How Do I Get Men Outside My Race To Commit To Me?

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I have a question that I don’t think you’ve been asked before! I’m a slim and attractive, successful black woman who only dates Caucasian men – but I can’t get one to commit! It’s so frustrating, I seem to be a curiosity. They all say, “I’ve never been out with a black women before” as if all my bits are going to be different to any other woman on this planet. If I’m lucky, they’ll date me briefly, but it’s purely about the sex! (I haven’t had many sexual partners. I’m 36 and have slept with under 10.) I’m extremely fussy who I “put out” for. I’m on two dating sites: eHarmony and Match Affinity – both USELESS. I don’t find most men on them attractive and, of the ones that I do, they don’t like me! Anyway, I’ve just read your newsletter. You must be a mind reader as yesterday I was thinking of closing both accounts!

So here’s my question: men clearly find me attractive, but how do I get a Caucasian man to commit? My sister gets men to commit but you wanna see the state of them – I have higher standards! I’ve spoken to my guy friends (all Caucasian) and their feedback is: it’s rare that they meet black women (let alone attractive ones) and while they’d date one, they would never settle down and have children! Is this because most people picture their future from an early age and mixing it up doesn’t quite sit right? I’m so sick of the “you’re really attractive, why are you single” comments because I don’t KNOW why I’m single. Even the men I have dated think I’m great – so why am I not great enough to settle down with??? In the UK, Caucasian women have no problems dating black men. It’s not uncommon to see this type of couple – however, flip the coin and you’re in a different realm. The only men I attract are the ones I don’t fancy or have a different agenda to me! So I realise that in this ever decreasing dating pool, my numbers are even smaller than most women as I don’t and won’t date within my race. I just don’t find black men attractive! So what to do – am I living in a dream world and need to maybe just get into my head that I’m meant to be single? Thanks, from a rather frustrated and almost desperate Jae!

Dear Jae,

Yes. You’re living in a dream world.

To understand why, I need to pick apart your letter, line by line, and hold a mirror up to you, so you can see what I see.

You can’t MAKE anyone do anything.

First of all, your question, “How do I get a Caucasian man to commit?” sounds as silly to me as, “How do I get a black woman to commit?”

You’re a black woman, Jae. How would you answer that question if I told you that my black girlfriends always dump me?

If you were smart, you’d tell me one of these three things:

1. You can’t MAKE anyone do anything, Evan. Therefore, any question like “How do I make Jae love me? How do I make her want to change her behavior?” is pointless.

2. If black women are attracted to Jewish men but don’t want to marry us, there’s not much I can do about it, is there? No more than some guitarist can complain that women are attracted to him but don’t want to marry a 40-year-old guy who plays for tips in the subway. It may not be fair, but it’s reality. So if a black woman doesn’t see herself having mixed race Jewish kids, you’re probably not going to be a good fit for her life, Evan –   even if you’re both nice, attractive people. That’s life.

3. There’s no difference between black women and other women, Evan. They’re just “women”. So the question remains: why would any woman dump you?

That leads us to the next part of today’s tough love post: “Why would any man dump you, Jae?” (Note to other readers: this a good thing for you to contemplate, too, since humility and self-awareness are the keys to any long-term relationship.)

From your email, I’ve learned a few things:

Stop looking down on nice guys who want to commit to you.

You have a big ego.

You don’t find most men attractive.

You won’t date within your own race.

You look down on the commitment-oriented white men who fall for your sister since they’re beneath your standards.

Do I even need to say anything else as to why you’re still single?

No, I do not.

If you want to find love, just undo everything I restated above.

Get over yourself. You may be attractive and successful, but quality men care more about your kindness and character and humor than how much you make.

Learn to give men a chance, even if they’re not your type. After all, don’t you want a bunch of Caucasian men to give YOU a chance even if you’re not THEIR type?

Open up to black men, since that’s the most obvious pool of candidates who’d be interested in you.

Stop looking down on nice guys who want to commit to you. They’re better long-term relationship bets than the white men who are using you for exotic sex, don’t you think?

I appreciate your frustration and thank you for your letter, but you’re completely focused on things you can’t change (white men!) instead of the only thing you CAN change (your perceptions, actions and reactions.)

Join our conversation (151 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 81
    Arial

    Dear Jae,
    I don’t believe your living in a dream world. Your preference is yours alone, no matter what anyone thinks because at the end of the day, you are the one that will be with your lover, not the world. There will always be people who will want to challenge you for dating outside of your race and that’s just how it is for black women that are open with there dating preferences for men of different races.

    I do believe however that you should change the way you approach interracial dating. I want to share with you a few things that I’ve learned throughout the years( I’m also a black women who dates men of different races). I use to and sometimes still do have the problem of getting more attention from the guys that I don’t like than the ones that I do but what I’ve learned is that those guys that I’ve liked, they most likely weren’t a good match for me in the first place. What you have to first realize before you can be successful at interracial dating is that you have to see that White men are just Men. I think sometimes we can get to caught up in so many things that we forget about the person. This can stop us from finding the love that we want and deserve.

    To make a man commit you have to see him first as just a man. you can like whomever you choose but you have to just let things flow and allow the man to be the lead. when you allow him to do this, he will therefore have earned you which then will make him value you. If there is to much pressure on a guy to commit he will do the opposite and leave because they want to feel like they’ve earned you. So enjoy who he is as a man first as well as who he is and then show him the the wonderful person that you are(This man should be a good man, not just any man). This won’t work for all men that you like but there will be the men that will come along and appreciate as well as value the women that you are.

    Dating sites can be a little tougher for black women, that is true but that doesn’t mean you can’t find love. I have met white men, Spanish men, and Arab men online that have never dated a black women but wanted to be with me. Don’t get me wrong I have had my fair share of weirdos, more so than the guys I have actually liked so I understand how hard it can be for you and how you can feel like giving up at times. Try sites that are more suited towards your preference such as interracial dating site or match.com. You could possibly have more success by joining these sites .

    When you write your online profile, take some time and really think about what you want and who your wanting to attract. Making your profile interesting is one of the the keys to online dating. One way to look at it is, that you are your own brand and by creating value for that brand your going to want to set yourself apart from the competition(Other female members).Show them who you are by creating an interesting story about yourself or describe what the perfect day would be like for you or with you. You want the men that are going to want and celebrate you not the men that only tolerate you.

    Try getting involved with new activities, take a class, do something different that you’ve never tried before. Widen the circle of people that you know and expose yourself to new things. By doing this you will increase your chances of attracting more of the types of men that you like and I’m sure there will be a man that will want to commit to you. Love. like anything else in life, takes nurturing and working on. If something doesn’t seem to be working out for us, we have to realize that it’s time to change our strategy and never give up no matter how hard the road ahead seems to be.

    My last note is try and find communities where there are people that have the same preferences and likes as you. You can can use this as a tool to help you when you feel little down about interracial dating. Beyondblack&white.com is a blog that I think you could possibly enjoy! It’s a community for black women who like and want to date interracial. It offers interesting articles, success stories of BWWM relationships and so so much more…

    I truly hope you find the love your looking for

    God Bless.

  2. 82
    Oneca Stanislaus

    Bravo! I could not have  answered her letter  any better that. But, lets not  rule out   that she sounds kind of crazy too. If black men are not attractive in her eyes then she may not like herself and if desperate to erase her bloodline. It sound far out there but I know some  narrow minded women who think like that and it sad because no one should be used. The way her letter sound is as if any white man will do. What about love no matter the race?      

  3. 83
    Karmic Equation

      

    I’m Asian and only date Caucasian men. I like “western” eyes and high cheekbones. All my bfs and my one now ex-husband were Caucasian.
    I avoid dating men who disclose they have “yellow fever” or who’ve “never dated an Asian woman before”. By coincidence those same men are men I don’t typically find attractive anyway, so it’s not a loss. Some of my bfs had never dated an Asian woman before me, but they never felt a need to comment on my race, which means they saw me as female first and my race as inconsequential.
    Jae should avoid dating men who disclose that they’ve never dated a black woman before, particularly if she’s looking for commitment. They’re only into her for her exoticism and as something to check off their sexual bucket list. As well, if we consider that men will date below their league to get sex, you can bet white men will date below their league for “exotic” sex. So it’s quite possible that Jae’s “real” league is not as high as she thinks it to be.
    That said, even though we live in a less discriminatory world than ever before, not all races are created equal when it comes to dating. What I mean is that while dating a Latina or an Asian woman is dating “outside” of a Caucasian man’s race, dating a black woman is dating “farther” outside their race than dating Latinas or Asians, if you think of race as a continuum when it comes to dating, with white on one end and black on the other and other races are in between the ends.
    I have a Caucasian gf who ONLY finds black men attractive and the men she finds attractive, I usually don’t, but not because they’re black, but because of our different ideas of what constitutes an attractive black man. However, she can appreciate good looking white men, she just doesn’t want to date them. But for her, there may be some self esteem issues lurking in the background as well as what she finds attractive. For example,    I’d date Shemar Moore (if he’d deign to date ME haha) — but I wouldn’t date Denzel or Danny Glover. I believe Shemar is mixed race, which would explain his more Caucasian features, whereas Denzel and Danny Glover have more purebred black features. But my friend would prefer Denzel and Danny over Shemar. See what I mean?
    So, I think most folks are being too hard on Jae. I, personally, believe that Caucasian men are by far THE most attractive, not because they’re white, but because I personally find the facial features that most Caucasian men have (deep set eyes, high cheekbones) much more attractive than, say, the bulgy eyes and flat faces of most Asian men. It’s a reality that certain facial features correspond highly to race, so while us non-white folks say we prefer caucasians over our own race, it may not be the race itself that we prefer, but it’s just easier to group those facial features into a race than say “high cheekbones and western eyes.”

      

  4. 84
    Suzanne

    I totally appreciate her question I am feeling the same thing in reverse. I only date black men. Now go find an educated, black alpha male that wants a white female for more then sex. It is not easy to say date white and black. The thought of being with a white man does not work for me either. I feel her pain.

  5. 85
    Renee

    Wow I came with the sane question and thank you for answering so poignantly and with so much maturity. Sometimes the truth can be hard to hear, and not to say that she or I could never get what we want, but I’m 34 going on 35 and very attractive outgoing, and kind I cannot wait for

  6. 86
    Honesty

    Oh please Evan,

    In another topic about an asian woman only wating to date white men (and no asian men) you responded a lot more mildly to her. The woman said she was afraid to have kids that looked Asian and you were like: oooh, totally get that, all fine, don’t do the politically correct. Now this black woman says she only likes white men and you respond in a much more hostile way, telling her to change her preferences as if she is not good or beautiful enough to date a white man up to her level. Pawease. I highly doubt you have dated women from all ethnicities. The hypocrisy is strong with you.

    1. 86.1
      JennLee

      I just read both again and I see nothing overtly wrong with Evan’s replies. They are two totally different situations. The Asian woman was attracted to white men but felt guilty about it. She had no problems finding white men she was attracted to who would marry her. to tell the truth, I have never met another Asian woman like her and can’t relate to her inner turmoil. Evan was letting her know that it is OK to just go with it if it is working for her. If the only thing holding her back was her guilty feelings about it, then he was saying there was no need to feel guilty.

      In the other scenario, we had a black woman who wanted one of the top tier white men, but those men weren’t willing to marry her. There are many huge differences. For one, there is a a lot of vitriol directed at whites by blacks in this country, which will make many white men think twice about marriage to a black woman. The bottom line as Evan was pointing out was that she was insisting on finding a man in a pool of men who are not interested in marrying her. Evan’s advice to her is consistent with what he tells everyone who insists on dating somebody from a pool of people who are not very interested. He tells them to learn to accept those people who ARE interested in marrying. In this case there are white men who would commit to her, but they are not to her high standards. So the truth is that nobody who is willing to commit to her, such as black, Hispanic, Asian, and white men who are not top tier. That is like a 300 pound woman insisting on model good looking man. Don’t get the comparison wrong. I am not saying this black woman is like a 300 pound woman. I am saying that the 300 pound woman is insisting on finding a man in a pool of men who are never going to marry her, which is the same thing as what this woman is doing.

  7. 87
    Adromeda

    LOL You Low self esteem. All human being are the same regardless of color. You hate your own race and color SMH! You   need help.

  8. 88
    friend of Jesus

    Far more White Women are seeking Black Men than Black Women seeking white men, so you are a very small minority. I find many blogs where the white man is asking why black women don’t like white men. If you look at all interracial marriages, the smallest of those numbers would be Black Woman and white man.

    The largest or most common would be white women and black men, followed by Chinese women and white men. The Chinese woman white man is some what a falsetto, because most are mail order brides, many with men 18 – 30 years older then the Chinese woman. I dont know if that qualifies or if there is some other (psychological) issue at play.

  9. 89
    frustrated

    Unless you all have been in her shoes, none of you have the right to call her self loathing or too picky. I am in the same boat (biracial, black and white) and am having the EXACT same problem. There is clearly a disparity in that white men will date her but not commit, while they are more likely to commit to someone of the same race as them. It’s frustrating being treated as a “fetish” or being a secret romance, when you’re genuinely interested in romance with that person.  

    The fact that she has a type (white men) doesn’t make her self loathing. I’m sure half of the people judging her would venture to say that they are exclusively attracted to a certain race or other physical trait. Some men only love blondes…some women won’t date asian men…what’s the difference?

    Grow up  

  10. 90
    Vashti

    Anyone, including Evan who has left nasty judgmental comments in regards to Jae has zero respect from me. Jae is a woman who knows what she wants and seems as though she has put much thought into her reasoning for having a preference for Caucasian men. One obviously being, she is not attracted to black men. Stop being bitter and hating on this attractive black female just because her preferences vary from the norm. I’ve seen countless comments via different sites and forums where black men admit to not finding black women attractive. So what? If that’s their subject opinion then it is what it is. And if biased Evan were honest, he probably does not find black women attractive which would explain his advice to Jae. Readers should put their bias natures behind and reread what Evan wrote. Read between the lines of his advice and also comments left on this post and you’ll see the true ugly, biased nature of the writer. I have girlfriends who share the very same insight as Jae and successful attractive white men DO commit to them and try their best to tie them down into marriage. They have their pick and choose to take their time. They do not settle for any successful attractive white man just because he meets the profile, they look at the personality, morality and ethical standing of the man.

    1. 90.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Will only respond by informing you that you’re incorrect: I find black women quite attractive and have gone out with quite a few. So much for your theory.

  11. 91
    Zara

    This is quite bizarre, the desperation in Jaes letter is off putting, no wonder men wont commit. Race here is irrelevant..I mean if she gave the others a chance chances are they to wont commit. So yes i agree wholeheartedly with Evans feedback,   

    I am a Somali woman ethnicity wise. I consider myself a Black British woman. My husband is Irish but born and raised in London. we got married when he was 28 and i was 25. we have 2 children and are very compatible. Before him I never really gave racial differences a chance. to me my men are like my food. I like what I like it is what it is. Why have just the salad when u can choose from the whole buffet.

    One of the major attractions towards me my husband specifically stated was my love for my culture. So even though i Integrated into british society (i was born in cardiff UK) i still maintained respect and reverence for my origins.

    we met when i was 22 at a work party. We had chemistry and connected straight away. I never assumed he wanted just sex. (i was a virgin anyway)

    This never stopped him pursuing me, we took it very slow and I loved his company. I fell in love with his alpha male character, and he loved my “femininity and intelligence”  

    Yes he made many comments about my looks out of curiosity, but tbh i liked the focus? why not I am different and his human. he wanted to know why i eat bananas with my rice lol i liked explaining it.

    He did ask me about my ancestry because of my european asian like hair. and I told him every thing i knew. I learnt a lot from him to, mainly irish history and the difference between irish and english. (i didnt think there was much before i met him)

    My point is…..when two people from different races come together, they do merge some differences. how we respond to the interest is of huge significance.
    I love my husband very much. and he loves me. we still date each other even though married. and our union isnt boring. He has a right to express anything to me. likewise i do the same. we dont have a sensitivity chip. and both our families see us as individuals more so than the colour of our skin.

    when i first met my mother in law first thing she said to me was “you are gorgeous i love your complexion” i replied I like your dimples lol and she laughed.

    it really is that simple. I dont need to twist her compliment into negativity such as (why is my skin the first thing she sees)

    Jaes problem is self loathing I can see it from reading her letter to Evan.
    Love yourself before you expect others to love you.

    It doesnt matter that your physically attractive Jae. All men connect with emotional attractiveness in a woman. try to be more positive and go with the flow. Men sense when you are a try hard.

    I love my somali men, I was raised by a king and my brothers are princes. Ive dated from my own race. but my destiny just happened to be my husband.

    I notice in every race there is the good the bad and the “ugly” so stop down grading black men whilst praising white men. this is what makes you appear like you have self loathing issues.

    If my husband pursued me with a chip on his soldier about white women, putting them down and seeing me as an exotic prize in the process. I would have been put off.

    Character is what i scan for before i put my guard down.

    I wish you the best in life.
    and remember three things are destined in life…as i believe……time/place of your death, who you marry (how ever many times) and what off spring you have.  
    This is my belief which i used to navigate through life. it helps because in using this belief i was able to focus on what makes me happy my career and hobbies and leave everything else to happen through fate.

    whats yours wont miss you.
    be positive, be happy, be humble and remember everyone is not the same. so dont chase one race whilst putting down another under the guise of preference.

    there is a thin line between preference and prejudice.  
    If you sincerely just are more attracted to white men. still even so…quit putting them on a pedestal because of race. and qualify a man based on character. when you stop focusing on his skin colour he may look beyond yours.

    Have more confidence, by being more positive

    King regards Zara
    and my apologies in advance for the essay.  

      

    1. 91.1
      TransientDude

      That was a great response. She’s not being honest with herself and using white men as a deflection to avoid getting over the pain she’s experienced from black men of her own group. I had a friend like her who only dated Indian and Arab guys. She sounds just like her.

    2. 91.2
      older hopefully wiser

      But sound advice and well worth the read.   Heart warming to read that you and your husband still date!

  12. 92
    Tricia

    The issue is clearly with her.   The UK is very open to interracial couples much more so than the US in a lot of respects and I’ve never had a problem dating seriously any race of men.   She has entitlement issues and hang ups regarding sex.  

  13. 93
    Bobby

    A lot’s of times when women state that they don’t date someone of their own race, then the person that they do date sees them as someone they can get with because of race, Secondly the person will always wonder how many men of his race has the woman been with and not take her seriously, once again the woman doesn’t have to state her preference to her date he can see that she is of another race, and the first thing he thinks is that he is not the first. So sometimes your preference can work against you that way.

  14. 94
    TransientDude

    This is human nature. You get hurt by your own group and you think the grass is greener on the other side based off romanticized images and stories told by friends, family, media, etc. Us American guys go through this a lot when we hear of tales of someone we know who has conquered one or more lands inhabited by Asian women and now has settled down with an Asian goddess which is the pure essence of femininity. From that point on we bow down to the image of the Asian goddess and vow to obtain one of these beauties at all costs. Once we do we realize she’s no different from the American women we’ve despised after breaking our hearts a million and one times. Then we swear off marriage to any woman because our Asian goddesses have either broken our hearts or have not lived up to our impossible expectations. Then the cycle continues to the next group of women we put on a pedestal. For the problem can never be us but it’s always them for a myriad of reasons. We’re just perfect.

    This woman is severely hurting and looking for love in all the wrong places. I hope she realizes that her heart is what’s causing men not to want to be with her. She’s putting herself in position in which she’s never going to be satisfied with whomever she attracts whether white, asian, arab, indian, etc.

    1. 94.1
      older hopefully wiser

      Well put

  15. 95
    Aesha

    I love you, Evan, but I think you missed an important on this one. There ARE differences between Black women and white women and they come into play in the dating world. The OKC study revealed that Black women were the least contacted of all women of any race. There are deep sociohistorical and sociocultural reasons for why this happened. But Jae is choosing the wrong white men, as there are white men who love the sistas! I don’t expect you to know this stuff offhand, but it helps to understand that race does matter in relationships. If Jae were my client, I’d tell her to position herself to be found by the right white men on sites that geared toward interracial dating. I’d teach her how to ask questions to screen out the guys who have a Black woman fetish. she may even have to open up to international men (I have friends who married German men and are happy). So, no, she can’t control if a man–white, black, or otherwise will commit to her–but she sure can have what she wants!

    1. 95.1
      Sass

      I agree with Aesha and many others who said no one has a right to judge her preferences or why. But if she wants to have success meeting white men she has to find places where white men who aren’t interested in black women have been screened out, such as a interracial dating websites. There are also interracial dating groups on Meetup.com where I live. Yes you will have to screen out those interested in the fetish but you have to do that anyway regardless of where you chose to meet people (and what race you’re interested in, to be honest, cause last I checked there are a sizable number of men of ALL races who are only ever going to be interested in casual sex). Evan’s suggesting she be open and just play the numbers but that to me disregards that she has a right to her preferences — something I don’t think Evan or any of the other naysayers here would put on a person of any other race.

  16. 96
    Jojo

    lol, please don’t tell her to date black men… we don’t need the head ache…

  17. 97
    ann

    HA!   You just need to find a man who will commit, forget about what race.   Just make sure you are attracted to him.   Any race will do.   You have to find a situation where you can help the man.   Focus on a problem or situation- not anything physical.   People who meet during a difficult event or at work in a platonic situation have a much better chance.   Act like you are not thinking about him in any physical way.   If he likes you, he will “chase” you.   Play coy… or better yet…hopefully you will only think of him as “just a casual friend.”   Later you will like him.   Men must hunt (all men).   If white men wont commit to you and you want a white man, I feel terrible.   You should easily find any man you want in this day and age.   I personally do NOT want a white man so you are in no competition with me!   (I am white here).   If it is that hard, go to a marriage minded interracial site, which just about cancels out what I said.   Just date someone who is open minded.   DO NOT date an arrogant white man who is not open.   Date open minded people only!

  18. 98
    KikoLee

    I came across this post and I got so engrossed reading it and reading comments to it that I decided to leave my 2 cents. Like Jae , I’m a 36 year old black woman, whereas she’s American,   I’m African.   I’m also ivy league educated and I share her attraction to white man. I agree with many that there is nothing wrong with being attracted to one particular race over the other, to my is just a matter of physical qualities that are attractive to you, so this is a subjective preference which neither of should really judge on. I do think however that some element of her attitude towards men dating and commitment is pushing her to choose the wrong men. Being a black woman who has had relationships with white men, they tended to end because of a series of issues in the relationship,   same way as my relationship with black men. Whereas I can believe that there are men that can date but won’t marry, I think those are pretty few. I think the issue is probably that she is soo focused on commitment and ticking all the boxes   that she doesn’t see that these guys are a wrong choice to begin with. It has been my experience that if a white man is serious about the relationship (with a black women), he expects acceptance from family and friends and therefore a black woman could never be in the -I just date you category. It is also important I feel to point out that, when younger I placed huge importance on education levels, and whereas today I still expect the men am serious about to be educated, above and beyond that I expect him to be intelligent (which is not the same thing). Today I would marry someone with an undergraduate or some college education in a heartbeat. So long as he’s solid, ambitious, knows where he wants to get in live and works hard to get.. that trumps any masters oor phd certificate. Lastly, all the white men I’ve dated are from all over, different backgrounds, some had dated outside the race, others not. Ultimately it is about forming bonds and relationships with men, not about getting bogged down with race.

  19. 99
    Carl

    They stink….

  20. 100
    Liz

    This response was so disappointing. Evan typically gives good kind advice, and this time he really let me down. I can’t help but think any other race of woman  in your predicament would have gotten  understanding and encouragement and genuine patient advice, but  you just got  told to fuck off and give up. It seems black woman is always disparaged, discouraged and relegated  a corner somewhere out of sight, no matter what she says thinks or wants.

    It’s also annoying how it’s always considered normal and acceptable when it’s a white man saying the  entire race of women are “just not their type.” It’s overlooked and met with amusement. Even Evan just shrugs and says “well you cant’ change us! *elbow and wink* When the fact is that’s not even your real issue. Your issue is only seeing what you’re afraid of, not what’s really there. There are plenty of white men who will commit to any kind of woman that he wants. I see white men with black wives. I see it. It happens. I just saw it yesterday.

    Yes, it happens much less than the opposite type of couple but the point is, it’s not like hitting the lottery. It does happens. In fact, it is happening somewhere RIGHT NOW. There is no reason it can’t happen for you. You just need to find the right man.

    Evan implied you’re wrong for not being attracted to  your own race of men but I don’t really agree. My theory is that a white man who won’t date or commit to a black  woman but will do so  inter-racially with  any other  race except black is just racist and shallow. Many white people date exclusively black. Many white men date exclusively Asian. I don’t see a problem. A person who in general is attracted to one race, even if it’s not their own, just has a preference. I   dont see why you being a black female means you are not allowed to have a preference like anyone else.

    Your problem is likely that you are probably dating in that first group of men. The shallow racist thrill seeker. And you don’t want them anyway. They think they’re a prize to you but they are merely rejects. Continue to date your white men if that’s what turns you on. (Men keep telling us to have no standards and take more ugly men, but considering that so much of sexual pleasure for a woman is mental I dont think you want to look up [or down as the case may be] while in bed and see something  you find repulsive. Way to have to spend the rest of your life relying on toys) Just be very careful about which  white men you date.

    Watch these men and see why they like you, how they treat you, what they say to you. If you meet a man and his focus is on your skin tone and not WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON, drop him. Fast.

    I’m a black woman and I like asian men. People constantly tell me “give up, they wont like you, you must hate your own race.” Nope, I don’t hate myself or my race. I’ve just liked asian guy  since i was a kid. I don’t know why I like them. And i shouldn’t  need to. I’m tired of getting this extra judgment and punishment over the kind of men i like. It’s just another way people exercise racism towards us. That’s all it is. And guess what? ASIAN MEN DO LIKE ME. They do. All the time. Because I’m nice. And I’m funny. And I smile a lot. I’m cheerful. I’m helpful. I’m accepting of others. I’m pollite and respectful. I’m bright. I’m always paying attention. Who doesn’t like girls like me?  All men do, regardless of what they say. They see a nice girl who likes them and makes them feel good in their company and knows how to have fun, and they simply find it hard to just say “NOPE!!! MY ANACONDA DON’T WANT NONE!”

    A lot of men might not even KNOW that they’d like a black woman until they meet me. You might be an eye-opener too! So go out there and give those handsome vanilla hotties the joy of meeting a black woman that they CAN  like. They need that in their lives. Desperately. White men need to get off this shallow kick  they have about who they’d neeeeeeeeeveeeeeer eeeeever want based solely on looks and skin tone, because the truth is most of us dont have a freaking CLUE   what we need or want. Not until we find it. And neither do they.

    Go out there, be yourself, and let the man who’s meant for you find you. When you find him you will know. And so will he.

    (And save me a slice of your beautiful interracial wedding cake.)

    1. 100.1
      older hopefully wiser

      Thank you for this post it was validating.

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