway when you did break it off? After all, even if she was forewarned, she still got dumped in the end.

  15. 35
    Karl R

    Ruby said: (#35)
    “even if you tell someone you’re not interested in a serious relationship, she may read that as not interested for the time being.”

    I can’t remember a single time where I’ve been certain that I didn’t want a serious relationship with an individual (sufficiently certain to announce it to her face) but later changed my mind. Therefore, I tend to assume that it’s unlikely that women will behave differently than I do.

    Obviously, it’s a different situation if someone’s uncertain. That could go either way.

    Ruby said: (#35)
    “many men might say they are not looking for a serious relationship, but they’ll give other signals indicating that they ARE.”

    If you want a serious relationship, and he wants a serious relationship, what motivation does he have to lie?

    I can understand the situation that you describe. I had one woman blatantly tell me that she wasn’t interested in a serious relationship with me. Over the next few months her behavior consistently indicated that she had changed her mind. (For example, I was spending the night at her place 5-6 times per week.)

    Instead of making assumptions, I directly brought up the topic in a conversation. I wasn’t about to completely invest myself emotionally in a relationship without some assurance that she saw it as being more serious too.

    Ruby said: (#35)
    “But why not just be friends, or move on? Because in general, I think it’s harder for women to do the casual thing than it is for men.”

    I don’t pretend to know what is in her best interest. I expect her to have a clearer idea about that than I do. She (presumably) decided that a casual relationship benefitted her. We continued to date while it was mutually beneficial.

    However, I believe that it was my responsibility to provide her with information so she could make a good decision.

    Ruby asked: (#35)
    “As far as the woman you were dating goes, was she hurt anyway when you did break it off?”

    As best as I can tell, she wasn’t hurt. Either that, or she did an excellent job of concealing it.

    We share a social circle, so we still see each other from time-to-time.

  16. 36
    Liz

    “She may think that even if you keep seeing each other, eventually you’ll come around.”

    This is the exact myth that the HJNTIY book helps dispel. Seriously, this kind of thinking is so counterintuitive and detrimental to the dating lives of SO many women out there.

  17. 37
    A

    this  might make you feel better, charlene –

    my boyfriend and i dated for 8 MONTHS seriously, spending our weekends together and some weeknights.   we had an uncomfortable conversation – not an ‘i want this to end,’ but a disheartening conversation about the relationship nonetheless –  and then he stopped calling.   i contacted him a couple times after that, and  then left it alone, figuring he’d get in touch.    i finally realized  with shock and dismay that he wasn’t going to.   it HURT.   i feel your pain.  

    i wish men understood why it this behavior is f*-wittage to women,  that this  is  THE worst possible way to end things, when they don’t tell their serious partners they’re done.    i’m not sure they always do.

    when my girlfriends and i invite each other to do something, and one of us can’t go, we don’t not answer. if we can’t go, we say we can’t go – otherwise, we consider this nonresponse to be rude behavior. (maybe i’m part of some weird minority of women?)

    at some point, i realized that when a guy doesn’t answer  me, whether it’s someone i’m dating, or a friend, or a co-worker, it means he just doesn’t want to do what i’m suggesting, and he’s not trying to offend.   it took awhile to realize that.

    BUT,  i really wish that more men realized that  WE DON’T THINK THAT WAY.  i have tried, some of the time, to recognize that a man in a relationship not responding just means he isn’t interested, and not be pissy about the manner in which he has communicated this…but i really wish they could be more understanding of how  i think about this, some of the time.   in these most important conversations it’s harder for me to abandon my natural inclination to interpret non-response as  meant to hurt me.  it just HURTS. and  it draws out a painful situation even longer than necessary, as i try to figure out what is/if something is wrong, throwing salt in the wound to boot.

  18. 38
    Here's my question

    My question is, there exist women whose chosen vocation is to provide NSA sex for money.   Why not pay a professional to service your sex needs, men?   And leave normal single women alone?
    My take is, they get off the power trip.   What’s needed to air out the room once and for all is a sex strike.   Ladies, we need to close our legs to them for ten years.   (It’s not like we need the sex from them; they need it from us; this is a seller’s market and it’s time we behaved so.)   No sex anymore until the behavior changes.
    If you don’t think this works, examine the bitterness and woman hatred over at Omega Virgin Revolt.   When men don’t get easy sex, they become homicidal.   The nice thing is women can buy guns now.
    Sexual strike, ladies.   Correct the behavior.   Use a vibrator to satisfy your needs and leave these fools to their narcissism.   They need sex from us and we do not need it from them.   Seller’s market.   Straighten up, girls.   About 3650 days without nookie, they’ll get it straight again whose market it really is – and frankly, it’s overdue.   Do not reward bad behavior.   You’d stop giving treats to your puppy if he kept biting your baby.
    Treat men the same.

    1. 38.1
      Dina Strange

      Agree, with a capital “A”…

  19. 39
    b

    Sanya, love your post. I needed to read that. Thank you.

  20. 40
    Marni

    Basically, it’s up to us to heed our gut feelings. He was dishonest and yes, I judge that. I find it cowardly behavior for guys to expect us to read their minds – they really dislike it when we expect it from them. By that decree alone, we should be treating others as we wish to be treated. Rude actions say a lot regarding a person’s character. If someone treated me that way, I would be hurt and bothered. Eventually I would dislike them and I suppose that’s the male theory, leave it all in our court so we can guess and wonder, or get no closure – eventually dislike them and walk away – but talk about a lack of integrity on his end.
    It’s a part of life, sadly – well not as it should be, but as self-depreciating and selfish people make it.
    I’m sorry that happened to you. I really am.
    Also, I tend to see men who act that way as narcissists and power players. I also tend to think of women who get hurt by it, very very lucky to have the opportunity to meet someone much more kind and to their liking.

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