Do You Know How You Come Across On A Date?



I just read “Why He Didn’t Call You Back”. I picked it up after reading your recommendation. It’s rare that I go on a date and not get a call for a second date. So I don’t have that problem, but I rarely want to go on the second date. My friends often tell me one date is not enough, so I thought the book might give me some insight into myself; perhaps I am being too critical when on dates. But I also thought it would help me understand other things I might be doing “wrong” in the early stages of a relationship.

From reading the book, I see that I am a little bit of The Boss Lady, The Closer, and Sadie Hawkins. I am sure I am too hasty and critical because, like The Closer, I am 43 and I feel I don’t have to waste anymore, so let’s cut to the chase, get these questions answered and see if there is any chance. Why waste 4 or 5 dates, to learn about someone when you can do it all in one night? Well, that has been my thinking, but I can see now how un-romantic that is! There is something to be said about leaving some mystery and intrigue. Turning around Sadie Hawkins will be hard. I have a friend that has told me that several times. You have to let the man lead; they like the chase. Well, I like the chase too! It is frustrating to me that I can’t do some chasing! I am not good at sitting around waiting for a guy to call!

Thanks for the book recommendation! And for your advice!

Take care,
Sue G

Kudos to Sue for picking up “Why He Didn’t Call You Back”. It takes an amazing woman to learn something from a book that she didn’t think applied to her.

As a dating coach, the biggest problem I see is that men and women don’t have FEEDBACK to learn from their dating experiences. What Rachel Greenwald created in researching her book was a true feedback loop – so women could FINALLY learned the REAL reasons he just disappeared into thin air.

She did this from a process she calls “Exit Interviews” – following up a week or two after the failed date to find out what, if anything, there is to learn.

As Greenwald states on her website:

“Please believe me when I tell you that Exit Interviews are more empowering than embarrassing. It’s proactive, not desperate, to get answers and make improvements–as you probably do everyday in your job. And in the dating world, I’m not suggesting you make the calls yourself: you need a third party to get the feedback for you. Of course no one ever enjoys having an ex-date called on her behalf, but it is a means to an end.

If you truly want to find the right mate, it can be extremely helpful to bite the bullet and find out what’s really going on during and after your dates. Uncovering the gap between your perceptions and his perceptions will enable you to find your mate quickly and efficiently.

According to my research, 90% of women are wrong when they predict why he didn’t call back. You may have a recurring pattern of which you are completely unaware that is sabotaging your dates and potential relationships. Why wonder needlessly when you can just get the information you need, direct from the source?

Exit Interview Example

Sophie, one of my private clients in New York City several years ago, complained to me on the phone about James, a 27-year old investment banker. They had had a great first date, she said, but two weeks passed without a word from him. She said to me, “Rachel, why didn’t he call me back?” Well, I had absolutely no idea–how could I? I’m not a psychic and I hadn’t gone on the date with them. But I did have a radical thought: why not call James myself and ask him?

With Sophie’s permission, I called James. He was surprisingly willing to talk about their date. Sure, I had to use my charm to get past his initial “there was just no chemistry” answer, but he opened up after a few gentle, probing questions. I had expected that my phone-call attempt would simply become an unreturned voice message, but it actually turned into a thirty-minute discussion with this guy. I learned that while he thought Sophie was attractive and the date was fun, she had made several references to being deeply rooted in New York. This had concerned him. According to James, one of the things she said was: “I love New York– I’d never leave the city. My job and my whole family are here.” James was originally from the West Coast and hoped to move back there after working a few years on Wall Street. He concluded that Sophie was geographically inflexible and didn’t think it was worth pursuing a relationship with her. He admitted shyly that he used to enjoy dating a cute girl without thinking about the future, but he was ready to settle down soon and only wanted to date women with long-term potential.

When I relayed this feedback to Sophie, at first she was surprised–then even a little angry at the wasted opportunity. She remarked, “Well, I do love New York, but for the right guy, and especially if we were married, I might be willing to move.” But of course that’s not what she had conveyed to him. And because they’d only known each other for an hour, he never probed further about her long-term geographic intentions. She didn’t have the option to find out if James could have been her “right guy.” She made The Never-Ever mistake on the first date. {The Never-Ever mistake is discussed in Chapter 3 of Why He Didn’t Call You Back}

This is an obvious idea – but one that is rarely employed in dating and relationships. Companies do exit interviews all the time with employees leaving the organization. Websites do it with buyers who have purchased their products. The only way anyone can learn about what’s broken is to ASK FOR FEEDBACK.

But we don’t do this in dating. As a result, we never learn what people TRULY think about us – and are doomed to repeat our mistakes OVER and OVER again.

Imagine if all the bad dates YOU’VE ever been on had asked for feedback. Couldn’t you have saved the pain of HUNDREDS of people after you? I’ll bet you could. What you might not realize is that you’re somebody ELSE’s bad date – and that, unwittingly, you’re shooting yourself in the foot with people you really DO like.

You know how I know this? Because I’M dozens of people’s bad dates! That’s right. If I went out with 300 people in ten years – there’s probably a good fifty of them who could tell you exactly how much I sucked.

And if all 50 of them said, “He asked me to split the check,” or “He didn’t ask me questions about myself,” or “He wanted to get physical too quickly,” I would be ignorant if I ignored all of the feedback.

The thing is you generally don’t GET this feedback from your dates. All you get is SILENCE as you’re being blown off. As a result, you can never LEARN anything or improve your odds of making a love connection.

Until now.

Inspired by Rachel’s book, I’m offering Exit Interviews to you. Now, once and for all, you can gain full understanding of your role in the dating process. By clicking below, I – or someone on my team – will directly call three of your past dates, learn what they REALLY thought and give you the crucial feedback you need.

Soon ALL of your future dates will ALWAYS want to come back for more.

This is a unique service that isn’t being offered ANYWHERE else, so take advantage of it now.

I can’t wait for you to get rid of that blind spot and become a more confident, attractive dater INSTANTLY.

Join our conversation (41 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 21

    Is the author’s advice expected to work for men? Many men present themselves badly – style in particular – partly because they don’t give each other feedback. Women have a reputation for lying “to spare people’s feelings,” with looks being one of the things they lie about. So could men get any useful feedback with the “Exit Interview” strategy?

  2. 22

    @Casey, post #15

    I’m impressed. You are a fast reader.

    Dating “rules”, IMHO are general rules. They don’t apply to all people. I think the “no Sadie Hawkins” thing is more of a function of the age group and how it is done. I have been turned off by it, but other times I have found it flattering and accepted.

    IMHO there is never any reason for not taking a risk by asking someone out. The only thing to be lost is in being told “no thank you”. It is disappointing, but men ( and some women ) have been dealing with that for thousands of years.

    However, in this case your date said he was dating someone exclusively. There are only two possibilities. He is telling the truth and he is not. Either way the answer is likely to be “no” since he told you he was pursuing someone exclusively.

  3. 23
    Evan Marc Katz

    The book is for women, but the concept of Exit Interviews would absolutely work just as well for men.

    If you feel weird about doing it yourself, I will do this for you. A few smart women have already taken advantage. What are you guys waiting for?

  4. 24

    Karl R (#20)

    Thanks for the well thought out comments. I agree with you, and that is what I was thinking…next time I go out with someone I really like, just wait a few dates before asking him out.

    Steve (#21)

    It is a curse at times, but I am a faster reader with a high level of retention and comprehension…it makes it really hard to savor a good book. 🙂

    Thank you for your comments also. I’m sorry Steve, I realized I wasn’t clear with some of mine. Because he is in an exclusive relationship, I would not do anything to try and recover from being filtered out.

    I was just curious if he wasn’t pursuing someone else exclusively and had filtered me out for any reason, can a woman recover from a man’s point of view? Should she even try if she realized she screwed up? What would a recovery attempt look like? Do some types of screw ups lend themselves more to recovery than others?

  5. 25
    Karl R

    Casey asked:
    “I was just curious if he wasn’t pursuing someone else exclusively and had filtered me out for any reason, can a woman recover from a man’s point of view?”

    Yes. Last Saturday I was out with some friends and acquaintances. One man had originally filtered out his girlfriend because she was “too young” for him to date seriously. Later he discovered that she was actually 50….

    “Should she even try if she realized she screwed up?”

    If you try, don’t let him figure out that you’re trying to get a second shot. You have to be really subtle for this.

    Don’t try to be anything more than friendly acquaintances. Pursue other opportunities. Let him realize that you’re not treating him any differently than other men you’re friends with.

    In the meantime, be aware of the image you’re projecting (without being self-conscious about it). Then slowly and subtly project an image that demonstrates that his initial impression was wrong. He may decide that he originally mistaken and filter you back in.

    The last time I did this with a woman it took over six months to get another opportunity.

    “What would a recovery attempt look like?”

    In my case the woman had ruled me out for two reasons: I didn’t have a car and I was 9 years younger than her.

    Over the next several months she realized that I constantly showed up to various social events around town without relying on anything but public transportation. I wasn’t dependent on other people to get around.

    We also became better friends over those months. She gradually came to realize that I she could count on me to have an insightful and mature point-of-view. Just being myself, I proved that I was more emotionally mature than the older men she was dating.

    But I wasn’t counting on this working. I dated four other women in the meantime. (And even with the second chance, it didn’t work in the long run.)

    “Do some types of screw ups lend themselves more to recovery than others?”

    Absolutely. Let’s say a guy thinks you have no figure because you were wearing something frumpy the first few times he saw you. If he later sees you in something form-fitting, he’s going to notice his mistake immediately.

    If you said something that raised a red-flag (like implying that you had a gambling addiction), you may have no chance of recovering.

  6. 26

    @Steve #9
    I read the Amazon reviews as well, and I got the impression that the hygiene issue was not in the book, but rather the reviewer’s own, rather oddly presented, advice to women in general. Personally I found that particular review strange in large part because his ‘advice’ just came out of left field.

    I’ve not read the book in it’s entirety yet, but I think it’s a great concept.

  7. 27

    @Casey, post #24

    That is an intriguing question. If you find out let me know. It seems that in the dating world second chances aren’t common. Especially with online dating it seems as if people are treated as disposable.

  8. 28

    ok, i’ve read most of the book and WOW – no wonder i’m not getting the second dates !! so get this – now i THINK i know why the few guys that i would be interested in getting “exit interviews” from disappeared, should i go ahead and ask for/get the “exit interviews” from them anyway? i’m thinking maybe i should go out with a few men now that i’m armed with this new info and see what happens….THEN get the exit interviews… many decisions. i have to say i was troubled by the huge difference in the number of single women over 35 (i’m 44) vs. single men — yikes!!

  9. 29

    @Casey — i was able to “recover” one gentleman after i ever-so-gracefully flipped out because he was seeing 2 other women while seeing me (soooo very ugly)….i just approached it with humor, explaining that, as it turns out, i had really never “dated” before and had no idea how to casually date, but was willing to try if he was….he was great about it and we went out a few more times before i blew it again. if i had only known then what i know now.

  10. 30

    Karl – definitely, a woman whose lack of visual appeal was the reason can get another chance by dressing sexier or doing virtually anything with her appearance that isn’t obviously unnatural. Unfortunately, because men don’t normally vary their appearance much and women evidently are less forgiving in general, second chances for men deemed unattractive are much less likely.

    Has anyone here been involved in a situation where it was said that the man wasn’t physically attractive enough? It’s hard to imagine a woman admitting that to the man she rejected or even her admitting it was something she thought fundamental about his personality, obnoxiousness aside.

  11. 31

    [i]Has anyone here been involved in a situation where it was said that the man wasn’t physically attractive enough? It’s hard to imagine a woman admitting that to the man she rejected[/i]

    I admitted that.
    But only when given the third degree.
    I don’t think [b]men[/b] would be too eager to say that to a woman either.

  12. 32

    I have quit seeing people because there was no chemistry but I don’t think i’ve ever not gone out with someone or quit seeing someone because I didn’t think they were attractive enough. I did have one date whose personality (at least during our encounter) very off-putting. And he did call and ask me why I didn’t want to go out again and I didn’t tell him the truth. One of the many things he did was to constantly reassure me how he was really special and a great catch so I’m not sure it would have mattered if I told him the truth or not. I’d admit though to a third party – or, apparently, on a website.

  13. 33

    Hopefully the html works this time.

    I have quit seeing people because there was no chemistry but I don’t think i’ve ever not gone out with someone or quit seeing someone because I didn’t think they were attractive enough.

    What’s the difference?

  14. 34

    I was wondering the same thing, what is the difference? But I dated a really good looking guy and we just didn’t have any chemistry. We’ve actually become really good friends. There was another guy who we had total chemistry but i’d say he’s average looking. Of course, what one person finds attractive and another person finds attractive are going to be different.

    1. 34.1

      Difference is carisma, an ugly guy can be charming and an handsome guy can also be not attractive to you because there is no chemistry….

  15. 35

    In re: to posts 9 and 26:

    I was unable to read the review in question on first attempt, it’s just so poorly written (no surprise it has no “helpful” votes), but finally struggled through it after reading these comments.

    Again, the most bizarre piece of dating advice I ever heard. Baths! How practical is that? Especially in the morning? And don’t forget that many people don’t even have bathtubs in their apartments.

    But again, I don’t see why a bath should even be necessary. I mean, what are those people doing when showering their… uhm… private parts, just lathering up on the outside, the way they do with the rest of their body?

    All right, whatever. 8=|

  16. 36

    While I haven’t read the book, I question Greenwald’s statement that Casey quoted above, “there are 28 million women and 18 million men over 35…”.

    What’s the age range? If this include people 35-75+, then the statement makes sense as women outlive men. But if you’re a single women in her late 30’s this statement can cause women to think they have less prospects than men, which really isn’t the case.

    I’m 38 and strongly doubt I’d be seeking the same type of guy as a 65-year-old widow. I also have a hard time believing that at age 36, 10 million more men than women all of a sudden die or get married.

    The media and self-help books are doing a great disservice by scaring women into feeling desperate.

  17. 37

    JuJu – no, men wouldn’t want to say that. But a woman who has been rejected – when it’s usually the woman rejecting the man – probably would assume it’s that if there was no other obvious reason and she doesn’t think she looks great. What did you say to him before he forced the truth from you?

  18. 38

    It was more than one, and I said “physically, I just don’t feel the way I’d like to feel,” or something along those lines.

  19. 39

    how do we access this exit interview service? this is something I would pay for

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *