If Men Like Only Hot Women, Where Does That Leave an Average Woman Like Me?

If Men Only Kike Hot Women, Where Does That Leave an Average Woman Like Me?

Dear Evan,

Why do dating experts for men teach them how to get the hottest women possible? Unlike women, they are rarely told to date someone they might not find attractive at first because she might grow on him. As an average looking woman (I am fit, well-groomed and fashionable, but I know that I am not a bombshell. I don’t make people gag, but I don’t turn heads either.), I feel that no man is going to find me desirable because all men feel that they deserve and can get the hottest woman out there. Just where does that leave women like me? 


Dear Tia-Maria,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for asking this question. A few months ago, I promised to write a post about shallow men, and this note from you is the perfect excuse.

First, a story:

When I started writing Why You’re Still Single, back in early 2005, I was working with a different woman than my eventual partner, Linda Holmes. This original partner was a noted matchmaker who brought a certain credibility to my pet project – she’s experienced in her field, she’s telegenic, she knows plenty about single people, etc.

One of the first chapters I completed was called “The Beauty Myth Is Not a Myth.” It didn’t necessarily debunk Naomi Wolf’s seminal work, but it did establish one very important concept that women need to understand: Men are as shallow as advertised. And while women can beat their heads against a wall, wishing that this were not true, they’re fighting a real losing battle if they expect men to stop worshipping at the altar of beauty.

Like much of my advice, it can rub a woman the wrong way. But I wasn’t condoning the behavior, I was merely reporting it. This is what men do, whether we like it or not. Yet my writing partner felt so unnerved by my stance, that her version of the “Beauty Myth” chapter only served to contradict everything I had written.

She mentioned that she was in the business of connecting souls.

She stated that as men mature, they learn to appreciate inner beauty.

She encouraged women to hold out for the kind of guy who isn’t as focused on the outer packaging.

That’s when I fired her from the project.

I tell this story not to make myself look good (clearly), but because I refused to put out a book that gave bad advice. And make no mistake about it – telling women to hold out for men who don’t care about looks is BAD ADVICE. Why? Because men like this are as common as Halley’s Comet….

Here’s an excerpt from Why You’re Still Single:

“I am not suggesting that men are pure objects of lust with all the depth of a bathtub. Nor am I suggesting that men don’t have the ability to love and accept any physical imperfections. They can and they do.

Just not as much as women. At least in my experience as a dating coach where I have the unique privilege of being given access to some of my clients’ online dating accounts. And after years of doing this, I’m still flabbergasted that no matter how unattractive a man is – no matter how little hair is on his head, or how much on his back – he STILL has the same twenty-something supermodels on his favorites list as if he was Colin Farrell.

Yes, Shallow Hal lives – and I believe he lives in a majority of American men. Men who are 5s want women who are 10s. And women who are 5s are often left out in the cold, at least in L.A., where I live…

Men who are 5s want women who are 10s. And women who are 5s are often left out in the cold.

If anybody should be judged harshly, it’s men for refusing to let women age gracefully. Most men do not break out of gender roles and societal expectations. So while you may know a handful of men who don’t care about looks, they are rarities. They are the gold standard, the type that every woman should be striving to date. But if you’re under the illusion that they grow on trees, it’s time to wake up and smell the Kiehl’s anti-aging lotion. The number of guys who are “above” the whole looks thing may fill a classroom, but not a stadium, and definitely not a big enough portion of the male population to suggest any type of trend.

In a weak moment, I bet that even the most non-judgmental guy around would say that he wants a mind, soul, and body connection – but only if she takes care of her body.

So, Tia-Maria, why do dating experts tell men how to get the hottest women possible? …

Because that’s what men want. Plain and simple. Dating experts try to sell products by connecting with readers’ basest wishes. And for men, the holy grail is to be able to get the hot girl. What these men rarely consider is that the hot girl might also be emotionally bankrupt, unintelligent, flaky, humorless, and lack basic human empathy. These details don’t concern them. Men’s repeated refrain: “I can’t help what I’m attracted to.”

Who do we blame for this? Men, of course, but there’s more than enough responsibility to go around. After all, women buy into the Beauty Myth just as much as men do. Advertising and media saturation reinforce the image of perfect bodies and skin, and women spend thousands of dollars each year striving for an impossible standard. And to please whom? Men? Themselves? I’m not sure anyone can agree on this stuff.

And where does this realization leave you, Tia-Maria? I would say right back where you were before. Secure in who you are and who you’re not. Validated in your opinion that men are impossibly shallow. And rightfully concerned that you’re going to be overlooked.

Despite my shallow man diatribe, please bear in mind that there is a lid for every pot. Just look around. Most women don’t qualify as “hot” in the Maxim sense, and yet they still get married. The real struggle is in keeping a healthy perspective and a positive attitude until you find the right fit.

So don’t worry about what you can’t control (men); instead, take care of what you can control (yourself).

And trust that the right man will love you as you deserve to be loved.


For more commentary on shallow men, please read:

Where Are All The Emotionally Available, Mentally Healthy Men?

How Come Everyone I Want to Meet Online Isn’t Interested In Me?

Are Women More Likely Than Men to Require Chemistry To Go On A Second Date?

Online Daters Are Shallow! And Water Is Wet!

Join our conversation (493 Comments).
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  1. 211

    What’s in it for a woman who invests her time, resources, and feminine energy, in a “less confident “man — and gets left like that?
    One very fundamental truth that is being left out in all these is the fact that human beings do have certain features that make them human. One of such is the ability to bond with another. Not all men simply get up and leave a woman who has made significant contributions to their lives. Even when some men cheat, they make it clear to their mistresses that they won’t ever leave their wives and kids.
    A woman who won’t contribute to a man’s life does not deserve him. Same with a man who won’t help the woman out. Heck, didn’t Evan recently write an article which showed that successful marriages require two generous people in them?

  2. 212

    …the longer one stays at home on the screen(t.v./computer) the more work one creates for the counselor/psychologist….there must be a way to navigate through the “ocean” of men. 

  3. 213

    ” If I were a woman trying to decide what to “compromise” on, or “settle” for, I would pick confidence.  Plenty of single guys with decent jobs and basically pleasant personalities and an interest in a committed relationship have a deficit in success with women and feel pretty down on themselves.  You can be their savior.  And here is the best part: if you bolster his confidence, you are now dating a guy who is more confident!  Whereas, if you pick a short guy, even after you shower him with your admiration, he may be appreciative, but he will still be short (and I am saying this as a guy who isn’t tall).”
    Been there, done that (several times, in fact), disagree with that. Of course this depends upon what one means by confidence. But from my experience, if you date a guy who has a giant chip on his shoulder, then a few years later, he will still be the guy with a giant chip on his shoulder. He will still have that giant chip on his shoulder when he leaves you for some perceived slight (since he will have very thin skin, due to his low confidence). Whereas with a short guy, if you two have a good thing going, you will have a hard time remembering that he’s short a few months into a relationship. My x husband walked with a limp since he was a teenager. I stopped noticing the limp during our first year of dating. After 20 years together, I completely forgot that he had it. But a guy’s inferiority complex will always be on the front of your mind, because you’ll be walking on eggshells around him every day of your relationship.
    Don’t get me wrong, men with low confidence and low self-esteem have all of my sympathy. I can be their friend and their shoulder to cry on. I just cannot be their partner. They need a therapist, not a partner. I am not qualified to be their therapist. I cannot give them the help they need, but they can and will drag me down to their level. I’m speaking from experience. For my next relationship, I will be looking for a man who is balanced, happy and content with himself (by which I also do not mean a man who lacks ambition, or interest in learning and growth).

  4. 214

    I think a man will be attracted to a pretty woman.
    What a woman wants in a relationship? To be protected, cherished, listened to (ok not too much :o) and to be in a loving team.  (And that he gets the same treatment, right?)
    Otherwise, frankly why bother?

  5. 215

    i strongly believe that this post is not entirely true.Through my encounter with blogs and forums,it is stated that males mature into looking and valueing the beauty beneath the surface as they matire.Alot of men on forums say that they would rather date an average looking woman rather than a hot one that has no brain and a horrible personality.There’s a blog by an average looking woman who often dates handsome men and she posts the truth and how she does it.Its called ‘5 things I’ve learnt from dating really really good looking guys’ on xojane.com.Look all around you ,there are pleanty of less beautiful or ave rage looking girls and women with partners,the less beautiful ones are sometimes ,or quite often the ones with boyfriends,and the goodlooking ones do not.I went to a fair and observed that most couples are of a better looking male with a less good looking female ir that the girlfriend is simpler than the ashionable ones going in groups with their girlfriends.They are also the ones that look more plain.

    aNd that confidence is they key.And you can beautofy yourself with makeup and clothes.
    Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder s,so whether if the men are really shallow in LA for example,the woman are attractive elsewhere and that all males have different opinions and standards on attraciveness.
    There are women on youtube and websites that can trick menninto thinking they are better looking or are man-magnets.This comes to the fliring techniques and personal values.

  6. 216

    …surely, by now we all know…..a mans eyes, are his biggest sex object….harvard did a study on relationships, they found 2/3’s of all men marry for sex/sensual…..

  7. 217
    Karl R

    hunter said: (#218)
    “harvard did a study on relationships, they found 2/3′s of all men marry for sex/sensual”
    Could you provide a link to this study? I can’t find any evidence that it exists.

  8. 218

    ……I bellieve it was in the book, “the evolution of desire”,  by Buss, if the quote isn’t there, let me know, I will, suggest another book…that I might have read it out of…..hhmmm…

  9. 219
    The Truth

    I agree. Men are shallow. But women are just as shallow. If you can have the hot, smooth guy, you would pick him almost 100% of the time, just like men would pick the hot woman. The more I live, the less differences I see. Plenty of differences in details, but the end result is the same. If there is anyone we all should be angry at, it’s God. He made us this way. Most of us are fucked from the word “go.” Sweet dreams everyone! 🙂

  10. 220

    Just switch teams and date women. You can also just start using men. Sorry but men are unfaithful and generally only value playboy playmates. They are selfish and have no honor or respect for women. I am a very good looking woman and that’s not enough for them either. Men are never satisfied…..and generally lying scum. My adive would be dont emotionally attach yourself to men as they have no feelings.

  11. 221


    I disagree with you, there are herds of good/nice men, that good looking women are not “attracted” to.

  12. 222

    Yeah, men care about looks and to say otherwise is a lie. There are a ton of things women can do for themselves without plastic surgery or whatever, if they feel they aren’t “attractive enough”. And if a woman feels she isn’t beautiful enough, it’s going to come out in some way. A lot of men out there don’t find super models attractive in terms of what they want their wife to look like.

    I think my hour glass shape and my baby face is what often physically attracts men, and I enjoy wearing clothes that accentuate it. And I also prefer to wear feminine looking clothes (whether it be a blouse, pants, skirt or dress) over sweats and sneakers, unless I’m going to the gym. I’m definitely not a “10” by Maxim standards but I have no trouble catching a guy’s attention.

    Also, beauty to some degree is subjective. Just because Maxim or whatever says that some woman is the hottest on earth, that doesn’t mean every man will agree. The same way not every man thinks that fair skin, long blonde hair, blue eyes and skinny as a runway supermodel is the epitome of beauty.

    Kay I’m not sure how old your posts are– I’m black Jamaican American, and brown skinned, not “exotic looking” and often feel the same as you. But at the same time, I realized I was choosing men (black and other races) who reflected a lot of my insecurities, so they created a self fulfilling prophecy. Now I’ve realized this, I’m getting ready to change that around.

    I feel I understand where you are coming from, that our society has A LOT of negative stereotypes against black women. But dark skinned black women out there are still getting married to black men and other men, and many have options so it is possible to overcome. I know a lot of those women. Most are married or in relationships with black men, some are with men outside their race.

    I also feel there’s a conspiracy behind spreading all the negativity that black men don’t date black women anymore. Forget statistics and mainstream media, a lot of it is negative garbage. I don’t even watch the news anymore because hearing how this person got shot by their spouse ever day isn’t helping me progress in life. Forget what they say about us, especially when you know you don’t fit that description, the right man for you also won’t care what society has to say.

    Perhaps living in another country will work better for you. I love to travel so maybe I’ll meet someone outside the US too. But I’m not going to dismiss all American men. You certainly sound like you’ve invested a lot of time in receiving professional dating advice. It will pay off. Good luck to you, you can do it. 🙂

  13. 223

    Stop it!  Woman and man are the same PERIOD

    1. 223.1

      They really aren’t. Largely speaking, our media messages are dominated by a heterosexual male normative fantasy which exclusively focuses on what 18-34 year old men want to see first, and then what 35-55 men want to see. Which means women are subject to media perception based largely around what men want. Most sexual visual content out there is centered around what pleases men most, not what pleases women. So men have largely grown up in a world that has exclusively catered to their visual pleasure. Average joes, even ugly joes, have come to believe they are entitled to 20 year old women that could pose on the cover of male magazines. Because lets be honest, that’s what the world tells them. So many men never grow outside themselves or the media that placates them into remaining Peter Pans. Of course, some men escape this menality and learn how to appreciate women and their sexuality on completely different terms. But most men remain locked in their teenage mentalities toward women, their bodies and sexuality. 
      Men and women are not the same. Men are more shallow with a higher level of unrealistic expectations because the media primiarly caters to men’s school boy fantasies. 
      Women want real connections with men they find attractive but their idea of what makes a man attractive isn’t nearly has twisted up as men because the world doesn’t cater to the image of a young, buff 20 year old guy serving all her shallow whims in the way men have this entitled fantasy around them everyday. 
      So yes, 50 year old men live with the belief that they are just as sexy and exciting as 25 year old men. They aren’t. But 50 year old men live in a world that offers men more entitlements then it does women. 
      One day I hope that changes. But for now, men are as shallow as ever and they feel entitlement not just to women and their bodies, but to hot young women and their bodies no matter the man’s age. Remember that kid who shot people and wrote the female-hating manefesto? ALOT of guys feel just like him. They just don’t go shooting up schools but they stil experience those feelings and that level of entitlement aorund women. Women do not have nearly the same level of entitlements. 

      1. 223.1.1
        mary oshea



  14. 224

    Men are simplistic in what they are attracted to – they are attracted to “hot” women. But, as far as long term relationships go, most men will tell you that hotness alone doesn’t cut it. There is a reason the man you’re dating isn’t with the hotter women he dated before you, and is with you, and it’s probably not just that he’s thinking “you’ll do”.

  15. 225

    You know, all those “beautiful” women men lust after are usually Photoshopped. Nothing is like that in nature. Sure there are some naturally beautiful women out there, but guess what? Even if they’re a model they’re still Photoshopped. So men can jerk off all they want at the thought of these “women” who are actually digitally modified. I’m kind of hopping one day sex-bots will be real, then men can leave women alone and live with their stupid immature fantasies.

    1. 225.1

      I see quite a few models, they look even better in real life.  Gah!

    2. 225.2

      “I’m kind of hoping one day sex-bots will be real, then men can leave women alone and live with their stupid, immature fantasies.”

      00000, be very careful what you wish for. I’m willing to bet, that right now some poor, scrawny, short, shy little geek of a guy with thick glasses and a super intellect, (the kind most entitled modern women blow off with a giggle) is working in some back-room lab toward that very goal;  awfully-functional, female robot. complete with simulated emotional responses.. I can just see the advertising now…” Gentlemen, meet Fembot, the perfect female companion! She doesn’t whine, never nags, doesn’t complain if you and your buddies watch the game on Sunday-why she’ll even fix you a pizza and fetch your beer! She’s always “in the mood”, never “has a headache”; she’s always kind and sweet and affirming! She’ll never get fifty pounds overweight from stuffing her face while sitting on the couch watching hours of reality TV, doesn’t get bitchy from PMS two weeks out of four, and best of all, she takes full responsibility for her own orgasms! as an added bonus, she’s been programmed to HATE cats! Of course, she comes in various builds, hair colors and skin tones, and for a slight up charge, can be exactly engineered to your personal specifications!”

      Not only is that little geek going to make gazillions that will make Bill Gates look like a piker; the bigger effect will be that as she became more affordable, she’ll become so ubiquitous that you, 00000, will not only get your wish, but far more. When that day comes, women like most of the resident barracudas here will be out of luck, and out of ideas…in essence you will be obsolete…and you know what? After all the man-hating vitriol I’ve seen spewed on these pages, I won’t have one ounce of pity for you. Feminism? When that day comes, you’ll have literally nothing to bargain with; why, it wouldn’t surprise me, if within a few years, men put a bounty on you…as pests.

      Naturally, I hope I’m still around to greet the dawning of that new age with a snarky smile, but just in case I’m not, remember, I told you what could happen…:)

      1. 225.2.1

        Buck25, I really got to say that it’s scary how u turned so hateful because of some hateful people…A vicious cycle I guess. A pity!

      2. 225.2.2

        What’s as much of a pity, Nat, is that you totally failed to get the humor in what was intended to be a funny (if admittedly over-the-top snarky), response to 00000’s nasty man-hating little post  that preceded it.

        Well, I’m not surprised; the atmosphere around here is so toxic that humor and satire is taken as hate, along with everything else. Just last night, in another thread, I watched the resident harpies here savaging one of their own, after she dared suggest to them that Evan might be right, and rather than continue to hate men because they can’t change us, they might  try to understand us instead. It wouldn’t be hard, actually since we men are not so very complicated in either our wants or the way we express them, but the distaff war party was having none of it; called her almost as many names as they called me, the time I had the temerity to express the thought that since I put in the effort to stay in shape, I expected a woman to do likewise; expect a woman to give as good as she gets? How dare I! What an outrage! Likewise, this woman (one of the few sane and rational female voices I’ve heard here), was in effect called a traitor to her gender, a man pretending to be a woman, or at the very least, a “woman identifying as a man”-oh, the horror, the horror! A woman actually expressing empathy for a man! Didn’t she know that unwritten rule: a woman shall reserve her empathy for females only? Goes with the other unwritten rules: all men are creeps, liars, bums and cheats, and potential rapists and abusers to boot; women , by contrast, are complete little angels who only get taken advantage of by those awful men! A woman can openly brag about sleeping with, even cheating with, boys half her age, and the sisterhood here smirks and applauds; but let a man suggest he want a younger woman, and it’s “Throw the bum out with the rest of the garbage! Besides, why would any man over 50 need sex anyway, when older men are, without exception, fat, bald, hideously ugly, and have no virility left (never mind the real statistics  on any of this, our minds are made up so don’t ever try to confuse us with facts, you aging pig!)” That’s just the tip of the iceberg;you can find the same nastiness in almost every thread on this blog. I came here looking for insight, what I found was some of the worst misandry it has ever been my displeasure to witness. Once I tried to respond with satire (clearly labeled as such, yet) to a particularly vitriolic post from a woman; I was instantly labeled a misogynist, an MGTOW, etc. . but then that’s the fate of any man who comes here and expresses an opinion the shrieking feminists don’t wish to hear.

        Let me make something clear; it’s not the whole of American women, or even the whole of the women on this blog who are the problem; it’s a certain hate-filled, bitter, overly entitled subset of women who happen to be disproportionally represented on this site, that are. That subset, and their behavior, are a good chunk of the reason behind MRA, MGTOW, etc. and they ARE the reason for the snark and the rest of the “right back at you!” you get from me (and after repeatedly hearing men, and particularly my generation of men, insulted and blasted to hell and gone on a daily basis, believe me when I tell you I’m trying to be restrained!)

        So Evan, my friend, more power to you in what you’re trying (against all odds, I think) to do. I salute you, for you have more patience than I have. I wish you, along  the more reasonable ladies here, with whom I’ve actually had some constructive discussions, all the very best .  The rest of you can kiss my southern grits!I’m going back to the world, where at least in my little corner of flyover country, there are women who actually like men; even love them on occasion; might even find one who can appreciate me.


        1. Nat

          Buck25, I took that comment in context with the angry comment u gave to a commenter called Karl a few days ago. In context, I don’t think your comment was very humorous/jokey. Hope it was. Whatever it is, if u can only react to angry nonsense (it’s all over the internet dude, not just here, and not just against your ‘generation of men’) with more angry nonsense, then I agree u’re better off not reading blogs. 

        2. AllHeart81

          Buck – I missed the humor there too. I guess it’s because everything you mocked are actual cliches men hold against women. Nagging? We know men rather we shut up and serve them pizza and blow jobs then be real human beings with our own thoughts. So Check. Gain weight? yeah, we know that our weight is a big issue for men even with men that love us. I’m sure if there was a way to prevent us ladies from aging, men would be on board with that too.

          I think both men and women DO want the other gender to “actually” like them. IN sincere, respectful, exciting, appreciative ways. So you feeling under appreciated by women isn’t a feeling unique to men. believe me, us ladies feel the same exact things. We also want men who honestly like us. Not just the size of our breasts, our age, or are ability to give pizza and blow jobs. We all want to be recognized for our humanity and be appreciated for the people we are.


        3. hunter


          …can you be more specific about men appreciating women for who they are and their humanity?…..thank you…

        4. AllHeart81

          Hi Hunter – thank you for asking. It’s complex but I’ll d my best to explain.

          In our culture, the fantasy of what a woman should be surrounds us everyday. And I promise you there isn’t a woman alive it doesn’t feel that pressure in one way or another. The fantasy of who a woman should be is more interesting to our society then who women really are as imperfect, complex human beings. We see it in billboards, commercials, film, tv, books – rarely are women shown as complex, multifaceted people who are the lead of their own stories and have needs of their own vs a fantasy image created around femininity where a woman’s beauty and her happiness in the world enjoying and objectifying her beauty are the most important things about her.
          In this fantasy, a woman must be beautiful and pleasing. She must not ‘nag’, she must not express needs of her own, she must not feel ugly emotions or feel too deeply. She must not gain weight or get older or be fragile to any human condition that would reveal her as a human being instead of a beautiful doll on parade. Because when she nags, or gains weight or gets older, or complains about how the world treats her, she has proved herself to be less of the kind of woman the world truly wants. Which is a pleasing, beautiful object that is pleased by her own objectification for the pleasure of others. I don’t just mean this in terms of  only sexuality and beauty,  but that’s obviously a big part of it.
          These cultural moors show up in female-centric media and male-centric media alike.
          This ideal of womanhood is everywhere. And sadly, it’s a very narrow ideal that no woman will ever humanly live up to. So when a woman doesn’t live up to the ideal, we turn against her. We complain about her ‘nagging’ and her messiness and her complexity because it’s not neat, tidy and beautiful. We call her insecure when she’s not totally comfortable with her partner objectifying other women or we shame her. We refuse her, her humanity because she should always be the embodiment of female beauty and pleasing perfection. Because in our culture, women exist in media to please others. Sexually or otherwise.

          I think sometimes men struggle with their fantasy of who they want women to be vs the reality of who women are as equally complex, messy, imperfect humans – just like men. Why do men struggle with this? For one thing, men are not socialized to deal with their own complex feelings so when they have to confront dealing with another’s complex feelings, they are at a lose. So sometimes some men choose to attack the woman instead of saying “okay, lets examine this and why don’t I just talk to her about these things.” The second reason, the world has sold the fantasy image of womanhood to everyone, telling them that is what a woman should be to them, that dealing with the reality of women as imperfect, complex people can incite frustration, anger and even outright dislike. If you’ve been looking at specific images and ideas about women since you were a young boy – images embodied in porn, in video games, in male magazines, in sports, and in any media that controlled the story and ideal of who women are, and then you find yourself trying to have a real relationship with a woman who acts nothing like these fantasy images of womanhood – who needs more from her partner then just to exit to please him – it begets frustration, anger and impatience.

          Such as we see with Buck’s response. He thinks women ‘nag’ and he’s upset that women’s bodies change or that they gain weight. Well, maybe women don’t actually ‘nag’ sometimes – maybe they are just trying to express what they need sometimes and some men see that as ‘nagging’. And no woman I’ve ever met *wants* to gain weight. But sadly, sometimes it’s just a reality of life. We aren’t perfect. We aren’t the fantasy ideal men clearly wish us to be. We are human. We aren’t perfect. And most of us are keenly aware of how we fail to be the image of womanhood most men want. So when I say see our humanity – see us for being imperfect and don’t get angry or mean or shaming because we aren’t perfect. Get to know the things that make us individuals and make us…us. Instead of wanting us to fit into an idealized fantasy of womanhood. Appreciate what makes us tick, how are experiences have made us who we are – the good and the bad. Don’t be scared of us because not all our emotions are ‘pretty’. Don’t shame us because our bodies aren’t perfect. Don’t lust after other women and expect us to have no feelings about it. Don’t treat us or other women as commodities to be traded up for or traded around for. Appreciate us for what makes us, us instead of looking at us through a veil of who you want us to be.
          I hope this makes more sense. I know it was alot.


  16. 226

    I tend to disagree with you, to quote Smokey Roinson “pretty girls come a dime a dozen, you’d better find one that’ll give you true lovin”, in fact it is very difficult to find women that aren’t pretty and yet I very rarely want to date all these beautiful women. I’m a very selective man but what attracts me are certain traits, what they bring out in me or how they make me feel. I recently met a beautiful woman that I had no sexual interest in until we’d had a wonderful conversation and I found out that she was everything I’d ever wanted in a woman. A few months later I noticed she had hairy legs, now I’m a leg man, I love them and I love them smooth, but with her I could care less. Yes most men are shallow but we have broad tastes, the woman who wrote in is likely stunning and so are all of you. The only people who feel otherwise are other women, gay men, and guys that prey on low self esteem. 

  17. 227

    I’m a 51 year old woman–still single. I agree with the author that men are very shallow.  It doesn’t change as they get older. A year ago, I thought I had finally met my soul mate–a man a couple of years older, divorced twice, with two grown daughters. We talked about marriage and forever.  And then we met in person (hey, this is the 21st century–we met on FB but knew each other as kids).  The first meeting was almost magical–I had been nervous that he wouldn’t find me young or attractive enough. I’m not unattractive but don’t have the perfect body. Well, he didn’t.  Suddenly, all of the love he proclaimed for me was dropped. In his second trip out to see me (he drove 12 hours both times), he was openly flirting with younger and beautiful women in front of me…one night at a bar he and a 20 something miniskirted woman were making a connection right in front of me (even though we were supposedly engaged).  We fought about it, he left me the next morning (a few days before he had planned) and told me “not to read anything in to it.”  He broke up with me a week later.  Yet he called me almost daily for the next six months and now he is almost never in touch.  I know he finds me brilliant, smart, funny and we have the same interests and see life the same way but the truth is I just wasn’t hot enough for him.  He is very attractive and why should he settle for someone when he can have hotter and younger?  In a way I don’t blame him.  But it is his loss.  He has a medical condition that will probably leave him wheelchair bound in a few years. I didn’t care.  I loved him and would have taken care of him. I excited his mind–even after he broke up he called me almost nightly for six months.  That lessened over time and I’m sure he’s dating other women. But I know in my gut he misses me and wonders if he made a mistake.  Still, I do get it.  Looks are very important to men and sometimes the other stuff doesn’t make them want to be with you.  It is a hard swallow to pill for someone who is beautiful inside–and as I mentioned, I’m not unattractive and some people would say I was beautiful.  I just wasn’t beautiful enough for the one man I have loved more than anyone else.  That sucks.  Maybe in the next life I can be the Victoria’ Secret model.

  18. 228

    First of all,I am not looking to get married! Ever!  What I wanted to say is that women are just as VISUAL as men, the only difference is women are more secretive about it. Call me shallow if you must but I would not date someone whom I find repulsive. I am a fitness freak and work hard to keep myself in good shape, I diligent about personal hygiene and grooming. Is it unreasonable to expect to date someone similar?

  19. 229

    YES men focus on looks! Not fair to us women but true. Women need to focus on things they love in life, create meaningful friendships, passion for creative pursuits, putting energy into causes they believe in. Doing this creates a vibrant and fulfilling life without a man and if one comes along who doesn’t mind how you look then he is the one for you. 

    It’s completely reasonable to feel disappointed and even angry about the injustice BUT creating a full and meaningful life will  take the edge off.

    Even those 10’s find it hard because they may find someone who they think loves them only to find as they age their man turns away from them  Yes, men can be very shallow regarding their expectations about looks and I wish it wasn’t this way….. but it is. That is why it is vital for any woman to create a vibrant life for herself regardless of whether she wants a commitment with a  man or already has one.

  20. 230

    Sorry to say, but I do initially focus on looks. I am a 40yo divorced woman & I do have physical preferences. I like shorter, stockier men with brown/darker skin & a twinkle of sexual naughtiness in their eyes. Tall, Anglo men do not attract me, however nice they are. The looks get me in & then next on the list is petsonality traits. Yes, I am superficial, but Brad Pitt, pretty boys are NOT my cup of tea. 

  21. 231

    I am an unattractive woman, born that way, through no fault of my own. It saddens me that all of life’s milestones (getting engaged, married, and having children) have all passed me by. I am compassionate, well educated, have a good sense of humor, but none.of that has ever mattered to any man. I have never even been asked out on a date. It is very difficult being on the outside looking in.

    1. 231.1

      ..dating coaches help…..

  22. 232

    “But I wasn’t condoning the behavior, I was merely reporting it. This is what men do, whether we like it or not. ”

    Thank you for your refreshing and rare outlook, Evan. I see nothing wrong with “calling it as you see it”. If you are wrong, debate the point on its facts – look for real-world evidence. Don’t pretend that the world is not as it really is. 

  23. 233

    this is terrible. Unclear who you are writing for or what you trying to achieve. Outside beauty, while evident, is not the piece is the attraction puzzle.

  24. 234

    women can be shallow just ask an ugly guy………
    im a guy lets say on the scale of 1 to 10 im 2.
      i know what it means to be  rejected or never getting that call from girls ,they speak to you but could never see you as a potential date.
    they say,smile more,dress better do this do that….i see guys dressed like bums who get girlfriends but physically they look better then me………
    im coming to that stage where i cant be bothered and im not interested anymore.  
    confidence and self worth is vital because  it shows what you think of yourself.

    1. 234.1

      ….I think  seeing a dating coach can help with your situation…

  25. 235

    I just saw a scene, on Glee of all places, where the rather masculine female coach is asked out by an attractive male coach. She tries to talk him out of it because she “doesn’t look the way pretty girls look”.  Being average myself, I get that.  It’s very difficult to receive a man’s attention when you know you don’t measure up.  Yah, maybe on one hand it’s insecurity to an extent, but I am naive. I know how these things usually work.

  26. 236

    And yet most of the endless array of ‘hot’ supermodels and actresses have several divorces in their wake… I’ve been happily married for 12 years and counting. Being hot to catch someone’s eye or attention is not the same as catching their heart. Most men eventually choose their heart … even the pigs.

  27. 237

    I wish I read this before I got married.

  28. 238

    This is stupid. I’m sorry but you must be a shallow person yourself to even say this. I’m a normal guy. I’m not great looking but am a very cool and awesome person. Recently I was given the choice to date one of two different women. One a very avg person with what I’d say most people would call “ugly” even. The other a beautiful person with a perfect smile amazing features very nice and a great person. Both of them liked me. After getting to know them the choice was obvious. I chose the avg looking girl because she was more similar in spirit and simply was more real and she really made me aware that she wanted me. Now I know not every guy is like me I’ve always thought differently but honestly I know plenty of my friends who ate also above this type of judgment it’s not rare. Your problem is you are likely looking for a certain type of man that is not typically above judgment. I suggest widening tour own horizons of you wish to find someone truly compatible. BC it doesn’t matter if you are male or female having an open mind and not letting social acceptance cloud your narrow vision is unanimous to both sexes. It’s not a question of what sex likes what it’s how that individual thinks don’t group men saying that they are shallow it’s people that are shallow and anyone even someone who’s mind is closed can become open minded and anyone can move someone that is on the same soul frequency so to speak.

    1. 238.1

      No Logan, I just don’t date. 😉

  29. 239

    It’s not just men that look for the hottest girl. Women are the same they look for men with six packs and muscles or some look for men with money

  30. 240

    I am an average guy, but I keep myself fit and clean and I have a very good career.  At 32 I can honestly say that dating very pretty girls are just as easy as dating average.  In fact the closer to a model I talk to the less inclined she is to turn her back on me or roll her eyes (but I am in Toronto so I heard dating is harder here in general).  Girls who are average or slightly above in Toronto reject me hard! Girls I know would not be able to handle this level of rejection I go through.  If I get their number and text them they don’t reply like I do not even exist.  I have hit on way above average girls a few times (without letting them know my career) and i had a couple of them as girlfriends insanely easily, which gave people the “how did he get her” look.  So from the males perspective average girls must be shallow too.   Maybe the hottest girls are sick of the hottest guys so they like kind average guys who do not ooze of dating confidence (which only comes from being a player).  The truth is I find sex with average girls about just as good as with really stereotypical hot ones.  But average girls who I think are down to earth and motherly don’t seem to like me.  Maybe they want players.  Opposites attract I suppose.

    1. 240.1

      …to begin with, do not text, try calling for the date….secondly, women do have the power to veto…its in their nature…

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