I Am a Nice Guy With Little Dating Experience. How Do I Get a Woman to Go Out With Me?

I Am a Nice Guy With Little Dating Experience. How Do I Get a Woman to Go Out With Me

Good Morning Evan,

I have a bit of a dilemma. I am almost 21 years old and I have only dated one woman in my life and I dated her for 4 years. She broke up with me in the summer of 2006. I’ve asked out several women since then, and they all rejected me. Just a few months ago I moved to Florida, and I’ve asked out two women and they both said no to me, too. I think I must be cursed. I feel scared to ask out any other women for fear of being rejected. The worst thing about this is that the last woman told me to never change who I am because I gave her a rose for New Year’s Eve. She said a man had not done that for her in a long time. But if she won’t go out with me, how can I be myself? In a way, I have an identity and a dating crisis.

I heard you were an expert, so how do I get a woman to go out with me?


Nice guys rarely do well with women, but it’s not BECAUSE they’re nice. It’s because they have no confidence.

Dear Alex,

Your crisis isn’t an identity crisis or dating crisis; it’s a confidence and perception crisis.

Your sample size of experience is so small that you’ve turned every tiny setback into a disproportionately large failure. This is impacting your perception of the world to view yourself through a prism in which you are “cursed”, “scared”, “rejected” and afraid all in one paragraph.

So let’s shake you out of this funk and set your record straight.

(This goes for any other reader – male or female – who has ever felt a lack of confidence in his/her ability to date. Dating failures are almost ALWAYS perception and confidence problems and not real problems.)

Okay, Alex. Your question says it all: “How do I get a woman to go out with me?”

The answer is: “You don’t. You become the man that she wants to go out with.”

It may sound like wordplay, but I assure you, it’s not. Our job as human beings is not to make anybody do anything. Every email I receive that says, “How do I make a man want to commit to me?” misses the point. You can’t make a man do anything. All you can do is be the kind of woman that makes a man never want to never leave. The focus is on who you are, not on how you want him to act.

Same for you, my rose-giving friend.

You’re a nice guy. Nice guys rarely do well with women, but it’s not BECAUSE they’re nice. It’s because they have no confidence. They don’t inspire, they ask permission. They don’t lead, they follow. They don’t trust their judgment, they want to see if their judgment is okay with their girlfriend. And they certainly don’t believe that they’re good enough to get any woman interested in them – they just feel fortunate to be in the conversation at all. In short, nice guys have to grow a set of balls.

This isn’t my opinion. This is me, as a dating coach, translating what I’ve heard from thousands of women. They don’t like bad boys BECAUSE they treat them poorly – they like them IN SPITE of it. Why? Because bad boys inspire, excite, lead and generally appear to have things all under control.

Seriously, bro, you’ve asked out TWO women in Florida who weren’t interested – and now you’re afraid you’re cursed?

Women want to be equals with men; they don’t want to be able to control us. The second they can control you, Alex, they’ve lost all respect for you.

I’m guessing that you’re sending out a pretty strong signal to women that they can control you. This is something that feeds on itself and has led you to this crisis of confidence. Seriously, bro, you’ve asked out TWO women in Florida who weren’t interested – and now you’re afraid you’re cursed?

By extension, a baseball player who hasn’t gotten a hit in his first two at-bats must fear he’ll never get a hit again. An oncologist who has lost two patients to cancer must consider hanging up his scrubs. And someone who is unemployed and sent out two resumes without a response should pretty much resign himself to a lifetime of unemployment.

This is what I mean by your lack of perspective.

I’m not making fun of you – not at all! I’m a guy who had to ask out three people before he got a prom date; a guy who didn’t lose his virginity until his sophomore year in college; a guy who didn’t have a relationship over a year until he got married. This stuff doesn’t come naturally to lots of folks, which is precisely why I still have a job. And I am living proof that you can learn – with considerable practice – how to understand the opposite sex. Your problem is that you are more focused on having the opposite sex understand you.

This is very common (especially for women, who should reread that last sentence.)

Instead of hoping that the opposite sex suddenly starts appreciating you, your focus should be on understanding what the opposite sex finds attractive and making small steps to becoming that person.

A nice guy can still be nice and do well with women.

A strong woman can still be strong and do well with men.

But something fundamentally has to change in your attitude, Alex, in order to make a breakthrough.

For the sake of brevity, I’d recommend three things:

1) Drop the idea that you’re a failure. Nobody wants to buy a car from a salesman who doesn’t believe in his own product. Your insecurity and negativity and fear is all over you.

2) Find a few guy friends who are good with women. Hang around them. Take mental notes. I remember the first time I did this and realized that my friend – the rush chair of his fraternity – was so great with girls simply because he didn’t hit on any of them. He was like the mayor of the party – getting everyone drinks, dancing with everyone, making everyone laugh. He was so NOT concerned with what anyone thought because it was HIS place; he could do no wrong. Make the world your place, Alex, and women are going to want to hang out there.

3) Get used to failure. Thomas Edison tried 10,000 different ways before inventing the light bulb. Maybe he should have just stopped at 2 because he was “cursed”. Every successful person has failed at something. Most of us have failed a lot more than that.

And if you’re reading this and saying to yourself, “This makes sense, but HOW do I make these changes to develop more confidence and perspective?”, click here to learn more about my coaching. You’re probably a lot closer to success than you even realize. You just need a little push.

Good luck.

Join our conversation (63 Comments).
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  1. 32

    Re: #30

    What would be the preferred method of rejection? Guys?

  2. 33
    Karl R

    mic asked: (#30)
    “Karl, your world of difference – how much more success with women (numbers, please)”

    I’ll break this down into the past 3 years, and the previous 10 years. During the previous 10 years, I had two exclusive relationships (5 and 6 months long). I had 1 or 2 dates with other women (maybe 10 women total, possibly fewer). I was basically waiting for relationships to “just happen”. That’s about as successful waiting for a good job to “just happen”.

    In the past 3 years I’ve had two relationships that were longer than six months. I’ve had 4 more that lasted 1-5 months. And there were at least a dozen ladies that I went on 1-3 dates with.

    “with presumably little change in appearance?”

    There’s been very little change during that time. Admittedly, that’s a strong advantage to me. Many of my peers are getting flabby, bald and wrinkled.

    You don’t need to take my word about my appearance. My profile on match.com is currently visible. Just do a search for Yoga_Class_Clown.

    “because appearance’s importance probably varies according to age, you and the women in question are how old?”

    I’m 39. The women (in the last 3 years) have ranged from 11 years younger to 9 years older. The oldest lady (48) may have been the most picky about appearance; she was certainly the most vocal about it. In her words: “I put a lot of effort into staying in shape. I expect my dates to also.”

    Selena asked: (#32)
    “What would be the preferred method of rejection?”

    Anything that’s polite and honest.
    Example: “I’m sorry, but I’m not interested.”

  3. 34

    What would be the preferred method of rejection? Guys?
    We will tell you as soon as one of you people ask one of us out.

  4. 35

    Hence, the prevalence of many older, single women today in this era where cheating the clock is much easier. There don’t seem to be many older, heterosexual men who make that level of effort – and hair loss seems to sabotage all else. Thanks for the detailed reply.

  5. 36
    David Gideon

    Alex, these four things will move you in the right direction…

    1. Purpose:

    Discover what your purpose is in life is and start pursuing it. Women like a man with clarity, goals, and who has his life together.

    2.Be social

    Start interacting with EVERYONE who crosses your path. You might be coming across as nervous or awkward when you approach women so the only way to overcome it is to practice your social skills until you get comfortable meeting new people.

    3.Be persistent.

    Don’t give up just because a girl isn’t showing interest initially or because the last girl said no. Keep approaching the girls you want to meet and displaying your personality until they see something they like.

    4.Stay positive

    Just being positive can turn many situations around. That means not getting mad at girls or getting all dejected when things don’t go as planned. Correct course and keep sailing with a smile on your face.

    David Gideon

    David Gideon´s last blog post…Mystery Method Documentary

  6. 37

    I would guess that you are asking for too big a commitment (a date) too fast. This discussion applies to American women only (sorry it’s so long):

    1. Fact: Women are conditioned to say “no.” From the time we are old enough to understand that boys and girls are different, everyone in society is telling us that “Men only want one thing” and it is our job as ‘good girls’ to make sure they don’t get it. So, the first rule is not to take “no” personally. It’s a knee-jerk reaction, not necessarily her. And the mere fact that she’s aware she’s conditioned (which most of them don’t) won’t stop it from happening.

    1a. If you want a woman to say “yes,” you have to get past fact number one. You do this by making it simple (or simpler) to say “yes.” Now, this doesn’t mean set her up to give a yes answer, because she’s had experience dodging that since high school, and it marks you as an amateur.

    1b. Phrasing is important. A woman will not say yes if you ask in a self-effacing way. NEVER make it easier to say no, because she’s already conditioned. “You wouldn’t want to go out on a date with me, would you?” is SURE to get you a turn down. Instead, say, “I am [activity] at [place] on [day] [morning/afternoon/evening]. Would you [like to] come with me?” So: “I am going hiking at the park on Saturday afternoon. Would you like to come with me?” It’s clear, it’s to the point, it’s specific, it shows planning, it’s non-threatening (it’s not dinner), and (theoretically) it’s something she’d like to do (see below).

    1c. A woman will say yes to smaller things rather than big things. So when speaking to women you’ve never met (say, at a bar or shopping center) don’t make it your aim to get a date, make it your aim to get her email addy (if young) or phone number (if older). Or make it your aim to find out when she will next be at that location, or if she’s going to see a certain band on Friday and make arrangments to “meet up.” This is NOT a date, it’s a non-threatening way for her to size you up.

    2. Which leads us to fact two: The greatest fear that women have, by far, is that they will be killed or hurt by a man. And when women are hurt or killed, more than 2/3s of the time it is by a male they know intimately or who wants to be intimate with them. By comparison, the greatest fear a man has is that he will be laughed at by a woman. Hmmmm.

    2a. Keeping your aim in mind, which is getting the woman to say yes, you need to reduce this fear of danger to a reasonable level. Strangers are scary. We learn that in kindergarten. A few pointers: don’t EVER loom over a woman. Particularly small ones. You will not come across as warm and cuddly, but threatening. Stay out of the personal space of women you don’t know well. Never try to break the touch barrier on first acquaintance, beyond a handshake if offered. If there is a woman you particularly want to meet, an introduction helps, especially if she is older.

    2b. Familiarity breeds comfort, and comfort is more likely to lead to a “yes.” But not too much familiarity, as that tends to lead to a younger woman seeing you as a “friend” which is not going to get you a date. With older women, particularly much older women, if you want to date them, you will probably have to get past the idea that you are too young for them, which requires more familiarity first. You probably should break the touch barrier with an older woman *before* you ask her out, but I’m thinking that’s still 4 weeks work unless you know she goes out with men your age. It should go without saying that stalking is a huge no-no.

    2c. Show concern for her safety. ALWAYS walk her to her car if it’s dark. If you take her home for any reason (even non-date related), ALWAYS walk her to her door. (which is not to say you get a good night kiss). Don’t overdo this or make a big deal of it. If she says, “You don’t have to do that.” reply with “My mother would kill me if I let you walk to your car alone.” or “If my father ever found out I didn’t see a woman all the way to her door, he’d disown me.” Make it about manners, not “the weakness of women.”

    3. Fact three: appearance matters. Yes it does. Anyone who says different lies or is ignorant to point of disbelief. Appearance always matters. Women are, like men, attracted to certain “types” and if you aren’t that type, you’re going to have difficulty. However, on acquaintance, that difficulty can be overcome, sometimes.

    3a. The corrollary to this is, appearance isn’t all about “physical looks”, at least with women. Women are interested in cleanliness, smell, put-together-ness, carriage, etc., more than men. Men are more about breasts and legs, women are much more concerned about hygiene. Really, if under your nails is dirty, where have you been? Don’t even think about touching me. Get over it and get with it.

    4. This is a point, not a fact. Women are entitled to know they are on a date. Don’t try to trap them by, for example, saying “A group of us are going to eat steak on Friday night” and then it turns out to be a bunch of couples and you’re putting your arm around her and acting like a date. You might get through the evening, but it won’t happen twice. Always make sure the woman knows that it’s a date (if it is).

    5. If you don’t know what kind of date to ask her on, you don’t know her well enough to ask her on a date. This is related to point 1b above.

    5a. When planning to ask a woman on a first date (and you do plan, right?), you need to think of an activity that she would like to do, that you won’t fall asleep doing, that allows for talking (since the first date is supposed to be about determining compatibility), and that is non-threatening. This makes Saturday day and Sunday afternoon ideal for first dates.

    Restaurants, movies, and live music venues are lousy for first dates. a) they’re pricey, b) they require the woman to dress up, which she might not be inclined to do for you yet (leading to a “no”), c) they might be too noisy, and most importantly, d) they don’t allow for conversation. Another problem, particularly if you are asking out a woman who dates a lot, is that restaurants and movies particularly are not very inventive as a date venue. Plus, she might want to take her own car if she doesn’t know you well, and most women don’t like walking into restaurants, movies, or live music alone, especially from a dark parking lot. And, movies have the added disadvantage of being threatening: are you going to try to put your arm around her on the first date? If she’s fretting about that, she won’t relax and have a good time (which is the goal of first date, if she likes the time she spends with you, she’ll go on a second date).

    5b. Flying kites in the park, a museum exhibit, a walking tour of the city, a car show, the city aquarium, whatever. Find something that would (or might) interest her, that is not too expensive (or free), and that allows both of you to size the other up, preferably something you have in common. The reason I mention not too expensive is because we all know that you need to go on a lot of first dates to get a second, and expensive will bust you in a hurry. Something a little physical is “interesting,” but too physical will turn off many women, and has the added disadvantage of reducing conversation. In the same vein, don’t go somewhere with a lot of crowds (like an amusement park, fair, etc).

    5c. Pick something that allows casual clothing. First dates break women financially too. If she knows she’s going somewhere that she can wear jeans and practical shoes, she can concentrate on you, rather than her wardrobe and possible malfunctions thereof. “What to wear” is always a problem for women, again your job is to make saying yes easy. If she has to change six times to find the right clothes, it might be too much work.

  7. 38

    Hope this Helps:

    You have made some very valid points- but I have to admit, I’m a woman, and if I were a man reading this very very long and demanding list (assuming I’d made it to the end)- I’d think there’s no point to dating someone if you’d have to walk on eggshells around them. And in your post, you make it seem as though women are the eggshells themselves. I hardly see how that would make things easier between genders.

    And some of the suggestions depend on the woman: for example, you say live music venues are not first date ideas. Well- I saw Patti Smith in the park twice in the past few years- I went with my girlfriends, but if a guy had asked me, I would have gone with him in a minute (not saying that I would have had dumped my girls for a guy, but just saying the live music thing works for me).

    You also say, “The greatest fear that women have is that they will be hurt or killed by a man.” Yes- there are precautions I take to make sure I’m safe. This is NOT my ‘greatest fear.’ I don’t know if this is how you meant to come across- but you make it seem as though all women are living in constant fear of men- and that their main goal is to avoid men.

    Yes, violence against women is a serious problem- always has been. But does that mean I see ‘every’ man as a potential threat? No. But in this post, you make it sound as though women are just a bunch of helpless, scare, PICKY rabbits and the men are the big bad wolves always out to get them. Personally, if I were a man, I’d be put off- especially in this age of increasing balance between the genders.

  8. 39

    It does help. That women worry about getting dressed up is interesting, but to make a spark likely, both people on a date should be dressed to entice. Whether it’s form-fitting for a sporty activity or dressed up for a quality restaurant. Alex’s problem obviously is not that, but maybe something about his style from the start. Presumably not scary or filthy, but maybe too ‘student’ or sloppy, probably with a dose of submissive body language. There could be much more to it, but that would require speculating outside the area of expertise.

  9. 40

    hopethishelps, if I gave a guy my number, I’d prefer he ask me out. It tells me he’s willing to take the time to get to know me and plan accordingly. Otherwise it tells me he’s not willing to go out of his way for me. Or he’s not interested or ready for a relationship.

    Also, if I were at a concert w my friends, for example, I’d want to hang out with my friends.

    Woman like it when a guy goes out of his way for her, it makes her feel special and makes him seem more attractive in her eyes. This doesn’t mean stalking her or bringing her roses on the first date. It can be as simple as calling her up (at a reasonable hour in the evening), saying how you enjoyed meeting her, chatting a bit, and – unless you’re hearing any red flags from her (like if she says her ex husband was just released from prison after serving time for murdering her last boyfriend), ask if she’d like to go out sometime, how’s this weekend.

    A decent woman should be able to appreciate a little chivalry. If she doesn’t respond, then move on, go back to step 1 and find a gal who does.

  10. 41

    1. I don’t think this post is “demanding.” It is specific. But I think it’s what successful male daters do unconciously. The more experience a male has dating, the more likely he has internalized these behaviors, and doesn’t even realize he does it. That is, I think that most successful male daters (which I define as several new dates every couple of months) do all of these things and more, but they wouldn’t be able to point to each behavior because it’s so internalized they don’t even know they do it.

    2. I don’t think women, as a group, are “fearful.” What we are, is more cautious. That’s genetic, it’s a survival response, and I’m the first one to say that most women don’t even recognize it as being there. But, if an inexperienced dating male doesn’t adequately compensate for the natural response, he’ll have a lot less luck dating. I think most males learn this by the time they are twenty (mostly by accident) but if you are not having good dating luck, this could be the problem. I’m not saying he’s intentionally coming on too strong, I’m saying he could be giving out inappropriate signals due to inexperience (for example, many men do not realize that the space above a woman’s head is generally part of her personal space, because men don’t generally have to worry about people above their heads). It’s not that the woman is “afraid” per se, it’s that something he’s doing makes her uncomfortable, and women who are uncomfortable are going to say no.

    3. Concerning the dating venue (for a first date). The point of a first date (IMVHO) is to see if you like a person well enough to go out with them again (and vice versa). While a person may have a good time at a concert, how does having a good time at a concert improve your knowledge of the other person and whether you would like to go out with them again?

    4. Concerning dressing up–I’m saying that dressing up can be a pain, and sometimes a woman will turn you down because she doesn’t feel like committing that much time (for whatever reason, only one of which is she isn’t interested in you personally). My point was to reduce the number of obstacles to a “yes” answer. Casual dress can be just as “enticing” as dress-up clothes, should you so choose.

    5. And finally, if I give a guy my number, I expect that he will ask me out if he calls (and that’s my preference as well). I think that’s the preference of most women (else why did you ask, and why did I give it?). I may not have made that clear. However, it really sounds like this guy is either approaching women he already knows, or is asking for a date instead of a phone number. Perhaps I read too much into it.

    I do think that asking a woman out that you chat up in a bar or grocery store (even if she gave you her phone number) is much more advanced than asking out someone whom you know a little bit about and can tailor the experience to. People don’t think about the fact that most of their early dates are with people from their high school or other nearby high schools–you have things in common if only teachers and detention, and you usually know who they are or you can ask around about them. You practice on people who are also inexperienced (or forgiving) and who can ask around about you. Women can be very unforgiving of what they see as a “juvenile” mistake. This guy may be a little late out of the gate, and may not yet be up to the advanced moves that someone who’s been dating regularly since 9th grade can do.

    “meeting up” with someone (if you can’t or don’t want to ask for a phone number on first acquaintance) doesn’t have to be “stalker” behavior (“Oh, I’m going to be there to, maybe we’ll see each other” and then a *short* interlude), but does permit increased familiarity (which decreases his anxiety too, by the way). Then you ask for the phone number.

  11. 42
    Karl R

    hopethishelps said: (#41)
    “I think that most successful male daters (which I define as several new dates every couple of months) do all of these things and more, but they wouldn’t be able to point to each behavior because it’s so internalized they don’t even know they do it.”

    I would say that these behaviors may be internalized, but they’re also situational. And I also think through some of your points differently than you do.

    If I want to ask a woman on a date to do something fun and unusual, I’ll need to do some internet research. Therefore I want to ask her for a phone number or e-mail address, so I can do my research and have a plan before calling her.

    Like most rules, a lot of yours can be broken. A few examples:
    1) Hygiene is important, but I once met a woman when I stopped for coffee on my way home from 3 hours of yoga. I left with her business card, an excuse to contact her, and a request from her that we “get together for coffee sometime.”
    2) I meet most women through social dancing, where I can expect to break the “touch barrier” immediately.
    3) A woman my age has a complete wardrobe, and doesn’t need to buy new clothes just for a date. However, I will frequently comment on how dressy a venue will be (and what I planning to wear), just to make it easier for her to decide what to wear.
    4) You can circumvent most familiarity/safety issues if someone the lady knows and trusts feels safe with you.

    For an inexperienced dater, I would simply recommend that they read as much dating advice as possible, and do everything that makes sense.

    1. 42.1


      You’ve mentioned dancing as a way to meet women in several of your post. I like most men don’t dance well. Most of us men don’t want to look stupid. I’ve been thinking of taking dancing lessons. Do you think it’s a good idea? and if yes what kind of dance?

      1. 42.1.1
        Karl R

        mjdavid said:
        “I like most men don’t dance well.”

        I didn’t either. If you have a sense of rhythm (about 10% of people don’t), you can learn to dance well. The big difference between someone who is a “natural” (which fortunately I am) and someone who is not is only the time and effort that it takes to achieve the same results.

        One of my friends is not a natural. It takes him about 3 to 4 times as long to learn as I do. Five days ago he and another friend won a citywide swing dance competition.

        “Most of us men don’t want to look stupid.”

        Neither do I. But if you stop worrying about it, you’ll be able to learn to dance faster.

        “I’ve been thinking of taking dancing lessons. Do you think it’s a good idea?”

        If you’re interested in learning to dance, absolutely.

        If you’re solely interested in meeting women, you might pick a hobby that you’ll enjoy more.

        One of my instructors (who is a national/international dance champion) said there were five things you needed in order to learn to dance well:
        1) group lessons
        2) practice
        3) private lessons
        4) practice
        5) practice
        And you can skip either the group lessons or the private lessons. (I’ve never taken a private lesson.)

        “if yes what kind of dance?”

        Start with style that’s easy to learn.
        East coast swing, foxtrot, polka, salsa, Texas two-step, etc.

        What kind of dancing is popular in your area?
        i.e. Texas two-step is not popular in Australia. Find something where you can go out and practice/dance on a regular basis.

        What kind of music do you like?
        If you prefer fast, up-tempo music, then foxtrot might not be the best choice.

        Find a local source of information
        If you’re in Houston, I can provide specifics. Otherwise, you’ll want someone who knows your city much better.

        If you know someone who dances regularly (and takes lessons, etc.), they will be able to provide insight into the local dance scene.

        If you’re ever out and see someone doing any type of partner dancing (and doing it exceptionally well), just go up and ask them where they learned, where they go to dance, etc. That’s how I initially found the studio I’m at. And I’ve answered the same questions dozens of times when out dancing.

        Dance studios can also answer some of these questions (where to go practice, what’s easy to learn). If they can’t answer these questions, it’s a sign that they don’t know what they’re doing.

  12. 43


  13. 44

    Damn guy, you launched on this poor dude like Mussolini from the mezzanine. The guy is young with limited experience… that pretty much sums up his problem. He doesn’t have an inferiority complex or a gonadal deficiency or a subconscious attachment to his mother. The man just needs to get out more. Brevity and simplicity are the hallmarks to all the best things in life, blog posts included.

    1. 44.1


  14. 45
    stephen mosher

    my name is stephen mosher, and I have asked lots of women out and  and am sort of a bad boy at times but over all a nice guy the thing is that I have asked women out for years and all have said no I dont understand,  I tryed every thing you can think of and sadly enough Im afraid  that as good as a coach as you are, their are some of us that will be doomed to walk the earth alone forever. and never know what it is like too know love.

  15. 46

    Stephen #48: Well stated; I know the feeling.

  16. 47

    Evan said:
    “In short, nice guys have to grow a set of balls.”
    That’s all well and good. But when the next man-hating feminazi kicks the guy right into those newly grown balls, then what???

    1. 47.1

      There are man loving anti-feminazis out there. Just don’t date a feminazi. 😉

  17. 48

    One thing you have to keep in mind, something that not surprisingly, nobody else has mentioned because it is SO politically incorrect, is most women are disgusted and turned off by older male virgins. It isn’t something they can always verbalize, but nearly all of them feel this way deep down inside. So be sure to hide this fact from them. If you are asked directly, lie. Don’t argue with me, you need to lie to them. Once you have slept with several girls, you can then tell the truth. But don’t tell the truth before then. More often than not, if a girl hears this, she will leave immediately. It is almost like telling her you have an incurable STD but FAR worse.

    1. 48.1

      That is not true at all. As a woman, I actually prefer someone with little baggage. If a woman has a problem with that, then that person is just not for you. I’ve dated in and out for a couple of years, and something that is REALLY important to me is to wait a while before I actually sleep with someone. Why? Because the first person I did it with, I didn’t get to know him well enough before doing it, and after a year, we broke up. it left me devastated and hurt. Lesson learned for me. You know what? A lot of men didn’t call back after that first date, because I wouldn’t sleep with them. Or they would insult me and belittle me for trying to do such a thing. People have told me I’m crazy. But it’s what I want. I want to get to know someone well before I go to bed with them. And now, I’ve met someone who respects my idea, he supports it, because he also wants something special. So, in a nutshell, there’s someone out there who will embrace who you are, even if you’re a 40 year old virgin or whatever.

      1. 48.1.1

        Look Nathalie, I am sure you are a nice person and mean well. You are right to feel the way you do and to not jump into bed on the first date. Nobody should ridicule you for this. It is good that you found a man that respects and treasures you. That is great.

        Now having said that, when I was an older male virgin, years ago, I just never ran into a woman that accepted this or was willing to deal with this. I am not saying that there was no woman nowhere who would be OK with this. I am simply saying that the overwhelming number of women didn’t. I personally never found a woman that did. That is my own experience and the experience of countless men who were in the same position. Please don’t misunderstand the tone of my comment, I am not anger or bitter at all. It is just a fact of life. Like men have total turn off deal breakers with women, women have total turn off dealbreakers when it comes to men. And whatever deal breakers a person has are OK. And having said that, women overwhelmingly consider men with relatively little dating experience / virgins a total and utter turn off. Perhaps you don’t, but out of all my female friends and all their friends, perhaps one or two don’t and they are already in relationships.

  18. 49

    I’m always amused by the suggestion to “not take it personally” when somebody rejects you. How could you NOT take it personally? A person rejecting you is basically saying you’re not good enough for them to spend their time with. That hurts and I don’t see how anybody could not take it personally.

    1. 49.1

      Because at the end of the day, that person doesn’t realize what they’re passing on. Just move on. Do not let rejection get to you. Everyone suffers through rejection. But part of having confidence is knowing who you are, loving yourself so that if you are rejected, you can brush it off and say “NEXT”. Don’t let rejection hurt you. It’s not you.

  19. 50

    Mikesommers 14 – 49

    That was fascinating reading.  Maybe  in answer to “A person rejecting you is basically saying you’re not good enough for them to spend their time with” you could try this .

    You are maybe a really good guy and will make someone happy.  For this or that reason (nothing PERSONAL) I know that we will not make a good couple.

    Two men in my life whom I dated.  Both of them were extremely successful in their professional and social lives.  Both of them suffered from, wait for it, shyness, despite being in the public arena on a massive scale.

    They were both incredibly attractive, intellectual, well groomed, etc.  True Super Alpha males.  High achievers – high salaries.

    Why I did not wish to continue the relationship with either of them? They had an extremely high profile lifestyle (as in cameras flashing, constant television exposure, interviews etc.) and I would have been part of this.  I would not have coped and told them this.

    One of them did take my remark very personally and sulked for ages.  The other remained polite and distinguished.

    Out of the two of them, the one whom I regretted the most was the one who remained polite and distinguished and if life threw me in his pathway again, I would still be able to go up to him and say, “hey.  You’re still a great guy”.

  20. 51

    As a woman, your advice is SPOT ON. Guys think that being nice is the reason they’re being dumped. No, it’s not. And actually, most guys that say they’re nice really aren’t, and that’s also why they get dumped. Women do actually want a nice guy. I will always go for the guy who treats me well and forgo the hot bad boy, because I do not care for the baggage. But the guys I’ve dated have usually been guys that aside from being nice have confidence, they know what they want, and they take the lead. I’ll make decisions with you, I’m cool with that, but I do not like guys that cannot take that lead and be the hero that I’d like them to be. Also, having vision for your life is so important. Women dig men who have vision.

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