I Don’t Want To Be A Cougar; I Want A Relationship With A Younger Man!

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Firstly, thanks for all your advice and wisdom and your massively entertaining style. I’m learning fast but still have a problem… I’m in my late 40’s, separated last year (relief), successful, and have an awesome life. I’m highly attractive, hot even!, fit, fun, feminine and not clingy. I’m a really good catch!! I have no trouble attracting men of all ages. The problem is: I am not attracted to men my own age. I love guys who are around the 30 year old mark. Yes, playing with fire I know!! Unfortunately, it seems, single guys my own age either cannot match my physical energy and sheer enthusiasm for life or they are taken already! Many of them are lonely, often damaged by failed relationships and looking for someone to share a latte with on a Sunday morning for the next 40 years… This is not what I want at this point in my life.

I find younger guys so much more fun and attracting them is easy, both online and off. But it’s difficult finding something deep and long lasting as I know these guys are usually hard wired to find ‘the one’ eventually. And– in most cases–that is not going to be with a woman who is pretty well past childbearing age… Bummer for me!

So do you think it is possible to have a passionate relationship of integrity (by that I mean more than just a romp) when there is a big age difference? I want more than the cougar/toy boy experience. It would be a cliche to write this off as midlife crisis, although I understand you could reach this conclusion. I am an exceptionally vibrant and youthful person for my age and I have a lot of close younger friends, but I really don’t know where to look to find my truly compatible match… Is he actually out there I wonder??

AM

Dear AM,

Thanks for your letter and kind words. I try to be honest first, entertaining second, and nice third, so I’m glad to hear that I’m coming close to my intended goal.

Especially since my reply is not going to be all that nice.

A 30-year-old guy most likely sees you as a story, a fling, a reverse May-December romance that he will look back upon fondly one day when he tells his younger wife the tale of the oldest woman he ever bedded.

The fact is, your letter could have been written by a private client.

No joke.

When I hear on the phone “I’m in my late 40’s. People always think I’m younger because I’m so fit and energetic. I’m just not attracted to men my own age or older,” all I can do is smile and nod, the way you do when your friend asks if she looks fat in her jeans.

Understand: I don’t know you, haven’t seen you, and am not impugning your integrity.

All I’d ask you to do would be to put yourself in my position.

If every single man you met said, “I look great for my age. Women my age just can’t keep up with me. I need to find a woman who is 15-20 years younger who is really on my wavelength,” you would roll your eyes and wonder aloud what kind of delusional pot he was smoking. You’d think, “Dude, get OVER yourself. I mean, yeah, you have your hair and you’re pretty fit, but you don’t look as young as you think. Plus, what could you POSSIBLY have in common with a woman who could virtually be your daughter?”

Or something like that.

So I’m not judging you when you say that you prefer men 15-20 years younger.

I’ll just say to you what I’ve said to men who told me the same thing: who cares?

To your credit, you’ve already identified this flaw in your thinking:

Even if you look as good as you say, most 30-year-old men:

a)         Aren’t ready to settle down because they still have more oats to sow.

b)       Wouldn’t pick a 48-year-old woman when they could choose a 28-year-old who is probably firmer, more fertile, and has more years left on earth than you do.

Sorry. It’s that honesty thing again. But you already knew the 2 points above.

What you’re not seeing, however, is this:

A 30-year-old guy most likely sees you as a story, a fling, a reverse May-December romance that he will look back upon fondly one day when he tells his younger wife the tale of the oldest woman he ever bedded.

The other blind spot you appear to have is the same one that afflicts all of my clients over the age of 40: narcissism and exceptionalism.

If YOU’RE a fit, youthful, vibrant catch, who is an exception to what 48-year-old women should look like and act like, wouldn’t it stand to reason that there’s also a MAN out there who is ALSO a fit, youthful, vibrant, catch who looks young for his age?

To wit: if YOU’RE a fit, youthful, vibrant catch, who is an exception to what 48-year-old women should look like and act like, wouldn’t it stand to reason that there’s also a MAN out there who is ALSO a fit, youthful, vibrant, catch who looks young for his age?

And wouldn’t it be a shame if that man only thought that he should date women born in the 80’s because all women YOUR age are too old, damaged and boring to keep up?

Damn right it would.

So get off your pedestal and look around. If you’re in the Top 5% of women, then you should have no trouble attracting that rare 5% man who is willing to date a woman his own age.

Hold out for a young’un, and guess what, darlin’?

You’re no different than the shallow men we so roundly decry for age discrimination.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Andrea

    AM, I think that everyone “gets” it.   The point is that it seems that in the dating world, the most likely scenario is that likes attract likes(unlike magnets). Anyone who exclusively chases after something that they are not is going to have a harder time of it.   Truthfully, anyone who is an outlier will have a harder time of it.    Do you exclude men your age from your search?   Or do they just fail to approach you online or respond if you write to them? That makes a difference.
    I think that based on what you are looking for, you need to keep all doors open.   Too bad Evan can’t match you up with one of those male clients who insists that he’s too young for women his own age!
    To me, that’s the part that sounds a bit over the top.   I don’t care how energetic you are, there are some SERIOUS differences in how people socialize at different times of life.   Maybe you are meeting more mature 30 years olds, but as I mentioned, having just left a graduate program populated by mostly 30 year olds, I can’t imagine anyone who is 50 being into that or being able to hang in that way.   To me, “keeping up” means so much more than physical activity or sex.   As I mentioned, I’ve seen many people your age who could run circles around people 10-15 years younger, but it would just seem that some aspects of socializing would be a bit odd and they just wouldn’t fit in.
    I think you can find what you want, but it’s not going to ever be like it would be if you were 25 looking for a 30 year old, or 30 looking for a 30 year old.   A hot 50 year old isn’t going to get as many responses, either from men your own age, or from men who are loads younger as you would have gotten 20 years ago.   You are looking for a veritable needle in the haystack, so who knows if that will happen quickly or slowly. I guess what I and maybe some other people don’t get is that you sound surprised that it hasn’t happened easily. How could it, when so many men will list cut off ages as being their own minus 10 years, a 10 year range that is 5 years YOUNGER than their current age, or perhaps a year or two older but 10-15 years younger?   What do you have listed? B/c I totally judge men who are 40 who will list 21-39 as their preferred range(b/c if you are doing it b/c you want kids, I find it presumptuous that you’d expect someone to be okay being your broodmare), and secretly give points to people who at least put themselves in the middle of their stated range.
    As your profile is basically your own personal marketing brochure, I think that if you are only listing really young men then your profile can’t help but scream COUGAR.   So at least list men your own age so that isn’t how you are marketing yourself.   I think all of the talk about being comfortable with your sexuality also comes across as cougar, which doesn’t sound like what you want based on your letter.   (Have you seen the SNL skit Cougar Den-a good tool to show you exactly what not to do and say if you want to be taking seriously by younger suitors;   it is parody but there is clearly some truth to it).
    My advice to anyone who is older who wants more than a roll in the hay with someone older.   Don’t brag about how hip, young, energetic, or good in bed you are.   B/c people who are really that age are easily hipper, more energetic (for partying at least),   really are younger, and I think most people figure things out during their 20’s and 30’s and don’t need to turn to someone 20 years older to be satisfied.
    I do think that there is something about wanting to live vicariously through someone else’s youth as you move further away from your own.   I think it might be why a lot of 30 something women ignoring messages from younger 20 somethings.   I mean seriously, do just the 40 and 50 somethings think that they are the only ones being virtually hit on by young guys?   My guess is that they try and get largely ignored by the 30 somethings(although I think newly divorced, long married women might go for them).   No one has ever said anything inappropriate, but something about the messages always makes me think that they believe older women are freaks.
    I’ve been “approached” by young to mid 20 somethings, and I’m in my 30’s and think no way.   I guess I’m just not old enough to feel that men my own age lack vigor or stamina(and they are plenty attractive and seem to finally be grown up men), nor do I need any of the “youthful energy” that these young guys have, or expect to find a 25 year old who has the maturity of a man 10 years older(b/c again, the 30-40 year old wrappers look just fine).   It sounds like you want a 50 year old in a 30 year old wrapping.
    So enjoy your “special” time with your young friend and I hope you find what you are looking for, hopefully in a man closer to your age who won’t get bored and move on.

  2. 22
    Denise

    I’m highly attractive, hot even!, fit, fun, feminine and not clingy. I’m a really good catch!!

    If you read more letters coming into Evan that he’s kind enough to answer, there is a similar theme.   “I’m the best thing since sliced bread, what’s wrong with everyone else?”

    As I said in my post, it’s great to be confident, IMO, this type of language I see over and over isn’t confidence.  

    I  don’t see where I  said you said you looked like you were 30.  

    it seems, single guys my own age either cannot match my physical energy and sheer enthusiasm for life or they are taken already! Many of them are lonely, often damaged by failed relationships and looking for someone to share a latte with on a Sunday morning for the next 40 years

    Big assumption here about a lot of men, although I can definitely identify with the ‘taken already’ point.

    But it’s difficult finding something deep and long lasting as I know these guys are usually hard wired to find ‘the one’ eventually

    Okay, so if you’re separated from your husband and you’re looking to have fun and date around (which is what I said in my post), then go for any man to learn and have fun.   But your original post said you’re looking for something ‘deep and long lasting’?   Not sure which it is then.

    I have been living apart from my husband for 18 months now and both he and I have strived very hard to maintain our friendship and our business. Not for you to assume it wasn’t done constructively or that important (and painful) lessons haven’t been learned.     I have a very positive and centered grip on my life

    Ditto.   Been down that path, and it feels like you’re a little defensive.   We’re probably similar personality types–I didn’t mean in any way to say you were a basket case in a corner or being a nutcase either.    In regard to  ‘constructive’–I was referring to the process of becoming a single person again as a  process, as opposed to going from a marriage to a heavy relationship, without that grieving and exploratory time.    The reality is  a separated person  been part of a ‘committed’ couple for X amount of time.    Both people  shared a life together,  witnessed each other’s life, built a future together,  probably have friends together, routines, rituals, spend time with family–all or some of these things.   It takes time to find out who you are as your own person again (the generic you by the way, not you specifically).   To create  your own  life as a single woman (not separated, but divorced and no longer married).       Sorry you took offense to me expressing what my learning experience has been.   I separated in my early 40’s after a 15 year marriage and two kids–I don’t think I’m that unique.   The details are different, but the underlying experiences of all people who are going through a divorce are similar-In my Opinion of course.

    And before you think I’m different because I couldn’t or don’t  attract  men, I have dated a lot since my separation and divorce.   I’ve met men on line, I’ve met men organically.   I’ve had a couple of longer term relationships (both I learned a ton from), I’ve had friends with benefits relationships.   I specifically stay away from younger men because of what I already mentioned; that’s my PREFERENCE though.

    Who the heck knows where life will take us and who we will find attractive at a particular time in life?   Like the examples above, often times, significant age differences aren’t a factor.   I agree with Evan though since that seems to sound more like reality.   Frankly, these may be the types of ‘relationships’ that fit your life at this point in time (no real committment, he’s not going to ‘fall hard’ more than likely, etc.), maybe that’s why   you are attracted to younger men?   Sounds like a good deal for now, if you can keep your emotional wits about you.

  3. 23
    Evan Marc Katz

    @AM – The men you’re looking for are online. You’re either not attracting them or not giving them a chance because of your prejudices. If you’re serious about making online dating into a more fruitful endeavor, please try Finding the One Online. It will make a difference for you, guaranteed.

    1. 23.1
      Taylor

      But online dating isn’t for everyone. I did online dating about 6 years, while I did make plenty of mistakes doing, you have frustratingly patient at times. Most women I talk to I never meet, or sometimes if I did meet them, it often too months. I don’t know if women or more on guard, because I actually made improvements, or maybe something I don’t know about, but getting people to talk back or even meet in person. And no I’m not looking for advice on online dating. I put online dating behind, and not going back anytime at least within the next few years. But people who advocate for online dating really to quit telling people “it only takes one.” Because can you use that line to argue for just about anything, and its more annoying to hear than helpful when you gone through a lot of them with no success. It’s about as comforting as telling a victim of tragedy or illness that its God’s Plan.

  4. 24
    Zann

    AM, call me dense, but I just don’t see what your question is. You say you really are “a catch” and quite above the norm in terms of hotness and energy. Younger men are attracted to you and you like to hang with them because they can match you in zest for life and physical prowess.   Where’s the problem?
    Ohhhhhhh, they’re not interested in anything more in depth or long-lasting? You wish you could have the younger 6-pack, ambitious dude who is also wise, committed, cultured, and devoted?   Maybe even mature?
    You, me, and about a billion other smart, sexy, intelligent women. Sadly, though, most of us have to settle for men a tad less ideal. Sometimes they even turn out to be decent mates, because they share a mutual history with us…for instance, they remember when phones had a cord and Neil Young was….young. Yes, I know I’m dating myself, but I assure you, in my age group I am just as unique and wonderful as you are. And so are a whole bunch of other women.
    We are all flattered when younger men pursue us. It’s just that some of us realize it means two things: you’re holding up well and they’re horny. Stimulating, energetic men your age are out there. Consider the possibility that either you can’t get past what you see as physical deficits in order to get to know them better, or you are putting them off with your superior attitude and sense of entitlement.

  5. 25
    Lucia

    Evan,
    I usually agree with everything you say, but as a Cougar Expert I obviously don’t agree on this one.   There are plenty of guys in their 20s and 30s on my Facebook & Twitter pages who have absolutely no interest in ever dating women their age or younger.   They are not interested in the drama and want someone more mature, so they have no problem dating women 10-15 years older.
    Although for some men it may just be about sex, I hear from “Cougar couples” all over the world who are in serious relationships and are very happy.
    Just because it may not be the norm, doesn’t mean it can’t work.   The dating/relationship landscape is changing.   Attraction doesn’t have an age limit.

    1. 25.1
      Kathleen

      Lucia 25  
      I agree with you based on my last 6 years of being single and dating.
      I didnt have children and Im often targeted by younger men who are certain they dont want children or to be pressured about it. They also seem interested in a woman who is more secure and interesting from a lifetime of experiences.  
      Also Anthropolgist Helen Fisher PHD makes a   compelling case for a growing trend of younger men /older women .  
      Men of older generations, above 50 are from an era where they felt entitled to younger women. Younger generations of men dont seem as ageist  
      I do love Evan s advice about looking for someone my age like me but I havent found that yet  

  6. 26
    sandra.tampa

    IMHO, AM –  needs some compassion    – not our judgment. She is actually asking for permission because she is confused – but although she wants to elicit a response to her logical “reasons” for considering this type of relationship–her gut knows that  although a fling with a 30 yr old man may be tempting – inherently  it poses too much risk of loss to be a healthy choice for her.  And, I venture that it is a way to avoid what she really needs at this time in her life.

    She does not need a  fling with a 30 year old man with it’s inherent pitfalls of embarrassment and eventual loss, (Las Vegas odds; a sucker’s bet.)   I would rather see her decide to enter into some type of therapy; guided  (or not) and/or spiritual self discovery, at this time.

    Just posing the question here indicates to me that she is seeking direction. Asking and seeking before taking action seems to me to be a good thing.

    Evan I really like your blog and usually your advice – but in this case – Criticizing  AM for being shallow does not really  help.

  7. 27
    Steve

    AM #18 wrote
    Firstly thanks Evan for your honest, as always, response. Of course I knew you would say all that…but narcissism and exceptionalism..?  Judgmental words..  maybe an ounce of truth..but I think the barriers are down these days and age demographics are blurred. It doesn’t have to be the reflection of a major personality disorder!
      
    I have a friend who has been a shrink for about 30 years.   She isn’t allowed to use the “N word” around me.   No, not THAT “N word”.   She isn’t allowed to use the word “narcissist”.     After 30 years of helping people she is convinced that there is an epidemic of narcissism in the U.S..     LOL,   every other person gets labeled as a “narcissist!” with her in a conversation without our special rule.
      
    Narcissism the neurosis that is.   Apparently in addition to the personality disorder there is a neurosis by the same name.     Psychology is pretty sloppy about defining terms.     I’ve Googled around trying to get a sense of what it means.   It is not just a synonym for an ego manic.     One of the more interesting definitions is that it means someone who thinks they are an exception to the rules for how reality works.     Like they are the lottery ticket winner Evan mentions among his clients who think they will find a 20 something guy who is good looking, intelligent, 100% put together and who is interested in an LTR with a middleaged woman when he has many other options.     No disrespect meant AM.     I have my things too.
      
    You can see this type of narcissism reflected in popular movies.   The smart ass who goofs for years, insults people, yet still becomes a success by the end of the movie because there is something special about him, just for being him, that enables him to transcend the rules everyone else has to work with.
      

  8. 28
    Steve

    AM
      
    Not to put another straw into your camel’s sack, but you wrote that you work in the entertainment industry.         I know that tends not to be a 9 – 5 job and that it has its own subculture.       Would the guy for you also have to be a performer?   Could you relate to a guy who works an ordinary job and/or find him interesting?     Are there conflicts between non-performing partners and performing partners?

  9. 29
    Steve

    Evan Marc Katz # 20
    Actually, AM, while BeenThruTheWars is a favorite and a friend, she’s only “a gem” because told you want you want to hear.
      
    AM in addition to Evan’s point of BTTW having won the lottery, her lucky exception to the rule may be even less evidence that there is a such a lucky exception waiting for you ( as another single person I hope you find fim ).   BTTW’s man is an exception that is rare enough.     With your laundry list of must haves and must-not haves such a rare exception as BTTW’s guy might not have been suitable for you either.     My god, he could have been a well put together guy who works an ordinary job and who likes to go to movies in his spare time!
      
    No offense meant,   I hope you find your knight in shining armour.
      
    Evan isn’t going to tell you how, because he doesn’t believe there is a “how” for generating anomalies.
      
    Maybe you can start your search by asking yourself, if you were such a man, where would you be and what would you be doing?
      
    Good luck

  10. 30
    Steve

    @Andrea post #22
    You wrote an interesting post, I’m glad I suppressed my “wall of text phobia” and read it.     At your age younger men aren’t “men”,   most of them are still boys.     I 100% agree with your point that the age groups socialize differently and that “group jumpers” have a harder time fitting in.     I’ve felt that divide when I’ve dated women in their late 20s.
      
    I also thought your advice to AM to look at her profile for cross purpose messages was insightful.   Particularly the bit about not listing how she is comfortable with her sexuality.     I would have found that odd reading it too.   I’ve had my sexuality since I’ve been about 12 so I would find such a statement from someone in their 40s to be a bit odd, unless they just came out as gay.

  11. 31
    Denise

    @Lucia 26

    That’s probably true in regard to DATING.   However, what happens when they want to settle down and for a lot of people, start to have a family.   More than likely, they are not going to choose the woman is almost 50 to go down that path.

    As I wrote earlier:   For those women that are ‘older’, we have the benefit of wisdom, maturity and have gotten over our sexual/body hangups.     No wonder the young men want us!  

    @Sandra.tampa #27

    I agree Sandra, which is evident in her posts.   She wants to settle down and find Mr. Right, but recognizes that probably won’t be with a man 20 years her junior, although that’s the only men she wants to date.   All of this and she’s not divorced yet.

    Sometimes, we just have to do what we have to do at the point we are in our life.   And learn from it. I would bet that eventually AM will get to the point where she’ll better be able to crystalize what she really wants from a relationship and from life.

  12. 32
    BeenThruTheWars

    @Evan — purely semantics — but I didn’t (set out to) tell AM what she wanted to hear.   I shared my own experience, and advised that she reconsider her marketing approach so it was more realistic and age-neutral.   It’s true that AM may have only “heard only what she wanted to hear,” but that I have no control over.   🙂
      
    The point I apparently didn’t get across strongly enough (my bad) is that this overemphasis on a man’s youth and “hotness” is not germane to finding a deeper, lasting relationship.   Those are the appropriate criteria when one is looking for a fling or a trophy to display, not a wife/husband.   I didn’t go out looking for a younger guy, but that’s who sought me out because of what I had to offer that women their age didn’t (a child-free lifestyle, freedom from financial burdens, intelligent conversation, grownup companionship, etc.) Nowhere in my dating profile did I mention looks, sexual prowess, fitness/energy level, or anything of that nature either in describing myself or the type of man I was looking for.   I would’ve happily chosen a guy my own age or older I clicked with on all cylinders, but that’s not who showed up.
      
    Yes, you need to be sexually compatible with your mate.   However, “hotness” is ideally a state of mutual attraction, regardless of looks, age, or fitness level.   I would’ve been a great fit with my own husband no matter how old he was (which I did state).   I didn’t go out seeking a younger guy.   That’s who showed up (much to my consternation at first).   I was looking for someone with whom I clicked and connected on a head and heart level.   Looks are fleeting, and after forty it’s “patch, patch, patch” for just about everyone.

  13. 33
    BeenThruTheWars

    Re the “winning the lottery” comment — I would feel that way about my husband regardless of how old he is.   His age is immaterial to me, as mine is to him (although he is envious that I remember watching The Beatles live on Ed Sullivan).   It’s a nice plus in some ways; actuarially, for instance.   With a 10 year age gap, it’s less likely that he’ll die before me and I’ll have to spend my final years alone.   However, it’s just icing on a much more substantial cake.

  14. 34
    Karl R

    AM said: (#18)
    “there are people out here who don’t fit the norm and that’s without trying too hard.”

    Match.com statistics for women aged 43 to 48 within 10 miles of my home (378 women):

    23% are slender
    24% are athletic and toned

    51% exercise 3 to 4 times per week
    14% exercise 5 or more times per week

    33% have a bachelors degree
    25% have a higher degree

    That’s your competition. If I set my search  filters for a woman who is older, educated and in good shape, I’ll get  a couple hundred  of them. And I’m in a city that falls far below the median in health and education.

    If you want to stand out above the online  norm, you’ll have to do something more than be attractive, enthusiastic and  energetic.

    AM said: (#18)
    “Of course I  wish I could find my equal and opposite in my own age group! And I am open to that, but frankly any guy that hot and together, of  my own  age, is probably going to be the property of some grateful wife! OR he will be hotly pursued by many women and doesn’t need to go online.”

    You’re absolutely right. Just like any woman your age who is  your equal  will be married to a grateful husband -or- she will be pursued by so many men that she won’t need to go online.

    There seems to be a flaw with that line of reasoning. If you’re hot and together, and you’re not married, and you’re online … why wouldn’t men find themselves in the exact same situation?

    AM said: (#18)
    “I’m just very comfortable in my own skin and with my sexuality”
    “It’s hard to hold out (for years?) for the absolutely ideal man when you need to express yourself sexually.”
    “And yes of course younger men  are looking for sex. So am I!”
    “there are a lot  of younger men who actually prefer the company of older women both emotionally and sexually.”

    Let’s talk about the elephant in the living room. Based on  your age and your choice of words, men younger than you (like me)  are likely to assume that you’re in perimenopause, your libido is in high gear, and you’re a great candidate for a relationship with lots of sex.

    Your emotional maturity isn’t being considered in this decision making process. As long as you’re “not crazy,” that’s good enough.

    Furthermore, you’d like a man who’s interested in a serious, long-term relationship. Those men are avoiding you. You’re not legally  ready for the kind of relationship those men want  until you’re divorced. Even then, they’ll be taking a chance as to whether you’ll be emotionally ready.

    You’ve put yourself in a situation where you’re only attracting the men who want a fling. You can’t go anywhere to change that. You’ll have to change yourself.

    1. 34.1
      Taylor

      She doesn’t need a divorce to be legally ready for a relationship. There are plenty of people who start dating before they are divorced due how long it takes in some situations. Legally ready makes no sense at all.

  15. 35
    Goldie

    I think it is one heck of an assumption to say that men in their 40s are only interested in “sharing a latte on a Sunday morning for the next 40 years”… I for one feel the need to step up and defend the guys of my generation 🙂 Just like in any other age group, there is a huge variety. Just like AM, or myself, wouldn’t want to be lumped in together with “all women in their 40s”, neither would those men. Guys who believe that life is a constant growing and learning process do exist. If they didn’t, then what’s the point in getting together with a 30-year-old anyway? he’ll just turn into another couch potato in ten years.
      
    I’m not without hang-ups myself – mine is that I prefer men in my own age group and am pretty wary of anyone else, be it a 30-year-old or a 50-year-old. Something I need to work on, I guess 🙂 If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this blog, it’s that external qualities don’t matter as much in a relationship. It matters infinitely more whether the person is in your karass than whether he’s in your granfalloon. (Sorry, just finished re-reading Cat’s Cradle and cannot get these terms out of my head.)

  16. 36
    Ruby

    Sure, the world of dating is opening up more and more. And who hasn’t been influenced by the Demi/Ashton phenomenon? But my experience, at least from online dating, is that most younger guys aren’t looking for a serious relationship with anyone. And many older men are the same. Most younger men who have contacted me online have been at least 20 years younger, just a bit too young, in my book, even though, yes, they are very cute and sweet. I’ve had little interest from 30-somethings, but I’m also over 45, which seems to be a cut-off point for many men. The 30-somethings are probably getting ready to start their own families. I’ve happily dated men around my age and up to 5-11 years younger, though.
      
    I really feel that the younger a man is, the more open he is to dating an older woman, because he doesn’t have any issues about his own youth. But as men get older, midlife crisis takes over, and they want a younger woman who makes them feel young. Truth be told, the younger men I’ve dated make me feel younger as well, though I’ve met a few older men who have been quite youthful and attractive. Keep an open mind about every man you encounter, is what I’d advise.

  17. 37
    Kaitlyn

    I have been living apart from my husband for 18 months now

    Honestly, AM, if you are still married and are living apart from your husband I think the FIRST thing you should be doing is evaluating whether you want to stay in your marriage or get a divorce.   If you want to find a relationship with another man it is only fair to that person that you are fully OUT of your marriage.
    Until you do that, you really are NOT available for anything more than a “fling”.   Sorry if that’s blunt…but you are soliciting advice on dating and finding more than a “fling” but you state that you are living apart from your HUSBAND which indicates that you are not fully available for ANY other man, regardless of his age.

  18. 38
    Speed

    @AM
    You can write me off as a typical “boring guy over 40” but what’s wrong with “sharing a Sunday latte for the next 40 years?” In my opinion, being an adult means recognizing life has a large degree of boredom and routine, interspersed with moments of something special.

  19. 39
    Steve

    Lucia #26 wrote

    Although for some men it may just be about sex, I hear from “Cougar couples” all over the world who are in serious relationships and are very happy.
      
    That doesn’t mean that it isn’t an exceptionally rare situation to the point where it might not be worth pursuing for a woman interested in finding a happy LTR while she can still walk unassisted.
    If I go “all over the world” I can probably fill   a convention hall of   left handed black jewish lesbians who voted for Bush.       That doesn’t mean that demographic is plentiful in the dating scene and that any left handed jewish lesbian has a realistic shot of finding someone just like herself for an LTR.

  20. 40
    Steve

    Karl, post #35.     Be sure to blow some air on those smoking guns to cool them down 🙂   Dang!

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