How Do I Get Men Outside My Race To Commit To Me?

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I have a question that I don’t think you’ve been asked before! I’m a slim and attractive, successful black woman who only dates Caucasian men – but I can’t get one to commit! It’s so frustrating, I seem to be a curiosity. They all say, “I’ve never been out with a black women before” as if all my bits are going to be different to any other woman on this planet. If I’m lucky, they’ll date me briefly, but it’s purely about the sex! (I haven’t had many sexual partners. I’m 36 and have slept with under 10.) I’m extremely fussy who I “put out” for. I’m on two dating sites: eHarmony and Match Affinity – both USELESS. I don’t find most men on them attractive and, of the ones that I do, they don’t like me! Anyway, I’ve just read your newsletter. You must be a mind reader as yesterday I was thinking of closing both accounts!

So here’s my question: men clearly find me attractive, but how do I get a Caucasian man to commit? My sister gets men to commit but you wanna see the state of them – I have higher standards! I’ve spoken to my guy friends (all Caucasian) and their feedback is: it’s rare that they meet black women (let alone attractive ones) and while they’d date one, they would never settle down and have children! Is this because most people picture their future from an early age and mixing it up doesn’t quite sit right? I’m so sick of the “you’re really attractive, why are you single” comments because I don’t KNOW why I’m single. Even the men I have dated think I’m great – so why am I not great enough to settle down with??? In the UK, Caucasian women have no problems dating black men. It’s not uncommon to see this type of couple – however, flip the coin and you’re in a different realm. The only men I attract are the ones I don’t fancy or have a different agenda to me! So I realise that in this ever decreasing dating pool, my numbers are even smaller than most women as I don’t and won’t date within my race. I just don’t find black men attractive! So what to do – am I living in a dream world and need to maybe just get into my head that I’m meant to be single? Thanks, from a rather frustrated and almost desperate Jae!

Dear Jae,

Yes. You’re living in a dream world.

To understand why, I need to pick apart your letter, line by line, and hold a mirror up to you, so you can see what I see.

You can’t MAKE anyone do anything.

First of all, your question, “How do I get a Caucasian man to commit?” sounds as silly to me as, “How do I get a black woman to commit?”

You’re a black woman, Jae. How would you answer that question if I told you that my black girlfriends always dump me?

If you were smart, you’d tell me one of these three things:

1. You can’t MAKE anyone do anything, Evan. Therefore, any question like “How do I make Jae love me? How do I make her want to change her behavior?” is pointless.

2. If black women are attracted to Jewish men but don’t want to marry us, there’s not much I can do about it, is there? No more than some guitarist can complain that women are attracted to him but don’t want to marry a 40-year-old guy who plays for tips in the subway. It may not be fair, but it’s reality. So if a black woman doesn’t see herself having mixed race Jewish kids, you’re probably not going to be a good fit for her life, Evan –   even if you’re both nice, attractive people. That’s life.

3. There’s no difference between black women and other women, Evan. They’re just “women”. So the question remains: why would any woman dump you?

That leads us to the next part of today’s tough love post: “Why would any man dump you, Jae?” (Note to other readers: this a good thing for you to contemplate, too, since humility and self-awareness are the keys to any long-term relationship.)

From your email, I’ve learned a few things:

Stop looking down on nice guys who want to commit to you.

You have a big ego.

You don’t find most men attractive.

You won’t date within your own race.

You look down on the commitment-oriented white men who fall for your sister since they’re beneath your standards.

Do I even need to say anything else as to why you’re still single?

No, I do not.

If you want to find love, just undo everything I restated above.

Get over yourself. You may be attractive and successful, but quality men care more about your kindness and character and humor than how much you make.

Learn to give men a chance, even if they’re not your type. After all, don’t you want a bunch of Caucasian men to give YOU a chance even if you’re not THEIR type?

Open up to black men, since that’s the most obvious pool of candidates who’d be interested in you.

Stop looking down on nice guys who want to commit to you. They’re better long-term relationship bets than the white men who are using you for exotic sex, don’t you think?

I appreciate your frustration and thank you for your letter, but you’re completely focused on things you can’t change (white men!) instead of the only thing you CAN change (your perceptions, actions and reactions.)

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Comments:

  1. 101
    Jessa

    Same thing could be said about men that don’t date plus-size women. They sh pi P’s just “give them a chance even though they are their type”. But you’ll get an by the thousands saying “we just aren’t attracted to big women”. Jae just isn’t attracted to black men. Kind of how some black men aren’t attracted to black women. I don’t see the issue. It’s okay for an to want a specific race and body shape but when a women is just a picky she’s a egotistical bitch somehow lol

    1. 101.1
      Jessa

      Man* not an…lol all these damn typos but Yea. Its always a crime when black women have preferences smh

  2. 102
    Jessa

    They should just *

  3. 103
    Addison Kayne

    Regardless of race there must be a pattern in her behavior that these men see that make her unattractive and someone who isn’t commitment worthy.   Her letter screams “I’m a woman with issues” and men see that they will run far away regardless of race.

  4. 104
    The Truth

     

    As a black african women, who is Nigerian I am in between this argument. There are some points from both sides I agree with. I have dated Nigerian men and white European men and some were good and some were a mess regardless of their race now I’m engaged to a German guy but I didn’t seek him Becayse he is white but because we just just matched in so many ways. However I do have my preferences cause I am not attracted to african American men, not cause of their race but because of the mentality in how many NOT ALL act towards their women and other women. Now I’m not saying all are bad but a significant amount are a mess and as a result the african American community is being affected cause of this behavior. The family structure has been dismantled in the community and baby daddy and momma culture is glorified. This is not only from what have seen but I have heard this from african American women and at times men about this issue. so when black women like jae send letters like this she is coming from a deep area of hurt which is understandable.

    Now after reading what jae said, I feel there are some points on both sides. I feel jae has a right not to be attracted to black men or her own race but have attraction to white men. Maybe the qualities that lack in men in her community are high to her in white American men, you can’t blame her for thinking this way since baby mama/baby daddy culture is not high with white Americans. However she needs to understand the consequences of that as a black American woman in America that she is going to have a tough time finding somebody for her for many reasons: 1. Black women have less options then black men when dating/marrying outside their race in America 2. She is not mentioning the quality of white men she is looking for and the ones she is looking to are not looking at her direction for marriage or at all. Maybe she needs to expand her options to white men overseas to be honest cause the bitter truth is most educated and successful white American men don’t consider black American women wife material regardless of whether your hot, humble, nice, educated and etc. they group the Michele Obama, Kerry Washington types with the Nikki Minaj and beyonces without hesitation. I was in a forum years ago and a question was asked to white American men about dating and marrying outside their race particularly black American women and a significant amount of the answers were just cold, insensitive and racist and that was a eye opener for me. Black American women need to know that men regardless of race in America don’t look at most black American women positively and so the odds are against then compared to a white American women where she will have more options. It is sad but true and black American women need to accept this, love themselves regardless and find lope holes against American men of that thinking.

     

    when it comes to what evan said he had some points that jae was in fantasy land and wasn’t in reality, which I agree to a extent. Also when reading her letter I sense some frustration from her which evan must have picked up as well. From what I picked up she seems fed up with it all. I don’t agree however that she should be forced to consider men in her community when many black American men are doing it to their women and are not criticized for it. That is wrong advise although I do feel her mentioning about her looks as if she is all that wasn’t helping her case and made her look vain. I’m not saying looks she be disregarded but it shouldn’t be the end all. I think evan picked that up from her, which all of us did but this is a issue beyond what evan was saying. It’s a african American issue that needs to be solved by african Americans especially the women.

    my advise for JAE  is she first need to reevaluate what she wants In life and what qualities she wants in her partner in her life. Now if she wants a quality white man she needs to go after the ones that have interest for her genuinely and not just for fetishes which I feel some commenters expressed here is who she was bumping into and put less emphasis on looks cause it seems she is going after some white men that just see her as a bed warmer and not going after ones that actually showed genuine interest. You will need to expand your options to white men overseas and interracial dating sites designed for black women and white men or dating sites that are in favor of that, like afrointrofuctuons.com for example. That site has many testimonials of successful black women/ white men couples but 99% of those couples are foreign mostly of african or Caribbean women with European men. Also next time ask advise from a black women(ex. Christelyn karazin – beyond black or white)  who is having success in dating white men or married to white men but understands your dilemma cause not only will they be real and give you solutions to that goal   but they will not be insensitive to you at the same time when responding. Many black women with similar issues as yours have asked similar questions from her on her website, YouTube, Facebook and her responses were real with solutions without the shut downs and Insensitivities. Evan is a white American man and even though he in the end of that day he was real to you in some things but other things just seem like he was shutting you down completely and I just feels it’s because he can never really understand your experiences as a black American women in America dating interracially   even though I don’t feel you were coming from the best place when you sent that letter to evan but I do sense the pain and frustration in your letter as a black women.

  5. 105
    The Truth

    I just realized jae is from the uk and I heard they have similar issues with American women. Even though 35% of black Caribbean women end up with white men which higher then 12% of african American women who end up with white American men. When I say European I am talking about French, Italian and German men for the most part

  6. 106
    littlecece

    I can understand where you’re coming from Jae. It seems plenty of haters have commented. Here is the gut baseline: trust your instincts. If for some reason you really like a certain look you need to bite the bullet and ask yourself why- if you’re only attracting players and you already have a feeling they only want sex that just means that’s all they want; there are plenty of attractive women of color who have married men that are not of color. Maybe a person being “white” isn’t what you’re really looking for. I assume when you think of “white” it is because that is the culture you best identify with as far as your perspectives and life goals; however, just because that is true does not mean that another person can see that. Show them how cool you really are and be confident. Truth is, being with someone is a privileged and if your sister has a different lifestyle than you do try hanging out in places where successful men of your caliber are and don’t bring up race. Just show them how much you have in common and how cool you are and if it is meant to be more it will be. No one can be forced to see your point of view; you need to be friendly and open and risk having a no once again. I have met white men who only date black women because that is their preference (in the US), maybe its   a matter of it not being a white guy but being the RIGHT guy.   Sometimes people have preconceived ideas about things based on false information. Keep being yourself and show what a great person you are- whether they see it or not is your basis for a commitment. And, if possible, trust your instincts. You have been played enough times to see the kind of behavior that leads to this refusal to commit. Maybe there is something on your part you can change about that.

  7. 107
    Sabrina

    Jae certainly has issues but her romantic or sexual preference isn’t one of them! As a black woman who has dated mostly white men, and has a marked attraction to white Slavic men at that, I’m offended by all the judgemental narrow minded attitudes I’m reading here. Would you tell gays they were wrong to not date the opposite sex? Seems like everyone except black women are allowed to date whomever they want without being shamed for it!

  8. 108
    Kelsey

    I think that your response here is rather short-sighted and assumptive. I can’t get over how you likened her to a 40-year-old subway guitarist who plays for tips.
    You seem to vilify her “high standards” and her being “fussy” about who she puts out for. It is her prerogative to have preferences. We all do. It’s perfectly fine to not find certain men attractive. Next, your response repeatedly touches on how Jae “looks down” on various groups of men, and I just don’t get that at all from her letter. She includes that she’s “slim, attractive, and successful” to show that she has a lot to offer, but you read that as being full of herself.
    Lastly — and I say this as a mixed race black woman who prefers to date outside my race — it is foolish to say that all women/men are the same regardless   of color and that it therefore shouldn’t be an issue. We know it *shouldn’t* be an issue. But unfortunately, it is. That is the society we live in. Unfortunately, as Jae pointed out, yes, there is a stigma attached to interracial dating. That stigma gets even more complicated when you look at the relationships between different races. Asian women being stereotyped as delicate and submissive, black women being seen as masculine and dominant, etc. It’s real. It’s out there. There are studies out there about it. And unfortunately, I have the exact problem that Jae has. I am repeatedly fetishized as an “exotic” experiment, but no one will commit. And unfortunately, I’m just not attracted to black guys. So even though dating black guys would increase my chances, I cannot force myself to be attracted to anyone, as convenient as it may be.
    In the end, you don’t offer a solution — you don’t explain why this may be; you just tell her to get over it, get back in her lane, date black guys like she’s apparently supposed to. Sadly, I think that this element of your response exemplifies the exact issue here.
     
    Unfortunately for Jae, I have no advice, either. Good luck, girl.

    1. 108.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      A perfect response. Critical of my inability to change reality and landing in the same exact place with nothing to offer.

      1. 108.1.1
        Kelsey

        I offered plenty — perhaps a suggested change in perspective, perhaps even your reality? It is not my purpose here to offer solutions — this is your blog. If my response did not solve all of Jae’s problems, that is not my shortcoming. However, if a critical response to your words elicits nothing but a terse comeback, that’s a shortcoming of yours.

  9. 109
    kimberlie Poyser

    If the writer is looking for interracial content geared towards black women. Go to beyond black and white.com. They have excellent information.

  10. 110
    Deborrah Cooper

    Women are attracted to what they are attracted to – just like men. If she is not attracted to black males for WHATEVER REASON, that’s fine and she should not be put down for it. No more than white men who are only attracted to blondes, or red heads, or Asian women. Get out with that condemnation of her desires. If a woman is not attracted to a guy, she won’t want to touch him, kiss him, or have sex with him. So it is mandatory that a woman find her man physically, emotionally and mentally exciting.

    Secondly, instead of ragging on her, why did you not offer constructive guidance? All you did was bitch at her which was NOT helping. She doesn’t like black men – so that option which you presented as the solution is NOT a solution at all. That isn’t what turns her on. Work with what IS dude, not what you wish it would be. Telling women to accept what they find tedious and boring or which does not stimulate them is trying to (as is always told to black women) to “settle” for what you want us to have, not what we want.

    And for that I am throwing the bullshit flag.

  11. 111
    Latoya

    I am a kind heart, beautiful black woman who knows her self worth.   I am open to all races as long as you are respectful, mature, and value similar beliefs as I.

    I will be honest I am not open to making the 1st approach but I am open to communication.   Other races are not as open to date black woman in a way that black men are open to dating, marrying outside their race.

    You may see outside races date black woman but not commit.   Writing this makes me want to analyze the numbers to see what data interprets.

  12. 112
    Robert

    I wonder if you have ever been in love?…….. Like really totally in love you cant think about anything but that person butterfly’s in your stomach you can’t really think at all anymore……..  When you need something an object  doesn’t matter what it  is ill leave that up to you but it’s important looking  everywhere  and  you are already running late!  Compare that to knowing you need that same  thing the next day and you don’t know where you left it but you have 24hr’s time to find it this time. In witch  of these situations are you more likely to find what you  are looking for…………. Anyway ask Murphy. I could just have said you are really searching looking for love….. And   maybe it’s old fashioned but I just don’t think it works that way no matter what race. Then those men you dated those who said you are great but don’t want a serious relation?  Almost sure they wanted you between sheets.  I think you do know why Jae they   don’t want it they are afraid what their parents think their friends maybe even their employer. They didn’t  have that feeling the butterfly’s when  a men really falls in love he will die for her.   Society taught us from the moment we  are born that men don’t cry let alone show fear and certain emotions  because you are a  real man right not a sissy.    Guess what we have more feelings then most females think. I personally don’t feel understood in general. Part of that is my own fault I can’t really express myself irl. But  it has  mostly to do with how  we raise our children.  So my advice is  when you really feel something    for a guy not just something the special something  make him feel comfortable around you men do want a strong woman someone who will always be there for him.  We don’t just cheat  at least I don’t    seriously mostly the relationship was a wreck already. And she might cheat as well  but is just better in hiding it.   almost every successful man  has a strong woman or “wife” in his life.  Will take me a while to  stop thinking  about  what these ” higher standards ” are for you. Thing is I personally like no nonsense females telling you how it is straight away but believe me it scares most guys almost all….. I don’t believe that they want to rule over a woman I honestly think most men look at  females as being equal. Thing is that guys can’t really talk about this  when it doesn’t go to plan we can’t go to the police when the female is physically abusive. Family……. nope can’t talk to them and friends they will laugh at you at first so that’s no option either the first embarrassment. Lot’s of typing short make him feel wanted and trusted both ways of course. Wish you a happy life somehow…. I never reacted on something like this when I have it has to be long ago. Greets Robert. ( Sorry if there are grammar mistakes never been in an English speaking country.

  13. 113
    Sarah

    Evan is cold blooded(Dave Chappelle voice). He answered this question with absolute savagery. My favorite line was” let me hold the mirror up to you”. He never holds anything back. When I came across this question, I was excited because I’m in the same situation as Jae. I’m a black female who predominately dates white men(they are the only ones who ask me out). However, this summer I am focused on developing a serious relationship with someone. So initially I thought Evan would provide a cure all solution to my dilemma. I have no trouble getting dates, yet I don’t have a boyfriend. After reading his answer, I realize I’m the problem. That really sucks!!! I need to figure out what changes I need to make in my life. However, I’m not sure where to start. I always thought I was just maintaining standards not being snobby. I don’t know what to do smh.

    1. 113.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Cure all solutions are not found in a single blog post. It takes a little more effort than that. Give me your email address and I’ll take care of you.

  14. 114
    older hopefully wiser

    I’m not sure when this was published, but would like to weigh in. I understand Jae, at the same time having self reflected on multiple occasions I’ve had opportunities to ask myself why do I think or feel this way?  I’m a black woman who has witnessed other black women and myself struggle one way or another in their relationships with black men. I’ve also noticed that it’s not uncommon for some black women (including myself) to idealize, elevate and romanticize white men based on (imo) images seen on T.V. There are some handsome black men on T.V. (more so now than when I was a little girl in the 70s– think JJ Evans and Freddie “boom boom” Washington).   During the 70s and 80s black men were mostly portrayed as comical and having a certain prowess, but rarely seen as physically attractive, tender, intellectual and intelligent, considerate, playfully romantic, caring, kind, desiring sex but not preoccupied or obsessed, refined, classy, etc. There were maybe 2 black heart throbs I can think of…. Billy D. Williams (70s), Eddie Murphy, and Philip Michael Thomas (80s). Thank God for the 90s and beyond which experienced an increase in black actors who were not only handsome, but portrayed in a better light at times: Morris Chestnut, Denzel, Tyrese, Tae Diggs, Shemar Moor. Will Smith was on the cusp, 80s actor… handsome but his character portrayal leaned on comedy and prowess. Prior to the 90s, all of the traits women commonly desired were found in white men. I’m not complaining just explaining. I now realize I foolishly drew conclusions based upon fictitious characters (back in the day I had Italian fever based on characters played by Travolta, Pacino, Deniro because… I digress). But that’s what most people do which is why (again imo), black women are seen   as so undesirable. We’ve frequently been portrayed as physically unattractive, but even when we’re attractive we’re mostly portrayed with REALLY BAD attitudes or some other flaw (drug addicts, hypersexualized video vixens at one point, prostitute) Also imo, Evan judges Jae rather harshly. She, like most people do and should, has standards and preferences. Additionally, she’s not the first nor the last woman to ask how to get a man to commit, but she did set qualifiers by asking how to get a white man to commit as opposed to a man or a black man as though there were some voodoo spell that could be cast to manipulate a white man into marrying her other than relying on love, kindness, devotion and to exhibit family and maternal leanings.   Where I might agree with what Evan infers in his response, that Jae should look at, judge, and choose a man based on his character, personality, heart, mind, interests and similarity of life goals; di not look only at his exterior (handsomeness, skin color, hair texture,   eye color etc.)   Also make sure he’s not using you for fetish sex unless you’re into that and likewise you’re not objectifying him. But as someone previously mentioned people may prefer certain physical attributes and there’s no crime in that unless you make judgements about personality, character and so on based on physical attributes. Case in point blondes have more fun. Do they really? All of them? Don’t some red heads, brunettes, and raven haired people have fun? I could give more examples of how people translate physical traits into promises of good times or bad, but you get my point I hope.

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