I was going to post this in the comments for my last blog, but felt it was worth its own post. It's in response to another ad nauseum debate between two camps on this blog:
Women who think that everything is someone else's fault and that everyone else should change. And women who understand that you can't control anyone else's behavior, all you can do is adjust to the world as it is.
Suggesting that all of you don’t value yourselves because you’re asking for dating advice? Suggesting that if you are happy with yourself, your romantic relationships should just fall into place?
A reader wrote:
If a woman values herself she doesn’t need a man–hence she doesn’t need a matchmaker or dating advice.
If a woman is happy in herself she doesn’t need a man–and her relationship decisions spring organically from who she is at her best.
And then all of her relationships–with her lover or husband, her friends, her kids, her coworkers, whomever–will just fall into place.
As a dating coach, this set me off. A regular reader is insulting all of my other regular readers?
Suggesting that all of you don't value yourselves because you're asking for dating advice? Suggesting that if you are happy with yourself, your romantic relationships should just fall into place?
I'm sorry, but my entire CAREER is proof that this is not true.
My clients are amazing. Smart, strong, successful, happy, confident. Relationship-oriented. Content being alone; would prefer to find a partner. Know that something's not working. Want to learn what they can do differently. Reach out for my help in this most important of arenas.
How can you say that there's something wrong with these folks?
Good, smart, self-aware people with high self-esteem can want a relationship and seek dating advice. That's why I have a job, as do dozens of other dating coaches and matchmakers, many of whom are my good friends. If you think we're preying on the weak, you don't really understand what I do here. I'm not sure why I care about this, but I'm always baffled when people take offense to my reality-based dating coaching.
I realized recently that, as much as I write about dating and relationships, I'm not really expressing my opinions on how the world should be. I'm issuing my observations about how it IS.
It would be great if the hottest, youngest women on Match.com weren't so self-centered and flaky. But they are. It would be amazing if short, fat, balding men with no money could have an equal shot at dating one of these women. In my experience, they don't. I could spend all my time trying to change hot, young women into mature, soulful, generous and empathetic adults, but I'm powerless to do so. I could spend all my time railing against them for being judgmental about men's looks and wallets, but I don't.