How Do I Get Men Outside My Race To Commit To Me?

I have a question that I don’t think you’ve been asked before! I’m a slim and attractive, successful black woman who only dates Caucasian men – but I can’t get one to commit! It’s so frustrating, I seem to be a curiosity. They all say, “I’ve never been out with a black women before” as if all my bits are going to be different to any other woman on this planet. If I’m lucky, they’ll date me briefly, but it’s purely about the sex! (I haven’t had many sexual partners. I’m 36 and have slept with under 10.) I’m extremely fussy who I “put out” for. I’m on two dating sites: eHarmony and Match Affinity – both USELESS. I don’t find most men on them attractive and, of the ones that I do, they don’t like me! Anyway, I’ve just read your newsletter. You must be a mind reader as yesterday I was thinking of closing both accounts!

So here’s my question: men clearly find me attractive, but how do I get a Caucasian man to commit? My sister gets men to commit but you wanna see the state of them – I have higher standards! I’ve spoken to my guy friends (all Caucasian) and their feedback is: it’s rare that they meet black women (let alone attractive ones) and while they’d date one, they would never settle down and have children! Is this because most people picture their future from an early age and mixing it up doesn’t quite sit right? I’m so sick of the “you’re really attractive, why are you single” comments because I don’t KNOW why I’m single. Even the men I have dated think I’m great – so why am I not great enough to settle down with??? In the UK, Caucasian women have no problems dating black men. It’s not uncommon to see this type of couple – however, flip the coin and you’re in a different realm. The only men I attract are the ones I don’t fancy or have a different agenda to me! So I realise that in this ever decreasing dating pool, my numbers are even smaller than most women as I don’t and won’t date within my race. I just don’t find black men attractive! So what to do – am I living in a dream world and need to maybe just get into my head that I’m meant to be single? Thanks, from a rather frustrated and almost desperate Jae!

Dear Jae,

Yes. You’re living in a dream world.

To understand why, I need to pick apart your letter, line by line, and hold a mirror up to you, so you can see what I see.

You can’t MAKE anyone do anything.

First of all, your question, “How do I get a Caucasian man to commit?” sounds as silly to me as, “How do I get a black woman to commit?”

You’re a black woman, Jae. How would you answer that question if I told you that my black girlfriends always dump me?

If you were smart, you’d tell me one of these three things:

1. You can’t MAKE anyone do anything, Evan. Therefore, any question like “How do I make Jae love me? How do I make her want to change her behavior?” is pointless.

2. If black women are attracted to Jewish men but don’t want to marry us, there’s not much I can do about it, is there? No more than some guitarist can complain that women are attracted to him but don’t want to marry a 40-year-old guy who plays for tips in the subway. It may not be fair, but it’s reality. So if a black woman doesn’t see herself having mixed race Jewish kids, you’re probably not going to be a good fit for her life, Evan –  even if you’re both nice, attractive people. That’s life.

3. There’s no difference between black women and other women, Evan. They’re just “women”. So the question remains: why would any woman dump you?

That leads us to the next part of today’s tough love post: “Why would any man dump you, Jae?” (Note to other readers: this a good thing for you to contemplate, too, since humility and self-awareness are the keys to any long-term relationship.)

From your email, I’ve learned a few things:

Stop looking down on nice guys who want to commit to you.

You have a big ego.

You don’t find most men attractive.

You won’t date within your own race.

You look down on the commitment-oriented white men who fall for your sister since they’re beneath your standards.

Do I even need to say anything else as to why you’re still single?

No, I do not.

If you want to find love, just undo everything I restated above.

Get over yourself. You may be attractive and successful, but quality men care more about your kindness and character and humor than how much you make.

Learn to give men a chance, even if they’re not your type. After all, don’t you want a bunch of Caucasian men to give YOU a chance even if you’re not THEIR type?

Open up to black men, since that’s the most obvious pool of candidates who’d be interested in you.

Stop looking down on nice guys who want to commit to you. They’re better long-term relationship bets than the white men who are using you for exotic sex, don’t you think?

I appreciate your frustration and thank you for your letter, but you’re completely focused on things you can’t change (white men!) instead of the only thing you CAN change (your perceptions, actions and reactions.)

Join our conversation (150 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 1
    Karl R

    Evan said: (original post)
    “You look down on the commitment-oriented white men who fall for your sister since they’re beneath your standards.”

    I’m not sure that’s correct.

    Jae said: (original post)
    “My sister gets men to commit but you wanna see the state of them – I have higher standards!”

    As far as I can tell, Jae didn’t specify the race of the men committing to her sister (though Evan may have edited the letter for length). They might be black men.

    Regardless, Jae comes across to me as a bigot. She won’t consider even dating a black man (even though his bits are no different than mine). Jae has “higher standards.” Not only does she need to find a man who isn’t a bigot, she has to find a non-bigotted man who is willng to overlook her bigotry. Ironically, otherwise tolerant people are remarkably intolerant of bigots.

    Furthermore, when someone refuses to date within their own race, that sends up a huge red flag. It gives the strong appearance that person has esteem issues about their race or even self-loathing about their race.

    And if Jae is interested in raising a family, this gets even messier. Do you think an open-minded man wants his children to learn intolerance from their mother? Do you think a man wants his mixed-race son to have a mother who believes that black men are inadequate?

    I can’t tell what Jae actually feels/believes about black men. But I’ve stated what an outsider is likely to perceive (correctly or incorrectly).

    1. 1.1
      Pandora Esperanza

      “And if Jae is interested in raising a family, this gets even messier. Do you think an open-minded man wants his children to learn intolerance from their mother? Do you think a man wants his mixed-race son to have a mother who believes that black men are inadequate?”

      Great point Karl R

    2. 1.2

      Karl R,

      Bigot may be a bit strong. Just because you’re not attracted to a certain group of people, doesn’t mean that you’re intolerant of those people, or hold hatred or animosity towards them.

      My ex boyfriend was only attracted to blonds (all his girlfriends, as well as his wife were/are blond). This doesn’t mean he’s bigoted towards brown haired people, or shouldn’t raise kids who have brown hair in case his intolerance affects them…

  2. 2
    Ms V

    Evan…. you hit the nail on the head.   Jae seems like she has plenty of reasons why any man (regardless of race) would not want to commit to her.  I’m a black woman and I can NOT relate to Jae at all.  Two things I’ve learned from reading your blog that have helped my dating life tremendously is “stay open” and “be fun”.  Even if she isn’t attracted to black men (which I do NOT understand), what about dating Asian, Middle Eastern, or Indian guys?  Why not make the pool as big as possible?
    Let’s be real she isn’t exactly a spring chicken, either. At 36 she is starting  off with a smaller pool.  I’m 31 and it seems like the 30-40 men (regardless of race) on match want women 25-33.

    1. 2.1

      Nothing wrong with being attractived to white men, but I think she should hold off on being intimate with any man until you really spend time to know each other. A few months of dating , no sex , would make a difference in the level of commitment she gets from her man!

      1. 2.1.1

        Black men are not attracted to black women they see them as ugly


        1. Rumple S.

          because they are

  3. 3

    I agree with others that it sounds like one of her problems is narrow-mindedness and another is self-loathing of her own race, but I think she also may be setting her sights too high.  Either she is trying to date 8s thinking she is an 8 when she is really a 5, or she knows she is a 5 and is shooting for 8s (and then wondering why that isn’t working out, when it’s obviously because the 8s are going for 10s).

    I also wonder why she places such a weird premium on having been with a very low number of partners.  I mean, I’m all for being safe sexually, but if you are that age and have had that few partners then maybe you are placing too much importance on sex and what sex means for a relationship.  Making a relationship sexual doesn’t have to mean that it’s super serious, and if you expect it to mean that, then maybe that’s why guys aren’t committing.  How can you expect them to commit to you when you clearly aren’t opening up to them?  Loosen up, have some fun, don’t worry about where every relationship is heading right out of the gate and just see whose company you enjoy.

    I also wonder about her “standards” – when I was in my 20s I wanted the “whole package” – looks, intellect, high powered career.  I did get all that in my boyfriend, but the things that I really value about him now (we are in our early 30s) and what I’d be looking for if I were single are kindness, maturity, and generosity of spirit.

  4. 4

    Some where along the way she will have to find a compromise in what she’s looking for.  Or at least figure out which ones are make or break type issues.  From my experience, it’s tough to find someone who meets my standards and vice versa.  And it’s even more complicated when you’re dating interracial.  Sometimes the local social/dating scene dictates some of this also.  I’m blessed to live in a area that is open to dating outside my race.

  5. 5

    Where do you live?

  6. 6

    Wow!  I have to say, I love the feedback I’m reading.  I completely agree with Kurt R.  I read the same thing in relation to her sister getting men to commit to her.  Also, I too am a black woman.  I’ve dated the rainbow.  I had men from other races want to commit to me, want to spend time with me and I was to “fast” to slow down and enjoy the ride.  I was forever doing my own thing, meeting new guys daily.  Never gave the good guys a real chance.  I was the one who didn’t want to commit because I was having too much fun, enjoying being free.

    I don’t believe that it’s a black/white/purple/orange thing (I’ve been on both sides of the coin, i.e. non-commital, etc.).  I think it’s a “where’s your priorities” thing.  What’s more important, a guy who treats you with kindness and respect or the guy who looks good on paper?  Who cares what color he is.  Men are men (people are people).  There are wonderful black, hispanic, white, asian, etc. men out there.  If a man is into you and wants to commit to you he will.  It has nothing to do with the pigmentation of his skin.  Just my humble opinion.

    1. 6.1

      Thanks for saying how you think us guys are awesome. It’s nice to hear that from a woman.

  7. 7

    They will commit to you. Commit to leaving your self loathing a** alone!.  It’s like the cat that just wants to mate with dogs.  They may wanna do ya but they sense that something is really wrong. Girl you need to get on somebody’s couch.
    A Happy Black woman

  8. 8

    Although i agree with what everyone said about how she needs to calm down a little, and be a tad more realisitc. Being a black women myself,i do completly understand a lot of the “jungle fever” attitudes that come from caucasian men. And it really does make it difficult to try and find ones that are just pursuing you and putting forth effort to eventually get you in bed or not.

  9. 9

    I am married to a man of a different race. So I consider that “committed” to me. All my life I have been attracted to me of different races & even from different countries too. Luckily they are attracted to me also.

    All (100%) of the men I wanted to marry, married me. All the men I wanted to date were commited to me also.

    I think men do what they “want” to do. If they want you , then they automaticly are “committed” to the girl they want. But if you try to “force” things , you will get “resistance” everytime. There is no easy answer to the questions people write here. You would have to live in the same house with them, & follow them around all day & see & hear every word & see every action, to be able to give an accurate reply here.  

    I think it might be better for Jae to ask some friend who can be “honest” what is her opinion, even if the “truth” hurts. It might be a habit that Jae is not even aware of, when she is with her men. She might over-power the converstions, be too demanding in some way, too serious, too funny, too playful? too quiet? You would have to be a fly-on-the-wall along with her on her dates, to see if there is some kind of habit that is a turn-off for her dates. Most men try to spare the feelings of their dates, as “gentlemen”, so theyw ill most likely “never” tell her what she is doing that annoys them.

  10. 10

    I liked Evan’s response, he’s right on. It seems like the original question/headline would be better worded:

    What can I do to be more attractive to men?

  11. 11

     It’s amazing in this day and age how people can be blind to their own issues. Jae is mixed yet has totally discounted the other half of her race. I feel there is a lot more to her story than she is telling and without knowing the full scoop…we are just taking a stab in the dark. I understand why some choose not to date interracially but when you are a product of a mixed union and you refuse to acknowledge part of who you are…there is typically something more to it.
     But based on what I was able to read, she does seem to have a huge chip on her shoulder and I guess it’s in her blind spot but I’m willing to bet that the men see this hence the lack of commitment. It goes back to what many say about interracial dating. I will date one but I won’t marry one.

    1. 11.1

      I hear you JYD, but then, how do you explain all of the black men who have no problem with white women who won’t date white men? This is something I’ve noticed about my black friends. If a white woman won’t date white men, then it’s OK, it’s just her preference, but if a black woman won’t date black men, then there must be some problem there. It’s never just her preference. There is something wrong with her.

      1. 11.1.1

        I don’t think it’s completely fair that people are saying that something is wrong with her because she prefers to date white men. This is a preference that she is entitled. As a black woman myself, I find it difficult to relate to many black men that I meet. Culturally, we just don’t fit very well. Also, let’s be honest hear. Statistically, the education and economic gaps between black men and black women are very large. When you include the  incarceration rates, it very logically for some black women to look to other races for companionship. Now, I’m still open to dating black men but it’s extremely rare that we click. I go on dates with them because I don’t want to feel like I’m not being open but it’s difficult. Especially when you’re really educated and have a high salary. It’s not about being arrogant, it’s the truth, huge gaps in education and salary can be somewhat difficult on dating. Nonetheless, I find many black
        men attractive however it’s the other things that don’t click very well. 

      2. 11.1.2

        Ok with people in general but not with thw whites in her family. White women are villified by their community,family and friends when they date black men just as black women are.

      3. 11.1.3

        I understand what you’re saying man. It’s not fair either way man. I’m not white but I do understand what you guys go through man. When women of any particular race say they don’t date their own race because they’re just not attracted to them and / or give a myriad of negative to justify their actions it’s always because those women have been hurt or severely disappointed by the men of her own race. This can range from being raped to just being constantly hurt in relationships by her own men. So they try to avoid being hurt to that extent by only involving themselves with a group of men that are totally opposite of her own race. So even when these men hurt her it’s still not as bad as the pain she felt by being hurt by men of her own race.

        Another thing is just racism and a massive superiority complex some black guys have regarding white people period. So when they see a White guy with a hot black woman that wouldn’t give him the time of day it’s a huge blow to his ego.

        1. Mark

          It’s funny how you only see hot black women with white dudes but when you see a black man and a white girl they’re usually busted looking. There is still a stigma for attractive white women to date black men unless they’re famous or rich. Hollywood rarely puts the young, hot white actress with a black actor in love scenes ( Focus being the exception) which only proves that white men still have that fear of black men having sex with white women….especially attractive white women.

        2. Curious dude

          Some Black men “have a massive superiority complex”….why do you say this Transientdude? What evidence do you have for saying such a thing?

  12. 12
    Theresa H

    Jae – I dont think your color is the issue….women all over the world are saying the same thing about the men they are dating right now! The only other comment I have is that when women express extreme disbelief/bewilderment at their own single status when they consider themselves such a catch it makes me wince a little…..
    I’m sure it will all come good eventually – good luck!

  13. 13

    She sounds frustrated with dating, and I think we can all empathize with that.

    The good news is she is CURIOUS about learning how to do better.  Whether she takes the advice and re-phrases the question is up to her.

  14. 14

    #11 – Jae identified herself as black at the beginning of her letter. Did I miss where she explained that she was “mixed?”
    Also, just wondering if anyone has insight into how interracial dating is different in the UK versus the US (or elsewhere).

  15. 15

    I do have to wonder when Jae says she doesn’t find black men attractive and only wants to date Caucasian men. The term “Caucasian” covers a very wide spectrum of types and ethnicities. Is she trying to “trade up” somehow? Fit in with the dominant culture? She seems to place such a high premium on the man’s being Caucasian to the exclusion of everything else. How ironic that she claims to have such high standards when she dates men who don’t really want her. Since she dates men who are willing to lower their own standards in order to go out with her (for sex), this tells me that she doesn’t place a very high value on herself, despite the fact that she thinks she does. Like the man who wrote last week complaining that the women he was dating didn’t value his niceness, the men Jae dates don’t really value her for who she is – a black woman. She is over-emphasizing race to the exclusion of more important qualities like commitment and tolerance.

  16. 16

    Also, if Jae does date a Caucasian man, wouldn’t it make sense to go out with a guy who doesn’t view her as an exotic curiosity right off the bat (“I’ve never been out with a black woman before”), but perhaps one who has dated women of other races before? If she wants a man who is open-minded, though, she’s going to have to become more open-minded herself.

  17. 17

    I’ve been lurking for a few weeks and as someone who recently decided to finally try online dating, this post definitely strikes a chord with me.
    I do hope that Jae or someone else who has lived in the UK chimes in about how interracial dating might be different there.  Black men who want to cross over don’t seem to have a problem anywhere.  I’ve been as a tourist  several times but it’s hard to know what life is like there. Plenty of men here in the U.S.(black, white, and other, will check every box but black), so I hope she’s not contacting them b/c I can see how someone like that might respond and go out with her but not commit.
    If she can find some, she’d probably have better luck with certain white expats from countries where I see a lot of white men married to black women (France, for example, and Germans are open to it too). My black friends who lived in London for a bit dated those guys while there.
    One thing that I will say as a black woman is that someone’s ability to seriously date outside of his race doesn’t necessarily depend on having a “habit” of dating interracially, but perhaps on simply encountering people of that race in daily life.  It’s great if he does have a black girlfriend in his past(there are things that you don’t have to explain) but that’s not necessary for you to be the one who gets the ring.  Of course, Scandanavian and German men don’t seem to have gotten that memo, as many of my friends here in the States and Canada have gotten married to men of that background who NEVER got to see or date any other black women.
    And here in the U.S., it’s the black women who frequently block out men of other races (although truthfully, since we aren’t presented as the paragons of beauty anywhere, a lot of those men don’t find us attractive anyway-I mean, I’ve read/heard white men describe Beyonce as being obese for goodness sakes. Our bodies are definitely not appreciated by a lot of men).
    However, in the UK, once you leave London, the non-black population plummets so I wonder if Jae is facing the challenge of being just too different for the men.
    I don’t think she should associate the failure to commit with the men’s race, b/c ultimately, a man who is into her enough won’t care what his family and friends say, and some of those German men who married my friends did have family members who disowned them, and in one case, the mother (but not the father) refused to come to the wedding.
    It’s always a problem when a black woman says that she won’t date within her race.  It’s a problem to me when anyone says that.  They are likely attaching a negative or positive (and frequently offensive either way) stereotypes to those people.  If the UK is like the US and Jae is a highly educated professional, then statistically, the men who share her education and income level are less likely to be black. For me, a good education is non-negotiable so by default, that does leave a lot of  black men out, but I would never say no to one who met those criteria simply b/c he was black.
    I disagree that she’s overrating herself overall, although reining in the ego and being kinder, gentler, and more nurturing is something that she might need to work on.  But I will say that she needs to understand that a black women could be an 8 or 10 but at least on a white man’s(and really society’s) scale could be a 5.  Plenty of people on this site claim to be 8’s or 10’s without challenge, so I’m loath to do that here.  However, thanks to the media, her value as a trophy even if she’s gorgeous just isn’t there. I hate the rating system, but I’d say that if she was a white woman who only wanted to date black men, she could be a 5 or lower and still be quite successful. White women are the ideal and given a lot of value by men of all races. They are always going to have the most hits in online dating.
    I’ll admit that a lot of successful black women have trouble putting what makes them successful professionally and academically to the side when dating.  And we can have some excessive requirements.  Are nice professional men who would commit  contacting her but getting ignored b/c they are losing their hair or are only 5’8? I wonder if she’s turning down white men who probably on paper match her well but maybe don’t look like Pierce Brosnan (b/c if I was in the UK I’d imagine that’s who I’d fancy).
    I think she can have plenty of options, just not as many as her white counterparts, and if educated black men fancy her too, she needs to give them a chance. If she was writing in with the same story and complaining about not being able to get any black men to commit (which is FAR more common), then I’d have the same advice.  Odds are, to get what she wants, she needs to open up her racial preferences(ironic, since black women are usually being scolded to give someone OTHER than black men a chance).  I can see how many won’t and she doesn’t need to entertain them, but she shouldn’t treat them all as if they can’t.
    Truthfully, as far as getting a commitment, my black friends got to the altar a lot FASTER once they started replying to the white men.  A black man who has it going on is either dating interracially where he gets a lot of mileage for the black male stereotype and for being successful and educated (much more rare for black men than for black women-is that true in the UK too?)
    So I hope things will work out for Jae.  My friends, who I think are probably 8-10s in every way (Ivy League educated, multiple degrees, good looking) have done really well with the white men, and found men who were attractive, equally well-educated (something that was going to be impossible to come by since the black men we went to school with repeatedly passed us over OR dated and wouldn’t commit).  She does need to accept that for a lot of men of ALL races, her looks could be amazing but still don’t translate for them b/c it’s not what gets thrown at them everyday.
    Sorry this is so long, it kind of combines my thoughts from a lot of things, esp. on the topic of race, that I’ve been reading here.

    1. 17.1

      Wow! You hit the nail on the head. My friends and family made me feel bad for mostly dating outside of my race but I went to an Ivy League college and I have two masters degree. It’s been very difficult to relate to the average black men culturally. I would definitely date an equally educated black man but my options are extremely limited. For that reason, my preference is usually for non black men, however I am still open to black men. Also, black men are less likely to commit out of ever single race. I’m tired of people making me feel like I’m delusional and self-loathing because of my preference. Is it not logical to want to date men who are more likely to commit and men who you are more likely to have things in common with? 

      1. 17.1.1

        I think that you place too much value on economics and education in a relationship. Your salary and education level are just that. . . . attainable tangibles. That has nothing to do with how that man will treat you, respect you, honor you, love you, etc.

        It seems you’d take a cheating, disrespectful man so long as he earns six figures and has a PhD.

        I would not be married today if my wife thought this way when we met. She felt I was the one, though I looked far from it. When she and I met, I was down out. . .  in EVERY area of my life. I told her that one day soon I will make it worth your while. She loved me and loved me with all that she had. Fast forward three years and she feels like she feels like she’s living a fairy tale.

        Do you want the man that is for you or do you want a trophy?

  18. 18

    Wow Evan – And Kurt both nailed it.  
    I’m a  woman who happens to be multi-racial who has a loving committed relationship with a man who happens to be Caucasian and from Italy.    He never looked at me as a woman with dark skin and curly hair – he looked at me and still does as a beautiful, kind, sweet heart woman. This is how he introduced me to a good friend of his on Sunday afternoon at a Christmas party.   
    Now, I’ve traveled the world – and I’ve been in committed relationships with men from around the world. I’ve actually found that in the UK and Republic of Ireland that I’m not a ‘curiousity’ but that men there that are Caucasian tend to be more relaxed about the color of skin.  I’m not saying everyone there is – but the men I’ve encountered there were interested in me for reasons other than that.
    I’m wondering if the OP is putting ‘out’ the Exotic Something Something Until Something Better Comes Along vibe or if she is really truly displaying ‘feminine’ energy with the men she meets?  In reading her description of herself – if she is TELLING men that she’s a beautiful catch – well . .  . I think most men find that to be a turn off.  As well, it doesn’t really say WHO she is and WHAT she’s about .  . . other than her looks and sexuality.  
    Yes – men are visual – and they do initially pick on whether they find a PARTICULAR woman attractive to THEM.  Their eyes, their view, how they PERCEIVE her.  But after that, you have to bring your F (feminine) Game to the table, and share the gifts of your heart, or risk him walking away.

  19. 19

    Ruby #15, I agree with you. It sounds as though if Jae were offered the choice: “Which would you rather have: a white guy who will date you but not commit to you, or a good guy of any other race (black, Asian, Hispanic) who wants to marry you?”, she would choose the former. She DOES sound more obsessed about race than about any other quality.
    That is sad, but – to each his own. Everyone has their different tastes, and while we may not consider them particularly wise, so be it.
    I would offer that Jae needs to prioritize. What matters to her most (even if others find it misguided)? Is it more important that she be married to a good guy, or that the guy she finds is Caucasian? (By “Caucasian,” I think she means white, even if Caucasian does take a much broader sweep of ethnicities.) If it is the former, then Evan’s advice is spot-on. If it is the latter… well, she should be aware of just how much she has narrowed her choices, and should also be aware of the good points Karl R brings up in #1 about the tolerant white guy’s viewpoint.

  20. 20

    Helen #19
    “Everyone has their different tastes, and while we may not consider them particularly wise, so be it.” 
    My point in bringing this up is that if Jae were white and said that she was attracted to black men, I could understand that preference. However, a “Caucasian” could be blond and blue-eyed, or dark and swarthy, so it almost seems as if any Caucasian would fit the bill, as long as he’s white. On some level, does she think that any white male has more status than a black man does? That is what I’m wondering. 

  21. 21

    Walk over to the closest mirror, take a good look at yourself and say, “I am not a victim of the world I see.” Repeat as necessary.

    1. 21.1

      I love this mantra! After reading Jae’s post I believe Jae is being honest about what her personal dating experiences have been like. Also, I agree with most of what Evan said EXCEPT: Open up to black men, since that’s the most obvious pool of candidates who’d be interested in you. This statement is not factual and it also reiterates what Jae was saying about white men only wanting her for sex. The truth is as a black woman myself, I have been where Jae is. I have met black men who will not date black women because of the negative stereotypes associated with us: loud, overweight, uneducated not attractive. I have met white men who see black women as a sexual exhibition but not “wifey” material. And I have met black women who refuse to date black men because of all the negative stereotypes associated with them: drug dealers, always in jail, uneducated, having multiple children with multiple women. The point is that these stereotypes are degrading, misleading and just plain wrong most of the time. Nevertheless, many people believe these stereotypes and choose to date or pick their mate based off of them. That is why I like @Marc’s advice so much, and I think that is the best advice Jae can take away from this. No matter what type of man  you have dated in the past, no matter what your age is and what you do or what you look like, you will find love. Don’t be a victim, just keep the faith. Yes, I believe Jae needs to deal with the real reason on why she refuses to date black men. I do not buy  “I am just not attracted to them!” I am a black woman who has been attracted to black men, white men, indian men, native american men, middle eastern men, spanish men and asian men. My only preference is height (I like a tall man), build (I like a man with muscles), expressive eyes, and facial hair! You can find these physical features in any culture! When you start saying you won’t date a person because of the color of their skin,  it is usually because of some ridiculous stereotype you have heard! “White men have small packages” or “Middle Eastern men abuse their women”. Once again, these are not factual statements, but are ignorant biases that give a person a narrow view of the world and depletes their dating pool. Jae right now you are playing the victim, and your negative views of yourself and other people are bringing the wrong people in your life. Change your mindset honey, truly learn to love yourself and the right man will come! 

  22. 22

    This reminds me of my situation in my previous relationship: I was living with a Chinese man.  A lot of people kept asking me “how can you be with a Chinese?” or “Why did you chose a Chinese?”.
    I’ve never understood either questions.  I didn’t chose Chinese, I chose HIM.  Not because he’s Chinese or not, but because I loved HIM.
    I totally agree with Evan, race has absolutely nothing, but nothing to do with it.  And if for the other party it has, then forget about him, he’s not worth it.
    I must admit though that I don’t understand this desire to date only white men.  As said above, people are people no matter what race…

  23. 23

    I read many good ideas for Jae here. She should try them all & see what might work best for her.

    I have family in the UK, Switzerland, & also in France. I did not notice a high degree of interacial couples in either of these 3 countries. If you look at the big picture, of each country , say like 100% population, then most married couples in all 3 countires, looked like they were the same race. When you shop & eat out, you see all people or every race, & it looks like most races in these 3 countries were of the same races.

    I take lots of pics when I go out shopping too (just for pleasure), in the random pics there are all kinds of people, but most of families & couples look like the same race.

    For myself, I like a different flavor, so I married a different race, because that is what we “both” wanted to do. 

    Jae, just keep your eyes & your options open. Your “Prince” will come. You may have to see lots of ugly frogs along the way, but eventually, over time, your true “Prince” will come.

    I agree with Andrea #17 commit, you might have to look beyond “Tall” & “Long Rocker-Hair” to get your Prince. He may be a short & balding Prince (they come in all shapes & sizes you know) lol

  24. 24

    Ruby #20
    I’m not sure I understand your point about why it might make sense for Jae as a white women to prefer black men but not the other way around.
    It sounds as if you are under the impression that the variation in appearance doesn’t exist in black men.  A black man could have light skin, light eyes, light hair, etc. or he could be extremely dark, or somewhere in between. Too often, people assume that they know someone’s genotype because of their phenotype, which isn’t true, and it’s what leads people to make too many assumptions about what a “black” person looks like.
    This is about race and not phenotype, b/c even it’s a rare, if you said you wanted a red-headed or blond-haired black man, or a black man with green eyes, you could definitely find that (the eyes actually aren’t that rare).
    I can’t speak for Jae, but I wonder if she’s associating the worst stereotypes concerning black men with ALL black men, and is therefore avoiding them all together.
    If she does chime in, I’d suggest that she try an interracial dating site. She’d have to sift through people with fetishes and people with real interest, but at least she’d know that the men there were actually looking for black women.
    As someone who isn’t an “outsider” to Jae’s situation, my take on it is that it’s not that she wants a white guy whether he’s good or not.  My guess (as another black woman) is that she wants a white guy b/c she’s convinced that they are collectively better.  And depending on what her needs and wants are, they probably are “better.”  A higher percent will have college degrees for example.  However, it is silly for her to discard ALL black men for the failures or limitations of some.  To understand the root of her desire, you’d have to know what she was willing to tolerate simply for the sake of being with a white man.  Could he be less educated?  It doesn’t sound like she wants him to be less attractive. That leads me to think that she might want an educated professional, and is choosing white men because there are more of them that fit that profile. Will she accept “less” from a man simple because he is white? We don’t know.
    It’s a slippery slope, and without more info, it’s hard to know if she’s making sweeping generalizations about the black men she meets and is  just throwing out the baby with the bathwater, whether she’s rejecting them preemptively, or if she has issues of self-loathing (yes, some people want to marry non-black people to have children who have a different phenotype).
    I do think that she needs to realize that if she’s attempting to date across racial lines, her value does take a hit even if she’s a very attractive woman-also, we kind of all know that education and professional success don’t get women nearly as much as they get men in the dating world.
    In case anyone is interested, do a sort of black women and black men on the basis of just education and you’ll see the kinds of differences that exist. Also, check out who the black men are looking for.  Several exclude black women, and few ONLY consider black women.  But the fact that a lot of non-black men include everyone except black women makes me think that Jae is limiting herself too much by just looking at white men.  She has to cast a wider net.

  25. 25
    Hot Alpha Female

    Evan, I’m so glad that you posted this question and you answered it how you did. I think the fundamental issue here is not about the colour or race of the men that Jae is interested in, rather it is her opinion and interaction with men.
    I believe Jae needs to open herself up again to men of all sorts. Go on dates with them, enjoy their company and don’t discredit men so quickly. All this list building, keeps Jae safe. It keeps her from really having a man.
    So she needs to also look at the reasons why she feels she needs to protect herself. Is it because she actually doesn’t want to get hurt. Maybe its a particular belief about men.
    She has to focus on the root of the problem (her inability to trust me) rather than the symptom (can’t get them to commit).
    Hot Alpha Female

  26. 26

    All i have to say is:- when you don’t like yourself or even love all of the parts of yourself (your heritage) why on earth would any man of any race want to commit to that.  Isn’t a successful relationship about two healthy, whole, individuals coming together not one broken piece trying to be healed by another – just a thought….

  27. 27

    Her dating issues sound like issues women of all races and cultures face. Since she primarily dates whilte men, that’s where her experience lies. Although it’s curious that she doesn’t date any black men. However, I am a white woman who, while I’ve dated a limited few men outside my race, am primarily attracted to other white men. Does that make me a bigot? I don’t think so. Anymore then it makes Jae one for not dating men of her own race. She might not be comfortable with her own hertiage. But the fact that she doesn’t date men of her hertitage isn’t proof of that alone.

  28. 28

    Andrea #24

    My point was that it doesn’t sound like Jae has a particular physical type that she prefers, just that the most important thing is that the man is Caucasian. She doesn’t really explain her lack of attraction to non-Caucasians, so I wondered. My questions are similar to the ones you raise.

  29. 29

    Attraction is not a choice. It seems most of the commenter’s are suggesting Jae should look at other races besides whites.
    She is attracted to white men lets work with that. The white men she is attracted to probably have rejected a lot of other white women too. At the end of the day she is working to find a white guy she finds desirable that would commit to her.
    Realistically we are talking about leagues again. She is also at a age range where men have more power vs women. All the men who want to be in relationships are probably taken and etc.
    Realistically if she wants a white man to commit to her she would have to compromise like her sister. It is the sad reality you can’t change reality. You can only change your expectations.

    1. 29.1

      Attraction is definitely a choice.

  30. 30

    She has a racial fetish, many do. Asian women date heavily outside of their race and have no problem finding a mate. Many Black American men have a racial fetish, too and have no problem finding a mate.
    I think that Rae should cast her net, join more intterracial dating sites and maybe purchase Evan’s book Why Men Disappear. Bone up on the subject of IR dating.
    Google and visit some Black Women Empowerment blogs, there she will find support for her wish to date WM.
    Personally I think Rae should keeping being chosy, keep her fetish, that’s her choice. Go to where the WM are join clubs go out dancing and join as many dating sites as you can.
    Market yourself! But … bone up on Evan’s dating tips.
    I for one and maybe I’m the only one but I think she is going to find the perfect WM as soon as she changes how she dates.

    1. 30.1

      I agree with this.  Nothing wrong with loving men outside your race at all.  You can’t control who you are attracted too. It’s not worth dating a race you are not attracted too just to get a man. You will not be happy at all. I think it’s how she comes off to men is what’s the problem. She should join interracial dating sites and go out in the real world to join organizations and events where she increases her chances of finding the white man she wants.  Me, I am a black woman and I love Asian men. I joined events, clubs, groups,  brushed up on my Japanese and found my Asian prince and made some friends along the way. Also, I dressed up nice, wasn’t arrogant, but perky and fun! Market yourself and listen to Evan’s dating tips. 

      1. 30.1.1

        We can’t control who we are attracted to? That makes no sense

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