How You Can Transform Your Man on a First Date

If you find that your dates consistently don’t go well, the easy thing to do is say, “He wasn’t the right guy.” However, it’s much more powerful for you to look in the mirror and say, “How could I have made tonight go better?”

I can already hear you sigh:

“But I don’t WANT to make my first dates better. If a guy is nervous around me, that says something about him. I want a man who is confident, who is completely comfortable in his own skin, and can make the best of every situation.”


Now imagine a time that you were in the presence of a jaw-droppingly hot guy. He’s tall, gorgeous, rich, charismatic – and utterly oblivious to you as a romantic partner.

If you find that your dates consistently don’t go well, the easy thing to do is say, “He wasn’t the right guy.”

Do you feel confident?

Do you feel secure?

Do you speak profusely?

Do you clam up?

Whatever your answer, I’m pretty sure that there are some men whose mere presence totally messes you up.

Suddenly, you’re not acting like yourself.

Suddenly, you’re acting like a skittish schoolgirl with her first crush on a boy.

There are awkward silences. There is nervous laughter. There is stilted conversation.

But most of all, there is no chance for another date.

So if you’ve blown an opportunity with a hot guy because you weren’t able to act at your best, wouldn’t it stand to reason that there’s a great guy out there who wasn’t on the top of his game on your first date?

Damn right.

It also stands to reason that when you show up 10 minutes late, text on your cell phone, look over his shoulder, lean back with your arms crossed, don’t seem interested in his stories, interrogate him about his past, grill him on his beliefs, and dissect every single thing that you don’t like about him… that it may be hard for a man to have true confidence and poise in your presence.

Your takeaway from this short blog post is this:

Instead of seeing dating as a time-consuming, soul-sucking enterprise, where you have to figure out in an hour whether he’s a good husband and father and great in bed, try seeing it more like you’re entertaining a client and want to win his business.

Smile. Laugh. Go with the flow. Ignore his flaws. Do everything in your power to make the limited amount of time you have together into a fun experience.

Because if you’re having fun, he’s having fun.

If you’re easygoing and relaxed, he’ll be easygoing and relaxed.

But you can’t blame men for being bad dates if you’re not doing anything in your power to try to make their job easier.

As I wrote in Why He Disappeared, he’s putting on a show for you; the least you can do is applaud.

What you’ll quickly find is that the men you go out with are suddenly more confident, playful, and attractive, all because YOU decided to make them feel special.

It’s pretty magical when you can do this – on a first date and beyond.

Be a better woman and you will bring out a better side in your man.

Join our conversation (79 Comments).
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  1. 61


    I know it has been said but LET IT GO!.  If you had gotten two dates, you might have found the deal breaker and walked.  But because of the intriguing first date and nothing else, she has become this mystery of what might have been great.  The only person who knows why she seemed to lose interest is her.   

    But she has her flaws.  And the biggest thing I think is Why waste time thinking about someone who wasn’t interested in you?  There will be others who are interested.    

    1. 61.1

      It’s just human nature to want what we can’t have.

  2. 62

    Sorry if that sounded mean.  I have been where you are, thinking about some guy who we had a great date or even two and then he isn’t interested and I’m left wondering why. The truth is – it doesn’t matter why.   It’s just time to move on.

  3. 63

    I know I know.  I’m under no false pretense that she was my match or anything because if she was I would expect I’d still be seeing her.  I just seem to be caught in a catch 22 right now.  I would like to date someone else but she has seemed to set the bar pretty high and I haven’t found anyone since that I have found interesting enough to date (at least that will write back to me) so it’s just kind of forces me to think about the last one.

    It’s not easy for a guy to stand out.  If I were able to go online and just meet someone interesting right away then I would have forgotten about this a long time ago.  I’m in the same position most guys are in online; I get e-mails fromn the ones I’m not interested in and get ignored by the ones I do find interesting (except every now and then when one actually writes back and follows through).

    1. 63.1

      She didn’t raise the bar.
      You really don’t want someone who doesn’t want you back.
      I think the first criteria for a second date is that they want it, too. 

  4. 64
    Tao Of Badass

    I 100% agree. Why waste your time with someone who is too much of a coward to truly state their intent. If you don’t enjoy my company then let me know. I will have more respect for that person for speaking the truth.

  5. 65

    @67 – imagine the situation when you meet someone and conversation goes  in light manner, nice, polite, wine, dine and then one of you stands up from the chair and states, that  “oh well, l actually feel like l should go home, because l dont enjoy your compnay that much.”

    In real life, not gonna happen,  because most of us still try to maintain decent politeness or just enjoy the moment. That is why most of the guys (and girls) get “lost” after a promising a nice date, which may lead an impression that there could be more.  

    Having said all that, l am not actually arguing you, instead l second you full time.

    The real truth is that there could be gazillion reasons, why someone don´t want someone, and figuring THAT out is a lot work, because we never get the answer and most probably the answer is just as simple –  l don´t simply like you THAT much and there is nothing you can do about it –
    Time to move on EVEN if your heart/mind and soul does not cooperate at that point but right desicions aren´t ment to be as easy at the beginning.

  6. 66

    Ria 67,

    I agree.  I’ve charmed woman who I had no intention of seeing again because, well, it’s the right thing to do in the moment.

    The only thing that has made this one tougher to swallow than others (other than the fact that I found her to be georgeous) is that she was much more flirty throughout and kissed me.  Again I’m no prude and I understand that sometimes woman kiss to test chemistry (I find that ridiculous but I’m not a woman), but in my dating experience, which is a fair amount, virtually every date that resulted in a kiss guaranteed I was getting a second.  But I guess I just ran into one that didn’t put as much weight into the kiss as I did, simple as that.

    In the end my ego is in fact bruised but I don’t feel THAT bad as she indicated in sum and substance that she has found a lot of guys uninteresting.  I kind of met the female version of me.

    Interestingly, I had a friend over the other night and he joked if I was still worked up “over that chick from a couple of months ago?”  Little did he know…anyways, he saw her Match picture and while he thought she was attractive, he did not find her hot at all.  Here I am putting her on a pedestal and he’s just not that into her…

  7. 67

    OK, this will be final comment on this thread.
    lm giggleing on the inside re: your friend, H. Im sure he finds her attractive (should he meet her in person) and saying that he is not that into her (without meeting her in person) is probably not 100% objective.
    However, on the other hand it should show the example, that what one might find attractive, another might not, which should be also a proof, that there is still light in the end of tunnel to meet new people (and be surprised in a positive way).

    Have you seen a movie 500 days of Summer? Watch it, if not.

    (Women test to see if there is a chemistry?? We don´t need to test it, if it is there:) 

    Good weekend.    

  8. 68

    I’ve never had to kiss someone as a “test” to see if there is chemistry, although maybe people who are big flirts do that. To me, you kiss someone because you feel already attracted to them. But a really bad kisser can affect the attraction I’m feeling in a negative way. 

  9. 69

    @69 Before online dating every time someone kissed me on a date it meant we went on a second date.  I didn’t date as frequently back then and perhaps they didn’t either.  We usually had some sort of build up, i.e. friends set us up or we met in a bar.  Post online dating world, I have been kissed by several guys that I never heard from again.  Maybe they got caught up in the moment, maybe they thought I was hot, but not their type in other ways who knows.  Generally I do not kiss someone I don’t plan on seeing again.  I have kissed someone once because I hadn’t been on a date in awhile and I was just excited that it was a normal fun date.  However, later feeling much more sober I recalled the details of the date and knew he wasn’t really my type.  I also have kissed a really nice guy once because I wanted to like him.  He was great in many ways, but I didn’t feel an attraction and thought okay if he goes for it I’ll kiss him back you never know.  I didn’t enjoy it.  So it happens.  But I never kiss someone if I definitely don’t want to and definitely think I never want to see them again.  By the way I am the kind of person who will drink out of my dates glass.  That doesn’t mean I’m totally into them.  It just means I’m comfortable with them at that moment.

  10. 70

    So here’s the thing people don’t intimidate me, so I could be on a date with Brad Pitt and I would not act nervous.  I’m a hardened litigator and even if by chance someone did I am so trained to not let it show.  But lots of guys act shy and awkward with me on first dates and if I like the guy overall it’s cute not a turn off at all.   But the guys that usually act like this are ones that look nothing like their pictures, lie about their height, weight and age and my pics are spot on.  So they get very nervous.  The reason they don’t get second dates is cause they lied not because they were nervous just a thought.

  11. 71

    Thank you for writing this article. Now I know how to be better on dates. As a woman, I have the power to make the guy feel at ease, just simply enjoy him and have a good time. I’ll think that when I’m having fun, he’s also having fun. Thanks!!

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