Do You Want to Be the Center of His Universe? Be Careful What You Wish For…

I want you to imagine the perfect man.

He’s your age.

He’s fit.

He’s passionate about his work and makes a good living.

He texts you every day and calls you almost every night.

He refers to you as his girlfriend.

He tells you he loves you after only 3 months together.

He’s already talking about vacation plans for next year.

Sounds nice, huh?

I’ll bet that if you think about having a man like this in your life, it would bring a great big smile to your face.

Then again, if you had such a man in your life, you probably wouldn’t be reading this; you’d be off drinking pina coladas in Cabo. ☺

So believe me when I tell you that men like this really do exist.

Career men aren’t home for 5pm dinner, especially if they’re not living with you.

One of the women in my Inner Circle is currently dating one.

And, believe it or not, she is doing everything in her power to break up with him.

That’s right.

Debbie, from my Inner Circle, is quite a catch and I’m thrilled to work with her.

And although I only hinted at one side of the story to make a point, there IS another side. I’ll let Debbie explain herself:

At three months of dating, my boyfriend Sam is completely fine with seeing each other once during the week and every other weekend when I don’t have my son.

Right now, that might be acceptable but I know that at six months or a year I would want more time together. I know he dated someone with a kid for about a year, moving in at six months and it got to be too much for him, he moved out, moved back in, then eventually broke up with her. This makes me think that although he says he wants to be in a relationship and does want someone to go on trips with, etc, he may in fact value his freedom more.

Honestly I don’t see the point in continuing to date this guy for six months or a year knowing that eventually we will not be on the same page with respect to spending time together.

Do you agree I should cut my losses now instead of doing it at six months or a year, or are my expectations too high and I would run into this with anyone I dated?



Debbie’s questions about their long-term compatibility are real.

Her fear, however, isn’t serving her well. In fact, it’s more likely to drive Sam away.

Allow me to explain.

First of all, Debbie has already acknowledged that everything this guy does is virtually perfect. He treats her like gold, he follows up consistently, and she always knows where she stands emotionally with him.

As a woman, you know how very rare and important that is.

Her complaints are a) she doesn’t see him enough b) he seems content with that.

Yet part of the reason she doesn’t see him enough is because both he and she are hard-working, 6-figure earners with jobs that take close to 50 hours a week.

Debbie loves his mind, she loves his passion, she appreciates that he has money – she just wishes he could spend more time with her. Sorry, doesn’t work that way.

Career men aren’t home for 5pm dinner, especially if they’re not living with you.

Not to mention the other main reason they don’t see each other more is because Debbie has a son and Sam doesn’t. And after three months, it doesn’t make any sense that Sam would be fully integrated into her life with her son.

My question to Debbie was this: what exactly COULD Sam do differently given his work hours and her custody situation?

She wasn’t quite sure. All she knows is that she’s looking for signs.

When Sam goes out with a guy friend to listen to music, it’s a sign.

When Sam texts her and says he loves her but he’s tired and has nothing to say, it’s a sign.

When Sam tells her about how he had fun doing something without her, it’s a sign.

Do you ever look for signs like this?

Do you ever try to find fault with the man in your life, despite the fact that you know he’s good to the core and doing the best he can?

Do you think that you should be the center of his universe even though he’s only known you for a few weeks or months – because it makes YOU feel better?

If so, you’re in for a rude awakening.

The man you want to be with DOESN’T make you the center of the universe.

You know who does?

The creepy stalker guy makes you the center of his universe.

The lonely divorced or widowed guy makes you the center of his universe.

The socially awkward guy who has no friends makes you the center of his universe.

You’ve dated these men before and how did you like it?

It’s like he didn’t exist before you came into the picture.

You never meet his friends. You never meet his family.

He’s obsessed with you, calls you ten times a day, and declares his love after a week.

Not to mention that he’s insanely jealous.

Whether you’re hanging out with your girlfriends, hanging out with your ex-boyfriend or away on business and have no time to talk, he freaks out if he’s not involved.

How does it feel to be involved with that guy?

Instead of trying to read the future – and spending all of your time discussing “us” and “where we’re going” – the best way to get a man to want to be with you is to play it cool.

Once the rush of flattery is gone, how long before his attention becomes oppressive and weird? How long before you break up with him to find a guy who has a life, who has self-esteem, who treats you well, but doesn’t obsess over you?

Because if you’d be inclined to break up with that man, I can assure you that Sam will be inclined to break up with Debbie if she keeps up her desire to be the center of the universe.

You WANT a man who has a life.

You WANT a man who enjoys the company of men.

You WANT a man who treats you well every second he can.

And since you CAN’T know the future – whether or not you get married is a story that will take another year or two to write – ALL you can do is continue to enjoy the here and now.

This is one of the most important lessons from Why He Disappeared: The Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever.

Instead of trying to read the future – and spending all of your time discussing “us” and “where we’re going” – the best way to get a man to want to be with you is to play it cool. To lean back and let him win you over with his efforts. To be fun and easygoing and nurturing and appreciative.

The more you dissect his every move as a “sign” that you should “cut your losses” the more likely you are to drive him batty and force him to choose someone who accepts his daily calls, texts, and declarations of love for what they are – signs that he’s not going anywhere.

If you’ve identified with any of Debbie’s normal insecurities, I understand. Enough disappearing men will make you wary of any new relationship.

But the answer isn’t to force him to cut off his guy friends, quit his job, and promise to marry you after a few months.

The answer is to be sure that he’s treating you the way you deserve to be treated.

If he is, trust that he’s doing the best that he can, and that the longer he stays with you, the deeper in love he’s going to fall.

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  1. 31

    or just the fact that I am in a different place in life, a changed person. I know I need to work on my confidence and faith in general. It all ties together and is a work in progress. It’s nice to hear that someone feels doubt too without any real reason from the other person. 

    I’d love to hear more “good situation” love stories that AREN’T too good to be true, because I think I might end up one of those down the road. (fingers crossed) 🙂

    Anyone out there for inspiration?

  2. 32

    I think it depends on what both parties are looking for in the relationship.  If you aren’t on the same page and one wants a more committed relationship while the other prefers it to be a bit more casual then it won’t work out.  I believe that’s a very important conversation to have with one another if you are at this fork in the road.  Without talking about it you will never be happy with the outcome.

  3. 33

    I’ve been in a similar relationship, seeing my boyfriend just on weekends but it has gone on for 5 years(we are both in our late 50’s now). His children have never met my children(they were older teenagers-mine, and his when we first met), and he has resisted this when I’ve asked. He works at a professional job over 50 hours a week, and now cares for his elderly parents who he moved back with. He tells me to be patient when I ask, or talk about the future. I feel that I can not wait another 5 years for this to continue, as I would like to be in a full time together relationship right now. This is a delicate issue, a person can be a great person, and you may try, but they may not want to change their lives, they are comfortable. I should add, that he does not have the best relationships with his daughters, and I give them gifts, but never complain when they have not reciprocated. People have to develop a bond, and not just for convenience sake . I’ve decided to think about this carefully, but I believe that it is time for me to call quits to this, and get into a real, full time loving relationship.

  4. 34

    HA!  I read this article and then said to myself …. I bet it was a man who wrote this!! And sure enough…there it was!  A man trying to tell women what they should want and letting men off the hook for being jerks.  Nope… A man should make you as much of a priority in a relationship as he does his work and friends.  If he doesn’t then kick him to the curb.  If you are not important enough to him after 3, 4, 5…months then you will never be important enough for him to make sacrifices for and he will take you for granted and you will be miserable. 
    People need to be present and active in a relatioship…not when it is simply convenient.  

  5. 35

    Well if he is telling her he loves her in this short amount of time but is not making more of a time commitment to her this seems contradictory to me.  Yes 3 months is a short amount of time to say you love someone and I would be looking more closely at that.  There is more to this than meets the eye.  Not sure how old this couple is but could certainly have something to do with it.

    Just my two cents. 

    1. 35.1

      I agree to a point. I depends on the situation. Did they know each other very well before they started dating? Many times, we know a person and would like to date them but the timing is never right. Then one day you are both single and go on a date. In such a situation, I can easily see them saying I Love You in 3 months or less. Or, if they have a lot of time to spend together and so for 3 months, they are hardly apart, and they really go out of their way to get to know each other, I can see them saying it. What might be missing still, is trust. But you can love somebody without yet knowing if you can trust them. In fact, as I recall, Evan didn’t fully trust his wife for the 1st 6 months of their marriage. One day, he realized she really was the right one for him, and wasn’t going to hurt him, and this was after they were married.

      I think you can fall in love very quickly. Love is a decision. Something has to cause you to make the decision that you are in love with somebody. Sometimes, we may still be trying to get past being hurt, so we don’t allow ourselves to make that decision. The other person has to earn more of our trust before we let our guard down enough to allow love to grow.

  6. 36

    I completely agree with you too, except that I am the same girl in the story.  And while I tried hard to focus on the positives of my “good guy”… something still gnawed at me… I couldn’t get it to back down.  
    In my situation, the universe intervened and low and behold… my guy had more than one online profile up and was corresponding with women all over the place.  Presenting himself to them as single, and using their flirtation to fluff himself.  Instead of calling me, talking to me about whatever was missing in our relationship for him, and instead of making time to see me more.  
    So while I do think your advice is good up there, I think I’d ask this lady if she felt she couldn’t trust him and to investigate those feelings… (are they from her past, or does she not know where she stands with this man because he’s actually somehow been inconsistent?)
    For me, I’d say to this lady: “What relationship needs of your own are not being met?  Do you ask to see him more and he refuses?  Do you feel like the time you do spend together is more fantasy than reality?  Are you BUILDING anything or just fucking?”
    I don’t actually know too many smart people who feel compelled to break up, when they actually should stay. That’s all I’m saying.

  7. 37

    i disagree! this woman wants what she wants and i dont think i or anyone else should try to talk her out of it. this man she is with now has SOME good qualities that is for sure. but obviously she is not happy and wants what she wants. she should hunt for new and keep him until she finds what she is looking for.

  8. 38

    Well this would not work for me and I don’t think that expecting to see a man more than once during the week and every other weekend means I want to be the center of his universe?  I’ve dated men that go overboard and asking for every weekend is overboard for sure! When you ask what more could this man do I say make an effort to see the lady more during the week than one day.  I’m sorry Evan but I’m a lawyer who bills 2500 hours a year and I have more than one night a week to see someone particularly if that means I have entire weekends free to work.  And it does not need to be a whole involved thing it can be an hour of watching tv or something quick.  The point you are missing here is the first three months of dating involve learning about each other and getting to know each other in my opinion this couple is not spending enough time together to get there.  But honestly my opinion does not matter it’s hers.  People have different levels of what type of togetherness they need.  I’ve found that people that enjoy togetherness early generally do long term same goes for the opposite.  Likewise people that are workaholics don’t usually change.  It would be one thing if he was saying he wanted to see her more and could not due to her custody schedule he’s not.  I think this is a mismatch.  I agree that people can go overboard too early but that’s not what I see here.  I think she will wait it out and still be unhappy.  I’m fairly certain this mans not looking for a relationship and I’d venture a guess he’s seeing other women.  Or if he is looking the type of relationship he wants is not what she does.  They will be the married couple writing into you in 5 years where she sittings at home on weekends lonely while he works.  Mismatch.  As an aside in my last relationship I followed this advice.  I was dating a guy for 3 months who would never spend weekends with me.  In three months I got one Friday night and no Saturday’s.  And it was a huge deal and after 70 days of dating.  At first it was well I have family I go to my hometown to see, then it’s too early I need space etc.  I followed this advice and I stepped back.  He spent two or three days with me during the week and by all means was perfect.  Well he had another girlfriend a weekend girlfriend a few hours away that he lived with a very serious girlfriend that I found out about.  I’m just saying ..,,

  9. 39

    Thanks all for the comments. I am life long single male. I am not anti-marriage and I do not have a list of “regulars” with whom to have sex. I just never married and never had kids. I do like my time though and that is hard to shed. I have been seeing a girl for about two months and we have been together every weekend when possible and one week night. My attitude is not to just “get what I can,” deliver false promises, or act as if something will be when I know it won’t; rather, I am simply trying to enjoy my time with her and assessing if I want anyone in my life long-term. It sounds cruel I know but that’s what dating is right? We evaluate from logical and sometimes illogical perspectives how and if this person fits into our lives. I simply want to have a fun with her because if we can’t even do that imagine how miserable we will be when we are old, on a million medications, and can barely walk? This relationship stuff should be fun and I treat it like a long movie and not a couple of frames of a movie. These things take time and honesty. Why rush? However, one should not ignore red flags in favor of an imagined love story.

  10. 40

    Whoa. Thank you. We’ve been going out for 3 months, and there aren’t any I love you’s or boy/girlfriend titles. But otherwise I have the exact same thing happening right now.

    Really, really glad I read this before cutting things off with a guy who’s actually pretty awesome.

  11. 41

    Been with this guy for four years and when we first started dating he would see me every weekend. Now he says his kids are older and I get one day of his time. The other days he wants to be with his kids and family all the time and I feel he could care less about quality time with me and he would rather spend all his time off with his family they constantly call him and want him to go places. I am just going to not value the quality time anymore and just leave him alone. It hurts and it’s so frustrating. He could be around his family everyday and if he spends one day with me he will say I spent last Friday with you.

  12. 42
    Dorothy Daniel

    Love this article! Here is a woman whose got the world at her feet. More! More! As women why can’t we stop acting like “geedy” teenagers thinking love is about possession, especially since we’re in a free-spirited no responsibility zone. Debbie needs to let Sam see she has a life outside of him too. All men need space to simply “be.” Debbie needs to culture that life, focus on her son and Sam will appreciate her more for not being so need. Give me a Sam especially since I don’t need a man around all the time. My problem was allowing a long distance guy to keep snailing me back in his life via  fb messenger with no effort to truly get with me, date me. If I didn’t have feelings for him none of this would matter. I clearly told him I felt “lead on” and ended his contact with me. No point in hurting me. I’d look up like a fool and he’d be announcing marrying someone. I want to be long gone and emotionally detached by then. Nope, not being any guys “go to” girl as they work out their relationship with other girls. Debbie seriously needs interest outside Sam. Hope she can manage to keep him. Best wishes Debbie!

  13. 43
    Dorothy Daniel

    The “kicker” is Sam well stated he wasn’t into kids. No doubt doesn’t want any of his own. In this flip side Debbie, yes! Exit this relationship and get a guy who can accept you and your kid. Men always do as we allow. Sam keeps hooking up with women who have kids knowing he is not into kids. On flip side,bDebbie ought let Sam go, get the guy who wants what she wants. Be patient, I say date around till she finds him.

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