How Long Should I Wait for Him to Commit to Me?

How Long Should I Wait for Him to Commit to Me?

Hi Evan,

I have been dating a really wonderful man for three months now, and at this point, we are spending our weekends together every week. We have an amazing, intense connection which we both acknowledge and at this point, I’m downright crazy about him, and I know he feels the same about me. When we are together, it just feels right, but we have yet to say “I love you” to each other. I’m not getting that he is ready to hear this yet, so despite my feelings, I avoid saying those three words to him. What I am getting – through his actions and emotions – is that he does indeed love me, but I am not pushing him to formally acknowledge it yet.

People in love don’t spend much time looking for love with other people.

The problem for me is this: in the past, he has fallen head over heels in love and gotten deep into relationships very quickly. Each time, it has clouded his judgment, and he got stuck in rather dysfunctional relationships, which obviously didn’t work out. He has been married once, and was in a long-term (five year) relationship with someone else. He is using this as a basis for keeping me at arm’s length emotionally, and while I understand what he is attempting to do, it is becoming increasingly frustrating for me. Our typical m.o., week after week, is that we have a wonderful, close, electric weekend together, and then nothing for most of the week. This is a very different situation for me, since the typical sign that someone is really into me is reflected in his wanting to call me / be with me fairly often.

He wants to see me each weekend, but unless I get upset about his lack of attention during the week, the time between Monday and Thursday just doesn’t seem to be a real priority for him where I’m concerned. What compounds the problem in my mind is that he is still active on two dating websites, which he says is “very limited” in usage, that he is just looking for “friends” in which he has no emotional ties to, since he’s happy and contented with me (allegedly) at this point in our relationship.

I tried to talk to him about this last weekend, keeping in mind that he is determined not to allow himself to relax and let things just happen naturally yet, even though three months is certainly not too soon to allow such feelings to happen. I expressed my issues with him not wanting to get off the sites and focus on “us” without distraction (in other words, we had the “exclusive” talk), and about his lack of interest in taking the initiative in contacting me more during the week.

Regarding being exclusive, I told him that I was off of the sites in order to focus on “us”, and hoped that he would feel the same. No answer (which told me a lot right there). He said his lack of contact was his way of “slowing himself down”, because ordinarily at this point in time, he would have had me practically moved in with him if I had come along earlier, and wants to build a solid foundation for a lasting relationship. That is something I want as well, but his remaining active on dating web sites even supposedly looking for “friends” is very disconcerting to me, and I told him as much.

Finally, the real question here: How long should I “patiently” wait for him to stop pulling back from me? Is there a good time frame to go by not only for him to acknowledge his feelings, but for me to make a decision about whether I should stick around or not? Six months? One year? I know everyone’s different, but I just need some guidance here, since I would like to see where things go without all the constraints!

Thank you!

Dear Jennifer,

I usually don’t run letters this long, especially when I’ve written at least seven articles in the past year that cover this specific topic (including What to Do When the Guy You’re Seeing Will Not Commit). Still, your letter was well-constructed, self aware, and worthy of response….

So here goes:

Our astute readers will have picked out these key phrases as to why you already know what you have to do.

1) He has been married once, and was in a long-term (five year) relationship with someone else. He is using this as a basis for keeping me at arm’s length emotionally.

Ah, you gotta love the built-in excuse. It’s brilliant in its infallible logic. Really, it’s on par with answering “I’m a perfectionist” to the “what’s your biggest flaw” question in a job interview. I mean, really, who could possibly argue? So get it straight: this darling man of integrity is just trying to protect you from getting hurt because he’s made some mistakes before. Got it.

Believe it or not, I’d still try to give him the benefit of the doubt, since I’ve been wrong before. Hey, maybe he’s just trying to break his pattern of leaping before he looked. Can’t blame a guy for that, can you?

Oh, yes you can.

2) What compounds the problem in my mind is that he is still active on two dating websites, which he says is “very limited” in usage, that he is just looking for “friends” in which he has no emotional ties to.

Couples don’t do that. People in love don’t spend much time looking for love with other people.

WALK. If he follows, he’s your boyfriend. If he doesn’t, he’s exactly who you thought he was.

This guy is using you, Jennifer, and what’s hard to take is that he doesn’t even know it. He’s just doing what’s right for himself, so it doesn’t even occur to him that he’s hurting you. Think about it. He’s not telling you he loves you, he’s not calling you his girlfriend, he’s not seeing you during the week, so how can he be called a jerk? He’s covering his ass. He gets to act like a boyfriend on the weekends, spend the week searching for other women, and still not have to step up to the plate and commit to you. Hey, why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?

3) No answer (which told me a lot right there).

Yeah, it’s hard to have a talk about “us” when there is no “us”. By saying nothing, he continues to cover his ass, and you continue to tolerate it. You’re expecting things to change, but he doesn’t want them to change. He wants a weekend girlfriend with all of the benefits, and none of the costs. As long as you tolerate this, it will continue. Six months? Sure, why not? You can have another exclusivity talk then when you see his profile on Match, but what for? To get three more months of sex and heartbreak in? Go for it and let me know how it goes.

I’m not a believer in ultimatums, but I’m big on action. So why don’t you give this one a try?

“I really, really care about you and have very much enjoyed our time together. But as amazing as I think you are, I’m not really getting my needs met here. I don’t want a weekend fuck-buddy. I want a boyfriend. And it’s become increasingly clear to me that it’s not going to be you. That’s okay. I’m not hurt or offended, but I need to find someone who wants a relationship. Good luck in your search.”

And then WALK.

If he follows, he’s your boyfriend.

If he doesn’t, he’s exactly who you thought he was. And you saved yourself another nine months of wasted time with a commitment-phobe. Use it well.

Warmest wishes,

Your friend,



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  1. 121
    Amy Rickers

    All of your articles hit home for me, but this one in particular has made things as CLEAR as ever! I am 3 months into a very healthy relationship with a very nice guy. I broke up with my EX not too long before that.  After reading the “truth” about men/relationships I feel not only at peace but ECSTATIC about my decision to break up with the EX and date the awesome, safe, kind guy.
    The story behind my ex: We dated for 2 years, 1 which was long-distance while I was in school. The last two months of our relationship (I hadn’t realized that at the time) I moved to be closer to him. I was going through a very tough time, I was depressed and having financial struggles. And he left me. After going back-and-forth with him for ONE LAST year, I finally decided enough was enough and ended it for good.
    He is the type of guy who is a little hard to just forget. He is an Alpha Male who makes you weak at the knees and is fun as all Hell… but the short-term burst of endorphins is only that- “short-term”. I am very lucky to have seen the writing on the wall before I wasted more time on him. And like I said, after reading your articles it helps me to realize that I might the right decision.
    I am still getting used to being with a guy who isn’t a 10, doesn’t give me severe butterflies, make me angry, sad, CRAZY… It sounds sad, but I’m having to get used to being in a normal, mature relationship.  I guess people (ME) don’t change overnight, but I am proud to be making an effort to change me for the better.  
    My Ex texted me two nights ago to “catch up”, he likes to remind me he is still very much alive- and I turned him down. The old me might have wanted my EX back- to follow my heart and go with the one who gives me “that feeling”.  The next day, my new boyfriend asked me to be official. THANK GOODNESS I STARTED READING YOUR WEBSITE. You equipped me well Evan, and I thank you for that. I thank you for the free Blogs for those of us who are just starting our careers J  

  2. 122

    I am not sure if checking to see if someone is actively on a dating site is the right way to go about it. I am dating someone and I still have a subscription and i go in about once a week, to delete some emails as once..i was inactive for 7 months and it took me ages and ages to go through accumulated mails. So i am not actively searching for someone but i still have a subscription and am keeping my inbox tidy. Also the guy i am dating has not said they want to be exclusive with me, so if i want to I can go on there….
    Which leads me to another question, when i first met him i really liked him and after 3 dates decided that i did not want to date anyone else just to see how it went, but I dont know what he is doing….

  3. 123

    From my personal experience, I feel I need to add an addendum to Evan’s original advice ” . . .And then WALK. If he follows, he’s your boyfriend.”
    Not necessarily. I just now am dating again after a six-year hiatus. My last “boyfriend” (I actually called him the guy that i was dating as I knew he wasn’t really even a “boyfriend”) was doing what your guy is doing. I gave him a similar talk to what Evan suggests, and then walked. BUT, he followed and said he really did care about me and blah, blah, blah but then kept doing the same B.S. as he had been doing: not calling during the week and staying on the dating sites. Finally on Valentine’s Day when I did not hear from him, I left him for good. So just because your guy follows you, doesn’t mean he has changed unless his actions do too (meaning, he gets off the site, starts calling you during the week and starts treating you like a treasure.)

  4. 124

    Good point Susan. I just assumed that’s what Evan meant: if he follows and starts acting like a bf vs if he lets you go.

  5. 125
    Peter 61

    Men’s interest level starts high and if requited, fades.  If you don’t have a path to the future that you can discuss without tension after 3 to 6 months, walk.  If you are a man, hooking the fish can take a lot longer.

  6. 126

    Really Peter? Within as soon as 3 months, a couple should have a “path to the future???”  I can tell you that if I guy started talking marriage & babies to me within 3 months, I’d be scared and wonder if he might be a bit desperate.

  7. 127

    @Henriette – I don’t think Peter meant marriage and babies by a path to the future, just that by 3-6 months a guy should know by then if he can see you in his life for the long term or if this is just a fling.  Evan says something similar – that by 3 months he should know whether he wants to commit and be your boyfriend.  If at 3 months you are still doing the once a week thing, he’s not calling you, and you have no idea when you’ll see him next, he is not acting like a bf and seeing you in his future!
    Also even if he talks about marriage at 6 months, depending on your age and depth of the relationship it can be perfectly normal.  People in their mid thirties who have a lot of experience in the dating world and know the kind of partner they want and can stthin discussing marriage at 6-7 months and likely get engaged at 1-1.5 years.

  8. 128

    I had a very similar situation as in Jennifer’s letter and those though in my mind were similar, but at the end I just couldn’t stand that he was seeing me less and less and his excuse I even don’t really understand. He said he feels miserable. I was patiently waiting but then fed up. Probably I was scared to loose him. He didn’t follow, it still hurts because he refused to talk about ‘us’. 

  9. 129

    @Irina  “… it’s clear to me that you are not going to be my boyfriend. Good luck in your search…” That is not an ultimatum. That is a farewell speech!
    No matter how I felt about I would think “..she has made up her mind. I guess I blew it. I am devastated, but it is too late now. She has already moved on,” nurse my wounds and try to forget her. Men are straightforward and take what you say very literally. If you say “… you are not going to be my boyfriend..” they will hear that as your decision, end of discussion, no debate.

  10. 130

    Wow i really enjoyed this article. Very insightful. Thanks to both parties involved

  11. 131

    Yes, Evan is right. 
    I waited too long for a man to commit, and have to say, I should have been smarter at the beginning.
    If a man just uses you for sex, why SHOULD he commit? No seriously!!!

  12. 132

    Evan was right.  I took his advice this morning and it worked.  I was so glad to have found this blog post yesterday when I was conflicted with what to do.  
    I’ve been dating a man who I found wonderful for two months.  We met on an online dating site, where he contacted me.  Even though we lived two hours apart, I said yes because he seemed like a nice guy.  We hit it off, and after our first date, we made the time and effort to see each other every week since that first date.  He would come to me.  I would go to him.  We would meet in the middle.  Things were great.  We really got each other.  We had tons of fun together, and had lots of things in common.  He was affectionate, available, kind, and loving.  He was consistent and gained my trust.  Things felt effortless and seemed to be progressing naturally.  
    Eventually, he started introducing me to his friends, and even his best friend that he’s know since 3rd grade.  We were now also spending two nights in a row together some weeks, and things were getting deeper.  We were getting through conflicts together.  He even told me that he had decided to eventually make the move to my city.  All these things felt like positive signs and it gave me a lot of reassurance.  But, we still had our dating profiles up.  It seemed like the only thing left to do was take them down, right?  They were still up, and we hadn’t addressed them.  Honestly, it didn’t even seem like a big deal to talk about because it seemed obvious that we getting serious.  I was just waiting for him to make the first move.  He didn’t, so I decided to bring it up, and with a lightness, I made a little joke that let him know that men still contacted me on the site, but that I had not gone out with any of them, because of him.  He made no comment.  Just sorta skipped over it.  This was the first waving red flag.  
    Of course, this left me kind of stunned.  He said nothing about it.  I knew he read it, and the no comment felt fishy.  Was he dating other people?  I decided that I would bring it up in person.  When he came to town a two days later, I decided to ask him while we were cuddling in bed.  Turns out he had gone on some dates.  I was surprised, but what surprised me more was what followed.  I asked him if he still intended on going on dates, and his response was that he liked using that site for meeting friends.  He said he had no intention of meeting anyone romantically, but was open to making friends there.  That did not sit well with me at all.  Then the conversation lead into the topic of exclusivity, where he began to get quiet.  His response was, “I don’t need to not be exclusive”.  Wait, what?  There was a lot of hesitance there.  Suddenly, I felt like I didn’t know who I was really dating.
    He ended up admitting to me that he had commitment issues.  All the confidence I felt previously was lost.  The thought of continuing to invest in this relationship felt terrifying.  I really really liked him, cared for him, but felt so confused.  I was torn between my heart and my head.  
    I needed help, so I decided I would check Evan’s blog for advice.  I read the post “How Long Should I Wait for Him to Commit to Me” and followed his advice.  At the end, Evan says to take action, and walk away.  If he follows, he’s your boyfriend.  If he doesn’t, he’s what you thought he was – a commitment phobe.  And that’s what he ended up being.  When I walked away, he didn’t argue.  He agreed with everything I said, and confessed that he was interested in the idea of love and a serious relationship, but was realizing that he was not committed to making it happen.  He agreed that he was enjoying the benefits of a girlfriend without the commitment.  That he wasn’t ready for the responsibility.  
    Hearing that sucked.  It wasn’t a pleasant moment.  But it was the truth, and I had to accept it.  So I did, and we broke up this morning.  I’m sad about it, and I will miss his companionship, but I’ll move on.  It’s better that it happened now, than later.  The less time and pain, the better.  
    So, thank you, Evan.  For the good advice.
    Much love,

    1. 132.1

      Congratulations!  I’m sure it was painful to “pull off the bandaid” but you did yourself a big favour.  Now you’re free to go out and find a good man who wants to commit to you.

    2. 132.2


      I wrote the first post in March, when we had just broken up, and to my surprise there is an update!  

      Unexpectedly, after completely moving on from this relationship, we have ended up back together, and in a relationship!  We ended up rekindling our friendship, and 4 months after we broke up, he revealed that he still had feelings for me all this time.  His feelings never died.  He ended up getting a job in LA and moved here three weeks ago.  And on top of this, we are in love!

      I did not expect this outcome at all.  When I broke up with him, I meant it.  It wasn’t a game, or a way to get what I wanted.  It was genuine.  I knew what I wanted, and he didn’t seem to want the same, so I moved on.  And, I really moved on!  I remembered him fondly, and trust me I mourned the relationship, but I let it go completely.  I was dating again and feeling great about myself.  So, for this to happen, for us to end up together and in love, is so surprisingly awesome.  

      Ladies — be loving.  Listen to your needs, and honor them.  Love others too, and respect where they are in their journey.  Maybe they’ll meet your needs, maybe they can’t, maybe they won’t want to.   In the end, love yourself enough to give yourself what you need, and trust that you will find just that.

      Much love, S. 

  13. 133

    [email protected] am glad you found this blog, and were able to walk away sooner rather than later and save yourself some heart aches.  Good for you, for having the courage to do that.  I am VERY suspicious of guys who live far away who contacted me.  For one thing, my profile specifically says my mileage range.  But I suspect that men from far away, who often “visit” my part of town, or are “thinking about moving here eventually” or just flat out live 2 hours away but think that the distance doesn’t matter, are just players, commitment phobes, or married men up to no good.  If they are online, they could narrow their search to women in their locale, so why on earth would they reach out to someone 2 or more hours away, if they really wanted a committed LTR ?     I won’t date anyone who lives more than an hour away.

    1. 133.1

      I thought it was strange at first too, but then I thought I’d be “open” and give it a shot. In retrospect, I could find more red flags now, but they were difficult to detect. 

  14. 134

    I have a similar situation. My guy got out of a 5 year relationship and wants to not be ‘labeled,’ but he acts like my boyfriend. He has a small child who he has to devote a lot of time to. He has also told me how much he likes me but wants to work on himself. I have tried to walk on more than one occasion and he has followed me. Basically right now I’m trying to give him space. We are exclusive and I told him if he gets on a dating site I’m not sticking around. I also told him I’m not wasting my time. We’ll tonight he found out his mom may have breast cancer. So I’m trying to give him his space and not make demands. I’d love to be with him all the time but he has to be with his 3 year old.  This whole non label thing really upset me, but he said he considers us together. He doesn’t want to see me with anyone else.  We are in contact every day. What he really means is space. So we’ll see, I’m giving it a couple months or until things change for the better or worse. I also told him I’m do not want to waste my time….but I feel the separation. I don’t know. I look at other guys and wonder if someone else will come along. 

  15. 135

    Couldn’t have come at a more perfect time.
    thanks Evan!
    The guy I have been seeing for two months suddenly at Christmas,  decides no contact going on three days now (we had daily cntact prior to this) never referred to me as his girlfriend,  was content with just coming over (for sex I see that now) . Ive been asked out by another guy, and I am moving on. No looking back. If h decides to call, I ll consider My options then.

  16. 136

    RE: ‘BeenThruTheWars
    ‘I couldn’t help thinking of the other frustrated women this guy is using during the week.’
    My thoughts EXACTLY!  
    Jennifer – have you met his friends? His family? His colleagues? 
    Who is he with? And what is he doing during the week – that he can’t pick up the phone to ask how you’re doing?
    I started dating a very nice guy once, and we got on great… but who, strangely enough, only ever asked asked me out on week-night dates. I said “I’m available Friday, Saturday…” … (but he never was.)
    So I said to him: “Tell me… I’m just curious… you are not available any weekend of the whole month… so, how many women are you dating at the moment?”
    He may have been ‘economical with the truth’ with me on our dates, but at least he wasn’t a liar. “Umm, err, erm… two other women, and you…,” he replied.
    So ask him the question. He may be ‘economical with the truth’ AND a liar (or not) Either way, it’s time to find out – otherwise you wouldn’t feel the need to ask Evan’s advice.
    The other thing is… some guys (and possibly your guy) will be on dating sites, will be actually dating, but then may come up with the justification that they’ve done nothing wrong “because it’s OK, because none of my dates were a success, because I didn’t get lucky, so you have nothing to worry about.”
    The fact that you have concerns, and are not content, speaks volumes…. about you NOT feeling you are in in the relationship of your dreams. Don’t let his lack of response sour your mood. Do not stoop to his level of non-commitment & non communication. Be nice to yourself, celebrate yourself and support yourself in what you want, and find someone who will join the party and do the same… the two of you, together.

  17. 137

    This was eye opening. I have been in an on again off again relationship for a year and a half. He calls here and there but only wants to see me at 11 pm or later on weeknights. He disappears every weekend saying he is busy. If I send him a text, it is rarely returned or it takes days for him to get back to me. Usually the text back is followed by “want some company? ” No he is not married, I’ve been to his place several times and honestly, he is a really good friend when we talk, but isn’t interested in being more than FWB, yet each time I walk he comes back and asks to see me after a few weeks to a month.

    We have had the exclusive talk and he said he didn’t want a label. He is on POF but swears he just is addicted to reading profiles and his profile is hidden. He says he isn’t contacting women unless he sees something funny.

    I don’t know if he is seeing someone else but I know he only wants to see me when I’m horizontal and during the week. We do not go out in public together more than a couple of times and then usually it’s for breakfast or maybe meet for drinks if he knows I’m ready to walk again. He has said he loves me but we are not in a commitment. He also was in a situation of a bad relationship and uses that as an excuse for his unwillingness to commit. Saying he is worried it would be bad for me.

    I’ve been in love and holding on, hoping everytime we reconnect that this time he is ready. This site is helping me immensely to begin the process of taking off the blinders and rolling up the doormat.

    I hope you find your strength, Jennifer!

    Thanks Evan and all who are part of this group!

  18. 138

    I did exactly this in fact I copied and pasted the response and sent it to the guy I am “Seeing” after almost a year of this going on.

    He responded that he hoped I found what I was looking for as well.

    Two days later the texts started again and it was like I never communicated this to him.


  19. 139


    Is so funny and no funny ahha how we all had the same guy and wasted months, years. This happened to me too. When I told him I was done his reply was, exactly the same one: “I hope you find what you are looking for”. Is like they go to the same fraternity. They want to be with us but only on their own terms.

  20. 140

    the truth is most men don’t want to be in committed relationships. we want our freedom.

  21. 141

    I have the same situation except that I don’t know if he is still on the dating website. What is worse is that we have been dating for 2 years and a half and i still have not met his 17 year old son, his family or any of his friends. Made a lot of excuses regarding that issue. Tried to be understanding. I can’t hold on for much longer. I have walked away so many times but i keep going back. I should walk away and see if he follows…

  22. 142

    I was in a very similar position. I was spending every weekend with a guy who refused to get off other dating sites even though he basically treated me like his girlfriend and knew how much it was bothering me. This went on for over 12 months, with me getting close to walking out multiple times but then seeing him do some tiny thing, or a tiny change in behaviour which gave me hope. I felt horrible and torn for the entire year and I wasn’t seeing anyone else whilst I didn’t really know what he was doing. It made me feel very paranoid. What I really wanted to say is – even if he commits officially this problem may not change.

    This guy is now my boyfriend, he did crack and accept putting a label on us, but I’m still paranoid, and I still feel he is looking elsewhere. Getting the label you want doesn’t give you the validation if you’re having to force the person into it. I feel like my boyfriend gave in to my pressure to commit, but I still don’t feel convinced that I’m the one, and I fear he’s just making do until something better comes along. The relationship isn’t making me very happy. What I’m saying is that if you’re having to do all the work to get his attention then you’re probably onto a losing game anyway. You want somebody who feels lucky and privileged by your interest in them and wants to dedicate his attention to you, not somebody whose attention you always have to fight for at this early stage.

    1. 142.1
      Karmic Equation

      So why are you still with your guy? Dump him. You deserve to be happy and NOT paranoid. Good relationships relax you. They don’t put you in a constant state of stress.

    2. 142.2

      Please do yourself a favor and lose this guy.  Fine, if he wants to keep looking for greener pastures, you do the same!  I was with someone like that and was so much happier when I dumped him–then found my devoted boyfriend, who voluntarily called me his girlfriend, cancelled his online dating subscription and really has eyes for no one else but me.  Men like that are out there, but you can’t be open to them with this guy by your side (since no other man will go near you while you’re with someone else–well, at least not a respectful one!)

  23. 143

    Just reading Evan’s advice;

    But I must say I was in a similar situation as Jennifer except we had been”dating” for 7 months!! What I noticed is that he acted like a boyfriend, for his benefit to keep track of where I went, what I was doing when we weren’t together.  He even brought me around family and friends but never introduced me as his girlfriend,  significant other etc…his intro : hey everybody this is Monica!

    He did just enough to make me think/believe we were more than just dating. Yep, he fed me the ole why do we need a title!?

    What stuck out to me most was his prior relationship where he was with someone for 6YEARS!! Never engaged and most likely she probably thought by hanging in there he would finally commit and propose!! I’m 45 or will be in a month and I don’t have 7more months to waste!! He was emotionally bankrupt where I was concerned and when I brought it to his attention he said he wasn’t an emotional person and he has never been emotional. I know men don’t express themselves like us women,  but he couldn’t or refused to say why he dated me, what he enjoyed  about being with me etc. ….In 7 months he had never expressed how he felt about me!!! Now he would always compliment me on my physical appearance,  but I needed more than that.

    Last Friday he called and I flat out asked him why did he want to continue to date me?? Of course he acted shocked, like this cane out of the blue??

    He flipped it on me and asked me why did I want to continue to date him?? My response: I said I DON’T and terminated the call.



  24. 144

    Here it goes… I have been seeing this guy for about 6 months. He definitely does not act his age and can be very immature at times. I know for a fact he’s unsure where this relationship is going when on the other hand I would love to be with this guy because I know that he’s what I want. I just feel stupid I didn’t end this sooner. I’m just his entertainment over the weekends! I understand he’s working a lot, but it’s not like he works in the White House! In other words, it doesn’t mean this guy has to go missing all week without saying a word. I just find it extremely offending. Here is what’s even worse… When guys don’t really have the feelings us girls have! We overthink things, but most of the time our instincts are on point! Guys keep themselves busy with their guy friends whether its going out, playing sports, or going to the gym. When us girls most likely will have a glass of wine and talk to our best friends about how annoying and frustrating this guy can be. Guys don’t overthink things especially when they’re not fully committed (they couldn’t care less).  Please get rid of a guy who is not all about you, it’s not worth it and he’s most likely selfish! Run while you can. (Trust me, I already learned my lesson!).

  25. 145

    when your gut starts talking–use your feet to start walking :_)

  26. 146

    Oh man my situation is some what different but I decided to walk away. He’s great man no social media or dating sites, I met a lot of friends and met his family but he would introduce me as a friend! Met one of his daughters briefly. We would spend every other weekend together because we had our kids every other weekend as well. We would see eachother during the week but that changed because he decided to change his work schedule so seeing eachother during the week couldn’t happen only on Fridays now. He called everyday and texted me. So around th 4 month mark the conversation would come up and I waited and waited till 6 MONTHS!!  But every time we would talk about us moving to th next level he would tell me what’s the rush? Let’s get to know eachother more! I want to make sure that this is it for me that you will be my future wife! Or I’m tipy toeing around asking you but I want to make sure! Wtf! He would say I don’t wanna break any promises I can’t keep so I need to make sure! Ugh the list goes on and on of excuses. Mmmmm he would say I was perfect, I was special I was amazing all the time, he would tell me he appreciates me all the time. Sounds good right? Every time it was a different excuse! But what about my feelings and needs so I’m suppose to sit back and wait for him to feel like he’s there? What if he never gets there then what? I’m assed out ! Nope so as hard as it was because he’s a really good guy but he wasn’t the right guy for me so I decided to walk away. He would claim he didn’t want to lose me and ask me to be patient. But I think a man knows by 6 months if he wants to make things happen or not. We are old enough to stop with these stupid games. Well I walked and I guess he didn’t like me enough to make things right. It’s been 5 days since we spoke but I’m glad I did what I did because I value myself as a women and I know my worth and I deserve someone who wants to be with me and grow with me!!! I don’t want to settle for someone who is scared of commitment or wants to just enjoy the ride and just live life without knowing what they want!

    1. 146.1
      Karmic Equation

      It’s pretty easy to know which guys to dump and which guys to give chances to.

      If what comes out of a guy’s mouth doesn’t match his actions, dump him.

      If tells you that you are “perfect” but only wants to spend every other weekend with you, you’re obviously not perfect enough for me. Do YOU treat men you consider perfect that way? Or are you looking for excuses to spend time with him?

      We all know when guys are stringing us along in the early stages of dating. But we’re almost always in denial because we don’t want to hold him to the standard of “saying what he means and meaning what he says.”

      Saying what a girl wants to hear is easy for most men. However only men who value you back up what he says with CONSISTENT actions. If he does something because you complain, then a week later he reverts, and you have to complain again, he’s not being consistent.

      Dump that guy. Please.

      1. 146.1.1
        Karmic Equation


        for him* (not me!) lol

  27. 147

    Girl, you need to go on other dates so you don’t get hurt, this will allow you to not use all your energy on him even though you want to and want to be loyal (I do this too) you have to!

    be busy on the occasional w/e see his reaction when your not available when he prefers, always be sweet and kind and he will start to miss your company, he may then realise what his got. Men are strange creatures at the start they love the chase and want what they can’t have regardless if they tel you they are crazy about you.

    Have time for him but don’t, if you get my drift.


    good luck! If it helps I have the exact thing happening with me his the Aussie George Clooney, that gorgeous and perfect, and the chemistry is electric but I’m holding back to hook him in. Ohh how I hate this part of dating.

  28. 148

    Sometimes your tough love, plain language, flat footed advice makes me want to argue back, but that’s usually b/c I don’t like what I’m hearing and you’re probably right !  I really enjoy your blog, Evan.  Keep it up !

    I will also chime in and say that him coming back does NOT mean he’s your boyfriend.  Having recently split from a commitment phobe, I can 1000% say that coming back should not be interpreted as a signal he’s ‘seen the light’.  Problem with these types is that they can’t commit to being with you and can’t commit to saying goodbye.  For some, it might be selfishly wanting to keep you ‘in play’ as an option.  For others, I truly believe they are trying… but can’t move past the panic of being all in or all out.  I kept thinking the ‘coming back’ was about me… nope !  Once I realized that, I was able to let go.  Thank GOD !

    So, if he comes back there needs to be a discussion as to why and what’s going to be different this time.  Otherwise it’ll just be lather, rinse and repeat 🙂




  29. 149

    Yes don’t be a fool like me.  I suggest that you dump him before you waste more time with him . The I was so hurt by my first marriage is such BS after many years and that he is online just to make friends and he didn’t even bother to change his ID which is what  a considerate cad would do He probably thinks he is a player. Is he a lot older than you?  It can be risky business online so look for red flags.  He sounds rather callous and full of it.  Walk and if he comes after you, you might want to run, it’s his ego that is hurting…no notches on his belt.

    You deserve better than I guy that is sampling women like Donald Trump does all week long! It’s true that Match and Yahoo are too expensive.

    Let him do all the work. Don’t do any work for him. Learned this lesson the hard way. Men like this take everything a woman does for them for granted

  30. 150
    Sampada nanda

    Girl u be In all d sites, don’t quit! Talk to as many frnds u can,try to make him feel jealous! Make him feel at his worst! Show him dat ur way more beautiful than he thinks! And yeah now I think why he got divorced! He is with u for his physical satisfaction nothing more! He wants other girls who can satisfy his needs! Stop giving him that which he wants from u! Stop fulfilling his necessity! He is not the only man in dis world!  Stop crying out for tym!

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