How To Guarantee A Guy Calls You After Sex

A woman on the bed calling someone
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Hi Evan,

To explain why a great date doesn’t necessarily mean anything to men, you wrote: “Instead of thinking in terms of black and white (He likes me/he doesn’t like me), think in terms of grey. Isn’t it possible that a guy can be out, enjoying your company, being thoughtful, telling you you’re beautiful, kissing you at the end of the night, and never call you again?”   

I guess it’s possible, theoretically. I am not a man, so it’s difficult for me to understand. But why would a guy do that? For example, if I like a guy, and I had a good time on a date, I’d like to see him again. I think about it in 2nd grade terms, “I like a person, I would like to see them again. I don’t like a person, I don’t want to see them again” That applies to all people –  men, women, romantic or platonic.

You also wrote: “All you can do as a woman is not make the date “mean” something, because 50% of the time, as you can probably see, it doesn’t mean a thing to him…”

Yeah, I think that’s an assumption. I, personally, cannot SEE that it doesn’t mean a thing to him, like I can’t differentiate. When do things start meaning to a man?

So what distinguishes when a guy goes on a date, has a good time, but is just “in the moment, and doesn’t call me back, versus a guy who had a good time with me and then calls me back? Is this “in the moment” feeling  premeditated, i.e. the guy knows this date isn’t going to be serious, before the date occurs? Or does the “in the moment” feeling occur during the process of the date, which is dependent on the woman and on a date itself? So tell me about your experiences. How do you approach this dating, “in the moment” situtation? I am just trying to understand the psyche.

Maybe it’s just me, but all interactions with people mean something to me. I feel that’s the respect I should give to another person. And if they don’t mean anything to me, then it’s because I don’t want to interact with that person.

Any clarification of this idea would be  very helpful.

Jean

Dear Jean,

I’m going to drop the dating coach bit for a second and just be a guy.

When I was dating prolifically, I’d be going out with two or three women at a time. And every single time I went out, I did two things:

  1. I tried to be the best date I possibly could. I’d call, email, express interest, plan a good date, show up on time, etc.
  2. I tried to make her want me really badly. I’d listen, I’d lean in, I’d flirt, I’d compliment her.

In short, I wanted every single date to feel good about me, so I would have the option of going out with her again. Sometimes, we’d hug goodbye. Other times, we’d drunkenly go back to her place. But no matter what, I was looking to keep my options open, have fun, and sometimes get a little action. And yes, I was always in pursuit of a long-term relationship. I just didn’t want to deprive myself entirely of sexual activity until I fell in love.

By the way, whether you agree or not, I considered myself a NICE guy. I slept with very few people, I never said, “I love you” and I rarely kept a physical relationship going beyond a few weeks, if I felt it was headed nowhere.

To me, I felt like I was acting with integrity. To a woman who woke up next to me after a first date and thought that we were “in a relationship”, I can see how she felt differently….

This is the bargain we strike when we’re dating.

My friend, dating coach and matchmaker, Julie Ferman, talks about what a strange world we live in where we are more comfortable sleeping with a stranger than we are TALKING about what it means to sleep together. And it’s kind of true, isn’t it? Better to hop in bed and hope we can handle the emotional consequences than it is to have a weird conversation about commitment, right?

So if you really want to understand men, Jean, chew on this one for awhile:

Men look for sex and find love.

Women look for love and find sex.

You would never sleep with someone you weren’t interested in.

We will. Gladly.

Until you GET this, until you truly EMBRACE the fact that we think with our penises and allow our brains to catch up weeks later, you’re ALWAYS going to be surprised at the “disconnect” between men’s words and their actions.

Our words are designed to charm you and make you feel comfortable.

Our actions reveal whether there’s any deeper intentions behind our words.

So again, the only way you can tell if a guy is sincere is by WHAT KIND OF EFFORT HE MAKES FOR YOU AFTER YOU GO OUT.

Not if he told you he loves you, not if he slept with you.

Only if he calls you the next day to make another date can you be really sure.

And if you want to be positive that a guy won’t sleep with you unless he’s serious about you, then don’t sleep with him until he’s given you a commitment. You’ll have a lot less sex, but a lot less heartbreak as well.

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Comments:

  1. 41
    ella

    bottom line why dont guys call/talk to you after the fact.

  2. 42
    Carol

    I am for one of those who have been to the mountain. I have had the sex, and  I spoke to the man that same day when he left. But after that, I have tried twice to reach him via phone two weeks apart, and it went to voicemail. RED FLAG! I was born at night, but it wasn’t last night. You don’t want to talk to me?! Two can play at that game. “Out of sight, out of mind”. He verbalily  said I was his girlfriend, but he treats me this way? I don’t think so…  (Lesson) You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. In this case you have to look at it from a perspective that it NOT YOURS. It was just sex. that is it, MOVE ON. Don’t get use to he/she until they make an appearance the next day, and the day after that. PLEASE on your toes for the stalkers….

  3. 43
    Lisa

    I was divorced several years ago and I have recentlty entered the dating scene. I have experienced some ya-hoos cross my path over the course of the past six months and one thing I have discovered is that they all have their own angle on how to “draw” a woman in. After several months of dating, and lacking sex for three years, I finally met a nice man. I refused all the other men in the past to sleep with because their dating tactics were cheesy and tacky. In other words, it was obvious they would be the ones to play you. So, I meet this nice man, we go out a few times and my goodness, the sparks and the chemistry, I had so been longing to feel a man, so I decide HE is the one I will sleep with. I tucked the notion in the back of my mind that I could potentially not have a relationship with this guy. The sex was great. It was several hours after he left my place that I contacted him as we had spoke the previous night about going on a double date, which he accepted. So after I contacted him about getting together that nite for the double date, he kept changing the subject. Finally I told him I needed to go and wished him a good nite. We have not spoken since. He has made no attempt to contact me or try to set up a date. Yet, prior to the sex, we spoke very nite and meeting up and going out. Explain that one? I then realized I may have just been played…and Iam ok with it and then again I am not. Simply because I feel as though I was deceived. I have learned something from all of this. There is a little bit of player in all of us. And I am learning the game. You will win some and you will lose some; but each new man affords me a greater insight to what I WANT. And let’s face it ladies, it should be about us. If he were to call me, I would go out with him again, because I want to, regardless of what he thinks or even if there was a motive on his part. In turn, I set my boundaries as well, by not contacting him again either. So, I’ve sent my own message, not because Iam hurt he blew me off after having off, but because he assumed I couldn’t handle not being in a relationship with him. It;s his arrogance that turned me off, not his tactics. I own my own life and I control MY life, not him. I have learned not to have expectations and that means AFTER sex as well. Now, there is a certain level of respect that should be shown, but in the grand scheme of things, he owes me nothing, I made a decision based on what I wanted not what I was hoping would come out of it just because I slept with him. In short, nothing should have changed. But with him it did.I enjoyed his company. By him not contacting me, I believe is his way of letting me know his boundaries. Which he has a right to set, whether he played me or not. You know why? Because once again he owed me nothing when I made the decision to sleep with him. Just as I owe him nothing. Him not calling me is his way of letting me know “hey, just because we had sex, doesn’t mean I have to spend every moment with you trying to make you feel better about a mutual decision we both made to have sex.” Period. Now if he is a mature and decent guy he can balance that and we can go back to the PRE-SEX relation we were having. It’s a hard pill to swallow because I liked him and I feel as though it could have gone somewhere; but we all need to accept the fact that as much as we would like the other person to be into us ( I mean after all they were jumping through hoops pre-sex) the behavior should not change post-sex. But with men, it does. Either they feel pressured or spooked, or they needed a ego lift. Either way it’s no reflection on us as woman or our ability or inability to land a good man. This guy may stay gone, but that is a decision he feels is best for him. Now he is missing out on a wonderful woman, and if he can’t see it after sleeping with me, then Iam sure he would be missing alot more of what I can offer in the course of any kind of relationship. Iam sad in a sense because I would have liked to seen where this would have went…and by deciding to sleep with thim, would be the sure fire way to find out, because a man won’t tell you. And if he calls or our paths meet ,then I will tell him this, because one thing a man doesnt expect from a woman (other then for her to be needy and clingy or expecting a relationship), is to be honest with where things could have went or not. By letting a man know you are ok with it BEFORE the sex, and that a disappearing act isn’t necessary, he can stay if he wants or he can go if he wants. Then YOU decide what you want from him, noone— male or female should give up the power and control of the direction of any said relationship because of sex. Too many games and not enough raw honesty I say. Sex or no sex, right or wrong, sleazy or genuine…the bottom line is noone likes rejection, but through it..it can become a huge part of accepting YOURSELF.

    1. 43.1
      fay

      Thank you for your comment Lisa it was very hearfelt, honest, and true. I’m in a similar situation. Met someone I really like, hadn’t had sex in 6 mos and that was my first ons (it was great sex but I won’t be doing that again.) Now this guy, I like him a lot, but i know he won’t commit to me. I don’t really care. I made the decision to have sex, for me, and we became fwb. Even before sex we used to talk every day sometimes for hours. Every time the sex gets better and better. But after this last (best) time he suddenly disappeared. I have adopted the same mentality as you. Who knows what he’s thinking? I knew what I was getting into and I can’t change him.  Is it possible for men to get spooked off by great sex? I don’t know but I kind of think, yes. If he can see you’re great but doesn’t for whatever reason want a ltr, he runs. We women shouldn’t be sad about it. It feels sad because I know we could build something together but if he doesn’t want to it’s his loss. You’ll drive yourself crazy wondering where you went wrong, if you can’t accept others behavior at face valu

  4. 44
    wildcat

    It seems to me that men are the ones who can not emotionally handle a “friends with benefits” type of relationship? I recently enjoyed an evening with a man. It was a blast. We connected well. Had some awesome random sex. Now I met this man through a friend of mine who I happen to be friends with since we were kids. He “hooked me up” and I “hooked him up” with a friend of mine type of thing. I am a grown woman and know quite well how it works. I am not looking for nor want any type of commitment at this time in my life and it happens to be that that I am purposly choosing unavailable men. I am souly on a mission to have meaningless sex. However, I would like a continious “botty call”. I have been through a few and even though very good times were had they dont call. I think men think we want more than it is. Why is it so hard for them to just be “friends with benefits”. If it was a good time for them than why wouldnt the want to do it again? I could totally be this guys friend and have sex with him on a regular basis with out attachment. If he would call!

  5. 45
    chichi_von_b

    hehe, wildcat – I have “almost” the same problem – they think they’re invited back, but end up upset because  I just wanted to “see” what was up – nothing else 😉

    Reading the article and many of the comments – and having been one of the “loved, lost and in the game again” crowd, I have a hard time swallowing the the rules of “holding out for commitment” thrust upon women any more than I can the “sex-hound-ism” of men.  

    For the women who find themselves never getting the call back, perhaps you’re really just selecting unavailable guys, or maybe sending off that aroma of “please, please, please call me tomorrow and what are you doing for the rest of your life.”

    And for the male half of the equation, I’ve seen plenty of  you trying to hard to get laid, then being suprised when you do AND she flips the script and doesn’t want anything further from you!

    I’ve  watched  several of my girlfriends approach each and every date as if “he” was going to be their next chance  at “forever love” only to be bitterly disappointed each and everytime.    Those same gal pals clicking their tongue and shaking their heads  at me for  having a much more cavalier attitude about dating.    “How can you just ‘give it up’ like that?” they ask.    Give up what – sex?   my time?   a chance at a LTR?   A second date?  

    Hmmph, if  the date is great and he’s hot, he may get some, he may not, I may not feel like it, his breath may stink  or  I’m really thinking about someone else – I get to chose!   And if it’s looking like something more serious, sex usually doesn’t rear it’s head for awhile anyway!   And trying to have  a single booty call boy is a  sure way to catching some unwanted feelings, no wonder boys run from regular free lays  – it’s better to have a couple of boys to help keep ones mind clear, if you’re going to play that game!        

    I’ve found the best medicine is to not take sex sooo seriously (aside from STD and unwanted pregnancy prevention), date, have sex, meet people – do your thing.   Keep your weekends booked up with new men, different ones, girlfriends, family, etc…then you’re not pondering the one who ain’t calling.   And if you find yourself stranded on that Isle of Rumination, immediately head to your “lil black book” and call the next boy.   It’s just like Chris Rock says, “new p*ssy always clears you mind.”   It works the same way for us gals – and we don’t have to get naked to appreciate the value in that sentiment  😉

  6. 46
    Julie

    Lots of great information here and it sure sounds like lots of similarities in the dating scene.   What has me confused is after multiple dates and this guy seemingly being really interested in me, he said there was chemistry, was looking for LTR, introduced me to his children and even referenced that being a big deal. We discussed ‘sex’ and he mentioned that he didn’t engage in sex lightly and in fact it was ‘serious’ for him to engage that way.   Sex was great, and he asked me to stay the night, we discussed ‘future’ plans such as going on a trip together, plans for the summer, and him wanting to meet my kids. We made plans for a date that next weekend before I left. All great signs..so I thought.   I didn’t hear back from him for a few days, so I contacted him and just politely left a ” hi, hope your having a great week ” still nothing.. So I let it go, and decided to move on.   Then I get a message from him stating he would marry me in a heartbeat.. ?? Huh? You won’t/don’t communicate yet you would Marry me in a heartbeat? Sounds like games to me.. Thinking he is keeping me as an option perhaps as he pursues others? Or working out some ‘issues’ or who knows what.. Women share what they feel, and are willing to talk, I see and hear Men complaining women just want sex, or play games. .doesn’t everyone realize were teaching one another to behave this way and it’s not working for anyone!!

  7. 47
    Diana

    It’s very interesting to read all of the above, but just enjoy live not all encounters end up in a relationship. Despite I think that every person want to know the reason and understand why, it’s impossible. Maybe instead if reading all negative things find a happy blog, go for a walk, just try to enjoy it might be not the last time you get hurt but that only will make you appreciate something real when you find it.
    I also met a guy online to whom I use to speak and Skype every day before we met; I came to visit him we spent 4 days together and I never heard from him again. I am not going to lie and say I feel completely indifferent but it’s just what happened, there is a never guarantee that someone will call you back, marry you or it will turn into something special. But the beauty of all things if you willingly to love and make someone else happy because you are happy it will eventually comeJ)))))))))))))))))))))
      

      

  8. 48
    yumyumfoodrecipes.com

      
      
    Well there is no guarantee that after having sex, the guy would be calling you..Unless he likes you a lot and have this little feelings with you.

  9. 49
    Fullmoon69

    Adam, You sound wonderful 🙂

      

  10. 50
    Anna

    I personaly don’t think sex has anything to do with the guy calling you or not. If he likes you he will call wether you sleeping with him on the first date or not.

    Think about it sex nowadays is easy anyone can get laid, so if it’s not you it will be someone else. So why not enjoy the experiance, as long as you have fun. What is the harm?

  11. 51
    Katarina Phang

    Anna, yes.   We’ve been talking back and forth about this on the other thread.

    I’m with you in regards of sex.   Lighten up, it’s just sex…it won’t kill you just because you have sex because you want it (even if he disappears after that), a huge part of why we are here in the first place.  

  12. 52
    MH

    I think if he is looking for sex, he will try to press his luck when he first meets you and/or talks to you. I met one man who is a player, who has enticed by one woman who made him go out of his way to find her.
      
    I’ve made myself too available to some men and have felt hurt/used and disappointed because once they get sex, most likely they will never think of you/keep in touch with you after.

  13. 53
    drumrdame

    Sapphire: Thank you soooooooooooooo much for telling the Truth. It’s so true that sex b/f marriage is adultery, fornication. There is a reason why God provided these peramiters-to keep us safe. I can’t tell you how painful and long-lasting (whether you want to admit it or not women) the feelings can be after you slept with a guy and he them becomes part of your history and just a memory-negative ones.
    Anyhow, it’s not easy at all to find a guy who will wait, Christian or not, but obviously it’s worth it. Yes, a relationship cannot survive on Sex. Sex does not pay the bills, it does not provide answers to problems…

  14. 54
    Rachel

    @ no 25 I have the same problem, I have dated many guys from online as I don’t seem to meet any potential dates in real life, some of them I slept with too early and some I waited or didn’t sleep with them at all but all had the same outcome.

    They all tell me how great I am and seem really into me then get scared once they feel I like them back, it’s like game over for them.

    The latest guy I dated was really into me and we clicked, we eventually slept together and he went all cold on me, he said he didn’t feel we clicked in the bedroom yet he still really fancied me. To be honest I would have rather slept with him earlier to find this out, this is not the first time I have waited only for the guy to say the sex wasnt for him. Yet when I sleep with a date early on they seem to want more, but not a relationship.

    I have learned that as   a woman I really can’t win whatever I do.
    I have given up on dating. It has not made me feel good about myself.
      

  15. 55
    Star

    The dating thing is sooo hard!   Just a lot of work, get your hopes up only to have them dashed.   The things that have worked for me are… 1) letting a guy know that I am interested in going out with him, someone I choose, not the men who ask me out as I find those dates go nowhere as I am usually not interested in them.   I choose the guys, let them know I’m interested and then go out with them, 9 times out of 10 we hit it off in some way and I enjoy the dates much more and most have ended in short relationships.   2) knowing my boundaries and not ever letting a guy cross them, if a guy is not contacting me entusiastically by telephone and consistantly about going out or getting to know me then I don’t go out with him.   3) the whole sex thing, most men will chase you for it if they like you enough and if you make them chase by not calling them (like NEVER!), don’t be available all the time, insist on dates (not just hanging out), make them work for it, don’t be all nice to them, make them work hard for at least 3 months, they want to work this hard and want to chase.   and really I don’t even believe it if they say its an LTR or an exclusive thing before they have sex with you, i’ve been dumped or cheated on after sex after having all those agreements in place  … never a sure a thing.   best thing to do is watch his actions, don’t put up with any crap, call him on all of it, do not persue him, and if he’s making you a part of his life, meeting friends, family etc etc the more entrenched you are in his life, the better chance you have of not getting dumped after you do the deed 🙂     you can fool around with him though, just keep control, no actual intercourse… if he walks before that, oh well.     And discreetly date other guys on the side so you do get your needs met, we all have needs 🙂  

  16. 56
    A.L.

    I’m a 24 year old, single professional mother. I came across this article at just the right time. I have been seeing a man for about 3 months. At first everything was WONDERFUL. He was SOOO into me – or so it seemed. He said he wanted to be “exclusive” (only see each other) but not “official.” Within the first month, I didn’t think anything of it. Because we were just getting to know each other. After the 2 month mark, it became clear he was drifting away. I knew what it meant. I freaks out, panicked and acted extremely needy. FURTHER pushing him away.

    Finally I decided I didn’t want to be used to for sex anymore. At first I thought cut him off completely. I came across this article about words vs actions. So true! Thank you, Evan!!!

    So after this I realized being “used” for sex is sometimes a state of mind. I decided to use him back. We went out last Saturday, hooked up and immediately afterward, I left. He asked me to text him when I got home (I live an hour away.) … But I never did. I detached myself from the strong feelings I had and was the guy for once. And he reacted in a way he hasn’t in over a month. Texting, calling, pursuing ME. WELL… Buddy, lost his chance. But I think I’m learning about the difference between men and women. And next time, I’ll be a LOT smarter.

  17. 57
    Jasmine

    Adam don’t tell Mary where you live, tell me 😀

  18. 58
    jessica

    Evan makes this see SO SIMPLE.   BLACK AND WHITE.   Women, behave a certain way and you will always come out on top.   NOT TRUE.   Yes, there are absolutely behaviors that many men share.   Also, that many women share.   HOWEVER, human beings are NOT an exact science so we can not treat it this way.   I do agree with Evan on many issues, however, I also disagree.   For example, it is possible that a man’s ACTIONS can be great – and then the moment you get comfortable he freaks out…once he feels “he has you”.   This happens ALL THE TIME.   This is a guy who is afraid of commitment.   But there is no way of knowing, because he doesnt even know!   If you date a guy for a month, you hangout several times a week.   Meet his friends, talk on the phone becuse he CALLS and wnats to see how you are.   Then, goes on vaca, but doesnt contact you the entire time.   CONFUSING RIGHT?   Because he is confused, or different than you…   The woman can not decipher one way or the other what this means…because we are always being told we are too sensitive or needy.   It could mean he doesnt care, or it could mean his phone is off out of the country and thinks there is nothing disrespectful about it.   TWO DIFFERENT MEN, TWO DIFFERENT REASONS.   It is NOT an exact science – human beings never are… yes it can be VERY CLEAR one way or the other, but it can also be very gray.   So do you walk away from gray (mostly good) because its not exactly right?   AS women today there is so much pressure on us to either make or break the relationship.   It is mostly OUR behavior while initially dating that guides the relationship…unless the guy is literally an asshole.   So let us say, you date this guy a month or so.   He is unbelivable attentive, sweet, but occasionally inconsiderate (or are you just over analyzing??) – you hang ou   ALOT considering your schedules, he always does what he says he will, he does not pressurre you for sex.. he wants to know your last name, bday, and family names…and then… as you start to become less cautious and more comfortable he slowly becomes aloof.   Is this my fault? NOOO. It is his issues.   Now we have sex, 10 dates later… (and also being acquaintances for years) and h DOES NOT call you the next day.   He sleeps i with you, cuddles you, and takes you to breakfast…but leaves (doesnt have plans or anywhere to be) talks about your plans for the following weekend – but doesnt call…or text…   So Evan, is this a clear cut thing ? NO- the guy is confused , scared, hs his own issues taht have NOTHING TO do with howi have behaved…   There was no way to forsee this or guarantee anything.

  19. 59
    jessica

    Also depends on the two people, what you need.   Personally, I need daily contact.   NOT all day long morning noon and night, but every day.   Some people need more or less, and they can care the same amount.

  20. 60
    jessica

    #47 i love your attitude..BUT, the problem is… BIOLOGY.   Women ar made to want a comittment.   Our bodies literally have hormones that produce after sex which make us want to bond.   men, on the other hand – biologically want to spread their seed.   OF COURSE, men dont want to be lonely.   But the more options they FEEL that they have, the LESS likely it will work out long term.   In NYC, there are 5 women to 2 men (about).   With the biology of men and women, is it so ODD that its the toughest city to date in?   Also, the men who live in NYC are mostly all successful.   Combine these factores, and why WOULD THEY want to settle down?   Even the “losers” who maybe are goodlooking, there are so many deperate girls they don’t even want to settle or feel that they have to.   Why in small towns,, is everyone married?   Because there are NOT so many options.   When you find someone you like, you HOLD ONTO IT.   In NYC, they freak out even if tey do love you and arent bad guys because — they have all these options walking around in their face everyday…

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