Guys Who Call Too Much Or Guys Who Don’t Call Enough?

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The biggest turn-off that women have in dating is the guy who calls too much.

You know him. He met you and was instantly smitten. He tells you how beautiful you are five times per conversation. He starts talking about how amazing you are even though he barely knows you. He texts, emails or calls a dozen times a day. He acts like you have a future together although you’re pretty sure you don’t know his middle name.

And strangely, despite all this attention – BECAUSE of all this attention – you are immediately turned off. The new guy is a shameless puppy dog, eager for your affection, desperate to win you over to feel as strongly as he does.

It never works. It’s too easy. It’s too lame. It’s too…something. But the eager guy never earns your respect. All because he was TOO excited about you.

Contrast that with the man who YOU’VE got a crush on. You have incredible chemistry with him, but you have no idea where you stand. He tells you that you’re beautiful…when he’s not dating other women. He sends you text messages…once a week when he wants you to come over. He treats you amazingly…or at least he did the last time you saw him. He gives no indication that he wants a future with you, and little indication that he even wants a present with you.

And you’re completely ga-ga for him.

What’s wrong with this picture?

The very qualities that are the MOST indicative of the potential to build a life together – consistency and dedication – are the ones that you value LEAST.

I ain’t blaming you; as a dating coach, I’m just pointing out what may not obvious.

What’s most important is not how a guy makes you feel on a date. Sure, it’s great when you’re tipsy and tingling with excitement in anticipation of his kiss. But that feeling is useless if he doesn’t make a consistent effort to see you.

Literally ALL that matters – if you want a healthy relationship – is how quickly he follows up to say, “When can I see you again?”

This doesn’t mean you’re suddenly going to be attracted to the stalker-guy. I’m not advocating that you remove the restraining order.

What I am saying is that you should stop giving a free pass to every cute guy who doesn’t call in a timely fashion…and start valuing the very guys who make you feel special.

Clearly, it’s easier said than done.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    JB

    Women complain when guys call “too much” or “not enough” …lol
    Why don’t you all just make a law telling us exactly when and how often we SHOULD call to please all of you.

    Puhhhhlllleeezzzzzzzz. Too many variables here.

    What planet does 1badgirl live on that she thinks men “control everything”….lol Certainly not the planet of online dating….lol
    Or my favorite online dating site http://www.womencontrolyou.com 😉

  2. 22
    Robyn

    I think the bigger problem with calling too much, by either the man or the woman, too early in a relationship or before there even IS a relationship is that the enthusiasm is usually based on projected feelings and imaginings about the person instead of on experience and the truth. I get panicky when someone gives me over-the-top compliments nonstop and calls me daily when they don’t really know me because their enthusiasm for me is usually based on the most surface of information – my picture, the info in my profile, and maybe a brief phone call.

    I dated someone last summer who was this way – far too “into” me, without really knowing me. I finally brought it up one day – the fact that I knew tons about him but he never really ever asked about me. I offered him some info but it only made him uncomfortable. I realized that he was really interested in me because I had the patience to listen to him, but he wasn’t interested in returning the favor.

    Be “into” someone you really know. Be INTERESTED in someone you don’t – and by being interested, I mean, ask questions, and get to know the person. From that, a relationship can actually grow.

  3. 23
    JuJu

    LOL, preferring one guy over the other has nothing to do with the number of calls. 🙂

    The simple way to explain it would be that you usually like a male that’s generally popular with females. He can afford to ignore you for weeks on end.

    The “puppy” is usually not a desirable male, and that’s why you don’t like him, not because he calls too often.

    If a man a woman is crazy about is just as crazy about her and shows it – nothing would make her happier! This kind of romantic bliss is just a really rare coincidence.

    There is a quote, I believe by Gabriel Garcia Marquez: “Do not waste your time on those who do not strive to spend it with you.”

    It is difficult to see the objective reality when you are infatuated, but just try to remind yourself that it’s purely hormonal, keep breathing, live in the moment (instead of in your head), and you should be able to deal with whatever life throws at you.

  4. 24
    JM

    So true about the happy medium. I think it goes both ways that men and women like a little mystery when they first get to know someone and too many phone calls is complete overkill, especially when you don’t really know each other yet. I think there are ways to let each other know that you are both interested without completely smothering the other person in the process. A little space is always a good thing!

  5. 25
    Cilla

    JuJu’s right–if a guy I’m really into calls all the time, it’s suddenly not too much–it’s just right LOL.

    If I’m on the fence about a guy, and he calls a lot, it will push me away.

    It’s nice when a man asks, “Can I call you tomorrow? What time works for you?” And then actually calls when he says he will.

  6. 26
    starthrower68

    Oh that’s rich, JB, considering how women are supposed to be attentive but not too attentive, interested but not eager, appropriately detached but not cold, and ready to have sex so that you get to “test drive” us, but not too ready too soon so that you don’t loose respect for us. You want to start casting aspersions on women for our rules, then perhaps you should look at your own gender first.

  7. 27
    Selena

    What is “negging”?

  8. 28
    Anon

    I agree re: the number of calls… if Justin Timberlake were calling me 10 times a day you wouldn’t hear me complaining!!!! LOL.

  9. 29
    delicia

    The “guy calling too much” issue is kind of analogous to women and thinking if they have sex too soon it’s the kiss of death for a potential relationship. Obviously every situation’s different, but neither one would likely be the ONLY reason that someone wasn’t interested. Chances are, they just weren’t that interested to begin with. And I’m not talking about stalker types calling 10x/day I mean calling a few times a week or even every other day at the beginning of a relationship.

  10. 30
    starthrower68

    The two times I had this happen, both guys also said within 2-3 weeks (without having met me and nothing but phone or e-mail conversation) that they were falling in love with me. They didn’t even know me! It felt like they were just throwing the word “love” around like a cheap piece of lawn furniture and that it wasn’t me there were in love with, but that they were in love with being in love. They didn’t even know enough about me to consider me special above all others.

  11. 32
    Cilla

    @ Selena

    “Negging” is giving a woman a sort of back-handed compliment, that’s actually a subtle insult meant to erode her self-esteem. For example: “You look really pretty in that dress. Next time, you should wear one a little shorter.” Instead of focusing on thinking she looked pretty, the recipient of this “compliment” will be worried that her dress was frumpy and not short enough to look “hot” for her date.

  12. 33
    starthrower68

    Ah yes, the MO of the narcissist and mysoginist. I just didn’t know it had a name. One knows when she is being sincerely complimented and when she’s being “negged” so to speak.

  13. 34
    delicia

    Negging is completely ridiculous. Any man or woman who would give someone a backhanded compliment with the sole intent to erode his or her self-confidence is an ABSOLUTE DOUCHEBAG and should seek the advice of a mental health professional ASAP. Nuff said.

  14. 35
    Selena

    Thanks Steve & Cilla. I actually did google “negging” and hit the urbandictionary site after I posted. Amusing.

    Does this actually work to get girls interested in the guy though? I have a hard time imagining any intelligent male using this “technique” past the age of 23. Anyone who did that to me I would automatically assign to the “jerk” catagory. Even when I was 20.

  15. 36
    Karl R

    starthrower68 said: (#26)
    “women are supposed to be attentive but not too attentive, interested but not eager, appropriately detached but not cold, and ready to have sex so that you get to ‘test drive’ us, but not too ready too soon so that you don’t loose respect for us.”

    I have to agree with delicia (#29). If I’m very interested in the woman, then the woman could be eager, aggressively attentive, ready to have sex the first evening … and I’d be delighted.

    If I’m only slightly interested in the woman, then it’s possible for her to be overly-attentive, overly-eager and too quick to get intimate.

    Whether you’re male or female, you will sometimes run into people who are definitely interested; you can break any “rule” and they’ll still be interested. You will sometimes run into people who are not interested; nothing you do will change that fact. And you will run into some who are on the fence; this is the only time that your actions will affect the outcome.

    It sounds like you’re getting too stressed over circumstances that are mostly outside of your control.

  16. 37
    Melissa

    This definitely DOES NOT apply across the board… that woman are turned off by the puppy dog.

    I LOVE puppy dog guy. I CRAVE puppy dog guy. The guy who lavishes me with attention scores HUGE points with me. whereas mister “play it cool” turns me off.

    The PROBLEM I seem to face, is that they come on like the puppy dog straight out of the gate, lavishing me with attention, calls, wanting to see me 24/7… and then they put on the brakes, right after I’ve gotten used to the attention.

    I would just LOVE to find the man that shows me consistency. The one I’m talking to now calls me about every other day. I would like him to call me everyday because that’s what I’m most comfortable with… but I accept this and I won’t say anything because at least he’s consistent. And that to me, is more important than anything.

  17. 38
    Erika

    The problem I have with guys who call too frequently and shower me with compliments is that it feels like it really has nothing to do with me personally–I’m just a prop for the guy to project all his fantasies onto. I just don’t trust men who are too into me too quickly, because I don’t feel like they actually know me well enough to feel that way!

    Then again, texting once a week is not enough. At some point in the past few years I decided that I wanted someone who wanted me back. When I was dating I briefly dated a guy who would text me once a week. So I started seeing other people. And then I met someone really marvelous and forgot all about the texter. A month goes by and I’m pretty much into a new relationship when texter appears again. I text, “I’m sorry but I’ve met someone else.” He texts back, “Well, I guess it isn’t me.” I don’t respond. Then he texts again, “Is it because I’m too distant?” HA HA! (I’ve been with the other guy going on two years now!)

  18. 39
    Paul

    I gotta disagree with all of ya. What happens to me is I get a certain amount of communications all going on at the same time in different stages with different women, several of them usually because I’m so damn irresistible, and some just quite frankly slip through the cracks! Sorry girls!
    I got a call from one last night I hadn’t talked to in almost a week and she ended up saying “why don’t you call me next time” and I said ” why? I kinda liked getting a call from a woman”!
    So ladies, I’m assuming you’re all “independant” women here, why don’t YOU CALL THEM for once! What are ya, old fashioned?

  19. 40
    Cilla

    @ Paul

    We’re not calling because Evan says we’re supposed to be practicing the mirror technique. How’s that for a stalemate?

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