How Do I Let Men Know I’m Not Out of Their League?

Hi Evan, I just turned 37. I am very attractive and smart and down-to-earth. I love helping people and have the biggest heart. I am a positive person and smile a lot and I can’t seem to find the right guy AT ALL. I have first dates then second dates, then the guy sees my classic Jaguar and my luxury apartment and he thinks that I am out of his league. I was told that a couple of times.

I met a handsome professor and he was a good person with a great heart but he continued to ask me over and over why I was going out with him when I could have any man that I want. I am not arrogant and sometimes try to play down my looks and the Jag. Men will say “Ooh, nice car” and I’ll say “Oh, it’s old.” Are men thinking that I am too expensive? Do they think I’m out of their league? I don’t have a league – I just want to meet a nice guy! Help… Niki


Let’s flip this over, shall we?

Good looking guy with a big heart and a fat wallet drives a Ferrari. (It’s his second car – the Jag is in the shop).

The only men you can intimidate are the WRONG men.

He goes out on a first date with you. You look at him and swoon, before asking the very serious question: “I don’t get it. Why are you single? You could have anyone.”

He says, earnestly, with a sad smile, “I just haven’t met the right girl.”

You reply, “I get that, but how can I possibly trust you? You’re 37. You’ve probably been with a hundred women. And from everything I’ve experienced, guys like you aren’t solid relationship bets. You’re a lifetime bachelor with looks and money. You’re an alpha male with testosterone and ego. My dating coach told me to run from guys like you and stick with nice guys who want commitment.”

He says, “I am a nice guy – who just happens to be successful. I am very much looking for a wife and family. You can’t judge a book by its cover.”

I don’t know about you, Niki, but I’m sold.

And any guy who chooses to engage you beyond your looks and car will be sold on you as well.

As I’ve said repeatedly, the only men you can intimidate are the WRONG men.

A guy who feels the need to run away because he can’t handle your beauty, success or kindheartedness is nothing but an unfortunate and pathetic little man.

Good riddance to men who are afraid of Ferraris or perfect bodies or PhDs.

They don’t even count in my world.

If you are as great as you say you are, you should have no shortage of quality suitors.

I guess the only question I could ask you is the same question I’d ask of any man who perpetually finds that women are “intimidated” by him: How come you’re letting people get intimidated by you? Why aren’t they seeing your friendly, open, warm, vulnerable side?

If you were a comedian, at a certain point, you can’t keep insisting that you’re funny but “nobody gets the joke”.

As a single person, at a certain point, you can’t keep insisting that “all men” are intimidated by you, no more than a woman who suggests that all men are liars, players, losers or perverts.

It’s easy for you to sit back and say, “I’m great, but no one can handle me.”

It’s harder – and more important – for you to look in the mirror and figure out why.

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  1. 91

    “The only men you can intimidate are the WRONG men.”

    Absolutely WRONG!
    An intimidating (most often bossy and bitchy) woman will only attract idiots, drunks and assholes who don’t care. 

    1. 92.1

      Burn! Ouch! haha.

  2. 93

    Men don’t disappear because she was nice, caring, warm, loving and giving.
    The disappear because she was wingy, winy nagging and bitchy with an over inflated sense of entitlement. Result: pump’n’dump.No women can intimidate a confident man. Smart men don’t put up with it. They smile, say something nice and delete the number or not even ask.

  3. 94

    It is very sad nowadays that there are so many High Maintenance Women out there, and they are certainly very Pathetic since they really think that they are all that just by the way they act. most of you women have a very limited IQ to begin with, which explains why so many of us men can’t meet a decent woman anymore today since many of these type of women are so damn spoiled. It is just too bad that we don’t have a real time machine to send many of them back in time to see what it was really like when many men and women had to struggle to survive.

  4. 95

    Seriously: Still haven’t gotten a date huh? Same advice- try a new story

  5. 96
    Karl R

    Seriously said: (#95)
    “most of you women have a very limited IQ to begin with, which explains why so many of us men can’t meet a decent woman anymore today since many of these type of women are so damn spoiled.”
    It’s no surprise that you can’t meet a decent woman. You’re extremely insulting to them. I would say every woman should set her sights higher than that.
    I met lots of decent women. And if there are many men like you, that would explain why there were so many decent, unattached women available for me to meet.

  6. 97

    My !Q was in the top 2% of the population when last tested.
    However, IQ is not fixed, also it is EQ that determines healthy relationships. So that is what people need to work on if they want happy healthy relationships.

    We attract and our attracted to people who match our EQ in conflict situations.Until we do the work to higher our EQ when in conflict we just attract different people but the the same conflicts and habitual ways of reacting arising over and over again.

  7. 98

    To Karl R 95, I just can’t help it since i do meet so many Low Life Women today. and is it right for a woman to Curse me when i will start a conversation with them? Absolutely Not. It is very sad that so many women are like this, and why would i blame myself when i know other men that had this happened to them too? serious question here, would i Curse at a woman that came over to me to start a conversation with me? of course Not.

    1. 98.1

      Seriously- maybe you and “Man” should meet up.  Sounds like you have common morals. 

  8. 99

    Seriously- have multiple women cursed you out or is it just one that you keep on talking about ad nauseum? If it’s one write her off as a bad apple. If it’s multiple women rethink your approach. But stop taking comfort in the fact that you aren’t the only man in the world this has happened to- it’s far from the norm and it won’t help you get what you want.

  9. 100

    Maybe its time to look at your approach, if women are cursing at you, like more than one you might be taking the wrong approach. I live in a large city, men harass me daily on the street, sometimes they follow me in their cars and won’t take no for an answer. Sometimes I need to tell them to Eff off, or leave me the eff alone. Their approach is bad and unwelcome. 

  10. 101

    Seriously 99 – For crying out loud, normal women do not curse men.  Karl has said this to you before.
    I have never heard a man tell me that he cursed a woman during a conversation (I meet literally thousands of people in my work – no details – and the men have always been courteous and I would not dream of being rude or curse them!l
    Please…….find out what is going wrong.  You are either giving the wrong impression of yourself (ie one you don’t want to give) or you are choosing the wrong women or both!
    I’m a jewellery freak – can’t help it – when I see jewellery I love, I truly have to have it.  Some of it is horribly expensive.  On dates, I do not wear my expensive jewellery.  Because the message it can convey is geez, how much did that cost? None of their business, but if I don’t wear it, they don’t have to ask that question, do they?

    As far as high maintenance is concerned, I will continue to do my hair regularly, pedicures and manicures and facials, buy new clothes and perfume as and when I think fit.  If a man cannot cope with a well groomed woman, then he isn’t the right man for me. 

  11. 102
    Karl R

    Seriously asked: (#99)
    “I just can’t help it since i do meet so many Low Life Women today. and is it right for a woman to Curse me when i will start a conversation with them?”
    Yes you can help it. You have one of the worst attitudes towards women I’ve ever encountered. You believe “most of you women have a very limited IQ to begin with.” (That’s your choice of words, not mine.) If that’s your opinion of women, I’d say every woman on the planet is justified when she curses at you.
    The other men who have been repeatedly cursed at, do they share your opinion of women? If so, I’d say they deserve to be cursed at too.
    I’ve known you for two paragraphs, and you’ve already convinced me that you’re a mal chauvinist and a misogynist whom every woman on the planet (especially the decent ones) should avoid. (I can’t guarantee that my impression is correct, but that’s the impression you’ve clearly given me.)
    To make matter worse, I’ve gotten that opinion just by hearing your side of the story. Your side of the story is going to be biased in your favor.
    Seriously asked: (#99)
    “why would i blame myself when i know other men that had this happened to them too?”
    I’ve only heard your side of the story. I haven’t spoken to any of the women you’ve approached. Despite this, you’ve convinced me that you’re a mal chauvinist and misogynist. Are you going to blame the women for that? It’s your own words that convinced me.
    You’re the only person to blame for giving me that impression.
    You are your own worst enemy in this. Change your attitude towards women. (All women.) Change your approach. Change your results.
    Or … you can continue to bad-mouth and blame women.

  12. 103

    Seriously, I feel curious are you approaching women who are openly smiling and giving you eye contact?
    Or approaching women who are giving you no signs of being interested in engaging with you?
    What do you saying to then when you start a conversation?

  13. 104

    To Rose, that is why many of us men have trouble meeting a good one nowadays, and i had really thought that my approach went very well. I would first introduce myself who i am, and then ask for their name. I am not an ugly man at all, and i am in very good shape for my age by the way. i have noticed that many women don’t want to be bothered at all when i will try to introduce myself to the one that i am attracted too. Going to the clubs is very hard nowadays, especially when i noticed that other men do get turned down by a woman that they have asked to dance with. So as you can see, it is not just me that gets rejected. What is very sad is that many of the women are much more attracted to the real ugly looking men which is much more of a trend these days, and i really don’t know why. And for the women out there that really think their beautiful are so very stuck up, and have such an attitude problem too. There are certainly many women that are not at all attractive, and i am just looking for a good woman with a good personality which is very important today. Peace.

  14. 105

    Seriously 105 – I have heard men say that after a certain age, women are just interested in their cats/dogs and grandchildren. 
    i have noticed that many women don’t want to be bothered at all when i will try to introduce myself to the one that i am attracted too
    Maybe these women are just rude? And you have saved yourself some time???

  15. 106

    It’s sure hard to keep approaching once it sinks in that you don’t have a prayer.

  16. 107

    I love the comments on this post. I am successful, well educated, have a nice car (not a Jag) and own two homes.  I dated a man who knew what I did for a living and knew of the area I live in from date one and I knew the same of him.  After 3 dates he knew “I was the one” yet texted me to ask if I wanted to be in a relationship. After 3 dates he still asked me to meet him for our date because he didn’t want to pick me up in his small car. (His words).  I saw the flags but kept going because I really felt we had common ground.  We both had very difficult childhoods, we both were the only children in the family to put ourselves thru college, we both had horrible divorces and were raising our children. Plus we had awesome chemistry and loved to laugh. 
    Long story short…he ended up breaking up via text after losing an investment because “he thought he had nothing to offer me”.  4 months go by and I run into him at a local ice cream shop, we were both on dates.  He begins texting me that day and I finally have my answers. Men, for the most part need to feel that they are bringing something to the table, that they are providing and can live up to your standards. Some men can not handle the women making more money, it emasculates them.  Thank God, not all men feel this way.  I refuse to hide who I am, how I got to where I am or change my core values and beliefs for anyone.  You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your Prince charming.  A women should be proud of her accomplishments, never hide them.  Be yourself and be happy.  The rest will follow.

  17. 108

    Well I think that for me I wanna meet women who are independent and successful. Why? Because I am tired of women that only wanna date for my wealth. Its fake, I am not about scoring someone rich as I have my own fortune, but the sugar momma’s represent the age group I am after (I’m 44 and simply don’t care about someone 20 years younger) is quality women that are not seeking my money and represent the cream of the crop women that I wanna date. Again I don’t care about cash I care about how cool the women is, can she handle my hyper sexuality and still like me. Anyway bottom line is as a person who is in his 40s, independently wealthy and wants to meet quality women I have something in common with me and are in the same caste so I know that whatever we do is real.

  18. 109

    those men feel in their gut that something is off, and they’re right. look how quickly she writes them off instead of putting a shred of effort into easing whatever worries they might have had, which were there for a good reason, except she didn’t care enough to find out why or even bother to put in the extra shred of effort to make it work.

    great job on man shaming evan. i respect you and appreciate you, but some of the stuff you say about men is pretty low.

    1. 109.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I speak my truth, rawr. If you want a blog in which men are always right and women are always wrong, you have your selection of MGOTW sites to frequent.

      1. 109.1.1

        Honestly I don’t like that “my truth” stuff. My best friend does and I understand why but for me the truth is the truth, it has no room for shades of gray.


        I’m willing to bet you see lots of negativity about relationships from both men and women. It probably makes you as sad as me if not more so, but it’s like what are you supposed to do, the damage is done and nobody wants to put in any work on their end, and you telling the woman that it was the man’s fault for being insecure was some horseshit, and probably exactly what her ego wanted to hear, in fact that’s what you see all over the Internet about intimidated men and successful attractive women.

        I will almost always defend a man’s side because for every one time someone defends his point of view or even elaborates on it to help others understand, there’s 50+ making him out to be like he’s a coward or some other bullshit.

        I hate mgtow because their message is one of hopeless nihilism. They’re saying gender relations are so fucked that your only choice in life is to forsake the thing that humans need most, love. They may not die without it, but their soul will surely lose its shine, its light.

        I know it’s hard because you’re human too evan, but as one of the few people trying to fix some of the damage, you have to have compassion for both sides, at all times, period. Especially at times like this when the woman is confused about the man’s behavior she need to know why (“understand men find love” -emc). For me personally I prescribe to stefan molyneux’s real time relationships method for communication with people. You say what’s on your mind and heart, otherwise you get situations where she misses out on a man who she is attracted to because she would rather take the he’s not for me because he had the nerve to say things that made me uncomfortable, was vulnerable enough to say something “unmanly” as many would probably say it. She should have asked him questions, why he feels that way, what she can do to help him feel at ease. they could have bonded so much over just that, as a man he was probably used to that man up crap, a more conpassionate approach could have opened the gates, it was a wasted opportunity.

        I ask questions all the time, some of my closest friends get a little irked by it because they’re sometimes complex and you really have to think for an answer, and sometimes it’s at a time when we’re supposed to just enjoy a drink in peace, lol, but I can tell it makes them happy to have someone who obviously wants to understand the contents of their soul.

        Curiosity is love, if you don’t care to find out things about the other person, you can not and will not love them, and that’s not for the other person to be ashamed of, that’s your lack of character stealing another opportunity from under your nose. I’m willing to bet if she answered his questions on what it was about him that she was attracted to and why, things may have played out differently, or at least she’d have learned something valuable instead of just having a typical scenario, maybe made a new friend.

        People respond to things differently. Some take the evan approach of “c’est la vie”, great. Others need to know and understand, they can’t just take everything on faith and randomness. I for one would need to know why she likes me, because I am one man out of many, an ant in a colony. What else is some people see things In you that you don’t always see in yourself, and being told that would make anyone’s day. “why I need to know” depends on the man, and i for one would be curious to learn why, man or woman, date or not.

        I’m also a little ashamed of myself for portraying cynicism, but those are the collective feelings of many, and no one has any right to simply brush it off or throw shamebombs at it, people act the way they do for a reason. People are angry because they are in pain, they are in pain because they feel unworthy of love, at least that’s what so many are telling them (your message to that man included).

        I’ve read some of your stuff evan and I have a feeling that if you read this post, you will read the whole thing, and you will maybe have a small light bulb. If I’ve helped you improve your service towards others then that’s all I can ask for.

  19. 110

    Interesting comments. All I can say is this……I own a Ferrari. I didn’t buy it to impress anyone but myself. If you can afford the finer things in life…..good…..enjoy it because you earned it. I enjoy all types of people and the car is a wonderful way to meet them. I get lots of attention from it, but It doesn’t make who you are. Kindness, warmth, consideration for others and respect will go a lot further than an over priced play toy. Don’t let things like the expensive car keep you from finding happiness. Life is too short not to enjoy the person driving it

  20. 111

    Evan has some sound advice here. I think it’s great these guys who are intimidated by you, are weening themselves out for you! They are making your job easy. They vanish for a reason and it’s mainly a blessing in disguise. who wants to deal with anyone like that? Sounds exhausting you have to change yourself and hide your accomplishments,  you have worked so hard for! If they are intimidated, that is their problem. How do you tell a guy he is not out of your league? You don’t. Who cares. Like Evan said, worry about the 25%. You will find someone who’s right for you, just don’t waste your precious time of those who are not for you. You only need one husband. He is out there.

  21. 112

    Give me the jaguar! And go date! Really no worries, I can be nice sometimes!

  22. 113

    Afraid of Ferrari’s??? I own one and they are they best thing in the world to own. Wonderful way to enjoy the driving expierence and I meet some of the nicest people because of it. But I will let you in on a little secret….I didn’t buy it to meet or impress women. I bought it because I love Ferrari’s. Do what maks you happy and you will find what you want in life. Any car will do.Even Mini Coopers or VW Bugs ar a blast if you find that person that likes what you like. Enjoy what you have and don’t worry about things that are secondary. See the person for who thy are…not what they have.

  23. 114

    You gotta love these women. “He only cares about looks, he wont date me for me!!”. Then you see a woman on here say  “I dated a nice-handsome professional man but he was horrible in bed”. Apparently the nice-handsome part became irrelevant once he didn’t pass as a proper boy toy. But then they come right back with “We can’t win!……I guess I’ll have to consider an “average” guy” FILLED WITH HYPOCRISY LOL!!! I think the term have your cake and eat it too applies on that one.

    Men are considered losers if they don’t have strong pecs and own a home. Get lost with your “only women are shamed! Men are treated like kings!” I thought we’re in the age of female empowerment? You can be “strong” with your career but apparently words and pictures just defeat you instantly? I know feelings and emotion drive women but I thought grown ups can ignore the “noise”?

    I feel bad for Nikki, she seems to be honest and genuine. I also understand where the guys are coming from. They view themselves as a potential”trophy husband” to this woman. A trophy wife is for strictly eye candy. A trophy husband is a man she can express her feelings to and go for walks with but he actually has a male genitalia. He isn’t one of her girlfriends. The wealthy are always looking to upgrade so he can be easily replaced by a better looking man that offers maybe one more thing than him, that’s what is going through his mind. I think you need to look for men who are in your income bracket. Middle class men don’t know how to react to feeling like a peasant at first. We feel fulfilled when we can offer something of physical value to the woman we love. Hard labor around the house, gifts, etc. She can purchase or pay a professional for anything and everything so he feels replaceable. Call men “weak” for that, I don’t care. It’s PC to back a woman’s feelings on anything but if a man feels like that, he’s a “child” or “lacks maturity”.

    You’ll have better luck with men in your tax bracket because it will just come as a shock to the men you’ve been dating. It’s hardwired in our brain to compete so if he sees a woman outclassing him in every way then he becomes confused and brings up “what can i offer you?” Going to applebees for a date will be seen as “pathetic” to him because of where she’s capable of going. She drives the Jag so he will feel embarrassed to pick her up in a 2000 Ford Ranger with a squeaky serpentine belt. She has the luxury apartment so he will feel like a fool taking her to his “plain” apartment that only has the bare essentials or nothing fancy. This is probably why he says “why me?” She might strike gold and find some middle class guy who doesn’t have the typical male psyche but don’t be shocked if this continues.

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