Does My Ex-Girlfriend Still Want Me Back or Is She Just Using Me?

Does My Ex-Girlfriend Still Want Me Back or Is She Just Using Me

Dear Evan,
My girlfriend and I started dating in August of 2007. We became really close, not just to each other, but to each other’s friends and family as well. We talked on the phone at least 4 times a day, and nothing seemed to be holding us back. That was until early June, when she told me didn’t want a boyfriend anymore, because she wanted to enjoy her last summer of nursing school without having to “check in” with a boyfriend.

We didn’t see each other for a week, then she invited me to her sister’s house to watch the College World Series, and when we were leaving, she made out with me. We started seeing each other again, almost every day, and it was as if we were still dating, minus intimacy. We still talk on the phone multiple times a day and go out to parties and events together. We also attend church together every Sunday. She even talks about my future-whether I will be married or have children and whether or not she’ll be my wife and their mother. However, still, there’s NO intimacy beyond just a kiss on the lips.

To make matters worse, I think she’s dating an old boyfriend named Ben. There have been several occasions where I’ve invited her to attend an event, and she couldn’t, only to later to find out that she was out with Ben. Even one of her friends has said she is dating Ben!

I just don’t get it….is she dating Ben?  Is she dating me?  Is just playing us both?  Is this the way she is with her close guy friends?  I am so confused.


If you, dear reader, have ever been this position – wondering where you stand with someone who seems to have feelings with you, but doesn’t really act on it – please click here.

Go to Search My Date-A-Base and look for these topics: If You’re Dating a Man Who Won’t Call, Commit, or Make an Effort For You. There are seven articles that deal with different variations on this question. All of the questions are from women, but, thanks to LJ, we can now add one from a man.

So here’s the deal, bro:

The only two people who are confused are you and your ex. She’s confused and is sending mixed signals. You’re confused because she’s sending mixed signals. But, from the outside, it’s pretty clear what’s going on.

You may have a piece of her heart, but you don’t have her respect right now.

You’re her best friend, and even if she doesn’t see herself marrying you, she definitely doesn’t want to lose her best friend. She also knows that you are hung up on her, and that you will do whatever she asks. This gives her way too much power over you – and, for what it’s worth – doesn’t make you any more attractive to her. You may have a piece of her heart, but you don’t have her respect right now.

Just as clearly, you don’t even have respect for yourself right now. Which is why you’re willing to talk on the phone multiple times a day, go to church together, and put up with her seeing her ex-boyfriend – and STILL not be angry enough to walk away.

In short, she’s using you. Not because she’s an evil person. Not because she doesn’t care about you or wish you the best. Nope. She’s using you because she CAN. She’s using you because you LET her. She’s using you because she’d rather have you in her life on HER terms and hope that you’ll put up with it. She’s using you because people are inherently selfish and will invariably do what’s best for THEM.

So your ex gets to keep her best friend, confidante, and church buddy; she gets to mess around with other guys on the side; she gets to keep your undying love and devotion – and she doesn’t have to give ANYTHING up. What’s her incentive to stop talking with you every day? That’s right! There IS none.

That’s why expecting her to give up the benefits of her relationships with both you and Ben is foolish. As long as you are cool with being used, you get the relationship you deserve. A relationship with a woman who has so little respect for you that she’ll see her ex-boyfriend publicly, and still hint to you that you two may be married one day.

She’s using you because you LET her.

You claim to be confused, LJ, but really, that’s a smokescreen. You need to recognize that a woman who loves you doesn’t date another guy, a woman who cares about you doesn’t keep you on the hook after you break up, a woman who wants you physically doesn’t keep things platonic.

And yet you ignore all this evidence and claim to be confused about your relationship.

I hope, after reading this, that you’re no longer confused.

I hope, after reading this, you’re angry.

I hope, after reading this, you move on.

Join our conversation (75 Comments).
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  1. 61
    Charlie Bones

    Inbetweener #33 wrote:
    “Pay no attention to the ignorant fools that think these things. Some of my “SUPER-EXTRA” ignorant friends think with their penis. They actually get upset when I turn down sex from an ex or just mutual female friends. (especially when it comes easy to me) It’s not that I don’t think they are attractive, I just don’t want to have sex with someone that has no problem “JUST” having sex for the sake of having it. Thing that they don’t realize is, just about anyone can get sex ANYWHERE. In my opinion, the desperate ones take what they can get. I prefer to pick and choose. Just goes to show the mentality of some humans.”
    So true, especially when you’re the one who got dumped and the other person is calling on you for the sex, but doesn’t want to have the relationship part of it.  You’re on call when they feel like it, but when you want it, they’ll be busy.  That’s what’s called ‘using’.  The user doesn’t see it that way because they’re the one in control.  If both parties are using each other, then yes, it’s not such a big deal.  But if one side is hoping for reconciliation and is giving sex while still in the ‘friend zone’, then forget it.  You’ll never get past being their part time lover.

  2. 62

    Interesting to read all the male opinions! You are so right on about “you can get sex anywhere!”  When I date, I now try to get to know the person first.  Just enjoying the little perks and having some kind of a courtship is really FUN.  You should try it and avoid STDs from the bed-hoppers. Seems a lot nicer when you’re hooking up with someone who wants to BE THERE WITH YOU and not thinking about someone else in the meantime or who is the next lucky guy. Big difference.
    I think that woman gave the guy a big favor. She was specific about not rejecting him, just wanting the “I want to be free” time. So, guy, it’s about TIMING, not you. Don’t take it personally. She’s not ready for a full time BF.  If you are, move fwd and find someone who IS ready. Girls are complaining all the time about not finding men for boyfriends!

  3. 63
    Past Experience

    Owe come on now. This girl is using you to MAX! DUMP HER DUMP HER DUMP HER.
    Here is my worst experience. In 1979 at 18 I dated a 16 year old. I was a bit naive at that time with the chick games. Everything seemed like it was OK in the beginning. She told me she was virgin on our first date. Her friend who tagged along reconfirmed her statement for some odd reason. About a month or two later she started asking me if I cared if she went out with other guys. Before I could answer she said there was enough of her to go around and it would only be for a couple of hours. I thought she was kidding around at first so I said nothing waiting for the punch line. This went on at least once a week the entire month of June and July. By mid June I thought maybe she was serious about other guys. Two different times the second half of June I said I did not want her to go out with other guys. Both times she said that I did not own her. By July I just gave up and told her that I could not stop her. During this two month period she frequently called me a fool and claimed she had better than me. Having better than me could not have the sex since there was never any sex. I decided early on if she was virgin not to pressure her and wait for her to decide when. One night I told her I did not think she was a virgin because of how she acted. She said she better clean up her act. She never came out and admitted the virgin claim was a lie. I still suspected she lied to me about it. In July she started telling me she was not going to know me anymore during an annual event at the end of July. Every time I asked her why she refused to say. I thought this was a her way of breaking up with me so when I ran into her at the event I ignored her as though she did not exist. Her friend found my later that night and took me to talk to her. Her only words to me were no twice. I said well you are the one who said you would not know me anymore. She walked away and then I walked away. I got ripping drunk slamming many beers down. I ran into a dark haired girl and her two blond friends. The dark haired girl grabbed my hand and dragged me around the annual event. I must have hurled the beer 5 times with her and her friends. They dragged me to a party downtown and we all sat on the floor of bathroom smoking cigarettes and smelling each others hair. These girls played a game where they smell other peoples hair to guess at what shampoo was used. The dark haired girl that was clinging to me guessed every bodies correct. Anyway I passed out a couple of hours later. The next morning I was told she had sex with some of the other people at the party. Somebody gave my a ride home. I never got the girls name and never saw her again.
    A couple of month later I saw my X walking out of Kmart with her mother. She had a pretty light colored ribbon in her hair. I finally got the nerve to call her. In less than two minutes she went back into the going out with other guys thing and hung up on me. I tried to call her several times over the next several months with similar results getting hung up on and the dating other guys. I just finally gave up.
    I had been been body building for well over a year by that point. Anyway I went to Florida for a while and really started body building heavy. When I got back from Florida I ran into her on July 4th. Her and a friend were going to a show and she said she would see me later. I said probably not. I had no car, no job, and no money. I could not afford myself let alone a girlfriend. I continued to body build the next year. Here I am with a golden bronze tan, extremely well cut body with about a 26 inch waste, starting college, and I run into her again in a park. I simply ignored just like the previous event. I think she still wanted to see me since she came up to me. After hearing others talk about taking turns with her I did not want her anymore. Interesting after saying no and ignoring her I heard about her many boyfriends very frequently. They made it as though she was sexing it up with all my friends. Anyway while I was at the local college and found out I was branded genius level by many instructors. I have looks, body, and brains. Many other girls wanted to be with me. I actually saw her sitting on the grass in front of the main school building one day. She may have been taking classes there but I was not sure. I was going to say something to her but I thought maybe she wanted to be alone. That was the last time I ever saw her.
    In my experience 99 percent of the time when you break up it is over. The best thing is to heal the wounds and move on. I have am not sure how many times I have been dumped then later they want me back but I would say it is best to just forget the X and go on.

  4. 64

    ..I agree with you, going back with her would be regressing, don’t want to do that….

  5. 65

    Just going through this with my ex, only I’m a woman.  Basically he dumped me because he suspected I was cheating (went through my phone, I wasn’t cheating).  Then we got back together, and I was helping him with a few legal things (I’m a law clerk).  But things started changing and he became distant at which point I found out he was still online dating and in fact, he’d had a profile up the entire time.  So, I ended it and he insisted we were never really back together.   We kind of stayed in touch as friends and I was being a supportive friend with one of his legal matter but he kept on trying to get me to help him out with his other legal issue.  Whenever I said no, he’d have a temper tantrum claiming I promised him to help.  I didn’t promise anything and as I explained to him our relationship was over and our friendship is barely on life support because I hadn’t seen him in months.  Besides, he has a lawyer, he’s just trying to save a few bucks.  NOT MY PROBLEM.  Final straw was when he said he’s not interested in any kind of serious relationship, marriage or living together.  He told me “Good luck finding someone to marry” and then turned around the next day to ask me AGAIN to help him with his legal stuff.  I gave him a piece of my mind and he then proceeded to call me psycho etc. etc. 
    I have no desire to ever speak to him again.  Sadly, I had grown attached to his kids.  Yeah, never, ever again.

  6. 66

    She has you where she wants you. I’m going through the same thing. 1 month, woman have a hard time letting go, they think they’ve done something wrong, because they probably did, but they will never ever tell you. So they pull you back because they feel guilty or selfish. The more you act like you have other things happening and talk less they hate tht and run back everytime. Just be strong and stay strong.

  7. 67


    Believe Steve.  I am somewhat ashamed but not all the way, to say that I have done this to a guy like you before.  I was young and immature.  Immature people don’t always understand the total implications of their actions and are typically more selfish than the person they become as they age.  I have lead guys on like this because I 1) didn’t want to be alone if I chose not to be 2) needed to feel wanted and attractive 3) knew I could get away with it.  It was wrong and done with hardly any regard.  In fact, if someone let me  treat them this way, the less respect I had for them until I practically had none.

    Later I met a guy that practically did the same thing to me.  He was really into me or so it seemed but he didn’t want a relationship because he had just gotten out of a relationship (it had been less than a year, but long enough in my opinion).  I decided I wanted more and told him so.  He said that he didn’t want anything with anyone.  Therefore I decided that I was ready for a relationship, and actually got one (that, granted, was not the one I wanted with him).  He wanted to continue being friends, and hanging out and even “with benefits”.  Since I was dating this other person, I stopped the “benefits”, then decided that it wasn’t fair to this new person for me to even be hanging around with this guy…after all, he knew how I felt but still wanted my company.  So I stopped all contact.  It was difficult and heart breaking, but I decided to focus on this new relationship (with a loser that I found out later did drugs, had them in my house, and lied about it).  While deciding what I wanted to do with this new relationship, this guy called me up out of the blue several months later.  He said he didn’t like not having me around and missed me and invited me to his company Christmas party.  I promptly declined stating that my new boyfriend wouldn’t appreciate that.  That’s when he came clean and said it wasn’t about the Christmas party, it was about the fact that he couldn’t stand seeing me happy with someone else, was feeling sick all the time, found himself constantly looking at pictures of me with this new guy on Facebook and wanted to be with me in a relationship.  I listened and said, “well that’s nice but I’m not the same girl that would have given you that consideration six months ago.  I respect myself enough not to be treated like that and there are people out there that do care about me enough to snag the opportunity to be with me the first chance they got and never let go”.  He explained more of his feelings and I (still in love with him), told him, if you want to be in a relationship with me, you are a man, you will figure out how to be with me.  I didn’t offer any suggests, scold him on what he did wrong in the past or tell him what to do now.  If he wanted me and deserved me, it was on HIM to figure out how to get to me…no more of me going to him!  A week later, he figured it out, told me that he loved me and was 100% a different person towards me.  The difference wasn’t him.  It was me.  This time, I respected myself and expected nothing less from him.  If he didn’t, I was perfectly willing to walk away and never look back, and this time, he knew it because I had shown it with my actions.  We ended up married and he has never looked at me with anything less than love and respect because he knows that I have that for myself.

    Typically your situation doesn’t work out.  IF and that’s a BIG IF, anything were to ever work out, it would only happen if you truly changed your situation with her, started respecting yourself, and be perfectly willing to walk away out of respect for yourself.  Until you see yourself as worthy of real love and a real devoted relationship, no one else will either.

  8. 68

    I personally think that you should do the opposite of what you do cuz no matter what you say it’s really about what you see and feel on your vibes if you both give off the same Vibe obviously there’s something there you have to be able to analyze a woman up and down facial expressions eye contact and different variables women are genetically sophisticated and what you say,do and how you act in particular situations they’re either doing it for their good intentions of you or they’re doing it for their own self reasons sometimes they can use your own habits thoughts and acts against you for their own self game this is a powerful weapon that can be used to manipulate men but that’s only if they have bad intentions if she has good intentions you will be able to tell the difference. So the simplest thing you can do is not act on what she expects make other plans or tell her you’re busy make the situation unusual to her see how far it will take you because in the end you will see if she really does have true feelings for you or she’s just scared that her plan might fail whatever that might be most people will probably say that this is not good advice but if she’s playing you it doesn’t mean that you can’t do what you want to do because she does not control you she can be wasting your time when you can be enjoying your time with someone better so who is to say what about your situation this is a two-way street nothing hurts more than the truth will find out for yourself hope this helps

  9. 69

    This seems hauntingly accurate and I’m honestly a bit numb…I’m definitely angry, especially at her, but also at myself for not having enough self respect to lay down boundaries and stop putting up with her bullshit. I am a fool, but may I never be so blind again.

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