How To Guarantee A Guy Calls You After Sex

A woman on the bed calling someone
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Hi Evan,

To explain why a great date doesn’t necessarily mean anything to men, you wrote: “Instead of thinking in terms of black and white (He likes me/he doesn’t like me), think in terms of grey. Isn’t it possible that a guy can be out, enjoying your company, being thoughtful, telling you you’re beautiful, kissing you at the end of the night, and never call you again?”   

I guess it’s possible, theoretically. I am not a man, so it’s difficult for me to understand. But why would a guy do that? For example, if I like a guy, and I had a good time on a date, I’d like to see him again. I think about it in 2nd grade terms, “I like a person, I would like to see them again. I don’t like a person, I don’t want to see them again” That applies to all people –  men, women, romantic or platonic.

You also wrote: “All you can do as a woman is not make the date “mean” something, because 50% of the time, as you can probably see, it doesn’t mean a thing to him…”

Yeah, I think that’s an assumption. I, personally, cannot SEE that it doesn’t mean a thing to him, like I can’t differentiate. When do things start meaning to a man?

So what distinguishes when a guy goes on a date, has a good time, but is just “in the moment, and doesn’t call me back, versus a guy who had a good time with me and then calls me back? Is this “in the moment” feeling  premeditated, i.e. the guy knows this date isn’t going to be serious, before the date occurs? Or does the “in the moment” feeling occur during the process of the date, which is dependent on the woman and on a date itself? So tell me about your experiences. How do you approach this dating, “in the moment” situtation? I am just trying to understand the psyche.

Maybe it’s just me, but all interactions with people mean something to me. I feel that’s the respect I should give to another person. And if they don’t mean anything to me, then it’s because I don’t want to interact with that person.

Any clarification of this idea would be  very helpful.

Jean

Dear Jean,

I’m going to drop the dating coach bit for a second and just be a guy.

When I was dating prolifically, I’d be going out with two or three women at a time. And every single time I went out, I did two things:

  1. I tried to be the best date I possibly could. I’d call, email, express interest, plan a good date, show up on time, etc.
  2. I tried to make her want me really badly. I’d listen, I’d lean in, I’d flirt, I’d compliment her.

In short, I wanted every single date to feel good about me, so I would have the option of going out with her again. Sometimes, we’d hug goodbye. Other times, we’d drunkenly go back to her place. But no matter what, I was looking to keep my options open, have fun, and sometimes get a little action. And yes, I was always in pursuit of a long-term relationship. I just didn’t want to deprive myself entirely of sexual activity until I fell in love.

By the way, whether you agree or not, I considered myself a NICE guy. I slept with very few people, I never said, “I love you” and I rarely kept a physical relationship going beyond a few weeks, if I felt it was headed nowhere.

To me, I felt like I was acting with integrity. To a woman who woke up next to me after a first date and thought that we were “in a relationship”, I can see how she felt differently….

This is the bargain we strike when we’re dating.

My friend, dating coach and matchmaker, Julie Ferman, talks about what a strange world we live in where we are more comfortable sleeping with a stranger than we are TALKING about what it means to sleep together. And it’s kind of true, isn’t it? Better to hop in bed and hope we can handle the emotional consequences than it is to have a weird conversation about commitment, right?

So if you really want to understand men, Jean, chew on this one for awhile:

Men look for sex and find love.

Women look for love and find sex.

You would never sleep with someone you weren’t interested in.

We will. Gladly.

Until you GET this, until you truly EMBRACE the fact that we think with our penises and allow our brains to catch up weeks later, you’re ALWAYS going to be surprised at the “disconnect” between men’s words and their actions.

Our words are designed to charm you and make you feel comfortable.

Our actions reveal whether there’s any deeper intentions behind our words.

So again, the only way you can tell if a guy is sincere is by WHAT KIND OF EFFORT HE MAKES FOR YOU AFTER YOU GO OUT.

Not if he told you he loves you, not if he slept with you.

Only if he calls you the next day to make another date can you be really sure.

And if you want to be positive that a guy won’t sleep with you unless he’s serious about you, then don’t sleep with him until he’s given you a commitment. You’ll have a lot less sex, but a lot less heartbreak as well.

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Comments:

  1. 81
    Clara

    I’ve read this thread with so much attention and just want to say this: there’s only one right man for you, or only one right woman for you, but you won’t find them until you’re ready.

    Many of these dates, friends with benefits, guys that never call again after a first date or after sex, etc, they appear in your life not at random, but because they’re showing you lessons you need to learn about YOURSELF!

    So stop analysing why they do what they do or they are how they are, and start looking at yourself. You need to love yourself first before you find the right person. And whist you don’t do this, the universe will keep bringing you the same type of guys/gals over and over again. Their name and face change, but they’re the same story all over again.

    So stop and listen to what is happening. Why are you  attracting guys that never call after sex and/or are emotionally unavailable? Are you  emotionally available for a relationship??? Maybe you think you are and you are  not, that’s why  you keep attracting these guys. Law of Attraction, anyone!?

    So stop blaming these guys/gals and have a deep look into yourself. Do the inner work you need to do, keep dating and see people you meet as mirrors of yourself and  see the lessons as lessons.

    When you love yourself and are ready for a relationship, the right guy/gal will come into your life. And then things will happen naturally, with no drama, no “commitment talk”, no “waiting for him to call but he didn’t”, etc. It will just flow.

  2. 82
    Fortyfitandfine

    It’s been my experience,   that the world is revolving and many dating traditions are being lost in it. I was divorced and didn’t start dating until about 2 years afterwards. Never haven been single since being a teen, i had absolutely no idea how to date. What I have learned is that ppl put a huge amount of EVERYTHING INTO SEX….This is for the women,   STOP IT,   JUST BECAUSE YOU GAVE HIM SOME KATT DOESN’T MEAN YOU GAVE HIM EVERYTHING. YOU’RE MORE THAN YOUR TWAT. I don’t put much into the act of sex,   it’s beautiful and with the right person,   it can be magnetic. But think about it,   the average sex session last about 30 to 45 mins, an orgasms last for less than a min. I take more time preparing dinner…If women can get to a place of POWER, there would be way less emotional turmoil. Sex is an act, managing a relationship is where your true power lies, the katt is only going to hold a man’s attention for so long,   they have absolutely no ties to it at all,   they can go have sex with anyone and soothe that craving,   so stop looking at it like it’s the end all. You should be in it for the big O, not for marriage. If you change your mentality,   you’d be amazed.

    The first time I had sex with a guy After my divorce,   I waited,   did the whole courtship thing,   and he waited me out. I was sure we were in a relationship,   and he was into me….They’ll wait a year for what they want,   but if it’s all they want,   after its over,   then it’s over. We had sex,   phone calls stop coming,   text stopped,   he basically stepped off….lol…..but needles to say,   I never called him afterwards. I waited to see where his intentions were,he didn’t call for a month, then out of the blue,   he calls and says I haven’t heard from you. ….blank stare……lol….we never got together again after I told him I wasn’t interested in him. He asked if he pleased me,   I lied, told him no. Lol…and even today I can’t get him to go away….i think that’s an ego thing….initially it hurt me   but I learned something very valuable,   you do have to fall back if you’re looking to be chosen, you have to let him choose you….there’s nothing you can do. But when it comes to Sex,   you have to disconnect that from you trail to be married….it should really be just for the big O, and it can be done. I’m not saying let loose and give every man your treasure,   but if you want an Orgasm get one expecting nothing in return,   if you’re not capable,   the get some toys and don’t have sex until you get the ring. BTW, the moron said I was the best he ever had,   and it took him a while to realize what a great woman I was….BLAH BLAH BLAH….fool me once! My guess is,   he was just looking for another round.

    In a relationship I know I bring alot to the table,   spiritually,   emotionally, and physically,   so if a man comes just for the sex,   it’s his lost not mine, because I’m way more than Ms. Kitty…..she’s an extra bonus. If you know who you are and where your true power comes from,   no man will be able to take that away,   so tap into that ladies. I’m now in a committed relationship with a man that absolutely adores me and when we first has sex, i was truly just looking to get laid…call it luck,   or whatever,   but he could have left and never called and I would have been just fine. At then end of the day,   it’s all a gamble,   you have to decide how much you’re willing to lose.

  3. 83
    Alex

    I also wouldn’t sleep with a girl unless I liked her. As in wanted a relationship with her. (hence being 28 and only having slept with 2 people)

    I also won’t believe next date is coming until I hear by text/call as people will tell you what you want to hear in person.

    At this present point I am waiting for that text/call that post late night encounter we are still good.

    Everything points to another date… But I don’t believe it until it happens..

     

    However I know I’m not the typical guy myself!

  4. 84
    Happy hard man

    How To Guarantee A Guy Calls You After Sex
    Another carefully worded question designed to maybe not get the right answer she is afraid of.

    The real words in this question when she wrote this in her mind is “What kinds of sex acts should I do to guarantee he will call me after”

    1. 84.1
      hunter

      ..happyhardman,,

      …a man might call after sex, if she shows enthusiasm in bed/touches her partner/side to side movement, etc….

    2. 84.2
      Tendai

      It’s true how dirty the sex was will get him to call you back men are shallow like that sex is everything . You may as well be a awful person but if the sex is awesome he will call you back

  5. 85
    Patrick

    Yet another question from a female when the answer is so simple and not what they want to hear and usually never accept as true.

    Men are ALL about GREAT sex and not “making love” all the time.   When a woman sleeps with a man for the first time she better rock his world get down and dirty and slut out. Get him hooked on you like candy to a baby. After you got him hooked them you can move into the making love area. Men do like to make love, sexually satisfing women and not just bang like a jack hammer with advanced sex acts and toys in the mix.   BUT he want to know you will go the extra mile to sexually satisfy him and not put he own needs at the head of the line. Problem is women can only “rock his world” with lots of sexual experience slash practice. A.K.A slutting out.

    If anyone asked here on whatever this is called “men could you fall in love with a slut and would you marry a slut” with an explanation of the difference of a slut vs. a whore (prostitute)   and the men answered honestly women would be shocked and lash out with denying responses.

    1. 85.1
      hunter

      Patrick,

      ..I agree with you, however,   the truth is, more than 60% of women are unaware of bedroom techniques……..what is a man to do?…

       

      1. 85.1.1
        Patrick

        There is always a another slut…   Good thing the whatever percentage of good sluts are so slutty.. What’s a girl to do?

        1. hunter

          …not sure I understand your response….

      2. 85.1.2
        Buck25

        “…what is man to do…”

        Hunter,

        Educate them if we can, while making sure our own skills aren’t lacking, so we’re giving at least as good as we’re getting, whatever the woman’s level of bedroom expertise. Of course, there’s no educating the ones who aren’t willing to learn, but a good many are, if we’re giving them what they need…

        1. hunter

          buck25….finding the ones that can be educated is the difficult part….”if we’re giving them what they need?”…how so?…

           

        2. Buck25

          “How so?

          Hunter,

          Assuming our technique is good,   and we are patient, especially with regards to foreplay, we can usually get a woman to respond well, even if she’s not terribly knowledgeable (even about her own body). Once we get her doing that, so she’s really enjoying sex, ( you’d be amazed how many never really have before), then it’s easier to get her to communicate more openly. Once she does that, she’s usually more receptive to being taught things that enhance the experience further, for her, and for us. I hate to have to say this, but I’ve run across women who had multiple guys not really care whether the experience was good for the woman at all. Obviously that doesn’t exactly inspire a lot of confidence in the idea that a man might actually want sex to be a great experience for her. The good news is, that once she sees we actually do, and knows we aren’t judging her, she’ll often open up, verbally and physically. Doesn’t always work, but I’ve had several who went from almost clueless to really good lover in a short period of time, with a little encouragement. Bear in mind, some of these women have been told by former “lovers” that they were cold, “frigid”, etc. I remember one, who when we got to the point of getting intimate, flat told me she didn’t think she was “any good at this”; seems she had an ex-husband and two subsequent boyfriends who told her she was “a frigid bitch” because she never had orgasms. As it turned out, she was one of the most responsive women I’ve ever had, and turned out to be frequently multi-orgasmic! She didn’t know very much in the beginning, but there was nothing wrong with her; the truth was, that these three idiots hadn’t cared enough to help her get there (apparently, none of them understood the importance of foreplay, among other things).

          I won’t say there aren’t women out there who are unresponsive,   have a lot of difficulty coming to orgasm, etc., under the best of circumstances; there are. That said, a truly “frigid” (as in anorgasmic) woman is comparatively rare. ( The woman who says she’s not sure if she’s ever had an orgasm…hasn’t. Doesn’t mean she can’t, though.) Honestly, we’re more likely to find the woman someone (or several someones) mishandled before us, and find ourselves having to repair what someone else messed up.

  6. 86
    shauna

    Would if u both agreed to a mutual friends with benefits because u both aren’t looking for anything to serious but u both are very attracted to one another. If there any hopes that it can last?

    1. 86.1
      Karmic Equation

      In other words, you changed your mind and now want it to be “serious”?

      You have to let him know you changed your mind and ask him how he feels.

      If he also changed his mind and asks you IMMEDIATELY for exclusivity as soon as you tell him that, then you’re golden.

      However, if says anything along the lines of “That’s nice, let’s see how it goes.”

      Then you need to end the FWB, because that’s code for “No, but I don’t want to say no, because I still want to have sex with you until I don’t want to anymore.”

      1. 86.1.1
        shauna

        well its great right now with nothing serious for the both of us. Is there any hope later in the future that we can still be something more? I haven’t changed my mind yet I think hes a great guy but not looking for anything serious right now because of where were at right now in our lives but I would like to know that maybe one day id could lead to more

         

    2. 86.2
      hunter

      some women do this, because they think they can handle it….

       

  7. 87
    Jessica

    It’s true.   And it’s a hard lesson.   Be sure you, as a woman, have a commitment with a guy before you have sex.   (if you want to ever stand a chance at seeing him again) Otherwise, you’re just play.   Forever.

  8. 88
    Fran

    Sexual chemistry is the glue that keeps a relationship together during the tough times. Men want to know if the two of you are compatible in bed. Men can be turned off a woman by the SMELL of her, however much she scrubs herself beforehand.

    Sleeping with you is really to see if you have a powerful sexual connection. Ladies, get over yourselves already and how are you so emotionally invested with a man anyway when you barely know him??? Enjoy the sex (would you want to be with a man who’s terrible in bed anyway??? Only one way to find out how he is in the sack: by sleeping with him!) and the rest will follow or not.

    Men are freaked out generally because women are such control freaks. DON’T TRY TO CONTROL THE MAN IN YOUR LIFE who you barely know anyway! Enjoy dating and making love and CHILL OUT already!

  9. 89
    Jane doe

    I’ve seen where men say they are in a committed relationship only to find out the have a lady in every port or even in the same town ! It’s all a gamble and you have to learn to trust your instincts and listen to them cs ifnoring thrm

     

    if he’s being a flake then there is your answer. Speak and most men will tell you the truth

  10. 90
    Oluyemi

    So sorry for the victims.

    To ensure you never experience disappointment in a relationship is to ensure you never involve in it. Be it sex, made out, and the like.

    The best is to wait for sex after marriage couple with the fear of God because you are born again. Let him know. If he can not wait do not compromise. There are those guys out there who will value you and support you couple with fear of God in their out.

     

    Rules can break.

    Let God guide you.

  11. 91
    nombulelo

    Hi.

    I’ve been making a foolish choice. I’ve for years allowed myself to be nothing but a one night stand for my first boyfriend. After sleeping with me…He never calls nor picks up my calls. For 3 years the pattern has been the same…

  12. 92
    Enida

    But what if he argued about nonsenses instead if just have ONS? We’ve known for 2 years, we’ve been together once, but only a date. After that I didn’t wanted sex, he continued to write me, but rarely and not about ONS. This time he asked me for ONS and I said yes. I didn’t think that I can like him more than the first time, but anyway, that was ONS. But we started to fight for everything and he continued to call me, he even came to my home to wait me and see will I really come back with my family from holiday or I’ve been somewhere else. But he offered me a threesome because I made a scandal that I want longer sex or he shouldn’t call me.

    It was very tense, he writed me all the time and called me every day for sex, but I went only three times. I deleted him from Facebook and blocked on messenger, but now I don’t know did I did the right thing? Maybe he was only hurted from my words and jealous because of his roomate who I liked 2 years ago. Maybe he wanted to be with me…

  13. 93
    Ktia

    Men look for sex and find love.
    Women look for love and find sex.
    seriously……i thought we were way past this.
    there are people who do not have sex until they are married.
    chew on that one.
    stop the male bashing…..i have many guys/men say to me they have to have feelings for a girl before they have sex with her.   then there are the women who are emotionally unavailable during sex.   stop the generalizing.   men and women are really very much alike.

  14. 94
    Natalia Kennedy

    This is appalling. I am horrified that someone went out of their way to put this garbage on the internet to try and “help people.” MEN HAVE BRAINS. MEN ARE NOT JUST PENISES. MEN HAVE THE ABILITY TO BE GOOD PEOPLE AND NOT MANIPULATE. I beg that you DO NOT try and stick up for assholes by saying that they think with their penises. I ask that you gain respect for BOTH men and women and instead of being sexist by saying “Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex,” you start telling women that they are free to do whatever they choose, as are men, and if a man leads you to believe he is interested in you but doesn’t call, he isn’t worth wasting your phone minutes over anyway. Or many you could stop giving advice altogether considering you obviously have no idea what you’re talking about.

    1. 94.1
      Evan Marc Katz

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