One of the most frequent questions I receive is about your frustration with the entire dating process and understanding what’s going through the minds of men.
While you’ve made up your mind about him — you love him, and you think he’s the one — you still aren’t confident that your relationship will endure.
This insecurity can take place at any point in a burgeoning relationship.
You’ve been dating him for two weeks and you feel electric chemistry.
You’ve been sleeping with him for three months and you’re not sure you’re exclusive.
You’ve been boyfriend/girlfriend for six months and he hasn’t said “I love you.”
You’ve been a couple for a year and a half and he’s never hinted at a future.
Instances like these are incredibly common — more common than healthy relationships, to tell the truth — and you rightfully want to know if you should stick around or if you should bail.
Thankfully, I’m here to give you a cheat sheet (in the form of the above video) on what signs you should look for to figure out if your boyfriend is falling in love with you.
First of all, as I wrote in a newsletter once upon a time, believe the negatives, not the positives.
On the surface, that might not make sense. But upon further inspection, I would submit that every time you ignored the negatives, they came back to bite you.
The classic example is the guy who tells you at the beginning, “I’m not really looking for a relationship.” But then, drawn by attraction or chemistry or boredom, he starts sleeping with you. Pretty soon, you’re seeing him once a week, receiving regular texts, and he’s telling you how much he enjoys your company.
In your mind, you’re on the verge of having a boyfriend.
In his mind…
In his mind, he’s already warned you that he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend, and now he’s off the hook. He gets to sleep with you on his terms and can’t be accused of being a bad guy because he told you his intentions up front.
Six months later, you’re say you’re in love with him, he tells you it’s over, and you end up heartbroken.
It’s an all-too-common tale — one which could have been avoided if you paid attention to the negatives, and not just the positives (i.e. your feelings for him)?
Similarly, women tend to read way too far into the positives of a great first date. I’m not suggesting that you didn’t have a real connection with your guy, but rather, that the connection itself doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants a relationship.
How many times do you have to get burned by this to know that it’s true? You’re not wrong for wishing that a great first date or mindblowing sex means commitment. You’re only wrong for expecting it to, and allowing yourself to get your hopes up too high based on limited information.
The fact is, men reveal themselves in their actions. It’s not how much fun you had on the first date. It’s how quickly he follows up after that first date to say, “I want to see you again.”
What happens in between the dates is far more important than what happens on the date. Does he call you? Does he feel connected to you? Do you wonder where you stand or feel like you’re losing momentum? If not, it’s not a good sign.
Think back to the men who made the best boyfriends: I can almost assure you that they made a supreme effort to win you over at the beginning. Because that’s what we do when we’re really excited about you.
When we’re not? You know the drill.
A one-line text that says, “Hey, what’s up? Wanna come over?” is about all the effort that he thinks you’re worth. You deserve better. Pay attention to his actions.
And that means pay attention to his boyfriend behavior.
What is boyfriend behavior, you ask?
It’s the kind of actions that men take when they really value you and want to build something tangible.
What happens in between the dates is far more important than what happens on the date.
I’ve already told you that it’s important for him to say, “when can I see you again” within a day or two after seeing you. Any longer than that means he’s playing games, indifferent, or a very poor communicator who doesn’t understand women’s needs.
Other boyfriend behaviors include leaving his weekends open for you, calling/emailing/texting you every single day, wanting to know that you’re not seeing anybody else, referring to himself as your boyfriend, introducing you to his friends and family, sleeping with you regularly, talking about a future, and declaring that he loves you.
Needless to say, this isn’t all going to happen overnight.
But this IS what happens when a man is falling in love with you.
If this isn’t happening in a reasonable amount of time — a few months to become exclusive, a half a year to say he loves you, references to a future pretty much the whole time — you’re putting yourself in the precarious position of being in an unequal dead-end relationship. You’re giving him a free pass on his efforts, all because you’re passionate about him.
That’s not good enough.
If a guy isn’t giving you the boyfriend behavior you deserve, there’s one perfect solution: walk, and don’t look back.
P.S. Even though this video is free…don’t discount the value of it. I have talked to thousands of men and women to draw these conclusions. I hope you can break your “bad man” cycle right away!
If you’ve struggled to understand and connect with the “right” men, do yourself a favor and put in your email address. That will put you on my priority mailing list so that you’ll get first notification when my new offering comes out in a few weeks.
*UPDATE: Love U is now available! Click here to learn more about this coaching program for smart, strong, successful women.