How Do I Get The Nice Guy I Ditched To Give Me Another Chance?

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Hi Evan, Love your blog. Here’s my situation. I’m 37, single, and had a really bad breakup 2 years ago. I’m cautious but also a hopeless romantic. I finally meet this guy at a house party who intrigues me and reminds me of an old college boyfriend: cute, sweet, very shy. The first few dates, I really like him. He does everything right. He’s intelligent, curious, shows up, cooks me dinner… But around the 5th date, I start feeling ambivalent about him.

We’ve made out but no sex. (I want to be sure before I go there.) I start wondering if he’s too nice/boring/granola. I’ve travelled a lot, my friends all tend to be pretty ambitious, successful, outgoing types. I worried if he would fit in. I found him too timid. So 4 weeks in (7 dates,) I felt trapped. I couldn’t wait to get away from him! I pulled away when he tried to kiss me. It was pretty obvious that I wasn’t feeling it. When he suggested seeing a movie that weekend or cooking dinner for me later in the week, I was noncommittal. I suggested dinner the following weekend. I figured there was no harm in dating casually a bit longer. Plus, I’ve chosen fun, charismatic guys in the past and that’s gone nowhere! I wanted to see if I could make things work with someone who didn’t make me feel super tingly but might be a good long term partner.

 

But a few days later, he suddenly tells me things are moving too fast. He wants to dial it down and just be friends. When I asked why, he said “it just doesn’t feel right,” that I was giving out mixed signals and he had no say in anything. I was really, really shocked by this as the last time we met he was clearly keen to see me! So Evan, here’s the thing. He was right – I did give mixed signals. Ironically, (of course!) now that he has pulled away, I find him much more attractive and want him back. (I know this isn’t a healthy trait.)

After that, I admitted via text messages (not ideal I know) that I had some issues, didn’t behave well, and agreed it would be good to be friends. (But I really wanted to see him again to see how I felt.) After pestering him with texts, he agreed to spend Sunday morning with me to go for a walk on the beach. And we had a lovely, relaxing few hours. I wanted to kiss him, but I didn’t. I wanted him to kiss me, but he didn’t. I joked, “too bad we’re not dating, otherwise I’d kiss you.” He asked what he said that was so charming. I told him I was feeling more relaxed and left it at that. We had a long hug when we said goodbye. He kissed me on the cheek twice and said something about maybe cooking dinner for me again sometime… Now, I’m confused. Does he really just want to be friends? Is he still interested at all? So two days later, I texted asking if we could meet up for dinner sometime. 3 days have gone by and NO response. Evan, what do I do? I want another shot with this guy. Yes, I was stupid to have taken him for granted so early on. I still don’t know if he’s the guy for me, but he has qualities I really like. I realize I focused on things that were superficial. I don’t want to act all crazy and start stalking him. He must know I really like him, right?

 

Evan, you always say that a guy only wants to be with a girl who makes him feel good. I clearly didn’t make him feel good when I pulled away. How do I salvage the situation? I don’t even know if he pulled back because I pulled back or he met someone else or lost interest or he’s commitment-phobe. In which case, I’m better off not dragging things out… My question is, how can I get him to meet with me again in a low-pressure, relaxed environment so I can let him know genuinely how much I like him? Or should I just let it go? If he likes me, he will contact me himself, right? Help! Thank you! — Confused in the City

 

Oh, Confused!

If you weren’t such a big fan, I would tell you that this is a dilemma entirely of your own making and that you’ve made your bed and now you must lie in it.

Okay, that’s what I’m going to tell you anyway, because there’s not much I can really add to the belated wisdom you exhibited in your question:

You didn’t find him attractive or desirable until he became distant.

You blew him off and expected him to be waiting for you. He wasn’t.

You didn’t find him attractive or desirable until he became distant. Telling.

You were worried about what your friends thought and let that affect things. Sad.

You realized that chemistry is an illusion but you dissed him anyway. Predictable.

But then we get to the meat of your question, “What should I do to win him back?”

Let’s quickly flip it around, shall we?

Nice guy takes you out. Gets mixed signals. Gets blown off because you didn’t feel sufficiently excited, attracted, or nervous around him.

What could he do to convince you that you were wrong?

Should he text you again? Call you again? Send you flowers? Proclaim his love outside your window with a boombox?

Nope. There’s nothing the nice guy can do to convince you that you were wrong.

Wait. There IS one thing.

I nearly forgot because it’s childish, and nothing I’d ever recommend — except for the fact that it works like a charm:

He can pull away and stop trying to court you.

What a great strategy. It salvages his self-respect and makes you come crawling.

At least, that’s how it looks from the outside.

So, to all the people who are reading this who want to learn how to “get your boyfriend back,” the answer is clear:  stop trying to get him back.

So, to all the people who are reading this who want to learn how to “get your boyfriend back,” the answer is clear:  stop trying to get him back.

If he thinks you’re special, he’ll come around on his own.

And if he thinks you’re a little selfish, a little ambivalent and a little immature, you certainly provided enough evidence for him.

But I’m not worried about you, Confused. I’m pretty sure you’ll never make this mistake again.

The question — to me — is whether any of our readers will continue to blow off the good guys, simply because they’re too “available.”

Your anecdote makes a much better case than I could, thanks.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Anon

    It doesnt take one to Tango. Both the guy and girl must set clearity in the relationship and mutially understand each other.

  2. 62
    Angie

    I question if nice guys who get rejected are really dating nice women? Because you attract what you are like in essence. If you’re insecure about yourself–being rejected or about your attributes–youre going to attract an equally insecure person–someone who may not think they deserve you or knows what they want. Niceness doesn’t mean insecurity or being a doormat. It means treating everyone properly including yourself.

    I know plenty of nice guys who are married or dating equally nice women. And don’t think people who reject niceness is gender specific. Men are guilty of this as well! Plenty of men let go of good women because they wanted a flashier female or one with an edge. A girl who wasn’t so “nice.”

    1. 62.1
      Fromkin

      Don’t confuse nice=respectful with nice=nun. Guys like the one and not the other. But you make a point about insecurity.

      1. 62.1.1
        Dale

        Do you mean none or nun?

    2. 62.2
      El

      You are right.

  3. 63
    Aurora

    I recently found myself in the same situation, only I was too drunk to remember everything that I said to him to make him stop talking to me. I think what really hurt him was that I walked away and refused to talk to him because I was uncomfortable with the situation. He chased me for quite some time, but it wasn’t until we spent a whole evening together, ironically, hours later we had that argument. Now I’m hoping he will reach out. He won’t take my call or texts so, I think that sometimes you just have to let things play out. Good luck and I hope everything works out in your favor.

  4. 64
    Marc

    If he has any self respect at all he’ll forget about you. Why should he – or any guy – lift a finger for a woman who has rejected him? You made a mistake, you lose and live with the consequences. Guys have to do it all the time. I’ve been rejected by women and it hurt – for a second – and then I’ve moved on. That means I’m not taking them back. I hope he feels the same way.

  5. 65
    Toby

    This has happened to me (and increasingly as I’ve gotten older). Women must understand that just as they say guys don’t have a right to their attention, it cuts both ways. Men also have a right to step back and say, this is not right for me, I’m not getting a good deal her or I’m being treated badly and I’m not interested. From my experience when I pull away (usually after being mistreated by the girl), the girl cannot tolerate this and is in a frenzy to be with me, after she gave off mixed signals or dissed me just the week before on a date (because she had low interest). I took a girl on an expensive date, and she was bored and made snarky comments to me for instance. The worst is when this behaviour is from an older girl, who is of lower dating value anyway…sigh…she’s acting like she’s doing me a favour. I’m early 30s and can and do date girls in early 20s. I’ve dated an 18 year old in the last year (and she was quite good looking, and she said she likes older guys, me being her first) – the dating experience can and does get better for men, despite what the feminized media tends to say. I couldn’t have pulled the 18 year old when I was 24, but can now that I’m 33. I’ve also heard from guy friends in their early 40s that they can still bag the early 20s girls then – it’s total bs even on Evan’s blog that this is not true it happens for those men who are high status and have kept in shape. Even the average 40s guy can easily bag a good looking early 30s girl, unless he is ugly.
    The female readers here need to sober up fast and understand that there are benefits in dating to being a woman and benefits to being a man. Time is not on a woman’s side here. Meanwhile for men, having choice is not that much there, as women are hypergamous and NEVER date on their own level, they want better than themselves in looks and status. Both sexes need to be fair here, but it’s women particularly who have to sober up and be realistic if they want to have a family. I couldn’t care that much if I don’t settle down, now that I’ve reached my 30s and didn’t get there, but I certainly wouldn’t settle down with a 30s girl. Too much danger, little to no benefits sexually. Better to be single and have fun in the intermittent years then be saddled with an unappreciative shrew who will be unsatisfied and divorce you to have your resources (read organised theft). Particularly problematic for me as I have a very high powered career in finance and have larger resources than most even double my age).

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