(Video) How Can You Tell If Your Boyfriend Is Falling in Love With You?

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One of the most frequent questions I receive is about your frustration with the entire dating process and understanding what’s going through the minds of men.

While you’ve made up your mind about him — you love him, and you think he’s the one — you still aren’t confident that your relationship will endure.

This insecurity can take place at any point in a burgeoning relationship.

You’ve been dating him for two weeks and you feel electric chemistry.

You’ve been sleeping with him for three months and you’re not sure you’re exclusive.

You’ve been boyfriend/girlfriend for six months and he hasn’t said “I love you.”

You’ve been a couple for a year and a half and he’s never hinted at a future.

Instances like these are incredibly common — more common than healthy relationships, to tell the truth — and you rightfully want to know if you should stick around or if you should bail.

Thankfully, I’m here to give you a cheat sheet (in the form of the above video) on what signs you should look for to figure out if your boyfriend is falling in love with you.

First of all, as I wrote in a newsletter once upon a time, believe the negatives, not the positives.

On the surface, that might not make sense. But upon further inspection, I would submit that every time you ignored the negatives, they came back to bite you.

The classic example is the guy who tells you at the beginning, “I’m not really looking for a relationship.” But then, drawn by attraction or chemistry or boredom, he starts sleeping with you. Pretty soon, you’re seeing him once a week, receiving regular texts, and he’s telling you how much he enjoys your company.

In your mind, you’re on the verge of having a boyfriend.

In his mind…

In his mind, he’s already warned you that he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend, and now he’s off the hook. He gets to sleep with you on his terms and can’t be accused of being a bad guy because he told you his intentions up front.

Six months later, you’re say you’re in love with him, he tells you it’s over, and you end up heartbroken.

It’s an all-too-common tale — one which could have been avoided if you paid attention to the negatives, and not just the positives (i.e. your feelings for him)?

Similarly, women tend to read way too far into the positives of a great first date. I’m not suggesting that you didn’t have a real connection with your guy, but rather, that the connection itself doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants a relationship.

How many times do you have to get burned by this to know that it’s true? You’re not wrong for wishing that a great first date or mindblowing sex means commitment. You’re only wrong for expecting it to, and allowing yourself to get your hopes up too high based on limited information.

The fact is, men reveal themselves in their actions. It’s not how much fun you had on the first date. It’s how quickly he follows up after that first date to say, “I want to see you again.”

What happens in between the dates is far more important than what happens on the date. Does he call you? Does he feel connected to you? Do you wonder where you stand or feel like you’re losing momentum? If not, it’s not a good sign.

Think back to the men who made the best boyfriends: I can almost assure you that they made a supreme effort to win you over at the beginning. Because that’s what we do when we’re really excited about you.

When we’re not? You know the drill.

A one-line text that says, “Hey, what’s up? Wanna come over?” is about all the effort that he thinks you’re worth. You deserve better. Pay attention to his actions.

And that means pay attention to his boyfriend behavior.

What is boyfriend behavior, you ask?

It’s the kind of actions that men take when they really value you and want to build something tangible.

What happens in between the dates is far more important than what happens on the date.

I’ve already told you that it’s important for him to say, “when can I see you again” within a day or two after seeing you. Any longer than that means he’s playing games, indifferent, or a very poor communicator who doesn’t understand women’s needs.

Other boyfriend behaviors include leaving his weekends open for you, calling/emailing/texting you every single day, wanting to know that you’re not seeing anybody else, referring to himself as your boyfriend, introducing you to his friends and family, sleeping with you regularly, talking about a future, and declaring that he loves you.

Needless to say, this isn’t all going to happen overnight.

But this IS what happens when a man is falling in love with you.

If this isn’t happening in a reasonable amount of time — a few months to become exclusive, a half a year to say he loves you, references to a future pretty much the whole time — you’re putting yourself in the precarious position of being in an unequal dead-end relationship. You’re giving him a free pass on his efforts, all because you’re passionate about him.

That’s not good enough.

If a guy isn’t giving you the boyfriend behavior you deserve, there’s one perfect solution: walk, and don’t look back.

Evan

P.S. Even though this video is free…don’t discount the value of it. I have talked to thousands of men and women to draw these conclusions. I hope you can break your “bad man” cycle right away!

If you’ve struggled to understand and connect with the “right” men, do yourself a favor and put in your email address. That will put you on my priority mailing list so that you’ll get first notification when my new offering comes out in a few weeks.

*UPDATE:  Love U is now available! Click here to learn more about this coaching program for smart, strong, successful women.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Daisy

    Mary,

    It’s so true Evan, every single point you  make are absolutely true!   My boyfriend has done all of the boyfriend’s “requirements” as you described.   I also want to share his past history.   Before my boyfriend met me, he had a friend who he slept with her occasionally.   He declared  at the  very beginning  that he didn’t want to have a relationship with her but willing to  be her guy  friend.   She still stick around and “hoping” to get my boyfriend and then offered sex to him.   They had sex for a few months then he met me so he broke up with her.   When I asked him did he ever feel that his action was hurtful his answer was hack NO because he had made it very very clear to his friend.   She was hurt and heartbroken and told my boyfriend that she was actually in love with him.   Girls, please all do ourselves a favor, listen to Evan’s advice, don’t ignore BIG negative and only see the small positives.

  2. 22
    Eric C

    I have seen alot of people asking these same questions on alot of sites. and my answer fits yours to the T. If he is telling a girl up front that he doesn’t want a relationship, it usually means he is using the girl and has given himself the “out”

    But on the flipside, My wife of ten years told me  she didn’t want a relationship and that I shouldn’t try to label her  when we started dating…I didn’t listen:).

  3. 23
    Angie

    @Kristen #3
      
    At eight months, you should be at a comfortable place where you can ask your boyfriend outright if he can envision a future with you.   Has he recently had a crazy ex that might make him shudder at the idea of serious commitment?   Has he been in love before?   You have a right to ask questions like this of your boyfriend.   f you want something, I don’t find anything wrong with letting it be known.
      

    While I know this entire posting is meant for women, men have this problem as well (although men often think “Isn’t love what all women want?”).   This is what that movie “500 Days of Summer” was all about.   I personally think this is a lesson you should learn from your first heartbreak.   No one should repeatedly fall in love with people who are “just not that into you”.
      
    I know it’s tough (and perhaps a glass of wine will help), but if you are a few dates in with a guy who you have great chemistry with, it’s perfectly ok to say “I can see myself developing real feelings for you if we continue dating.”   You don’t have to say “I’m falling in love with you” (b/c that’s probably not true).   If he replies that he doesn’t want something serious, it’s ok to be bummed for a week, but then move along!   It’s not you, it’s him!
      
    I would also like to say that I’ve “not wanted to be serious” at times.   I knew I was moving last year, and didn’t want to fall for someone before I left.   There are a lot of life factors: being committed to your home, job, lifestyle that are involved before you can say “This is my life and I want someone else to be a part of it”.

  4. 24
    Margo

    @Gem #21, this is going to be harsh: My father would advise your friend to tell her “user” to go and take a flying f*** at the moon.

  5. 25
    Ruby

    Gem #21

    I think you’re absolutely right. Even if your friend’s man is “scared”, why doesn’t he work on his fears about relationships before dating first? If they are seeing each other less and less, how does your friend figure that he’s “scared of how close we’re getting?”  Why would you want a pseudo-relationship with a man who’s so frightened anyway?   

    We always think we can change the guy. Better to find someone who doesn’t need intensive therapy or changing to be happy or to fall in love with us.

  6. 26
    Goldie

    @Gem #21, I had a similar arrangement with a guy last year (except he insisted that we be exclusive, but on the other hand, he was willing to go do some couple things together if I organized them). I finally realized that, no matter how much I liked the guy, I could do infinitely better than that. Heck, being single is infinitely better than that! Good luck to your friend.  
      
    And seriously, she needs to stop assuming the best of him and trying to find noble motives in what he does. Scared of his deepening feelings, my ass! He has a readily available FWB and is loving it! How about trying what he’d be like if the shoe is on the other foot? How about she starts dating other people and tells him that she does not want commitment and it is perfectly fine with her that they are not exclusive? See how he reacts.

  7. 27
    xz

    To Eric C, post #23

    You are very right. My ex-boyfriend once explained this to me: when men say “no”, they will almost never change it to “yes”. When women say “no”, it usually means “no for now”, and men should keep trying 😛

    I am   a woman, and it is certainly very true for me, my “no” can often be changed to “yes” if the guy takes the time to understand my reasons and address my concerns.

    I have yet to try-out the theory about guys’ “no” 🙂  

  8. 28
    Kristen

    @Karl R– He does call me his girlfriend and invites me to family stuff, on trips, to wrk parties, etc.

  9. 29
    Gem

    Margo, #25,

    “take a flying f*** at the moon.”

    LOL. Priceless. Only a Dad could come up with this. I love it.

    I wish I could help this gal, but she doesn’t want my advice anymore. However, she’s missing him this weekend because he’s choosing to spend it with his buddys.

    I want to take her forehead and introduce it to the wall. Wake up! I hate it when women give their power away.

    1. 29.1
      Christina

      Hahaha this comment made my day, because even if your friend won’t listen to your advice – I certainly needed to hear that so thank you for introducing me to the wall haha!

      I’m certainly walking away from a certain douche bag and never looking back, thanks Evan for this insightful blog posts 🙂 He’s lost…

  10. 30
    nathan

    You know, I can understand why some women might say “no” to commitment initially, especially if a guy rushes to get her to commit. But I also have to say that as a man who isn’t inclined to pressuring and rushing, if I still hear a “no” when discussions about commitment come up, I’m gone. After a certain point, it really starts to feel like a game to me.
      
    What seems a lot more reasonable, and respectful, is for whomever isn’t quite ready to decide about commitment to say “maybe” and then figure out a way to go into why they aren’t ready yet. I really think part of this whole thing comes down to how unwilling many of us are to being in that uncomfortable place of not knowing for sure. We want definitive answers – NOW. And yet, so often, both people involved aren’t fully over their fears and/or haven’t gotten enough concrete info. and experience with the other to make that leap.

  11. 31
    Tontae

    Gem @30
      I wish I’d had my forehead introduced to the wall back when I refused to leave a man who was abusive and treating me so badly. It was like I was on Crack.
      I am happy to say I am now a year free and “sobered up” from that whack-job ex.  
    Nowadays, I pay attention to what I do, what other people say, and mostly, to what their actions are.
    I have yet to get back into dating – I still have a little more work to do on myself first.
    But now I know where the wall is if I need to use it!  

  12. 32
    Gem

    Tontae,

    I’ve been there too, believe me. I broke up with a workaholic because he could never seem to find time to make me/us a priority. There was so much that was so right about our relationship but I don’t want to come second to an 80 work week. He treated me wonderful which made it harder to leave but after my own head hit the wall a few times, I knew what I had to do, LOL…

  13. 33
    Angie

    Ok, maybe I missed something here.
    You say that the guy is off the hook “in his mind” cuz he told you at the beginning he didn’t want a relationship. But then you advocate to judge a man by his actions not his words.
    So  if the guy  SAYS he doesn’t want a relationship, but then he ACTS like he wants one, i.e. hanging out, talking & texting & emailing, sleeping with you, etc., then how are you supposed to judge?
    It  cuts both ways, of course. He can say he wants a relationship, then act like an unavailable jerk. Or he can insist he’s not ready, but then behave like a true boyfriend.
    Should we just not give these guys a chance because they’re declaring up front that they don’t want to be involved?

  14. 34
    Nans

    The end of the video said it all to me – if he isn’t treating you the way you deserve be treated, get out.   End of story.   Why settle for anything less?   We deserve far more than crumbs.

  15. 35
    Laine

      I loved the video Evan. I’ve been seeing a guy for the past 3 months and he  has met all the  boyfriend behavior milestones you mentioned,  including leaving his weekends open for me, calling/emailing/texting  me every single day, referring to  us as a couple, sleeping with  me exclusively &  regularly, etc. However, the negative for me is that he has never taken his dating  profile down. When I asked him about it he says that he is not seeing anyone, but likes the attention. I have told him that I am not comfortable with that and he wanted to know what was my fear, and didnt I trust him. Everything was fantastic until this. Now Im 3 months in and emotionally involved.

    1. 35.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Laine – I don’t take questions in the comments section, but this one was too easy:

      Dump him.

  16. 36
    Laine

    Thanks for taking the trouble to respond Evan. Much appreciated :))

  17. 37
    Gem

    Update! My co-worker from (#21) just told us that her boyfriend broke up with her for good. After she “fought” to keep him and thought things were better than ever, he slept with her for, what, a week or two more, and then told her he really didn’t have feelings for her.

    Ugh! She needs Evan, STAT.

  18. 38
    Tanya

    I love this video. But… since you didn’t blink once during the whole thing, I’ve come to the conclusion that you’re a dating coach  cyborg. Albeit, a handsome,  knowledgeable one. :-S

  19. 39
    Heather

    Great video and post! I had the same question on mind before we go to the, “I love you” part and now the we’re going to be married, and we’re going to have a family together. He sometimes is a little off  but I think that’s from inexperience, and I accept that his mind is in twenty different places, with school, work, friends, gaming, me, getting a place, etc… so right now I’ll let the little things slide 😉  
      

  20. 40
    Riki

    6 months ago I got out of a long term relationship where I thought he was the one, but he always had excuses & when I broke up with him told me he was almost ‘ready’ and it hurt me even more.   Then a few months ago I met my now boyfriend, and I realise that what I had with my ex was nothing in comparison to what I have now, simply from reading/watching this insight. I always blamed myself for the breakdown in my last relationship, but you showed me that it wasn’t all me.

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