I Find Most Men Unattractive. What’s Wrong With Me?

I Find Most Men Unattractive. What’s Wrong With Me

I find the vast, vast, vast majority of men unattractive. Mostly it’s that I don’t have any physical attraction to them, but once in a while (about twice a year if I’m on a lot of dating sites, or once every few years if I’m not), I’ll meet someone I actually think is good looking (a hint here is that I find most celebrities physically unattractive, apparently my sex drive is picky but I couldn’t tell you why – although I DO have a high sex drive…).

However, I’m also aware having been through a lot of therapy after numerous and significant mental health difficulties (eating disorders etc.) that I tend to date cold or unavailable men and then not ask for more and maintain that emotional distance – essentially, I seem to have been in a habit of avoiding intimacy by going out with people I don’t find attractive, or more often than I’d like to admit, men who I know are gay before I even ask them out…otherwise they’re narcissistic or give mixed messages, or aren’t close in some way etc.

Knowing that I have that pattern, I made a promise to myself to pick up on coldness whenever I find someone attractive and to walk away. And that is something I do – I look specifically for empathy. And guess what…on those very rare occasions when the idea of kissing/sleeping with someone is not downright unappealing, they’re cold and narcissistic, and so I walk away.

Now to be honest, I’m not too bothered about finding someone in the next couple of years, I’m still young at 28 and my career is my priority right now, so I’m not in too much of a hurry, but the reason why it’s been bothering me is that I’m actually starting to worry that my family messed me up so much I’ll never be able to love anyone. I’m therapied out and no longer diagnosable – I’ve made a massive recovery and feel extremely healthy – so I don’t think more therapy is going to suddenly make me find more men attractive.

I have tried being with people I don’t find attractive – and I usually remain friends with very nice men I have tried to date but didn’t find attractive, and I’m afraid they don’t start growing on me. They just become my friend.

Have you come across this and do you think the reason I find so many men physically unappealing is because of something psychological? Some of my friends think it’s do with the bar being raised…I’m quite attractive myself and I’ve had a lot of attention from the opposite of sex since I was about 13, including the “very good looking”, so perhaps it’s just knowing what I could have and that that’s influencing me?

SG

I feel for you, SG. I do. After all of your therapy, you are as self-aware as you can be, and yet it still seems to me that you have some significant blind spots about your problem.

Now, first of all, I want to make it crystal clear: you are not alone. Women, on the whole, are far more discerning than men when it comes to physical attraction. In the linked OkCupid study, women think that 80% of men are BELOW average in attractiveness, when, in a normal distribution, that number should be 50%. I’m not going to say whether these women are right, although THEY certainly feel they are. I will say that men, for all their flaws, are equal opportunity daters in a way that women are not. While they will still lust for the hottest woman around, they’ll ultimately marry someone in their league, which, empirically, is not always that attractive.

Men, for all their flaws, are equal opportunity daters in a way that women are not.

Your issue, however, is a little more extreme, and reminds me of a client I had a few years back. Very attractive woman – a 43-year-old personal trainer who hated online dating for the very reason you mentioned. No one was attractive enough for her. When we went through the website to take inventory, I asked her to put 40 guys on her favorites list. She couldn’t even do so. The only 6 guys she found attractive looked like 32-year-old GQ models whose preferred age range was 22-29. My client was pretty much out of luck because she found less than 1% of men attractive, including NO men her own age who wanted her in return.

Let’s just say that this wasn’t one of my success stories.

And this is where we bump up against one of my limitations of a coach. I’m not a psychologist who has been trained to delve into your past; my specialty is helping women in the present model confident behavior to elicit better results in the future. Your issue, in this instance, isn’t lack of confidence; it’s something that runs much deeper, something you only hinted at when you say that your family “messed you up.” Without knowing you, I have to concur.

Just read what you wrote to me:

“(I) avoid intimacy by going out with people I don’t find attractive.”

Sorry, but I want to challenge that assertion. You avoid intimacy by going out with people you DO find attractive – because the only people you find attractive are, in your words, “cold and narcissistic.”

That begins in your childhood, SG, usually with an absent, distant, or abusive father.

And so it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. The only men you’re drawn to are the worst ones; the other 99%, you eliminate because you’re not attracted to them.

There’s being discerning, and there’s being impossible, and you’ve unfortunately raised the bar so high that no man can jump it.

You seem to be somewhat aware of this when you state that you walk away from emotionally distant men – and yet you claim they’re the only people you sleep with, since the “vast, vast, vast” majority of men are unattractive to you.

And here you are, writing to me, wondering if you will ever be able to love anyone.

You have every right to worry.

I can’t “fix” you from here, but I can tell you that something is very wrong if you only find 2 people attractive “every few years.” There’s being discerning, and there’s being impossible, and you’ve unfortunately raised the bar so high that no man can jump it.

You are attracted to the wrong men for reasons beyond your control. You need to rewire yourself on what it means to be in a healthy relationship. And if it means you have to dial down your attraction from a 10 to a 7, in order to find an emotionally healthy guy, that’s a price well worth paying.

That may sound awful to you on two counts: 1) you refuse to compromise on chemistry, and 2) you don’t think that a 7 chemistry actually exists. For you, it’s all or nothing. I believe you.

But that’s not normal, it’s not healthy, and it will leave you no dating options whenever you do decide to take your love life seriously again.

Get thee to a really good therapist. You’re worth the investment.

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Comments:

  1. 91
    Alison james

    Read the title.  It’s not that men are unattractive, it’s that she is concerned that there is something wrong with HER.   I have the same problem.  I’m heterosexual but find even the most attractive men undesirable.  Could be because of my past history with men, but my subconsious won’t allow me to have any desire.  It’s too risky from a health point of view.  I want a long happy life, I don’t want to die from the stress, like other women I’ve seen.

  2. 92
    Shell

    There always have to be the smart ass twits Who suggest She’s lesbian. Really? How narrow minded can You be? Like the author, I too am finding that I have not had a sexual spark with a man in a long time and like Her, I have a high sex drive. It’s a frustrating situation to be in. I’m not attracted to women and never will be. Does it worry Me? Clearly enough to Google My way to this page.

    Accepting that instant chemistry is rare, that maybe I’m picky, and that sometimes love and attraction can grow from friendship, I have gone out with Men Who are good, decent, attractive…etc etc. I enjoy being with them, and I find Myself hoping that I’ll develop an attraction to them, but it’s just not there! I wish with all My heart it was! If I follow much of the advise of online therapy, I should just sleep with them anyway. WTF?  How can You have sex with someone Who doesn’t inspire any sexual desire in You at all…..that is wrong!

    Have I had bad relationships in the past that burnt Me? Sure, but so have most people at some stage.

    I am finding all the online advise, contrite and straight out of the psychological textbooks.

    You can’t find love or attraction because You’re too closed off, You’re the reason……blah blah blah BULLSHIT!

    In saying that, all the articles and posts I have read have helped. It’s made Me realise how many people are finding themselves in this same place. Do Some of them have deep seated problems and need help? sure. However,  from what I can see, most of Us are just in a phase that will ultimately pass…a dry spell that will end sooner or later. At some point We will be in the right place, at the right time, with the right person.

    Bottom line We are all wired differently. Some people find that magical combination of great sex and a fantastic partner. Others are happy for mediocre sex and great partner or vice versa. Some people are settlers and will take anyone rather than be alone. Others live by the mantra ‘fussy doesn’t fuck’ while on the opposite scale there are those of Us Who need to feel connected either emotionally or sexually before We are intimate. We’d rather be alone than be with someone that isn’t the right fit.

    I don’t think I’m fussy. I don’t think I’m blocking My own path to happiness. Some things just can’t be forced. Sexual attraction is one of them.

    I’d love to feel that spark with someone again.  One day I hope I will. Until then, I’ll value My friendships and family  and get a good vibrator.

     

     

  3. 93
    Jean

    I am so glad someone post this because I was beginning to think I wasn’t human. I find almost every man unattractive.

    1. 93.1
      Karla

      Same here. Sometimes I think that I am meant to be single which makes me sad but I am sorry I am not going to sleep with a guy I am not attracted to…

    2. 93.2
      No Name To Give

      I relate to this quite well, as I’m going through the same thing. I suspect the lack of desire is more a fear of intimacy and vulnerability than anything because how many of us out there are above average in looks? Anytime a man has tried to get close to me, it’s quite scary for me and almost feels stifling and suffocating. I know this isn’t normal but the pain of not having a man in my life is non-existent, compared to the pain of dating, rejection, etc. So I’m not moved to change it since I’m not unhappy.

  4. 94
    Crys

    Aside from my not wanting to be in a committed relationship and before I had my now poor perspective of men and relationships, I am one of those women who are rarely, if ever, physically attracted to most men out there.  I am almost 42. I have not dated since my now ex husband left me in April 2011. I was heart broken and repairing myself inside and out for years. I have struggled with societal influence and pressure to mate/be married/in a relationship.  Mostly I have wondered why I am not attracted to men – there has been one that I have been attracted to in over 4 years and that one, he was 11 years younger than me (gross, no way, I don’t do that Cougar thing, hate being a cliche) and I knew that it would go no where, end badly and be another horrible experience and that my priorities are wrapped up in myself and career advancement – accomplishment of long held goals and dreams – a relationship takes far too much time, effort and emotion – none of which I am willing to expend. So I never acted on anything and we are great friends now.

    As far as physical attraction goes, it’s chemistry plain and simple and I don’t think there is anything wrong with not being physically attracted to most of the planet – I think more people should be less attracted to others and be more selective.  I do not understand how the “experts” say that chemistry and physical attraction grows. That has never once happened for me, ever.  I mean, how long are you supposed to wait for that spark to ignite, 2 dates, 5 dates, 6 months? I feel that if it isn’t there at first it never will be.  Isn’t physical attraction – that chemistry – a chemical reaction of pharamones (spelling?) which are indicators of successful mating for offspring…  Also, when you bring spirituality into the equation, I believe that those who “feel” in their soul/heart a need or burning to find a mate, that those people actually have one or two or three or more out there and that when they meet the spark ignites and chemistry is present.  Since love is supposed to evoke and teach lessons, what if you have no more lessons to learn in that arena and hence, with no more lessons to be learned, no more pain and heartbreak to transform and grow from, with no longing for another, to be mated with another, what about that? does that fit into a potential reason a person isn’t physically attracted to men (in this instance).  Why does it have to be that there is some damage to the psyche or whatever or that there is something wrong with a woman because she isn’t feeling chemistry?

    I much prefer me single. I don’t want to share my bed, my space or my life with another man… at this point, I don’t even think I am capable even if I wanted to and there isn’t much out there to chose from, not unless I want a typical dude who drinks, has poor eating habits, is fat/overweight, lazy and is just a cliche and is probably an a$$hole anyway.  Most relationships fail, they are kind of pointless.

     

  5. 95
    Anonymous

    Apparently I’ve read and commented on this before, but I’m going to again. I’m so with the women on this one. Evan himself said it in another post: men who are “5s” want women who are 10s. I’m a healthy weight (have NEVER been fat), medium height, long, thick hair, and curvy (my last ex wouldn’t shut up about my “assets”). But, I have a plain face. I wouldn’t say I’m a butterface, but there’s nothing particularly striking about my features. I wear glasses and dress conservatively. So, what do I attract? Short, fat, balding, older men, foreign men looking to secure their Citizenship, or younger men who lack basic social skills and play video games all day. This has been happening since my early 20s, with little change over the years (and I’m 35 now). I’m not a “gold digger.” I’ve dated guys who were broke (one of them didn’t own a car). I don’t go after “hot” guys. In fact, I’ve dated some men my girlfriends considered downright ugly, and I still found them attractive. Online, I have trouble attracting even very “average” looking men. Men who I can honestly say are IN my league! Why? Because these men want women hotter than themselves, and can probably get them due to the unequal ratio of attractive women vs. men (many more women, as several others have commented). To ensure that this really WAS about my looks, I tried putting up a picture of a model on my dating profile (just her face) and within hours I was completely flooded with messages from both ugly AND attractive men, including one of the same men who rejected me before! It’s true, women can get sex whenever we want, but when it comes to relationship standards, many men are completely delusional! The ones who aren’t have mostly settled down and are happily married by this age.

  6. 96
    Anonymous

    Oh, and to keep with the topic of this post, I agree with the OP as well. I’m very rarely attracted to any men, and I’m definitely not gay. I can look at a man and think he’s handsome or whatever, but to actually FEEL attraction for someone I need to have a connection with their personality. This doesn’t usually happen for me instantly upon meeting someone. And, since most men size me up in a glance and decide I’m not hot enough for them, I rarely have enough time to develop that attraction. I actually HAVE had some unattractive men “grow on me,” simply because they didn’t give up on getting to know me. Like some have already stated, though, this is the exception, not the rule. I am not wanting to encourage men to keep chasing women who are very CLEARLY not interested (this has happened to me as well), but, if a woman is neutral toward you, and perhaps shy, I would suggest getting to know her as a FRIEND first and sometimes that attraction can develop. I wish more men would do this rather than being pushy/stalker-ish, or making snap judgments.

    1. 96.1
      Emily, the original

      Anonymous,

      I’m very rarely attracted to any men, 

      I have this issue, too. There are men I like, men I enjoy talking to, maybe even flirting with, and I don’t find them unattractive–some I’ve even grown to really like– I just don’t feel any attraction for them. There’s nothing compelling me to want to get physical.

      There are men I do feel attracted to; it just happens very, very rarely. Or I don’t feel enough attraction. I think they’re kind of cute, but then I ask myself, “Do I want to be alone in a room with this guy? Am I going to have to fake my way through really wanting to be there?” No and yes.

    2. 96.2
      Selena

      Anonymous:

       I am not wanting to encourage men to keep chasing women who are very CLEARLY not interested (this has happened to me as well), but, if a woman is neutral toward you, and perhaps shy, I would suggest getting to know her as a FRIEND first and sometimes that attraction can develop. I wish more men would do this rather than being pushy/stalker-ish, or making snap judgments.”

       

      I rather agree with you here, but I can also understand why many men feel that once “friend -zoned” there is no hope getting out of it. And if a woman doesn’t find them attractive, she never will. If that has always been someone’s experience…why would they continue to do it?

      I read another dating forum where the commenters (both genders) are very negative toward anyone who puts “friends first” in a dating profile. They won’t bother contacting such a person because they believe anyone looking for friends on a dating site isn’t really interested in dating, a relationship, and is just a time waster looking for online attention.

      As someone who has had relationships come from being friends first, I wonder if success in this has to do with not having an attachment to outcome.  As a woman, when a particular man wasn’t pushing me to date him, I could relax and be myself; enjoy his company without feeling I had to be “on guard” about everything I said or did, lest I give him the wrong impression. What I found in these situations is that the more time I spent just hanging out and talking to the  guy, the more I liked him.  And the more I liked him, the more attractive he became to me.

      The men didn’t have an attachment to outcome either. They could enjoy hanging out with me when they felt like it, but were completely available to meet and date other women. When we started dating each other, there was a  comfort level because we already knew and liked each other.

      It is not uncommon for people who met offline and started dating to have gotten to know each other first through friends, work, neighborhood, mutual interests. Happens all the time.  Perhaps even to some who initially made snap judgments. 🙂

       

  7. 97
    Anonymous

    Still reading these comments and finding them interesting, lol. I need to add another and say #77 – could not agree more. The “unattractive” men who grew on me I ended up losing attraction to and breaking up with because of something in their character, or being just plain boring to hang out with! No, I don’t want to talk about action movies and video games all day!

    And, I also have to chime in and reiterate that men do not “age better” than women! Older dudes really need to stop trying to perpetuate this myth – we’re not buying it! If I take my high school class, for example, most of the women (almost 20 years later) still take good care of themselves and look similar to how they did in high school. Many of the men do as well, but just as many are bald, pot-bellied, and look older than their mid-30s. (For the record, I have nothing against baldness; I find bald men attractive, but it does tend to age them). The only reason men believe they age better than us is because men are CONDITIONED by the media (don’t pull that biology BS, it’s more than that) to only find young women attractive, and the reverse is just not true for women! We are comfortable seeing an old man seducing a younger woman in a movie, but cringe at the reverse – why? Because the woman has aged more poorly? No. Because we are conditioned (dare I say brainwashed) to not find older women as attractive. And most Hollywood stars have botoxed and lifted the heck out of their faces, so they are bad examples anyway.

    1. 97.1
      Theodora

      No, men are not culturally conditioned to find young women attractive. If anything, the media and the movie industry nowadays go out of their way to present older women as equally or more desirable than young women, it’s just that men don’t buy it, as demonstrated by the free market in sex industries like stripping, porn and prostitution, where men spend most of their time and money on 17-29 yo women.

      The reasons young women are more attractive are 100% biological – a firm body and youthful, soft skin are markers of fertility and men of all ages are attracted to them since the beginning of humanity, in all cultures across the planet.

      Also, nobody said that men age better than women. It’s just that men can compensate ageing with other qualities that many women find attractive – charisma, sense of humor, power, wealth, succes, knowledge – while the same qualities are not attraction triggers in themselves for men when women possess them. To make matters worse, men are attracted to femininity – a sweet personality and disposition, idealism, radiance, optimism, capacity for admiration and love – and oftentimes younger women posses these qualities more than their older peers, besides their youthful glow which signals fertility.

      I am a woman myself but I prefer the truth, however painful, to delusional inanities such as “men are culturally conditioned to find young women more attractive”.

      1. 97.1.1
        Anonymous

        I didn’t say that. You are completely mis-quoting me. I said “men are conditioned to ONLY find young women attractive.” I think we can all agree that as a general rule, people look their most attractive at a younger age (say, in their 20s). This applies to both men AND women. My point was that men do not “age better” than women, as some in this thread (and elsewhere) have suggested. Those factors you mentioned (wealth, status etc.) do come into play and make older men desirable to some women. However, based on looks alone, men do not age better. That’s a myth. Furthermore, if men’s biology only allowed them to be attracted to young women, that would mean that every married man would cease to be attracted to his wife once she reached a certain age. And, that’s simply not the case. We all have seen older couples who are still very much in love and attracted to eachother. Of course men are going to find younger women attractive, that goes without saying. However, some men have been conditioned to only find a small percentage (a certain age and type) of women physically attractive, and it is just not reasonable for them to expect to have the same appeal to these women well into middle age, under the delusion that “men age better.”

        1. Anonymous

          And what I meant was that in the media we are conditioned to not find older women as attractive as older men. We are comfortable seeing a middle aged man play the lead “heartthrob” role in a movie, but his female counterparts are almost always younger.

      2. 97.1.2
        ezamused

        Theodora

        Well said I think you are spot on.

  8. 98
    Emily Seal

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. There IS something wrong with the pressure imposed on females to “find a man”. Screw that. YOu’re fine. DO what comes naturally.

  9. 99
    Men are Ugly

    You’re not alone. Most men are just simply ugly! Narcissistic, controlling, sloppy, and unkempt. Either you have to settle or run to Sam’s club for batteries! Keep your head up

  10. 100
    Nneka

    I rarely ever find someone I’m attracted to. Maybe every 5 years or so, I’ll meet a guy I find attractive. I recognize beauty whether I see it in a man or a woman, but I know I’m not sexually attracted to women. I have been told by many people that I am attractive and I get hit on all the time, but 99.9% of the time, it’s not coming from someone I’m interested in. I don’t think looks are the most important thing about a person, but I’d be lying if I said they don’t matter. I want to be in a relationship in which there is intense, mutual attraction. Intimacy is important to me and I can’t force myself to be intimate with someone I don’t even want to kiss. It is frustrating. But I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m probably going to die alone. There just isn’t any man who is attractive, intelligent, a good communicator, and is as equally interested in me as I am in him. After reading some of the comments, I literally cried.

  11. 101
    H

    Tyrone & other men whom applied,

    I feel the way these women feel and obvi its a common theme over this thread. Any girl chat, everywhere will have this same problem discussed. Men dont workout and lets add that they live with mom into their thirties. Id rather sooner recruit a FWB than commit to this -uckery.

    Men seem to want a goddess and, like someone mentioned earlier, most coupled men would make themselves available to involve a mistress if a woman shows interest in them. Im way above average, but not a ten. I could get a guy for a night, but the mystery to life is what timing, mood, what planet Mercury is in as to when they’ll commit. Ive read threads on married men and most admit theyd have a mistress if a woman was interested. Two goddesses are better than one after all! All integrity goes out the window for men so f’n fast! The ‘other woman’ may not know she’s a mistress until down the road!

     

  12. 102
    Susan

    At least some of the problem is the men, themselves.  Nobody wants to date a man with missing teeth or who is very overweight or out of shape or dresses poorly.  There are so many men like that, the ones who are health conscious and well-groomed stand out and become conceited because they have more options.  If men worked on improving their appearances, more woman would find more of them attractive. Women always get blamed for being too picky, but if you can’t attract a decent guy you shouldn’t settle for someone who makes you cringe.

  13. 103
    ezamuzed

    It is so strange to hear woman complain that men are overweight. Statistically woman have no place to complain: 40% of woman are obese in the united states compared to 35% of men. 10% of woman compared to 5% of men are morbidly obese. The average woman weights as much as the average man did in 1960.

    I think a big part of the problem is the current fat acceptance movement. Especially towards woman. Big is beautiful, All about that Bass lyrics, etc. Sure you are still a fine person if you are overweight but you are not attractive. Certainly nowhere near as attractive as if would be if you were in decent shape.

    1. 103.1
      GoWiththeFlow

      ezamuzed,

      Why is it strange to hear that women don’t find overweight or obese men unattractive?  Men say they don’t find overweight women attractive all the time.  Why would men think this doesn’t apply to them as well?

      1. 103.1.1
        Yet Another Guy

        @GWtF

        I believe that the visceral reactions has more do with scale than reality.  If women find most men to be unattractive and only 35% of men are obese, then lack of attraction is not purely based on weight.  Men bald and women sag.  Both sexes gray, but women color their hair.  Being gray makes a person look older, and being bald and gray makes things even worse.  One of the reasons why I pass for younger is that I have yet to bald or gray in any significant way, and I am closer to 60 than 50.  I can shave 7 to 10 years off of my age on a dating site and not get called for it.  A guy my age who is bald and gray cannot get away with it unless he shaves his head.  If older women do not believe that coloring their hair shaves ten years off of their appearance, then all the need to do is let it go gray.

        Speaking of gray, I now know why so many older women are doing the Brazilian wax thing (not just the women who are chasing younger men).  It hides the fact the carpet no longer matches the drapes because the carpet has started to gray or is gray.  The alternative is color it.  Personally, I could care less if a woman’s carpet is graying or gray. We are all getting older.  However, I do care about a woman’s weight and her lifestyle.  I live a healthy lifestyle and do my best to maintain a healthy weight because being overweight can cause all kinds of health problems.

        1. GoWiththeFlow

          YAG,
          There are racial/ethnic differences in the U.S. with respect to gender differences in obesity. In caucasians, more men are overweight than women. (You can check the statistics at the NIH website.) There can also be a certain level of selection going on. As people go through their twenties and thirties, more and more tend to pair off, leaving an increasingly smaller pool of singles. Since being normal body weight is considered an attractive quality in both men and women, slimmer people may be more likely to wind up in relationships and that can leave more overweight and obese people in the singles pool as time goes by. So I don’t think it’s a false perception that many women experience a lot of single men to be overweight or obese. This may be true for men as well.

          You brought up that you live a healthy lifestyle and so a woman’s weight and lifestyle is important to you. For women in their 40s and beyond, health in a potential partner is important. This is the age where men in our age group start having heart attacks and strokes. No woman wants a guy who looks like he might drop dead on her at any moment. This issue is compounded by the fact that we often get men several years our senior who are interested in us.

          I have two friends who married men a decade older than them when they were in their late 40s. Both were married only a few years when their husbands began to have major health issues. They now spend considerable time taking their husbands on doctor’s visits, or in for tests, procedures, and major surgeries. This while holding down full time jobs and dealing with elderly parents and college age kids. They love their husbands and are doing the best they can, but this was not what they expected their lives to be like in their early 50s. Their women friends, like myself, see this and it makes us pay even more attention to the health status of the men we date. Being overweight or obese is a sign that diabetes, hypertension, heart disease and vascular disease may be lurking under the surface.

  14. 104
    ezamuzed

    GoWithTheFlow,

    Its not strange that they don’t like overweight men. It is strange that they generalize and complain that they have trouble finding attractive men because too many are fat and out of shape.

    1. 104.1
      GoWiththeFlow

      LOL,

      And men on this blog do the same thing: “. . . generalize and complain that they have trouble finding attractive [women] because too many are fat and out of shape.” Women readers of this blog regularly get regaled with tales of woe from men who are unable to find any attractive women to date because they are all fat.

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  16. 105
    janice

    Is it possible that the men who get on dating sites are the less attractive menor was this study done with more than the dating site men? Just curious about the details.

  17. 106
    SO

    Sounds like there are a few possibilities here, including the following: 1. The person is demisexual/demiromantic2. The person is grey-ace (i.e. on the asexual spectrum)3. The person is more attracted to women than men4. There are some underlying psychological issues It could also be some combination of the above factors. I tried meeting men on dating sites for years and never got into any relationships, then fell in love with a female friend. Pretty sure I’m bisexual but realised I’m much more romantically interested in women.  A lot of women don’t realise till later in life because of compulsory heterosexuality. Asexual people often have similar challenges, i.e. they don’t realise until later in life because of cultural conditioning and lack of awareness about different sexual orientations. I would also highly recommend the book ‘Deeper Dating’ by Ken Page as he discusses in depth how to cultivate healthy attractions. Definitely worth checking out. 

  18. 107
    LW

    Sounds like this woman may be demisexual and/or demiromantic. This can make dating much more difficult but it’s not impossible, if you build up an emotional bond with someone before dating and get to know people in a low-pressure environment. 

  19. 108
    Anotherperspective

    LMFAO!! All your answers are mental. Lesbian? Like  really she said she did find some attractive but the cluster B types. I am the same way. I’m not into women I love being with a man but I can only feel attracted to very few. Though I am younger. I am also found very attractive by men from young to old. Nothing has changed for me since teens, 20’s. I am still fit and I look like I am 22. A group of teenage boys told me I was cute in passing. I’ve dated some younger guys, beautiful bodies, one one rich as well but mentally not ripe for me. Even though they weren’t that much younger. So my window is hard to find around my age in terms of attractiveness, a lot of what is single is not desirable. Where I am desired constantly but they’re just not what I’m looking for. They don’t know how to impress a woman, having nothing interesting to say. I even give chances and date men where I feel I compromise on looks but their personality doesn’t make up where they are lacking in looks. So the attraction is not there. I’ve turned down so many men and when you have so many options, sometimes it’s overwhelming. I want what I want and that doesn’t make me a lesbian. I can’t believe the crap you people come up with just because you don’t understand another perspective. Even the dating coach is a bit off the mark. Some of us just need a mental connection as well first before we can find attraction and that doesn’t always happen so easily. Not when you’re incredibly intelligent, gorgeous and don’t really need much more in your life other than companionship, a travel buddy, sex and intimacy. Most relationships are such bullshit, half the people I know are not happy and pretend like they’re fine as long as they’re not single. When most people are more lonely in their relationships than I am on my own. So I think this coach gets paid to enforce this type of thinking. That something must be wrong with this person. When we’re not all made to match with all people. Biology counts, we can’t always choose who we desire, I have tried but it doesn’t work like that. I would be miserable trying to force it. I’ve had women try and make out with me at parties and I wasn’t into it. Even those I found good looking, I have always loved men but very rarely do I come across ones that I would like to date. When I do we always have this explosive attraction towards one another but the timing was off for the last one. Otherwise I still might be with him now. People have no hard time trying to understand how hard it is to make real friends. So why can’t you just accept that when you’re a beautiful looking person it’s just as hard to find a mate you can see yourself with. Options might be overwhelming but not a lot of men keep themselves in great shape at the same age. When you’re a genetic lottery winner and still manage to have maintained that when you’re older, it’s harder to find people who look their age attractive, unless their mind is right in a way where that makes them more sexy. They dress nice or just have something beyond looks. I’ve been with a gorgeous man who was an asshole and I lost interest in him because his heart was lacking. So maybe some of us just want the same things we offer and if we have a lot going on ourselves, it can be hard for someone else to match that.

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