I Find Most Men Unattractive. What’s Wrong With Me?

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I find the vast, vast, vast majority of men unattractive. Mostly it’s that I don’t have any physical attraction to them, but once in a while (about twice a year if I’m on a lot of dating sites, or once every few years if I’m not), I’ll meet someone I actually think is good looking (a hint here is that I find most celebrities physically unattractive, apparently my sex drive is picky but I couldn’t tell you why – although I DO have a high sex drive…).

However, I’m also aware having been through a lot of therapy after numerous and significant mental health difficulties (eating disorders etc.) that I tend to date cold or unavailable men and then not ask for more and maintain that emotional distance – essentially, I seem to have been in a habit of avoiding intimacy by going out with people I don’t find attractive, or more often than I’d like to admit, men who I know are gay before I even ask them out…otherwise they’re narcissistic or give mixed messages, or aren’t close in some way etc.

Knowing that I have that pattern, I made a promise to myself to pick up on coldness whenever I find someone attractive and to walk away. And that is something I do – I look specifically for empathy. And guess what…on those very rare occasions when the idea of kissing/sleeping with someone is not downright unappealing, they’re cold and narcissistic, and so I walk away.

Now to be honest, I’m not too bothered about finding someone in the next couple of years, I’m still young at 28 and my career is my priority right now, so I’m not in too much of a hurry, but the reason why it’s been bothering me is that I’m actually starting to worry that my family messed me up so much I’ll never be able to love anyone. I’m therapied out and no longer diagnosable – I’ve made a massive recovery and feel extremely healthy – so I don’t think more therapy is going to suddenly make me find more men attractive.

I have tried being with people I don’t find attractive – and I usually remain friends with very nice men I have tried to date but didn’t find attractive, and I’m afraid they don’t start growing on me. They just become my friend.

Have you come across this and do you think the reason I find so many men physically unappealing is because of something psychological? Some of my friends think it’s do with the bar being raised…I’m quite attractive myself and I’ve had a lot of attention from the opposite of sex since I was about 13, including the “very good looking”, so perhaps it’s just knowing what I could have and that that’s influencing me?

SG

I feel for you, SG. I do. After all of your therapy, you are as self-aware as you can be, and yet it still seems to me that you have some significant blind spots about your problem.

Now, first of all, I want to make it crystal clear: you are not alone. Women, on the whole, are far more discerning than men when it comes to physical attraction. In the linked OkCupid study, women think that 80% of men are BELOW average in attractiveness, when, in a normal distribution, that number should be 50%. I’m not going to say whether these women are right, although THEY certainly feel they are. I will say that men, for all their flaws, are equal opportunity daters in a way that women are not. While they will still lust for the hottest woman around, they’ll ultimately marry someone in their league, which, empirically, is not always that attractive.

Men, for all their flaws, are equal opportunity daters in a way that women are not.

Your issue, however, is a little more extreme, and reminds me of a client I had a few years back. Very attractive woman — a 43-year-old personal trainer who hated online dating for the very reason you mentioned. No one was attractive enough for her. When we went through the website to take inventory, I asked her to put 40 guys on her favorites list. She couldn’t even do so. The only 6 guys she found attractive looked like 32-year-old GQ models whose preferred age range was 22-29. My client was pretty much out of luck because she found less than 1% of men attractive, including NO men her own age who wanted her in return.

Let’s just say that this wasn’t one of my success stories.

And this is where we bump up against one of my limitations of a coach. I’m not a psychologist who has been trained to delve into your past; my specialty is helping women in the present model confident behavior to elicit better results in the future. Your issue, in this instance, isn’t lack of confidence; it’s something that runs much deeper, something you only hinted at when you say that your family “messed you up.” Without knowing you, I have to concur.

Just read what you wrote to me:

“(I) avoid intimacy by going out with people I don’t find attractive.”

Sorry, but I want to challenge that assertion. You avoid intimacy by going out with people you DO find attractive — because the only people you find attractive are, in your words, “cold and narcissistic.”

That begins in your childhood, SG, usually with an absent, distant, or abusive father.

And so it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. The only men you’re drawn to are the worst ones; the other 99%, you eliminate because you’re not attracted to them.

There’s being discerning, and there’s being impossible, and you’ve unfortunately raised the bar so high that no man can jump it.

You seem to be somewhat aware of this when you state that you walk away from emotionally distant men — and yet you claim they’re the only people you sleep with, since the “vast, vast, vast” majority of men are unattractive to you.

And here you are, writing to me, wondering if you will ever be able to love anyone.

You have every right to worry.

I can’t “fix” you from here, but I can tell you that something is very wrong if you only find 2 people attractive “every few years.” There’s being discerning, and there’s being impossible, and you’ve unfortunately raised the bar so high that no man can jump it.

You are attracted to the wrong men for reasons beyond your control. You need to rewire yourself on what it means to be in a healthy relationship. And if it means you have to dial down your attraction from a 10 to a 7, in order to find an emotionally healthy guy, that’s a price well worth paying.

That may sound awful to you on two counts: 1) you refuse to compromise on chemistry, and 2) you don’t think that a 7 chemistry actually exists. For you, it’s all or nothing. I believe you.

But that’s not normal, it’s not healthy, and it will leave you no dating options whenever you do decide to take your love life seriously again.

Get thee to a really good therapist. You’re worth the investment.

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Comments:

  1. 41
    Karen

    I wholeheartedly concur and feel the same way. I’m in my middle 50s and am only now coming to understand that I am bisexual without ever realizing it. I would have to say that I feel more of an attraction to most women than most men. The only men who do it for me are very tall and very manly. If they’re clean shaven and 5’10” or less… I end up feeling more masculine when I’m with them.

  2. 42
    May

    Hugs to the writer, she reminds me of me with the attraction to cold, distant guys.   Plus the self-awareness, it’s good to see that trait.   I wasn’t all that attracted to my last boyfriend of almost three years, he had a lot of extra body hair which creeped me out and was already balding at age 27, I even remember googling what to do if you aren’t attracted to someone that much physically (haha) but I kept going on dates with him and the more I liked his personality, I became more and more physically/sexually attracted to him very quickly. I remember even after we broke up last year and he stopped by to pick up more of his stuff to move out I stared at his face thinking, “Why do you have to be so freaking sexy? This break up would be so easier on me if you weren’t so damn hot.” I was still very in love with him but had to end things because his incredibly shallow and closed off emotional side.   Love is blind indeed I guess. From “Ew” to “Please be naked always.” Haha   Maybe women just have to give things more time for attraction to come around…

  3. 43
    DannyBNY

    I think that some of the men just do not know what kind of pictures to put  up.   I wish some of them would just smile. That always make people more attractive. The other thing   I don’t get are the damn sunglasses, am I the only one who notices  this. People’s eyes tell a lot about them and I liked to see them. The only thing that really turns me off is when people put pictures of them with their young children. I mean the pictures are nice, but I would never have a picture of my daughter on any dating website.   just a few thoughts

     

  4. 44
    chris

    Has this person ever questioned the possibility of being attracted to females instead of the opposite sex?

     

  5. 45
    Alpha Bat

    I don’t know how old this post is, maybe the date  was shown and I just missed it somehow? It’s 2016 now…….

    Sorry but my post is long. And it will probably still be misread and some parts taken wrong. If something sounds bad, please ask me about it. I don’t mean to be rude  to anyone except the hateful and mean people.

    TL;DR, Everyone is shallow and trying to date up (most failing bitterly).

    Anyway, stats taken by OKCupid relate to the users on the site, might not match up  much with real life. If women on OKCupid find 80% of the men unattractive, or below average then it could be that the guys’ profiles are somehow unappealing (generic, bad pictures, like someone previously mentioned a lot of guys seem to aim their profiles towards what men want), or that the site attracts less attractive guys. Or  that men in general are less attractive than women and put less effort into appearing attractive. Maybe none of those, or all of them. I  don’t know, just speculating based on studies I have read, and personal experiences.

    I recently read a study that suggested that men are 8% less attractive than women on average. This could be due to pressure by society for women to be attractive. Women put a lot more effort into how they look. Taking care of skin, hair, using makeup (which enhances features), finding cute outfits, anti-aging treatments and products, etc. Some men have said that women become less attractive when they are older, but that is due to socialization. If you looks at celebrities and compare men and women of the same ages, look at skin (wrinkles, sagging, discolouration, etc), hair condition (colour and volume), body type, etc and judge the traits of aging specifically. Women in general look younger for longer (usually not naturally, but that’s part of effort), even if many men do not find them attractive due to the stigma against women aging.

    Even now in 2016 women are mostly seen as appealing to men for their looks. OKCupid’s blog/stats page did show that men message women almost completely  based on looks and suggested that profile content (excluding photos) had nothing to do with which women  were messaged. Women are under a lot of pressure to be attractive, because throughout life it is taught by  society. It isn’t survival, or even biologically necessary due to technology and medicine, as well as with women being more self sufficient. And less attractive features do not denote disease as they used to.

    Men have given the reasoning that they are visual creatures, biology, etc. However, it doesn’t account for the man’s side. In nature men are also judged by different aspects. In humans it has been mainly men as providers (having money and a house/car, things to help take care of a family), and women for their fertility (youthful aspects). Why does a man who is unable to provide material stability feel he deserves a fertile young woman?

    In the old days women needed men for financial stability. Now that women are more likely than men to be educated, employed, own houses, buy cars, in the US, it is shifting things. The average woman is attractive, and gets a lot of attention on social media and IRL. Even below average looking women get attention online and IRL. Even overweight women (which online are made to seem like no one wants them) get attention. Women on average are more attractive than men, and more popular.

    To be fair, women are pretty much  as shallow as men. The difference is that women generally have more options. On OKCupid (according to their site) men message women 15% more attractive than they are, and women message men 10% more attractive than they are. If every man, including below average looking men, are messaging the top most attractive women, or if the average woman is more attractive than the average man, this could account for the amount of trouble  many guys experience during online dating.

    TV and movies have shown unattractive, non-rich men getting attractive women for so long that it leads to this feeling  where these specific guys  feel entitled to attractive women even without the ability to attract them. Online dating seems to attract a lot of those types of men who have a hard time even finding any sort of dates IRL, but then expect to find hot women online who will love them with minimal effort.

    Even many unattractive women have options offline. Women becoming more shallow and having more casual sex with attractive partners. It is also extremely easy for women to have sex. That could possibly explain the influx of fuck boys (many of whom are average or below looking) who pretend to want relationships with women in order to get laid. They trick women into thinking they want something serious, and then complain that women are sluts who have sex with too many  guys. They have to mislead (often by directly saying they want to have a relationship) women to get sex. Attractive guys don’t have to lie, women will have sex with them.

    Shallowness is increasing with the social media age. There appears to be  more attractive men now because more men are putting effort and taking selfies, and we live in a global society. Attractive people seem more plentiful because we are constantly seeing images of attractive people on our phones, advertisements, and videos. Social media makes these people feel more like us, and more accessible. These guys are  enhancing their attractive features and putting effort into looking good because the audience is vast. Beauty sells. YouTube celebrities with good hair, and nice skin (more men using makeup). Caring about fashion. They build up a fan base and make money. Just for being attractive and talking about stuff.

    There are a lot of women who think they can get an attractive, popular guy, because they are popular (even if they are average looking they get a lot of attention online). Although they don’t really have a chance since these guys are in high demand because they are extremely rare. So everyone is trying to date up, and feeling angry towards the opposite sex for either not measuring up to what our high standards (that we refuse to compromise on) dictate we are entitled to, or for measuring up and then not wanting us.

    If you watch Catfish the TV show you will see how shallow humans are. One thing I don’t really get is the people who lie because of their weight. Or refuse to be attracted to people of the same weight. Weight can be changed, for one thing. And the catfish are usually into the other person for their looks. “Why won’t they love me for me?” Really? You love them for their looks but they should love you for who you are?

    Now relating to the woman who originally posted, finally :O, I don’t get the impression she is a lesbian. Not finding many attractive people doesn’t mean you are gay.  She said she is attractive and I believe she mentioned she is capable of attracting hot guys who she does find physically attractive. The problem is that those rare hot guys probably do not want to settle down. It has a lot to do with demand (increases with social media), and the current dating culture (hook ups, tinder, fuck boys, etc). Attractive people don’t have to be nice or good, there is a bias towards attractive people (What is beautiful is good–read the studies if you have doubts) where their personalities are rated as positive without any indication those positive traits are actually true. We look for any sort of good trait to try to convince ourselves that we actually love the person for false positive traits rather than just shallowly loving their appearance.

    I see a lot of angry comments trying to blame the other gender for their dating issues. I have my own issues and biases due to harassment I experience online. I know it must show in my post. I really am referring to those angry hateful men who attack women just for existing (existing in a way that isn’t for them). They go out of their way to attack, and/or try to “convert” men who don’t feel the same way. Some people get angry because they don’t want to accept reality, and someone laying it out there is a threat to their perfect world.

    We are all people, everyone should be treated with respect (until they act like a dick). We don’t have to be attracted to someone, or date someone, just respect them. You don’t even have to be nice to them, just don’t be a dick.

    If each of us is having problems dating who we want to date, then we either put more effort, or accept that we should date people who are not as hot as we think we deserve.

     

    I hope that covered everything……..

    1. 45.1
      Al

      *Mic drop*. Holy crap. That was awesome! You covered the entire spectrum in one post. In fact, I think you condensed every one of my comments across multiple threads into here plus some things I forgot. Please post more. I’d love to see you interject over on the “Why women in their 30s don’t want to date men in their 40s” blog post. We could use your help.

      1. 45.1.1
        Alpha Bat

        😮

        Thank you for saying that. Even with such a long post it is still really diluted. I read/have read a lot of journals on  social psychology. I always felt that behaviours did not match up to what “society” says. People want to believe in a perfect world where having a good personality, or trying harder means you will  succeed.

        Apparently dating someone average means settling. This is the problem in society right now.

        Hmm, I will have to check out the other blog post and see if I can say anything helpful. But I also feel that men at 40 seem old. If I can date attractive guys in their early 20’s (whether I want to or not), why would I want to date guys older than me  who are in their 40’s?

        It should be pretty much the same. People trying to date up, and over estimating their own value. Although there is stigma against older women online, IRL a lot of older women have no problem attracting men, especially younger men. Older woman, younger man  is also trending.

        The older men who are bitter and complaining about it (older women being expired and unattractive) do so because they don’t have the experience. They don’t respect women enough as people to spend time with them and see how real life women are. They see TV and movies showing a misleading view instead of seeing how these women actually live IRL. And IRL a lot of these guys would probably judge the women’s ages as lower than they actually are.

        ———

        Okay, I checked out that post and put a comment there. Another long one. You might not find it because that post was sooooo popular. So much hate and anger. It’s crazy how entitled some people are, even when they lack the means.

    2. 45.2
      Tyrone

      TL;DR, Everyone is shallow and trying to date up (most failing bitterly).
      Very much accurate
      Anyway, stats taken by OKCupid relate to the users on the site, might not match up  much with real life.
      True, but some think that the added attention received on the dating sites makes some feel that they are more attractive than they may actually be. I watched a woman going through her OKCupid inbox and complaining about the goofy and ugly looking men that were wasting their time trying to get with her. Not complaining about dick pics. Or sexually charged messages. She actually said the messages were fine.
      Or  that men in general are less attractive than women and put less effort into appearing attractive.
      What one woman considers attractive may not work for another woman or even for the man himself. I see women dating men that wear skinny jeans and button up shirts with extra short sleeves. I assume that those women feel that those men are well dressed. I would never, ever wear something like that. So women that are into that might feel that I don’t take as much pride in my appearance.
      Women put a lot more effort into how they look. Taking care of skin, hair, using makeup (which enhances features), finding cute outfits, anti-aging treatments and products,  etc.
      I would agree that men put less time into looking attractive, but I don’t know if I would go so far as to call it less effort on the whole. Unless you are saying men don’t buy clothes and suits, use cologne, use lotion, use hair care products, cut/trim/dye hair and/or beards, etc.
      Many men do not find them attractive due to the stigma against women aging.
      I think some would play the biology card here and say she “appears” to be less fertile. There are some guys out there that are salty about being rejected and don’t like that these now older women are willing to date them at this time. But there are plenty of us out there that have no issue with a woman aging, as all humans do.
      Even now in 2016 women are mostly seen as appealing to men for their looks.  
      I’d say they appeal to other women. Cosmo, Vogue, woman’s clothing ads, underwear ads, females in movies targeted at females.
      OKCupid’s blog/stats page did show that men message women almost completely  based on looks.
      I rarely received any messages when I was on OKCupid. Women would look at my profile, but typically would not respond. I’d only write to women that took the time to flesh out their profile and if I felt I’d be compatible with them based on interests, chemistry answers, etc. Are you saying that none of those women passed me by because of my looks? I’ll see “no blacks” on a profile or write a woman and she will respond by saying “sorry I don’t date black guys.” Are they not making a judgment based on looks?
      Women are under a lot of pressure to be attractive, because throughout life it is taught by  society.
      Often taught by other women in society.
      Men have given the reasoning that they are visual creatures, biology, etc.
      People are visual creatures. Not sure why this is played up for men and dismissed for women.
      However, it doesn’t account for the man’s side. In nature men are also judged by different aspects. In humans it has been mainly men as providers (having money and a house/car, things to help take care of a family), and women for their fertility (youthful aspects). Why does a man who is unable to provide material stability feel he deserves a fertile young woman?
      Why does a woman that is infertile, or has kids from a previous relationship and doesn’t want to have any more, feel that she deserves a well off man that will provide? There are too many feelings about deserving things going around. I’ve never had the notion that I “deserve” a good woman. I would like to meet a good woman and do things as a good man, which will (hopefully) convince her to stick around.
      To be fair, women are pretty much  as shallow as men. The difference is that women generally have more options.
      100%
      If every man, including below average looking men, are messaging the top most attractive women, or if the average woman is more attractive than the average man, this could account for the amount of trouble  many guys experience during online dating.
      It could, but I don’t think that it does. I feel that is another logical trap — guys are messaging only the women that are “above average” thus they are having issues. I’ve sent messages to women of various heights, weights, races, ages, religions and appearances. It didn’t matter so much to me as long as I felt that we could potentially enjoy chatting about some of the items we have in common and have fun on a date. But, as most men will tell you, the response rate from women is very low. As women will sometimes say here, they don’t find the majority of men writing them to be attractive.
      TV and movies have shown unattractive, non-rich men getting attractive women for so long that it leads to this feeling  where these specific guys  feel entitled to attractive women even without the ability to attract them.
      Someone has never seen a Tyler Perry movie. Here is the plot of them all. Super broke woman and her 4 kids are having a hard time. The woman meets some rich Rick Fox/Terry Crews looking dude that is really into her. But because she has been hurt by men in the past, she is very mean and stand offish. But the guys doesn’t care that this woman is treating him like shit for being interested and trying to help her and her kids by   giving them rides and setting up connections with colleagues, teaches, mentors for them to pursue their young dreams. Finally after an hour and a half or so onscreen bitchiness, she lets the guy in and they live happily ever after. I’ve hear many a women tell me they are waiting for this. Have you see this on any profiles: “If you can’t handle me at my worst, than you don’t deserve me at my best.” What a terrible thing to say to someone that doesn’t know you, but could potentially be interested. Do men’s profile’s say “Don’t message me if you aren’t a c-cup or above” because I see plenty of female profiles with specific height limitations. If you feel like the entitlement is strong with these guys, I am going to have to say that it is equally strong with the women.
      Even many unattractive women have options offline.
      Women have options because they have vaginas. There were some posts refuting that women could get a man whenever they wanted. I would say that women (any women) can have SEX whenever she wants. This isn’t the same as getting a man — maybe you could call it getting a man for a night. But the stipulation to getting sex whenever you want it is that it may not be with anyone that you necessarily want. Say I wanted to have sex right now. I go on PoF and shoot out some messages asking for sex later. Then I go out to a bar or club to try to meet a lady. 99.9999% chance of fail on PoF. Chance of sex tonight from a woman at the places I spend time at is also very low. So I lose. Woman wants to have sex right now. She goes on PoF — there are probably dick pics and sexual solicitations in her inbox. Not saying that women should just sleep with anyone or anything even close to that. It’s just that some men, particularly those that may be sexually frustrated, wish they had an option like that.
      That could possibly explain the influx of fuck boys (many of whom are average or below looking) who pretend to want relationships with women in order to get laid.
      Not sure which meaning of fuck boy you are using. I’ll assume that you mean a womanizer or a player since you said they are just pretending to want relationships for sex. If that is what you mean, it’s not new.
      They have to mislead (often by directly saying they want to have a relationship) women to get sex.  
      Sometimes women just have sex with shitty men. They don’t even always have to lie.
      Attractive guys don’t have to lie, women will have sex with them.
      Sometimes women just have sex with shitty men that happen to be attractive. They don’t even always have to lie.
      Attractive people seem more plentiful because we are constantly seeing images of attractive people on our phones, advertisements, and videos. Social media makes these people feel more like us, and more accessible.  
      I don’t think this at all, but when I read it, I wondered if other people probably feel this way. I pretty much feel that most women (since I look at/date women) are average. As I walk around doing day to day activities, I see average looking women. Every once in a while, I see a woman that I take a closer look at and say “she is pretty cute.” Then there are those rare instances where I do a double or triple take at a woman and just think “Damn!” I feel that the rarity is the same on the other end of the spectrum. Sometimes I see a woman and thing “she is kind of unfortunate looking.” And on rare occasions you that woman that makes you do a double take, not due to hotness, but because it’s just that bad.
      If you watch Catfish the TV show you will see how shallow humans are.
      I was brave/stupid enough to meet a woman that had no picture once. It was a man. Not a transsexual or anything like that — just a man.
      Or refuse to be attracted to people of the same weight.
      This. I have a female friend that, at just under 300lbs, refused to date any man even close that. She initially gave all kinds of bullshit reasons: two fat people can’t have sex, we’ll eat too much. Why do I have to date someone fat just because I’m fat? Eventually she admitted that she just didn’t find fat men attractive. I have a fat female co-worker that has a tiny husband. Sometimes she complains that she feels unfeminine standing next to him because he is so short and thin, that is makes her feel extra huge. We had an actual conversation about it one day and I said that she really only had a few options:
      Lose weight — To which she responded “F that I am lazy and I love pizza.”
      Date a man bigger than you — To which she responded “Ewww.”
      Become a lesbian — To which she responded “Women are crazy.”
      I have been told to my face by women that weigh significantly more than I am that I was too fat for them.
      If each of us is having problems dating who we want to date, then we either put more effort, or accept that we should date people who are not as hot as we think we deserve.
       
      You said it!

  6. 46
    TheSeriousTruth

    Well then again we do have many women that are gay today unfortunately.

  7. 47
    SG

    Huh….I guess I wrote this letter when upset?  I came across this site Googling something  unrelated (but inevitably stumbled across my very own words!) and with no offense intended to the host I have no memory of writing this nor visiting this site.

    But that bizarreness aside, I just wanted to thank both the host here and the commenters for the advice. I have actually thought about this a lot over the last year or so since I wrote the letter and decided three  things for myself:

    1) I have always dated for status and never love, which is why I went for  only the hottest guys. This isn’t a good reason to date, which was a large part of why I stopped doing so.

    2) I’m a bit freaked out about the idea of being in a real relationship and have no motivation to be in one.

    3) I tend to write people off very quickly, finding something wrong with them that doesn’t suit me – which is convenient if you’re freaked out by the idea of close relationships.

    I think several people here touched on all of that, and EMK was correct to say that my relationship  with my father is not close (though not abusive either, I was clearly in a mood when I wrote the letter, things are not THAT bad….) We speak about four times a year and I think we’re both fine with that, we’ve never really had a strong bond.

    At the end of the day, I eventually decided on this issue that I was worrying about it because it doesn’t seem “normal” and also because I had always envisioned having children. But that, as I alluded in the letter, I have no interest really in being with another person. I have decided to relax about it and see what happens. Try not to write people off quite so quickly but also not force myself into something I quite obviously just don’t want to do. I’ve been single for a few years and it’s never actually upset me to be alone, so perhaps it’s just something that I don’t want right now. Things change, I will cross this bridge when I come to it.

    But anyway, I hope all this advice here can help others  too. I do think it’s a mental health issue, and that counselling is a good call for anyone in my position. I am returning to therapy for other MH issues anyway so this may be something we can touch on.

    Oh and to settle debate, unfortunately I have zero attraction to women, so that particular outlet is not for me 🙂

  8. 48
    Sam

    I only find 1 or 2 men a year attractive too! I’m not attracted to women and my dad was not abusive – I can’t help thinking that men just don’t bother to make an effort. I have grown to be more attracted to someone but only once! I’ve tried dating all sorts. I was married at 31 to a man I was attracted to but it didn’t work out – I’ve been on several dating sites and get a lot of interest but just don’t find more than 1 in 100 appealing in any way shape or form! Do I need therapy or do all women need to make men work harder as it seems they get the best deal here!

    1. 48.1
      Emily, the original

      Sam,

      I only find 1 or 2 men a year attractive too!

      I have that same problem,too. I might find about 5 guys a year who I come into contact with through work or being out and about attractive. That doesn’t mean I’m attracted enough to go to bed with them, though. With one or two, the answer is no, with another one or two, I am on the fence and with the fifth, it’s a definitive yes, but at my age, he’s almost certainly not available. I’m not sure what to do about it. It’s hard to get excited about a man you’re on the fence about.

  9. 49
    Danny

    While I’m a gay guy, I totally relate to this woman.   The standard for men vs. women in our society is simply not fair. Men are allowed to be heavy set, hairy and unkempt as long as they are “good providers”. Furthermore, I think after generations and generations of women being held to a higher standard then men natural selection has made them more beautiful, but men get a free pass. It’s both cultural and genetic. Some people are willing to settle for someone who is a 6 or 7 but like this woman I don’t feel that I’m attracted to most men. I’m not particularity attracted to women either, but unless a Zac Efron who I’m intellectually and emotionally compatible with throws himself on me tomorrow, I honestly might be better off trying to mold my sexuality towards women. Women at least care a little about their appearance.

    1. 49.1
      Tyrone

      Men are allowed to be heavy set, hairy and unkempt as long as they are “good providers”.
      Are you saying that no men have fat/frumpy girlfriends or wives? You may want to go outside and take a look around.
      I think after generations and generations of women being held to a higher standard than men natural selection has made them more beautiful.
      I think men are lees picky in the looks department when I comes to choosing a mate. Are there any men saying they are not attracted to any women ever? Or only attracted to 1-5 a year? Also, there are many items that women use to augment the way they look: spanx, wonderbra, high heels, stockings, make-up, etc. One could say that she is putting effort into her appearance. Another could say that she is intentionally lying about her appearance. I personally fall somewhere in the middle — probably closer to the “it’s a lie” side. I want to see what a woman really looks like when I meet her.
      But men get a free pass.
      Free pass? I haven’t this free pass. I am going to list all of the reasons (physical appearance wise) that women have stated directly to me as to why the will not go on a date with me:
      I am not over 6’
      I am too fat
      I am not muscular enough
      I am black
      I looked like an ex
      I don’t have a beard
      I need more tattoos
      I wear glasses
      My clothes don’t match whatever the in style is
      I’m not particularity attracted to women either, but unless a Zac Efron who I’m intellectually and emotionally compatible with throws himself on me tomorrow, I honestly might be better off trying to mold my sexuality towards women.
      Holding out for a Zac Efron look alike isn’t very realistic.
      I honestly might be better off trying to mold my sexuality towards women. Women at least care a little about their appearance.
       
      Well you are a man. Do you not care about your appearance?

      1. 49.1.1
        janon2000

        Tyrone,

         

        Just want to say you are the man my friend.   Your posts are thoughtful and reasonable and, I think, represent the frustrations of the average guy perfectly without placing blame of becoming offensive.

        One thing you said that is worth reiterating…

        Nearly ALL of the female posters here are agreeing that most men are unattractive,   women are more attractive then men and they see 3 guys a year they consider BORDERLINE.

        It would be nearly *impossible* to find *any* straight guy who would say *any* of that about women.

        Not sure where this leaves us as a species, but I suspect it is the result of evolutionary biology meeting rapid shift in gender roles brought on by rapidly changing modern social structure.    Evolution isn’t able to keep up.

        I guess the next generation will all be the product of Nordic gods procured from sperm banks.

        1. Michelle

          There are many women who settle for men that they arent truly physically attracted to…and then later their husbands complain that their wives don’t want sex…hmmm….

          But really, I don’t think women are being shallow. This is how we are WIRED! We are not meant to find most men attractive. The success of the species depends on this! We are the ones who SCREEN partners. Men on the whole are less discriminating. Successful mating for them is getting laid. Successful mating for women is finding a partner they find attractive, who works hard and treats them well, bonding with that partner, and then creating offspring that they both raise to be healthy and highly productive. This means you weed and weed and weed out men. It starts subconsciously, then is a visceral response, and lastly you rationalize  it. On a gut level, we are seeking longterm pair-bonding with someone who will be a good partner to produce healthy offspring.

          This happens even if we don’t want kids or are past a child bearing age. It’s just our nature.

          Instead of being insulted as a man, just think that everytime a woman DOES find you attractive, that is SPECIAL. You are rare to her. You beat out like 99 other men because she is probably attracted to 1% or less men. The problem is many men take this for granted. They may have their eye out for someone just a bit more attractive or a bit younger or whatever. I think they think the pickiness of women is similar – it is not. It is really a matter of there being attraction at all, not finding someone attractive but wanting to sample more. This is why many women get so quickly hung up on a man they just met when they actually find him attractive.

          As a woman, it is frustrating to not find many men attractive. There are good guys out there that just don’t do it for you and you wish they did. You feel they deserve someone passionate about them, not someone who settles for them. Then, when you do find a man attractive, but he doesn’t return it, is not a good guy, doesn’t want to commit, etc, it is extra frustrating because that attraction is so rare for you. But when it works out, this makes women very committed and passionate in their relationships.

          To add to it, telling women to focus less on attraction kind of trivializes our sexuality. On the one hand, men say they want passionate women who love sex, then in the next breath complain that women are too picky. If we put aside our attraction as an important factor in choosing a mate, then we are denying ourselves and men the full extent of our sexuality.

  10. 50
    Claire

    Men are unattractive. I’m a straight lady and I can tell you there’s a reason men don’t wear make up and women don’t watch porn : the male body is ugly. It’s awkward, rough, crude, less evolved, knobbly, gangly you name it. It doesn’t matter because women are more evolved – unlike men we don’t animalistically focus on the flesh when we seek out a mate. We are programmed to be attracted to the personality, the sense of humour, the style of relationship, the unique interpersonal interaction, the look in the eyes etc.

    1. 50.1
      GoWiththeFlow

      Claire,

      Men are unattractive.”

      “. . . the male body is ugly.”

      Speak for yourself.   I and many other women find the male form beautiful.

    2. 50.2
      Buck25

      …”women are more evolved – unlike men   we don’t anomalistically focus on the flesh when we seek out a mate.”

      Claire,

      Now that I’ve stopped laughing… examples of evidence to the contrary are in plentiful   supply on this blog, and for that matter, in this very thread. If your statement were accurate there wouldn’t be any hot-looking male players treating women like disposable toys and getting away with it, much less being rewarded for bad behavior because of nothing more than being tall, good looking and having some superficial charm. The truth is,   the sexual attraction preferences of BOTH genders   are heavily skewed toward the visual; that’s not right, wrong, or more or less “evolved”, it’s just fact. Were it not, we wouldn’t even be having the present discussion; if woman’s attraction preferences were solely based on “…the personality, the sense of humor, the style of relationship, the unique personal interaction, the look in the eyes etc.”,   I feel pretty sure we wouldn’t have  any instances of women over forty lusting after a twenty-something guy with a handsome face and “buns of steel”, now would we? What you really mean, is that women are socialized to SAY they’re overwhelmingly attracted to a man’s “inner qualities”: perhaps for many women, that bit of hypocrisy is more comfortable than admitting that women are sexual beings with their own “animalistic” urgings; it’s a nice cover for hiding sexual shame and insecurity behind a facade of supposed “moral superiority”; I mean after all, the woman who openly owns her “inner slut” (most women have one) can’t very well imagine herself so morally superior to her male counterpart, now can she? I would say, that if you actually completely believe that last sentence in your post, you would most likely be one or more of the following:

      (a) Eighty years old

      (b) a latent lesbian,

      (c) a religious fanatic

      (d) asexual

      (e) unable to attract a man you find sexually appealing

      (f) simply ashamed of your own sexuality, sexually repressed, and projecting the blame for all your internal discomfort onto men.

      I’d bet on (f) myself; it’s depressingly common. Now, kindly get off your moral high horse, because there is no “superior gender”.  Women are no better and no worse, no more or less “evolved”, than men, and that pedestal you think you’re standing on is composed of nothing more than thin air and wishful thinking.

       

  11. 51
    James

    Then again unfortunately many women are Gay nowadays.

    1. 51.1
      Ris

      Thank god for me

  12. 52
    RainbowGirl

    What if you’re simply not attracted to men at all ? It could simply be that you’re a lesbian but you still don’t understand your feelings. I know it’s really hard to be Honestly with yourself, but when you can finally do that, you’ll feel much better.

  13. 53
    Christine

    A lot of it is that men simply aren’t that attractive. They almost all wear the same jeans, plaid shirt, bad haircut, white socks (ew), and cheap chemical-ly cologne en masse. They’re less empathetic, hygenic (when polled, North American males admitted to changing their bed sheets only twice a year on average), communicative, and socially and environmentally aware than women. Women like men that stand out from the crowd. Most men try to be as plain as possible.

    1. 53.1
      janon2000

      Utterly preposterous…

       

      Most *people in general* do not “stand out from the crowd” *by definition*

      You, like the woman who has declared “male bodies ugly and unevolved” have legitimate issues, sorry to say.

      If your main issue is socks, note that you can convince a guy to buy different ones.   Also, *millions* of pairs of colorful, black or grey socks are sold every year. To men. As are slacks. And different styles of shirt.

       

      Trying looking beyond your myopic confirmation bias.

      1. 53.1.1
        Christine

        My main issue is the lack of care and empathy and then the homogeneity. They tend to all look alike and eat terrible diets with horrible hygiene.   They often aren’t gifted at conversation and will introduce themselves in boring, boorish, overtly sexual, or even threatening ways in person or upon dating sites. I often find that men will behave in a selfish or aggressive manner that I find woefully unattractive. When there is a problem to sort out as a couple, I have often encountered that men will engage in stress reduction hobbies to not focus upon the obstacles and to distract them from the unpleasantness of the problem, while women will attempt to overcome the shared hardship by tackling the issues head-on. This often leaves the woman working far more as there are commonly shared hurdles in partnerships. The white socks are just a personal ew. If someone was lovely in personality and appearance otherwise I likely would care far less about certain more frivolous aspects. When I consider a man, I think, if I became pregnant, what would be the outcome? Would he stick around? Would he have good genes to pass on? Would he be caring towards myself and children? Would there be more work upon my part due to him being slovenly, apathetic, or aggressive? How would he and the relationship be in two years, in five? Sex is a social contract where potentially it could become a lifelong commitment if pregnancy occurred. Women often look at sex that way, while men, for some very odd reason, don’t.

  14. 54
    JULIA

    I HONESTLY STUMBLED UPON THIS.   DONT KNOW HOW.   IM TYPING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE   I CANT SEE THE SCREEN OTHERWISE.   EVERY ONE AVOIDS ITIMACY. ITS A PROTECTIVE MECHANISM. YOURE NOT SPECIAL.

    BEING WITH SOMEONE YOU DONT FIND ATTRACTIVE IS CALLED “MARRAIGE”

    WHY?

    YOU CAN ONLY TOLERATE SOMEONES BAD SOCIAL BEHAVIOR SO MUCH.   YOU THOUGHT HE WAS THE MOST AMAZING SUPER HUMAN. ON THE PLANET.

    THEN….THEIR PLASTER HAS A PERCEIVED BREAK….AFTER EXAMINATION ITS   ONLY   A FRACTURE. DO YOU STAY.   YES YOU DO.   WHY?

    WHY?   BECAUSE WE LOVE, WANT TO BE LOVED AND WILL DO ALMOST ANYTHING TO GET AND FEEL IT FOR A MINUTE EVEN IF THE OTHER FIFTY NINE MINUTES OF EVERY HOUR SUCKS.   ITS WHO WE ARE.   OR AT LEAST WHO I AM

    I STAY FOR THAT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE FEELING

    LETS ALL GET REAL.   HAPPILY EVER AFTER IS BULLSHIT.   BUT THEN IM NOT SURE ABOUT THAT EITHER. ONE THING I KNOW FOR SURE ITS NOT IN AN ‘”I do” IN FRONT OF A PRIEST, RABBI, ETC.   PERHAPS THEY ARE OUT THERE.   THESE AMAZING SOUL MATES. THAT HAVE   NO FINANCIAL, FAMILY, ETC.   ISSUES.   IM RELATIVELY CERTAIN THAT IT IS AS RARE AS A PICHAU.   SO…….”IF YOU CANT BE WITH THE ONE YOU LOVE..LOVE THE ONE YOUR WITH.

  15. 55
    Ris

    Ok, so I’m bisexual here, but let’s be frank. Women are considered more attractive than men universally. Any advice you get is gonna tell you to lower your standards and if that makes you uncomfortable, it should. I mean, you can call bs and focus on getting the 1% you do find attractive. Either way the reality sucks here. If you’re broke in an impoverished area; you starve. If you’re attracted to the oppressive and uglier class, you’re kinda screwed unless you’re gifted in beauty, or flirtation like Courtney Love or w/e. Tbh I rather be alone than with one of the losers in the comments who think they’re entitled to me, and if you can, that’s the best option. Although, if you take a more active/dominant role you’d be surprised how much control you can have. If you can’t be beautiful or effeminately charmed,   at least be logical, shameless, and maybe a little sociopathic. Or you can just resign to die unsatisfied and make the best of it.

    1. 55.1
      Buck25

      My, what a nice recipe there, Ris; narcissistic, openly sociopathic, Machiavellian,and topped off with, I believe, a hint of sadism. The whole Dark Tetrad; I suppose we should all be suitably impressed.   Having a dominatrix moment, or is that your usual manner of sexual self-expression?

  16. 56
    k a Green

    Weird, I’m at the other end, I find less than 10% of men unattractive, everywhere I go, I find them really attractive, yesterday I went to uni and along came 200 young men, too much eye candy!

  17. 57
    Manicgirl69

    WOW!! I AM NOT ALONE!!! I google searched “every guy ugly ” to find something like this. I’ve always liked women but I always thought I was just bi. Now I’m starting to think I’m full out gay. I don’t fucking know. Lol. #foreveralone

  18. 58
    Cassie Geremaia

    I don’t know how old this thread is, but I just wanted to speak up and say don’t give up if you know what you want…. but be able to wait and maybe compromise on other things besides the characteristic you want.   I did.   I went on about three new dates a week for 4 years.   I was on every website.   I was letting friends know it’s okay to set me up.   I was meeting new people at networking events and even dated abroad.   I found exactly what I was looking for.   On the compromise aspect, I wanted a man that was smart and for me that always meant a bachelors at least (I have a masters).   My significant other graduated high school late, but has worked his way up to being the same level as an engineer.   He just can’t learn on someone else’s schedule in a classroom.   I love his mind.   You don’t know where or when you’ll find him, but if you’re incredibly picky and you genuinely just can’t feel it or will yourself to feel something that’s not there- be prepared to wait and perhaps compromise a bit when you get there.

  19. 59
    MONI

    NOTHING wrong with you.   A lot of men are SHALLOW and vulgar.   And they have what I

    call the “MAN” THING.   They are mostly idiots, with opinions and mouths that are  spiteful and vulgar.   Most men don’t meet the grade.   Most don’t have hearts, talent, compassion, kindness and no style, no vibe.

    Most are slobs   and flabby and those are the vulgar ones.   JUST LIKE TRUMP.

    1. 59.1
      Tyrone

      Aren’t you a winner.

      There an old joke about everyone having a friend a the is an asshole or that is ugly. If you say to yourself, “I don’t have any friends like that” then you are the asshole/ugly one.

      I feel that this applies to all of you women out there claiming that almost all men are unattractive or shitty. You are assholes. You are are a bunch of narcissistic hypocrites with your heads in the clouds. And I’d say the same to any man claiming that most women are shit.

      Moni says most men have no compassion, kindness or hearts. And they are mostly idiots!

      Based on that statement, we can tell that Moni is obviously kind and compassionate. And a genius with lots of heart, style and grace!

      Fucking ridiculous.

  20. 60
    Dale

    Boy I am glad I am a gay male…such pretentious princesses

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