Do You Know What a Man Expects out of a First Date?

couple dating over a cup of coffee

Do you know what a man expects out of a first date?

Have you ever bothered to ask him?

If you’re a female reader, please share some of the things you’ve done on first dates that you feel ensure a second date.

If you’re a male reader, please share with us what your date can do to ensure a second date.

If you’re serious about securing that second date, you’ll want to check out my Finding the One Online CD series.

Join our conversation (89 Comments).
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  1. 61
    Slim Pickens

    Uh, I was being faceitous Thomas. Actually I don’t know what my success rate would be, until recently I was happily married. Technically still am for a couple more months. And then I’ll be both available, but I’ll also be 50. I have a feeling the random pickup thing works better for younger folks. We’ll see.

  2. 62

    slim, just keep your eye out

    When a woman locks eyes with you and will not let it break, go for it. I have been out where the woman knocked people over, ran into poles, and crashed into other objects because she had locked eyes with me and was not paying attention to where she was going. Her body maybe pointed one direction, but her head and eyes will always be pointed at you.

    50, who cares. The only one that cares is you. Nobody else cares. Go out and have a good time and be happy with the way things are. Do not fake the happiness, just be grateful with what you got. When others see that you are happy, they want to join in. Be happy that you have lived to be 50 and look forward to the next 50 years and the things that you will accomplish.

    Now, I hope that I have the same attitude when I reach 50 that I have today.

  3. 63

    Half a century old women are fun to have around!…

  4. 64
    Slim Pickens

    Heh, I can honestly say I’ve never in my life had a woman knocking things while staring at me. But occasionally someone has stared at me. Since I’ll soon be in a position to stare back we’ll have to test your theory there Thomas.

    I’m with hunter, I will be looking for someone around my own age when I’m set free. I don’t quite get guys my age who chase 20-somethings. I love women my age. That’s a topic for a whole new thread.

  5. 65

    I’m an older woman but look much younger. Therefore I am approached by alot of younger men. Some are professional, some are not. What bothers me is that no matter what economic background they are from, they manage to slip in some kind of curse word which totally turns me off. Makes me wonder if there are any gentlemen left in the world.

  6. 66
    Karl R

    “T” said: (#65)
    “What bothers me is that no matter what economic background they are from, they manage to slip in some kind of curse word which totally turns me off. Makes me wonder if there are any gentlemen left in the world.”

    If you define a “gentleman” as someone who does not use curse words, you will find very few who meet that description.

    You may have better luck if you address the issue directly. Instead of saying that you’re looking for a “gentleman”, say that you’re looking for someone who doesn’t curse. If a date curses in your presence, ask him not to.

    But if you just go looking for a “gentleman”, you will find lots of people who define the term differently than you.

  7. 67

    Good point, well taken and thank-you. Maybe I’m old school but I believe anyone with proper breeding whether male or female (At least I was taught)..knows that there is a proper time when to use profanity. I’m not saying that I’ve never cursed before, but I usually refrain until I get to know a person. I tend to think that first impressions last. However, while speaking up is something that I will consider, often times I don’t stay around long enough to waste my energy on the “unbred”. LOL..that’s callous isn’t?

  8. 68
    Kurt S.

    I like to see whether a woman is classy, attentive, and appreciative.   It is amazing how many women go on dates expecting a guy to “wow” them, but don’t feel as though they have to make a similar impression on the guy.   Some women expect a man to exhibit classic chivalry, yet the women don’t behave like ladies.   For example, I once went on a couple dates with a woman I had met on eHarmony and she actually complained on the first date that men weren’t chivalrous because most didn’t pull out a woman’s chair at a restaurant, etc.   However, this woman didn’t act ladylike because she showed up late, complained about all of the people she thought had screwed her over, swore like a sailor, dropping many “f” bombs, never thanked me for purchasing dinner, and didn’t pay for anything despite the fact that she was working at a big accounting firm and probably made $100k herself.   She did some other annoying stuff I won’t even mention, but suffice it to say, she was the most awful woman I have ever been on a date with in my life.

  9. 69

    Im 24, not a pro dater, but been on a few.. im a lady, and i guess i expect ladies to be polite, and have a sense of “class”- good manners are never looked down upon..

    Im kind of shy, but what makes me really like a guy, is if they can make me laugh.. i have a “guy sense of humor”… so when you crack a stupid joke, and theres any kind of pun hidden in there, im trying not to laugh toooo hard..
    Bring me out of my shell, just a tad, and i will soooo ask you out for another date!

    with that being said, referring to the ladies spilling TMI, the same goes for the guys! Most tell just enough to get me curious, but there has been 1 or 2, that told me way too much, and at that moment, i knew it wasnt going to a 2nd date. blame it on nerves if you want, but i do not want to know about how huge your ex’s boobs were, or how she woke you up, with a good morning bj.

    we all have our 1st date expectations, i do not expect a guy to be perfect, thats setting yourself up.. i have a date in 6 days, and im taking him out! its 2012, if a girl asks you out, before you get the chance to ask her, odds are, shes seen something she likes…

  10. 70

    My best advice on a date whether the 1st,2nd, or 20th is just be yourself and it will always be appreciated.

    1. 70.1

      ..suppose I am hard to get along with?(an A-hole)..

  11. 71

    I have never heard such utter nonsensical fiction in my life. Aside from Psychology class, studying Personality Disorders
    There’s a massive reason why you’d not get a first date from a decent woman and that’s because we’d never listen to that Much crap unless we were getting paid.
    Seems more likely that you seek the damsels so that you can get affirmation that you are stronger (mentally) than them  
    I.agree with the statement “youve to be great  company, pleasant, fun, appreciative and treat a.little like an interview … Only divulge the same information you wouldnt mind your boss knowing

  12. 72

    Dating should be fun. Please don’t bore me with childhood stories of trauma and devastation. The first date should be light, interactive, and the intrigue needs to last past this date. If there is nothing left to learn about you, game over.

  13. 73

    I have been dating for 6 months . One after another horrible !! Experiences. I am 37 years old and I started with 37,40,45 now I am up to 47-50 year old man. First dates are great, everyone presents themselves with a beautiful persona, personality, qualities , I will say probably up to the second / third date. Suddenly, I found out they are either marriage, odd stories, some of them they do not know how to calculate math. Their stories and times are not part of their long term memory lie process. Also, most of them they want to go to bed on the second or third date, keep calling me beauty, you are so hot and I absolutely hate it!! So, I move on. I agreed with many of the comments here, where we women we need to focus on ” who are you across the table” vs ” I want you to like me” . Nevertheless , I am super confidence in my dates and open person to talk to, well manner and able to carry on a conversation laughing or being silly ! I find it super hard to find the right guy still. I do not project the wrong impression because I see the first dates as I am meeting a friend type of thing. Absolutely just being myself! Now in a few days, I am meeting up this beautiful guy, that I have been talking to and my thoughts of being one more like them ,it’s killing me. I do not want to give any negative thoughts but it’s so hard, after so many bad experiences. i do agreed that some women they take the dating experiences as a boost to their selfesteen meeting a different guy every week or weekend. But what about those who we are really looking to find the good one and we have expectations with good secure self esteem?? I hope this next date goes well and not more dishonest guys up there. I need to reverse the ” ok let’s see what you are going to lie about” vs ” let me get to know you and see who are you? “

  14. 74

    I hear a lot about what men want but what do women want?

    Personally now that I am older, I can always manage to have a good date and have men pursuing me left and right because 1). I’m comfortable with myself 2).  I’m playful and don’t take things too seriously  3). I’m silly and adventurous 4). I make sure I look presentable in all forms (physical, mental and emotional) – lets be real – no one wants to go on a date with someone who is stressed out or is not mentally in the right place – you can detect that a mile away and  YOU CANT HIDE CRAZY  5). I’m able to divulge my opinion about a subject in a feminine way – it means I can disagree with my date while smiling and really taking interest in what he has to say. 6). I show I am independent not just by my words but by my actions – I dont text after a certain hour – I dont hinder my opinions but present them strategically 7).  I treat them like a they are a gentleman  – I say my please and thank yous and I make sure their efforts are acknowledged.

    But what do WOMEN look for on the first date?  

    I actually make it point not to care too much if they like me, but to decide if I like them. Here is how to act on the first few dates of courting a woman:

    1). Treat them  like a lady!!!  If I treat the guy like he is a gentleman, I aspect that he treats me like a lady – dont be agressive, open the door when possible. I actually had a guy who stood  up every time I left the table to use the bathroom because his mother taught him too. And let me tell you, I was impressed. He didn’t do it in awkward way but more so in an endearing, “let me show you how you should be treated” kind of way. Kudos to all men who stand up when their lady leaves the table.

    2). Don’t be awkward  –  We aren’t your bros, bruh! Please moderate what comes out of your mouth.

    3). ALWAYS offer to pay on the first few dates  – I say always because you are competing with men out there who will. I had a date who asked me “since we both are independent and see each other as equals, what do you think we should do about the bill?” Guess what boys, he did not get a second date no matter how good it went prior to that sentence. Killed it and onto the next.

    4). Do not compliment her too much. I value a guy who can compliment me without directly having to do so. I’ve gone on dates where the guy kept telling me I was gorgeous and that I’ve intrigued him in some way.. blah blah blah. However, when you tactfully add in,  “I’m a big fan of that dress your wearing. I cant decide whether I should ask you out on a second date or just stare at you while you walk away. Let me sleep on it.”

    5) Be playful but also show you can be serious at times  –  we want to date a MAN and not a boy.  Show me your serious about your profession and that you have your priorities straight. I dont care if you love Vegas or partying hard. That’s what boys like to say. But if you tell me you went to Europe and loved Rome because of the culture… now we have something to talk about.

    6). DONT BE BASIC  – 90% of my dates are basic because they are basic people. If you’re basic and you are trying to catch a unicorn, you chances are very low.  Unicorns run with other unicorns.

    7). Know what you want and be upfront with your intentions  – if your taking her on a date to get in her pants then make it clear somehow and who knows maybe she’s into that! But if you want to take her on a date because she tickles your fancies other than just sexually – then make sure you try NOT to sleep with her on the first date or even make out with her. A small passionate kiss is acceptable but if a guy offers to take me back to his place or tries to go under my shirt to feel me up – you are now in the black list of boys “I wont take seriously but might call if I want to get laid” category.

    Hope my insights on dating help some guy/girl out. Of course, every guy/girl is different so feel them out for the first 15 mins and make your best judgement. I look at  dating as practice.  I go on a dates with men so I can practice for THE ONE guy I truly want to attract and impress. When I do find that guy, I’ll know exactly how to act and exactly what to say to put a smirk on his face at the end of the night 🙂

  15. 75

    Hello,Thomas such a deep story… I ´m impressed.

    We speak a lot what the man expects out of a first date and do we think, what actually we want from a men? I ´m considering it since a time, and today I read a good article about it, which I share with you.  KNOW THE QUALITIES WOMEN LOOK FOR IN MEN

    The guys should know, what we expect too 🙂 Best

  16. 76

    I don’t have very high expectations on a first date. Mainly I think of them as just an extended introduction to make sure you don’t suck. Look half way decent — or if it’s an online match up look like your damn picture. Be nice. Be appropriately dressed for the venue. Actively engage in the conversation. Be courteous to wait staff. That’s about it. I will ask for a second date 100% of the time.
    General things that would make me not request a second date include:
    Extreme tardiness (I would consider this to be in excess of 15-20 min.) without notification
    The “fake reach”
    Answering phone calls (unless it’s an emergency)
    Disparaging comments about the chosen venue

    1. 76.1


      most women answer phone calls, they say, all calls coming from their children are an emergency….

      1. 76.1.1

        I don’t particularly care about calls coming from children. I’d consider that important enough to be an emergency. But I’ve been on a few dates with women answering calls and just having conversations with friends – even an ex guy once. That’s a date ender for me.

        1. hunter


          I see what you are saying….I agree…

  17. 77

    Geezzzzzzzz .. Firstly I think it a great chance (on this page) for both sexes to listen to other..

    I have been on a few dates over the last 20 years (single no kids – married to my career) and I will say this … If you really believe that you are when you asked out (and dinner paid for) that you have entered into an unspoken contract to “be a good date” and “entertain” the guy picking up the bill (even if he is a nobber) .. honey…   there are girls who get a lot more remuneration for   90 minutes of   their time than getting a free feed.   How low is your self esteem that you feel this is all you are worth, or more importantly how insulting to your date if this is how you view your meeting – a financial transaction??

    I earn a very decent salary but always, always sincerely appreciate when a guy pays for dinner…go you guys 🙂   It is sweet, respectful and old fashioned chivalry. And I usually pay for the beverages if we order wine.   Either way, I do not solicit my time in exchange for food.   I am on first date because I want to be there. It is insulting to you to your date if you are not there for the same reasons.

    And yes, over the years I have gone on first dates myself simply so the guy will stop asking me or because I have felt sorry for him. In retrospect, its cruel and probably caused him more pain not having second date, than giving an honest (I mean   honest) rejection at the start.   None of this “its not you its me .. etc crap”.. simply be honest (still preserving his integrity of course) and state that you are simply not attracted to him … yes well this requires you to have a level of self esteem and self confidence ( I didnt posses when I was younger) but I hope that you have had this instilled during your youth .. or even about to start after reading my comments. It’s not easy to reject someone, no matter how old they or you are.. but from the guys I have worked with over the years, long term, they would rather know straight away..

    And for you guys … You pay for dinner, get a peck on the cheek.. You know without these “she gave me the “look” rubbish’ that you might have a good chance of having another date… And the concepts quoted about “progression” .. seriously ?? You got to first base on the first date.. maybe she thought she was moving too fast and slowed it down for the second date .. Instead of wiping her for another date.. have you considered communicating with her and asking her if she would like a third date (you may be surprised !!). Perhaps between   the one or two glasses if wine on your first date (when she pecked you on the cheek) and the second date when she was really sizing you up, she just decided to slow things down BECAUSE SHE LIKES YOU !!!!!

    And if sdhe just felt sorry for you, or thought so little of herself that she was soliciting herself for a free feed, you are better off without her.

    Be kind, and do everything with love – life has a crazy way or working it all out for us 🙂 🙂

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